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  • PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

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    Old 03-31-2005, 11:01 PM   #31
    Snails
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    yes we were intimate during he weekend... I know it's my fault I let it happen! I know I should have said no to that but it was so hard to be next to him the whole weekend... we were behaving with each other as if we were still a couple.. he was behaving with me exactly the same when he was still my boyfriend! He was so affectionate with me.. holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me,... it was not any different! That's why now I am sad because there is silence between us! I am not sure it would be really benefitial for him to be "friends with benefits" with me because we are in a long-distance relationship so we don't get to see each other often! It's just worrying me if now he decided not to talk to me.. and to disappear? but he was telling me so many nice things this weekend.. and he was so kind and caring! I miss him so much!
    Lovingyou, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but I agree 100% with everything Nini has said in her last few posts. No one is trying to kill your hopes to be mean or anything, it's just that many people here have gone through similar experiences and want to share the lessons they've learned so that others can avoid some of their mistakes (that unfortunately resulted in their learning these lessons the hard way). Please try to take a step back and see this situation objectively, as if it was unfolding between two people you barely know rather than between you and a man you love very much. I think it's pretty clear that he's pulling away from you and not interested in the sort of relationship you seem to want with him. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change the way someone feels or make them want something they don't want on their own. No matter how much you love him, how hard you're willing to work to make him happy, and how much you want to be with him, there's really nothing you can do if he doesn't want the same things. I wish there were some tips and tricks we could share that would make this guy love you and be with you the way you want him to, but if we could do that, we wouldn't have much left to write about here! There's very little logic involved in love and emotions, which is why you can't convince or manipulate someone into feeling something that just isn't there. It's certainly not your fault that he's not willing or wanting to commit to a serious relationship with you--please don't beat yourself up for doing something wrong. It won't help to dwell on the past and blame yourself when really there's no one to blame; it's just unfortunate that you two want different things from each other right now. Just because he was acting loving and affectionate does not mean that he wants to be like that all the time with you--he made it pretty clear that all he wants for the time being was to spend a nice weekend with you. Both men and women are capable of being affectionate and physical with people they don't love, even if their actions suggest otherwise. This is why the best way to deal with a breakup is almost always to cut off all contact, at least until the person who is hurting most is able to heal and move on. If he isn't willing to give you what you want and need from him (and what you deserve from any man!), then my advice is to preserve your dignity and protect yourself from further hurt by respecting his desire for time and space alone.

    He's made it clear that he's not at all sure if he wants to be in a serious relationship with you, and since there's nothing you can do to change his mind, the best thing to do is focus on yourself and what's best for your well-being. You can't count on him to come back and make everything okay...if that doesn't happen, you'll just be unhappily waiting and hoping forever! You deserve better, and besides, there's nothing more appealing than independence and confidence. If you can find the strength to let go of him, stop clinging to hope and accept that what happens ultimately is out of your hands, you can devote your energy to living your own life and pursuing your own interests. Trust me, your guy will find you a lot more appealing if you're living a full and contented life on your own than if you're moping around waiting for him and constantly bugging him--neediness and dependence are two of the unsexiest qualities ever! I don't mean to be too blunt or harsh here, but your current approach isn't getting you anywhere, just keeping you dwelling on your sadness and loneliness and preventing you from getting on with your independent life and interests. Try to keep busy and pursue your goals...the only person you can rely on completely is yourself, so why not use this time to get closer to being the kind of person, with the kind of life, that you've always wanted to be? That way you'll be better off and more fulfilled with your life no matter what happens with this guy...and he'll be a big idiot not to take notice of what a prize he'd be losing if he doesn't want you . I know it's hard, I'm going through a tough time myself having lost my best friend, roommate & constant companion, and someone I love deeply all in one person...nothing is ever guaranteed in love and all you can control is your actions and outlook. It's a lot more fun (not to mention attractive to other people) if you're active and optimistic rather than depressed and clingy. Good luck and take care--if you hang in there, the pain will lessen gradually over time.

     
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    Old 04-01-2005, 07:25 AM   #32
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    Cool Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I have to agree with Nini and Snails.

    I was wondering if you had a sexual relationship with him while he was here, because you were so emotionally attached to him. I thought this probably did happen.

    My ex did this to me also, wanted to be friends and have sex still. I kept letting it happen, but got to the point where I couldn't take feeling "down" anymore. I got angry and then finally stopped contacting him. A month went by and out of no where he called me. It was late at night too. I wonder what he wanted...HMMMMM

    Bottom line is I didn't give in and even though my heart was racing that he called me and I still LOVED HIM, I KNEW he didn't love me and I didn't let the convo go on longer then 3 minutes. I ended it and asked him not to contact me again. I told him I had a new boyfriend (even though I didn't, but soon after met a wonderful man and now I'm happily married!!) and he left me alone. It felt good for me and as time passed I got over him.

    May I suggest you go to counseling? I tribute me getting over my ex to my therapist who helped me SO MUCH.

    I truly think you are only hurting yourself if you go on like this. You can't afford to be friends with someone that is no longer emotionally attached to you. He doesn't have those feelings that you have.

    Friendships are special, and they don't make you sad, love is not suppose to hurt, and I don't think in either case you are happy, so I think you really should assess this and move on.

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 11:53 AM   #33
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Lovingyou, just wondering how your week went and how you're feeling about things? Are you doing ok? I'd like to hear from you. I know we gave you a lot to think about, and was wondering what you were feeling about all of it.

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 03:06 PM   #34
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Hi everyone!

    Thanks so much for all your opinions and your support! I appreciate it so much!!

    It's been really hard since he has gone back home after we spent such a nice weekend together! I miss him and I think about him quite a lot actually! I feel pain inside me but I am trying to be strong about it.. It's so hard though! I met my friends on Friday evening and they took me to a bar and we had a nice chat... we haven't seen each other for a long time so there was a lot to catch up on! On Saturday they took me for an afternoon trip and we spent a nice afternoon by the beach talking, relaxing and enjoying the sun! I must say that they managed to occupy my mind but there were times I felt really sad and I kept checking my cell phone.. I thought maybe he will send me a text message.. I thought maybe he will be worried why I haven't replied to his email.. well, I haven't received any message! Does it mean that he does not care anymore? How could it happen after such a nice weekend we spent together! On Saturday evening I met another friend of mine and she took me clubbing! I must say it's really hard to be on your own again.. being single again..It felt strange! When I saw a couple kissing or hugging I had to go away! I couldn't look at them! I was so sad inside... I was imagining he might be kissing someone else.. I was thinking about him.. I was sad that we are not anymore together! My friend tried quite hard to support me.. we were drinking and then we went on a dance floor.. I haven't been dancing like this for a long time so it was quite strange and at first I was really protective of myself! I wouldn't let anyone come closer to me or even look at me.. but slowly I felt I was dancing and enjoying myself.. but I would not let a guy talk to me! I want to be on my own and I don't want any guy to come up to me. Anyway the types of guys we saw last night were not really the guys I go for so that was another reason why I was so in my own world! When we were walking home my friend mentioned to me that it must be really hard for me now.. well, it is actually! I miss him terribly! I missed him so much last night! I came back and now I am at home feeling bad because i haven't replied to his email! I worry he is going to forget me now and think that I don't care, I am moving on so he won't contact me again!

    You know I am so sad thinking about the situation and I just cannot understand how could he move on so easily! How could he be so close, affectionate, sweet with me last weekend and then he left home and he is single again! He has only sent me that one email after such a weeekend! It's making me sad that he doesn't seem to wonder why am I not replying! It's making me sad that he doesn't call to ask if everything is ok..

    I received an email from HIM on Friday afternoon! the email says:

    How are u? what are u doing? are u ready for your new job on monday?
    i look forward for the weekend....

    xxx

    I didn't have the opportunity to reply to him on Friday because I decided to go away for the weekend to visit some very good friends of mine! I want to send him an email back but I am not sure what to say! would you have an advice for me please?? I worry he won't contact me again because I didn't reply to him straight away!!

    I still love him and I still hope! When we were out with my friends I couldn't see anyone else! It's like he is the picture of my mind!

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 04:04 PM   #35
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I'm afraid you seem to be missing the point of most of the advice you've been given. We tried to explain how it's possible that he doesn't care very much even though you thought you guys spent a romantic, happy weekend together, but you still seem to be having trouble accepting that this guy doesn't want the same things you do. Rather than projecting your feelings onto him and worrying that he'll get the wrong idea and assume you aren't interested, why not try to be as independent and confident as possible so that he might actually have time to miss you and want him back? If you do want to rekindle your relationship, I would be concerned about the opposite things you are worried about...I'd want to keep as much distance as possible rather than worrying about that you're not being clingy and needy enough.
    Unfortunately, you should also remember that just because you feel a certain way and want a certain kind of relationship with him does not mean he feels and wants the same things. From everything you've said so far, it sounds like he wants to stay in touch so that he can have occasional casual flings with you but has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be committed to you in any kind of serious relationship. Maybe I am misunderstanding and drawing the wrong conclusions, and for your sake I hope that's the case.

    I know you are lonely and sad without him, but the best thing for you is to try to move on and find happiness on your own so that your contentment is not dependent on him. It's never a good thing when you aren't independently happy with your life and need to rely on someone else to be happy, because you just don't have any control over what other people think and do. I hope everything works out for the best, but if I was you, I would try to prepare myself to be okay either way because it really doesn't sound like your guy feels the same way you do about your relationship. Just because you miss him and want him back unfortunately doesn't make that true for him, so please try to focus on yourself and what's best for you rather than worrying and wondering so much about him (as what he wants and does is totally out of your control). Missing him and being sad that he's gone won't make him want more than he does already or come back to you, it will only make you miserable. Please don't let someone else control whether or not you are happy--this is a very difficult and sad way to live. The only thing you can control now is how you react, and that's why I hope you are able to find the strength to be happy on your own and enjoy your independence no matter what happens with this particular guy. The world is full of guys, but the only person you can control and count on is yourself, so it's always best to depend only on yourself for happiness and fulfillment in life. Good luck and best wishes...I hope things get easier and look up for you soon.

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 04:20 PM   #36
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I do follow your advice and your suggestions! I do take them seriously and I try to be as strong as possible! It helps me to understand the situation better!

    My heart is beating fast!!

    He has just sent me a text message! He said: how are you? how was your weekend? i wish you good luck for your new job tomorrow! xxx

    I still haven't replied to his email and now I don't know what to reply to his text? I am scared about it all.... it's a strange feeling! I miss him! I am quite surprised he hasn't said anything about the fact that I haven't replied to his email

    What should I say back to him? I am so worried about doing the wrong thing! We are not from the same country.. why would he only want occassional flings with me?

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 04:57 PM   #37
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    I do follow your advice and your suggestions! I do take them seriously and I try to be as strong as possible! It helps me to understand the situation better!

    My heart is beating fast!!

    He has just sent me a text message! He said: how are you? how was your weekend? i wish you good luck for your new job tomorrow! xxx

    I still haven't replied to his email and now I don't know what to reply to his text? I am scared about it all.... it's a strange feeling! I miss him! I am quite surprised he hasn't said anything about the fact that I haven't replied to his email

    What should I say back to him? I am so worried about doing the wrong thing! We are not from the same country.. why would he only want occassional flings with me?
    LY, I think he only wants casual flings with you because men like sex. A lot. Many times they care more about getting sex than they care about what their actions are doing to your heart or your spirit. He knows you'll sleep with him, like you did last weekend, and he knows you're there to sleep with if he gets horny and needs sex and a little company, and he can leave again and go about his business, because he's told you he's not your boyfriend anymore. And he's told you if you cry or get sad when he takes off after he's gotten what he wants, then he'll break off contact all together because he "doesnt' want to make you sad." Which I think is emotional blackmail if you ask me. He knows you still love him. He knows you still want to be with him, so he's holding it over your head, saying "hey, I just want to have sex then go. Give that to me or you're out of my life completely." I really think if you thought as highly of yourself as you should, you'd tell him to have a nice life, see you in the funny papers, and delete his email addy and text addresses and move on. I know you miss him. I know you want him back. I get it. Boy do I ever get it. I've been there. But trust me, most times it's a dead end road. He'll come in, be sweet to you, sleep with you, then disappear again, until he falls in love with another woman. I sure wouldn't want to be around to see that if I were stil in love with him, would you? Are you prepared for the day he emails you or texts you telling you he's met someone special? You're still inventing reasons to contact him, you're still strategizing trying to figure out the best way to play this so he'll come back. You really need to break off all contact with him, but you're scared to because then you feel you'll never get back with him, and you still picture yourself with him one day. But how many great love stories have you heard of when the guy breaks up with the girl, moves on, but she hangs on around him like a puppy dog until he grudgingly comes back? Not many I bet. That's not how it works. It's possible he may change his mind one day, but the thing is, you can't MAKE him change his mind, and that's too fragile a thing to pin any real hopes on. You say you're still holding out hope. That's the first thing you need to stop doing. You need to accept that at least for now, he's not your boyfriend anymore, and he doesn't want to be. He said so. You'll keep feeling sad as long as you keep asking "how could he be so nice and not want to be with me, how could he be so romantic, sleep with me, then act like we're not together anymore" you could waste years of your life asking those questions or you can accept the situation as it is now and start healing yourself. If you feel you must text him back, a simple "hi! My weekend was great, went to the beach with friends, hoping job will be great too. Thanks. See you." will do. That's the level that he wants the relationship to be on. You can't make him want more. The best thing you can do now is focus on your own life, your friends, which you are extremely lucky to have, imagine going through this without them, and focus on your job and your life. Concentrate on putting him on the back burner.

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 04:57 PM   #38
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I'm sorry if it came across that I was saying you are ignoring the advice provided...that's not what I meant to say at all. I think everyone just wants you to end up happy and make whatever choices are best for you. If you follow your instincts and try to act in your own objective best interest, I'm sure everything will work out well in the long run. Usually everything happens for a reason and ends up working out for the best eventually...I hope that is also the case for you, regardless of what happens with this guy. I wouldn't worry too much about doing the wrong thing, just keep in mind that he may be wanting something very different from you than what you want from him. Take care and good luck!

    PS--I still agree completely with everything Nini says. I know it's not what you want to hear, but she's been through a similar situation and is just trying to help you avoid some of the hurt and pain she suffered as a result. We're all hoping that you are able to find the strength to be happy and content with yourself independent of what this guy, or any guy, feels about you and wants from you. The only way to be happy is to be happy on your own, happy with yourself as an individual, not to have your happiness dependent on someone else, for then it will always be unstable, undependable, and unreliable. No one is rooting against you or hoping things don't work out, we're just trying to help you see this situation as a more objective observer views it rather than someone emotionally involved like yourself, whose hope may make your perception rather unrealistic, interprets what's going on here.

    Last edited by Snails; 04-03-2005 at 05:02 PM.

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 05:06 PM   #39
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    If I were you, I would keep it short and simple. Tell him something like "Hi, I am sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to your email. The weekend was great, thanks. I have to run now, but thanks for thinking of me. Bye for now, ..." You want to make it sound like you are doing just fine, are busy and having fun. This way you are not being rude or mean to him...it just shows him that you are getting on with your life.
    I recently broke up with my bf too, and I also have a hard time understanding how they can be one way one moment and so cold and distant the next. I think that once a guy makes his mind up about something, he usually sticks to it for a good period of time. About 3 days before we split up (I initiated it but only because it was obviously what he wanted) he was here with me, wanting to be intimate and sweet too. 3 days later he told me that "we don't have that relationship anymore" when I went to hold him. It is so hard, I know. In my case, my ex says he just wants some time and space, and he is supposedly going to call me once a week and work on our friendship and not have to do with anyone else, but I know not to believe it till I see it. You want to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst so you won't be quite as devastated if it does happen. I wrote my ex a nice letter the other day telling him that I understood his need for freedom right now, and that I was really happy for the good times we have had together, that I am always here for him no matter what happens in the future. That way I can be evasive and unavailable sometimes without worrying that he thinks I am mad at him or something. It is good for the guy to know that you are moving on, because no one wants to be with someone who is desperate to be with them, even if we are lol! Guys like sweet, loving girls, but they also like woman who stand up for themselves and represent a bit of a challenge. Believe me, I know this advice is sometimes hard to follow. Anyway, I wish you luck and hope it gets easier for you soon.

     
    Old 04-03-2005, 08:32 PM   #40
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Snails
    PS--I still agree completely with everything Nini says. I know it's not what you want to hear, but she's been through a similar situation and is just trying to help you avoid some of the hurt and pain she suffered as a result.
    Absolutely. I'm sorry if I sound harsh too, I really don't mean to be. It's just that, like I said, ive' been in a similar situation, and the third time he dumped me I knew it was for good so I broke off all contact (well, after a couple of Glenn Close-like voice mails and notes in his mailbox, which I don't really recommend) and I didmy best to move on, but I took my time, was picky about the guys I saw and in the back of my mind, I always thought we'd get back together. I really truly believed he'd never find anyone who would love him or understand him as much as I did or who would have so many things in common with as me, and I entertained all kinds of fantasies of how we'd grow up, learn our lessons, then meet again and it'd be just like that Celine Dion song "If I forgive you all this and you forgive me all that, we forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me" and our eyes would meet, the music would swell, we'd realize we were meant for each other and run into each other's arms and live happily ever after. Ok, my fantasies weren't that cornbally, but you get the drift. Anyway, it was because I held out that hope and didn't completely let go that caused so much pain when I walked into a club I used to frequent to see his band play. I went to see another band I really like. I walked in the door, and the first thing I saw was him sitting all comfy cozy in a booth with the woman who he later made his wife. The pain I live in everyday now is beyond description and at this point I really doubt I'll ever recover, or feel anywhere near normal ever again. I beg you, please don't let it get to this point for you. Don't hang onto hopes and dreams of the two of you ending up together until you actually see him with his new woman. Believe me, it's not pretty at all. I'm not saying it's impossible that you two will end up together someday, I'm just saying don't pin your hopes on it. Don't wait around for it and plan your life around it. Very VERY dangerous to do that. For now, you must accept the situation as it is now and move on with your life, and do it as soon as possible. don't contact him or see him until you're sure you can deal with being his friend and knowing he's with another woman or other women and you can be ok with it.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 04-03-2005 at 08:35 PM.

     
    Old 04-04-2005, 03:19 AM   #41
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Nini, while I am still just so sorry for you to be going through such intense and prolonged sadness and loneliness, I am really impressed at how you have been able to transform the lessons you learned into wisdom to help other women in similar situations. I think that really shows a lot of bravery, honestly, and insight. Nini, any person who can, as you have, help people avoid making the same painful and costly mistakes they have made is definitely a wise and noble person, in my view. Please, anyone who is in a similar situation as Nini was--with a guy who was clearly trying to distance himself from her (even though Nini's love for him made her see things through rose-colored glasses to some degree), please read and think about Nini's story. You can't ever control what a man, or anyone else for that matter, feels about or wants from you...the only thing within your control is your reaction. So why do so many women let men stomp all over their self-esteem while the men are trying to detach themselves from relationships? I really believe that every woman should have the self-respect and self-esteem to refuse to ever consider reconciling with a man who let her go once (and especially if he let her down TWICE!).

    If you can walk away from a relationship with your dignity intact, I think you can come out the happier and more satisfied person even if you didn't initiate the breakup. You can control your outlook in addition to your attitude...and there is nothing more likely to result in happiness and fulfillment than a conviction and air of confidence that positive outcomes WILL happen to you. You really have to believe in yourself--at least about one significant thing--to succeed in whatever it is you want to do...I think to a large degree that self-actualization and visualization stuff has merit if you relate to it, but not everyone does because everyone has encountered a unique and varied set of life experiences. Anyway, I have gone on enough here...I just feel like too many people take the attitude that despite the conventional wisdom passed down by more experienced, well-meaning older people, THEIR particular relationship will be the exception to the rule (that is far more commonly proven true than they want to acknowledge). Most cliches about relationships exist for a reason, but still, everyone believes they will be the one exception who lives together happily ever after...then two years later can't wait to get divorced . People today, even teenagers! are encouraged to get married ASAP...but I just don't think it's wise for teenagers and college students to make a lifetime commitment when they still have so much growing and maturing to do.

    Loving you--and anyone in a similar situation, I think the best thing to do is to try and take a step back to view your relationship as realistically, practically, and objectively as possible. Are you at an age when people are mature enough to sustain unselfish, taxing, and difficult partnerships? Can you two handle the normal stresses and tensions of everyday living, not to mention unexpected stressors like accidents, illness, employment setbacks, financial problems, signficant disagreements between partners on issues like children and religion, etc? All I know is I've always thought my relationships were pretty solid and certainly stable enough to last a lifetime...right up until they started to fall apart . All I've really learned so far is that the only person you can count on 100% to be there for you is yourself, and then some blood or other close relatives. Being in a long-distance relationship definitely contributes a significant degree of tension and stress and can exacerbate other relationship problems. Generally speaking, if you're doing something because it's the easiest, safest, simplest thing, even though your heart is protesting, you're probably making a mistake (the converse is also generally true). But some people's hearts lead them astray and can convince them that what they want and hope to see (rather than what is actually right there in front of them) is happening in real life. I just hate to see that happen when the person in question deserves, and could possibly, enjoy an easier and quicker path toward moving on and healing...

     
    Old 04-04-2005, 09:58 AM   #42
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Thank you for your advice and your support! I guess I come here to ask and to talk about it because it helps me to be stronger.. it prevents me from making a mistake like calling him and begging him or whatever else I could be doing instead of coming here and venting and talking about it! I am so sorry Nini to hear what you had to witness and experience! I know it's so painful! I appreciate you shared your story with me and you are I guess trying to protect me from the worst!

    I have just come back from my first day at my new job and I opened my email account and there was an email from him! He says "hope everything is ok! why are u not answering my email??
    good luck for today!"

    xxx

    I still haven't had the chance to reply to his email from Friday and to his text message! I guess I wasn't really sure what to say but I guess as someone suggested to me already I should keep it brief, friendly and cheerful! I miss him though that's my true feeling! I feel bad for not replying to him though! I think I should say sorry but I feel afraid that once I reply and say I am sorry and so on.. he will have the power back! At the moment he seems to be worrying why I am not replying to him! Do you think he is missing me? or he is only worrying?

    loving you

    PS Snails you are very right that young people are not aware what it takes to keep a healthy and a stable relationship going... but I guess we all have to learn from our mistakes and from the hurt to be better and better in the future and prepared for the real relationship! I appreciate though your opinion! It's very good and wise!

     
    Old 04-04-2005, 11:58 AM   #43
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    I am so sorry Nini to hear what you had to witness and experience! I know it's so painful! I appreciate you shared your story with me and you are I guess trying to protect me from the worst!
    Thank you, and yes, that's all I'm trying to do. It is the absolute worst to see someone you still love so much with someone else and know they love that other person like they never loved you. I wouldn't wish this pain on my absolute worst enemy. If I can point out the pitfalls and help you not experience it as well, then I've done a good thing in this life.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    I miss him though that's my true feeling! I feel bad for not replying to him though! I think I should say sorry but I feel afraid that once I reply and say I am sorry and so on.. he will have the power back! At the moment he seems to be worrying why I am not replying to him! Do you think he is missing me? or he is only worrying?
    We can't read his mind. All we know of him is what he tells you, and he's told you he's not your boyfriend anymore. I'm sure a little part of him misses you because I'm sure you're a great girl, very sweet and kind. But does that mean he wants you back? Well, I think men are pretty simple. They aren't as complicated as we like to make them out to be. If he wanted you back, he'd say so. Remember, it's not about who has the power or how to play this right. It's about accepting the situation as it is and planning your life accordingly. He might be missing you, he might be worrying you hate him, he might just be worrying you won't be the convenient fall-back cushion the next time he's a little lonely and horny. Who knows? Who cares? All you need to know is he's not your boyfriend anymore. Like it says in that book that I swear by, He's Just Not That Into You, and listen carefully lovingyou, the only reason he CAN miss you is because he's CHOOSING every day not to be with you.

    Stay strong. I think you can reply to his email or text or whatever so long as you keep it light and cheery. No need to tell him you miss him. Believe me, he knows. I think he's counting on it. What he doesn't know, what you need to show him, and yourself, is how well you can do without him.

     
    Old 04-04-2005, 03:39 PM   #44
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I knew once I reply to him something is going to go wrong! I am feeling down and upset! I sent him an email back about an hour ago and I said:

    im sorry I wasn't able to answer earlier..I have had a lot on my mind recently and I was away for the whole weekend and didn't get back till late last night! thank you for your messages! It's very nice of you to think about me and wish me good luck for today! I spent my weekend with friends of mine! went to the beach and to pubs and a night club.. it was such a nice and warm weekend!

    My first day at work was quite good! It was just an introductory day and I met some of my new colleagues. I hope you are well and had a good weekend too!

    What I said in the email was honest and what I would write to a friend of mine... I know that you suggested that I should not apologise but I did because he sent me 3 messages so I felt a little bad because we normally reply to each other within a very short time..

    anyway, he replied like 30 minutes later and said the following:

    are u not ok? u say u have a lot on your mind, what is it? Is it because of us?

    I'm happy u could enjoy the weekend with friends it seems u had much fun.

    i spent a good weekend enjoying the sun. my previous housemate (the mongolian
    girl was here) with her boyfriend were here, so i showed them my city.

    are u sure u were happy i sent u an email and a text message? i expected u
    could answer me but maybe i was wrong...

    good night

    xxx

    What does he mean? What does his last sentence mean? He sounds angry and disappointed that I didn't answer to his messages ealier! But I did send him an email and I did say I was sorry! He sounds worried that I have a lot on my mind because of us.. well it's not only because of us.. yes partly but I have been thinkig about my new job and other things.. do you think he is not going to write to me again? I feel that he won't send me a message again! I feel that I ruined everything because I didn't answer to his messages! I am so sad
    What should I reply to him? But I am honestly happy he sent me the messages! I missed him and I honestly meant it that it was nice of him to think of me..What should I say back? I am so scared now! He sounds upset with me! I don't want to loose him! I still miss him so much and I still love him so much!I am in tears!!!! I have signed on msn because a friend of mine asked me to have a chat and he was signed on! I thought he would not be anymore because it's late at night! He said hi and then he asked me to his email.. he then said that if i prefer he will not contact me because I don't answer to him! I said I honestly couldn't asnwer earlier but he seemed tense and upset! He then said he is sorry and he tried to make a conversation and he asked me what is on my mind and I said nothing because I felt so upset that he was blaming me like this.. He said that he said he is sorry and he then said for god sake I apologised to you and you still keep going on! I said I am sad he doesn't trust me when I said that I am happy to receive his emails and I couldn't honestly answer.. he said "I said sorry for god's sake! What other language should I use so you can understand me"! I started to cry and he said "so how was today!" and I said "ok" and he said "that's all!? ok well you don't want to talk to me so Im going to bed! Bye!" I didn't say anything and he said "are you there? I said good night!" I said "good night" and I signed off but while I was signing off he said something else but I didn't receive it so I signed on again because I knew he was upset and he was still online but when I signed on back again he signed off! I cannot believe he was with me like he was! He said he won't send me messages anymore because I don't answer to them! I said to him that he seems a little tense with me again! He said that I don't understand him that once he says he is sorry I should just be ok and carry on with our conversation but i was upset to carry on as normal! I feel bad now that I didn't reply straight away! I think this is the END! I think now he won't talk to me ever again and he won't contact me ever again!! Why was he with me like this tonight? i didn't mean to annoy him but he was annoyed a lot with me! He didn't seem to be there for me today as he had promised he would be there! I am so sad Do you think I should send him an email to apologise? Do you think I was wrong? i mean I couldn't keep it cheery tonight with him because he was so tense! Do you think he expects me to react and send an email to him? Do you think I should be keeping in touch with him more often? do you think he will not talk to me again now? I feel so bad now! Please help!

     
    Old 04-05-2005, 10:23 AM   #45
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I was strong and I didn't send him a message or an email after yesterday's conversation that went so wrong! He has just sent me an email that says:

    hope u're ok today and work is going well! I'm sorry about yesterday, i told u
    many times yesterday I'm sorry so u shouldnt have got so upset. I thought u
    didnt want to reply to me so i was worried. BUt after u told me the reason, i
    trusted u but u kept on doubting. But i tell u u shouldnt. I trust u! so dont
    get so offended please.

    Have a good day and sorry again!


    So I guess I was the guilty one! Do you think I should reply back? I feel afraid that if I don't.. he won't talk to me ever again or he will not send me another message ever again!

     
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