My baby died. . .was due in FEB.

HI everyone

So, there is a miscarriage and stillbirth board. I think it is a wonderful idea. This post was originally started on the pregnancy board, but I guess they moved it.

I just recently came home from the hospital. I mentioned in the previous post that I had a flu. Well, thats what the doc said when I went to him the first time with a fever and lower body aches. almost 2 weeks later, of suffering at home, turns out I had septic thrombophlebitis (infected blood clots in my leg) and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks straight. I was admitted on valentines day, the day my husband and I were going to our first grief support group for parents who lost a child. It was terrible. 2 IV antibiotics, blood thinners, painkillers, antidepressants, anyhow I am home and the doctors screwed up again missing the clot when i first went in. Yes, same doctors, my OB/gyns. Now I am on blood thinners for 6 months and cannot get pregnant on it. I was horribly depressed in the hospital and I didn't think I would make it out of there with my sanity. I completely had lost my appetite and was living on sprite, graham crackers and peanut butter.

I am feeling better little by little every day, but the clots will still take 2-3 months to dissolve. I am trying to peice my life back together.

I still feel so sorrowful over the loss of Patrick. I think about him constantly. I cry a lot. I fantasize that he is here and well and then wake up again in reality. It sucks and hurts and can't wait til the day my life starts to make some sense.

Thanks for everyones support.

Hi,
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very devastating. I work with a woman who lost her child about 2 weeks before due date. She didn't have your complications. She went to a normal doctors visit and they told her they couldn't get a heartbeat. I don't remember the cause, but I know it was very hard on her. Months later I spoke at length with her. My child would have been about 4 months older than hers. I asked her if she would like to meet my baby and I brought her in to see her later that day. She loved that.

One day you will find that you can go on. I am sorry that insult was added to your injury. It seems so unnecessary. I would definitely get a new ob/gyn. Especially one who will monitor you. When I was expecting my fifth (at 40), I was already border line with high blood pressure. I was amazed at how I was monitored throughout my whole pregnancy. I probably went to the doctor twice as many times as what you might consider normal. I am shocked that doctors out there take for granted that they have TWO lives that are at risk because of that "everything is ok" attitude.

I hope you success in the future and Patrick will soon have a sibling here on earth to look over.
I will be thinking of you and your dh.

~~M
married 5-24-86
miscarried 9-86
first 3-19-88
second 5-3-90
third 2-19-92
miscarried 6-98
fourth 11-17-99
miscarried 10-2001
fifth 7-8-2003

I am so sorry this happened to you! I am fighting back tears as I read it.
I lost a baby but I was 12 weeks along. It was devasting .
While in the midst of my pain someone told me "you'll have a baby to take care of in heaven". I can't tell you how such a simple thing helped so much but it did. It's been 7 years and I still think I will have a baby waiting for me.
I was blessed five years ago with a healthy baby girl.
xoxo

I feel the same way. I even dreamed about a baby, and i don't know, maybe it was the baby i lost or maybe it was one that will come, but i know i loved it in my dream and when i woke up i still loved it.

I've just read your heartbreaking story, and it's really comforted me to hear someone elses story similar to mine.
I was 21 weeks pegnant with my first son when I felt something wasn't right.
I saw my doctor had scans and was reassured nothing was wrong.
By 22 weeks I had heavy pains in my thighs and bleeding.
I was internally examined and told that they couldn't see where I was loosing the blood from and that I was eperiencing these pains due to tiredness.
By 23 weeks from the opening of my cervix I could actually feel what felt like a bubble protruding from there.
I was examined again and told they could not see anything and that the neck of the womb was tightly closed, by this time I felt I was going mad.
Within 12 hours I was back at hospital demanding an explanation when my waters broke, by this time I was 3 cm dilated and labor was inevitable.
I was given nifedipine to try and stop the contractions and delay labor while I was given steroids to give my sons lungs a fighting chance when he was born.
I was in active labor for 72 hours and put on a tilted bed to keep my baby inside me as long as possible, I was unable to have any form of pain relief due to babies prematurity.
When my son William was born he cried, which was hard for me to believe as he was only 1 pound and 5 ounces in weight.
He was rushed to the neonatal unit, where I was told he had a 40% chance of survival. But if he could make it through the next 3 days his chances increased to 80%.
We prayed and he made it through the critical days the doctors were amazed by his determination and so were we, but I had to keep a rational thought at the back of my head that he wouldn't make it.
I expressed breast milk and he had it through a tube, I watched him in his incubator day after day watching him grow wriggle kick and even open his eyes, he was perfect except for his tubes.
When he heard our voices he would wriggle more and as the days passed I let myself believe that maybe I would be taking my son home one day.
When he was 11 days old as we were leaving him on his night visit the nurse asked me if I would like to change his nappy the next day and I cried with joy and excitement all night.
The next morning we had a call from the hospital that William had become unwell through the night and they feared he may have an infection.
We got to the hospital and although all the nurses and specialists said that he was strong and that he could fight it, as I looked at my son I knew he had given up.
He opened his eyes and tried to cry through his tube for the first time and I knew he had had enough.
We gave him 4 hours to try and battle and I sat there holding his tiny hand telling him about all the wonderful things we would do together if he could make it.
In the end the doctors said there was nothing more they could do for him and it would be kinder to let him go.
Although my stomach raged to fight and fight, my heart wanted him to be at peace and I ached just to wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead.
They led my husband and I to a quiet room while we waited an eternal 15 minutes as they removed his tubes.
The door opened and a nurse came in with a tiny bundle in her arm and she handed him to me.
I held him and I looked at his face, I was amazed by how peaceful he looked, his mouth even looked like he was smiling.
I sat with him for a while but I knew if I didn't give him back soon that I would never be able to. I kissed my brave little man and handed him back.
I was given a box containg his sheet, hat and blanket.
And as I left the hospital with this box in my hand I couldn't help but feel that after everything I had come away with a box in my arms not my son.
I had to throw myself into funeral arrangements to keep my sanity, and I must say seeing his tiny white coffin lowered into the ground was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I had to keep strong as my husband and my 4 and 2 year old daughters needed me.
I remember everyone saying well at least he wasn't your first or the girls will keep you busy, but my eldest daughter had met William she had rubbed my belly when I was pregnant, and trying to explain to her without getting too upset that he was gone and never coming back was heart breaking
But I do thank William for the special days he gave me and family.
He was only with us a brief time but the courage he showed us has touched everyone that ever knew him.
He was a special blessing and we'll never forget him.
Thankyou for telling your story it has given me the courage to write mine as our special angels should be celebrated forever.
At Williams funeral we played Kirsty Macolls Thankyou for the days as this was such a poignant song and I felt it was his song.
And it would comfort me to think that who ever reads this when they hear that song they think of my son.

hope2heal
I do hope you will heal well, take your time. sending you best wishes in your time of sadness. Hope you find some support from not only your family and friends but everyone here on this board. Thinking of you at this difficult time
The courage of you sharing your story has helped others in their healing and allowed them to share their stories, thank you.

im sorry for your loss. i dont quite know what your going through but i lost my 3 month old son in feb, 2004 of sids and i know how bad that has hurt me. my prayers go out to you

Hi Hope2Heal,

I'm truly very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Patrick.. My thoughts and prayers are with you and DH.. I know how you feel right now.. My sister had a miscarriage when her baby was 4 months and when she found out her baby boy did not make it.. It was devasting and heart breaking.. I felt my sister's pain and yours as well.. I don't have any kids of myself yet.. I have been ttc for 3 1/2 yrs and each month, I break down with tears finding myself not pregnant.. My prayers are with you, Dh, and your family.. I know Patrick is not here anymore, but he will always be in your heart forever.. He's in heaven and he knows how much you loved him.. I know it's going to take a very long time to recovery.. Just remember time heal all wounds... I will pray for you that your next baby will be healthy and easy pregnancy... I hope these words will make you feel better... Lots of luck and wishes for you and DH... Take care...


Krystal