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    Old 02-22-2005, 02:20 PM   #1
    angel_bear
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    Lightbulb Gerientologist Meeting

    don't get excited, it hasn't happened yet .. 5 hours to go .. I'm turning into a nervous wreck ......

    I've written this out.. Opinions before the big moment appreciated:

    • You cannot have an opinion unless you have experienced it personally for yourself.


    I’ve put more time, effort and love into this family than I have ever put into mine. This is because I have always felt this family was more like my family than my own. I am riddled with guilt that I haven’t done enough, but I have done as much as I can do to the best of my ability, and to ask anymore of me is unreasonable unless you, as blood do something yourself.

    I did not “sign up” for THIS. I signed up to help out with meals and help care for John. Doris was a sideline, but not a guiding figure. ALL the dynamics have changed in the 12 months I have been assisting, the original rules do not apply anymore.

    Quote from a friend …”Abusive behaviour is a deal breaker for adult relationships and quadruples so if the abuse is directed at innocent children or pets. It is time for your MIL to leave your home, probably permanently. Even if the violence can be curbed by medication (which may lead to other problems such as increased inability to understand or communicate and increased risk of falling), her condition will continue to deteriorate. I suggest that the most loving thing you and your husband can do for your MIL at this point is to place her with professional caregivers (who are trained to care for demented people and do not have to be involved 24/7 to the extreme detriment of their physical and emotional health and that of their families) before the damage done to you and your family destroys the good parts of her legacy”

    My heart is being torn apart right now. Does anybody understand that?

    Quote from a friend .”Your contribution of time and love are what kept your MIL in a family environment as long as she has been. You have done what you can and your family now takes precedence. There is nothing to feel guilty about.”
    Easier said than done, but we need help.

    I can nurse ONE person well, or TWO people poorly. The way my health is, I’m doing THREE very poorly. SOMETHING must be done and SOONER rather than LATER. Procrastination is our enemy. We don’t have the luxury of TIME on our hands.

    -------------------------------------------------------

    How's that sound? I may not have to bring it out, but it's got MY words in it ...

    just airing .

    Hugs
    Sally

     
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    Old 02-22-2005, 02:30 PM   #2
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Good luck .. my thoughts and prayers are with you ..you said it very well. Stick to your position. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. You did not sign up for an AD patient! NO WAY.

    Keep your chin up high .. all will be well. A solution is about to be found.

    Looking forward to your positive report!

    Love and prayers
    Martha

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 02:32 PM   #3
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    My Stars for today:

    <i>Your determination to press ahead with projects you really believe in could bring recognition for a special effort. A creative talent or clever idea could turn out to be a real money-spinner. Furthermore, you will get a lot of gratification from feeling the venture is truly your own. You are at your charming best today; use this to win others over to your way of thinking. You need to make your supporters more aware of the vision you have for the future.</i>

    Scarily eerie .......

    Hugs (thanks Martha)
    Sally

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 05:04 PM   #4
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Hi Sally,
    I have read and followed your posts. My heartfelt prayers go out to you and your loved ones.

    You have made me laugh and made me cry from everything you have been through and are still going through. You are a very strong and courageous woman. You have given me hope when I thought there was none.

    I wish you luck, but most of all know that I will be praying for you.

    Best wishes,
    Sam

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 06:53 PM   #5
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Hi Sally,

    I do so understand the wretching sadness of not being able to fix the unfixable, cure the uncurable, and be everything everyone needs you to be - perfectly - every minute of every day ad infinitum. I once read that it's impossible to make another person happy and only a woman would try. You have done well under the most trying of circumstances. As has been said, your presence, aid, and patience has prolonged FIL's life and enabled ditsy MIL to stay home as long as she has. You have done well. You have done very well. You have done amazingly well. Be proud of yourself. No guilt.

    Sweetheart, you are willing, but like the rest of us, you're hobbled by just being human, with the need for sleep, space, calm, happiness, laugher, and peace. Your needs and the needs of your DH and kids cannot be met in a house where an Alzheimer's patient is constantly creating chaos, where your lives are constantly interrupted, where the wonderful memories of sweet, loving Doris are being lost to the hurt and harm of the current Doris. This is the potential damage overcoming the legacy of good that your friend spoke of. No guilt.

    Doris won't be sad for long at her new home. She'll adapt and forget her real home, because that's the way the disease goes. No guilt.

    FIL cannot be sad for too long because he's seen the current Doris, heard her hurtful chatter, and he needs peace, too. No guilt.

    Go into the appointment with your head high. You have helped FIL and MIL stay togerther longer than possible. What a gift you have given them. No guilt.

    ((((((((hugs))))))))))). Let us hear from you.

    Blessing, Barbara

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 10:10 PM   #6
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Well ..

    That didn't go down too well.

    Gerientologist said basically what we've been told before, he was just a bit more blunt about it I guess. He doesn't want to talk about details of messes, he's seen in 3,500 times, he's straight forward about what HAS to be done.

    He said .... MIL has dementia. I don't care what kind, it's not important, what's important is she's looked after. We need to stop her med's, because she's not taking them properly anyway, they're probably doing more harm than good. I want to give her a Schzophrenic (sp?) drug (starts with an F, I can't pronounce it) a small injection once a week. We track her moods, and if need be, we gradually up it until we get an appropriate behaviour. OK?

    Ok says us.

    He continues: You also need to get her name down into ALL the nursing homes in this area. It will take 6 months or more to get a bed. Now if a bed comes up and you don't think MIL needs it, then you can gracefully knock it back. It doesn't take her off the list, but it's there if need be. If you don't need it, don't take it. It's your call. OK?

    Ok says us.

    Then BIL walked in. Gerientologist said PRETTY MUCH the same stuff and BIL said "You arrogant pig-headed *****, I am insulted by your attitude"

    Ok ... all hell broke loose in front of MIL who by now has figured this is about her, and is feeling threatened.

    BIL has either interpreted what was said to us differently, or something different was said to him. BIL believes everybody is trying to put his mother in a home NOW. Let's just get rid of her, and yup .. he's ****** off. I get it .. it's cool. What's got me is BIL saying "if THEY (me and crew) hadn't had moved in, things wouldn't be like they are now" ... meaning a) we've created this mess and perhaps b) other things would have been sorted.

    We did manage to get to FIL and catch him up on our interpretation of what happened. Just after that, BIL turned up and we left them together. Alan's just gone back with a beer for FIL, and we're waiting to see what happens from now.

    What was achieved?

    Nothing.

    *sigh*
    Sally

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 11:40 PM   #7
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Poor you, Sally. Back to square one? I can't understand the rage of your BIL ... BUT, I think now I do.

    This all hapened in 1989. My MIL fell while working in her garden. She passed out, was taken to a hospital and diagnosed with "stroke". After a few days they said, no, it wasn't a stroke, it is an inoperable brain tumor. Fatal. We lived 4 hours by Autobahn from them, and my SIL called to tell my husband the bad news.

    He went into a rage on the phone. He screamed at her (his sister) and BLAMED HER and all the others who lived close by and somehow "should have prevented this." He could not accept that his Mom was dying. She remained in a coma for 12 weeks (was sent home) and died. He got over his anger at the family. It was obviously not their fault, but he was "blaming the messenger" and the people who lived near her.

    I am sure it is a psychological phenomenon like 'denial' ... your BIL just can't get to the point where he acknowleges his mother is demented. So he finds a scapegoat to pin it on ... it's all your fault, if you hadn't come to live with them, they would both be the same as before. Of course he knows deep inside that it isn't so.

    I can only recommend that he comes to live in their house, with his girl friend, and you and your family go away for a day or a week or a month. (switch houses?) This reality check - even if it lasts only 1 month - will get his feet back on the ground.

    Meanwhile, injections against schizophrenia seem oddly misplaced here, and 'taking her off all her meds' sounds dangerous. What meds is she on? If my Mom went off her heart pills she would die.

    Oh Sally, your trial is not yet over, but hang in there. A place will appear in one of the nursing homes and she will go there, - BEFORE 6 months!!! - and everyone will be happier.

    Hang in there; but get more help even if you have to beg and plead ... 1 or 2 full days off per week for you, with 'them' doing the all day care of MIL and FIL. The medical profession is not always what we hope for. Your BIL's tantrum didn't make it any easier. Next thing they will want to put HIM in a psych ward!

    Oh Sally, what can anyone do. If I were there I'd take one shift a week to relieve you! From here all I can do is pray and hope. Maybe the 'shots' will calm her down.

    Try to guard your own physical and mental health. Don't accept anyone's opinion of you but your own and those of us who have been there .. we admire you and KNOW that you are an angel, doing God's work on Earth.

    ((((((enormous hug))))))

    love,
    Martha

    Last edited by Martha H; 02-22-2005 at 11:49 PM. Reason: typing too fast and making too many errors

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 01:19 AM   #8
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    PS Gereontologists don't know everything either. Often the nurse who does the daily bedside care knows more. My son in law is a nurse, as are his mother and his sister. They often joke about the doctors' poor judgement and mistakes ..which get blamed on the nurses. My son in law had to call a doctor back - at home - to check on a poorly written and illegible prescription .. oh boy the feathers flew. He called D an IDIOT and incompetent .. now he knows. Never never call the Great Men at home. Better, get clarification from whichever doc is on duty. But he was a brand new nurse and didn't know that yet.

    We 'normal ' people have to live with and adjust to the rulings of those Great Men (I mean this in the old inclusive sense, women docs are not much better.)

    When my daughter was expecting her 2nd baby, her woman doctor did routine blood tests and told her 'the baby has Trisomy 18, a genetic deformation. It will not live more than a year, will have multiple deformities, and die. I recommend an abortion." Since we have a religious problem with abortion, we painfully decided to stick it out ..take care of the baby for his short life, and let him die, knowing we all did the best we could. 6 months later Benjamin was born: a PERFECT child in every way. OOPS, sorry .. the blood test must have been mixed up with another J****** M*****, a very common name in Indiana ...

    What I'm saying is: you can't fight City Hall, but you can adjust your own reaction. Try to accomplish what you can under the circumstances. I would have thought you got priority for a place in a nursing home...

    Love
    Martha

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 02:25 AM   #9
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Ok .. after intensive yakking (talking) with BIL and L ... we've come up with:

    FIL needs to stop being selfish and thinking about what makes him happy.

    Geriatrician was too abrupt and expecting too much placidity from the family. Remember, I know this guy, and yes, he exhibited behaviour I expected, however, I am more prepared for his abrupt words. He needs to show more empathy himself to family members and not railroad them.

    MIL <b>WILL</b> need a home, and I DID explain to BIL about the "list" .. we don't need it .. we don't use it, we need it, then its available ... he has conceded.

    BIL agrees .. WE NEED TO GET OUT ... things <u><b>have</u></b> to be forced ... FIL won't like it, well, nobody likes what's happening now except him .. the masses concede to the minority .. now that just doesn't make sense.......

    We are meeting again with the ACAT team tomorrow ... not sure when or where at the moment ........ but it'll be sorted WITHOUT the doctors input. We already knew everything he said .. I'm thankful it was confirmed, but obviously badly for others .. I can deal with it, other's can't .. OK .. that I understand.

    BIL realises and has informed FIL that this address ISNT working ... Not for MIL, not for ME, not for my hubby, not for our kids. the ONLY thing it is doing is making him comfortable at everybody elses costs.

    Hmm...............hmmmmm......makes ya think eh?

    ok .. meeting with ACAT tomorrow ............. more then
    (Ps: Geriatrician had NO intentions of admitting MIL and adjusting her meds, NO intentions of doing anything but insisting we put her on a nursing home LIST ... no intentions of doing anything absolutely CONCRETE really .............)

    I need to think more on this .. obviously more happened, but typing it down in logical order and meaningful order is the difficult thing at the moment (it's 9.25pm)

    Hugs
    More soon
    Sally

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 11:38 AM   #10
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Hi Sally,

    Well, BUMMER!!!!!! The folks who told you he'd almost certainly admit MIL need to be in sync with the doctor. No fair to get your hopes up for some meaningful intervention and relief when that wasn't even a consideration. They all need to be shaken until their teeth rattle!

    How is MIL reacting without any meds? Of course you cannot tell what might happen since you have no idea how she was taking the meds. Is it possible that she hasn't been taking any meds? Your MIL could be coming down from a real overdose. You can gain some information about what to expect by looking up her meds on-line and reading the precautions that address overdose and suddenly stopping the medicine.

    It's good that BIL is finally getting his feet back on the ground and facing reality. He's about to get a real eye-opener if/when your family leaves, isn't he? I imagine FIL and MIL are in other housing right quick.

    How do you feel about leaving that household? Would you need to stay in the area until a school break just for the kids?

    By the way, long ago I had to call a doctor to come back to the hopsital wing because no one could read his writing - when he got there, he couldn't read it either!!!!!!!!!! Sweet satisfaction!!

    Hope the ACAT meeting provides more realistic options.

    Hang in there - tell you mother you'll see her Friday!! I admire your calm!

    ((((hugs)))) and blessings - Barbara

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 04:38 PM   #11
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Hi Sally. This will be a short reply as I do not feel well today. My thyroid is going bonkers and I feel like I could fall over with exaustion at any moment.
    I think Martha has a good point. Maybe your BIL is not accepting of his mom's condition. Now that it's been pointed out to him by a doctor, it makes it more real and scares him. This is not an excuse for his behavior toward you and your husband. There is no excuse for that. You've been there for your in-laws more than anyone in their family. You MUST do whatever you need to do in order to retain your health and sanity. If this means putting your foot down and saying "I can't do this anymore", then so be it. You've done much more than your fair share.
    And Barbara is oh so right. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You gave it your best shot (which is a darn good one).
    You deserve to live life too.
    My prayers are with you dear.
    Now off to the couch I go......
    Barb
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    Old 02-23-2005, 08:46 PM   #12
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    Underactive Thyroid

    Barb ...

    I also take 1000mg of kelp every day to keep me awake. Even tho I'm on 200mcg of oroxine daily, I'm still exhausted. The kelp makes a WORLD of difference ...

    do give it a go ... it will help

    Hugs
    Sally

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 08:54 PM   #13
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    What a difference a day makes.

    Amazing what can happen in 24 hours isn't it?

    This afternoon at 1pm, my hubby and I went over to BIL & L's place to meet up with C - the ACAT lady, and G, the social worker guy. We met C at yesterday's fiasco, and I've heard ALOT of good things about G ...

    Plus .. BIL, L, me and hubby had hashed out alot last night, so we were alot calmer as well ... which helped. We KNOW they both need outside care, we KNOW we cannot meet their needs. WE KNOW I'm crashing. WE KNOW my kids are crashing ... we KNOW this isn't working. BIL even went to FIL last night and said this isn't working .. TODAY FIL said "There's an element of truth in what he says" ... (ahhhhhh.. so you WERE listening ... ah HA!)

    Basically today revealed:

    Mum AND Dad need nursing home care! Yes says ACAT team, they are in High Need Dependency.

    Can we keep them together? Probably yes.

    Can we do this gently and subtely? Yes we can.

    Can Alan and Sally and kids continue living in this house? Yes

    Will we medicate MIL? Not necessarily. Outside influences will be brought in to counteract her angst about me doing stuff for John. If she has that same BAD angst with strangers, then yes.

    FIL may yet stay in hospital. We don't know that part. The FINE details have to be worked out. We have to investigate these facilities recommended that will house them both and go to FIL fully educated and all loop holes and 'in between the lines' covered ... forwarned is forarmed I think is the term.

    Our 3.5 hour meeting went VERY nicely today. Alot of "Catch 22'ing", and going around in circles, but goals were made. NOW ..........

    I have handed the responsibility of this to FIL's sons. I am stepping back from this discussion. They know where I stand. They know what I am prepared to put in ... we shall see what happens.

    Wheels turning slowly .. again ... "G" is coming around to the house next week to meet MIL and get the 'lay of the land' so to speak. Help me with behaviour modification and coping skills. He may even suggest other stuff .. but this is his JOB now ... I have a friend !! Yay !!!!!!!!

    Hugs
    Sally

    Last edited by mustang_sally; 02-23-2005 at 08:56 PM.

     
    Old 02-23-2005, 09:11 PM   #14
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    Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    WOOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh, Sally!!!!! This is fantastic news! What a wonderful difference 24 hours has made, indeed.

    I'm so glad everyone is at last on the same page, that a joint effort will be make henceforth in finding a place for John and Doris were they can be together. I so hope Doris can be found and peaceful inside MIL.

    Most excellent, too, is that your longsuffering and deserving family can stay in the house until you're good and ready to go north or the place of your choice. The least amount of added upset for the kids, the better.

    Meanwhile (the time until MIL and FIL move away), you have an ally, a sounding board, and a problem solver on your side now - you can tell G. that I've assigned him those duties to make your life easier now since I am too far away to come myself!!

    Oh, joy! Happy dancing! Reason and common sense prevail. At last.

    (((hugs))) and blessings (and good night!) Barbara

     
    Old 02-24-2005, 01:52 AM   #15
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    Smile Re: Gerientologist Meeting

    Dear Sally,

    I thank God for hearing our prayers. There is now light at the end of the long tunnel you are in. I hope a suitable placement is found soon. (I wonder if putting them both together is wise, thinking she may do something to HURT him physically or otherwise - but that's up to the professionals.) I just keep on praying for you to get the strength you need to go on FOR JUST A LITTLE LONGER.

    love, big hugs, and joyful thanksgiving,

    Martha

    Last edited by Martha H; 02-24-2005 at 01:53 AM.

     
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