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  • boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

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    Old 06-11-2005, 10:31 AM   #16
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Hi Piranna,

    Wow, you have gotten some very wise advice here recently...Blueeyes and Goody definitely know what they're talking about, and I think the best advice always comes from people who have been through the same thing. I understand what you're saying about the problems with his family being worse because he's living there, and I hope you are able to put physical distance between him and his parents ASAP. That should help, but unfortunately, family always plays a role in each other's lives; it's unavoidable. I think Goody hit upon a really important point: your fiance can't choose his family or change how they are, but he can decide whether or not he is going to make them his main priority forever, or if he will start acting in the best interests of his new family with you once you get married. I know it's not smart to expect things to magically change or improve after marriage...I mean that you really need to find out where he stands if and when it comes down to having to choose between you and his family. I realize you aren't going to make him do that in the sense of cutting off all contact with them, but there are going to be issues and conflicts that arise in which he will have to decide who is his main priority.

    Unfortunately, many men never learn to cut the cord, especially from their moms, and the other women in their life are always their second (at best) priority after family and mom. That is what killed my last relationship...I just absolutely hated the way many of my ex's family members were clearly resentful of our happiness and insulated little life that didn't include anyone else. They were evil and manipulative in putting their own interests before my ex's and being willing to sabotage his chance at happiness and independence in order to maintain complete control over everything he does. But despite their frequent manipulative efforts to cause problems between us, my ex refused to ever take my side; at best he would remain neutral. It became clear, much as I hated to see it, that no woman would ever come between him and his family, and since his family firmly opposes anyone who would take him out of their home and present competition for total control over his life, I really doubt he's going to have much success when it comes to relationships. It was so weird how my family was so enthusiastic and supportive of our relationship--maybe because I've had other long-term relationships--but my ex's family was lukewarm toward me at best. He had never had a serious girlfriend who they met, and it was obvious from the start that they viewed me as a threat and as competition because he lived with me and was closer to me than them, and they just were unwilling to allow someone else to come first in his life. They eventually succeeded in tearing us apart because my ex was unwilling to take a stand in favor of our relationship.

    So in my view, Piranna, a lot depends on whether or not your fiance is willing to put you first and firmly resolve to not allow his family drama to infringe upon your relationship with him. Some men with difficult families are strong and loving enough to do this, like Tom , but many others feel like they need to be primarily loyal to their family, above all else. It troubles me a little that during your discussion about his mom's health, he told you that she would always come first. That is not a good sign when the mother is as selfish, conniving, and toxic as his mom is, but hopefully that wasn't meant as an indication of where his loyalties ultimately lie. I do know that you will have a very difficult time maintaining a relationship with your fiance if he isn't willing to take a stand and make it clear to his family that you are his first priority, and so I hope you can get an idea of how he feels about putting your relationship ahead of all his other relationships. If he can't or won't do that, I'd be seriously concerned that his family will eventually destroy your respect for him and end your relationship. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but it is important to know where you stand before you make any decisions about marriage. I know how hard it is to love someone and have external influences causing such a strain on your relationship, but it is possible to survive these obstacles if you are both committed to making your relationship work no matter what. I really hope your fiance is this way, and that everything works out great for you two, but I also think you'd be smart to be cautious about being legally tied to any lazy, selfish criminals who bleed other people dry without a second thought.

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    Old 06-11-2005, 10:42 AM   #17
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Please be VERY sure where you stand with his family before you even consider marriage.

    With some families there is no winning. If he doesn't take your side that's a bad sign obviously. If he DOES take your side they will blame you for "turning him against them".

    I have 2 sister-in-laws who hate me and one brother-in-law who hits on me when he's been drinking. My MIL & FIL love me - except that I didn't give them and their favoite son any children which they mention in passing from time to time.

    If I knew that 15 yrs later I would dread holidays I would have managed to create an out-of-town family I would visit every year.

    If I knew that my in-laws would steal from me (credit rating, cash, loans) I would have thought VERY long and hard before getting married to their son...

    Old 06-11-2005, 08:12 PM   #18
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    I would like to point out something...

    I have read my fair share of threads for over a year and there are some posters in here that offer some brilliant advice. I always pay attention to what these people have to say when I see their names and there are SEVERAL posting to you on this thread! I cannot express enough that you are getting advice from the "big guns", the "heavy hitters", the "cream de la cream"! You lucky girl!!!

    Pay are too smart not too.

    Old 06-11-2005, 11:43 PM   #19
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Thank you all Very much again for more advice. I do agree this has all been wonderful points of view and input that I have needed. My stomach has been a mess and this is where i have been coming like crazy!

    I already figured the dr. story about what they told her was some b.s. Granted she did see a doctor I figured it would be totally un-professional to say what she said the doc told her! My boyfriend ment that his mothers health came first. (yeah I know scary thought but if my mom was gonna "die" i'd say the same too i think).

    Like one of you mentioned snails i think? About dating a guy in the past whose family you knew you'd never be able to come between ect. I dated a guy like that once. infact his mom, sister, aunt siblings ect hated me. And I didnt want that.

    I am thinking heavily about talking more with him about this over time. About who comes first (good point again all of you). I dont want to drop it on him like a box of bricks. But I too can see his mothers manipulative behaviour. And that is what I thought as soon as I heard the latest news, like other mentions I figured it was to draw attention away from the credit card issue! I have been thinking a lot lately and I almost said something to him today about how this is making me upset and I need to see him keep on them. But I decided I would wait till she see's a "real" specialist and gets some real test results if I hear its not threatening ect I will be on his case about most of what you have all mentioned.

    I told my mom the same thing a lot of you have mentioned in here. Neither one of my parents have voiced any concern about the situation taking place. They both really like my fiance.And both feel the way I do about this...kinda sick and upset with his mother but wouldnt think to say anything bad about her. Both would like too see me push up the wedding (no way no how) infact his mom and sister were pushing for that not to long ago as well.

    It seems to me it's a lot easier for my fiances mom to take "advantage" of him when he is at home, when he lived in an apartment with a buddy of his for the past year i bet you we seen his family about....5 times (Money wasnt an issue then though I guess since they had his credit cards).

    I heard today that his mom called her mom and told her all about what the doctor told her. You know what my fiances Grandma told his mom...."the doctor is full of crap if he told you that he had no business telling you that without even checking you this and that" I guess she pretty much told her no way no how. Which I was thrilled to hear because she NEEDED to hear that!! Someone that would tell her what THEY think and how it really went!

    I tell yah I know you all have my brain thinking like crazy. And i will voice some of this concern to my fiance. His payment date with this credit card assistance company has been pushed to later in the month...his parents dont know that and they already made a payment so my boyfriend isnt going to tell them about the date change. And as soon as the beginning of next month comes they'll think it has to be in sooner then they know!

    Thanks again all of you for the great advice it has been much needed and very helpful!

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