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    Old 12-31-2004, 10:13 AM   #1
    tictac
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    I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Here's the deal. My bf and I have been dating 5 months, 2 months exclusively. I'm 32 with 3 kids, he's 27 with one child who unfortunately isn't really a part of his life. We met online just joking around with each other and it evolved into a relationship. He's recently told me that he's fallen in love with me and that I am the most important person in his life. We usually only see each other 2-3 times a week b/c of distance, and the fact that I can't take off at a moment's notice b/c of my kids. When we do see each other, he's usually the one to make the 35 min. drive to my house.

    My problem is that he keeps his friends and me completely separate. He goes out once or twice during the week with his friends. While I realize that this is healthy, it bugs the heck out of me. He's a huge flirt and girls love him b/c he's outgoing, funny, and handsome. We both know I can't go out during the week, so it only slightly bothers me that I'm never invited. We usually go out on Saturday nights, just the 2 of us. His close friends know about me, but we've never met. I've only met one of his friends, but they're not really that close.

    He's really into image and looking good, and something tells me that I don't fit the image of the hot girl he should have on his arm. He's usually attracted to blue eyed blondes with big boobs, and I'm a brown eyed brunette with a small chest. I'm very insecure about this, probably because he blatantly checks these girls out when we're out together. He even makes comments to me about them. Then he says he's just joking. He tells me all the time how gorgeous he thinks I am and how any man would be lucky to have me. He said that although he's usually not attracted to my type, this just goes to show how you can't help who you fall in love with.

    What made me write this is I asked him what the plans for New Year's Eve were. I assumed we'd be doing something together. He said New Years was never a big deal to him and he would most likely just spend it at home with me, although there were a few other possibilities. He never asked if I wanted to go out and do something. Yesterday he told me that he's going out with some friends on New Years and he would spend the next day with me. I'm very hurt because he didn't even invite me. I could've easily gotten a babysitter and he knows this. I just think it's weird for a couple to spend New Years Eve apart, especially if one is going out.

    I finally brought up the fact that I think he's ashamed of me and he got really mad. He said if he's not doing a good enough job for me, then I should find someone else who will treat me better. He said he knows he's not the best guy for me, but he loves me too much and is too selfish to let me go. I feel the same way about being selfish. He could easily find a younger, more fun, carefree gf with no kids.

    So am I being unreasonable about this? I just think that if I'm as important to him as he says, he would've made some kind of effort to introduce me to his friends by now. Should I just give the guy a break or do I have good reason to be a little ticked off? I'd appreciate any input. Thanks in advance.

    Last edited by tictac; 12-31-2004 at 10:23 AM.

     
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    Old 12-31-2004, 10:30 AM   #2
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    He openly said that he should treat you better, yet he is selfish and doesn't want to let you go?

    Well then, he'll continue to do and say the things that bother you and if you want to leave, then leave? Hes doing what makes him happy so you should do what makes you happy. If you think you deserve better, which you do, even he admitted that then find someone better. I know, easier said then done but I don't think things will change in this relationship.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 12-31-2004 at 10:30 AM.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 11:07 AM   #3
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    If your gut tells you that something is "off", it is.

    Like you said, he knew that you could have gotten a babysitter this night. I would make myself less available to him from now on.

    He sounds like a player. Blatantly checks out other women then comments on them to you? Gets mad and turns things around when you express your feelings? Women love him? Watch out. By him saying stuff like you are not normally his type---and that you deserve better--it sounds to me like these are his "get out of the relationship later" phrases. He will use them again in the future, acting as if you should have already known that the two of you were going nowhere when the final conversation comes to that.

    I dated a guy I only saw once and awhile. Tuesdays were the best night of the week for both of us to get together with our schedules--he knew that-- but funny somehow, Tuesdays came and went. He was not a spur of the moment type of guy---turned out it was because he had to seriously pre-plan his week so that none of the other women he was seeing would come into conflict with each other. Maybe you should make a spur of the moment drive to his house sometime.

    Last edited by vintagegirl; 12-31-2004 at 11:10 AM.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 11:19 AM   #4
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    You don't mention it, but I will ask. Is sex a part of your relationship. A single guy that is getting this regularly with little or no responsibliltes, and still plenty of opportunities to come and go when and where he wants, is likely to hang around for this as long as he can.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 11:40 AM   #5
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tictac
    I just think that if I'm as important to him as he says, he would've made some kind of effort to introduce me to his friends by now.
    This, tictac, is the proverbial red flag screaming so loud it is deafening.

    What you are thinking is 100% correct. What many do not want to do is go on the the next logical assumption......that is, if it is correct that if you were important to him he would introduce you to his friends, and he is not introduced you, you are not as important to him as you believe.

    Things are almost always as they appear, not how people say they are.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 12:39 PM   #6
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Music4All
    This, tictac, is the proverbial red flag screaming so loud it is deafening.

    What you are thinking is 100% correct. What many do not want to do is go on the the next logical assumption......that is, if it is correct that if you were important to him he would introduce you to his friends, and he is not introduced you, you are not as important to him as you believe.

    Things are almost always as they appear, not how people say they are.

    I agree with everything you all have said. There's NO excuse for him not inviting me tonight. I just talked to him and he's going to someone's house for a party. Last night I asked him why he doesn't invite me anywhere and he said b/c the people I hang out with don't want to hang around kids. Hello?! Does he really think I would bring my kids out with me? If that's not the lamest thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is.

    Funny you should ask about sex. He repeatedly tells me that this is the most passionate relationship he's ever had and that he can't get enough of me. When we're together, we have amazing sex. But he swears that's not why he's with me. I'm beginning to wonder.

    I may be naive, but I don't get the feeling he's cheating on me. He calls me a dozen times a day, which he doesn't have to do. He says he thinks about me all day at work and will call me to tell me he misses me and loves me. He calls me from home all the time and talks to me forever, so I know there's no one there with him and he usually calls me while he's driving around or running errands. His schedule is pretty much the same everyday. He has also brought up on many occasions, that he wants to move in with me. That leads me to believe that he can't have much to hide.

    As far as the "get out of the relationship later" phrases, he's already told me that he's not living in a fantasy world and knows that we will most likely break up one day, because "I will find someone that will be able to be around more and give me the attention I deserve", so I guess he really does have that situation covered. Am I crazy for wasting my time with him?

    I know this isn't the best relationship, but he makes me feel so good when we're together and I truly believe that he really loves me. He's not one to say that to many people, so I do feel special. I don't know if I should let this relationship play out, or leave soon. It's so hard b/c I have such strong feelings for him and we have so much fun when we're together. It's hard to walk away from something that brings me so much happiness.

    But when I think about tonight, I get really p.o'd. THERE'S NO EXCUSE! I will make my own plans tonight, but it sucks that I have to do that. He won't like that at all, I can guarantee you. Too bad.

    If you were in my situation, given both the good and the bad, would you leave?? Thanks so much for all the advice!!!

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 03:09 PM   #7
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Actions, not words! I learned this one a long time ago. If he shows you off to his friends, you are in a relationship. If not, you arent . That is how I operate. And I would never date a guy who wasnt proud to have me on his arm in front of any and everyone!

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 04:27 PM   #8
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Question - If you haven't met his friends, have you at least met someone in his family?

    Five months is a long time to not introduce someone to their friends or family.

    Have you thought about telling him that you'd like to take a step back and not have sex for awhile until you sense that the relationship is a more committed one?
    That ought to give you an answer inside a week...

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 05:37 PM   #9
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    No, as a matter of fact I haven't met any of his family. He's not on speaking terms with his parents and his brother is away in the military. He's not close to any of his family. So that's the excuse there. He's really sounding like a gem, isn't he?

    When I accuse him of not being serious enough with me, he gets mad and says he's doing the best he can given the circumstances. He spends the night at my house during the week sometimes which means he must commute almost an hour to work and pack up everything he'll need for work the next day. He says he'd spend everyday with me if he could, but he does have his own place and responsibilities to take care of. So I feel guilty for not appreciating the effort he makes to see me.

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 05:34 AM   #10
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tictac
    When I accuse him of not being serious enough with me, he gets mad and says he's doing the best he can given the circumstances...So I feel guilty for not appreciating the effort he makes to see me.
    You know that these are not the kinds of things said between mutually loving and emotionally committed couples. I think you are aware of everthing you need to be aware of and are just weighing your opportunity costs in this relationship. In other words, it aint great, so what am I willing to give up in exchange for whatever it is I am getting. It isn't real love, but love is not the only need people have.

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 07:06 AM   #11
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Like Hilary said...ACTION, not words....

    You are a time slot to him. It sounds like you have gotten pretty attached to him emotionally, and I would advise you to stop. Either that, or let him move in, and see if you meet those friends. If a man is not including you in his life, you are not his gf. You are a girl he meets once a week for sex.

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 05:37 AM   #12
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by vintagegirl
    Either that, or let him move in, and see if you meet those friends. .
    Vintagegirl, I hope you are being facetious here.

    Never, ever let a man move in as a trial when there are children involved. Children deserve as much clarity, constancy, modeling of appropriate and healthy behaviors, and devotion to their needs as is possible in order to grow free of the demons of low self esteem and other problems that hinder happy and healthy childhoods.

    Keep in mind that while a child, in chaotic circumstances, suffers during their childhood, these same children grow up to suffer the effects of bad choices by their parents for the rest of their adult lives.

    Given the information provided, this guy should never be considered to "live in".

    Last edited by Music4All; 01-02-2005 at 05:38 AM.

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 07:31 AM   #13
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    tictac, sorry I'm coming in late on this one, but wanted to throw in my $.02. I think it goes deeper than is he cheating or is he ashamed of you. He blew you off on the biggest party night of the entire year. First he told you he doesn't make a big deal of it, probably will enjoy a nice quiet evening with you. That way, he knows you won't make plans for a babysitter. Then at the last minute he says "well, I'm just going to a party at a friend's house" and doesn't even invite you. "Well, you won't be able to get a sitter and my friends don't like kids." Well, he sure did eveything in his power to make sure you wouldn't be able to get a sitter, didn't he? I so so so so hate, I hate I hate to have to be the bearer of bad news, but c'mon, any guy who doesn't want you there to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve, can you really call him a boyfriend? And does it even really matter WHY he didn't want to spend it with you? Especially if he's always telling you he knows you two will break up some day. I don't know what his deal is, he sounds like he has some real issues, but in any case, I really feel if you give any more of your heart to this guy, he's made it pretty clear all he'll do is break it. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but 10 years ago, I probably would have stayed around to see how it would all play out, but now, knowing what I know now, if it were me, I'd give him the heave hoe. Life's way too short, and it always seems to be the woman who gets the dirty end of the time-wasting stick. My "ex" as always so worried that we were wasting time being together, but the woman he married was still someone else's wife while we were together, and it only took him less than a year to shack up with her. The only person's time I wasted by listening to his lies and excuses and hoping things would work out, was me. But that's just my point of view.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 01-02-2005 at 07:37 AM.

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 10:09 AM   #14
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tictac
    He's really into image and looking good, and something tells me that I don't fit the image of the hot girl he should have on his arm. He's usually attracted to blue eyed blondes with big boobs, and I'm a brown eyed brunette with a small chest. I'm very insecure about this, probably because he blatantly checks these girls out when we're out together. He even makes comments to me about them. Then he says he's just joking. He tells me all the time how gorgeous he thinks I am and how any man would be lucky to have me. He said that although he's usually not attracted to my type, this just goes to show how you can't help who you fall in love with.

    Well, this would be the big red flag to me. A relationship isn't only about how thinks/feels about you, but also about how he makes you think/feel about yourself.
    Do you realize how damaging this is going to be to your self-esteem, if it hasn't already. I was involved with a guy and that's just how I felt. Funny thing is, he did nor said nothing to make me feel this way, I don't even know what his 'type' is as far as looks, but I always figured 'well what else could it be'. I really drove myself out of my mind with this thinking. And I didn't even have a problem with myself before he came along.
    It only takes an instant to lose that self-esteem, but you know, it can take a lifetime to get it back. It's a year later for me, and I'm still trying to build it back up. The funniest thing to me is how many guys have told me I'm attractive since then, but you know no matter how much they say, I just can't completely believe them.
    Please consider this aspect very heavily before deciding to continue with this relationship. I'm only concerned for your feelings, as I know how deep the damage can go.

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 07:13 PM   #15
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    Re: I think my bf is ashamed of me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    tictac, sorry I'm coming in late on this one, but wanted to throw in my $.02. I think it goes deeper than is he cheating or is he ashamed of you. He blew you off on the biggest party night of the entire year. First he told you he doesn't make a big deal of it, probably will enjoy a nice quiet evening with you. That way, he knows you won't make plans for a babysitter. Then at the last minute he says "well, I'm just going to a party at a friend's house" and doesn't even invite you. "Well, you won't be able to get a sitter and my friends don't like kids." Well, he sure did eveything in his power to make sure you wouldn't be able to get a sitter, didn't he? I so so so so hate, I hate I hate to have to be the bearer of bad news, but c'mon, any guy who doesn't want you there to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve, can you really call him a boyfriend? And does it even really matter WHY he didn't want to spend it with you? Especially if he's always telling you he knows you two will break up some day. I don't know what his deal is, he sounds like he has some real issues, but in any case, I really feel if you give any more of your heart to this guy, he's made it pretty clear all he'll do is break it. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but 10 years ago, I probably would have stayed around to see how it would all play out, but now, knowing what I know now, if it were me, I'd give him the heave hoe. Life's way too short, and it always seems to be the woman who gets the dirty end of the time-wasting stick. My "ex" as always so worried that we were wasting time being together, but the woman he married was still someone else's wife while we were together, and it only took him less than a year to shack up with her. The only person's time I wasted by listening to his lies and excuses and hoping things would work out, was me. But that's just my point of view.
    Couldn't have said it better. There's just no excuse for blowing you off on New Year's Eve while he went partying himself. NONE whatsoever. Don't waste any more time on this guy, no matter how great the sex is. It will only lead to a huge disappointment.

     
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