It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • he still talks to his ex

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 01-06-2005, 09:56 AM   #16
    micheguns
    Senior Veteran
     
    micheguns's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Posts: 557
    micheguns HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Hi all,
    Thank you so much for all of your thoughts. It is nice to hear people's opinions who I don't really know, because you can be honest and not "soften the blow" so to speak like my family or friends. It is refreshing.

    In the past 2 days (since I first posted) I have let things be and kept my silence to him. I still think about it constantly though.

    In response to ana_27, yes we do see each other everyday but we both hang out with our friends too. We either all go hang out, his and my friends (our 2 best friends even dated for a little while) or he goes out with his guy friends or I go out with my girlfriends. I don't worry that he is doing anything wrong when he goes out with them because I always wind up picking him up at night from wherever they are all hanging out so as he, or anyone else who has been drinking, doesn't drive home. I have never been suspicious of that, ever.

    I know he loves me and I attend all his family functions with him and his mom even told me one night how special of a girl I am, but who knows, she could have told the ex that too. HAHA. My boyfriend tells me sometimes (usually when he has had a few beers) that his friends used to hate his ex and even his parents did too). I never take this to heart because he is a little tipsy when these words come out, and I don't like to be compared to her. True, we haven't met, but I've seen pictures.

    The only thing that REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that he has to continue his close relationship with her. What for??? He won't tell me obviously, I've tried.

    My dad has told me to do what you say, ana_27, to keep my distance. He said, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". He concluded that since we are always together he is too comfortable and I have taken away the excitement of the chase, so to speak. He thinks that if I spend some time at my house or with my friends without him more, that he will realize that he does or doesn't want to give me up in his life. It will make him see what I really mean to him (for better or worse). What do you all think about that advice?

    I will let you know the next time I confront him and what happens. Thanks again, you are all great

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 01-06-2005, 10:48 AM   #17
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    heartlandguy's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by micheguns
    My dad has told me to do what you say, ana_27, to keep my distance. He said, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". He concluded that since we are always together he is too comfortable and I have taken away the excitement of the chase, so to speak. He thinks that if I spend some time at my house or with my friends without him more, that he will realize that he does or doesn't want to give me up in his life. It will make him see what I really mean to him (for better or worse). What do you all think about that advice?
    After a year, the chase should be over. Unfortunately, your boyfriend appears to be chasing his ex more than you. At best, hes confused; more likely, he hasnt gotten over her and wants her back.

    Regardless, dont let the status quo continue. That will only hurt you.

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 11:08 AM   #18
    elatedgiraffe
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    elatedgiraffe's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 1,783
    elatedgiraffe HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    I agree, the chase should be over. There comes a time in a relationship, usually once boyfriend/girlfriend are established that you should be able to let your guard down and not play games anymore. I do think your Dad has given you good advice. Your boyfriend will either see that he might loose you and be willing to make sacrifices (limit talking to the ex) in order to salvage your relationship or he may realize that he wants his ex afterall. So, if you do this you need to be prepared for any outcome, including one that blows up in your face, so to speak. But then you'll know either way. I'm sure you'd rather know now if the two of you are meant to be then for him to leave for his ex 6 months from now. So maybe this is a test for the relationship, but just make sure you're ready for it. So if you spend more time with your friends then thats healthy and if things go bad with the boyfriend then you'll have your friends right there to pick you up. I think your boyfriend doesn't know why he feels he "needs" to talk to her...but if he "needs" to talk to her in order to have a good day then that says something you don't want to hear. Wanting to talk to someone and needing to talk to someone are two different things. He should need to talk to you..not her. So if you want to distance yourself I think thats a good idea, but brace yourself because some major changes may occur.----but I think you'll get your answers.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 01-06-2005 at 11:11 AM.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 05:02 AM   #19
    pinkmonkey
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    pinkmonkey's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 5
    pinkmonkey HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Hi

    I feel for you because I know how you feel exactly. I'm so glad you posted your thoughts and the advice has been great. I won't go into my current situation now but things I have learnt from what I encountered hopefully may help you.

    I too was in a similar situation last year where my boyfriend and his ex were still in regular contact, and at first it did not bother me either. Like you, I didn't want to appear too paranoid or 'clingy' so when a situation did occur where I thought it seemed a bit odd to be talking at that time / that much, I tended to keep my thoughts swimming around my head rather than to question it. When I did question it I was told, of course, that they were just friends and that I shouldn't worry about it because they split up for a reason (because they became more like friends!) and so they had no desire to get back together.

    A few months later I accidentally saw a text message from her saying that she still loved him and would do anything to get back with him but she at least needs him in her life as a friend. it turns out that all of her texts were along these lines. I questioned why he would carry on talking to her, as surely it was like leading her on? He said there and then if I wanted him to stop talking to her he would. But being a softie I too thought that I don't want him to stop being friends with her if he doesn't want to, and that I would never make him give up a friendship for me or give him an unecessary ultimatum. I've since realised thats the biggest mistake i've learned from - I wish Id have given an ultimatum. I know you don't want to come across as over-the-top or possessive but if somebody loves you then they should be completely willing to give up such a relationship for you if it is interferring with your own relationship. It is not unreasonable to ask for this. You wouldn't continue a relationship with an ex if you thought if might jeopordise what you have with your boyfriend - so if he feels the same he shouldn't either.

    I am not saying that you should definately give an ultimatum, but just make sure that he knows that their constant need to talk to each other is making you doubt your relationship with him, and that he is hurting you by keeping you out of the picture. If he feels for you like you do for him he will back off a bit - or at least let you in on some of the conversations. If he does bring the ultimatum thing up - go with it! You're more important than anyone else in your relationship and you should come first. I would try to find out somehow what their conversations are along the lines of - if they are innocent he should have no problem letting you in on them.

    If he refuses to stop the constant contact then I would seriously think about whether he feels the same for you as you do for him. If this is the case then can you live with that?

    Have you thought about the possibility that they may have made a pact 3 years ago to meet up and get back together when she returned? She may still be up for this, not realising that he has now moved on and is not interested now, but he may still feel obliged to 'comfort' her by keeping in contact. I was gutted when I found out that my boyfriend had kept in contact when he knew that she would do anything to try to get him back, but him being him, he felt obliged to keep her happy as he wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone. As wrong and risky as this may seem - my own mom then reminded me that when I split up with my very first boyfriend of 2 years I still talked to him reglarly on the phone for at least 6 months afterwards - not because I still liked him, but because I felt obliged to because I knew that if I cut all contact he wouldn't deal with it and he even threatened me with doing something stupid.

    My point is that this may be the reason why - it may be a one-sided desire to talk on her part, but he feels obliged to go along with it. But I would definately question their relationship because if this is not the case then there is definately something strange going on.

    Hope you manage to sort things out

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 09:48 AM   #20
    micheguns
    Senior Veteran
     
    micheguns's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Posts: 557
    micheguns HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Hi,
    Thanks pinkmonkey for your thoughts. But, whatever happend with your boyfriend and his ex? Do they still talk and are you 2 still together?

    I always want to know what is said in their conversations bit it is like pulling teeth to get any info. out of him. I hate snooping, but that is how I finally learned that they were talking all the time....I looked through his phone and at when/how long the conversations were. I wanted to know, but as soon as I found out it made me mad/frustrated/sad.

    He says everyday that he loves me so much and would never do anything to hurt me...and I even told him that cheating was an automatic breakup in my book no matter how much I loved the person. He told me he would never do anything like that...I believe him. I know cheating is not the case!! The only thing is that he talks to her all the time and now doens't tell me about it. What I don't understand is that he used to tell me he talked to her or he would talk to her in front of me, and that made me feel comfortable with their friendship...because I could hear the conversation. But now, it is all secretive....why??? It is like talking to a brick wall when I approach him and he always defends her and their friendship..."get over it" he says, and I always wind up crying either silently or out loud. Is that why he hides it, as to not upset me now because he knows how I feel.

    PINKMONKEY....as for the ultimatum thing......the 2 of us went on a vacation this summer, just the two of us...and on the plane ride home she called and left a message asking him to attend her birthday celebration with her family....(just him along with her family)..I thought it was strange and I layed it on the line that nothing about that made me happy...I even started getting really ****** off at him and he finally said, "maybe I just shouldn't talk to her, is that what you want"...and I became a softy, like you too and said, no I would never ask you to give a friendship up for me....and I went on that she was in his life a lot longer...keep in mind we had only been dating about 3 months so I didn't want to seem like some overbearing, jealous girl who would come off as wanting to rule his life, it was too soon to express all my fears to him.
    But now I wish I had said, "fine, don't talk to her because that would make me happy".. so now I have to deal with this and he always tells me that they are not that good of friends, that they catch up once in a while, etc.....but it is all lies because I have seen his phone.....ARRG.. why can't he just open up to me....and tell me the truth???

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 09:53 AM   #21
    micheguns
    Senior Veteran
     
    micheguns's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Posts: 557
    micheguns HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    and one more thing I just thought of...

    When she went to school out of state she started dating someone and wound up dating him for a year, then broke up with him when she came back home. My boyfriend dated a few girls but never called any of them his girlfriend, until I came along and we were boyfriend/girlfriend after the 1st week of dating....it just felt right. Do you think he was dating all those girls to make her jealous and do you think she was dating that guy to make him jealous? My boyfiend never slept with his ex (yes we have) and his ex slept with her new boyfriend....do you think that has to do with jealousy or anything? This kind of bothers me...why didn't they if they dated so long....do you think they both wonder "what might of happen if they did?" thoughts please!!!

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 09:56 AM   #22
    elatedgiraffe
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    elatedgiraffe's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 1,783
    elatedgiraffe HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    It could be that he doesn't want to upset you and thats why he hides it from you. But hmmm...if he really didn't want to upset you then he should limit his conversations with her. Do you want to be with a man that hides things because it upsets you or a man that quits things that upset you?

    He knows this is upseting you so instead of respecting you and coming to some sort of comrpromise his attitude is "the hell with you, I'm going to talk to her anyway and since you freak out about it then I just won't even let you know about it anymore"...Thats what concerns me. Hes the type of guy thats going to do what he wants to do when he wants regardless of your feelings.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 10:04 AM   #23
    rockermom
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    rockermom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 23
    rockermom HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    The fact that he hides it from you is probably not to save your feelings, because if he wanted to do that he would just let her go. If he is not opening up to you and is being secretive I am more inclined to believe that there is more going on. He doesn't actually have to do anything physical with her to be cheating, emotional cheating is worse. Maybe he is telling her all this time that he loves her, and that he is only with you because he doesn't want to hurt you. etc. That does happen you know, I know you don't want to admit it, but he could still be cheating, even if he knows you will leave him if you find out. Don't you think that married men/women that are having affairs realise that they are putting their relationships at risk. But it doesn't stop them. I hope that this is not the case for you, but be careful ok.

     
    Old 01-08-2005, 02:50 AM   #24
    dinobites
    Member
    (female)
     
    dinobites's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 55
    dinobites HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    This situation sounds way too fishy. Could it be that you just don't want to know that he's cheating, so you won't let yourself think that no matter what the evidence?

    Listen to your gut. Not your heart, not what he's telling you. Just listen to he feeling that this situation gives you in the pit of your stomach. From what you've described, it doesn't feel good at all to me.



    I'm really sorry.

     
    Old 01-10-2005, 02:30 AM   #25
    pinkmonkey
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    pinkmonkey's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 5
    pinkmonkey HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Hi,

    Its good to know that you are so similar in your actions towards what has happened - not just me thats too much of a softy! In answer to your question 'what's happened between us' - we split up last week. And yes I am devastated. His ex was best friends with his sister. On a drunken night out for his ex's birthday she said to his sister that she was still in love with him until just a month ago (that's all through the 16 months me and him were together) and as he had rejected her throughout this time she wanted to hurt him the only way she knew possible, and so confessed that when me and him first got together she forced herself onto him and they slept together, 2 months into our relationship. I, like you, do not tolerate cheating AT ALL - and even though I barely knew him at the time, I cannot accept that he would do such a thing. I wouldn't so much as give my number out to someone a week into knowing someone else but I suppose i'm just old-fashioned or something.

    Anyway, NOW he has said that he has cut all contact with her - but it's too late. He says that when he realised how important I was and that he was starting to fall for me he told her she had to back off and nothing has happened since. But they remained close friends as they have a past 'secret' from when they were together that means they have to talk with each other about it as nobody else knows about it ( i do know, and it is fair enough). But I still cannot understand why he would risk what we had together to stay friends with someone if every time they met up she tried her very very best to get him to go back out with her. Ex's are trouble. I've certainly learnt that one! But most of all, everyone knows ex's are a touchy subject - and if your bf has regular contact with her and hides this from you then I would definately suspect something. Yeh, it may be innocent and he may be hiding it from you because it is innocent and he wouldn't think you would believe that - but you should bring this fact up - and say that you already know things he thinks you don't know (such as how much they talk) and that you would appreciate knowing about what / how often, otherwise you will be inclined to think that its not innocent. If he has nothing to hide then he should have no problem with this.

    You're probably like me in that if you bring something up (that you are completely entitled to) then you always feel guilty afterwards about asking and even turn the blame on yourself. Don't! you have to realise that you are being understanding about your situation and you have every right to want to know everything. Reading your story is really weird as it could easily have been me writing those exact same words about 8 months ago - I just hope that you manage to sort yours out before something happens. If you have any questions i'd love to be able to help as I wish smeone had given me advice at the time!

     
    Old 01-10-2005, 09:40 AM   #26
    micheguns
    Senior Veteran
     
    micheguns's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Posts: 557
    micheguns HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Thanks Pinkmonkey,
    your words do definitely give me insight into my situation...and yes, I feel like we are two pees in a pod

    Well, after taking some of my mom's advice (doesn't happen often) I talked to HIS mom this weekend and she had some interesting things to say. I already know about his past when it comes to girls (how many he's been with, etc) and his mom really kind of comforted me a bit. She said that she asked him flat out what his feelings for his ex were and he said that "she means nothing to me"...and he is not one to lie to his mom. Believe me on that.....and I explained my concerns to her about him not listening to my feelings and she told me that his ex was a SUPER needy girlfriend and she was always depressed and needing cheering up, etc. my bf apparantely always felt like he needed to give her everything just to make her happy. She told me that there was a time when he probably would have waited forever for her when she moved away to school and that he was devastated that she started to date someone else, but then he got over it. Now, his mom is very honest and I knew wouldn't sugar coat things for me. She assured me that he is over her and that if they talk (she had no idea that they still talked) that it was harmless. She said that my bf was more concerned with losing ties to her family (apparantely they were cool) than he was about losing her.

    I don't know, in a way it was nice to hear that from his mom, but at the same time I still think that he has feelings there, and maybe he can fall in and out of love with many more but always hold a place in his heart for the love he once had....I probably am guilty of the same, I just don't still talk to them, you know?

    I also got up the nerve to ask him last night about why he gets so defensive when I bring things up that are remotely connected with his ex. He apologized and said it was something he needed to work on and he would. I mean, we were having an innocent talk about jewlery (a specific kind) and I was like "yeah, I'm sure you've bought a few pieces in your day"...I was not trying to insinuate that he bought stuff for her (yes, I know he has) I was saying that guys buy jewelry for girls, that's a fact and I know my ex's have bought jewelry for their ex's, etc. I wasn't trying to push any buttons or anything....(I myself have never received jewelry from a guy, not even my bf now)...and I was hoping that he could see that maybe I would like something (pushing my luck girls I know, but I am a hopeless romantic...oh, am I ever)....but he just got all moody and told me that I was being stupid about bringing stuff up like that. Let's just say I said my peace and didn't talk the rest of night. Maybe he will get the message today when I don't call him.

    I made the jewelry comment because, let me tell you, my gift for Xmas was the most unthoughtful gift I have ever received. It was the same thing I received for another occasion a few months back. No thought in this man's bones it seems sometimes. My mom laughed when she saw the gift because she knows how romantic I am and how thoughtful I am. She said, "oh honey, your boyfriend just doesn't get it huh....I can't believe he would buy you that".. Let's just say it was worse than receiving a vacuum cleaner on your birthday. Maybe I should just get the hint that he was romantic with his ex but isn't with me, and probably won't be. That hurts, and maybe it's telling me something, that I am not as special....but then why would he still want to be with me?

    Any thoughts on that?

     
    Old 01-10-2005, 01:48 PM   #27
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Hmm now you got me curious. The only gift I can think of that's worse than a vacuum cleaner would be...I don't know, maybe a mop and a bucket? That's probably pushing it. OK, something like a shoe rack or a towel rack.

    I am a romantic too and don't understand why a man would not buy something beautiful to make his girlfriend feel special. A romantic gift doesn't have to be super expensive, either. Even a set of beautiful candle holders with candles would be nicer than some boring practical gift. Some men just don't get it do they? But it concerns me that you say he was romantic with the ex and not you. I am always of the opinion that if a man wants to be romantic, he CAN. I don't buy all the excuses. If a man who wants to make his girl feel special doesn't particularly know what kind of gift would make her happy, he would ask her Mom, siblings or friends for suggestions. People will probably disagree with me but I'm still standing by my opinion. And like you, I never received any jewelery from any boyfriend of mine except for one (he got me a necklace and I was so happy).

    It's comforting his mom says the ex means nothing to him, but then again, his actions don't exactly prove it. Most guys will not tell their mom much about their romantic lives. I hope it's not true in your case, but I would definitely be concerned that he talks with her as much as he does and calls her every day, before even calling you.

     
    Old 01-11-2005, 03:09 AM   #28
    pinkmonkey
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    pinkmonkey's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 5
    pinkmonkey HB User
    Re: he still talks to his ex

    I'm glad that you have thought about this and have raised your issues with his mom, and that you are comforted by her answers. Again, reading your second paragraph it could have been me writing those exact words, so I hope I can help.

    I too am very close to my ex(of a week ago)'s mom, and when issues first came up with my bf being close and remaining friends with his ex, she also comforted me. She, along with everbody else close to him always said that "she means nothing to him anymore" and that that was the reason they split up. I too still believe this to a certain extent, as I know if he did have feelings for her, how easy it would have been for him to go back to her at any point. She also told me that his ex was a super-needy gf and that she was always craving attention and needing cheering up, and my bf always felt like he needed to give her the attention otherwise she would get worse, and him being the kind of guy he is, would never intentionally upset anyone. This may be the case in your situation, with stress on the 'may'.

    If so then you MUST be wary. Since i dumped him i have found out the numerous things that she has done and said to him in an effort to try and win him back over the past 16 months, and especially in the beginning. Some of them are completely and utterly desperate and selfish and she would constantly tell him all the time that he wanted to be with her. On top of this, at the beginning, I was also querying if he wanted to be with her instead of me, so between us I think we really messed his head up. He says that he felt like he was the only one who knew the truth, that he wanted me. But with all the influencing and mind games she was playing it was hard. from reading the posts on these boards there are so many people that are desperate to get their ex back or who are jealous of their ex's new relationship and want to ruin it. Your bf's ex may be up to this so you need to be extra wary of her. If this is the case (i dont know how you can know) then you really need to try and cut the contact with her as needy ex's are trouble and even if he has no feelings for her now, she may be dragging things up from the past that will bring back memories and change the way he feels.

    Please remember that this is only one option of what may be happening - probably the best one for you if it is the case, as you can do something about it - but chances are it might not be. Then you should still be seriously considering why he is talking to her over a priority of talking to you everyday.

    As for the romantic thing, don't let that become another issue that gets in the way. People are who they are, if they're romantic it's great but if they're not it doesn't mean that they don't care for you in their own way. I would ignore the jewellery thing as it will just get in the way of the real issue you need to sort out so just concentrate on that. Be a bit of a detective if you have to! And yeh, i too am stumped as to what could be worse than a vacuum!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    My mother still talks to my ex... Tubular Relationship Health 8 10-14-2009 06:48 PM
    BF still talks to Ex mannie8 Relationship Health 9 05-24-2007 07:33 AM
    He talks to himself jcd777 Autism Spectrum 22 09-26-2005 04:43 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:28 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!