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  • What do you think of my relation?

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    Old 04-20-2005, 06:40 PM   #16
    lisa24
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Well, I think in this case, the words AMEN NINI can't be said enough times, so I'm going to say it again - AMEN, NINI!!!


    And if I may say in regards to your 'nobody else will put up with me' and 'he puts up with me when I don't act my age' - the fact is, at 14 there is no 'acting your age'. I don't know about the other girls here, but am quite certain it would be within the same time frame, but 14 was a very curcial age for me. It was the exact age where I began going thru the biggest changes in regards to who I was. It was when I encountered many new feelings/thoughts that had never been there before. 14 is right in the middle of being pulled away from childhood and into adulthood at the same time, there simply is no acting a certain way at this time, in my opinion.

    I would think even most 14 yr olds would agree that they have not developed into the person they will become at this age. So how can you say no one else will put up with you when you haven't fully deveopled into you, yet?

     
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    Old 04-20-2005, 11:49 PM   #17
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ichigoraion
    [COLOR=DarkOrchid]he has become quite jealous when i talk to other guys...my bf doesn't want me to, he says I need to learn to be by myself...He has gotten mad because I haven't done what he wants me to do sex wise...I can tell him no about something because I'm nervous & he begs until I finally cave in or he makes me cooperate. He is very possesive of me lately also, he tells me to do something & expects me to obey & I do because I don't want to disappoint or lose him. He has started being a bit mean, I'll hold his hand then he'll squeeze it really hard & twist my wrist or arm. I'll just be playing with him then he'll start poking me in the stomach a bit hard, hit my hand & today my nose. I asked him why hes been mean lately & he says it a test to see how much I can stand him doing to me & if i stay.

    He is the only guy that could ever put up with me...he can say that he's leaving me & I'll hold on to him arm because I fear he really is going to & he tells me that he's not & that I need to quit over reacting about it but I can't seem to.
    I completely agree with all the responses you've gotten so far, especially Nini's. Please step back a minute and consider why your family, friends, and a group of strangers are all giving you the exact same advice...we're not all involved in some conspiracy to keep you away from a wonderful man who treats you like a queen; we're just concerned about your well-being. Despite all his good qualities and sweet behavior, many of your BF's actions are either abusive or classic warning signs of abuse (like jealousy, expecting you to obey him and do everything he says and wants from you, manipulating your emotions by threatening to leave, "testing" you by hurting you physically or verbally, etc.). Men who abuse or manipulate women in ANY way are deeply insecure. They fear that the woman they are with is much too good for them, and so they work on systematically wearing away her self-esteem until she believes that no other man would want her and therefore won't leave. I'm not saying these thoughts are always conscious, but a man who is secure deep down and values himself will not feel the need to abuse and control his girlfriend. A lot of times insecure and abusive men go after women they identify as vulnerable (because of low self-esteem, inexperience/youth, unstable financial/family/living situations, etc.) because they will be easier to control and manipulate. When he's "testing" you, your boyfriend is feeling insecure and wanting to reassure himself that you'll stay with him no matter how badly he behaves. And of course, the worse he treats you, the poorer the treatment you'll come to think you deserve (especially since this is your first serious relationship and you have no one to compare him to), and the worse treatment you'll therefore be willing to accept.

    This is why abusive relationships always follow a very similar pattern: at first the guy is charming, sweet, and overwhelms the woman with his loving devotion. Then he begins to get possessive, jealous, and controlling--telling you who you can hang out with, being suspicious of your male friends, basically wanting to control you because his insecurities are telling him that if he doesn't, you'll realize that deserve better, just as he fears, and leave. Eventually, this escalates into emotional and often physical and/or sexual abuse as well...while you aren't at that stage yet (though I would argue that his sexual manipulation and coercion, in addition to his having sex with someone your age at all, amounts to rape) that doesn't mean that you're involved in a healthy relationship. There are numerous red flags in his recent behavior, and just because he isn't always like that or hasn't been like that from the start doesn't mean that his inappropriate actions toward you won't escalate, as they almost inevitably do with guys who behave toward women like your BF does toward you. If anything, the fact that his possessiveness and meanness to you has developed so recently is alarming and suggests that his behavior could escalate quickly into serious abuse. Again, I'm really sorry to say this and sorry that you're in this situation, but everyone is really just concerned for you because of the warning signs your BF has demonstrated and wants to make sure you realize what's going on (and what could happen in the future) before you get even more deeply involved with him and put yourself at even greater risk for abuse.

    I remember what it was like to be a teenager and in love--it feels like no one could possibly understand how strongly you feel or see how wonderful and unique your relationship is. Everything that happens with your first love feels magical and indescribably wonderful, because it's all new and exciting. That can also be dangerous though, as your lack of experience can cause you to overlook disturbing behavior that would immediately alarm an older woman. As you gain more life experience, you'll see that your feelings aren't always the best indicator of what's really going on and don't always steer you toward what's in your best interest. At this point, you lack enough experience with relationships and love to be able to evaluate your relationship objectively in comparison with what a healthy relationship should be: no boyfriend should ever be mean, possessive, controlling, tell you what you can and can't do, or feel the need to test the strength of your love and commitment to him. Unfortunately, men who mistreat women generally target women who don't have enough positive experiences with healthy relationships to recognize the red flags before a guy's bad behavior escalates into actual abuse...

    Please, please consider what we're saying very carefully, because we only want to look out for you and make sure you don't have painful lessons about love the hard way rather than benefit from the wise advice of women who have experienced unhealthy and/or abusive relationships. Because you love him, naturally and understandably you want to see only good in him and focus on his sweet behavior. The red flags he's demonstrating don't disturb or scare you yet because everything you're experiencing with him is brand new for you. Also, hopefully you don't have the experience with domestic abuse to recognize the pattern that abusive relationships tend to follow as the abuse escalates. But trust us, please: getting angry if you aren't interested in performing certain sexual acts with him, begging until you give in, forcing you to go along with what he wants, or making you feel guilty for not going along with everything he wants sexually is completely unacceptable and quite disturbing. It's bad enough that he's having sex with a 14 year old former virgin who is legally unable to consent (by the way, you seem to be under the impression that because you went along with it, you guys "were on the safe side" when you had sex, but that makes no difference--it's still statutory rape and he still would go to jail if caught), but to coerce and manipulate you into sexual acts you don't really want to do is abhorrent. You are not his property to control and obey, and the fact that he coerces you into doing things you don't want out of fear of losing him is a clear-cut example of emotional (not to mention sexual) abuse.

    Please understand that even the most cruel and abusive men are sometimes incredibly sweet; it's part of the cycle of abuse that traps both partners. None of the sweet things your boyfriend does excuse or make up for his abusive behavior, no matter what you do. He's already manipulated you into believing that he wouldn't need to ever be mean if you didn't force him into it by somehow provoking him. That's just completely untrue! It makes me angry at him and sad for you that he's managed to get you thinking that no other guy would put up with you--that's crazy, you're only 14 and clearly a wonderful girl; this is far from your only chance at love! Your BF's behavior is scarily typical of abusive men: he's sweet enough to make you love him and want to stay, but otherwise he's completely manipulative and controlling. His insecurity and fear that you'll leave has prompted him to twist everything around and make you worry that he'll leave you if you don't accept and go along with everything he wants. That's controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Threatening to leave so you'll beg him to stay and live in fear of losing him by somehow displeasing him, telling you where you can go and who you can hang out with, coercing you into having sex when you don't really want to--these are all classic early signs of abuse, and unfortunately, they almost always escalate into more and more severe physical abuse unless the woman finds the strength to leave. I truly hope that for your own emotional and physical well-being, you take the advice of caring people with enough life experience to see your situation objectively and end the relationship before his behavior escalates any further. I would hate to see such a sweet young girl be forever altered by an early experience with a manipulative abuser...this could not only affect your current state of mind and safety, but permanently affect your future decisions about men and relationships if your first real experience with love is tarnished by abuse. Sweetie, you deserve a man who treats you like an angel, gently and sweetly, without manipulating or controlling you in any way. Please listen to what everyone is telling you and trust that we all only have your best interests at heart. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out wonderfully for you...

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 03:21 AM   #18
    realguy
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Stay away from him..Tell others how he treated you. Work on your self-esteem.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 02:54 PM   #19
    Ichigoraion
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    I found out why he was hitting me & being mean, he said it was his way of trying to have me not learn the reason why he broke up with me today. He had done that to try & make me leave on my own so I wouldn't be hurt by the real reason he told me today

    He broke up with me today, I still love him to death & I don't think I'll be able to get over him because hes so special. He did it because he had gone to an exes on sunday & he had held & hugged her (his friend kyle had been wanting him to get rid of me & back to her) & he knows what he did was wrong & he's shocked I still love him after that. We won't be getting back together unfortuantly because he doesn't want to but he's told me that the time with me wasn't a waste & he's sorry for what he did. I will miss everything I used to do with him such as kissing & holding hands ; - ; I'll be depressed for quite a while -curls up- Sad thing is though tomorrow would have been out 5 month anniversary. I'm just hoping I will have a chance to get him back in later years because I just don't want to let go

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 06:11 PM   #20
    here4support
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    Red face Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ichigoraion
    I found out why he was hitting me & being mean, he said it was his way of trying to have me not learn the reason why he broke up with me today. He had done that to try & make me leave on my own so I wouldn't be hurt by the real reason he told me today
    Please tell me you are kidding me???? This was the LAMEST reason anyone has ever given someone for physically abusing him. I think you need help, especially to think that if he wanted you back you would go w/him. He is sick in the head and I really think you should get some professional help and work on building your self esteem back up.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 06:22 PM   #21
    realguy
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Your making excuses for him. When he punches another girl in the face, you will realize that.
    Friendship and love isn"t about "testings" one"s tolerance to pain or control. I think you may be on a self-destructive path in the future.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 07:30 PM   #22
    Ichigoraion
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    I'm not making excuses for him, I am quite depressed now since he broke up with me today, the sad thing is he's now with his ex again & currently at her house, I've been crying so much today

     
    Old 04-23-2005, 01:58 AM   #23
    Ninispjc
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ichigoraion
    I'm not making excuses for him, I am quite depressed now since he broke up with me today, the sad thing is he's now with his ex again & currently at her house, I've been crying so much today
    I know you're hurting, even though it doesn't make any sense to anyone else why you would hurt over a guy who would be so cowardly and cruel, but no one ever said love makes sense.

    I went through a similar thing, When my ex decided he didn't want to be with me anymore he became very verbally abusive in order to chase me off because he didn't have the guts to dump me. Most people would think I'm insane for still loving him, but I do. Not sure I would take him back if I had the chance to, though, and I know for sure I would never go back to the way things were. Life's too short to put up with being treated so badly. I had a good friend who's husband had a mistress and decided he wanted to be with her instead of my friend so he became verbally and physically abusive in order to chase her off. She left the house and the kids because she didn't want to take them away from their home or their school, friends, etc., but she had to leave to save herself. He took the house, the kids, the car that worked, and moved his mistress in and my friend was left with nothing.

    Believe me, these feelings of love you still have for this guy, as biologically natural they may be, I hope soon you will see that from a logical standpoint, you're soooo much better off without him. You're so young, don't sell yourself short. You've still got a lot to learn, and a lot to experience, including other loves, guys who will be strong and secure and brave and appreciative of how wonderful you are.

     
    Old 04-23-2005, 03:03 AM   #24
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    Re: What do you think of my relation?

    Hi you honestly dont know how lucky you are that this guy has broken up with you, but in years to come you WILL look back and think to yourself THANK GOD I didnt end up with that loser ! Reading this post just made me feel sick for my little baby girl. I am absolutely dreading her getting older and possibly going through what you have been through. Maybe I am old fashioned, but there is no way on this gods earth I would allow her to go out with a boy that much older.
    I know you are feeling terrible right now hun, but you will be thankful in the future, when you meet a nice boy who will treat you right. Also try not to rush in so quickly to have sex, save it for the right person that deserves your love
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