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  • Help... we are barely hanging on

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    Old 05-24-2005, 06:08 PM   #1
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    Help... we are barely hanging on

    My girlfriend of 15 months needs quite a bit of time to herself. I however, need attention and caring from the one I love. At first, we both spent a great deal of time together. That has slowly changed as time has gone on. Now, she looks for opportunities to do things without me, and I long for the time I get to spend with her.

    We both see this as a problem and a possible incompatibility for a long-term relationship. We recently decided to take a one-week hiatus and not see each other. We had discussed this in the past as we canít figure out a way to meet each others needs. I made the suggestion yesterday and she said that she didnít like it, but couldnít say that it was a bad idea. I moved back into my apartment yesterday and we are currently only speaking on the phone.

    Staying at her place was hard, because I didnít feel like she wanted me around. Leaving her place was harder. I have that huge hole in my stomach. I figured this was the best thing for her. I only hope she can decide that she wants me in her life.

    I need to feel wanted. I have a hard time with my own security in the relationship.
    She needs her space. She has a hard time dealing with commitment. Her longest relationships have been about a year.

    How do I not smother the relationship and still have my needs met?
    Was moving out a bad idea?
    Any suggestions out there?

    Hanging by a thread

    Last edited by southerngent; 05-24-2005 at 06:11 PM. Reason: additional information

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    Old 05-24-2005, 06:54 PM   #2
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    Re: Help... we are barely hanging on

    It sounds to me like you two have different needs and I think moving out was the best idea. If she doesn't wanna be around you, you can't force it and also why would you want someone like that anyhow? Were you guys spending too much time together? People do need indivual time without their SO. Also, I think you need to become secure enough with yourself or else you seem too needy and nobody likes being with someone like that, you know? Maybe if you end up moving back, you could compromise, like she gets so many days to herself but the others she commits to you?? good luck!

    Old 05-24-2005, 07:11 PM   #3
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    Re: Help... we are barely hanging on

    I don't know if you would say we were spending too much time together, but maybe we were. I have been reading articles about "I need space" statements made by girlfriends and it seems like in most cases that is an end to the relationship.

    I hope it isn't, because I truly believe this is a special realtionship. I agree that I need to be more secure. Earlier in my life I was in a bad marriage. I ended it and I don't know if that has fed my insecurities. I guess the only thing I can do is give her the space she wants and find my own life without her. If she wants to be part of it, she will. It just hurts to think of the alternative.

    Old 05-24-2005, 07:40 PM   #4
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    Re: Help... we are barely hanging on

    I think you're pretty close there.
    You have to go on the assumption that she is NOT going to change.
    Then you have the option to change yourself (which can cause ripple changes in others - or not) or live your life feeling like she should change which causes resentment, or look for someone who is more of a "tied at the hip" type.

    Old 05-24-2005, 10:06 PM   #5
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    Re: Help... we are barely hanging on

    i agree with ruth. Though you may love this girl with all your heart. Your longing for attention and someone who is willing/wanting to spend as much time as they can with you. I dont think this girl is going to change in that department, and could hinder things from going further...

    Old 05-24-2005, 10:19 PM   #6
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    Re: Help... we are barely hanging on

    I think the other posters are right that some people like more alone time and independence than's just part of some personalities and not others. On the other hand, I'm about the most independent, happily solitary person you'll ever meet, but that doesn't prevent me from wanting to spend a lot of time with someone I love very much. If she's frequently talking about feeling smothered and needing more space, I don't think that's just due to her temperment. Unfortunately, in my experience you are right when you say this kind of talk, especially from a girl, means she is no longer content and stimulated by the relationship and probably wants out. I wish I could be more optimistic, and of course there is always a chance that she will realize everything she'd be losing after you move out and want to recommit herself to you, but generally even the most private, solitary people don't feel the need for space around someone they want to be with unless that person is unusually clingy. If that's the case with you, you can definitely work on being more self-sufficient and happy on your own, which will serve you well in any relationship. In my experience, the happiest people are those who are perfectly content with their lives alone, but would also be pleased to have a partner who suited their lifestyle...the most miserable, lonely people are those who just can't stand to be alone and feel like they'll never be happy without someone to love. I think it's a worthy goal to work on getting to the point where you are content with yourself and your life regardless of what other people think about you and want from you...I know this is harder for some people than others, but it's never a bad thing to be okay with being alone and independent. The more you need other people, the less they seem to want to be with you, and the more they tend to pull away and be drawn to people who have a life of their own and aren't desperate for a partner. I wish you all the best with your GF--hopefully she will really miss you now that she can't take for granted that you'll be around all the time. At this point, I really think the other posters are right that you can only focus and work on far as your GF goes, it's up to her now. If she really loves you and wants to be with you, she will make that clear, and if not, you deserve much better than some girl who doesn't really want you around anyway. I hope it all works out for the best...but I suspect it will; everything has a way of turning out well in the end. I know you must be going through a really tough time now, but please try to reassure yourself that you tried your best and now it's out of your hands. I would suggest keeping as busy as possible while you wait and see how she feels about you moving out of her place. Good luck and take care!

    Old 05-25-2005, 12:26 PM   #7
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    Re: Help... we are barely hanging on

    Hate to tell you this, but...

    Staying apart for ONE WEEK will accomplish NOTHING. Especially since you two are still talking on the phone!

    This is not a real separation.

    If you want to find out if you two have anything worth pursuing, you will need to be apart much longer than that. You will also need to agree to NO CONTACT at all.

    This is the only way you'll both discover what life feels like without the other person involved. Continued contact on the phone and plans to meet again in a week isn't much distance between the two of you.

    Yes, it was a good idea to move out. Now take it a few steps further. End contact for at LEAST a month or two. Agree on a date when you will both meet to discuss how things have been.

    Can't handle that? Then you are confusing true love with your own need to be involved with a nurturing partner. If you REALLY love this girl and want her to explore her independence so she can determine if she NEEDS you in her life, you'd let her do just that.

    Get used to the idea that perhaps you two aren't suited for each other -- but do not dismiss the possibility that absence will, in fact, make your hearts grow fonder.

    Good luck.

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