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  • Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-



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    Old 01-28-2005, 06:26 PM   #16
    Sarandipity
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    It's Friday night live! Got two little one's in the bathtub, just got home from the toystore and picked up two board games; SORRY, and LIFE, and bought some Sea Monkeys! (Those of you who are old folks like me... know what Sea Monkeys are right?)

    LYNN; I found a bunch of posts you sent me that are CLASSICS! I printed em b 4 I went to rehab so I could read them while I was there. I cried when I read em. Happy and sad tears.

    Today Im fighting for my sobriey. I went to the back doctor at 8:00 am and they put the ultrasound machine on my back, and a moist heat pack on my back for 20 min. Im still hurting and taking ib 800 mg every 4 hours and 2 tylenol 1000 mg ever 4 hours.

    DALLAS; Yes, you should be a little concerned. I dont do well with pain.... I had an idea which is pretty crazy.. I was thinking about the "I feel like Freida, take me away, carry me out with this pain!!!!!!!!!" My crazy idea is having a meeting and my house so I can lay in my bed and I dont have to get up to go to a meeting. Is that crazy thinking or what? Im laying low this weekend. I met my sponsor today and told her what was going on... my connection is not strong like it used to be. I know I don't have to relapse to feel the wrath of pills- I can read my old posts and new comer's post who are detoxing to be reminded of the conceiquences. Right now Im just feeling like a dry drunk- sober and not the fun, light hearted, laughing, happy person I was a month ago?

    I found 4 things in the big book which will not keep me sober.... This is what I came up with:

    1. Will Power ( My idea of taking just one pill a day, using my will power)
    2. Long periods of sobriety ( Someone being sober for years and thinking they can somehow control the amount of drugs they consume because they have been sober for so long )
    3. Human Aid ( No human can keep me sober- no matter how much I love someone, I cant stop or stay stopped for them )
    4. Self Knowledge (Being knowledgeable about the disease, about the drug I am taking, about rehab, about relapse, about the pain I inflict on others as a result of the drugs I take )

    Then today, my sponsor asked me when I started doing drugs... I said 14.
    She said how old are you now... 38.
    So from 14- 38 I have done drugs, not all the time. But started experimenting when I was 14, then at 20 tried others, then stopped when I was "born again" at 26, then got married, had two kids, got divorced- had back surgery and few times, then was introduced to Vicodin, Ambien, and somas. But mostly I would take anything that was in a prescription bottle and would help me change my mood, hide pain, and make it easy to deal with stress. After 3 years of hard core vicodin and ambien use, I said enough is enough. During those years I was dishonest, I was unable to be there for people, I was only concerned about myself, I was reckless, and in relationships that were not healthy. My sponsor told me to write down the things that COULD happen to me if I would have continued to take 20 vic's a day, 5 ambien everynight, and whatever else I could get my hands on that were "mind altering" So I wrote down.. I would have overdosed or killed my children in a car accident, I could have contracted a disease, I could have become homeless, I could have serosis of the liver, etc.

    I have homework she gave me...Im gonna do that and continue going to meetings, and see what happens. I read the big book daily, I like the chapters "More about alcoholics", "we agnostics", "How it works" and "there is a solution" the best. DALLAS!! I don't know if you have read this but I know you would be such great person to read it and then let us know what you think. I would snatch you up as my sponsor so fast! You have such a way with words, I would love to know what you think about those chapters.

    LISA- I am a size 2, I used to be a size 0 forever! Before I had 2 c- sections. People think is just sooooo great to be skinny. But when I stop eatting when I get lonely or depressed it's not a good thing. I just bought some Jeans this past weekend which actually fit! They are Lucky jeans. They do come in size 2 but I dont know if they have 0. Are you really a 0? Ive been reading your posts and I am amazed at your great additude! Im really proud of you. If you ever need to talk, just hang in there until you reach a computer and then type away. I care for you and want to be happy with clean drinking water!
    How is that situation by the way?

    I wanted to say hi to BF- Alice, Ellen, Christina (hydroqueen), CM, Lisa, DA, Lynn ( I wish you could have seen my face when I read the old posts ) they were so funny! and Goddessg ! ! !

    I hope you all have a great weekend, and Im glad yall are here to talk to and all helping one another. It really is a cool thing and so far from where I used to be.

    Love,

    Sara
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    -Sara

     
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    Old 01-28-2005, 10:34 PM   #17
    Ellnyc
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi Sara,
    When Vioxx went off the market recently and I didn't want to just go with Celebrex or Bextra (both under scrutinany anyway right now), I went to visit a Rheumatologist (a new doctor for me). He suggested something called Voltaren for my osteoarthritis and disc disease. I've had disc problems for years, and I'm finding good relief from it, even better than I had from Vioxx. It is an older type drug, not addicting or mood altering and might just be helpful and appropriate for your pain as well. I know you are frightened of taking anything, but you must get try and better pain relief- I'm afraid for you if you don't. Pain can wear you down in the long run. There are medications that ARE safe for us, we just have to be vigilant about researching them first. Something I failed to do enough of when I was prescribed the Ultram. Maybe you can ask your back doc his opinion on it as well as check it out with your new addictionologist. Generic name for Voltaren is Diclofenac Sodium. Here's a link I just found for the basics: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a689002.html

    Keep the faith Sweet Sara, that your actions of going to meetings, asking for help and speaking with your sponsor will carry you as you go through this difficult time. My most difficult times in sobriety (during my near death experience from a hospital staph infection, to my dx with cancer one week after my mom died last year all brought me closer to having a greater relationship and connection with My Higher Power/ God of my understanding. Pain is often our greatest stepping stone to our greatest growth.
    Sending love,
    El

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 08:20 AM   #18
    Sarandipity
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Ell !!!! Thank you! Is Voltaran anti inflam ? I remember seeing that in my Mom's medicine cabinet. I will look it up, I know you gave me the website- sorry Im being lazy.

    I wish I could go to a meeting in NY, maybe, someday if I visit. It would be cool to go to meetings in different cities to see what it's like!

    Going to see a phys. now. She is the same one I saw the other day she is licenced in addiction. Me and my boyfriend are going for the first time together. Hmmmm this should be interesting!

    I love your posts and want you to know I know that painful experiences will bring me to the God of my understanding. But I need a spiritual awakening now while Im so depressed and in pain.

    Talk to yall later.

    Sara
    __________________
    "I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
    -Sara

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 10:30 AM   #19
    Ellnyc
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi Sara,
    Yes, Voltaren is an anti-inflammatory. Here's just a small part of what I got from the link above:

    Diclofenac (Voltaren) is used to relieve the pain, tenderness, inflammation (swelling), and stiffness caused by osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis. Immediate-release (short-acting) diclofenac (Cataflam) is also used to treat painful menstrual periods and pain from other causes. Diclofenac is in a class of medications called nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory medications (NSAIDs). It works by stopping the body's production of a substance that causes pain and inflammation.

    Hope your session with boyfriend went well!

    Hugs,
    El

     
    Old 01-30-2005, 08:35 AM   #20
    Twinlynn
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    Smile Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Sara, Dallas A. and Ellen.

    I want to write longer posts to each of you who wrote me such long, sweet, supportive posts...but I've got to answer them in order of "urgency"--and, Sara, sweetie--your cry for help did sound the most urgent.

    These are the times when we should be able to "hold a meeting" in your bedroom--so we can come to YOU, when you're feeling your worst and need the comfort of some "ectomorphic plasma hugs" (LOL!) from your far away friends! (Dallas, where's your' ouiji board when we need it most!)

    Anyway, Sara. I wish I could help you with the pain aspect of your crisis...because being in pain is such a trigger for grabbing those pills. Not just the physical pain eating away at you, but the mental pain, because you are so much more psychologically vulnerable when your whole system is immersed in pain. Pain is just so all-encompassing, that it seems to demand any substance available to stop it. And, I am so glad that Ellen has a few possible pain-lessening suggestions for you, as I just don't know anything beyond my old "quick fixes."

    What I can tell you is how strongly I see all the great courage in the way your have written the exact and uncomfortable truth about addiction. We can read and reread..and listen and re-listen to every last thing we've learned in recovery....but in the end, when your body screams out for these pills, there is no person, no book, no learned knowledge, no form of love and support that can stand strongh enough to stop us--no matter HOW much we love our family and friends--unless we can stop for ourselves. And, when we are doing "good" and feeling "right" with the world...everything we have learned seems to be an impenetrable force against the pills. But...we are human...and we often feel "down" and "low"--and that is when that loving wall just crumbles. We WANT THAT PILL!!! And that's ALL we want. That need is sooooooo strong.

    Believe me, I go through this every day--like I think many of us do. And each time, what helps me cope, is taking an imaginary "nightmare" journey in my head. The scenario? I've successfully tapered off the Sub. I think "well, I can take just ONE oxy from now on...just to help me: write, work, draw, pay my bills, etc, etc." I go up to my cousin's apt...and she says "sure, you can have a few pills." So--and mind you--I am JUST going to take this ONE PILL a day--I head back to my apt, turn on my computer and, almost cautiously, bite into a pill. A quarter of a hour later, the pill starts to "churn". But--in this imaginary journey--even as the "good times" soar--I suddenly KNOW what I have done. And, even as the "goodness" revs up, I visualize--and am terrified by--the immediate future: in half an hour I will crash....my "joy" will be crushed--and I will KNOW that I need just "one more"...just one more..... And...I will be back all those months..where the misery began. And, for some strange reason, Sara, this visualizing just how I would feel AFTER I took the pill....gives me the strength to say "I am NOT going to start this again. I CAN'T.")

    It sounds to me like you are imagining those scenarios, as well. How bad it WAS...and can be again. And, beyond every supportive person...every strengthening Step....in the end, we have to make these decisions ourselves...by knowing where we were, who we were...and what we could become, again. All our loving "support system" will always be our greatest aid in keeping going....but at the end...it's just us and our individual choice.

    You have carved out for yourself a new and wonderful path....with so much love at every step in the road. And, once you can recognize and not be overwhelmed by the possible stumbles along the way...you will be able to go through these episodes of indecision. And not be so panicked and feel so hopless when they hit. Because, 'tho we have to accept that, ultimately, it IS our own decision to make, there will always be so many, many loved ones to help us keep moving forward on that road.

    Just had to let you know how loved you are, Sara, and that we're always traveling with you, sweetie.

    Dallas and Ellen - I will answer each of your posts later today or tomorrow morning. I enjoyed them SO much!! (And, Ellen..I work on 57th St and Broadway!!! LOL! We've probably passed paths many times over the years!! Maybe at Bloomingdales!! Or the old Alexander's! LOL!! Remember?) Anyway, I'll get back to you both the minute I can.

    lotsa, lotsa love to all, Lynn xxxx

     
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