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  • 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

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    Old 03-15-2005, 02:22 PM   #16
    Noliving
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Dawn you don't know that her 17 yearold daughter hasn't done any of that stuff that your daughter has. In fact in most of the schools it's the smart ones that are doing just as much drugs and alcohol as the dumb kids.

     
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    Old 03-15-2005, 02:42 PM   #17
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Dawn,
    It's OK to have High Expectations for your daughter, I so know how you feel.
    I'm the mom who's son was arrested at 3:30AM driving without a license, had to pick him up at the Police Station, go to court, he was on probation for 3 months - I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I was so let down. I cried for a few days straight and kept asking where did I go wrong.
    I thank god, he was not on drugs, was not drunk, did not get into an accident but chose to do a very stupid stupid teenage thing...
    My expectations of him going to a IVY league college also went down the drain - he went from a straight A student to C's & D's...awww, the fighting, agruing, lectures, snooping, and grounding him....
    But, I NEVER give up, I continue to talk talk talk, lecture lecture lecture and snoop snoop snoop...

    Some girls your daughters age DO talk with their parents, but Parents too have to listen to their teenagers, regardless if it's good or bad what they tell us. We must stand by them, guide them and help them make right decisions.
    They will fight you along the way, you'll be pulling your hair out...But, no matter what they need structure and guidence, even if they tell you NO.

    I have two older sisters and they two have Wonderful daughters who gave them no trouble in their teenage years. They are all doing well in good selected colleges...WE can't keep comparing, we have to help the ones we got. Don't worry about it falling on deaf ears - THEY DO LISTEN, they really really do....Sometimes I hear my son tell his friends he can't go out for the evening because he's grounded...He just needs a night to chill out from his friends but of course.....Doesn't Want to TELL THEM THAT, he rather tell them I grounded him for something stupid he did.

    I'm just rattling on here to give you support and let you know you're not alone. My son is 16 1/2 now, driving, has his own car, hasn't gotten a job yet; but he's ready to take his SAT's and we are looking at colleges...

    He's no angel but we talk alot whenever and wherever - I'm alittle shocked sometimes, I think he likes to do that to me, but he knows what's right and what's wrong...I pray he stays away from drinking & driving and he knows that since he does go to parties...I always ask him about these parties and from what he tells me (for the most part)

    YOU have not done a LOUSY job, you have done a great job, it's just that NOW you have a TEENAGER who is changing with hormones going on, peer pressure and all sorts of things....

    Try if you can to tell your husband that you would really like to handle this situation the way you see fit and that HE needs to TRUST your mother insticts on this....Allow your daughter to have friends over, take her and her friends to the Mall, dinner, movies tag along even if she doesn't want you there...Are you close to any of the girlfriends mothers? Where you can all hang out? I'm not saying to become her friend but continue to be her mother,
    start doing those cute mom & daughter things...That you both will enjoy, she may be mad at first or say she doesn't want to hang with you, but do it anyways, get a Facial together, massage, your nails done in all these places your daughter will start having fun with you, enjoy your company, brag to her girlfriends what mom is doing with her and you will be chit chatting with her and learn what's going on in her life and her friends life...

    My son and I go out to dinner once a week, or spend some mom/son time and I find out alot about what he and HIS friends are doing.....AND I still SNOOP...

     
    Old 03-16-2005, 09:32 AM   #18
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    And I'm going to chime in again - you absolutely do not know that your 17-year-old niece "would never do these things". I'll bet anything that her mother doesn't know half of what that girl's done, so please don't think that you or your daughter are failures. You are simply normal.

     
    Old 03-16-2005, 04:14 PM   #19
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Art_930
    And I'm going to chime in again - you absolutely do not know that your 17-year-old niece "would never do these things". I'll bet anything that her mother doesn't know half of what that girl's done, so please don't think that you or your daughter are failures. You are simply normal.
    I so have to agree here - my friends daughter who is 17 and a senior has never given her mother any trouble, She is a cheerleader, on the National Honor Society, has been accepted to 4 good colleges and continues to receive acceptance letters, never misses her curfew, doesn't disrespect her mother and we just found out - she smokes POT everyday, likes to Drink, and is now smoking! From a girl who swore she would never pick up the nasty habit of smoking from me - She hated smoke, also swore she would never do drugs - One never knows.......

     
    Old 03-16-2005, 04:22 PM   #20
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    all good advice............mom is over=reacting

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 02:56 PM   #21
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I am sorry but ppl should not write in diaries if they don't want others to read them. It is your house and your daughter knows the rules. She broke them, simple as that. I would have her tell those other girls that if they don't tell their parents that you are going to. TThat is a teen pregnancy waiting to happen. My mom was not strict at all and I wish she had been. Parents that are involved in their kids' lives have happier more mature children. I would fill up her free time with activities so she was not sitting around coming up with stuff to do on her own. I would tell her you know everyone makes mistakes and that once she proves she can be responsible she can have some privelages back. There has to be some consequences for her actions. She needs to be held accountable. I really think that if more teens feared the consequences of their actions they would make better decisions. Most parents today want to be friends with their children. I am sorry but my husband and I don't pay for the roof over their heads and the food on their plates to have them disrespect us or themselves. Good luck. She will be mad at you at first, but when she is older she will be glad you showed her how to be a better person
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    Old 03-18-2005, 11:00 PM   #22
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Dawn-

    I am a 21yr old female and i went through a phase of having a journal, infact i still have one that i update quite regularly and I still live at home with my parents.

    I have never had my mother go behind my back and read my notebook. Do you think your daughter may have left it in an area like that because she trusted you wouldnt read her 'private' moments. This is a major trust issue. I have an excellent bond w/my mom now i tell her almost everything.

    I think punishing her to an extreme is wrong. You were in the wrong for reading her journal. I know your her mother, but now your ready to stick her with a threapist? What for? She's an adolesent she's doing what all kids are doing, experimenting with boys and alcohol. The girls kissing each other maybe have been an experiment as well. Kids see that stuff on tv all the time, maybe they wanted to see what the hype was about. It doesnt make your daughter or her friends lesbians if that is what you are worried about.

    And a private highschool? what will that do? there will still be boys, there will still be kids experimenting with alcohol. I really think you are over reacting about this. And i also think if you do a lot of what you listed you may never have a strong bond with your daughter.

    You read her private moments and your going to "send her away" so to speak for something you read but shouldnt have. What if she was 17 or 18 and you found her diary? what if you read she has had sex with couple different guys? What if you read she has tried pot? What then?

    I truthfully dont think you need to give her the 3rd degree over this. and it upsets me to see what you are willing to do over this. Put away the alcohol, and talk to her about her "expierimenting" but dont think she needs therapy and private school. I think you will regret that in the long run. And you should make it a point to apologize to her for reading HER journal. Trust is a big thing when your at this age. If she goes into depression it will be because her parents pushed her there. And you cant blame that on alcohol experiments or kissing boys/girls.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 09:02 AM   #23
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Yes but if her health is in danger and or her safety than it is ok for her to be reading the diary.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 12:53 PM   #24
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    she's not in danger...she's doing what all 14yr olds are doing. (maybe not kissing other girls) But my sister is 14 she has experiment with drinking, she has kissed boys and what not, i dont think she's kissed another girl but still.

    This doesnt make my sister a bad person, nor did it affect her health. The mom didnt know anything about her daughters health being affected or what her daughter was doing (experimenting) she read her diary. Big trust violation....she will regret this in the future if her daughter doesnt trust her...I think she should apologize for violating her privacy and explain a few things, but not send her away like shes a devil child...It's like you dont want to raise your kid if you send her away...

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 11:35 PM   #25
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Even though I'm a male, and new here, I think I actually have something to say. If you believe she has good judgement, don't do anything. But, I would not try to monitor her via the Internet. I would see how easy it is to get in to her good graces via a chatroom. Assume an alias, male, preferably, and start trying o get her to do stuff. Reason why I would not monitor her via the Internet or parental blocks- my kid is 12, and can actually force me off the computer. He knows how to go past blocks, and create ways of getting me off by viruses and such. Oddly, I discovered he has a good taste in porn. He wipes the Internet history, and he also has found ways of not getting spyware and viruses via the porn- I'm tempted to ask him how.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 12:10 AM   #26
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    If you went to court with evidence found from an illegal search, the case would be thrown out.

    My mom used to read my diary. A lot of good that did her. I havent spoke to her in six years, since I was 16. I was also babysitting once on valentines day and my boyfriend stopped by with a gift. I didnt even let him in the house and made him leave. My mother yelled at me about sex and such and forbid me from babysitting for other people. At this point in my childhood I had not even kissed a boy. I resented her for that. And when a real crisis came, I left.

    Yes I agree the sexual encounter and the alcohol is too much for her being so young, but punishing her for something she regrets is not the way to go about it. Lock up the booze and remind her of the house rules (no guest in the house when your not home). Let her work through this. All you can do is hope that she does, and when she does she will come to you about it. Offer more opportunity for open communication. That right there lies most problems.

    Good Luck
    And remember she is a good kid
    Francesca

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 09:45 AM   #27
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65
    she's not in danger...she's doing what all 14yr olds are doing. (maybe not kissing other girls) But my sister is 14 she has experiment with drinking, she has kissed boys and what not, i dont think she's kissed another girl but still.

    This doesnt make my sister a bad person, nor did it affect her health. The mom didnt know anything about her daughters health being affected or what her daughter was doing (experimenting) she read her diary. Big trust violation....she will regret this in the future if her daughter doesnt trust her...I think she should apologize for violating her privacy and explain a few things, but not send her away like shes a devil child...It's like you dont want to raise your kid if you send her away...
    I never said it makes them a bad person. Studies have shown that alchohol has a negative affect on the growth of the body till the age of 18-21 years of age so yes it did affect her health but probably not noticeable.

    You don't know that she won't get drunk at party and end up getting raped. Anyone that drinks alcohol increases there risk of getting hurt whether it be mentally or physically. But for teens that just do it to get drunk you really think they know what they are going to be doing? I'm not saying this girl is getting drunk but there is always the problem of peerpressure there.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 02:24 PM   #28
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    she never mentioned going to a party she tried a couple drinks in her own home. From alcholol that her own parents left out. If they want to avoid her drinking in their home they need to put that stuff away. I had a party at my house (supervised by parents) at 15 they had a 5th of vodka in the basement and some of my friends started putting it in their pepsi cans, i hid it once i found out.

    He parents need to hide it or lock it up. It's their own fault she was curious she see's them drinking and thinks "why cant i?"

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 05:55 PM   #29
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I'll have to agree with the other posters that your punishments are rather harsh. You sound like a traditionalist. I think that it's great that you share your personal experiences as a teenager with her, but every generation is different, and as a parent you need to accept that times are not the same as they were when you were a teen. You say that she's involved in a "fantastic" church program that teaches kids to live a "wholesome" life and abstinence, but does she share the same opinion or view as you do? Does she think it's fantastic, or is she in it solely to make you happy? I don't think that your daughter is manipulating you, but she's obviously not comfortable discussing certains issues with you because as you said you're a strict parent. I don't know your daughter nor do I know you, but it sounds like she's been kept in the dark about boys and sex, and she's trying to experience these things herself because she was never exposed to it. You sound like you have a great daughter, and she cares about your well-being. Your daughter knows that you have your hands full with your sons, but you need to let your daughter live her own life and make mistakes so that she learns from them. Sit down with her and talk to her about things that you read in her diary and things that you've kept her in the dark about.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 06:01 PM   #30
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65
    she never mentioned going to a party she tried a couple drinks in her own home. From alcholol that her own parents left out. If they want to avoid her drinking in their home they need to put that stuff away. I had a party at my house (supervised by parents) at 15 they had a 5th of vodka in the basement and some of my friends started putting it in their pepsi cans, i hid it once i found out.

    He parents need to hide it or lock it up. It's their own fault she was curious she see's them drinking and thinks "why cant i?"

    Wrong about their fault. She knows better than to drink that stuff and they don't control her actions they can only influence her to do the right thing. Everything that she does is 100% her responsbility.

    I agree that the punishments though are harsh. If she wants to try alcohol tell her to ask you guys if she can have a sip or if she can have any but it can only be in front of you guys.

     
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