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    Old 04-21-2005, 07:18 AM   #1
    here4support
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    Talking For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    I happend to stumble upon my journal from when my ex broke up with me. I thought there was a lot of useful things in there and as I started reading it, I realized how far I've come since that time in my life.

    I have responded to many of you that have posted things about your ex contacting you again after a certain period of time, or to some of you that are just simply trying to get over your ex.

    I thought that since my notes that I had from my hurtful experience were so helpful to me, that maybe they would be useful to you also!

    One thing that I was told in therapy/counseling is that journaling my thoughts helps tremendously. So, I went out and bought a notebook and I wrote in it at least once a day. Sometimes more. As I sit here and look at the first page in my journal, it was written a little less then a month after my ex broke up with me. I was saying how sad I felt and how much I longed to hear from my ex. I even said in there that I called my ex's cousin and talked to her to see if my ex had said anything to her about me. I was looking for any sort of comfort or hope I could possibly get that he still wanted to be with me.

    I notice so many of you that do this in your posts. It is a very normal thing to do.

    At the end of that first entry my exact words are "It is Friday night and I wonder if he is going to go out. Will he meet girls and will he sleep with them? It still all saddens me but at the same time angers me greatly."

    I just want all of you to know I really did go through what some of you are going through today. I'm here to tell you I got through it and so will you!

    That next morning I wanted to call my ex terribly. I kept putting it off and journaling...then went to work out. When I got home I still felt the need to call my ex. So I did something my therapist told me to try before calling. I wrote down exactly what I thought would be said in the conversation. I wrote down what I knew I would say, and then what I thought he would say back to me. After writing that down, I wrote down what I hoped for, and then logically if I really truly thought I'd get what I wanted by calling him. The first time I did this, it didn't keep me from calling him, but strange thing was, he said exactly what I wrote down that he would say, and it didnt' leave me feeling any better. That helped me to go a lot longer with out calling him...soon days turned into weeks and weeks into months.

    A few things I learned in therapy:

    1. Be patient with myself (yourself)

    2. When feeling frustrated/edgy - take 5 very deep breathes

    There are 3 different forms of communication:

    1. Aggressive- Forcing what you have to say on someon you are talking to.

    2. Passive Aggressive: These are indirect expressions to the receiver.

    3. Non Assertive: Not clearly communicating my (your thoughts), needs, or feelings.

    In all three of these forms of communication the receiver does NOT get the message you are sending.

    The healthiest way to communicat is: Assertive Communication: Clearly communicating your needs, thoughts and feelings. This should be everyone's goal when communicating with another person.

    4 steps in achieving this is to say

    "I_______ (this comes from you)

    "I FEEL" __________ (use one word that is an actual feeling-sad, angry, ect.)

    Tell the other person what happened (short and to the point)

    then state what you want:

    "I would like________". (always remember you can ask for something but you might not always get it.

    The responsability on your life is your own, no one elses.

    There is a such thing called RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION: feeling like you can't be happy or feel good, pretty, beautiful, unless you are with a man. What you need to do is start telling yourself that you are stronger then he is. Also, that the relationship will not go where you want it to. You have the strength to get through this.

    Remind yourself of the following:

    _____ can never be right for me

    You are hanging on to a man that can never give you what you need or deserve in a relationship.


    Remember that it is important to always feel the pain, loss, saddness that is connected with your break-up. Just don't let it reconnect you with the source of pain (your ex).

    Remember when you think about contacting your ex, or you just feel consumed with thoughts of him/her because you feel that it is giving you hope, it is actually just keeping you stuck in the present, not able to move on.

    Remember that there is usually a temporary payoff when you go to contact your ex. Try to figure out what yours is.

    Give yourself everything you wanted to get from your ex:

    Love
    Respect
    Happiness
    Power
    Validation

    I sure hope this helps those of you that are struggling, I really know how much I have changed since my break up in 2000. It takes time, and people get through it, just like I did, so will you!

    Last edited by here4support; 04-21-2005 at 07:20 AM.

     
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    Old 04-21-2005, 07:35 AM   #2
    evy38
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    Re: For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    H4S,
    I think you are dead on. Those are exactly the steps I go thru, even the journal. I have always found it a great place to vent and a measure of how far I've come.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 07:38 AM   #3
    here4support
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    evy38 that is great to hear! I encourage you to continue this healthy pattern in life!

    Last edited by here4support; 04-21-2005 at 10:52 AM.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 10:54 AM   #4
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    Re: For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    Something else to always remember is that you should consider how long you with a person, and how long and how much you loved them.....taking this into consideration, be sure to give yourself as much time as you need to heal and move on.

    Mending a broken heart is a hard thing to do....if you were with someone for a year it may take 2 years to get over it.....just don't ever give up!

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 01:41 PM   #5
    smellyfeet1984
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    Unhappy Re: For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    It's been four weeks since my fiance of four and half years left me. I've been finding it really hard to move on even though everyone I know has told me that I am better off without him. Here's what happened:
    1. He left because he wanted more space for himself. We were young when we first got together and he wanted to go out with his friends more. etc.
    2. Two weeks later he came back saying that he was sorry and that he wanted to be with me - I fell for it and said he could come home.
    3. A week later we had an arguement because he was talking to dirty women on the internet and was being sneaky about it, he left and four weeks later he hasnt come back.
    Ive had to move out of our house and back with my parents, we have a one year old puppy called George. Since he left he has given me his reasons:
    . He wants more space
    . He wants more money to himself.
    . He doesn't want to be with me anymore even though he apparently still loves me.

    He has maintained throughout all of this that he has never cheated on me.

    Tonight he told me that he has been going on dates with a girl that he works with, although when I asked who it was, he said that she doesnt work with him anymore. He refuses to tell me any more about her other than that it has been going on for a few weeks.

    Until I heard this I felt like I was doing so well. Now I feel like I'm back at square one, wanting him to come back.

    I dont know what to do. Ive got people telling me what I should be thinking and what i should be feeling. Im at a loss.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 01:46 PM   #6
    reddoorblack
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    Re: For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    I haven't been around the boards much the past week or so. Thought I was dwelling too much on a particular situation. I am so glad I popped in today! Thank you here4support! What you say is true. Mending a broken heart is very hard to do but I've been noticing over the past 2 or 3 weeks that my attachment to him and/or thinking of him has really lessoned. I'm not obsessing like I used to (where is he, what is he doing, who is he with, is he happy, does he miss me, etc.). It took a while but I finally think I'm over it. Moving out of our office to another building was a huge step. It's helped tremendously! I wish I had kept a journal like you did. I think it would have helped. Thank you again!

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 01:48 PM   #7
    here4support
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    Smellyfeet:

    Did you read my post hun? I think you should go back over it again.

    1. Be patient with yourself

    2. When feeling frustrated/edgy - take 5 very deep breathes

    Remind yourself of the following:

    _____ can never be right for you!

    Honey bottom line here- someone that wants space, is hiding things from you, wants more money to themself, and doesn't want to be with you anymore is not I repeat NOT marriage material....you have to find a way to move on.

    Last edited by here4support; 04-21-2005 at 01:53 PM.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 01:56 PM   #8
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by reddoorblack
    I haven't been around the boards much the past week or so. Thought I was dwelling too much on a particular situation. I am so glad I popped in today! Thank you here4support! What you say is true. Mending a broken heart is very hard to do but I've been noticing over the past 2 or 3 weeks that my attachment to him and/or thinking of him has really lessoned. I'm not obsessing like I used to (where is he, what is he doing, who is he with, is he happy, does he miss me, etc.). It took a while but I finally think I'm over it. Moving out of our office to another building was a huge step. It's helped tremendously! I wish I had kept a journal like you did. I think it would have helped. Thank you again!

    you are very welcome I'm proud of you!!!!

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 02:02 PM   #9
    smellyfeet1984
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    Re: For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by here4support
    Smellyfeet:

    Did you read my post hun? I think you should go back over it again.

    1. Be patient with yourself

    2. When feeling frustrated/edgy - take 5 very deep breathes

    Remind yourself of the following:

    _____ can never be right for you!

    Honey bottom line here- someone that wants space, is hiding things from you, wants more money to themself, and doesn't want to be with you anymore is not I repeat NOT marriage material....you have to find a way to move on.
    I thought that I was doing ok before he told me about the new girl. I had been going out with my friends and not crying at all. Now i just feel like im back at the beginning and having to go through it all again. At this point i dont know how to move on cos its taking all i have to try and get back to the point i was at before. Im so angry with him, i just dont know how he could get over me so quickly.

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 02:26 PM   #10
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    Re: For those struggling with ex boyfriend issues-

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by reddoorblack
    I haven't been around the boards much the past week or so. Thought I was dwelling too much on a particular situation. I am so glad I popped in today! Thank you here4support! What you say is true. Mending a broken heart is very hard to do but I've been noticing over the past 2 or 3 weeks that my attachment to him and/or thinking of him has really lessoned. I'm not obsessing like I used to (where is he, what is he doing, who is he with, is he happy, does he miss me, etc.). It took a while but I finally think I'm over it. Moving out of our office to another building was a huge step. It's helped tremendously! I wish I had kept a journal like you did. I think it would have helped. Thank you again!
    Hey Reddoorblack - Glad to see you back and starting to move on with your life.... Wishing you better weeks ahead girlfriend. AND, it's never to late to start your Journal. Everyday is a new beginning to start something new & exciting.

    H4S - good Post and Very Helpful for those who need to see their is a light at the end of the tunnel....

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 06:16 PM   #11
    here4support
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    girl harley Im sol glad I could help here with my post, and I was happy to see the star rating, didn't realize what it was till right now!

    Smellyfeet- It is ok to have relapses, remember what I said, you have to give yourself time to heal your heart. It could take weeks, months, and in some cases it will even take years. Anger is a very normal feeling to have. Let your heart and you head go through all the emotions...it is healthy and important for your recovery.

    As for you not understanding how he could get over you so fast...remember you didn't break his heart, HE BROKE YOURS, so of course it was pretty easy for him, he didn't have the emotional attachment to deal with like you do.

    Try journaling like I had mentioned in my original post.

    REDDOORBLACK-I hope you also start journaling, it is a very healthy step for recovery and I guarantee you all it will make you feel better!

     
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