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    Old 01-26-2005, 06:00 PM   #1
    ~Tyger~
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    A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

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    Last edited by ~Tyger~; 10-17-2006 at 09:53 AM.

     
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    Old 01-26-2005, 06:19 PM   #2
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Hi Tyger. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but your story touched me, so I wanted to respond right away. First, of all, sorry for the loss of a boyfriend. I know how devastating this could feel. And I also want to say that your feelings and reactions to everything that has happened are completely 100% normal. You have nothing to blame yourself for. It just seems that this boyfriend of yours is really a huge momma's boy, and I believe his mom would hate any girl who dared to date her son, not only specifically you. What he did right after the breakup and only a week after being intimate with you is really very low. Some men just cannot be by themselves for even a week! I mean, he has hands, doesn't he?! I can completely understand how sickening it must be for you to see both him and her and even have to teach her. I don't think I would be able to do it. I don't really know what to tell you other than you have absolutely no reason to blame yourself. Sometimes relationships don't work out for no particular reason. He also could have used his mother as an excuse to break up, while in reality, he simply realized he wasn't "ready" for a committed relationship, or wanted to explore other options. It must hurt right now, but in time it will get better. And don't for a moment think that you will be sad and alone forever! No, you won't be. You are only 20 and you have your whole life ahead of you. One day you will meet a guy who is going to love you enough to not let his mother or anyone else make a decision for him. Keep your chin up, things WILL get better in time. Is there another place or at least a different class that you could teach? I mean, having to see this guy and also this woman who was supposed to be a friend must be so heart-wrenching for you.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 01-26-2005 at 06:19 PM.

     
    Old 01-26-2005, 06:30 PM   #3
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    If the mother was his true reason for breaking up you are better to totally back off. It's not that SHE was the problem, it's that HE didn't stand up to her.

    Just call me an who just happens to be:
    older
    short
    dumpy
    &
    family oriented
    who still managed to have a really nice guy love me too!!!

     
    Old 01-26-2005, 06:43 PM   #4
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Hello Tyger!

    It sounds like you two were having an excellent relationship aside from his mother.

    There was ways I believe he could have worked around this if he truely wanted to. He could have moved out. He's 24, i'd say its about time for that. Or he could have contined to see you w/out his mother having a say.

    I know that may have been hard for him, but he's a "man" (maybe not) and its about time he grow some and tell his mom "im a grown man, i can date whom I want whether your approve or not"

    Thankfully for you, your a young women 20yrs old and still able to go out and find someone that's family will love you for who you are. And will accept you, and not crisize you when your not around!

    Once you turn 21 go out and keep busy. Do that now for heck sake. Try and keep your mind off of him. Maybe teach a different timed class like sophia mentioned. Or what about another karate school in your town?

    Good luck!

     
    Old 01-26-2005, 08:31 PM   #5
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    To me it sounds like he purposely or subconciously ended the relationship by sleeping with a friend. It probably didn't have a whole lot to do with the friend. She was just there, and it worked. He could see that your relationship was still going to go on (at least sexually) and found a way to really make it end. It could be a good thing in the long run, given that he is so controlled by his mother.
    You are young, and will fall in love again in a different way, but it makes life hard when you must see that person on a regular basis. Why can't you ask them to go to a different class or school? Why would THEY want to continue going also? Maybe go on a vacation, or take a leave, anything to put space in between seeing them. Time heals, you need time.

     
    Old 01-26-2005, 11:42 PM   #6
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Hi Tyger... I'm so sorry to hear how bad you feel, it's never a pleasant experience... but luckily you've come to the right place!!!

    To start off, if a guy ever gave up on our relationship because his mummy told him to, I'd pack his bags for him and wave him goodbye. What an insult! That alone should have been the point of no return for you. If he can't stand up to her for the one he loves, then he's not worth it.

    THEN, to sleep with a friend, but not only a friend, one that he knows you will see again and again and again, well I'm sorry but I do see that as rubbing it in your face. It also shows by the deceitful way he kept it from you. If he really wanted to keep you in his life as a friend, he should have been honest and apologised for causing you pain so soon... but instead he was probably hoping to get away with it without you knowing so that they could have a good old laugh behind your back. UGH, makes me sick. I think I want to vomit too. Are they together as a couple now, or was it just a one off thing? Not that it matters, sounds like they deserve each other anyway.

    Tyger, I know how much you are hurting. It just makes me so angry when sad things happen to good people. Don't blame yourself, as long as you were a committed and good person, that's all that matters. We all make mistakes in our relationship, but I don't think that yours were bad enough to be treated the way you were. I know what it feels like to think you know someone, and then have them show a totally different side. It rips the carpet from underneath your feet and makes you feel very unconfident ("how could I have not seen this side of him? how did I not know him so well after ... years?"). The fact is, we never really know ALL about someone. And these things just happen. We can only know someone as best we can, or as best as they allow us to, and trust (based on that knowledge) that they will be true to us and not hurt us. But we can always be wrong. It's part of life.

    Trust me, I know that although it feels that way at the moment, you will find love again. It will be different, but it will be real, deeper etc and probably better in most ways. I felt the same after my first 5 yr relationship. I thought that I could find someone to love me, but would I ever love someone else again? Simple answer, yes. And it was bigger and better. You will too. You must give yourself time to heal, and when you feel ready, get back out there again. It must be extremely difficult to have to see him all the time. If there is any way that you can get around that, give it a shot. You really don't need to be friends with him, to constantly remind you of what he did. It very rarely works. Maybe after you have healed you can, but not now. It will be too hard for you. Do not contact him, or let him contact you (obviously you will see him at work, but only say a polite hello, nothing more. If he tries to start a conversation, tell him you are busy and must rush off). Let him suffer in his own guilt. Or alternatively, if he tries to talk to you, ask him if he has permission from his mummy to be talking to you..... UGH (again).

    Oh, boys like this make me mad. Tyger, I don't know you, but I know that you deserve waaaaaaaaaaaay better than this (and you are an Aussie too right - just an observation!!). It will be hard to get over your first love, but you must leave him behind and move on now. Use whatever methods you have to... go out with friends, keep busy. You will probably hear it alot, but it really is true, time does heal. You just need to be patient with yourself, and don't be too harsh with yourself. Let yourself be sad, angry or whatever for a bit, then pick yourself up and do something... try not to dwell for too long. Cleaning, washing, dusting if you have to. But anything.

    You will be okay Tyger. There are a few hurdles ahead, but you'll make it. If it makes you feel better, keep coming here to let out your feelings. We will try our best to help you through. And just keep remembering that you deserve much, much better...
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    Old 01-27-2005, 12:18 AM   #7
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    One of the reasons my ex broke up with me , it was the exact same thing. He gave his loyality to his undeserving family and told me that I didn't fit in with them , because I was such a witch ! His family sucked and I finally thought to myself , " he's not going to change and never going to stand by me. " If we would have had kids , I'm positive , he would not stand up for them. It could have been worse , you could have married your boyfriend. I'm 31 and life is beginning for me , again. I also tried being friends with my ex , only to have him bring up all his other girls...Please. You are 20 and trust me , you will find someone else. Meantime , don't be afraid to live life on your own terms. How nice will it be not to have to deal with baggage...I finally figured it out. I'd rather be alone than with my ex. I made mistakes by being insecure , as well. Don't be hard on yourself. Take the life lesson you have been handed and learn from this experience. Life is too short. Don't waste a second of it. Men who are too attached to mom never really bother to grow up. I know from personal experience...Don't waste your time. It's just not worth it , in the end. I'll be wishing you good thoughts , as I have been through it...Are my ex and your ex , related ?
    katte 28

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 10:02 AM   #8
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Eeewwwww!!! Momma's boy. I can tell you this: You don't have a chance. If she is as horrible as you say and he wouldn't stand up for you, his mother will ALWAYS win.
    My mother in law's other car is a broomstick and know what that's like! The fortunate thing for me is the fact that my husband knows she's a freak and is always on my side.
    You are young and sound like you've got yourself together. Hang in there and find a man that doesn't need his mommy to change his diapers, or pick his girlfriends.

    Last edited by susieq0726; 01-28-2005 at 10:03 AM.

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 05:00 PM   #9
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    hi,
    I to am 20(21 on monday) and am just about to split up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years(his desicion not mine, fingers crossed i'm so so wrong)I haven't got the mother bit in it but i have all the hurt thats gonna come(i guess i'm preparing myself mentally cos i know whats gonna happen) so if u wanna talk at any time feel free cos i guess we're both going to go through it all at the same time. MEN!!!!
    The sex thing.IT must be so so hard to resist. i know that i won't be able to say no if it happens.So i was gonna give the advice of stop sleeping with him but who am i to talk.
    Emma

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 07:12 PM   #10
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Thankyou SO much for all the helpful replies. I almost cried (for about the 50th time today) when I read through them.

    I must update you all on the situation. You will remember that I said earlier that Chris is a gentle, committed soul at heart, and his actions have been very out of character for him. It would be easy for me to label him a player, ******* etc. but the reality is that he isn’t. Rather than being over-confident and cruel, he is more of the spineless, weak type. Easily manipulated by those around him (ie. His mum and HER). However, he now believes that I controlled him too much in the relationship.
    Yesterday, I agreed to let him come over to talk things through a little – I figured we had to find some sort of middle-ground since we have to be working together. I let him do most of the talking…I wanted to blast him and kick him in the nuts, but I controlled myself. And this is what he told me.

    He said that his relationship with me was too passionate and intense. He said that while he was absolutely besotted with me and craved me sexually, he felt insecure and couldn’t ‘handle’ me. He felt that he ‘changed’ when he was with me, and didn’t like the person he was becoming. He felt he couldn’t say no to me, and that whether intentional or not, I was ‘controlling’ him and drawing him away from his mother. Needless to say, he decided what he wanted in life is not a passionate relationship, but one of convenience and stability. Almost as if he plans to have relationships with his head instead of his heart. Is this smart? Perhaps I will reach 26 and feel the same way.

    He said lots of rather depressing things about how realistically, he doubts anyone still loves their partner years into marriage, and he would rather have someone predictable and stable rather than the intense need he felt for me. Perhaps I’m too young and naïve to believe that yet. Is it better to have the full passion and intensity of a relationship, along with all its hurts, or in the long-run are we better off with a predictable companionship? From his suggestions, there is no ‘spark’ between himself and Caroline, its more a relationship of convenience and comfort. Stable. No surprises. I suppose I have no right to judge that as bad or good. I don’t know what to think now.

    I’m terrified that he’ll very soon get engaged to her and have kids with her. He is a family-man, and I always had dreams of having a family with him – when the time came. But being 6 years his junior, we both knew that was a while in coming. Caroline has been single and desperate for many, many years, and is probably eager to get the kids popping asap, to prove a point to the world. That truly would mean I’ve lost chris forever.

    As you can probably tell by now, I’m still VERY confused about Chris. I hate what he’s done, I’m so hurt, but the worst thing is, I’m still in love with him. I find myself unwillingly thinking about him ALL the time, the times we had, the things that could happen in the future. I feel like an idiot but its so hard to just discard him from my mind. He’s all I’ve known for so long, and to continue seeing him at work is hell. Like being forced to see what I can’t touch. So ironic how for our entire relationship and years before, he was the one chasing me. And now, its me that’s alone, wanting him. Its almost as if the person I went out with is now dead, and he’s a different person. I miss that old person SO much it makes my chest hurt

    Another thing I'm not sure of - I don't think Chris knows the truth about Caroline. That I was confiding in her, and she was saying things like "you don't need him" and "get over him, he's a hopeless boyfriend anyway", only to be telling him to dump me behind my back. She used to make rash, unnecessary jokes about her and him getting together all through our relationship, but I never believed her to be so cold and two-faced. Or him to finally just settle for her after so obviously not wanting her before us. Should I try to tell him the truth? I have no doubt she's lied about things I've said. I feel like the truth should be known, but I might just be seen as petty and jealous if I try to make him see what really happened... Should I just leave it? He probably wouldn't believe me anyway, with her in his ear.

    Sophia – for a long time I thought the same about his mum, that she’d just hate ANYONE who went near her son. Unfortunately, she seems very happy with Caroline, mainly because she’s older, less threatening (she HATED the fact that I was more attractive than she would have liked…weird) and most of all, because she’s not me. I think she’s a bit racist too (I’m part Asian/Mediterranean, Caroline is full Aussie) Simple as that She’ll give them much less of a hard time than she gave me.

    Desertdweller – I’m hoping you’re right about it being irrelevant who the woman is. That means it won’t work out for them in the long run. I still partly believe that he would still be sleeping with me if he hadn’t moved to her.

    Katte and stormgirl – similar situations. Its so hard isn’t it? Thankyou for you’re kind words. And yes, I am Aussie.

    Emma – same length relationship as me, even same name as me I truly hope you’re breakup goes better than mine. Yes, the sex thing is VERY hard, I’m having serious withdrawl, our relationship was very sexual and I miss it Its difficult, but try to be strong enough to resist, because it NEVER does any good. Good luck, write soon.

    Anyway, you’re opinions again are appreciated! Especially about what HE said, do you think he’s right, or a nutter? God, my mind is going crazy, I feel like I’m heading for a break-down. Thankyou all for being so patient with me, its more help than you know.

    Tyger.

    Last edited by ~Tyger~; 01-28-2005 at 07:21 PM.

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 07:47 PM   #11
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Tyger,

    I think if anything, you should feel sorry for Chris that he doesn't believe passion and love can survive for more than a few years of marriage. It's so sad to give up hope of finding intense, lasting love and commitment at such an early age (or at any age, for the matter). I think he's just scared of putting his heart on the line and being hurt, so he's choosing to stick with a safe, non-passionate relationship so there's no chance of that happening. It sounds like he felt so passionately about you that he felt helpless and vulnerable, and couldn't stand the idea of you having the power to break his heart and crush his dreams. In addition, I just don't think his view is accurate; I can think of many examples that disprove his claim. Please don't give up on finding a lifelong love--it can and does happen everyday. You are right to hold out for an intense, passionate, loving relationship, because people who settle for less (particularly from marriage) rarely end up content.

    It's completely understandable that you're still in love with him--people can't just shut off their feelings overnight. But it doesn't seem like he wants to make it work, and even if he did, I think there might be too many obstacles in the way of a happy future for you two. Not only his mom, but the fact that you seem to have quite different conceptions of the ideal marriage and are in different places in your life would make it really hard for you guys to make it as a couple in the long run. If I was you, I would definitely stay out of his new relationship. No matter what you tell Chris about Caroline, she'll deny it and you'll end up looking like a desperate, clingy liar. He's made it clear that he wants to be on his own and make his own decisions from now on--you don't owe him anything in the way of advice, and anyway, he wouldn't listen, as he seems to want someone like her regardless.

    I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time, but you will make it through this, especially if you rely on the wonderful people here for support. Many have gone through similar experiences and want to help you avoid any actions that will make this any harder than it already is for you. I hope everything works out for the best, and I think the sooner you can cut all ties from him and move on, the more quickly and easily you will heal.

    Good luck,
    Stacy

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 09:49 PM   #12
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    hello again tyger.

    I know you are still young, but your thinking too far ahead w/him and this new woman and them having kids.

    His mother just seems shallow, and i dont think she'd be someone you want to deal w/the rest of your life. And I still think he's a real mommas boy.

    My boyfriend and i are passionate about each and express our love, and we cant tell each other no as well. I think he's just looking for a cop out still.

    It's normal to think about him still. This is a fresh breakup. Over time you will adjust and move past this "obstical". Good luck!

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 11:31 AM   #13
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Hi Tyger, I also think you are getting a little ahead of yourself picturing your bf getting married and having kids with Caroline. Try not to dwell on such images, you will only drive yourself crazy. Truth is, you just don't know what's going to happen in the future. Besides, if Chris is such a spineless momma's boy, I don't think he would make a really good husband. You would get so frustrated with him and probably would lose respect for him after a while, because how can you respect a man who is always following the path of least resistance? You need a REAL man, who will stand up for you and who will have the courage to be with the woman he loves, even if it's against his mother's wishes. SusieQ's husband was able to do this. And all that talk about preferring to be in a stable yet boring relationship with no love or passion...Phuleeeeze. That's just so lame. What kind of guy would want to settle for that?

    Also, if it makes you feel any better, my ex-fiance's mother adored me, I got along great with him and his entire family, and it didn't really make any damn difference. He still didn't marry me. So maybe his mother is just an excuse after all. Who knows what men really want and need? Regardless, you definitely don't need a spineless man in your life, being such a passionate and full of energy woman that you are.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 01-29-2005 at 11:33 AM.

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 11:44 AM   #14
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    You ask if you should tell him about Caroline.
    You should if: she has a child abuse arrest in her background, has confided that she's loaded with herpes & doesn't plan to tell your ex, has an active drug or alcohol abuse problem, or sleeps with her brother.

    Concentrate on getting past the worst of your anger about the situation with him. It's not Caroline. Because it would have been someone else anyway if NOT her.

    I still don't understand the put downs about her appearance and that she's single & wants a relationship; but you're grieving over the death of your relationship so I'm figuring that's a part of it.

    It's your feelings for HIM that you need to work on. Doesn't seem like much of a life to choose to live with someone who is a momma's boy and who is happier with a person who is not his equal in a relationship.

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 12:02 PM   #15
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    Re: A terrible breakup story...please help me before I go insane

    Well, I think hating the "new woman" who now has your man is somewhat natural. Especially given the circumstances. I think that's where Tyger's unfavorable comments stem from. I can understand that. But I agree with Ruth that it's not your place to tell him about her less than wonderful character traits. I don't think he would take it seriously anyway because he would be thinking you're saying these things just out of spite. Better to let him find out on his own. Also, I know many women who are petty and don't have such a great personality, and yet they have boyfriends or even husbands who treat them well, so I don't think having a horrible personality is necessarily a detterrant to men.

     
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