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    Old 05-02-2005, 07:21 AM   #121
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    Wink Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    So let me get this straight-

    He didn't say he wanted to be your friend, he said he wants to get to know you better to see if he wants to be with you?

    Again, I think he is being manipulative. He is changing words around and scrambling things up to make them seem one way and that way is only a way that works for him.

    If someone wants to get to know you better, then they are in fact going to have to be your friend as time progresses. You don't just "get to know" someone and want to "build a strong basement foundation" with them and not expect them to be your friend.

    Tell me, what do you think about everything? What do you TRULY FEEL IN YOUR HEAERT AND MIND?

     
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    Old 05-02-2005, 09:50 AM   #122
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    It really troubles me that he says you should "lower your love" for him. How are you supposed to do that? You love him, he doesn't love you. I know it can feel confusing, but it really isn't. What happened to the guy that was so lost without you and missed you so much??? THis is the same guy telling you he doesn't want to talk about where the relationship is going, he just wants you to be there for him when he feels lonely.

    I think there are two ways you can play this. You can deny your feelings, pretend you don't love him, pretend you aren't hoping to get back together with him, keep it light, and simply not allow yourself to talk about the romantic side of your relationship and not allow yourself to act like a "girlfriend" and be light and breezy and talk about work, the weather, and casual things, and try to twist yourself into being what he wants you to be in the faint hope that he will one day decide that he loves you, OR...

    You can love yourself enough to say "you don't love me like I want and deserve to be loved, so as much as it will hurt, I'm going to walk away and go find someone who loves me as much as I love him."

    As far as I can see, those are your two choices right now. You've given him all the power, and he's taken all the power. You have no say in anything. He gets upset at you if you put any expectations on him at all. Once you've been in love and have had sex and been intimate, it's almost impossible to back up and start all over again like you just met, unless years and years have gone by. It seems like that's what he's asking. I think he's being rather unreasonable.

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 10:28 AM   #123
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    LY, I am sorry that he's putting you through such torment all over again, and hopefully some of the great advice posted recently will help you see the situation more clearly. I think you might also benefit from re-reading this thread and trying to view your issues more objectively--though I completely understand why you're thinking the way you are, I don't think it's in your best interest to keep approaching this relationship with the same outlook you've had up until now. It seems like if there is 99.9% of his actions and our advice telling you that he's never going to make you happy and give you what you want from him, you look past all that and focus in on the .1% of indications that there might be some hope that he wants to get back together. But in reality, none of the signs that have encouraged you and kept you hanging around hoping he comes back are convincing evidence that everything will work out OK. I think you will be fine and come out of this experience much wiser and more mature, but not until you can break free of his manipulation. His selfish and mean behavior & mixed signals keep your hopes alive, prevent you from moving on, and disappoint and hurt you over and over. He's perfectly content with having you 100% under his control, desperate for any crumbs of hope, but you clearly aren't content with the current situation. I think the only way things will ever change and improve for you is if you make the choice to move on with your life without this guy and instead look for friends and dates who treat you with consideration and respect. I hope you are able to do that, because no matter what this guy says, it's highly unlikely that he'll ever make you happy with as little commitment and effort as he's willing to demonstrate. I really hope everything works out well for you in the end...

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 10:43 AM   #124
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    Lightbulb Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Nini took the words right outta my mouth which seems to have been happening a lot lately in these postings....

    LovingYou I think nini and Snails both offered great advice and I really really truly believe that NINI is right......

    Snails brought up another good point, try to re-read this thread...start from the beginning, really look at everything you have posted and everything that your ex is saying to you and what we are telling you...

    Keep us posted...we are here for you

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 05:42 PM   #125
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    It's unbelievable... he sent me a text tonight asking me if I could sign on msn that he needs to ask me something?! After some hesitation I did! He said that he was coming with his friends to my country and that he has nowhere to sleep on Thursday night so if he could come to stay with me! And we could spend the Friday together before he goes to spend the weekend with his friends.. I said that he can! He then said that he is wondering whether it's a good idea? I said why has he asked me first and then he is not sure? He said because of our last phone call, which was hard for him? He then said that he wants to take it easy and he does not want to think about us too much and whatever happens will happen.. He then asked me if I was excited that he was coming to see me? I said that yes I am happy and he said but I mean excited.. because he said that he is. He then asked me how I wanted to spend the time togehter? I said that it would nice to get to know each other as we said on msn before again and focus on that.. and that this is would be a great opportunity for us! I asked how does he want it to be and he said "let's be clear! I have to admit that I am very excited to see you and I am not sure we can resist each other". He then said "I am sorry to tell you that". He said that he wants me.. I asked him if he meant it when he said on the phone that he just wanted to have fun with me when he met me the first time.. he said at the beginning yes but of course after he wanted to be with me! He said to me but please take it easy! I said so do you still want to focus on me as a person? He said "oh please don't worry I am not coming to see you for "that"! So stop with your questions again"! He then said "I said I want you becuase it's true and not because I think you are easy..but after your questioning I should maybe avoid saying things like that! Sorry then I don't want you now". He then said "is it better like this now? otherwise it's the end of the world for you! I said to you yesterday I don't want to talk about us anymore". He said "it's such a trouble to say things to you! your questions do you think im easy? if you complicate things like this, keep me away from you! I can tell you and maybe you should prepare a separate bed for me on Thursday then! otherwise it'll be hard! I only said "ok" and he got upset and said "great so maybe I should sleep in a different room then? he then said "anyway, we are friends now so friends shouldn't sleep together! I am just used to telling you that I want you" I said "it's ok" and he got upset and said "cool. bye. see you". I said "so i'll see you on Thursday?" and he said "well, maybe" I asked why? and he said "because if I will come I will have a hard time thinking should I do this or should I not? great time really" He then said "i don't know. i will tell you tomorrow. don't take your day off on Friday becuase it's not worth it". I said "why are you saying it's not worth it?" He said "because you didn't change! always the same ******** with you and your questions instead of just enjoying the time together. you are a nice girl but you wonder too much and you question too much! it's deep inside you. i'll tell you tomorrow. maybe i may not come with my friends at all. i need to rest and with you and your quesitons it's impossible and partying with my friends isn't either. when I hear you it's too much complications. i prefer avoiding it! I said to him" but we haven't met yet and you are already negative!" and he said "yes but I can see on msn that it's too complicated for you to take things easy for you. he said remember that we are not together anymore and we won't be so take it easy with me! I'll let you know tomorrow." and he signed off..

    I don't have words.. I don't get it! First he sends a text asking me if he could come to stay here and then he gets so annoyed because I asked a question? He asked me a question too no? I feel so bad now like I am really complicated! But he knows me so how could he expected me to change in a day? He said at first he is happy to see me but now he has changed his mind again? What am I doing wrong? I can't say anything to him without upsetting him? This time he was the one starting to ask me questions about us and how I feel about him coming to see him? Have I messed it up again? I thought he wants to see me? He said he was happy and excited to see me? and now he is not sure again?

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 12:57 AM   #126
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I was expecting to see a post soon from him requesting a one night stand. There had to be a reason he was going out of his way to get your hopes up again--this guy seems to be very deliberate in how he manipulates your emotions to get exactly what he wants. I would tell you why it's a bad idea for him to stay with you (mostly because it will make it harder for you to get through the inevitable mourning process when you accept that the relationship as you knew it is over), but I think you'll end up letting him stay because he'll try his best to convince you. I hope you don't go through any more pain than necessary because of him and that you reread your posts on this thread before making a decision, but good luck no matter what and please try to look out for your own best interests. Please consider taking advantage of the great advice you're getting from people trying to save you from unneccessary pain!

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 03:08 AM   #127
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    No Lovingyou, you didn't stuff up. He's simply angry because you are not going along with his manipulative games. The reason he is angry for the questions is because he wanted to be intimate with you when he saw you, but without any strings, without you getting attached, and without him having to invest anything to you. It's quite simple. But he's now realised that he may not be able to use you for sex without you becoming involved with him again. He doesn't want that... CLEARLY. He just wants sex, and then be able to walk away and not give you another thought until perhaps he wants something from you again.

    LovingYou, I can't tell you how sick this guy makes me.. his manipulative games and the fact that he is blatantly playing you for a fool. What makes me sadder though is that you play the game right into his hands. Stop worrying about what HE feels or what HE thinks is right; think about yourself and how YOU feel, how this non existant relationship makes YOU feel, and what YOU should do in the best interests for you moving on. I'm sorry, but he has no intention of being with you, being committed to you, and probably never will.

    You say he needs to get to know you again. HA! Even if you did rush into things in the beginning of a relationship, by spending time together, or talking etc, that's how you can learn about each other. If he has to break up with you to know if he wants to be with you then he obviously didn't think very much of the relationship, or value it in anyway. It's just too hard to erase the love that was there and go back to the start. You don't need to break up to do it. If he is so easily able to "lower" his love for you, chances are that it probably was not really there to begin with, or that he fell out of love with you already. What other reason is there that he can "lower" his love so easily when you are struggling so hard? He's simply keeping you around as a convenience... or so that you don't find someone before he does. And if he finds someone else, do you really believe he will contact you again? No, he won't.

    LovingYou, in your own best interests there is only one solution for you. Grab hold of your remaining dignity and self esteem, tell him to find someone else to use, and walk away with your head high. Otherwise you will be caught in this vicious cycle over and over again until he finally stops it all when he finds someone else to manipulate. It's nothing to do with you, it's just the person that he is. There may be no explanation, but the world is full of people that don't always have the best intentions and will step on people's feelings to get what they want without having to invest anything. Accept that he is one of these people. Accept that someone who loves or has loved you, or even wants to see if he can love you again, DOES NOT act like this. He would not treat you like this. He just wants to use you until he has no further need for you. It's heartbreaking I know, but the sooner you realise the sooner you can start to pull away and start to heal your heart.

    Please, look out for your own best interests... this guy clearly is not going to.
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    Old 05-03-2005, 11:22 AM   #128
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I am in tears! I feel the pain now more than ever! He emailed me to say that he won't be coming at the end because he prefers avoiding any complications! He said that he thinks it's better if we don't meet for a while as he does not feel very comfortable! I am devasted more than before because I think now it feels like we will never see each other again! Now it feels like he has finally decided that I am not the girl for him and he does not want to see me again! I feel that now he has made his mind about us! This whole time he wasn't sure about us but I think now he knows! I think today my heart is really broken! I feel like I am such a bad girlfriend! This whole time he has been telling me that he is confused.. and that he misses me a lot and I am in his mind and heart and that he wants to focus on building our relationship again and the next day he is completely different with me! It hurts so badly! I can't stop crying! I feel such a horrible pain on my chest and my stomach! I will never get over him! I gave him all my heart and the maximum love I have ever given to anyone.. I thought he was the special one in my life and that's why it hurts even more now! Why has he given up on me so fast? I thought he said before that he will be always there for me and now he is acting as if he is going away from me completely! Do you think I completely pushed him away? Why is he saying he doesn't feel comfortable? Why suddenly he does not feel comfortable to see me? He came here during the Easter break and we had a great time! And he is suddenly telling me this? He made me promise that we will see each other again and now he refuses to see me? I am so so so hurt by this!!


     
    Old 05-03-2005, 11:29 AM   #129
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Why do you keep blaming yourself for all this? Why do you keep thinking you are the bad guy? Have you ever thought that maybe he's the jerk and just told you what you wanted to hear instead of the truth? He wanted to come and see you as long as he could get into your pants, but he doesn't want any strings attached. He is going back and forth with it because I think deep down inside he knows what he is doing is wrong. He threw it out there to see how you would react. If you would have said "Sure,,yeah,,,come see me, sleep with me and then leave - no problem", he would have jumped at the chance. Then when he talked to you and realized you were hoping to put more into it then just a roll in the sack, he backed off because he doesn't want to deal with you on that level.
    You HAVE to stop beating yourself up over this!
    This guy is a looser and you deserve better!

    Last edited by susieq0726; 05-03-2005 at 11:37 AM.

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 11:50 AM   #130
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Why has he given up on me so fast? I thought he said before that he will be always there for me and now he is acting as if he is going away from me completely! Do you think I completely pushed him away? Why is he saying he doesn't feel comfortable? Why suddenly he does not feel comfortable to see me? He came here during the Easter break and we had a great time! And he is suddenly telling me this? He made me promise that we will see each other again and now he refuses to see me? I am so so so hurt by this!!


    He hasn't given up on you so fast. He gave up on you a long long time ago.
    When he said he would always be there for you, he was LYING .
    No, I don't think you pushed him away. You're just in love with someone who doesn't love you back. That always makes a person a little crazy and clingy. He made you promise that you will see each other again because when you slept with him Easter weekend, he thought he would be able to come and have sex with you whenever he felt like it without any complications or strings. But your "questions", basically you're wanting to know where it's heading and if he still loves you, were a bother to him because all he wanted was your body to have sex on.

    I'm so so sorry you're still going through all this. I wish you could have taken our advice and just broken off all contact with him, but I know you had to see it through. But I hope now you can see that this man just isn't the man for you. Believe me, I know how hard it is. But the sooner you move on the better off you'll be. Like I've said, you do NOT want to end up like me, 7 years later, still crying your eyes out over this guy because of what he did to you, do you? This has already been going on way too long for you. You need to just accept the fact that he doesn't love you, he's not the guy for you, and never talk to him again. He's made it so so clear that he doesn't love you, and all he wants to keep in contact with you for is to have convenient sex with no expectations. Your "questions" irritate him because they remind him that you love him, and expect him to return your love in some way some day. But he doesn't want you to expect love from him, because he knows he'll never give you any more. It's not your fault, you did not drive him away. You just didn't allow him to use you. I say good for you.

    I know how much it hurts, but as long as you hang onto him, it will keep hurting. I hope you can make some good come out of this incident, and see it for what it is. We all see this guy so clearing, and you just can't seem to see what we see. You see a great guy that deserves all this love and devotion that you're willing to try to turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please him so he'll love you again. We all see a liar, a user and a manipulator who just wants to use you. I really hope you can see what we all see and leave it be and move on. Trust me, the longer you put it off, the harder it will be, then after enough time passes, you may never be able to move on and be happy without this guy. But you must try. For your own sake, this is your life we're talking about. Don't serve up the rest of your life to this guy. Do whatever you have to to move on as soon as possible. (((HUGS)))

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 11:56 AM   #131
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    Angry Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Why am I NOT surprised by any of this?

    lovingyou- I just don't know what to say to you anymore. You keep blaming yourself but do you NOT READ what you are typing here?

    This man is a MANIPULATIVE JERK, he wants a piece of a$$ and wants sex from you, that is ALL HE WANTS. He wants it to be on HIS TERMS. He is playing with your emotions and he is doing it on purpose.

    At one point I thought maybe he didn't mean to do it, or didn't realize what he was doing, but it is ALL TO CLEAR NOW! The man is a JERK.

    You really really need to STEP BACK FROM ALL OF THIS, stop feeling bad as if you did something wrong. The guy is manipulating you, he is manipulating you, manipulating you and again MANIPULATING you...over and over and over again.

    He doesn't LOVE YOU, NO HE DOESNT LOVE YOU...he doesn't care about you....not one bit! Don't you notice the ONLY time he contacts you is because he wants something to pleasure himself or make himself happy!

    The guy is NOT relationship material.

    I know you are hurting and I know you are sad, but really BE HAPPY...be happy the moron is not coming. I wish I could be there with you to help you, just remember we are here to support you. I really truly URGE you to re-read all of your posts. It almost feels like you are literally not reading what we all are typing to you.

    Basically we are begging you to SEE THE LIGHT and see that this guy is NOTHING BUT A COLD HEARTED SNAKE, MANIPULATOR!

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 01:13 PM   #132
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    yes we were intimate during he weekend... I know it's my fault I let it happen! I know I should have said no to that but it was so hard to be next to him the whole weekend... we were behaving with each other as if we were still a couple.. he was behaving with me exactly the same when he was still my boyfriend! He was so affectionate with me.. holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me,... it was not any different!
    This same thing happened to me (except for the sex). Please be careful here! About 2 months ago my ex and I were away on a business trip. I avoided all contact, went about my business, ignored him. He showed up at my room asking if he could talk to me. I let him in. We talked and cried and things were like you said, like they were when we were together. I totally opened my heart up to him. I told him I loved him, that I needed him, etc. He tried very hard to have sex with me but I didn't let it happen. We talked all night then I caught a plane in the morning. He said he'd talk to me on Monday. Well - Monday morning he was in the parking lot kissing his now current girlfriend. He used me. He lied to me. He hurt me all over again.

    Please don't let this happen to you. Be very cautious. I'm sorry you are hurting like this. I know it isn't easy. It's so hard - the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It takes so much time. Even today, he was in my building and I heard his voice and I started to cry and I haven't cried over him for ages! I wasn't bawling but just a tear or two. He still has that effect on me even after all the really HORRIBLE things he has done to me. It will probably be that way for you too. Just guard yourself. That's the most important thing.

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 01:30 PM   #133
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by reddoorblack
    He still has that effect on me even after all the really HORRIBLE things he has done to me. It will probably be that way for you too. Just guard yourself. That's the most important thing.
    Yes, this is true. We've all been through what you're going through now, LY. We know how hard it is and how much it hurts, but we also know how important it is to look after yourself at this time. Once you get stuck in the pattern of wanting him, waiting for him, it will get harder and harder to get past this. I really do hope you will open your heart and listen to us, LY. We've been there and we know what we're talking about.

    Hope you're doing better now, too, reddoor.

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 01:37 PM   #134
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Whoa, this man had the audacity to ask if he could come stay with you, when just the day before he told you you guys needed to keep your distance and got mad at you for caring about him??!
    So now that he wants something it's ok for him to visit?

    Oh, I'm so glad he decided not to come and I hope it stays that way.

    I really hope you will be able to see this clearly, very soon.
    How about just looking at this guy for who he is. Don't feel bad about any of it.
    I mean I thought maybe he was just confused or being honest or something, myself, for a minute there. But I don't think anything can make it any clearer than it is now.
    (Note to self: Never doubt Nini again! )
    So don't feel bad, just pick up and move on from here. We will all be rooting for you.

     
    Old 05-03-2005, 01:39 PM   #135
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I'm fine Nini - just ****** off that he still has the power to get to me. Thanks for asking.

    LY, all these girls know what they are talking about!! Do what I did. Everytime (well, almost everytime. I still managed to do/say some pretty stupid things) I got the idea to contact him, in any way, I came here first. You should do that too.

     
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