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  • I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

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    Old 02-06-2005, 10:16 PM   #16
    Snails
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    Re: I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by julia_girl
    Hi Hillaryb and Snails,
    I found both of your posts interesting. I have never had a boyfriend before this one, and, like any girl, I would like it if he showered me with gifts and worshipped the ground that I walk on once in awhile too. More than anything, though, I guess what I really want from him is to make me certain that he really does love me, even if he doesn't do all the little things that some guys might. My sister's husband is great that way, he spoils her like mad and has never stopped. My dad is the opposite. He rarely ever buys my mum anything or takes her out on a date or anything like that. She never seemed too bothered by it, even though I know she would have enjoyed it. I think my bf is a lot like my dad. My dad gets mad when he hears about things he has done (or not done!) but my dad hasn't really done many of those things himself (he says it is different because I am his little girl lol). Despite the fact that he is definitely not romantic, my dad does love my mum very much. He worked really hard to support his family, has always been faithful, and has been the greatest dad. He and my mum have a good relationship overall, even if they argue now and then. I know that if I do end up with my bf, our life will be similar to my parents. I guess all the gifts and romance are not that important to me as long as I know I can count on him just to be there for me, even if they would be a nice touch now and then. He came here last night and took me out for dessert and breakfast this morning. I broke one of our rules (no talking about the future) by bringing up the fact that I want to move in with him in the Fall for a few months in between going back to university. He says he isn't ready/doesn't want to be pushed. I know I probably won't end up coming back here once I go back to my home, at least for a while. Maybe once I am far away things will seem a lot clearer. Maybe once I am back with my own family I will feel differently, but I still think I will want to be with him. I told him that I need him to tell me that he loves me once in awhile. He says he doesn't say it because it makes him feel so commited, but that it isn't because he doesn't love me. Not sure that makes sense...his family never really says it either. I am so used to being openly affectionate with my family that I started doing it with his too, and now his mum and even his dad tell me they love me quite often. They don't say it to each other much though as far as I can see. Maybe that has something to do with it. Anyway, we are getting along well at the moment and I am taking (I believe it was) HearttoHeart's advice. I am not calling him at all, but when he calls or comes over I am being a doll Maybe I will meet a guy oneday who showers me with affection and I will love it, or maybe I will end up married to my dad lol. I guess only time will tell.
    Thanks
    Hi Julia,

    I can really feel for you; it's obvious how much you love this guy and hope to be with him. I just wish he was putting as much love and devotion into the relationship as you are. What you said about him resembling your father is interesting and not all that surprising. It makes a lot of sense that your model of love is not all that affectionate and flagrant because that's not what you observed growing up. But it also sounds like you're not content with the level of concern and effort your BF puts into your relationship, because you are the one doing almost all the work and making all the sacrifices and compromises. I hate to see this, because I just know there is a guy out there who would meet you and be eager to do anything to treat you like a princess, like the most precious and important thing he'd ever imagined having in his life. Also remember there are some important differences between your dad and mom's relationship vs. yours and your guy's. While you dad might not make his love obvious, he is commited to your mom, while your BF keeps trying to break things off with you. You shouldn't have to try to convince him to express his love for you--unfortunately, if he loved you as much as you loved him, you'd hear about it regularly and he would want to make you his first priority in life. I don't see your guy's attitude changing--he knows you are willing to do anything to be with him while he doesn't care nearly as much. This creates an imbalance of power, which is a very dangerous and destructive quality in a relationship. In such relationships, it's pretty rare that either partner is fully content or satisfied. I hope that in the long run you find a guy who will adore and cherish you unconditionally.

     
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    Old 02-07-2005, 12:59 PM   #17
    SophiaM
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    Re: I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

    Snails, how did you get so smart, girl? I am totally impressed with your advice!

     
    Old 02-07-2005, 01:03 PM   #18
    SophiaM
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    Re: I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

    Another comment I have is that, I don't think there's anything wrong per se with not saying "I love you" every single day, five times a day. I personally don't like to hear it that often--it makes me uncomfortable because I don't like to say it so often either. However, when I do say it, one can be sure I definitely mean it. The thing that concerns me, Julia, is that your boyfriend said that when he says these words to you, it makes him feel "too committed." I would consider this a red flag. He seems to be petrified of anything that even remotely links to commitment. Not a good sign if you ask me.

     
    Old 02-07-2005, 11:31 PM   #19
    Snails
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    Re: I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Another comment I have is that, I don't think there's anything wrong per se with not saying "I love you" every single day, five times a day. I personally don't like to hear it that often--it makes me uncomfortable because I don't like to say it so often either. However, when I do say it, one can be sure I definitely mean it. The thing that concerns me, Julia, is that your boyfriend said that when he says these words to you, it makes him feel "too committed." I would consider this a red flag. He seems to be petrified of anything that even remotely links to commitment. Not a good sign if you ask me.
    Thank you Sophia--you are so sweet! I completely agree with your comments above. Like you, I would consider this guy's attitude toward commitment to be alarming. It would be one thing if it was a new relationship, but he's known you for a long time now. If he's not comfortable by now with the idea of being tied down, so to speak, in a relationship with you, I highly doubt he's going to come around. Guys like this sometimes change as they grow older and/or find a woman that they can't imagine living without, but for the time being he's not giving you the respect and commitment you deserve. I wish we had better news for you Julia, but at least you are going to be returning to your home and family soon. And a long-distance relationship is difficult enough (personally, I don't really believe in them, except if they're temporary) when both partners are 100% devoted to making it work. If one partner is pulling away before the other has even left town, it really doesn't bode well for a successful future together. But you never know...one way or another things will work out for the best in the long run. I hope this gets a lot easier for you to handle before long! You totally don't deserve to be left feeling so uncertain and hurt.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 02:02 PM   #20
    marcen
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    Re: I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

    Thanks Snails...and all who posted to me. I will keep you updated as to how things go I know that as I get closer to moving home I am going to have a really hard time wondering whether or not I will ever be with him again. Part of me wants to stay and just carry on the way we are if he doesn't want me to move closer, but I know that I have to move on with my life too or I might be still sitting here like this in another 2 years.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 04:09 PM   #21
    Dream0n83
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    Re: I don't understand him...(some male opinions would help too please!)

    and no offense but why would you want to be sitting in a position like this for 2 more years?!

    I think once you go home you will find someone that may even top this guy...Good luck

     
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