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    Old 11-21-2004, 04:52 PM   #1
    InRecovery04
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    Unhappy My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    My story begins with brain surgery back in 1998. Then, in 1999 and 2000 I had TWO jaw surgeries for TMJ (I grinded my teeth in my sleep because of stress and caused severe jaw problems.) Then, in 2001, I fell down my icy steps flat on my a$$ and broke my tailbone (ER Dr. gave me OxyContin) and later that year, around the time of 9/11, I found out I had a herniated disk at L5-S1, and sciatica.

    At first, the pain meds were used for just that....pain relief. Then, I began to notice how warm and fuzzy they made me feel. Vicodin and Lortab became my best friend. As time went on, I doctor shopped, went to different pharmacies to fill them and even lied about insurance so they wouldn't see I had a script filled recently....get me? Sound familiar? This is pure madness and I'm sick of it.

    I have stolen them from my family who REALLY needed them, lied to my Dr. about pain just to get them (even though I DO have back pain it isn't constant), went to the ER MANY many times to get them and even went out of town to a hospital ER when the two hospitals in town here wouldn't give me narcotics anymore. They began to refer to me as the "frequent flier". I am utterly humiliated by this and I know it is wrong. I am very depressed about it and the story isn't done yet. I can't believe the things I've done to get them. At least I haven't robbed a pharmacy (NEVER will do that...I love freedom too much to go to jail).

    A person very close to me whom I have relations with (Oh God this is so embarassing) found a person to get them from. I don't know who he gets them from but he does and pays a LOT of $$ to get them. Sometimes he comes back with over 80 10/500 Vikes. Eighty!!! But, they only last me about 4-5 days if that. I have nearly OD'd on them a time or two...just taking them like candy. He is very worried about me and knows I have taken over 20 a day at times. It has been like this for about a year. Most times I don't take that many, but if I have them in my control, it's at least 10 a day.

    When I run out, I get very anxious. Depressed. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW TO GET MORE. Nothing else matters. Not my kids, my husband, my pets, NOTHING. Sound familiar? The W/D is sheer hell. I recently went through it but just today, I fell off the wagon and went to get some Vic ES. I have 5 left.

    I need support from you guys SOOO bad...Please help me. I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do. I know I can detox here at home and then I feel great but then, I get a craving and all hell breaks loose. My family knows nothing of this and I cannot tell them....I'm too ashamed to tell them. My kids and hubby would think the worst of me. I thought about outpatient detox but how would I do that w/o the family getting suspicious?

    I KNOW I'm an addict and I surrender to you now. PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I ruin my health!!! PS: I don't drink, so hopefully, my liver is still OK. I'm 32 years old and otherwise healthy.

    Love to you all.
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    Old 11-21-2004, 09:03 PM   #2
    Rach18
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Well I read your story and it sounds kind of like me. I can't believe nobody has responded to your post but I will since I can relate. I started out taking vicodon 5mg here and there for headaches, back pain,etc. which then led to percocet 7.5 mg, after a car accident several years ago. Percocet turned into Methadone 10-20mg a day for 2 1/2 years and then I was off to Vicodin and Lortab 10/500. The difference between you and I is that I took them as prescribed for back pain. Then when I realized that 4 10mg pills a day were just to much for me to continue taking due to my back feeling a better, I began to wean myself down so I would have plenty left over for the month, maybe just knowing I had extra made me feel better who knows but that is what I did. I have been down the road of painful withdrawls and the fear of going through that HELL again just wasn't an option for me. Therefore, I NEVER ate them like candy even when I had them.I am not saying your addiction is any different than mine but I learned over time to limit myself to 10 mg a day. I would take a 5mg in the morning and the other half in the evening or when I really needed them for pain and not just that BUZZ feeling. I am 31 years old and have children too. I couldn't keep going through withdrawls and care for them they way I needed to. So I guess my only advice to you is if you can get yourself to the point of taking them when needed or just a very low dose then getting off them won't be as bad as if you were taking 10-20 pills a day. This is not for everybody as I know it is easier said than done. I have friends and know plenty of people that cannot control their pill intake when they have a bottle full. It's almost like I would tell myself all day long ok I have to wait another hour and just push that hour to another hour and just get through the day playing mind games with myself. What a horrible way to live huh? I wish I could give you better advice. I ended up getting pregnant July 2003 and I was on Lortab at the time. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant and quit smoking too. I guess if you put your mind to anything you CAN do it. I took 500 mg tylenol at night for the leg cramps and took vitamins and got through it. I now have a beautiful 7 month old daughter and it was worth quitting for me. I stopped taking percocet the same way 6 years ago when I got pregnant with my son. Then started taking percocet again right after I delivered him by c-section. What a stupid thing to do. I went through horrible withdrawls from taking methadone a coupke years ago and let me tell you I thought I would die. I tapered down to a piece of a pill and still thought I would die for weeks after.I can't imagaine their is a more painful and long withdrawl that that, maybe I am worng but for me it was. So my advice to you is the next time you have a bottle of 80 limit yourself to 2-4 a day for a week or so then 2-3 a day for a week and so on til your body requires less and less and then stopping altogether shouldn't be as bad for you as taking 20 pills a day and then going to 0. If I could do that at home alone without a detox program I know you can stop if you truely want this for yourself. At least be honest with your husband and maybe he can help you and support you in your decision. Maybe he will watch the kids while you go to a NA meeting a few times a week or whatever you feel you need. It is a hard and difficult process and only YOU can do it. If you want to talk more I will be happy to help you any way I know how. If you have a doctor maybe he can give you better advice or clonodine (catapress patches) to help you monitor your blood pressure, Quitting cold turkey from taking that many pills a day can be very dangerous and you should seek out some sort of medical advice. Best of Luck to you, Rachel

     
    Old 11-22-2004, 05:29 AM   #3
    goddessgrl65
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    inrecovery-
    Hi-this reason noone responded-is probably due to the "weekend"-i was around early sunday..but did not see your post..
    Don't feel bad-im here-others will rally too-
    My advice after reading your post-is to get into treatment..inpatient detox and aftercare-can you get a week off?
    Can you get more than a week?
    Call your local hospital-find out if they can give you info-for detox/substance abuse services-if you don't have insurance-don't worry-there are "free beds'-in most clinics.
    You need professional help-and its tough to do on your own..
    Im not going to suggest taper-doesn't sound like thats gonna work for you-
    A week of detox-and most importantly-outpatient care-therapy/groups etc..i think would be the jumpstart you need..
    i can relate-too..im sure most addicted to opiates can..its just huge..
    im on suboxone..which is also an option-for those people who can't seem to get off the dope-its replacement therapy..its an opiate used to stop w/d-cravings but no high-similar to methadone-but dr. rxed...
    Ive been on it a yr-and have really pulled alot of things in my life together-
    I was one of those people who couldn't stop on my own-i kept relapsing..
    if you wanna know more about id be happy to talk w/ you about it-
    peace..
    ggrl

     
    Old 11-22-2004, 05:58 AM   #4
    scout80
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    i am taking suboxone on an out patient basis, and so far has been helping me kick an 11 yr hx of vicodin abuse. You may read some post about on this site about suboxone and how it really helps withdrawls-it makes me feel normal- good luck

     
    Old 11-24-2004, 08:00 AM   #5
    InRecovery04
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    Arrow Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Thank you all so much for the support and words of encouragement. I'm still having a hard time putting the pills down, especially since my back flared up again. Sciatica and L5-S1 herniation sucks! My doctor gave me a script of 40 Vics and 40 Darvocet yesterday, which shocked me, I didn't know a Dr. could prescribe TWO narcotics at the same time, but he said to use the Darvocet for mild to moderate pain and the Vics for severe pain.

    Over the years I have been through cold turkey w/d many times, doing it myself at home. I have never went to a facility to "dry out". But I really want to get off the narcs and once I got through the w/d and felt good again, it was the MENTAL part that was the hardest to deal with. Any advice on that? I should prob seek out a support group or go to NA huh? Oh, and I told my friend not to get anymore pills from his source. He was very happy about that and said he would get NO more.

    I'm online now and would love to chat with someone or maybe get a "buddy" to talk to. Thanks so much for all the help and support. These boards are the best.
    (Just call me "Jane" as I need to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.)
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    Old 11-24-2004, 08:42 AM   #6
    windysan
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Detox then a 28-day rehab....still the best way out of the madness.

     
    Old 11-24-2004, 08:44 AM   #7
    Sarandipity
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    In Recovery,
    Hello!
    I know you must be scared. I was. I was embarressed but did not want to give up my relationship w/ my bestfriends- the pills. It was a love- hate relationship. Pills are the hardest to get off of, so easily available- so easy to stash in your pocket and everytime you feel the urge- pop! No bad taste like alcohol. I had to tell my ex husband, and explain to my kids I was allergic to pills so I went away for 30 days- to get closer to God- and to learn how to not take medicine. They understood it then. Before that they just thought I was "edgy" all the time.

    I just back from a treatment center. They not only treated my withdrawls- and I safely got off of hydros (20 a day), and treated the Mental, Spiritual, and Physical aspect of the disease. I had no idea it is a geneatic disease. I did not spell that right. I have two children and I was a mess before I went to treatment.

    Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? The place I went is on his website. I know alot depends on the place you go. There were folks I met in treatment who went to other places and they landed back because of relapse- because some places do not treat the spiritual side- or give tools for a lifelong recovery.
    They will also test your liver- mine was surprisingly okay.

    You have a lot of choices to make. Do you read? There is a book called "when pain pills become dangerous" by drew pensky.
    Helped me. I read it while in treatment.

    I will be praying that you have the strengh and courage to make good choices, and I will be here in case you want to talk.

    There is a thread I posted about two months ago, something about "Im off to Rehab" Read it if you have a chance - it talks about my circumstances before rehab which were a lot like yours- and it has different opinions on there too.

    Maybe that would help you.

    I did take suboxone while I was in treatment- but only for 7 days- suboxone does have opiates in it. Very tricky- have a doctor explain.

    You can also call an addiction doctor and ask about detox and tools to stay off the pills. I was the one who said Id never go to meetings- I can't wait to go now. But its a process. Im only 70 days clean- and I can't say its been rosey. Ive have way ups and way downs.

    But I wake up every morning without a hangover- and Im there for my kids now- and I dont spend all day counting pills before I go anywhere.

    Hang in there, and know there are people who support you!

    Love and Support,

    Sara
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    Old 11-25-2004, 09:57 AM   #8
    InRecovery04
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    Arrow Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Hi Sara,

    Thanks so much for the reply and good advice. I'm going to look into a rehab center after the holidays. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving with your family all around you giving you support and love!

    Thanks again,
    "Jane"
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    Old 11-25-2004, 06:49 PM   #9
    Sarandipity
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Hi Jane,
    Thanks for the "happy Thanksgiving" really this is the 1st Thanksgiving in 3 years I have been off hydrocodone.

    I felt like everyone would think "less than" of me when they found out about my addiction.I was surprised that so many people were angels around me. It was all MY PERCEPTION of them- I was the one who was parinoid and I was the one not able to trust people because I had a secrect, I was taking meds behind their backs- and as soon as my secrect had no power once I told everyone- I was surprised at how helpful everyone was.

    My Human resource manager, my children, my ex husband, my parents- It was amazing!

    God wanted my friendship back. It was very hard to stay in touch with him while I was on the vic's.

    Weigh all your options on the recovery that is best for you! In the book I was telling you about " When pain meds become dangerous " is so good - it explains EVERYTHING. It leaves none of your questions unanswered.

    Im happy for you.. I am here if you need anything, and you have prayers coming your way....

    Lots of caring,

    Sara
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    Old 11-26-2004, 02:52 PM   #10
    bluejulie5
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    HI In Recovery;
    WOW our stories sound kinda familiar.
    I was up to 20+ a day also.
    I was finding illegal ways to get them also.
    Then I confided in my best friend, who knew that I was taking them, but I lied to her and told her I was taking maybe 6 a day.
    I finally told her the truth one day, that I was taking way more than I told her.
    She found me a Dr. and we went the very next day.
    The Dr. put me on Methadone treatment...I was able to get prescriptions and take them at home. He started me at 8 a day, then every 2 weeks he lowerd the dosage one pill.(my husband hid the pills from me and set out my daily dosage every day)
    Can you do something like that?
    Me, I confided in my family, even my 2 teenage kids know.
    Look, it started out legit. for you, and got out of control; same with me, same with TONS of people. You have nothing to be ashamed about.
    I am over 20 days clean of the methadone or any other narcotics.
    The methadone treatment is working for me so far. Plus I am seeing a therapist who is giving me great advice.
    I am so sorry that you are going through this.
    I was afraid to tell my family too. But you know, it was not that bad.
    If they love you, they will understand.
    I am still ashamed about what my teenage boys must think (we do talk about it sometimes, and they seem pretty understanding, they just say "as long as you dont do it again".)
    If you are ready to quit, my advice would be; Sit down with your husband and talk to him about it; Go to a doctor who know about this type of thing and see what your options are. The big question is: Are you REALLY ready to quit? If you are, then do something about it!!
    good luck. keep us posted.
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    Old 11-27-2004, 02:47 AM   #11
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Hey Jane,

    Millions of people have had this problem with pain meds. You know the saying...acknowledging you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I've gone through this too. I had a back injury that went on for a year before I finally had surgery on a herniated L5-S1. Meanwhile, I had been taking 10 mg. strength Vicodin for nearly a year. Eventually I was up to taking 8 a day...which is quite conservative compared to many. After surgery, the Vicodin wouldn't kill the pain...so I was allowed to have 20 mg strength Oxycontin. That seemed to do the trick for a while...but I ended up being on it for 6 months following. I didn't know you weren't supposed to just stop taking pain meds immediately after being on them for as long as I had (surprise, surprise). The withdrawals were complete hell, as you well know.

    I have an addictive nature...I know this because of past recreational drug use. I also know that I'm a fairly strong-willed person. I quit smoking, cold turkey...so if I could do that...I could do this. Jane, depending on your own will and desire to check back into reality...you can do it at home, or you can do it in a rehab center. Whatever you decide, do it now...while YOU still HAVE the choice in your hands.

    Here's how I quit on my own...your mileage may vary:

    First, I told my doctor that I was addicted. My doctor suggested rehab, but I then suggested something else to my doctor...to step me down the medication. He reluctantly agreed, and added that he would NOT prescribe me more medication than was required. So, we began with 10 mg. of Hydrocodone - 3 times daily for 3 days. Then, after the 3rd day we went down to 3, 7.5 mg of Hydrocodone daily for 3 days. Next, down to 2, 5.5 mg of Hydrocodone for 2 days and finally I finished on 3 Darvocet a day for 3 days. No withdrawals at all. I had to be VERY firm and dedicated in order to stick with the dosage plan. I was able to do it without my family knowing I even had a problem.

    You can do it, but you HAVE to be strong. Hopefully you have a doc who's willing to work with you and help you through it. They may even be able to give you a sedative as you work through it.

    God speed!

    -M

     
    Old 11-27-2004, 09:24 AM   #12
    onyR
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    Hey InR, I know how you feel. I never let myself get to that point.... but I screwed my back up on year. Started slowly on the pain meds and after a while they didn't work, so I bumped it up... and that didn't work. Ended up being, what didn't work was me feeling normal. I started the day with 5-6 in the morning, then took 2-3 the afternoon and maybe 2 at night.

    I averaged about 8-10 10mg a day. I had to get them from my doctor (once a week) and then ordered them online which costs hundreds of dollars.

    One day, I just told myself "No More".

    I went to a doctor who put people on the suboxone program (only a few in my city).

    IT SAVED ME.

    Suboxone is the greatest thing ever. I can't recommend it more.

    I took 8 per day.. which was 2 under the tounge 4 times a day. I am now down to 1 1/2 a day!!!

    I have even gone a day with only taking one.

    So, do a search for "suboxone" and find out what doctor in your area will put you on this program. You can go from taking what you are taking to getting off the drugs with out ever needing to enter a program. I know this isn't for everyone (not getting in some program) but it worked and is working for me.

    suboxone, suboxone, suboxone, suboxone!!!!!

    NO MORE.

     
    Old 11-27-2004, 08:18 PM   #13
    MNMHUB
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    Re: My Love Affair with Hydrocodone...Please help me :(

    I Used Serax Along With Ultram For Pain It Has NO Narcotics In It, Serax Is Like A Cousin To Valium So You Have To Be Careful Not Abuse It. These To Have Helped Me Get Away From Avinza (morphine) And 4-6 Oxyir 5mg Per Day. It Is Tough But You Can Do It I Have Fought The Pro Blem Off And On For Years Since 1973. But This Month With The Help Of These Two Meds I Feel Great And Have Re-joined My Family Again And That Is The Best Feeling Not Sneaking Into A Another Room To Use , You Can Do It But I Think You Will Need Patience And A Dr. That Understands How To Treat The Problem And Not One That Treats You Like A Drug Addict. You Can Do It!!!!!!!!!!

    Last edited by MNMHUB; 11-27-2004 at 08:20 PM.

     
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