It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Should I just leave him alone?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 06-09-2005, 09:19 AM   #61
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson ~ This is just one of those times that you just have to see yourself as the better person. I suggest that we finally answer the question in the title of your thread.....

    Yes, Crimson, you should just leave him alone. He is not the type of friend you want to have, one who portrays himself deceivingly and lacks respect for you as well as his wife. You deserve a better friend than that!!!!

    I don't quite think an email or any words can give a clearer message than your silence and lack of respose to him. He doesn't even deserve so much as a glance his way from you and this will speak volumes more than any words you may have to say.

    I don't think that this is totally a loss for you, Crimson. In fact, you have learned quite a bit on how to take a risk at getting to know somebody and gaining the confidence you need to approach somebody you find attractive. Unfortunately it was just the wrong guy. Next time I am sure you will do better. I personally enjoyed following your growth on this thread. You are an intelligent, beautiful young woman and please do not allow his lack of integrity to dim your vision of yourself. You are still the wonderful person you were before you even met him who has alot more going for her than he does right now in terms of dignity and integrity. Good luck and please keep us posted on how you are doing......Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-09-2005 at 09:30 AM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 06-09-2005, 05:15 PM   #62
    CrimsonClover
    Senior Member
     
    CrimsonClover's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Posts: 235
    CrimsonClover HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you so much, everyone. You are right : I should not be blaming myself. I was careful, I took it slowly, I behaved like a lady all the way and did not throw myself at him Ė but it still hurts. I wanted to believe that he was different Ė that, for once, Iíd met a good man. But I was wrong; this is why I feel stupid. Like I should have known better.

    I still havenít replied to his latest e-mail. Iíll take the week-end to think about this whole mess. Well, at least now I know why he always writes to me from workÖ

    To answer your question, Sophia : Iím really wondering when he was planning on telling me, but I didnít even have to ask - the "revelation" came courtesy of Annoying Girl. We were in class and the teacher was talking about how some people choose family over education (or vice-versa) and how going back to school can cause problems in a marriage. And AG asked you-know-who : "How does YOUR wife feel about it?" His reply : "Well, itís only one night a week." End of the story. I pretended I hadnít heard anything upsetting, but inside I was screaming. And I havenít spoken or even looked at him since.

    Iím so disappointed. If he hadnít taken it as far as he did, we could have salvaged the friendship. Honestly, we clicked so perfectly right from the start, it was amazing. I donít want to hate him, but itís hard.

    I donít want to be his midlife crisis fling; Iím not a homewrecker. Why didnít he go for some bimbo who wouldnít even have cared that heís married, instead of a good girl like me? Bigger challenge? Since heís not even getting what he wants, I just donít get it.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 05:26 PM   #63
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Go ahead and hate him, then forget him. He deserves nothing more. Don't email him back, he doesn't deserve your time either. Don't be his doormat or his therapist. You've made enormous strides, as others have told you, this year. He was a practice man, who wants to waste the good ones on practice anyway. Now you are ready for the "real" thing. You go girl.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 06:54 PM   #64
    LittleRose1982
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    LittleRose1982's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 725
    LittleRose1982 HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson,
    Oh honey I am so sorry!! What a creep! And what if AG hadn't made that comment... he would still be flirting and leading you on. I'm with Evy- go right ahead and hate him! You shouldn't feel stupid. The only thing you should feel is PITY for his poor WIFE!!
    You knew there was a chance of this happening when you took the steps you took. And remember me telling you that no matter what happens you will come out of this having conquered a huge fear of yours? Well you did it! You just bumped yourself up a notch on the courage scale, and that is something to be very proud of!! So the guy's a jerk... at least you made yourself a stronger person through the whole ordeal!

    I'm sure everyone here will agree with me that I'm very proud of you for everything you've done and for stopping the communication with him after hearing the news. Next time you want to talk to a guy, it's going to be that much easier! I hope you won't get discouraged from this incident and be afraid to talk to a guy again... Don't let that idiot ruin it for you! YOu're stronger and braver now!!

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 08:24 PM   #65
    libra02
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    libra02's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 20
    libra02 HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Like I had said earlier and also what everyone else is saying, you are SO much more confident than you were when this started, although I know it hurts like h*ll right now, you will come out of this a much stronger person. Maybe it happened so that the next guy that you have your eyes on might just be "the one" and now that you have some practice, it won't be so hard for you to approach him.

    We're all thinking about you

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 05:31 PM   #66
    CrimsonClover
    Senior Member
     
    CrimsonClover's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Posts: 235
    CrimsonClover HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you once again, everyone. Your words make me feel better; but Iím still very confused.

    Do I really have to cut off all contact with him? Because Iíve started drafting a reply to his e-mail. Here is how I see it : the semester will be over soon, and our class is very difficult. I donít need this unpleasantness to comprise my final. So I think I should just play it cool until I donít have to see him anymore - but not totally ignore him.

    Plus thereís always a chance we might end up in another class together in the future. Does that mean I should arrange my schedule around avoiding him? I donít think so. Iíll just tell him to drop the "kisses" and flirting. Frankly, Iím curious to see how he will react. If he gives me the standard sob story about how the little wifey doesnít understand him and he doesnít love her anymore and theyíre only staying together for the kids, then Iíll know heís full of it.

    BTW, youíre right, Rose : maybe I should actually be thanking Annoying Girl! Although I strongly suspect that she was actually asking for herself.

    As for "the next one" : to be honest, the very thought of another man even glancing in my direction makes me want to vomit, right now. I hope it wonít take me months or even years to get over this. I donít recover very quickly.

    For the record: Iím sick of waiting for "The One". He does NOT exist. I should just rent an apartment at Spinster City next to Patty and Selma and embrace my promising future as Crazy Neighborhood Cat Lady already.

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 08:57 AM   #67
    LittleRose1982
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    LittleRose1982's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 725
    LittleRose1982 HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CrimsonClover

    For the record: Iím sick of waiting for "The One". He does NOT exist. I should just rent an apartment at Spinster City next to Patty and Selma and embrace my promising future as Crazy Neighborhood Cat Lady already.
    ... and die alone in your apartment and have your cat eat half your face before anyone finds you?! (Sex and the City reference...) LOL!

    CC I know you don't really feel this way. I know you're just venting because you're upset and you have every right to be. I have faith that you will soon realize you don't mean these words.
    Do you know how many times I have said this? And my friends have said this? Yes, you feel this way now but it's a part of the magic. The best part is never knowing when you're going to be walking down that lonely road of self-pity, hanging your Spinster head low with sadness, and you'll trip over something amazing that you never saw coming. Think about it: I'm sure there are times you experienced something so incredible and you wish every day that you could jump back in time and re-live it. Well think about the day before that thing happened. Think about the 5 minutes before that thing happened. Did you have any idea you were going to be walking into something so wonderful? Don't you now wish that you could jump back in time to those previous 5 minutes-- the precise time you thought there was no hope and life had let you down???
    I guess what I'm trying to say is that something is waiting for you out there that you can't see. And while you plan your life as a Crazy Cat Lady, you're getting closer and closer to it. Once it happens, you'll be wishing on every star in the sky that you could jump back in time to RIGHT NOW... when you had no idea what was in store for you!!
    So enjoy "right now" while it's here!

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 11:30 PM   #68
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
    ... and die alone in your apartment and have your cat eat half your face before anyone finds you?! (Sex and the City reference...) LOL!

    CC I know you don't really feel this way. I know you're just venting because you're upset and you have every right to be. I have faith that you will soon realize you don't mean these words.
    Do you know how many times I have said this? And my friends have said this? Yes, you feel this way now but it's a part of the magic. The best part is never knowing when you're going to be walking down that lonely road of self-pity, hanging your Spinster head low with sadness, and you'll trip over something amazing that you never saw coming. Think about it: I'm sure there are times you experienced something so incredible and you wish every day that you could jump back in time and re-live it. Well think about the day before that thing happened. Think about the 5 minutes before that thing happened. Did you have any idea you were going to be walking into something so wonderful? Don't you now wish that you could jump back in time to those previous 5 minutes-- the precise time you thought there was no hope and life had let you down???
    I guess what I'm trying to say is that something is waiting for you out there that you can't see. And while you plan your life as a Crazy Cat Lady, you're getting closer and closer to it. Once it happens, you'll be wishing on every star in the sky that you could jump back in time to RIGHT NOW... when you had no idea what was in store for you!!
    So enjoy "right now" while it's here!
    That was just PERFECT, LittleRose! Nobody could have said it better.

    Crimson, please don't let this disappointing experience determine the choice of a location for your next apartment (Spinster City is definitely NOT for you!), and forget about all these felines for now. You are Waay too young and have waaaay too much to offer to the great SINGLE guy who, just like Rose said, could be just around the corner.

    As for the married guy, well, it's not like he had an affair with you and then heartlessly dumped you (arent' you relieved nothing like that happened?), so I think your plan to tell him to drop the "kisses" and flirting since he's married, and to continue a merely class-related interaction with him is a good plan. Remember he is not the only man in the universe and even the fact he was attracted to you means you are an attractive woman and there will be other cute, SINGLE men who will for sure find you desirable and want to be with you!

     
    Old 06-13-2005, 09:06 AM   #69
    CrimsonClover
    Senior Member
     
    CrimsonClover's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Posts: 235
    CrimsonClover HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you once again, Rose and Sophia!

    Oh, believe me, I know that "dying alone" quote from SATC! Iíd never really thought about it that way until I saw the episode - and, instead of making me laugh, it scared me to death!

    I get what you are saying, Rose, and you put it beautifully Ė and Iím trying to look at it that way too. But, when hope is all you have and it keeps getting ripped away from you, it gets so much harder to believe that something great awaits in your future. You canít even SEE a future anymore.

    If there WERE any cute single guys out there, I would have found one by now. Either they donít exist or they hate me; only the engaged and married ones like me. I must have a sign on my forehead that says "please lead me on".

    Yes, Sophia, of course Iím glad we didnít have an affair; but I wouldnít have gone for that. Though I can see how it might be tempting to be "the other woman". Seriously, what do I get out of being good? Nothing but loneliness, bitterness and pain. But donít worry, Iím not about to join the Dark Side!

    All Iím saying is that Iím sure his wife wouldnít want to trade places with me. She got to marry him and have his babies. And she gets to kiss him and hold him and make love to him anytime she wants - while I hug my pillow and cry myself to sleep.

    Anyway. I just sent Married Guy my e-mail reply; business as usual, except for the polite "drop it". I have no idea how he will react Ė and Iím seeing him tonight, so Iím kind of nervous. I wish I could skip the remaining 2 classes, but I canít afford to. My grades are more important than him.

     
    Old 06-13-2005, 09:31 AM   #70
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CrimsonClover
    Yes, Sophia, of course Iím glad we didnít have an affair; but I wouldnít have gone for that. Though I can see how it might be tempting to be "the other woman". Seriously, what do I get out of being good? Nothing but loneliness, bitterness and pain. But donít worry, Iím not about to join the Dark Side!
    Crimson, I KNOW you wouldn't got as far as to have an affair with a married man; you have too much integrity for that! I just meant him having an "affair" with you without telling you he's married. It's good at least that didn't happen because you would be even more devastated.

    As for feeling discouraged and like you're almost being 'punished' for being a good person, believe me, I have often felt this way myself! Relationships are increasingly complicated nowadays and people are often confused and don't have a clear understanding of what they want, etc. It's just the world we live in. I have a broken engagement in my past and some other extremely painful things, so I definitely know what you're going through. We just have to believe that things will get better and as long as we're alive and don't own any cats--the future may not be so bleak after all

    Reading the stories of some of the members of this board gives me hope that being a good and compassionate person WILL eventually be rewarded and that wonderful things, including a loving and satisfying relationship, will come to us in their own time. Hopefully soon!

     
    Old 06-14-2005, 07:47 AM   #71
    CrimsonClover
    Senior Member
     
    CrimsonClover's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Posts: 235
    CrimsonClover HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    See, Sophia : I already have 2 cats Ė therefore, I really AM doomed!

    Thanks for your kind words; I know you understand my situation better than most. I do try to find inspiration on this board (and others), but sometimes I just feel like giving up. I feel so tired and empty Ė because those happy endings seem to be for everyone else. Like you said, I do feel like Iím being "punished" for being good Ė while so many people out there donít deserve or at least appreciate the great things they have.

    But then, Iím still young, healthy and smart Ė so itís not over yet. Bottom line : yes, we both deserve to find great men Ė and SOON!

    In the meantime, you-know-who has replied to my message. And I am pulling my hair out. No "Kisses, xxx", this time; but he wrote : "Just a tiny peck on the cheek Ė is that OK?" (followed by a super-happy smiley)

    I feel like asking him "Does your WIFE think itís OK?!", but I donít want to be a witch. I really wish I could ask him what his intentions are exactly Ė as if he would be honest, anyway.

    Part of me still wants to believe that heís good and we could be friends; but the rest of me wants to scream "Stop wasting my time and energy already!"

    So what do I do now? Do I tolerate the "peck"? Iíll never see him again after next week, so Iíd rather end it gracefully.

     
    Old 06-14-2005, 08:40 AM   #72
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CrimsonClover
    But then, Iím still young, healthy and smart Ė so itís not over yet. Bottom line : yes, we both deserve to find great men Ė and SOON!
    AND extremely funny, don't forget that! I was laughing so hard about the two cats

    I know, so many people seem to just "fall into" great relationships without any effort on their part, and some don't even appreciate what they have. It always boggles my mind. But our turn is coming, Crimson, I'm telling you it is

    As for you-know-who, I wouldn't waste my energy on getting into any long-winded discussions about his marriage and what his intentions are. He's probably just a big flirt (and slightly bored with everyday life wiht his wife). A lot of married guys are, unfortunately. My previous boss was a huge flirt, too, but I just treated his advances with a grain of salt. They were mildly amusing to me. I just ignored innuendos like that and wouldn't give him any "fuel," you know. Since you have only a couple of classes left with him and then you might not see him again at all, I would probably not bother with any aggrevations; just end it on a neutral note and that's it. You don't even have to reply to his email, but if you do, write something generic and formal like "It was nice to have a class with you. Enjoy the summer with your family." After that, I wouldn't communicate with him at all. There are plenty of single guys out there!

     
    Old 07-21-2005, 01:45 PM   #73
    Shakira
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Shakira's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2002
    Posts: 547
    Shakira HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Have you seen him since, Crimson?

     
    Old 07-25-2005, 03:38 PM   #74
    CrimsonClover
    Senior Member
     
    CrimsonClover's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Posts: 235
    CrimsonClover HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Hi Shakira!

    Wow, I thought my thread was long dead! Thanks for caring so much.

    No, I haven't seen him since the semester ended, about a month ago - but he did e-mail me again...

    So I think I will start a new thread, since this one has been going on for months. Just let me get my thoughts together, OK? - CC

     
    Old 07-25-2005, 03:52 PM   #75
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson, I was curious if anything new transpired with him too. Though he's not really worth your energy since he's already taken anyway. Have you met anyone else who sparked your interest since? I hope you did or that you will very soon, and that this time it will be the real thing!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Should I just forgive and forget? stayd2lng4u Relationship Health 67 09-30-2008 12:07 PM
    I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do.. ilikekimchee Mental Health 7 08-24-2007 09:20 AM
    Should I marry girl with bioploar? musashi Bipolar Disorder 36 07-25-2006 11:48 PM
    Hould I fight or leave her alone? fromlondon Relationship Health 11 05-26-2005 09:09 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:09 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!