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    Old 03-29-2005, 06:28 PM   #46
    SophiaM
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    And Realguy, yes, what you say is true, and I think goes without saying. But I get the feeling you think I go out on a date and immediately start off with "boy I sure do miss my ex. He was so great and cute, not at all like you, I wish I were with him right now instead of you!" Eh, no. I've said before I never even mention my ex at all unless they ask about my past relationships, and then I keep it brief, concise and without detail. I keep it positive, and smile as much as possible without looking goofy or insane!
    Nini, I believe you. You might be the sweetest, most polite and courtious person, and you will still meet people who aren't going to appreciate it. You know, those guys have issues too, many of them a lot more major issues than yours. Your issue of being somewhat stuck on the ex pales in comparison to some of these people's issues. My friend knows this guy who is 47, never married, and has been doing the online dating for YEARS! He met some nice, elligible women too, but he rejects them all for really trivial reasons, all the while claiming he wants to get married and have children. He just has such a severe phobia of commitment that I don't believe he can ever change. I met him once briefly--he's an average guy, short, slightly balding, nothing really special about him that I could see. Apparently, he was interested in dating me! That was the best joke I've ever heard. And I bet you, if I did agree to date him, he would find a reason to dump me too, I'm convinced. So, don't feel bad if some bozo doesn't seem interested. It might have nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with them. Remember, we just need ONE guy who is right for us, that is one for you and one for me, respectively

     
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    Old 03-29-2005, 06:41 PM   #47
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    A person doesn"t have to say anything. It"s a general persona one gives over a period of time.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 06:48 PM   #48
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by realguy
    A person doesn"t have to say anything. It"s a general persona one gives over a period of time.
    Well, then I'm at a loss. I do my best to pretend I'm not wrecked, but the simple truth is, I am, and will be until I find someone to help heal my heart. All I can do is my best, and hope that if my sadness does show through a little, that the right guy will see all my good qualities and find me appealing enough to get past the sadness. That's the only hope I have. If I have to get rid of all the sadness and loneliness totally before I can get anyone to look at me, I'm done for. But so far, I don't really feel like I've missed anything. I haven't met anyone yet that made me say "gosh, I sure wish that had worked out. Maybe I was too sad for him."

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 03-29-2005 at 07:02 PM.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:24 PM   #49
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Oh, I don't know what I was saying anyways. I haven't slept for 2 days now and I know that post I made just would not come out the way I was trying to put it!!

    Anyway, I really don't think my view is anymore unrealistic than it is to believe some guy is just one day gonna meet you, be head over heels in love, instant chemistry, go to the end of the earth to be with you.

    I don't know, I don't believe in that. I don't think it can ever really happen that way. Love is something that forms and grows thru time by getting to know someone, not just an instant spark and we're off into the future. I guess that's just not how love works to me.

    I know I'm taking it all outta concept. I'm so confused. I just know all the mistakes I made with him were when I let others cloud my view, and let them convince me that love doesn't matter. I really think had I trusted my own feelings, trusted that maybe I was reading him the right way, not let others persuade me otherwise, everything would never have gone so wrong.

    And Realguy, I'm sorry. I know it's frustrating to you. I know you explained it all before and I don't know, I'm still working on it, ok.
    Some days I can see it, some days I can't.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:32 PM   #50
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Well, Lisa, maybe it's not "instant chemistry" or "love at first sight" per se, but I believe the guy has to feel you're really special to even have that incentive to pursue you. Otherwise he wouldn't bother. There are SO many other women available just around the corner. I think women have it harder than men because there are just not enough decent men who are interested in a real relationship for every fabulous woman out there. Maybe I'm biased, but in my city, there seems to be so many gorgeous, educated, successful young women and not nearly as many guys who can even compare, so everyone wants the limited pool of guys. It's madness, seriously.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:42 PM   #51
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Lisa, why haven't you slept, if I may ask?

    As far as how love works, I really think it works differently for everyone. Some people think you have to search for love the same way you search for a job, that you have to be really aggressive and get out there and look for it, keep yourself in good, strong emotional shape, and with hard work, lots of effort and approaching it very analytically you will find someone you can live with and who can live with you. Others believe it's a miracle that hits you, others believe it's somewhere inbetween. Our own Goody met her hubby by working on her own self esteem and then going through tons of personals and making a strong effort to work things out with who became her husband. Others, like for example, John Travolta and his wife, Kelly Preston, it just kind of happens. She said when she was 15, she knew who he was because he was famoun of course, but she wasn't really a fan of his or anything, but went with her family to see Grease, and saw the cardboard cut out of him in the lobby and just had a flash that came out of nowhere that she would marry him. She thought it was silly so she dismissed it. Then 10 or 12 years later, she was in a bad marriage that looked like it was ending when she signed on to do a movie called The Experts, and her co-star was guess who? John Travolta. They met and he was instantly attracted to her, even though she was going through all this trauma, and they really clicked and he told her he would like to see her when she got things settled. I think it was about a year later they were in the same town or hotel or something, and he went to her hotel room and asked her what her situation was, and she was divorced, and they started dating, and the rest is history. I think there are about as many ways to find love as there are couples. I guess the best thing you can do is to be as open to it as possible. But I sure sympathize with you lisa. I know what it's like to feel like you had your shot with the one you were really supposed to be with and blew it. I'm there, too. All I can do is just pray I'm wrong and keep hope alive as best I can. Hang in there.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 03-29-2005 at 07:45 PM.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:51 PM   #52
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Well, Lisa, maybe it's not "instant chemistry" or "love at first sight" per se, but I believe the guy has to feel you're really special to even have that incentive to pursue you. Otherwise he wouldn't bother. There are SO many other women available just around the corner. I think women have it harder than men because there are just not enough decent men who are interested in a real relationship for every fabulous woman out there. Maybe I'm biased, but in my city, there seems to be so many gorgeous, educated, successful young women and not nearly as many guys who can even compare, so everyone wants the limited pool of guys. It's madness, seriously.
    No, Sophia, you are NOT biased - or else I am too, because I feel the exact same way. So many great single women are just wasting away while guys I wouldn't even call "barely adequate" have no problem finding women. And so many women put up with the worst behavior just to keep those awful men - because being alone is almost like a death sentence. (Well, at least that's how it feels sometimes, doesn't it?)

    This is so depressing.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:56 PM   #53
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Nini, that's true, there are as many ways of working it out as there are couples. For example, a friend of mine searched like crazy for years before she met her husband but my sister did absolutely nothing. Nada. She met the guy by a complete fluke and he proposed a few months later. You just never know what will work for you. Currently, after trying it both the "by chance" way and through concentrated effort to meet someone, I don't know if I have any more options left. I just have to assume the "timing" is wrong, or that some dark forces are woking against me LOL. It really is all unpredictable, that's all I've learned so far. Some of the women I know who I don't think are any more deserving than I am, are married or in a good relationship, and for some mysterious reason, that happiness is just eluding me. I don't know why. I believe the same is true of you. Sometimes there's just no concrete reason. Maybe like you said, the reward that's waiting for us somewhere down the road is far greater than we could ever imagine? I truly hope that's the case!

    Last edited by SophiaM; 03-29-2005 at 08:00 PM.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:57 PM   #54
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    Our own Goody met her hubby by working on her own self esteem and then going through tons of personals and making a strong effort to work things out with who became her husband.
    Did Goody hear her name mentioned??? Sorry I haven't shown up here lately girls...I have been peeking in but see that you guys are holding your own. My brother was brought into the ER today~he lives out of state and Goody is worried & my daughter has Strep. My back is improving as a matter of fact it was pain free on Easter....a little achy today but pretty much back to normal.

    Anyway...just wanted to tell you girls that you're the best and each and every one of you are going to be just fine. If the online dating doesn't work we'll find something else...but the support here is wonderful and it must be comforting to know that until Mr. Right comes along, we have an awful lot of friends here to keep us going Just wanted to say a quick hi and thank you for remembering me......Goody

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 08:08 PM   #55
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Goody, I am sending you my best back-soothing vibes available Thank you so much for thinking and supporting all of us.

    Crimson, I know, sometimes it really DOES feel depressing. Maybe we are from the same city?? LOL. Seriously, my sister was an honor student and very bright but the guy she married doesn't have any degree and is not the most ambitious, just between us. I probably wouldn't have married him, to be completely honest. But see, because the distribution is so uneven, I sometimes wonder if I should just "settle" for someone who is not totally my "dream man" but is promising in other ways? You know, when I look at the choices some of my friends make, I wonder if I'm being too picky I think I could compromise on looks but not on intelligence. I truly can't have any respect for a guy who I would consider intellectually not on the same level as I. Same goes for cheapness. I cannot compromise on that. I had bad experiencess in the past.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 08:10 PM   #56
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Nini, that's true, there are as many ways of working it out as there are couples. For example, a friend of mine searched like crazy for years before she met her husband but my sister did absolutely nothing. Nada. She met the guy by a complete fluke and he proposed a few months later. You just never know what will work for you. Currently, after trying it both the "by chance" way and through concentrated effort to meet someone, I don't know if I have any more options left. I just have to assume the "timing" is wrong, or that some dark forces are woking against me LOL. It really is all unpredictable, that's all I've learned so far. Some of the women I know who I don't think are any more deserving than I am, are married or in a good relationship, and for some mysterious reason, that happiness is just eluding me. I don't know why. I believe the same is true of you. Sometimes there's just no concrete reason. Maybe like you said, the reward that's waiting for us somewhere down the road is far greater than we could ever imagine? I truly hope that's the case!

    I sure hope so. We don't have a crystal ball, so what else can we do but be the best person we know how to be and hope for the best? I just wish I hadn't gotten so heavy. I wish I could lose about 20 pounds. I'd feel a lot better about still being on the market. But it's soooo hard!

    Goody, your ears were buring, huh??!! Sounds like you have a full plate right now. So glad your back's doing better, but sorry to hear about your daughter and really sorry to hear about your brother. Throwing good thoughts and a little prayer your way for them.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 08:12 PM   #57
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    But how can a guy feel you're 'really special' when he doesn't even know you.
    Maybe I'm just too generous, because I take very little out of a first impression. I don't think they're very accurate, as most people don't act like their 'true' selves when you first meet them.

    I've know quite a few people I didn't like when I met them and ending up liking them After getting to know them.
    And as I understand it, not too many people start to like me until they get to know me.

    So how can you 'read' a person that you don't even know.
    I know that's the big problem with dating, most people put so much belief into that first impression and normally you don't get the opportunity to stick around and learn otherwise.
    I guess that's where my problem with 'hanging on to things' stems from. I just believe that thru more and more time, the problems or reservations can be worked thru.
    I guess it does make it hard when I'm the only one looking at it this way - and the guys are long gone away.


    I'm officially outta work and think I have too much in my head to fall alseep. I've laid down a million times, but it just won't come. I'm just waiting for everything to crumble down. And I want to blame it all on him. I know it's my own doing, but you know how the thoughts compound sometimes. I left my last job last yr to move away after it ended. I thought I was making a positive change, but maybe I was running from the feelings.
    Anyway the move didn't work, and since I've returned its been temp work and right now I'm even out of that.
    I never thought I'd have a problem finding work, as I never have in the past. What a mess, and sometimes I want to blame him for ruining my whole life, but I know it's my fault. Makes me feel all my choices were so wrong, like I have no clue how to read life, let alone men!

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 08:35 PM   #58
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Maybe "blame" is too harsh a word, lisa. I'm sure you both made mistakes in the relationship, and you did the best you could managing your life afterward under the circumstances. I know it's hard. I'm also faced with having to look for another job. We've all been laid off permanently and slapping a smile on my face and going on interviews when it's absolutely the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is cry, and it gets worse every day. I have to listen to a lot of music at work, and I hear my ex in every single song, and I go home and just cry my heart out. But just take a breath. Baby steps. Make a plan for tomorrow, what are you going to do to take steps to get closer to your goal of finding a job tomorrow and how can you prepare yourself for it? I suggest going to a nutritian store like a Vitamin cottage or a GNC and find a lavender balm, it's like a lavender scented balm in a little cannister that you can rub on your neck, forehead, lips, and such, and it will help you relax enough to get some sleep and for now, you can tackle tomorrow when it gets here. Tomorrow's another day, as corny as it may sound, and a new chance to make new choices that will be better for you.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 08:58 PM   #59
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lisa24

    So how can you 'read' a person that you don't even know.
    I know that's the big problem with dating, most people put so much belief into that first impression and normally you don't get the opportunity to stick around and learn otherwise.

    Makes me feel all my choices were so wrong, like I have no clue how to read life, let alone men!

    To know how to read someone I think it was said before, trust your gut. Most of the time we walk around looking for the right answers and it was there all of the time. Sometimes we do make the wrong choices because we are running from things or wanting something to work so badly. But if you trust your gut and listen to what is deep inside of you and it will get you back on track.

    You are right in saying that people aren't who we think they are when we first meet them, but once again, take the time to listen and trust your gut to tell you if they are genuine or not.

    I hope things get better for you

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 05:38 AM   #60
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    Re: Is there some trick to reading men??

    I can’t say either that I have figured out men, even though I have had my share of relationships and the fact that I live with a male….

    OK, I did learn some things while growing up with two brothers…

    One of my brothers told me….
    Men wake up and think they are Arnold Swarznegger
    Woman wake up and think they are Roseanne Barr

    Another thing this brother told me was he could go out to a bar and of course the first thing he would notice of a female is her appearance but if she could not hold a conversation he would move on…He said YES, looks are what attracts guys but Intelligence, good character, and a self assured woman but who is not full of herself is what keeps a man interested.
    ( i tooked note to that comment)

    My other brother who was a chick magnet, used to come home after being out with his buddies and kept a CHART on his bedroom closet of woman he either scored with or gave him their phone numbers. Some he called and some he didn’t, it was a game to him to see how many phone numbers he and his friends could score…

    Now I am raising a man – my son who is 16 1/2…..AND I can tell you for SURE male brains are so different then female brains…OMG, just hearing him talk to his friends or snooping on his IM’s About girls – Yeah, I’m trying to raise him the best I can to respect woman and treat them well and also not to be taken advantage of….If a girl calls him on his cell and I ask…who was that, he’ll name her and say awww, she loves me so much, she’s hot for me….and I’m like Oh really are you two dating?
    And his answer is no – we just talk but she wants me….. Like I said I’m “trying” real hard to teach him how to treat girls – but these males along with their friends influence learn at a young age know how to play woman, we also can’t put all them blame on them as I have seen girls make themselves available to these games…I am NO WAY speaking FOR ALL MALES or FEMALES, just another observation from having brothers and raising a son….

    I have to note in a VERY joking manner not to offend anyone ....maybe I should have had my son at the age of 10, raised him, seen through him how or why man do the things they do and I could have saved MYSELF from a lot of heartache in my relationships….Some guys really do want to just hang with their friends, guys really do want to sit on the couch and chill out and not talk, “some” guys really do think they are legends in their own minds…Please take this last paragraph
    With humor it is not meant to **** anyone off…… :cool

     
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