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    Old 03-25-2005, 11:49 AM   #46
    lisa24
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Hi Ed, I also hope that the weekend goes well for you and your relationship. And with the kids.
    Good Luck.

     
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    Old 03-25-2005, 09:57 PM   #47
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Ed,

    Wow! I just read all of the posts you have here. I am sorry to hear the trouble you have been having and I do understand. Lots of us have been through similar situations. I really do hope things work out for the best for you. Here is what your situation sounds like to me:

    You really DON'T want to be alone again!

    You really want her to love you like she should, but you know you cannot make her.

    You understand that you cannot fix her, she has to fix herself.

    You want to be treated with respect and honesty.

    I don't see anything wrong with any of that and do not consider you to be a weak person. That all sounds like reasonable things to me.

    Now here is a question that I think you should consider.

    Can/will you trust her unconditionally once this is all over? (Love is about trust and it cannot work well without it).

    I really hope things work out for the best for you. That may mean with her and it may mean without her. You are a good man and I believe good things do come to good people....your reward is coming. Unfortunately bad things happen to good people too.

    Your confusion is caused from wanting to believe her so badly because you don't want to be alone especially with your kids moving so far away. And you are also confused because you cannot understand why when you have given your best to someone you love, and she hasn't given you her best consistantly and takes you on the rollercoaster ride of distrust which you don't deserve. You have bore your soul to her and trusted that she could never hurt you in the way she did, and now she has made you doubt her. You want to believe the best because you are a good guy. Confusion at this point is understandable.

    Keep these things in mind as I change the subject just a bit. You found her a good job, and will not be leaving her son in a bad way if this doesn't work out. She sounds very smart and should be able to figure a way to find a decent place to live since she is earning good money now, instead of moving in with her great aunt. You are taking on too many of "her" problems if this doesn't work out. You have lost something that is really important in all of this......YOU! Take a moment and examine your heart. What will truly make you happy forever?? To be with her the rest of your life? To be with someone you truly trust and the feelings are reciprocated the rest of your life?

    We are here to support you, but in the end you have to decide if you are willing to go through what is necessary to make this relationship work and to realize that you will be the one do most of the work to keep it going. And to also realize that no matter what you do, things may still fall apart in the end. Obviously you are a considerate, thoughtful person who has the desire to make others happy, secure and feel loved. Will you be getting that in return? Are you willing to settle for less than you are giving? Once again, you are the only one who can answer that question.

    (In one of your posts you said you told her that you are too old to be going through this. I certainly hope you don't think that you are too old to find a worthy partner should you one day choose to walk away one day.)

    Lastly, I would like to address the issue of loneliness. There are 2 main types of loneliness that fit here; #1) being phyically alone, without a lover or significant other #2) is being alone (on the inside) because your significant other doesn't respect your feelings, heart, longings, etc. in a right way and puts their desires first even if they hurt you in the deepest way possible. I have lived through both kinds of loneliness so I am speaking from experience. For me, #1 is easiest for me to live with. What about you? You have to decide. (P.S. I really do believe good things will happen to good people so I believe that #1 is temporary and easier to get through and #2 is a jail sentence).

    The bottom line is that we are all here for you and whatever you decide is best for you is your choice. One thing I do know is that if you stay, forget about the past and press on toward the future. If you stay with her let it go and quit torturing yourself. If you cannot quit torturing yourself then maybe you should both at the very least take a break and part ways until you can both figure out what you really want.

    I hope the first communion is a wonderful day for you all.

    Best wishes!
    Sunny

    P.S. sorry this is so long

    Last edited by SunnySmiles2u; 03-25-2005 at 09:58 PM.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 04:30 PM   #48
    edved2001
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Wow Sunny!! Great reply. Thanks for that.

    Well, I haven't been around much lately, been very busy. Here's an update for anyone who's interested.

    My daughters First Communion was wonderful. She looked like an absolute angel and made me very proud. My GF was great too. I was really nervous at first because when we first arrived at the church, I could tell that she just didn't want to be there. The Priest asked me if i'd like to accompany my daughter and her mother(my X) and bring the communion "gifts" down the aisle to the alter. I was worried but decided if my GF gets angry about it, shame on her and too bad. Well, she just said "Do what you gotta do." Afterwards, my ex inlaws wanted a couple photos of my daughter with her parents. Once again, I was worried about how the GF would react, but she didn't even mention it.
    At first the "luncheon" celebration was a bit tense. Everyone relaxed after a while and were very cordial. My GF even talked to my ex for a little while . All in all, it went great. My GF even says that it was very nice and she had a good time. I know my daughter enjoyed herself and that's the most important thing. I'm a proud papa.

    Unfortunately, Monday my son left to Florida. Daughter flew down there this morning, but she's coming back in a week to have her tonsills removed. When she recovers, she'll be leaving permanently as well. I'm hanging in there though. Honestly, I don't think it's really "hit" me yet.

    Now for my relationship. Well, my Gf's still trying really hard. She tells me she loves me about a dozen times daily. Text messages me constantly from work telling me how much she misses me. She's being very sweet and open and concerned, etc. I'm still having a really tough time with trust. Even though she's trying so hard, i'm feeling so insecure. In my relationship and with myself. I still am no where near trusting her the way I need to trust her. For example, last night she says she got home at 1am and into bed at around 1:30am. I didn't hear her come to bed and immediately after I awoke, I started wondering if she was being honest... If she went out for drinks... etc. It's driving me looney. I used to be so insecure and self conscious. A while after my divorce, I regained my confidence and that carried on into this relationship. Now, i'm back where I was... and I hate it. She called me last night on one of her breaks, and I hear her talking to some guy in the background, my gut immediately tightens and I get to feeling very low. When I got home from work yesterday, she gets a text message on her cell phone. It was right next to me so I say, "Can I look at it". She says ok and it's her buddy(the one that ratted her out to me). The message reads "Got us some cold beer for lunch". I say, "Oh, since you can't go out after work now, you're gonna drink at lunch!?" She says that it was for her friend and she didn't even want to drink during work . Once again, I immediately sink so low. She keeps reassuring me that she's not gonna drink. Even calls me at lunch to reassure me.

    I feel like i'm never gonna get over this. I don't know how long I can wait to see if I regain my trust for her. I don't know how long she can wait for me to regain my trust for her. Surely if I keep suspecting the worse, she'll get tired of trying to justify her every action. I hate this, but I love what we have. When we're together, everything is so amazing... it's all I want. It's when we're apart that's really difficult for me.
    Has anyone out there actually lost there trust for someone and regained it? If so, please let me know it's possible. I'm friends with this married couple. He cheated on his wife 5 years ago and she found out. She still doesn't trust him. I don't want to be like that 5 years from now. I don't want to be like this 6 months from now. How can I get over this? Can I? Once again, sorry it's so long.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 04:56 PM   #49
    lisa24
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    I think it can be done, but it's all in YOUR OWN willpower.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 05:00 PM   #50
    edved2001
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Haha, always there for me Lisa, thank you. Sugar64?

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 08:21 PM   #51
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Ed I am glad the communion went well. That is great!

    Lisa is right, it can be done with your own willpower. I did it with my ex and stayed with him for a long time afterwards. (For me though I found that he betrayed me in other ways such as emotionally, controlling, lying about other things, etc. and that is why he is my ex). And FYI, he never did cheat on me again. I think trusting that he wouldn't also helped our relationship.

    But to answer your question, yes it can be done if you really want to put the past behind (and if you want love to work, you have to). You have already considered the risks I am sure, so do what your heart tells you to do. I am a very optimistic about things and if you really want to let it go, then do it and see what happens. What do you have to loose? You aren't interested in anyone else right now and as long as you are being true to yourself and the things you want, go for it.

    Best wishes for you Ed!

    Sunny

    Last edited by SunnySmiles2u; 03-30-2005 at 08:25 PM.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 09:12 PM   #52
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    ...............

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-16-2005 at 02:29 PM.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 11:41 PM   #53
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    ......................

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-16-2005 at 02:30 PM.

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 02:25 PM   #54
    SunnySmiles2u
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Princess is mentioning some of the risks involved. I briefly mentioned the risks in my situation. Bottom line is it is up to you. There is nothing in this life without a cost.

    Once again, best wishes on your decision.

    Keep us posted.

    Sunny

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 02:27 PM   #55
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    To Princess,

    How are things going? Are you hanging in there okay?

    Sunny

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 11:32 AM   #56
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Well.......... I feel that there is no way to totally trust someone once that trust was broken. You will always have that wondering in your mind. If someone can lie so easily the first time what makes you think they cant do it again? Trust is one of those things where you do or you dont...you cant kind-of trust someone, its not possible.

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 10:19 PM   #57
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    .............

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-16-2005 at 02:31 PM.

     
    Old 04-02-2005, 10:14 PM   #58
    edved2001
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MonicaMM
    Well.......... I feel that there is no way to totally trust someone once that trust was broken. You will always have that wondering in your mind. If someone can lie so easily the first time what makes you think they cant do it again? Trust is one of those things where you do or you dont...you cant kind-of trust someone, its not possible.
    MonicaMM,
    Unfortunately, I think you're probably right. I feel so much distrust right now. Tonight she told me that "I've been smothering her". I knew this was going to happen... I just knew it. Since her LIES! I've been critical of her every move. Feeling insecure as all hell. I feel like I need constant reassurance of her love and her feelings for me. She said after it happened that she would do everything in her power, for the rest of her life... if that's what it takes, to regain my trust. Now, I'm getting tired of not trusting her, and she's getting tired of ME not trusting her.
    I want this to work so bad, but I don't know how long I can do this. I'm turning into the untrusting, jealous, insecure person that I never thought i'd be. I know she's trying, but so am I and I don't honestly know if i'm going to be able to conquer this insecurity.
    Thanks to everyone for their input. I'll keep you updated =^(

    Last edited by edved2001; 04-02-2005 at 10:15 PM.

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 07:19 AM   #59
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Well Ed, you know what that all means then. Niether of you will be able to go on like that when you are feeling that way. It is not healthy for either of you living in a relationship that cannot have trust in it. It will be sad for you both when you decide to break up, but you will both have some amount of peace of mind knowing you did what was right and that you will be able to eventually move on.

    You are not to blame though, you certainly tried when most would have walked away immediately. Like I told you about my situation, even though I finally trusted him, it didn't work out in the end anyway. We had 2 completely different views on relationships and other things that I did not realize until much later. It sounds like you both have different views as well and that you are both trying to fit into the ideas that the other has. But let's face it, we live what is in our hearts, not someone else's even when we try. Try not to blame yourself about all of this. At least she and her son will be able to make it financially thanks to you. I really don't believe that getting her the job was the problem, I think that these actions were already in her character and would have come out sooner or later even if she never had started working there.

    Ed, you sound like a good guy. There really are women out there that are trustworthy and I think you will meet one some day when this is all over.

    Best wishes for happiness to you.

    Sunny

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 04:28 PM   #60
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    Re: Can this be salvaged? (long) I ache...

    Ed, I'm just catching up on the latest in your story. I'm glad the communion went well, and that it was a special day for you and the kids, and also that everything went well with your GF. However, I have to agree with the other posters about the issue you're still having with the trust factor. I know it takes a very long time for it to come back, and sometimes it never does. It seems like you're still struggling so much with it, and I was sorry to hear that. I can say that once something like this happens, it's very, very difficult to get back what you once had, and have total trust in your significant other again. It really can take years in some cases. Not all relationships die after a betrayal, but you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that it might happen. For example, one of my closest friends found out three years ago that her husband had an affair. They had some issues in their marriage beforehand, but she decided to forgive him and go to marriage counseling, and make it work. It seemed like they were getting back on track, but there were always things that seemed to spark a memory or feeling of mistrust for her after that. He, in turn was always tortured about his past misdeed, and she grew more and more unhappy again. They're still together, but I don't know whether they're going to stay together. It seems unlikely. I guess it just depends on how strong the relationship is to begin with, and whether or not it can withstand a betrayal, of any sort. And it depends on you, and how long you feel you need to give yourself before you decide that you want to end it or not. I hope you continue to keep us posted. Take care...
    Dee

     
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