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  • I want to save it... but should I?

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    Old 04-30-2005, 05:46 PM   #1
    sadaninluv
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    Unhappy I want to save it... but should I?

    My boyfriend and I started out happier then we had ever been in our entire lives, until I got pregnant. We gradually stopped having sex, he looks at explicate web sites and plays video games all day. The baby is five months old and he stays home and takes care of him while I work. He doesn't help me around the house and complains that I don't help him enough. We will hit our two year mark in Sep. We have true love for one another, I know we do but he never tells me. He never compliments me or goes out of his way for me any more. last night i really screwed up and cheated. I stopped it from going too too far but I still regret doing it, or not doing it i am still confused. How can two people so right for each other end up ruining each others lives? I talked with him a few times about it, he gets really emotional and says he wants things to work out...but he doesn't change. I feel really bad about myself all the time, people always tell me that Iím beautiful, but it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't come from him. He once completed me, now he divides me

     
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    Old 04-30-2005, 06:44 PM   #2
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    If you believe it's worth saving, then you should at least try. Why wouldn't you?

    It seems that you are aware of what the trigger here was. Did he want the responsibility of a child? Could there perhaps be some lingering resentments there? Is he happy to stay home with the baby? Or do you think it would be more beneficial if he started working and getting back out there?

    Sort of like Tigger's post, I guess you need to find out why he is like this and work from there. Some people are not affectionate. If you know he loves you, then it's something that you can't change... you just have to accept. You could try to encourage it, but you can't change someone. Perhaps when you feel like being complimented, ask the questions... "how do I look?" etc. Encourage him to start saying nice things. Was he always like this? If he used to be more openly loving, then again you need to find out why he no longer wants to be.

    Have you told him that you were unfaithful? Or talked about it? Although that's a whole other debate, I'm just curious. You say it was brought upon because your bf is not affectionate enough or show you enough attention and that he probably does not understand your need for it. But have you tried to understand why he feels like he can't give it to you? There are 2 sides to every story remember.

    If you both love each other as much as you say you do, then of course it's worth trying to save. I guess it all comes down to knowing when to draw the line and say, I've tried but it's just not going to happen. I understand how you feel and I'm sure you've discussed how you feel with your bf, but have you thought about how he is feeling? Why he is being so distant? You can't begin to try and resolve this unless you know why he feels like this. It's not just about him changing to give you the things you want, it's also about you understanding him and giving him what he wants too.

    Good luck...
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    Old 04-30-2005, 07:15 PM   #3
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    You need to tell your boyfriend about your unfaithfulness. These things are usually a wake up call to the betrayed person. These problems in your relationship have led you to run astray. These problems will not go away unless you both work at it and it seems your boyfriend isn't really motivated to fix them yet.

     
    Old 04-30-2005, 07:43 PM   #4
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    ...............

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-16-2005 at 03:01 PM.

     
    Old 04-30-2005, 07:43 PM   #5
    sadaninluv
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    the thing is that I have talked to him about it and he said that he wasn't "ready for a permante relationship" I know he doesn't like staying home but I can't quite my job the medical is too good. I asked him "do you want to put the baby in day care" and he said "no", I asked him "do you want to move out at least just for the summer?" and he said "no" I have told him everything that I was feeling, and that his actions make me feel badly about myself and he doesn't change. I feel like I can't tell him that I was unfaithful because he is too sensitive and it would eat at him to the point where we could never make it work.

     
    Old 04-30-2005, 08:16 PM   #6
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    So you've told him how he makes you feel etc etc... but do you know how you make him feel? To me it all comes back to his statement that he isn't ready for a permanent relationship... if he's not ready for that commitment, then he certainly wasn't ready for a family. He probably feels overwhelmed at now having a "wife" and family. He may want to change, but doesn't know how to or where to start. And you can't change how he feels. When you ask him questions etc, he may be telling you what you want to hear, instead of telling you what he feels would be better. There seems to be a huge communication problem between the two of you. Perhaps you should go ahead and put the baby into care (or get a relative or something to mind) and give him the chance to figure out whether he wants to be back out there or not. The thing that not alot of people recognise is that just because something is the right or responsible thing to do, doesn't mean that everyone will be happy about it or that by doing so all will end happily.

    I just get from your posts that the decisions that are made are made because they benefit you and are perhaps the right things to do, but do not necessarily take into consideration his feelings. You don't want to quit your job, you have tried to tell him what you need, and you don't want to tell him about your infidelity because it would eat away at him. Actually, it's more likely that you don't want to tell him because you probably fear he would pack up and leave and not come back. If you love him, you should let him know and let him make an informed decision about what's best for himself. Yes it probably would make things much more difficult to make them work, but that's a consequence of cheating unfortunately... and "sparing" the partner the knowledge of what went on is very selfish, because it only benefits the cheater.

    But the big red flag is that he already feels like he doesn't want a permanent relationship. That is probably your answer and you should make your decisions based on that. Talk to him about why he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Maybe he's not getting what he needs and therefore doesn't necessarily want to be in a relationship where he doesn't get what he needs either. It's a two way street. Not one person is to blame here. You BOTH need to identify the problems that the other has and be sympathetic to them. You can't just say that you need such and such and expect him to change. You need to find out why he can't give you what you need if you want to resolve it. If you can't learn to listen to each other and compromise to make BOTH parties happy, then perhaps it is time that you went your seperate ways.
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    Old 04-30-2005, 10:16 PM   #7
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    OMG you are going throught he exact same thing i am going through we should get our b/f talking on here to slove some stuff out. Maybe if they saw other Guys going throught he same insecurities they would ease up a bit. I have a son and me and my b/f ahve been together for alomst 4 1/2 years now i was his princess when we first started dating he would run to my house in the middle of the night just to say i love you. When i was in high school he would bus to for an hour to school so iwouldent be alone. now he plays play staion ( dam thing) while our son sits in dirty diapers. I come home almost every day from work after school and find Owen ( my baby) getting into something while his dad plays. He does try and says he wnats to change but nothing ever does. I love him with all my heart and i dont doubt that he love me and owen but he just cant seem to change. i really think it is b/c our pregnancies. If you dont mind how old are u and your b/f i just turned 20 and my b/f is turning 21. our son is two. It may be that they are to manly or to scared to admit that htey cannot do something that we are so developed at good at. They may be angry that parenting comes naturally to women and may feel inadequate. but i know this still doesnt slove the problem right now. We may find out why they are acting the way they are but getting them to talk about it or do something that's the big problem here eh? Well let me know if you find out whats up with you beau. P.S has he become hostile towards you? mine has i was wondering if the anger is a guy thing or maybe just a problem with us! But besides that im just as clueless as you my post is pretty much the same story. And i know you must be scared that you "cheating" experience will give him the right to leave or maybe your scared of life with out him as well, i know i am it's hard but itwould be harder with out him and i know that. But you do need to be truthful maybe then if he doesnt take the truth as a get out pf jail free card then you will finally know if he really wants to be with you or not. Doing it is the hard part but good luck anyways.

    Last edited by Tiggerbabe; 04-30-2005 at 10:20 PM.

     
    Old 05-01-2005, 04:11 PM   #8
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    i feel where you comin from. me and my bf be havin some problems too. i didnt get pregnant by him but i have a son of my own. we argue a lot and i cheated on him because i thought he was doin it to me. i told him about it because i felt like i was lieing to him everyday. so you got to tell him. my bf was really sensitive about it too but he took me back because he said he thought we could make it work. all men watch porn. your not gonna get him to stop doin that!!! but as far as not having sex any more now thats somethin i just cant put my finger on. i dont know no guy that dont wanna have sex. not sayin that anything is wrong with you but is he cheatin would be my question??!!!!!!! well just because yall have a kid together and yall was really happy at first dont mean yall was ment to be together. just remember that you are special and if he dont wanna treat you like you are then there is someone out there that will. yeah it will be rough to move on but no pain last forever. and just think if he is a really great guy, youll always get to see him still because yall got a kid together.
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    Old 05-07-2005, 11:23 AM   #9
    sadaninluv
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    Thank you guys so much for your advice, it really means allot. Sorry it took me so long to reply, b/f is always on the computer. But I think though I am going to call it quits or at least a break. We are ruining each other, all he does is sit on the computer all day and all night and doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job and isn't doing anything productive with his life at all. As for me, guys are always telling me how "hot" I am, this has never compromised my integrity before. I hate myself I feel ugly and rejected all the time and I am tired of crying about it. The worst part is that I told him how bad he makes me feel and he still hasn't changed and I think if you really love someone you would do anything to help them feel good about themselves and the relationship. Not hide in "world of warcraft?" Thanks again I think next time I am going to go for the money.

     
    Old 05-07-2005, 06:42 PM   #10
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    Quote:
    I feel really bad about myself all the time, people always tell me that Iím beautiful, but it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't come from him.
    Ugh I know exactly how you feel about that! I get the same thing, but feel the same way you do. I don't see what ppl see in me when they tell me I am pretty ... I believe them & that's what they think... but I don't think I am... & it ONLY truely matters to me when my BF tells me! When he says it, I truely FEEl beauitful & so greatful to have him.

    Anyway... as far as everything else goes, the only advice I can think to give you is to be very open & honest with him. Tell him you want to try harder to make each other happy. Tell him you really miss the compliment's he would give you & the loving relationship you once shared. Things do change when you have a baby... but things can get better again - part of being a parent & being in a relationship & having responsibilities! Trust me, I know... my BF & I are 22 & we have a 3.5 year old dd! Our relationship has gone through a lot & I know it will continue to throughout our lives... but we will always find a way to make it work b/c we love each other! One thing we've learned through the years is that communication is a big factor. We talk about a lot of things, all the time, no matter what.

    On the cheating thing - I personally think that if you HONESTLY feel bad about it & regret it & KNOW that it's NOT something you are ever going to do again, then I wouldn't bring it up to him b/c it's only going to upset him, ya know. I am not saying that what you did was right - it was obviously wrong - but I think you know that & you do wish you could take it back!

    Quote:
    As for me, guys are always telling me how "hot" I am, this has never compromised my integrity before.
    IMO, it really doesn't matter until it's coming from someone you really love! It's such a difference then some random guy saying you're hot, you know? At least that's the way I feel. I could care less what any other guy in the world things... so long as my man thinks I am hot, I am happy! I love him, he's the one I want to look hot for (even tho I don't think I am LOL - I love that he thinks I am ) .

     
    Old 05-07-2005, 07:07 PM   #11
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    Re: I want to save it... but should I?

    i haven't read every word of every post (so excuse the briefness here) but did scan through quickly and seems to me some folks are admitting to cheating.

    all i can say is cheating is dead wrong under any circumstance. People who cheat are people whose word doesn't mean anything and they cant be trusted.
    it doesnt mean they are necessarily bad or evil people, just that they are messed up in the head and can't be trusted.

    that said, if you cheated odds are you are seriously messed up in the head. get your head fixed first then try to figure out how to resolve your issues and problems with your bf. Trying to fix your problems with the same head that created them in the first place is a waste of time (albert einstein has a famous quote to that effect.)


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