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    Old 03-16-2005, 02:36 PM   #31
    Lin35
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    I cannot believe I came across your posting. I am going thru something incredibly similar at the moment. My bf and I have had a similar history of him doing things to jeopardise trust - including concealing things so as not to 'hurt me' but like you, we have a great time when we are together. He is my best friend and we have fun - different to my previous lonely relationship. He has recently had an emotional friendship with a woman from work and has been texting and calling her behind my back while deliberately concealing it from me. I know that nothing further has gone on and that he was helping her thru a hard time but it is the second time he has hidden a friendship with a woman. He says that it is mainly due to my trust issues and that I would get the wrong idea - hmm.... I very much value honesty in a relationship and have told him that over and over again. Yet, he still does this. I too am a good partner who probably gives too much and think this might be some of the reason for his continued behaviour. He has already had one chance with something like this tho so ultimately it is his responsibility for where we are now.

    Anyway, I found out about it on Sunday and threw him out. He keeps telling me how sorry he is, won't do it again, learned his lesson, etc. But, I have managed to stay strong and not take him back. I have told him that there were other issues and this was the catalyst for it so we are taking space to sort our heads out. But, like you I keep getting drawn into feeling sorry for him and worrying about his future. I am tempted to let him back so that he will be happy. But ultimately, will this make me happy? I really feel for you and if you discover the answer, please let me know!

    Take care.

     
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    Old 03-16-2005, 03:25 PM   #32
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Hi Lin35,
    Welcome to this board. I'm glad you found us and thank you for your post.
    I, obviously, am not the one to be asking for advice on your situation as we are taking similar paths. But, I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your a stronger person than I am. I'd like to believe that if a child wasn't involved, i'd give her the 'boot' too, but I honestly don't know if i'd react any differently.
    Anyway, there are many great people around here who give wonderful, non-judgemental advice and support. If I can help you in any way, please don't hesitate to ask. Oh, and yes, if I find the answer i'll let you know what it is, but you'll probably discover it first. I'm weak

     
    Old 03-16-2005, 04:29 PM   #33
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    You are not weak. Just confused. We will see how strong I am in the next few weeks. It's only been a couple of days. It will be (and already has been) very tempting to go back with him. It would be just so much easier to go back to the life we had. Like I said, I do care for him and we do have a good time. But, this is the chance to stop all the anxiety and worry about him being able to be honest with me. Unfortunately, I'm left with a different kind. Are you feeling happier about things?

     
    Old 03-17-2005, 08:21 AM   #34
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    Cool Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Ed,

    This is part of a recent post that I replied to for someone else, and yet it applies here also, so I've switched some wording around to suit this reply:

    At this point, remember it's no longer about what this woman did with this other man. This woman has already made her position clear on that (she cheated), so you know where you stand.

    Even if she gives you mixed signals or fires up the soft spots you still carry for her, you know that you will always have something to deal with if you continue to date this woman.

    So many women (and men) lack the healthy, necessary self-esteem in order to deal with whatever comes their way, especially when it pertains to relationship issues - of ANY kind (friends, lovers, work).

    There comes a point where you just need to stand up to that pain and personal humiliation or rejection (no matter how difficult) and not allow that person to have that emotional hold any longer.

    You have no control over how another person will or won't treat you. But you do have control over how you much you will "allow" another person to take that treasured part of you that you once gave so freely or trustingly.

    Don't go by this woman's blatant taking advantage of you, to determine the amount of your worth. Everyone has the right to be loved in the manner that they deserve and desire. If this woman cannot hold your relationship or herself in high regard, you are better off knowing and accepting that than living a life FOR her or for the sake of maintaining your realtionship.

    You say she's your 'best friend'. A best friend would never do the things she has done.

    You are not weak, you are human. Everyone wants to "belong" and be loved. But at what price? Is this woman honestly worth the kind of emotional compromise? And more importantly, why do you think you're NOT worth it for someone to be faithful and honest all the time?

    You are settling.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 03:50 PM   #35
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Hey Wowwwweeee,
    great post!!! So honest and so true. Now this is where I, once again, go against everyone elses and my own common sense and give you an update...

    St. Patricks Day, we had an incredible talk. I'll tell ya, it couldn't have happened at a better time for me because i'd been really wrestling with myself over whether to end this or not. She actually brought it up .

    She told me that she knows that what she did hurt me beyond repair. That she is so "stupid" and "sorry" for what she did that the main reason she doesn't like talking about it is because she's so "embarassed" and "ashamed" of herself. That she realizes how wonderful I am to her and her son and that she'd be truly lost without me. She knows i've given her everything i'm capable of and made her life so much better. She swore up and down that nothing physical, not even a kiss, occured between them. That he was pushing her toward that and she "snapped" out of it and told him it was getting to "heavy" for her that she couldn't do it anymore. And, once again, that she will spend the rest of her life making me feel like the luckiest man alive. That she'll put every ounce of energy in regaining my trust. That she knows "without a shadow of a doubt" that i'm the only man she ever wants to be with, physically, mentally, and emotionally. She admitted that it was kind of exciting at first, flirting with this guy and being sneaky making calls to him behind everyones backs, but once they met outside of work, she was terrified that she took it to far and it sunk in that if I found out that she'd surely lose me(yeah right, huh?). She assured me that nothing even remotely similar will ever happen again.

    Now, directly afterward, I felt wonderful. I believed her. She really has been doing everything right. We had the situation about the Communion, which we've since worked out... I mean, we'll see how she behaves anyway. I want to give her one last chance for about the 3rd time now . We took the kids for a weekend trip and had an incredible time. So, I guess i'm going to try to do this. My eyes will be wide open and i've told her that it will take me a looong time to regain my trust and respect back, but she knows that. I still have doubts as to whether anything more happened, but god I want to believe her. I'm trying to. She sounded so sincere and honest when we talked, it was tough not to believe her. But, like I said, i'll be keeping my eyes wide open.

    I'm trying to look at this like my last effort to make this work. If it doesn't, then at least I can live with the fact that I did absolutely everything to make this work. If it doesn't, i'll have no questions about whether I made a big enough effort. I told her that i'm too old for games and I won't be made a fool of again. I think she knows that i'm serious and good god I hope she is. Well, let the flaming begin... I know I deserve it. I'll keep you all updated now and again. Thanks so much to everybody for your advice, help, and just being there for me. It means a lot to me.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 04:13 PM   #36
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    I'm sorry babe, but I'm going to tell you the same thing I'd tell a women in the same situtation. Kick her to the curb. Trust your instincts. The hardest time for anyone to cheat is the first time. After that they already know what punishment they'll face. None! You'll have shown her that you'll take her back on any tems. She will value you less for it, not more.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 09:13 PM   #37
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    i just want to say to you ed, don't be hard on yourself for feeling this way. this happened to me, my ex lied to me while i was living wit him with my 2 kids. he lied for 9 months about cheating and it didn't even come out till after i broke up with him. this was something HE cried about when i brought it up, he was just so upset that i didn't beleive him and it hurt him so bad--trying to make me feel guilty for not beleiving him. when he was infact lying!!!! the sadest part is, that if he would take me back (and this is over a year later--which through the whole time from the day i left has been with the person he cheated on me with) i would be with him. i definately understand you not wanting to get away from you. it can be too hard to do. i just want to tell you that, your not the only one who felt this way, its not your fault, or something you did wrong, it is her. and i think coocoo hit it right on the head when she said :
    Quote:
    cause you feel like she doesn't want you, that drives all of use crazy. thats what hurts so much. it makes you think your not good enough, and about what else you could have done, but the truth is IT'S NOT YOU THAT HAS THE PROBLEM, and it's been three weeks for me and i stiil can't see it,and he did cheat, i know that.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 10:35 PM   #38
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    ..................

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-16-2005 at 02:26 PM.

     
    Old 03-20-2005, 10:50 PM   #39
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    .................

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-16-2005 at 02:27 PM.

     
    Old 03-21-2005, 07:22 AM   #40
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    Cool Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Hi Ed,

    You wrote, "I'm trying to look at this like my last effort to make this work. If it doesn't, then at least I can live with the fact that I did absolutely everything to make this work. If it doesn't, i'll have no questions about whether I made a big enough effort".

    That's the whole point. You HAVE been putting for an effort - she hasn't.

    This is temporary and a band-aid for her issues. And deep down, you know this.

    Just because a person sweet talks you during a repentant moment doesn't mean much these days. ACTIONS speak louder than words, and her actions really say a lot.

    You will continue to doubt and mistrust, as you've already stated, "I still have doubts as to whether anything more happened, but God I want to believe her".

    You are going to be putting WAY MORE effort into trying to "make" this work, again, than she will. Just TRYING to trust her, again, is going to cause conflict and turmoil for you.

    You state that you are "trying" to trust her. You shouldn't have to "try" to trust your partner.

    I am curious as to why YOU feel YOU need to make sure you are doing EVERYTHING to "make this work". Shouldn't SHE? She will be energetic in this endeavor for a while, and then fall back on old behaviors.

    Some people will seek comfort from the thing that's causing them the most distress because it's familiar or they are scared to go without - even if it's unhealthy. You are in an unhealthy relationship.

    You are setting a poor example for your child - who learns and follows by example. You are teaching your child to settle.

    I do wish you good luck - however I fear that you'll be back posting about this unhealthy relationship again.

    Take good care.

    Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 03-21-2005 at 07:22 AM.

     
    Old 03-21-2005, 08:03 AM   #41
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Thanks again for all of your honest input.
    I don't even know what to say... honestly. I know you all are just telling me what I really need to hear, and you are correct. I do realize that the odds are not good that my relationship will succeed. I know we're just "boyfriend and girlfriend"; but, we're more 'married' than many married couples are. We've lived together for 2 years now. We have 3 kids involved, my 2 and her son. We have combined bills, etc. We just haven't said our vows before god. Pi$$ed me off when her friend said, "Well, you do have to realize that she is still on the market. She doesn't have a ring on her finger". I told her the same thing.
    I don't know. Maybe I am totally blind here, but I just sense that she's serious. I really believe that she's sorry and, in her mind right now anyway, I don't believe that she wants to take a different avenue in life. I know that we have a great life together when both of us are commited to it. I just can't believe that she'd be lying to me like this when she tells me that she's sorry and ashamed and embarrassed by her actions. That she got scared and realizes what a grave mistake she almost made and that she learned from it and it only made her love for me stronger. That it truly made her realize what she has here and that the grass really isn't any greener elsewhere.
    Don't any of you believe that there is any chance of success? Can't someone 'wake up' and realize what a fool they had been? She's only 26, maybe this experience accelerated her entrance to maturity. Don't you think that it's possible that she may have taken our life together for granted, but after exploring and looking around for the alternative life, that maybe it just made her realize what she really has?
    I don't know, i'm probably just reaching here, and i'm still not completely certain that i'll be able to forgive her for this. I'm trying the best I know how. After my kids leave, I may just want to be alone. I'm still not completely decided what direction I want to take this in, but I don't want to be hasty. I'll try to be patient and hopefully sooner than later, it'll come to me as to what I should do for my own benefit.
    Thanks again to all of you.

     
    Old 03-24-2005, 03:29 PM   #42
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Its Wierd to know that someone has as much hope as I do..... I have been with my borfriend for almost 3 years, we were engaged for 6 montha and I found out that he was cheating on me... I was so heart broken so I left him....after a couple of months seperated we decidied to try to work things out. Things were going well untill O had found out that he was still being with this girl, I forgave him again...... Months have gone by and things were going wonderful, we were starting to regain trust we moved in together and were talking about marriage..... I just found out that he still talks to this girl but he says that "they are just friends" I dont belive him at all, but for some reason I just keep forgiving him, I know what is best for me but Ikeep holding on to the "what if" what if this is suppose to happen? what if were meant to be together and I just let him go? Then what? I am so confussed..... Im in a numb state right now. I know I love him but is Love really all we need?
    I have hope and Faith that things will work themselfs out...for you.... it may not seem like theres light at the end of the tunnel now...but it does get better...doesnt it?

     
    Old 03-24-2005, 04:04 PM   #43
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    [QUOTE=MonicaMM] I know I love him but is Love really all we need?
    QUOTE]
    Hi Monica, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're trying to endure.
    I honestly think there's a lot more to a relationship than love. Like my Dad says, "Love doesn't pay the bills".
    Love, trust, companionship, trust, friendship, trust... oh, did I mention trust? That's where we're at. I've never tried to "regain" someone's trust to this extent before. I don't know if it is possible. I have my doubts, but I also hold out some hope which explains the situation i'm in right now.
    You know, when my ex wife cheated on me, I kept trying to work things out with her with the hope that she would become that woman that I married. After many excruciating months, I finally realized that the woman I fell in love with and married had died... she was replaced with someone else whom I didn't know, or like much, for that matter. Once I mourned, and came to terms with that, it made it easier to 'move on'.
    With my current GF, i'm not so sure that she's passed on yet. I think she's wounded, but not dead. I'm praying that she'll heal and come back to me and adore me the way she once did. The last 10 days or so, have gone magnificently well. I really do believe that she wants to be with me. I thank God that I found out about this, because even if she broke it off with him before I found out like she claims to have done, she's faced at least some sort of consequences for her actions, and if she truly does want us to work out, hopefully she'll realize that a little added excitement in her life isn't worth jeaporadizing(sp?) what we've worked so hard to build together.
    That being said: The Communion's in 2 days, we'll see how she behaves. It's official, my son is leaving Monday... driving down with his stepdad and his kids. My daughter's leaving early Wednesday Some tough days are very near for me.

    Monica, if you don't mind me giving you my opinion... this other girl has to be completely out of the picture if there's any hope of you regaining trust in this man. He knows that and i'm sure you know that as well. If you have the strength to muster giving him an ultimatum sounds like it might set him right, but I would demand, in the name of his future wife!!!! That if he wants to be with you forever, then he must stop this nonsense. I know it's hard, almost impossible to be firm at times, but he has got to stop. It really is ridiculous that he expects you to put up with this nonsense. I wish you the best of luck, and if there is anyway at all that I can give you support, please don't hesitate to ask... ok?

    Last edited by edved2001; 03-24-2005 at 04:08 PM.

     
    Old 03-25-2005, 08:45 AM   #44
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    ed...still keeping up on your story. I hope all goes well for you on Sunday, and that you have a good holiday and enjoy your kids. I'm so sorry to hear about the sadness you'll be experiencing along with it, with them leaving, but they will always be your kids and they will always love you and be in your life. You'll be fine. Just sending some support your way....
    Dee

     
    Old 03-25-2005, 09:43 AM   #45
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Thanks Sugar64,
    I appreciate all the support and advice you've given me. Thank you.

     
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