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    Old 12-07-2004, 08:37 AM   #106
    eightball61
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
    Thanks Eightball

    It has been a huge step to cut off contact. I hope that I continue to not contact him. It really is the best if I don't. Stormgirl will have her moment too...it's different for everyone. For me, I know how bad he made me feel when I contacted him. I was angry, crying, literally shaking because I got so upset. It was starting to freak me out how BAD he could make me feel. I think I finally "got it" that calling him destroyed me and I'm honestly now scared to even make contact because of how bad I felt when I last did.

    I've been keeping myself busy with friends and family. I have interest in a new guy friend of mine. I like him, but am not wanting any type of relationship. Hes not relationship material for me anyway, but its nice to think of him and get my mind off my ex. He too just got out of a relationship so I guess we're using one another as a distraction. I'm thinking about pulling back from it though, as I don't want to get hurt and I'm not so sure about the friends with benefits thing...I thought I could do it, but I'm not so sure.
    I'm starting to look for another job. Not real seriously, but I have applied to some so I'm trying to move forward and do what I can for myself. Life has disappointed me and I'm changing; I have another perspective on life....I'm just not that hopeful anymore. Anyway, I feel like I'm hogging another's thread. Stormgirl, sorry.

    See You have alot of great things happening right now. There are set backs that have been hapening with your feelings but overall as I said things are starting to look better. You never know when you may really get out of the rut but as things are looking you are doing better for yourself at the moment. I am really happy for you and I hope this trend continues. Thanks for the update

     
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    Old 12-07-2004, 10:27 PM   #107
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Hey Elated!!! Don't worry about hogging the thread, the more the merrier I say!!! It's good to see that you are doing okay (mind I didn't say good, just okay). You really give me some hope because you are just a few steps in front of me, and the more I see you holding it together, the more I know that I will be okay. Just wish I knew how to fast forward it all (without getting older mind you ahhhhhhh ).

    Well it's his birthday tomorrow. I bought him a present today and I will drop it into his house after work. I feel nervous about it, but I'm just not the mean type of person that could just ignore it. I would feel bad. And as Wowwwweeee said, as long as I have been the best person I can be, I can walk away with a clear conscience. I would love the chance to speak to him while I am there, but I think it's not nice to speak about such things on someone's birthday (although guaranteed I will give it a shot).

    I pray that it will go okay. Hopefully something good will come out of it, but I won't get my hopes up. He's had plenty of chances and hasn't taken any yet, so why would I expect him to now? Just wishful thinking I suppose. Hey Elated, or anyone else going through the same thing, just wanted to ask if you even dream about them when you sleep? I dream about all kinds of things, some I can't remember, or him seeing other girls etc etc and wake up with a bad feeling. Do you have this too? I suppose it's just because I think about it every waking minute. Grrrrrrrrr...

    Any advice on how I should act tomorrow when I take his present?
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    Old 12-08-2004, 05:05 AM   #108
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    I can tell you where to stick his present ,, if this is what you want to do hold yourself togethor as best as possible,,, act in the best possible mood you can,, i know your stomache is going to be on a rollercoaster ride when you see him,,,,, ive had the dreams where the ending's were not so nice,, id wake up being not the happiest camper,,, havent had one in a while though ,but they are no fun,,,,speaking of birthdays my ex's is saturdy,, should i get her a present? huh well she did break up with me the NIGHT before mine,, so probally not
    good luck stormgirl!!

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 06:21 AM   #109
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Stormgirl, in my modest opinions, you shouldn't be giving him any presents. Call him and wish him a happy one, that's it. Or, better yet, send him an e-card. You shouldn't be putting yourself in this "begging" position. It's almost guaranteed that he will not react to it the way you hope he would. Been there, done that. He'll take the present and still not want to be with you.

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 07:30 AM   #110
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    I was just reading through the thread here, and your situation sounds a lot like mine that I just went through with my ex. My opinion on the bday gift? forget it! Just do what Sophia suggested with the Ecard or maybe a voicemail wishing him a happy one. That shows that you did not forget, but also that you aren't desperate for contact. I hope that helps! Good luck!

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 08:07 AM   #111
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Stormgirl-
    Hey Hon. I know, I'd like to fast forward too. I went to buy Christmas cards yesterday and I sat there and looked at them and couldn't do it. I felt like it was the middle of May and I'm looking at Christmas cards. This year, I just don't have it and you know what? Thats okay. Last night was hard, and I still have friends and family ask if hes contacted me. They seem to have a harder time dealing with it than me. They just can't beleive that he just cut me out of his life and even though I told them to quit asking me they seem to forget and bring it up. I got so angry at my Mom last night about it that I think shes got the point that she doesn't need to ask me anymore. I know everyone cares, but its so hard when people say "I can't beleive this" and I think yeah.."me either". I was really depressed last night and to top it off my distraction guy and me decided to just be friends, nothing more because we're both in the same situation and we feel like we maybe getting in over our heads. So here I am forced to face this all head on again...running never works and altough I know this I sometimes can't bear the way I feel when I face it head on and have to escape it.

    As for you. I agree with the others that a gift maybe over the top. He really doesn't deserve a gift. A happy Birthday message or card is what I think you should do, but this is your decision. How you should handle tomorrow? Well, if you decide to go over there you have got to convince yourself that you two are not together. That he may very well act the same way hes been acting and it will only hurt you more. Brace yourself for the worst so that way you can handle it if it kills you and you will be pleasantly surprised IF things go better than expected. I honestly think you are using this "Birthday gift" as a way to see him. I don't blame you because I probably would have done the same thing. You think of it as an excuse because afterall you're just coming over to give him a birthday present. But you know that deep down theres more to it. You want to see what happens. You're reaching for the hot stove again, thinking maybe this time it won't burn. We're here for you if you get burned again okay? Tomorrow is going to be an eye opener. I'm not sure how it will go, but I do have a feeling that tomorrow even if he doesn't provide you answers that you will get answers from your heart once you see how he reacts to you being there. I'm worried about you, so brace yourself.

    The dreams..yes I have them. So vivid. Some I remember and some fade quickly. When I wake from them, it is awful. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Some are very emotional. Some are so real that they stick with me all day. The only thing again, is time. In time I think you'll dream of him less and less. The biggest factor is that things are still in limbo with the two of you. Thats the WORST part. Not knowing either way. Trying to accept the situatoin for what it is. Trying to come to grips with the possibility that you may have to put an end to this limbo by making a hard decision. As painful as it is to accept that "wow, maybe this really is over and I'm walking away"...it can be releiving after the emotional limbo turmoil you once suffered. I still hope that things end for you differently than they ended for me. I had the false hope for awhile..now honestly I think I'm 99.9% sure its over and once I have accpeted that then the healing began. I mean things happen in life and you never really know...but I had to surrender to it and everything. I just couldn't take the "what if he comes back" anymore. Once I accepted that he probably isn't coming back and that even if he did I'm not sure I could handle even hearing his voice I felt a little better. I don't think every car I hear is him pulling up. I don't think everytime I check my e-mail maybe he sent me one. I don't think "its him" everytime the phone rings. I have my moments, but its better. I'm glad now that hes not contacting me because I couldn't handle it. He hurt me SO bad that talking to him or seeing him would only take me back to sqaure one. I'm actually thinking that mayve thats why he was such an a** and cut me out of his life, because now I'm not so sure I could have handled it any other way. If he was in my life right now I'd still be on the emotional rollar coaster. So as bad as things went down, it probably is for the best...because I know how much worse I would feel if he was in my life.

    Please, brace yourself for tomorrow. I think its going to be an important day for you whether it goes bad or good. Let us know what happens.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 12-08-2004 at 08:08 AM.

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 01:07 PM   #112
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Stormgirl-
    keep yourself busy, try to stop thinking about this guy. try to start a new, fresh life for yourself, take up new hobbies, meet new people etc. get him out of your life, get rid of all contact with him, change your numbers, email add etc. dont even tell him this. he doesnt deserve it.
    if he wants to have a proper discussion about your relationship, he would come to your house to see you in person. this is what you deserve.

    after 6 years, he should be treating you with respect. you dont want this.
    i wish you every bit of luck.
    start your new life now.
    dont wait a second longer!!

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 01:07 PM   #113
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Elated, you know that you are spot on with me using the present as an excuse to see him - it's true - but even if we had broken up for sure, I would still do the same thing - I am just not one to hold grudges and be nasty... I like to show him that I am above that. And yes, I am hoping for a different reaction from him. I feel stupid for it. But you know, I have to do it. Even if the worst happens, I still need to do it. I need to know. I can't tell you how hard it is today. All the reminders. I am really struggling. So while I understand everyone who says don't do it, please understand that even if I get hurt REALLY bad, it's just something that I have to do. It sounds ironic, but I have to do it so that I CAN muster the courage to walk away without thinking "maybe if I had done this...." etc. For the first time since this happened, reality has kicked in and I am having problems eating and sleeping. I can't sit still because i'm afraid that if I do, it will catch up to me like a ton of bricks, so I keep moving all the time. And I have to try and control myself from crying every time someone asks how I am, even those who don't know my situation.

    Thank you for all your support guys... I have to go to work now, but thoughts of you guys will keep me okay from whatever will happen today. I will let you know how it all goes, but pray for me please!!!
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    Old 12-08-2004, 01:08 PM   #114
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    what happened to eightball61??

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 01:26 PM   #115
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StormGirl
    Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Elated, you know that you are spot on with me using the present as an excuse to see him - it's true - but even if we had broken up for sure, I would still do the same thing - I am just not one to hold grudges and be nasty... I like to show him that I am above that. And yes, I am hoping for a different reaction from him. I feel stupid for it. But you know, I have to do it. Even if the worst happens, I still need to do it. I need to know. I can't tell you how hard it is today. All the reminders. I am really struggling. So while I understand everyone who says don't do it, please understand that even if I get hurt REALLY bad, it's just something that I have to do. It sounds ironic, but I have to do it so that I CAN muster the courage to walk away without thinking "maybe if I had done this...." etc. For the first time since this happened, reality has kicked in and I am having problems eating and sleeping. I can't sit still because i'm afraid that if I do, it will catch up to me like a ton of bricks, so I keep moving all the time. And I have to try and control myself from crying every time someone asks how I am, even those who don't know my situation.

    Thank you for all your support guys... I have to go to work now, but thoughts of you guys will keep me okay from whatever will happen today. I will let you know how it all goes, but pray for me please!!!

    Oh, God do I understand. You have to do it for yourself, even if it hurts you and comes close to killing you...thats what I meant by it being an important day for you regardless if he answers your questions or not. I did the same thing. I'd call, leave messages, e-mails...and trust me if he had a birthday in that timeframe I probably would do the same thing. You know you shouldn't go there BUT a part of you also knows that in order for you to walk away feeling like you did everything in your power to save this relationship you must get the one last slap in the face.

    So as much as this gift giving seems like it is for him, it really is about you. My last contact with my ex people told me not to do it, etc. I HAD to do it for me. I had to KNOW that it was over...I do not regret it even though it hurt like hell. So I completely understand where you are coming from. He doesn't deserve it, no, but you deserve what will help you and if seeing him does then do it. I can tell you this, if his response is negative...it will hurt really really bad. Worse than you've been hurting. So think of a friend or something that you plan to do after you see him. Have some idea that if it goes really bad you'll have someone there for you. We're here, but you need beyond virtual support. I remember that rock bottom and I hate to see you hit it, but I'm afraid you may have to in order to move forward. I had to anyway.

    I know the sitting still problem. Lately I call everyone and on the weekends I keep doing stuff and distract myself. I endulge in things I probably shouldn't, but to sit still and have it haunt me is awful. I can only take it for so long and have to "escape" the feeling. You're doing good stormgirl. You're going through all the motions of a break or break up or whatever the a** wanted. I promise you that I am going through the same thing so your reactions are normal. Your mood swings, impatience and not feeling "right" anywhere and with anyone is normal. The constant teariness, normal. Then it goes away, then it comes back; normal. Hang in there. I'll pray for you that you can handle tomorrow.

    Elatedgiraffe (holding your hand).

    Nothing would be better than to put these 2 guys in room and let them have it! I desevered more after 2 1/2 years and you certainly deserve more after 6 years. Whats with these grown men treating women as if they are 15 years old and dated us for 2 weeks? Ugh.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 12-08-2004 at 01:30 PM.

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 11:02 PM   #116
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Well guys, I certainly have hit rock bottom. I'm afraid to say that it's over, although just to type it is horribly painful. I can hardly breathe. I didn't go to see him. I didn't need to. I sent him a message at midnight to say happy birthday (a tradition of ours) and he did not acknowledge it. Neither did he acknowledge the 4 phone calls I made during the day to say happy birthday. And he didn't even respond to the last message I sent him to say that I hoped he has a nice birthday, that I have a gift for him that I would like to give to him. I told him that I loved him and wanted him to be happy, and that if he didn't reply, that I would understand and walk away. So now I must.You're right Elated, nothing that I have gone through in the last 4 weeks is anything compared to this, nor has it prepared me very well. The only comfort I have is that I tried. Oh God, did I try. But it hurts too much to keep continuing, so I have to let go now. I don't want to, but I know that I have to. Just writing this is making me sob my heart out. I feel so low right now. Making the decision gave me some peace, but I am shattered. I always try to be a good person, where did I go wrong?

    I would write more, but I just can't.
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    Old 12-09-2004, 07:22 AM   #117
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StormGirl
    Well guys, I certainly have hit rock bottom. I'm afraid to say that it's over, although just to type it is horribly painful. I can hardly breathe. I didn't go to see him. I didn't need to. I sent him a message at midnight to say happy birthday (a tradition of ours) and he did not acknowledge it. Neither did he acknowledge the 4 phone calls I made during the day to say happy birthday. And he didn't even respond to the last message I sent him to say that I hoped he has a nice birthday, that I have a gift for him that I would like to give to him. I told him that I loved him and wanted him to be happy, and that if he didn't reply, that I would understand and walk away. So now I must.You're right Elated, nothing that I have gone through in the last 4 weeks is anything compared to this, nor has it prepared me very well. The only comfort I have is that I tried. Oh God, did I try. But it hurts too much to keep continuing, so I have to let go now. I don't want to, but I know that I have to. Just writing this is making me sob my heart out. I feel so low right now. Making the decision gave me some peace, but I am shattered. I always try to be a good person, where did I go wrong?

    I would write more, but I just can't.
    Hey Stormgirl. I know its through a computer, but I'm here for you. I know how bad it hurts that someone you invested so much into can just ignore you like this. Its so immature of him. Thats what hurt me the most. The fact that he didn't even want to hear my voice, or reply to an e-mail. No matter how many ways I tried to contact him he just ignored me like I didn't exist. That hurt.

    You didn't go wrong. I know that you will question yourself alot right now and that is normal. You did the best you could. I promise you that in time you will see that you really did nothing wrong. I pondered that too. Somethings aren't meant to me. I know, everyone says that, but its true. I'm not going to feed you all this right now as I know how bad you are hurting. In fact, I know the EXACT pain you feel. This is rock bottom, stormgirl so you can only go up from here. Yes, you'll have slips and yes you could come back down to this place, BUT if you can get through this then you can get through it all.

    I don't have many words today as I actually just would love to give you a hug and lay there with you and show you that its going to be okay. I felt so alone when this happened to me. Sometimes I literally felt like I was going to die. I just couldn't imagine life without him and when I did I fell to my knees sobbing.

    People say good comes out of every bad. If I didn't go through what I am going through just weeks ahead of you then in noway would I relate to what you are going through. I mean, your situation is SO similar to mine it is almost freaking me out. From his reasons, to his ignoring...its all TOO similar. I'm glad I can be here for you. I'm glad that I went through this first before you so that I can be here for you and try and show you the light at the end of this dark hole.

    Remember, you did NOTHING wrong. Try not to focus on the big picture, but rather focus solely on today. Try your best to clear your mind and not analyze it. Worrying and analyzing it only makes it worse. The outcome is the same regardless how you handle it emotionally. No amount of "what if" thinking will change things. So try to just nip that "what if" thinking in the bud. When you start thinking about it all and feeling overwhelmed tell yourself that you aren't going to think about it. Nurture yourself right now and do not hate on yourself. Love yourself like you love your boyfriend. Only you can take care of you.

    I know you said you really aren't into prayer. If it gets really bad, you may want to try it. I'm not sure I could have got through this without God and I can't tell you how much more spiritual I am now. Some things, like this just don't make any sense. So if you feel like it, give it a shot.

    Hang in there. Please post again when you feel like it so I know you are okay. Hang in there. I promise that it WILL get better. Together, me and you are lost in the woods..I'm 10 steps in front of you so trust me about this and we'll get through this.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 12-09-2004 at 07:24 AM.

     
    Old 12-09-2004, 08:52 AM   #118
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Okay here goes as I pass this along from Reddoorblack as she was so kind to post this poem on my thread:

    To Give you up God! what a bell of freedom that rings within me,
    No more waiting for
    Letters,
    phone calls,
    post cards,
    that never came.
    No more creative energy in letters never mailed.
    and after awhile,
    no more insomnia.
    no more insanity.
    some more happiness.
    some more life.
    all it took was to give you up and that took quite a bit!


    When I first read this I wasn't completely at that point yet, but this describes me now. So keep this and when you're ready you will value you it as I have. It is so true. You'll know when you surrender to all of this and just let it go. Afterall if its meant to be, it'll be. When you love something, let it go. Its out of your hands, stormgirl...letting it go is one of the hardest parts of all this. Hanging onto it does not change the outcome. What happens from here on out is beyond your control. What is in your control is how you handle this. What is in your control is how long you try and control this. We care for you stormgirl and I hope you are okay.

     
    Old 12-09-2004, 01:09 PM   #119
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Thank you Elated... your friendship means more to me than you know. I am off to work now, but just wanted to let you know that I am still hanging in there. One more day of work and then 3 weeks holiday. That's something to look forward to at least. I don't think I told you that just before I went to bed he messaged me to tell me that he had only just seen the message I sent him (20 hours after I sent the first one, and after 4 calls). And you know, I didn't even care, cause I don't believe it. I am tired. I have nothing more to give to him as I have given it all over the past 6 years. There is just nothing left.

    I am glad to see that you are doing so well. I guess you never really think your progressing, but even I can see that I am a bit different now. And you are too. Thank you for being here. You are a true God send.
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    Last edited by Guardian; 12-10-2004 at 05:31 AM.

     
    Old 12-09-2004, 01:54 PM   #120
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    [QUOTE=StormGirl]Thank you Elated... your friendship means more to me than you know. I am off to work now, but just wanted to let you know that I am still hanging in there. One more day of work and then 3 weeks holiday. That's something to look forward to at least. I don't think I told you that just before I went to bed he messaged me to tell me that he had only just seen the message I sent him (20 hours after I sent the first one, and after 4 calls). And you know, I didn't even care, cause I don't believe it. I am tired. I have nothing more to give to him as I have given it all over the past 6 years. There is just nothing left.

    I am glad to see that you are doing so well. I guess you never really think your progressing, but even I can see that I am a bit different now. And you are too. Thank you for being here. You are a true God send.



    I understand that "have nothing left" feeling. Good for you for not beleiving him. At least hes still making contact with you. Sounds to me he wants to see just how far he can "push" you. You give him the upper hand when you keep trying to contact him. Maybe you should try a couple days or a week without responding to him and contacting him. Hes not going to think hes lost you if you're still right there, you know? But you may have already decided that if he came to a decision that it may already be too late for him anyways. Good to hear that your dragging yourself to work. That says something about your strength and no matter how bad you feel you KNOW that you still must get to work. Thats how I've been. I'm barely functioning, but the fact that I'm functioning at all shows me alot. In time I hope that I'll gain more energy to start really functioning again. It would be nice to clean again or to really care what I look like. I think it will happen and if not and this continues for a long time I may get on some anti-depressants.

    Last edited by Guardian; 12-10-2004 at 05:32 AM.

     
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