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    Old 04-27-2005, 12:32 PM   #106
    here4support
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    Wink Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Nini is making a lot of valid points, really take a long hard look at this, NINI is right!

     
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    Old 04-27-2005, 02:04 PM   #107
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    I have been trying to be really strong about it but I am feeling so down! Every morning I get up I have tears in my eyes! Every evening I go to bed I think of him, I miss him and I wish I could talk to him!
    I know this doesn't really help but what you are feeling and going through is SO normal. It's been 8 months since my breakup and I still feel this way at times. I promise you it gets better but it won't get better until all hope for this relationship is gone. Perhaps the only way to do that is to talk to him. Either way the conversation goes, I see it as a positive. You will either come to some sort of understanding and/or try to work things out or you will be told some things you don't want to hear but at least you'll know for sure and be able to give up that hope.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    I am so weak! I feel like I can't move on! I still hope and I still feel like it can't be true.. there was such a strong connection between us! I feel like I want to talk to him once more time before I can finally know that there is no chance whatsoever... I love him!
    I understand this! I held out hope for months and months; couldn't believe it was happening, couldn't believe he loved me one day and the next decided he wasn't interested, couldn't believe how badly he had broken my heart. I thought - surly he'll come around, he can't be serious about this. After all he loves me. I know he loves me. I put myself in places where I knew he would see me hoping that seeing me would make him realize he made a mistake. I gave him a birthday card pouring my heart out to him - no response. Sent him emails telling him that I loved him and didn't want the breakup - no response. I did the drive-by at his house several times. I made the phone call but hung up because I came to my senses. Bottom line was nothing I said or did was going to change the fact that he wanted out of the relationship. During this time I read a lot of books that helped me put things in perspective. He's just not that into you was one of them. Maybe you could get a copy and read it. Maybe your guy is different but what I learned from my ex is that if he wanted me, he'd be with me, end of story. Guy's brains don't work like ours. We think-think-think-all the time think. If I do this or say this it will cause him to do this. I may be bitter but I think his not calling or attempting contact says it all. Protect yourself. Take care of yourself.

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 08:50 PM   #108
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Thanks everyone for the encouragement... and the support!

    I have been trying to be really strong about it but I am feeling so down! Every morning I get up I have tears in my eyes! Every evening I go to bed I think of him, I miss him and I wish I could talk to him! I blocked him on msn but he is signed on every day! I wonder whether he is waiting for me to sign on?

    I am so weak! I feel like I can't move on! I still hope and I still feel like it can't be true.. there was such a strong connection between us! Especially now after I had a chat with his flatmate I feel like I should call him or at least email him.. I feel like I want to talk to him once more time before I can finally know that there is no chance whatsoever... I love him! I have never had anyone so deep in my heart like him! It hurts so much every day! I have to work every day and I hate that I have to put on such a false happy face! Inside I am in pain!! I feel like I cannot accept that he would end it! He has asked about me his flatmate so I guess he must be missing me and wondering what is going on too???

    I am scared that the no contact will only push him away and will make him not want me anymore! I am scared that he will think that I am no interested and I don't care if I don't talk to him again! I want to contact him so badly!!! But I am so scared that it will go wrong that I will say the wrong thing... but at the same time I want to tell him how I feel to see how he feels? Especially after the chat with his flatmate I feel like I should? I am so weak! I thought I could but I can't do it without him!
    LY, you are getting such great advice here that I think we're a bit confused why you keep posing the same questions we've already answered over and over. I guess it just takes longer for things you don't want to hear to sink in when you're going through such a tough time. I'm really sorry that this whole situation is causing you so much pain, especially since I'm also going through a recent breakup. But the way you're thinking right now, clinging to hope and desperately trying to glimpse signs that this is all a mistake, is just prolonging your suffering and making the situation much harder on you than it has to be. Your feelings of confusion, sadness, and frustration will continue until you fully accept your ex's decision...it doesn't seem to have hit you yet that he's the one that wants to break up, that he's the one that doesn't want to be with you, and not vice-versa. Yes, you told him you couldn't talk to him for awhile because it's too painful, but that doesn't mean it was your choice or your decision to cut off contact. You really don't have another option if you want to have any peace of mind unless of course he changes his mind about breaking up. But you have already talked to him several times and made your feelings clear; he obviously knows you'd still like to be his girlfriend, but over and over he has repeated his desire to be single and no longer in a relationship with you. That was his choice, and there's nothing you can do to change it--refusing to accept the reality of the situation may seem to blunt your pain right now, but ultimately your denial will cause you more pain in the long run than if you accept that the relationship is over as of now and begin moving on with your life without him.

    Please remember that it's completely normal to feel lonely, sad, and just plain miserable after a breakup. You are not any different from anyone else who goes through a similar ordeal in that regard...it doesn't mean you're weak just because you're hurting, but it also doesn't mean that you are meant to be with your ex or that everything will eventually work out between you guys. As Nini said, whether or not you choose to see it, your ex is selfish, manipulative, and knows just how to mess with your emotions in order to keep you hanging on to the tiniest shred of hope in case he does change his mind or wants a booty call. I know that you probably feel like no one can possibly understand how much you hurt, miss him, and love him, but in actuality, these feelings are quite common following just about every breakup. It's normal to mourn the loss of someone you love, but in order to begin the grieving process and move toward healing, you first need to admit to yourself that despite your best efforts, the relationship is over for good. The longer you hold out hopes to the contrary, the longer you will delay the healing process that you need to experience in order to move on, and the more difficult, painful, and prolonged that process will eventually be for you.
    I would hate to see you spend years moping around just because of one guy who quite frankly doesn't seem nearly as interested or concerned with you. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you; all you can control is how you respond. Since your ex is only thinking of himself and his own selfish interests, you need to be similarly self-focused and from now on do only what is best for you. Is it better for you to be left in this miserable limbo indefinitely, or is it better to accept that he has moved on and that you need to do the same? I think the latter option is much better for you in the long run and will give you a much better chance of being happy and even finding love again before too long.

    Again, I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time, but it will get easier in time if you take steps toward moving on with your life. If not, I fear that you will have a much tougher time getting past this painful ordeal...I strongly suggest that you don't call him, no matter how much you want to talk to him. He's not going to take you back or change his mind, and since that's what you'd be hoping for, talking to him will only make you sadder and more disappointed. However, maybe you need to do that to finally get it through your head that the relationship is over...but you're probably not going to find anyone to encourage you to keep contact going with your ex, because we all know how much additional pain that can cause following a breakup. Nini is right about the last paragraph of your post--he doesn't want you now, and unfortunately nothing you can do will change that. He's made his decision, and it's out of your control--as much as you would clearly like to change his mind through taking some action, it's just not going to happen. He already knows that you're still interested in being with him and that you still want to talk to him...but he hasn't chosen to act on that information and get back together with you. Quite frankly, I think you deserve a lot better: you deserve a guy who never doubts whether he wants to be with you, and I wouldn't suggest taking your ex back even if he did change his mind. No one who loves you the way you should be loved would cause you this much pain. I hope you do find a way to start moving on soon and that things get easier for you...in the meantime, hang in there and please avoid contacting your ex, for your own sake.

     
    Old 04-29-2005, 09:01 AM   #109
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    LY, how are you doing? Just wondering how you decided to handle the situation and how you've been doing the last couple of days.

     
    Old 04-30-2005, 01:47 PM   #110
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    It was the hardest thing to do but I diddn't contact him for the whole 2 weeks. It was so so hard and I thought ok this is it! he will move on, meet somebody else and won't talk to me again! Well, today was the first time we talked again on msn! He admitted that he misses me and that he has been thinking a lot about me while I wasn't talking to him! he said that he realised that I am a good girl with really good qualities and that he is aware that it's hard to find a person like this nowadays! He said that he has been thinking a lot about us and our situation and that he discovered that we never really took time to get to know each other! I do agree with this because when we met, we jumped straight into a relationship and were intimate with each other pretty fast, which I regretted but it was too late to go back! He said that I am so much worth for him that he would like focus on me as a person! He said that he would like to get to know me and slowly build a foundation for our relationship. We both agreed that a relationship cannot possibly work without having a good and solid basement and foundation! I think this was lacking in our relationship and so we both agreed that it caused a lot of problems. We were both on different levels and so he said that his aim is to get to know me more deeply and grow together so we can be both on the same level and the relationship can feel natural to him. I think he felt under pressure from me but that's because I thought he was on the same level as me! He admitted that he made some really big mistakes and that he would like to correct them. I actually couldn't understand what went wrong but I think that today we both agreed and found the fundamental issue in our relationship! We did not take things slowly enough especially at the beginning.. the problem is that we are not living in the same country. But we agreed that it's worth to try even if the situation is not easy due to the distance. He also said that he would like to spend some time with me to do things, to explore things, to experience things together! I also would liek to do that! He said he wants to put aside his male physical instinct for now. He said that he would like to spend some time together without sleeping with each other because it's important for us to feel good together without necessarily being intimate so we can base our relationship on different values. He said that he realised that I am so much more worth and that he wants to do this with me!

    I spoke to my parents and they both sounded happy for me but my dad said that he should be coming to me and making more efforts now.. We arranged that he will call me tonight but I have just received a text from him asking me if he could call me tomorrow that he hasn't got much time and that he is sorry and he said thanks and have a good night! I haven't replied because I don't have a credit but also I feel like I don't want him to take me for granted again! To be completely honest, I feel a little upset that he sent the text..I will wait till tomorrow but I am not sure whether to tell him that it upset me and that he needs to make more of an effort if he wants to really try what he says and to win my heart back! We still haven't discussed when are we going to meet and where.. but I hope that he will make his way to me!

    What do you think about it?

     
    Old 04-30-2005, 01:58 PM   #111
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Well, if this is what you want, then I'm very happy for you! I think you should be careful, though. I do NOT think you should start rebuilding this relationship by putting all kinds of demands on him right away. When it comes to men, I think you really need to either accept them as they are and be happy with what they give you, or move on if you can't be happy with what they are willing to give you. Just take things slow for now. I think it's ok if a couple of days go by without you guys contacting each other. It's a new beginning for you guys. You are getting to know each other all over again. Take your time. And remember, this is your time to decide whether he's really what YOU want as well.

     
    Old 04-30-2005, 02:02 PM   #112
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Thanks nini for your advice, for being there! I will follow your advice! I will definitely take things really slow and also see how much improvement we are making! You are right I must not make too many demands on him because it was the main reason why we broke up at first place! Thanks!

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 06:14 AM   #113
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    Exclamation Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    To be completely honest, I feel a little upset that he sent the text..I will wait till tomorrow but I am not sure whether to tell him that it upset me and that he needs to make more of an effort if he wants to really try what he says and to win my heart back! We still haven't discussed when are we going to meet and where.. but I hope that he will make his way to me!

    What do you think about it?
    Hi lovingyou

    I read your entire update and I guess part of me is happy for you and part of me feels afraid for what might happen. I know how much you have been suffering these last few weeks and I don't want you to start all over and have it happen again. I think you really need to realize that you can't have HIGH expectations with this, for if you do, you will be let down twice as hard as you originally were.

    As for you telling him that you feel upset he didn't call when he should have....and then you are doubting and wondering if you should say something...to me that isn't starting fresh and new. That is picking things up right where you both left off. Him not doing what he says and you holding resentment towards him (even it it is in the slightest bit) and not saying anything just to please him. To me it is like walking on eggshells in a relationship....nothing near building a strong "foundation" like you both talked about.

    If he is really your friend and the two of you honestly want this to work, then you should be telling him that you felt a little slighted that he didn't call and just texted you. My personal opinion though.

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 06:19 AM   #114
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I made a mistake.. i thought that we are getting to know each other all over again so we can be together again.. he was quite upset yesterday with me on the phone telling me that I am acting as if we are together again and that I need to lower my love for him and go down to his level and take things slow.. he was not very nice to me and he ended the phone call not in a very nice day saying.. so I am going back to my singlehood and you need to keep your distance! I cried on the phone and he got quite upset with me! He said that i am not able to have a normal conversation with him as a friend and that I always want to talk about "us" and that he does not want to talk about "us" anymore! He said that it's too much for him! He said after that he feels like he shouldn't talk to me anymore anyway because whather he says upsets me and hurts me and I start to cry! Have I messed it all up again? Should I call him and say I am sorry that I was so emotional and that I would like to be his friend as well to start over again.. but he said that it doesn't mean that we will be together again but I know when we chatted on msn the first time that he wants to get to know each other more to see if he wants to be with me again...? I am so confused now! He also said to me yesterday that he does not know what he wants and that I do and so we should be on the same level and we are not!

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 06:34 AM   #115
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    Thumbs down Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    lovingyou

    I'm sorry cause this is what I was afraid was going to happen. I don't know what to say. It seems like you just keep diving back into things with this man and you can't see that he is being manipulative and controlling. He isn't right for you. I don't know how else to say it.

    He made it very clear he doesn't want to be with you. You are making it very clear that you DONT UNDERSTAND THAT. HE DOESNT LOVE YOU HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. You are going to continue hurting yourself.

    You asked : "Should I call him and say I am sorry that I was so emotional and that I would like to be his friend as well to start over again"

    My answer to you: NO NO NO NO NO WAY! Why? Why would you call him and apologize for feeling the way you feel? You feel hurt and lonley. You love him and he doesn't love you. He clearly doesn't want to be with you the way you want to be with him. Lovingyou...you really really need to try and move on. This isn't healthy for you.

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 06:38 AM   #116
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I am sorry. I do understand but he manages to always give me the hope..why did he say that he wants to get to know me all over again to see if he wants to be with me again? why did he say that he wants to focus on me becuase im worth so much for him and why did he tell me that he can't be lost like he is and he wants to be happy like the others and he wants to do this with me and he wants to grow together? Why? Why? I think everyone would think that he is saying that he wants to try again no?

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 06:46 AM   #117
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    Thumbs down Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    LovingYou no need to apologize to me. I will try to help you as much as I can.

    If he said all those things, exactly the way you just posted them and none of them were taken out of context, then YES I probably would be thinking the same way as you when I got off the phone with him. However, from everything you posted even up until today of what this guy says, it is VERY CLEAR to me that he is being MANIPULATIVE.

    How was it left ? Are you going to contact him on MSN or anything?

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 06:59 AM   #118
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    He ended the phone call with an angry voice.. he was upset becuase I cried and became emotional! We started off first having a nice light conversation but then I started to talk about us and I started to ask him questions and he became angry and told me that he wished I stopped asking him all these questions and that he does not want to spend all his time talking about "us" every time we talk.. he said that all he said was truth but he said that he can see that I love him still a lot and that we need to be on the same level! It was quite upsetting because we strated to argue a little and then he said that he won't say anything else anymore becuase he sees that it's only hurting me and confusing me.. so we left it in a bad way actually! He was pretty upset when he finished the conversation and before finishing the conversation he said that I need to work on going on the same level as he is and he needs to work on knowing what he wants! He then said that he will go back to his single life and I need to keep my distance...I was so upset and hurt becuase the day before on msn he sounded different but he said that I should take things slowly and I shouldn't immediately think that we are back together! he said that he wants to get to know me to see if he wants to be with me again but he said he didn't promise it...I feel like I screwed up now everything and I shouldn't have become so emotional.. I should have taken things slowly as well! He also said that how can I know that he is the one for me if we don't even know each other properly so how can I be so sure! On what basis do I know he is the one? It's true that we didn't take things slowly and so that's why I think he wanted to do that but now I think he even gave that up thinking that it's no point with me.. I am so sad now! I feel like I lost all my chances with him!

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 07:10 AM   #119
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    Lightbulb Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    It really sounds like you base everything around him. If you "think" he may be annoyed or angry, you immediately want to jump at it and apologize to him, or you immediately feel like you've messed everything up! I really don't understand this.

    Do you understand that you love him? Yes or no?

    Do you understand that he doesn't want you to talk about the both of you? Yes or no?

    Do you think that this is healthy? Yes or no?

    Lovingyou, it really tears me up inside to see you hurting like this. I can tell by alot of the things you post that you feel like you have lost a lot, with out him. However, you really need to focus on yourself. He isn't a healthy thing for you right now.

    He told you he didn't want to be in a relationship. Then he told you that he wanted to see if you guys could just be friends and you know it isn't going to work for you. He isn't in love. I'm telling you I tried being friends with my ex, and it didn't work. He started dating someone else because of course he was leading the "single life" too. Once he met that girl he didnt' want anything to do w/me.

    I have friends, some really good friends too. I know what a friend is, I know what you can give and get from a friend and he isn't your friend. You really need to realize this. Get angry get mad.....let yourself move on.

    I'll be here for a while so if you want to continue posting just know that I'm here.

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 07:15 AM   #120
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    you are so kind here4support! I really appreciate your help!! The problem is that he said to me that he didn't particularly said to me that he wants to be my friend.. he sais he wants to get to know me better to grow together if he wants to be with me again!

     
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