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  • He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

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    Old 06-03-2005, 12:58 PM   #1
    danilynn72
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    Unhappy He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Hi folks,

    Well I need opinions. I'll be short and sweet. I'm 32 and my bf is 41 yrs old. He was married for 5 yrs. which was 5 yrs ago (he has no kids-either do I: I wasn't ever married). We have been dating for 1 1/2 yrs and living together. In the middle of this, I bought a condo and we have been fixing it up (I bought b/c I didn't want to crowd him b/c he technically never asked me to move in). We have always gotten along, spent lots of time together and really never fought. When we started hitting about the 9 month mark though, I startecd questioning why he never gave compliments, no I love you's and cards. I knew he loved me but was more of a laid back guy (also thought he was hurt b/c his wife left him for another guy and the last girl walked out on him).

    Anyway, we were close to being done with my condo and I knew it would be hard to just move out (a reverse move-at 1/2 yrs people usually move in together). We also started counseling like 2 months ago and went for 3 times. I never in a million years thought my bf would just pull this need time and space bit, but he has. THis past Memorial Day weekend we were suppoed to go away to his friends beach house and he ended up going away for the weekend without me. When I tried to call, he just said he needed some time. Yesterday when I really spoke to him (after he started dropping of my belongings) he said that he had felt crowded in his house and now likes it being alone. I told him he need dto continue going back to counselor b/c these were not our problems, but his alone.

    MY QUESTION IS: I have agreed to give him a week though I know we should spend more alone apart. I did however want a boundary set such as : no dating and maybe a set time to meet back. Have any of you ever done this, did you set up time and boundaries and did it work???????? I know there is no particular time that someone can predict, but if he's not breaking up with me, don't I have the right to kind of know how long he might take? I also found out from his friend that the last girlfriend he had who dumped and used him, got married this past weekend. I never suspected that they were still in contact, but could he be hurting from this? ANd would he let it affect us? (I 'm not sure though that he truly knows she got married). I guess I'm dying here and I keep racking my brains and just want to get on with life. I am trying to live my life without weeping all over the place, but I'm in limbo b/c is he only taking time to really break up with me--is that really what time is about? Or do men truly sometimes take time to realize that they need their girlfriends.

    Also, if you took a break-how long was it? Please help-I can;t believe this is happening to me.

    Lynne

     
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    Old 06-03-2005, 01:59 PM   #2
    ladivapr02
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    I think this man is not in love with you nor seems like he will ever marry you. I would break for good and move on with life. YOu will meet another man that willl appreciate you.

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 02:18 PM   #3
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    When a man wants a break, help him pack! You don't want a man who doesn't know, by now, whether or not he wants you. Why waste time with him when you could be searching for one who knows what he wants?

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 02:36 PM   #4
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    When a man wants a break, help him pack! You don't want a man who doesn't know, by now, whether or not he wants you. Why waste time with him when you could be searching for one who knows what he wants?
    I'm kind of in the same situation, maybe you could give me some advice, evy? You're always so good about that...

    K told me that although he doesn't want to break up with me or leave me, he misses his independence and doing things on his own and living alone. Fine with me - I can handle that. But on TOP of it he tells me he's not sure "I'm the one". I told him of course he shouldn't know if "I'm the one" after only dating for 10 months...but he feels he should know by now. That hurts me so deeply - I'm starting to lose hope. We've been living together for 6 of those months...so it makes it kind of difficult to give him his space when we're both homebody's.

    I'm holding on, but I don't know how long I can take it, either... What kind of motivation do I have when the man that I love with all my heart tells me he's not sure if we're compatible. It's breaking my heart...and yet I'm still holding on...

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 03:43 PM   #5
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Here's my opinion for what it's worth.
    Anyone in your situation should move out on their own.
    It will actually make you a more attractive mate - suddenly there's no housework getting done, no one's right there in bed anymore, laundry, etc.

    Also, I don't know how to put this, but if you've been together only a year and a half and you are in counseling I'd have to suspect that no one is wrong....
    You two are just not right for each other.

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 03:58 PM   #6
    evy38
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Anytime your love for someone depletes you, it requires that you answer the question, "What am I getting out of this relationship?". Who is doing most of the giving, you or him? I believe, strongly, that when a man or woman says they need a break, they are basically putting you on a shelf. They want to get out and see if there is something better, but they want you waiting, in the wings, just in case they can't find anything better. Your lover shouldn't "settle" for you, he/she should CRAVE you. Especially after only 10 months. If you accept this situtation, what are your actions telling him? This is what they tell him, "I value your love more then I value myself", "I will accept whatever behavior you do because, I deserve nothing better", "It is not necessary that you respect me, because I don't even respect myself". Got news for you. If a man doesn't respect you, he will start looking for a woman he can respect. Men get away with this because so many women put the men in their lives, BEFORE themselves! You are number 1. If you don't love and respect yourself, nobody else will either. Do you think that this is respectable behavior? I don't. Know what's really sexy? A woman or man who loves and RESPECTS themselves. It draws like a magnate.

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 04:02 PM   #7
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    Here's my opinion for what it's worth.
    Anyone in your situation should move out on their own.
    It will actually make you a more attractive mate - suddenly there's no housework getting done, no one's right there in bed anymore, laundry, etc.

    Also, I don't know how to put this, but if you've been together only a year and a half and you are in counseling I'd have to suspect that no one is wrong....
    You two are just not right for each other.
    That is exactly what I think too. Move out and let him see how life is without you!

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 04:18 PM   #8
    evy38
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Actually, ask him to move out. You keep the place if your name is on the lease.

     
    Old 06-04-2005, 09:57 AM   #9
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    Anytime your love for someone depletes you, it requires that you answer the question, "What am I getting out of this relationship?". Who is doing most of the giving, you or him? I believe, strongly, that when a man or woman says they need a break, they are basically putting you on a shelf. They want to get out and see if there is something better, but they want you waiting, in the wings, just in case they can't find anything better. Your lover shouldn't "settle" for you, he/she should CRAVE you. Especially after only 10 months. If you accept this situtation, what are your actions telling him? This is what they tell him, "I value your love more then I value myself", "I will accept whatever behavior you do because, I deserve nothing better", "It is not necessary that you respect me, because I don't even respect myself". Got news for you. If a man doesn't respect you, he will start looking for a woman he can respect. Men get away with this because so many women put the men in their lives, BEFORE themselves! You are number 1. If you don't love and respect yourself, nobody else will either. Do you think that this is respectable behavior? I don't. Know what's really sexy? A woman or man who loves and RESPECTS themselves. It draws like a magnate.
    This is very true. Good job Evy!
    People take breaks from work. Relationships, though they sometimes can be work, should certainly not be viewed as a full time job!! Therefore, when someone asks for a break it is usually about something else- checking out another prospect perhaps?
    I'm sure you know deep inside that when someone needs a break from you, they are usually looking for a way out of the relationship without having to confront you and end it head on. Things get very messy that way! Taking a "break" is the coward's way out. It's hard to accept this from your standpoint right now because you want so badly to be with him and make it work. And you feel like leaving him would be somewhat of a punishment for you, and you don't deserve the punishment. Don't look at it that way. Look at it as you're taking steps in the right direction, standing up for yourself and your needs, and not giving in.

     
    Old 06-04-2005, 01:23 PM   #10
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    "Taking a break" is one of two things:

    1) A legitimate and sometimes necessary means to establish the priorities within one's life. Separating from your partner in order to have everyday freedoms and time to organize thoughts, wants and needs is often very beneficial. Separations sometimes bring people back together when they realize that life without the other person is not making them happy.

    2) A protracted and sometimes even cowardly way of splitting up for good, stringing along the other person in an effort to spare their feelings, using the assumption that over time the pain will become less and less and a permanent split will be easier. Usually this doesn't happen and the person who is put on hold becomes frustrated and feels abandoned.

    The problem is... the person who is "taking a break" may not truly know the reason why he or she is doing it. It's not possible without hearing both sides of the story to even remotely guess if the guy is a wimp and trying to take the easy way out or if he's simply confused and doesn't know what to do right now.

    Ruth is also on target here: very likely that the two of you just aren't suited for each other and NO ONE is truly to blame.

    Ruth and others here have also suggested the same strategy that I have recommended many times to others in similar situations -- you MUST put yourself FIRST. This makes you a better partner in the long-run -- and a better person almost immediately. The focus must always be on YOU. This may seem contrary to "the golden rule" but in fact we find that when we love ourselves we can more easily give OF ourselves to others, becoming more caring and devoted partners when the time is right.

    We cannot ever force someone to do our bidding. Though it isn't necessarily "unfair" of you to suggest some boundaries and limitation and a time line for this split -- he certainly does NOT have to accept your rules and regulations! After all, it is HIS life and he can make important choices for himself. It is very sad when someone makes a choice which does not include YOU... but you cannot change that and attempts to try to do so will only result in more and more frustration and despair.

    So, yes... taking a break can work. People DO get back together. And probably just as often... they do not.

    Your best bet is not allow yourself to put into a "waiting mode," as if you were a young dog being trained on a leash for the first time. Your best bet is to get on with your life and focus your attention on yourself. Let him have his freedom -- do not pester him, do not contact him, do not set boundaries and do not suggest a time frame by which you expect his decision to be reached. Proceed as if you are going to be alone and without him. Your independence and courage just might give him pause for thought and bring him back to you. But my guess is that if this should ever happen, you will be at the stage where YOU feel you might not want HIM around anymore!

    Think of the things in life that make you happy, the things you have always done on your own that give you joy. Odds are good that probably you haven't done some of these things in a long time. Do them again NOW. Or find something new and exciting that you've always wanted to do but never tried. With your energy and passion thusly redirected, you'll discover things about yourself that you never knew before. HIS time apart from you now also becomes YOUR time to re-discover yourself.

    Run with that.

     
    Old 06-06-2005, 06:22 PM   #11
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    i think that sometimes people want to take a break so that they can make sure that they are able to function without the person before they make the real and final decision to break up. i have done this myself, and it's had nothing to do with seeing if there was something better out there. it was simply a way of making sure that this was someone that i missed enough to warrant staying in the relationship. i've been on the receiving end of this as well, so i know how painful it can be. i hope you're taking care of yourself and remembering that you deserve only the best.

    on the flip side, i do have a good friend who 'took a break' for an entire summer at her boyfriend's request. they both dated other people, and eventually they came back together and he stopped dragging his feet about getting married. now they are still married years later and have one child.

     
    Old 06-06-2005, 08:17 PM   #12
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    Cool Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    Hello all. EVY & SCRUFFY GUY I liked your posts.

    This sort of situation happened to me last yr in early Sept.

    The guy had even said he loved me, then said he was confused. So I gave him his space. He came back in November 2004, then he came back again in December 2004. I realized then that he was too confused for my liking (we never lived together ever) and found someone who wanted a full time gf but now I don't want him anymore because he has controlling and abusive tendancies.

    WELL the whole time I was with the new bf the old guy who was confused in 2004 wanted to see me again from mid January 2005 and when we got back together in April 2005 everything was fine for awhile now he is starting to back off AGAIN.

    I realize today that this guy has commitment issues that have NOTHING to do with me and good luck to him.

    Life is sure interesting. That is a given.

    Good Luck to all.

    From someone in Canada

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 10:09 AM   #13
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I got married at 19 and divorced when I was 21 and started dating him around that same time. I always told myself I would never do that again. It wasn't til about 4 years ago that I even told him I loved him. For a long time, I didn't think he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with even though he is an amazing guy. I think I just had extremely cold feet from the divorce. Everyone kept asking me what I would do if he ever gave me an ultimatum, I always told them that he would NEVER do something like that but if he did I would have to leave. I just wasn't ready and nothing he could say or do was going to make me ready, only time. We both own our own houses and see each other usually only on the weekends because of our work schedules but I could not image EVER loving someone more. We have such a great time together even doing absolutely nothing. He is just an all out amazing guy and patient to boot. When people ask him when he is going to pop the question, he always tells them that he figured when I was ready that I would ask him. I love him for that. We have an incredible relationship. We tell each other absolutely everything and I don't feel like there is any point in changing things for a simple piece of paper. He would love nothing more than for me to move in with him and lately I have been giving it more and more thought but you can't imagin how terrific it is having this wonderful guy that doesn't pressure me--makes me love him even more, if that is even possible. Take it from someone who swore they would never take the marriage plunge again, it takes time, and the more patient you are with him, the better.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 10:41 AM   #14
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    HI guys,

    Update: well its been a week and I've had no contact but I'm wondering if possibly I could call him just to hang out (no talk) to make him feel comfortable. I'm should he'd like to calll but might be too afraid or thinks he totally needs to know his answer. What do you suggest?

    Lynne

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 11:00 AM   #15
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    Re: He's need "space"-taking a break does it ever work? Please give your exper.

    If he had missed you, I think he would have called by now. I'm sorry. I think if I were you, I'd refocus my energies on myself. He'll call if and when he starts missing you. I'm beginning to believe he may have taken the cowards way of breaking up with you.
    evy

     
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