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  • Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

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    Old 01-01-2005, 02:09 AM   #16
    haleysmum
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi everyone and thanks so much for the suport , you dont know what it means to me to be able to have the advice of women..You see I pretty much have left what few women friends I had behind. I guess if Im honest it was because of him I just dont know how much more of this situation I can handle, but yes your right hilary I am pretty strong. I have become quite good at burying my head in the sand and just NOT thinking about things to get through the day for my babies . I think in my heart I know that this cant go on forever, but Im sure you are all aware how rough it is having a new baby and also how tiring. I just dont know if I could cope on my own right now. He doesnt give me much help at all, buts it better than NO help. My mother lives over an hour away so isnt really on hand to help and my sister is having her own marital problems and has a 20 month old daughter, so the last thing she needs is my problems on top of it. I have been asking myself over and over do I still love him and I just dont know the answer to that It just seems like the last 2 years have been one stressfull situation after another. I feel like we dont even really know each other anymore. Maybe I pushed him into this so called friendship with the b**ch next door ? I understand that I havent been there as much for him, but far out, I have been pretty much pregnant for the last 2 years and looking after babies with little help from him, and on top of that being harrassed by his father Which by the way I put an end to as he made inappropriate remarks to my baby daughter. I told Jules this afternoon that I will end this situation if I dont start getting some relief from all the stress. He has promised me yet again that nothing has happened between them and that he will not have anything to do with her. Thankfully she is actually leaving to go on a working holiday around the country in about a month, so she wont be in my face anymore. I think deep down I know that unless there is some radical changes that we wont last But my main priority right now is just trying to look after my babies.
    Anyway I must go and try and get some sleep, I only got 1 hour last night
    Speak again soon and thanks so much for the support.
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    Old 01-01-2005, 05:28 AM   #17
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by haleysmum
    I have been asking myself over and over do I still love him and I just dont know the answer to that...
    And if you decide you do love him, what effect will that realization have on changing him from the cad that he is into a man of character. I suspect none.

    It seems you have been aware of his questionable nature and less than stellar character for some time. I think agreeing to having his children without the benefit of a legal committmenet, taken in context of his demonstrated calous consideration for you and your realtionship, is a reason to look inward at your own sense of self worth and needs.

    You mentioned something about how can you leave him if he does not acknowledge what he did was wrong. You can because you know it is wrong. It has nothing to do with waiting for him to acknowledge it. Liers never admit it. If he was beating you, would you apply the same logic that if he never agreed beating you was wrong, you couldn't leave him.

    Getting support here is a good and positive thing. But most of this is already known by you and in the end it will come down to you deciding how much tradeoff you are willing to participate in for whatever it is he provides. He does not respect you. That is both unfortunate and clear.

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 06:17 AM   #18
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    MIpigpen, I have to tell you that your post was brilliant.
    Totally absolutely brilliant on so many levels but mainly on the creative & psychological.
    Anyone who can control their emotions enough to give this a try may well be surprised at the result!
    Think about it - no violence, no name-calling, keeping your integrity as a good person.
    A definite win-win!
    The award goes to MIpigpen for this one!!!

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 08:46 AM   #19
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kierrasmommy
    Geez, I can't imagine what you must be going through. (((HUGS))) I would seriously consider finding a new place for you, hubby and babies. I think you will be more at ease if you aren't constantly wondering about the neighbor, at least if she isn't right next door, things may be less tense at home, so that you can work on your relationship. I don't even know what to suggest, but I know it can't be easy going through the uncertainty. The lying is definately a red flag. My sisters husband cheated on her and she suspected it. I am always a fan of counselling, preferrably couples in this case, because maybe he will learn why you feel this way and how to make things better, but even if he doesn't agree to participate counselling for you is better than none at all. Just know that we are always here for you and will be every step of the way. Take care sweetie.
    Unfortunatley, moving is not going to solve the "issue". Men that cheat will cheat with anyone. Moving will just give him differenct scenery.
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    Old 01-01-2005, 11:56 AM   #20
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Well, I agree that Mipen's situation may have been appropriate for college, where she was not married, living with, nor did she have children with this man. But, for adults, it seems like a really silly thing to do. Why should you have to play games like that? It is ridiculous, if you ask me. In a committed, mature relationship, if he says that he will have no contact with her and then he does, you have to be ready, willing and able to face the consequences of what that means. Like Music said, he does not respect you...now what? You have to figure that one out for yourself. Throwing in silly, passive agressive games is no way to live, in my opinion.

    And, Soulster, did you really marry a man to spite him and make his life miserable not to mention to show his mistresses that you were the chosen one? Really? Then you proceeded to have three kids with the man that you only married for spite? Wow... just wow!!!! I'm sorry, I just couldn't live this way!

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 12:47 PM   #21
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Yes, I guess if you prevail and get the guy to marry you, you win!!! But what exactly are you winning, anyway????

    You would most definately end up wishing you had lost!

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 01:33 PM   #22
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    I too found Soulcatcher's post a little disturbing. I can only hope that I misinterpreted the tone, and that she was giving a warning of what not to do... and the sad consequences of marrying a man that you knew beforehand was no good. Make no mistake, these "other" women definitely got the better end of the deal, and in reality, they won actually - because they don't have to put up with him. No one should ever value themselves so little that they have to resort to "making" someone marry them, and then thinking that they deserve nothing better in their own life than to make that persons life miserable, or make them pay. What about your own happiness? And if you have to resort to game playing, it's time to hit the road. You're not kids in the playground anymore.
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    Last edited by StormGirl; 01-01-2005 at 01:33 PM.

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 01:40 PM   #23
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi again, Hilary you are totally right about the marriage thing. There is no way I would marry the man now. I know we have 2 children together, but I could not and would not marry a man I dont trust. I know a few of you are wondering why did I have children to the man, well the answer is easy, I didnt think we could. He was told about 17 yrs ago after being in an accident that he couldnt have any, so when I found I was pregnant to Haley I was totally blown away but HAPPY! You see I was 34 , already had one son who is now almost 19 and I also had health probs down below, so thought I couldnt have any either. Haley was my miracle baby regardless of anything else. After she was born we looked into him having the big chop, but I fell pregnant again when Haley was only 4 months old, we were being careful and I honestly didnt think it would happen again anyway. So along came my miracle son. Im honestly not the type to just willy nilly have babies to whomever. But believe that god gave me these babies for a reason.They are my whole entire life now ! I know in an ideal world, we meet our perfect match and get married and have children, but we dont live an ideal world. If I do break up with him, it will be him leaving not me. This is my house and I have been making sure all year that I get it set up how I have wanted it. IE new carpets, fridge, washer, dryer, television etc. Maybe deep down I have been doing this because Im not totally sure that I will stay with him. Throughout my life so far, I have always been hurt by men and left with NOTHING. It wont happen again. I honestly dont know what the future holds for me, but I know that my children will go without nothing. Basically I have told him this is the final straw and unless he changes radically and starts showing me and the children the respect and attention we need then its OVER. I am only 36 years old and still young enough to find the right person for me and my babies if he doesnt do the right thing. Again thanks for the replies, must go and feed Adam
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    Old 01-02-2005, 08:56 AM   #24
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    I never insinuated that you were being irresponsible with your ability to make babies--Im sure your babies are meant to be here! I do have a quick question: a long while back someone posted on these boards about money, specifically complaining that their significant other claimed all the money was his because the woman was at home with the kids. Was that you? For some reason I was thinking you posted about that, but I could be wrong. Anyway, in reading some of these posts I think of a little catch-phrase I heard that kind of rings true: Children would probably prefer to be FROM a broken home, as opposed to living IN a broken home. Catch my drift?

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 12:33 PM   #25
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi Hilary , sorry if it came across that I was directing the post at you. I know you werent having a go at me It was a few people that mentioned about having the children with him. I honestly dont remember if it was me that posted about the money issue. He has had a problem in the past ie he is the one that goes out to work so its HIS money. But I have made it abundantly clear to him and more so since being pregnant with and having Adam that whilst he is under my roof and I am doing everything a wife would and taking care of HIS children that its not just HIS money. So yeah I may have made a post about that a long time ago. I also contribute to the household income, not as much as him of course, but probably half. I also pay the rent here out of my money. I pretty much control the finances as he can be quite irresponsible with money and we just cant afford for him to be irresponsible when we have 2 babies to look after. But in saying that he goes without NOTHING. He gets a good chunk of his wages every week and anything he asks me to get for him he gets. The more I think about it I think I did have a post about this issue. There has been that many I forget sometimes If my memory serves me right I think I was told that because we arent married that it is his money. Im not sure what the laws are in other parts of the world, but over here in Australia you only have to be living with somebody for 6 or 12 months ( not sure which one ) to have the same legal rights as if you were married. So really its not worth the paper its written on in some ways. Marriage that is ! Of course from an emotional level it means everything. It means that that person loves you and wants to commit to you and we all want someone that is prepared to do that. But legally I have just the same rights as if I was married to him. If we were to break up I am entitled to 50 % of assets and also child support. But the assets side of things doesnt really come into play as a lot of the assets in my home I already had before I was with him and what we have accumulated since being together ( almost 4 years ) we are both entitled to half each. Anyway Im probably getting way off subject here LOL Sorry if you thought I was being rude or something, I guess I directed my post more at you because I totally agreed with what you were saying to me and I thought you were really nice
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    Old 01-02-2005, 03:39 PM   #26
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    The money comments are more of an emotional issue-just one more way to be a jerk. I was asking if that was you because I was thinking that if he did say that, he really has been quite mean towards you. Especially considering the fact that during most of it, you have been pregnant, which is hard enough in itself. I was just remembering some of your old threads-you've been really stressed out, for a really long time.

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 10:13 PM   #27
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by trystme
    Well, I agree that Mipen's situation may have been appropriate for college, where she was not married, living with, nor did she have children with this man. But, for adults, it seems like a really silly thing to do. Why should you have to play games like that? It is ridiculous, if you ask me. In a committed, mature relationship, if he says that he will have no contact with her and then he does, you have to be ready, willing and able to face the consequences of what that means. Like Music said, he does not respect you...now what? You have to figure that one out for yourself. Throwing in silly, passive agressive games is no way to live, in my opinion.

    And, Soulster, did you really marry a man to spite him and make his life miserable not to mention to show his mistresses that you were the chosen one? Really? Then you proceeded to have three kids with the man that you only married for spite? Wow... just wow!!!! I'm sorry, I just couldn't live this way!
    The "game" is only if the neighbor needs to be removed as an irritant. If they are, well....you know...that is diff, but if she just likes to flirt and he likes to prance round naked no s-e-x going on...she could be pushed aside. With that done, it's just him in all of his glory (really)

    Yeh, it was a bit min-series/mission impossible in college and I had a lot more time. However, games??? I think we all play those on diff levels. Covert games: ever casually look thru your husbands stuff? How about phone bills?
    I moved into a new home and you can bet I chumed up with these 30 year old moms driving the kids in the $$$suv with the hot bods. They have no reason to talk with my husband. What I will not do is end up name calling and ranting and I will not lose my temper

    But...you hit the nail on the head. What's the prize? Do you really want it? After my little fun I did get her away, but yes, he was a weenie.

    Games will always be around. WE all play them in many arenas. Pick the right ones

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 10:17 PM   #28
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hillaryb
    Yes, I guess if you prevail and get the guy to marry you, you win!!! But what exactly are you winning, anyway????

    You would most definately end up wishing you had lost!
    You are right! I missed a lot a frat parties just to put all of that together and it was like I ended up with the booby prize!

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 11:13 PM   #29
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi again MIpigpen, you are right about we play all games to a certain degree and I totally agree about the ranting/raving and name calling. I have too much pride to do that. I initially went over there and confronted her as to why her phone number was in my partners phone, but not once did I raise my voice or call her any names. I simply told her to stay the hell away ! I also asked her what kind of a woman was she ? In the past few days I did think about going over there again and letting rip, but decided against it. She is a pathological liar anyway, so I wont waste my precious time on the ugly old cow ! LOL But I must admit if I see her ugly mug looking over my fence again I cant guarantee I wont lose it.....But I figure thats my right if she is cheeky enough to trespass on my property. I just cant wait till she pisses off for her working holiday. Plus we had planned on moving later this year anyway, so hopefully I wont have to see her again. I knew the very same day I moved in here before I had even met my partner that she was trouble, you know how you just have a gut feeling about people or things. I have actually done what you did in my younger day. My eldest sons father tried to cheat on me with this particular girl, anyway he wouldnt admit it even though all of our friends had told me he had, so I rang the girl being all nice as pie, paid for her to get a cab to my home, made out I felt sorry for her, befriended her and she admitted to me that he had infact been messing around with her, ( not sex though )..We were all only about 18 then, so this was a long time ago and he actually ended up dying in a motorbike accident about a year after that. So I was left to bring up my son on my own. But it was better than being with a cheater who use to beat the chit out of me.
    Anyway enough of a trip down hell lane. Thanks for replying again everyone
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    Old 01-02-2005, 11:54 PM   #30
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hey, I have to admit...I have scratched a few eyes out too! Ya kind of see when it becomes more about besting you than messing with you hubby. I am ashamed to admit that I almost cleaned the driveway with the next door 16 year-old girl. She would come over with her friend to join a BB game with my husband and our neighbor. They had bikini tops on and cut-off shorts. I just happened to walk out and told my husband it was time to come in. As he was leaving, she "checked him" with the ball and smacked him on his lower back. She kept "popping" over for a game and asking my husband if he has seen her cat. On night she was heading up to our back yard and I blocked her quick. I told her (this was a very aggressive, dark tone) to keep the hell out of our yard, stay off our driveway, stop circling by our house...and oh, if you keep letting that cat out and he sneaks into our garage again...I guess he's fair game. (I really would never!)
    My husband is so duh and we have 18, 16 year old neices..he did not even think it was inappropriate for 2 35 yr. men to play bball with bikini-clad 16 year old girls.

    If she is calling for a "fight", it sounds like she needs to by some class first. Sounds like she couldn't even carry your lunch. Or, as my very-missed father use to say..."she couldn't find her as*s hol..with a mirror and a stick! Gross, but visual.

    I am thinking about your children and smiling because I know they have a great mom. You'll do what is best for you and those little guys!

     
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