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  • Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

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    Old 04-05-2005, 03:31 PM   #1
    Dulcisima
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    Question Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    I am 37, recently divorced after an 18 year marriage, and have been seeing my boyfriend who is 38 and has been divorced for about 5 years from his wife of only 2 years, for the last 2 months.

    I really like him and have not only told him so, but I have also shown him through intimacy and buying him gifts. Nothing fancy...just small stuff. He has called me every single night for the past 2 months but he rarely arranges dates for us, it seems like I am always the one asking to see him and I am the one arranging things. When we are intimate he treats me wonderfully. He makes me feel loved and cared for. But I am also the one who always has to initiate intimacy too. I have sent him many e-mails and have written him letters addressing these issues (I feel more comfortable writing about these things than talking about them), but he RARELY responds to any e-mails I send. I don't care how much emotion I pour into them. He will acknowledge their receipt but then he won't address any issue I brought up.

    Is this guy just lazy and I'm making it easy for him to stay that way? Or is this a sign that I may be moving a little faster in the emotions department than he is? He has told me that he wants to date only me. He has told me how much he cares for me a time or two. But his actions (or lack thereof) don't match what he's saying. I am exasperated over here!! I want a serious relationship with this guy but he keeps sending me so many mixed signals that I don't know what to do! If he's not that into me then why does he call me every night without fail? HELP!

    Last edited by Dulcisima; 04-05-2005 at 03:33 PM. Reason: Spelling error

     
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    Old 04-05-2005, 03:44 PM   #2
    Music4All
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    It is ALWAYS safer, though maybe more difficult, to focus on behaviors and not on what you can only imagine and rationalize. Most of the time, these confusions many women write about are self induced. The thing on the surface is often not really confusing, but to accept what it looks like would require accepting a thing not wanted. So it is easier to wrangle over why is this guy or women so confusing.

    My suggestion always is to look to behaviors to determine intent. They rarely lie. Words are pretty meaningless as it is these that are sources of confusion and manipulation.

     
    Old 04-05-2005, 03:58 PM   #3
    Dulcisima
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    I definitely think you're correct about the difference between behaviors and words. I guess what I would like to know is what is driving the behavior. Is he afraid of getting hurt? Am I moving too fast and he doesn't know how to tell me? I guess I could speculate all day! Do you think it's too soon for me to start having serious discussions about his intentions with him?

     
    Old 04-05-2005, 04:59 PM   #4
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dulcisima
    I definitely think you're correct about the difference between behaviors and words. I guess what I would like to know is what is driving the behavior. Is he afraid of getting hurt? Am I moving too fast and he doesn't know how to tell me? I guess I could speculate all day! Do you think it's too soon for me to start having serious discussions about his intentions with him?
    I don't think it is ever too soon to discuss seriously the intentions of a person you have decided to be intimate with. That said, I am suspect of what I am told by a person that does not exhibit what I consider to be reasonable behaviors. Even after a serious discussion, you are still left with two things: observable behaviors and whatever words he decided to express in his discussion.

    Be cautious that you are not looking for a rationalization you can be comfortable with to justify the behaviors you are not happy with.

    Last edited by Music4All; 04-05-2005 at 05:00 PM.

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 01:49 AM   #5
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    Hey girl, seeing as you were so kind to drop by on my thread, I thought I'd have a go on yours.

    You are right, we can all speculate all we want... he is the only one with the answers. I would try discussing things with him face to face. Maybe not his "intentions", but just casually ask how he feels about you, or bring up an issue playfully... like how come he doesn't initiate intimacy - aren't you attractive to him, or something like that? Either that, or just stop doing it yourself. Maybe you are making it too easy. If he sees that you won't always do things for him, he will either get his act together and learn not to just sit back for the ride, or he will go without. Although some of us are determined to do whatever we can for our partner to make them happy, sometimes we do too much and it gets taken advantage of... because it's all too easy for them. And sometimes when we do too much at the beginning of the relationship it becomes just "expected", if you know what I mean. Maybe you could also try leading him to the water (eg "so when are you taking us out next" or "when are we catching up?" - that type of thing) and then see if he will drink (eg. make the plans himself and arrange dates etc). Sort of encourage him to start initiating things with a bit of indirect coercing from you.

    Honestly, my gut feeling from what you've written is that he probably does like you very much. He may just be a bit backward in coming forward, or may not know how to communicate it to you. Like I'd know anyway... men confuse the hell out of me...

    I hope I made sense here. I know what I was trying to say but I don't know if the words came out right...
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    Last edited by StormGirl; 04-06-2005 at 01:51 AM.

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 05:07 AM   #6
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    Back off a little, heck, a lot. Let him come to you. If he pursues, you'll know he wants you and he'll discover what his lack of communication is doing to the relationship. If he doesn't pursue, you'll know you were a convenience and he doesn't care enough to work to keep you. Better to know now then after you've wasted a year or two. Sounds harsh, and it will be a hard and scary to do, but you are doing too much of the work in this relationship and he knows that he's got you 100%. He doesn't need to change and won't, unless you give him a reason.
    Evy

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 12:29 PM   #7
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    Back off a little, heck, a lot. Let him come to you. If he pursues, you'll know he wants you and he'll discover what his lack of communication is doing to the relationship. If he doesn't pursue, you'll know you were a convenience and he doesn't care enough to work to keep you. Better to know now then after you've wasted a year or two. Sounds harsh, and it will be a hard and scary to do, but you are doing too much of the work in this relationship and he knows that he's got you 100%. He doesn't need to change and won't, unless you give him a reason.
    Evy
    I'm leaning toward this. You're doing all the work in the relationship. I'd say don't contact him. Wait for him to contact you next. How long it takes for him to call you or email you will tell you just how much you're on his mind.

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 04:54 PM   #8
    Dulcisima
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    Thank you so much...you guys are absolutely right. I have decided that if he doesn't arrange a date for us then he just won't see me, and if he doesn't initiate intimacy then he will do without. It's time for him to do some pursuing. Just like you said Evy38, better to find out now if he's not that interested than to find out after a year are two have been wasted.

     
    Old 04-07-2005, 11:24 AM   #9
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    His intentions are to keep his options open while at the same time NOT making any firm commitment.

    You didn't need me or anyone else to tell you that, right?

    You've been dating for two months and you're sending emails that are perhaps passionate, intense -- and contain "issues" you wish him to address?

    Not cool.

    These are things best discussed in person. Email leaves the option available, as you well know by now, to NOT respond in great detail.

    Yet it is even too soon to be discussing "issues" in person.

    You should be ENJOYING a "get to know you" phase of your relationship right now. You shouldn't be focusing on intent so deeply.

    Relax with all of this. Try to have some fun. Let him arrange meetings and dates between the two of you -- at least a few, and at least the NEXT few. If he does not -- you have your answer: he's not interested. If he does -- go out and have a good time.

    Only problem -- you've already spilled your guts to him, so to speak, with those emails. He might be a bit nervous now. Tone things down in person -- be casual and friendly and fun. Don't get into heavy-duty serious discussions about the emails or your more deeper feelings at this point. Let that all evolve naturally.

     
    Old 04-07-2005, 06:15 PM   #10
    RedandRed
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    I agree. Also, you may want to buy the book "He's Just Not That Into You." If you don't feel that this guy is making enough effort, you should trust your gut. You deserve someone who is absolutely devoted to you, ga-ga nuts over you, and who will climb mountains and cross oceans for you. Does this sound like your guy? If not, believe me, you deserve better. My wish for you is that you find the guy who will cherish you as you deserve.

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 07:46 AM   #11
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    "If he's not that into me then why does he call me every night without fail? HELP!"

    Sorry, but Maybe easy sex & no strings is why he is into you.

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 01:30 PM   #12
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    Re: Can't figure out new boyfriend's intentions...

    I agree with a lot of the advice, especially Evy's and ScruffyGuy's. Two months is pretty early to be taking things so seriously--it sounds to me like you're trying to force this relationship to move along faster than it would if left to unfold and develop naturally on its own. Why not sit back a little and not worry so much about where it's going? You can never really know where a relationship 's going anyway, no matter how many reassurances you get from your partner, and thinking too much about the future can cause a relationship to burn out or face problems that wouldn't exist if both people just relaxed and let things develop in their own time. I would also back off quite a bit...it sounds like your aggressive and intense attitude might be scaring him off a bit. It's a better strategy to be more laid back, keep some mystery there and maintain some independence from him, and let him do some of the pursuing for a change. I've seen a lot of people, particularly women, ruin otherwise promising relationships by coming on too strong, worrying too much about problems that aren't really there or that were self-created, and/or trying to force things to move along too quickly. I would advise you to just take a step back, slow things down, and try to trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen. Your best chance of having things work out with this guy is to both assume fairly equal responsibility for keeping the relationship moving along and thriving. Good luck!

     
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