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    Old 06-06-2005, 02:37 PM   #16
    troubled_teen12
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    This morning I weighed 116.4 lbs... I've been trying to eat a little more, and I just keep telling myself (like you said you did) saying that I wont worry about what I eat, and that I'll eat at least like 800 calories or something, but then I do eat something, and I feel terrible about eating... so terrible.. I'll skip meals and burn off more calories than I ate for the day... stuff like that.. I'm trying to get better though, I really am.. but sometimes its just... I dunno.. sometimes I feel in control and sometimes I don't. I have this idea in my head that 600 calories (before exercising) is unacceptable....I just don't know what to do anymore.. I mean, I dunno.. My parents told me to stop trying to lose weight, becuase they think I'm eating at least 1250 (which is how much my calorie counter says I have to eat to lose weight). So, they think I should increase my calories to 1600, which is to maintain my current weight, but... I dont even eat 1000 a day! I can't.. my friend wants me to gradually increase my calorie intake until it gets to my "calorie goal" for maintaining a weight... I mean, I guess I haven't been only eating 300 calories lately, but... I'm not eating even 800. maybe this isn't as bad as it sounds.. ya know?

    You know how I said I was on my period, and I didn't know if that made me hungrier? Well.. it seems like i've been so hungry lately.. but instead of actually eating when I'm hungry, i'll do the "chew & spit" thing.. its so gross, but.. I can't eat everytime I'm hungry!

    My best friend, the only person I've told about this (besides this message board), she is very supportive. I mean, I know that she is worried about me, and I know that I scare her sometimes, but I know that she is always here for me, and that she wants me to get better. We went shopping the other night, it was so bad.. well, she was hungry and wanted something to eat, so I said okay lets go, but by the time I got there I was like no I don't need to eat. She tried to encourage me to, but didn't like force me or anything. She even lied for me in the car when my parents asked what I ate.. (they're always asking me that now..). *sighs*. I just don't want to burden her or anything. But I'm glad that she's here for me. I just don't want to hurt my best friend.

    I live in the US. Our exams are called EOC's. I know how you feel. It was so hard for me to concentrate on my exams when I took them! It was so difficult... and yes, I am constantly tired.. Like all the time.. I'll try to do something, and now even exercising is a struggle because I get tired so much more easily.

    I exercise by walking 4.0 mph on my treadmill, and running for usually at least 1 hour everyday. I also go swimming and sometimes do aerobics videos. I think that one day I walked for 1 1/2 hours and ran for a mile all at once.. My mom thinks its excessive but. I dunno. it's not like I exercise like that everyday. It's not really "strenuous" or anything.

    Wow, it feels good to have someone to talk to about this, who understands exactly what I'm going through.

     
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    Old 06-06-2005, 05:55 PM   #17
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kittywitty
    Eating disorders take on many forms. You don't have to be skin and bones to be anorexic or bulimic..



    This is very true i put in a post before i have never lost weight being bulimic the truth is i dont even know how it started. i am not even unhappy with my weight just how i see myself i am 5'3 109 lbs and i cant stop.

     
    Old 06-06-2005, 06:55 PM   #18
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bjd24
    This is very true i put in a post before i have never lost weight being bulimic the truth is i dont even know how it started. i am not even unhappy with my weight just how i see myself i am 5'3 109 lbs and i cant stop.
    For me, it's control. Whenever I'm upset about something that I have absolutely no control over, I turn to my ED. I start on my path of thinking that the only thing I can control is my weight. I'm not really overweight (5'5 135) but it aggravates me that I can't knock off the extra 5lbs I've gained from a bcp.

     
    Old 06-08-2005, 07:04 AM   #19
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    Question Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Maybe that's what i want.. to be in control of something....

     
    Old 06-08-2005, 08:30 AM   #20
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by troubled_teen12
    Maybe that's what i want.. to be in control of something....

    It's very possible. What's your home life like? Are your parents controlling?

     
    Old 06-08-2005, 09:03 AM   #21
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Heya, sorry I havent posted in a couple of days, ive been soooo busy! I weighed myself this morning and I weigh - 93lbs eeekkkkk! My goal weight to stay at was 91lbs and i'm now 2lbs over! it doesn't sound alot but to me it sucks!
    I now definatly know what you mean about being hungry on your period! But its not like im really hungry, I just end up going to the fridge and eating ice cream even if I dont want to, I just do it without thinking. Yestaday I ate a bowl of cereal (Bran Flakes) which is roughly 154 cals but I then burnt it off. And then I skipped lunch because I was having an exam but when I got home, I ate SO much chocolate ice cream it was UNBELIEVABLE! and didnt have time to burn it off because I went to my boyfriends house! There I ate a small bit of pasta salad at his house which I guess isn't too bad because I only had a really little bit. But I got so hungry after, that he gave me two candy bars which I DIDNT refuse! BIG MISTAKE! I couldn't even eat one in front of him so I hid it and ate in the bathroom i was THAT hungry its soooooo bad!

    Then today. I had a bowl of Bran Flakes as usual. I went to my exam and the weather was really really hot!!!! (well hot for england any ways.) and so me and my friend went to get an icecream from the shop so I had a marsbar ice cream (My fav ) and also a candy bar !!!!! Then if the worst wasnt the worst!!!!!! My friend came over and said did we want to eat his chips he had brought from the shop so we shared them!!!! GOSH!
    Now i'm just about to go have my tea Mum has cooked, dunno what it is yet, but im going to try and not eat too much of it, I just get caried away when I see food for me to eat, I feel SOOOO guilty (Like you say you do) after eating something! I honestly feel really bad for eating those chips! Urgh I feel like a fat pig!

    I think the control idea that was said just before my post is a really interesting theory for me!! I was talking to my boyfriend yestaday and he was getting annoyed because I wasn't paying enough attention to him and was always distracted with other friends at school. Which is true because I dont really talk to him much at school. and so we started having an argument and he said he wanted me to commit more to him, and let him in all of my life instead of part of it. And I kept thinking I want something to myself, and sometimes I feel everyone is controlling MY life. My parents are always telling me to revise for exams and are always TRYING to monitor what I eat, etc etc. and I dont have time to do what I want to do!

    Dont get me wrong though, my family is well layed back I just get over stressed! I can go out and have fun and my parents arn't that strict. But they still control what I can and can't do!
    I never want to upset my boyfriend so i'm always thinking about what will make him happy and what will upset him!
    But somethings I want to do what i want to do!
    So I guess my eating problem.....I can control! I can increase, decrease it. Start it Stop it (though not for long) and...well....do what ever I want with it! It makes me feel good (if I don't eat anything) and lets me get away from things!
    What do you think about that?
    Do you feel the same?

    Post back
    Im alwayz here
    Love ya
    Hannie xxx

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 07:06 AM   #22
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    That's exactly how it was for me last week. I just got out of school last friday. But last week we had exams all week, so. I would like, eat breakfast (either special k cereal or a bagel) and then go to school and skip lunch cause of exams and stuff, and (i was on my period the end of last week) whenever I came home, I was like ready to eat everything in sight! It was crazy. And what drew my attention was ice cream, like you said for you too. Even though I wasn't really REALLY hungry or anything part of the time, I just wanted to eat, and whenever I saw the ice cream in teh freezer I would like have to have some. It was crazy. I ate so much at once right before my period that I felt so sick and terrible. I was talking to my mom about being more hungry on your period and she said that some people are, and that like when she's on hers she wants lots of chocolate and stuff. I guess its like from all of the "raging hormones" and stuff like that, that makes you so hungry and wanting everything that's fattening and stuff.

    Since I've gotten off of mine, I think that I'm in more control than I was on my period. I'm not like running to the fridge every hour to eat icecream or something. lol. I just don't wanna gain wait or anything, i'm terrified of gaining weight.. ugh..

    My mom took me shopping yesterday, because I'm going away to this camp for a month over the summer and I needed some dress clothes for when we go out certain places and stuff, and when I was trying them on, I'd come out and my mom would say I looked great, but i'd look in the mirror and always find something wrong with what I was wearing.. either the shirt was too tight and you could see my fat, or it made me look fat, and I just felt terrible. I felt so ugly and fat and.. It was just depressing. Shopping used to be like, my thing, but now.. its like I hate trying on clothes and shopping.

    It seems like everytime I eat or drink or something I feel so fat afterwards, and like my stomach is just sticking out and that i'm soo.. ugh..I feel so fat all the time. Why? people keep telling me that i'm skinny, or that i'm not fat or whatever, but.. I see myself that way, and it feels like I am fat. So then I sit there thinking that everyone is lying to me and.. its just depressing.

    I know how you feel. it feels like everyone is controlling my life too, or trying to control my life. I honestly don't know if that's what this is about for me, being in control. I'm really not sure.. I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, and i've always had very low self esteem. When I was late 14/early 15 I had really severe cystic acne, and it was really bad. I always felt bad about myself, like my face, never my weight or anything and..then I went on Accutaine in the middle of my freshman year, and my face cleared up a lot, but not completely. But, by the time I was 16 it was looking pretty good. So, I don't know if acne has just really affected the way I feel and see myself. It's also very hard to please my parents, cause I feel like they are never proud of me, or happy that i'm their daughter. I mean, I could always do better in like everything I do, and they are never proud of me. It just hurts sometimes, when I try so hard and they just don't care. Well, they might, but.. I dunno.

    So, what are you going to do about your boyfriend? Are you going to try to commit more to him? It sounds normal and everything, cause that's what my friends boyfriends always say and stuff. I dunno though. I hope things work out with you guys though.

    I think I feel the same way you do. I feel so good when I don't eat, or if I don't eat a lot of calories for one day. And.. like having this little secret about my eating problem, and knowing that i can control it.. and that no one else knows and can't stop me.. I don't know.. its a wierd and complicating feeling. Veeeery confusing...

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 09:32 AM   #23
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    Re: what attually is annorexia?

    Hey huni,
    Tis is my second time at writing this post hehe because I sent the last one and pressed the wrong button and it deleated it URGH so ive gotta now try and remember what I wrote .....*sigh*

    Yeh,... I guess I have to commit more to my boyfriend, i dont want to loose him..... i think its more of a boy hormine thing which makes him angry with me and I dont see why.....tho i should pay more attention to him, because im always preoccupied with other friends and with my problems and dont really pay any attention to his problems. It sounds really selfish when I spell it out like that but its true all I think about is this eating thing!

    Tooday I have been quite good (for me) on the eating front! I had a bowl of Bran Flakes before my exam and then went into town with 2 of my friends...they were buying baguettes and salads ad things and so I brought a very small pasta salad......I think thats pretty good because I only filled the tub up 1/4-1/2 full! .... i was tempted by sandwiches and chocolate and baguettes etc etc but I held my self back YEY!
    And we were sat at the park and the ice cream man cam onto the field.....my friends brought one, and however tempted I was I just put my foot down and said NO!!!!! hehe!
    But on the way home I did give in to a chocolate milkshake....but nothing too bad!
    I haven't had tea yet but I really really really am NOT going to eat alot, ive been proud of myself so far so I need to keep it up!

    O My GOSH! you know I said on my last post (yestaday) that I wasn't going to eat much of my tea which mum cooked well..... I ATE IT ALL!!!!!! There was 5 roast potatoes, and honey carrots, sausages and more! I just thought 'well since its on my plate I might aswell eat it' but I just felt SSOOOOOO BAD afterwards...then.....if that wasn't bad enough I had 1 nutrigrain bar, some more chocolate and some yogurt!
    NEVER AGAIN! NO MORE DAYS LIKE THAT NONONONOONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    about 2 months ago I sprained my ankle and had to go to the doctors.......when I was there he asked me...'have you been loosing weight?' and had to weight me (but I now know that my mum had asked him to talk to me about it because I heard her telling my dad )
    But anyways he wanted me to come back after my exams....so my mum asked me yestaday 'you know the doctor wants you to go back? well do you want to see him or a nutritionalist that my friend goes to?' I DONT WANT TO SEE ANYONE! I guess it might be okay!?! i just dont want them to stop me, Im in the middle of my game! I dunno I might make a thread on it
    Also I was thinking, my exams are over in about 2 weeks, so I have 2 weeks until I have to go to one of them, and in a way I want to look and be really thin for when I go. Is that wrong? Is it bad to think that I want to be stick thin to see a doctor or nutritionalist? Its like I want to prove that im thin so that she/he wont think that im fine! Im so confused about the whole thing and want I should be thinking.

    I was sat at the park with my friends today and there were these girls having a waterfight......one of them was really tall and skinny, she was quite bony but not MAJORLY annorexic....she was really pretty.... but my friends stared at her and said she looked really thin (but also pretty)! I kinda wanted to turn to them and show them that I was really thin but am I? I felt like I had to breathe in to look it, but even then its not that noticable......I even feel that I want to look sickly looking so that It will be more noticable....is that a wrong thing to be thinking? hmmm...!!!

    So ive put a stop to saying 'it'll be ok if I eat alot today' because I say it every day and then never end up starving myself! So thats it no more holding back not eating!

    I know what you mean about the shopping thing! When I come out of the changing rooms now I look at myself in the morror and breathe in to see what the item would look like on if I was skinner.
    Ive stopped listening to what my mum thinks, she has got to the point in where she tells me every thing looks good just to build up my confidence....it doesn't work. ... plus Im very fussy with clothes, maybe because I want to be a fashion designer when im older, so I know what I want to buy!

    My mum has it in her head that I look at too many fashion magazines and so I want to be like the models in there. It is true I look at many many many magazines but I want to be taller....IM SO SHORT...how good would it be if when you ate you could just become taller instead of fatter (lol) but then I guess there would be these really really tall people walking around instead of overweight people or really really short people instead of underweight people...hehe it would be quite amusing!!
    I do want to be a model (though I dont have the height) Ive wanted to be a model since I was 12, im even in an agency but havent had any shoots its soooo frustrating! But I wouldnt say my eating problem as spurred from wanting to be a model or looking at magazines because I dont think about models THAT much and also im more interested in the fashion!

    I also get really bloated after eating or drinking.....apprently its because our bodies are now used to not eating so when we do eat they react funny.....wierd!.......but true!

    Its complicated Stuff!

    How you doin???

    Hannie xxx

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 08:17 PM   #24
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hi Troubled,
    I just started reading your thread tonight and really kinda watched you develop more of an eating disorder through your posts. I'm not a doctor or anything, but that's what it seems like to me. I just want you to know that I totally understand EVERYTHING you're going through. In fact you sound EXACTLY like me when I first started. Some of your first posts sounded like they would've come right out of my mouth! lol. I'm 16 too and have been dealing with ana/mia for almost two years. I've started a thread, but it's kinda done with. My story is really close to yours. In short, I started out thinking that I'm disgusting and need to lose weight, so I started a diet. I first cut out breakfast, then lunch. I had only eaten dinner for like 2 weeks and lost a lot of weight. But then I wanted to eat so bad that I slowly became bulimic. I would throw up sometimes, then every time I ate, then eating just to throw up. Just recently I got back into ana and lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks, which drawed a lot of attention. I started cutting, back in Feb. I would, like you, cut to punish myself for eating (and for other stuff too). I realized that I relate so much to you it's weird. Not to go on and on, but just so you know that you're not alone (I'm sure you already know that) and I'm going through the exact same thing. I'm always here if you wanna talk.

    Last edited by secrets_07; 06-09-2005 at 08:29 PM.

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 07:08 AM   #25
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hannie,

    I really hope that everything works out with you and your boyfriend, but I'm sure it will. Guys just get jeolous when they aren't the complete focus of your attention, ya know? Guys are guys.. lol

    Hmm.. about the nutritionalist and doctor. Why exactly does your mom want you to go? Does she know about your eating and stuff, or do you think she's just worried? My parents are always threatening to send me to someone, like a physciatrist or something when they think I'm not eating enough, but lately they've kind of backed off, its wierd. Sometimes they accuse me of starving myself, or saying that I'm not eating enough on purpose to make myself sick and stuff. But usually I just laugh about it and say "Are you crazy? Do you think I could actually not eat enough?" And then I guess they believe me cause they usually stop talking about it, but I dunno.

    In a few weeks I'm leaving for camp, and I can't wait, not for the experience entirely, but so that I will be so busy that hopefully I wont have any time to eat anything, or just to not eat a lot. Because laying around at home, there is so many temptations, and its so boring at the house... I just do'nt wanna start eating a lot and get like really fat or something. Also, my grandparents are coming to visit, and I'm gonna go camping with some friends in like a week, and I am sooo looking forward to those because I'm thinking.. I can keep myself busy by having lots of fun, and I can say no to food when I'm out, because usually I use the excuse of that food not being in my "diet plan" so I don't eat, and people understand. For some reason its easier for me to say no to food when my friends and family are around, because they all know that i'm dieting and stuff, and sometimes its like I have to prove that I don't eat need to eat a lot, and that I don't have to eat a lot and stuff... its kind of weird.

    Usually like everyday I wear pants that are kind of baggy, and I wear these big hoodies everyday, because I'm insecure about my body, and I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, she's fat" or to laugh at me, or to go and talk to their friends about me and how fat I am. So, for like.. 7 months I've worn hoodies like everyday no matter how hot it is outside or anything. And then since I've been out of school I've been laying around the house in my baggy pajama bottoms and big baggy t-shirts so no one can really "see me" ya know, and when I exercise I wear big old t-shirts, cause I dont want to get my good clothes all smelly and stuff. So, I got dressed for my lessons yesterday and I went downstairs with my instrument and bag ready to go, and my dad was like "gosh, your getting really skinny". My dad has like always been calling me skinny lately. I don't think its because he actually thinks that I am skinny, but because he thinks I have an eating disorder or something. I feel that he's always trying to compromise my dieting and stuff... Anyways, I didn't believe him, and then I went to my lessons, and it was the first time in like 7 months I didn't have a big hoodie on (i wore a jacket though, but it was unzipped) and my instructor was like "Are you eating okay? You look really thin, like you've lost a lot of weight... like 15 lbs or something." It really caught me off guard. I wasn't for sure if he was seriuos, so towards the end of my lessons I asked him if he really meant that and he was saying how I was looking really thin, and he didn't think I needed to lose anymore weight. But how do I know that my dad didn't talk to him and make him say that, or something, ya know? My dad could have told him to say that becasue he thinks I have an eating disorder or something.

    The other day, one of my "friends" was talking to me about how she thought I had lost a lot of weight, and I was starting to look like I was anorexic. She asked me if I was, and I was like, no... and she was like are you sure and stuff. And she kept asking me what kind of diet I had, and how much calories I ate and like, was i eating okay or was I starving myself. She said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but the freaky part is that she hasn't seen me w/o a hoodie in like.. 7 months like everyone else, so how would she know, unless she could tell a lot from my face and my legs. I dunno, for some reason I have this satisfaction in knowing that people think I am smaller and stuff, so I start thinking that maybe if I lose more weight, more people will notice.

    My parents say I need to stop trying to lose weight, because I'm thin enough already or whatever.. So, in order for me to stop losing weight, and maintaining it, I'm supposed to have 1600 calories (according to my weight loss/nutrition calculator) after exercising to maintain my weight.. How am I going to eat 1600 calories? What if I do'nt want to stop losing weight? I dont... I need to lose more weight, I'm still fat, and I need to. Why can't they understand that?

    You know how you said that sometimes you want to be sickly skinny so that people will notice. That's how I feel to, exactly.. I want people to notice, and I want people to think I'm skinny. But no one understands. The only person I've told about my problem is my best friend, and she keeps telling me how it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside and that it doesnt matter if your fat or skinny or ugly or pretty and all this stuff. Sometimes I wonder if she says that because she knows that I am ugly and fat, but she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And she also told me about how every since I"ve started dieting I haven't been happy. Could this be true? I mean.. I've lost over 15 lbs.... and I'm still not happy. Honestly, I'm just not happy.. why? why am I not happy? I am never happy with myself... I am never thin enough, never good enough....*sighs*

    Wow, you're in an agency? That's really cool. I wish I was pretty enough, or skinny enough to do something like that. Good luck with that, I hope it all goes well. Hmm.. so you don't think that your eating problem is caused from you looking at magazines, and wanting to be a model? Maybe not. I dunno. I think my eating problem started with me looking at magazines, and watching shows going "why can't I be like that?" and stuff.. And then eventually all of this bad stuff, and depression happening and me wanting to be in control of something in my life, since I couldn't control losing lots of friends, and loved ones (in death and just leaving to hang out w/ other people).

    Since I've been on break, I've realized that a lot of things have greatly affected me. Losing many of my best friends to boyfriends and other people and the deaths of many loved ones recently and me living far away from my family and me not being happy. I realize that its affected me more than I wanted to admit. And I do realize completely that I am not happy. i always tried to fool myself saying I would be happy if I lost like 5 lbs, but now that i have lost over 15 lbs.. I'm still not happy. What's going on with me??

    From what you've said about like, getting bloated from eating, and if you don't eat, and then eat something you get all bloated. That's how I feel. Like, whenever I eat, or after a meal I feel so fat and nasty, which makes me want to throw up, or starve myself or something. I don't want to get sick from this eating thing, I just want to be skinny... why can't anyone that knows me understand that? I'm just not happy w/ myself at all... I'm ashamed of myself, and that's why i hide under baggy clothes....

    -Troubled

    Secrets_07,

    I wish that you didn't have to go through problems, but sometimes its a comfort to me knowing that I'm not alone in this, and that there are people like me out there, who actually understand what I'm going through or whatever. Thanks for posting, it means a lot. Yea, I don't only cut myself for eating, sometimes its because I feel nothing, no pain, no joy, no happiness, so I have to feel something.. just to know that I'm alive. I used to think that maybe I was cutting myself for attention, because I would always do it on my wrist, but now, I don't because I don't want anyone to know or see.. must not be for attention.. its for me. I've almost got caught on multiple occasions and had to talk my way out of it by saying "oh i tried to pick up my dog and he scratched me" Or, "i tripped in class and scraped my arm on the corner of the table" or something stupid like that. My friends sometimes ask me if i've "done anything bad" lately and I'll say no, lying through my teeth. Because I've told 2 friends about that problem. I just dont want them to worry, and the other friend i have, she like blackmails me practically saying that if I cut myself she'll cut herself, or that she'll starve herself. She's one of those friends thats out for attention, and it was so wierd with her telling me she was anorexic, and all she did was skip lunch for a week, and she kept telling me that, and I was like.. if you only knew what it was like to really have a problem. I learned that she wasn't really anorexic, she was just telling me that so I'd talk to her more and stuff. She's younger than me, 14, and her sister is my best friend, and she knows that... but sometimes I think that she gets upset when I talk to her sister more, even though deep down she knows that her sisters my BESTEST friend, ya know? So she wanted me to talk to her more by telling me that stuff.. it was just kind of weird knowing that I have a problem, and she didn't know, and... oh this made more sense in my head...

    what do you think I should do?

    -Troubled

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 06:21 PM   #26
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hey,
    That's kinda messed up about your friend who would say she's anorexic and stuff just to blackmail you or get attention. I hate when people think that eating disorders are no big deal and play around with them like that or think they're glamorous (sp?). Well, e.d.'s are NOT fun or cool. Sometimes I do enjoy having this secret that nobody can control but me and stuff, and I feel like it's what kinda keeps me going (same with cutting), but really its no life to live. I am the same way with cutting like you. I did think (and still a little do) that I did it for attention, but then I realized that I didn't like it so I cut where people cant see. To make a long story short, I ended up having to see the school social worker because of cutting and eating disorders, so I have to hide stuff. A lot of ****** happened with that! My life gets so hard with ed's b/c no matter what I do I cant stop think about any amount of food that is in me. Or sometimes I feel so great after not eating for a long time, but then there's those times when I'm so hungry (and yes, especially around my period!) and cant stop thinking about eating. It drives me crazy. Like sitting here now is hard because I've just eaten and I want to throw up. These are thoughts that never leave. Like I read your reply post this morning, but knew that I couldn't sit down and write back because I knew that I had a lot to say but I had to throw up. It's hard to explain, but basically it's controlling my life when I think about it. I've used the dog excuse before but most people who ask don't believe me. I guess I made it too obvious, so that's why I moved off my wrists. I'm sorry that I cant give you very good advise with this because I don't really have any. Atleast with the ed's and cutting. But I can totally listen to you and help you as much as I can with the friend thing because I lost my best friend over this stuff and have new friends who are a big part of my life in dealing with all this. I'll fill you in on whatever you want to know, but I gotta go for now. Talk to you later.

    Last edited by secrets_07; 06-12-2005 at 01:11 PM.

     
    Old 06-12-2005, 07:40 AM   #27
    Hannie
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hey hun,

    Yea, my mum sorta knows about this eating problem, or at least she THINKS she knows. She thinks that I eat at school, and eat tea with her and eat breakfast when she makes me, but she knows I will skip it if I get the chance.
    But she couldn't be more wrong. I can't eat at school....however much I try. If I try so hard, ill put food in my mouth and end up spitting it out or take one mouthful, feel sick, and throw the rest away. I just can't bring myself to eat in front of my friends. I don't do it for attention, i hate those people that think they have a problem when they dont (like you said about your best friends sister). I hate it that people can sit and complain that they arn't eating to get comfort from their friends....its PHYFETIC! The fact with me is that I really can't eat infront of them, it makes me feel so horrible, I dont crave for people to notice that im not eating and to ask why, I just dont want to! If I get the chance I will skip any meal possible.
    and I lie to my parents about how much I eat, they think I eat at school but I dont! Ill throw it away or hide it in the cupboard or something!

    Unlike you, I find it MORE difficult NOT to eat infront of my family becasue they end up trying to force feed me, shout at me or ban me from going out etc. etc. Though like you, I find it easier not to eat infront of my friends. If we go out for a meal, I normally order something and then dont eat it. Now they don't really ask why, they might say 'are you going to eat that? and ill just say 'no'. They might ask why but I just say im not hungry and then the subject is dropped.

    I also find it sooo easy not to eat when Im busy.... so thats what I mainly do.....keep my self occupied so I dont have to think about eating.

    I obviously dont no what you look like.....but it sounds to me like you are skinny....you say youv'e lost 15lbs.....WOW! Thats alot to loose. But I know what you mean about not being happy. I always said to myself Ill just loose a couple of pounds under 100 and ill be fine. Now ive lost about 7-8lbs and im not happy....its not as much as 15lbs, but im working on it.
    I also wear really baggy clothes for like 3 weeks while I loose more weight and then when im slightly happier ill wear a tighter top, but no one seems to notice that im skinner.....probably becasue Im NOT!!!!! it frustrates me soooo much that i starve and starve and weigh less and less but still im not thinner!!!!!!!! It's a horride feeling to think that ive done this for so long and there's things coming up like parties and going away where I want to be super thin but there's hardly any time left to get that thin! Yeh ok I might not weigh very much but i look like I weigh more! Its so ANNOYING!

    What does your mum and dad think about you dieting? If my mum knew I was tring to diet I think she would freak out and say i dont need to and try to get me to eat loads....more or less like she is now.

    Maybe you do look really skinny and thats why your instructor noticed.....I surpose it could be your dad telling him, tho is yorur dad and him good friends, because wouldn't it be a little wierd for your dad just to say 'tell her she's looking thin' ? I dunno!?!
    I think if people like your friends really do say that your becoming thinner, sit down with your best friend and say....."look...you keep saying im thin, but I dont know if your telling the truth. Please tell me, do you really honestly think im loosing weight? or am I looking the same as i was." Im sure she will understand if youv'e talked about it before. If its just one friend and you are really close (like you say you are) then im sure she will open up and really tell you the truth. She can see that it will hurt you if she lies. Then you'll know, and you can always tell by someones face if they are lying to you or not!
    It could work!

    I dont get people telling me im looking thin! Becasue really I look no different then I did 4 months ago! I wish I did! at partys I breathe in because i feel toooo fat! Do you ever do that?

    Next weekend I am camping at a festival with my friends, and the only way my dad is letting me go is if I drink this wierd medican reccomended by the nutrtionist! Its horride red stuff which I have to drink twice a day! and I also have to eat 3 meals a day, NO CHANCE! If my dad finds out tho that I havent been eating that much I can't go! I have to really hide it from him coz there is no way I can eat 3 meals a day, im barely eating 1!

    I have the same satisfaction of people saying im looking smaller so I want to eat less!!!! I dont know why!!!! when I first told my friends about the disorder, they told me how they did notice me not eating and stuff, and how they got really worried when I kept throwing my food away, but instead of that helping me, it just made me want to do it even more because it made me feel like maybe I am getting somewhere with it all!!!!

    Again, it almost sounds selfish when I say I want people to notice that im thin, its like I want attention, but thats not how I see it, I wish I didnt have to think about being fat all the time, but I do, and I want people to notice.... I cant STOP thinking about it!

    When I first told my friends at the party, some boys were listening outside the door to the whole convi and then one said to me the next day...
    'Hey I heard that you were crying upstairs at the party about how you dont eat' and laughed at me! I was sooo upset!! The thing is that its noones buisness apart from those who i have told personally! I cant believe someone can laugh at that! and the thing is that ive been trying so hard to avoid looking like a phyfetic girl who is trying to get attention! They dont have a clue what I really go through, they think they have got me all figured out but they no Jack S***!

    Yea, my agency sounds fab! Its nOt! Ive been with them nearly 2 year and I have had NO shoots! its crap! they obviously hate the way I look! it makes me feel s***! and my contract runs out next year! URGH! it really isnt as glamourous as it sounds!

    I remember my first year at secondary school......I think you call it highschool !?! anyways....my best friend was soooo pretty and always outgoing but also really loyal, anyway all the boys loved her, but me....well im quite quiet anyway and didnt talk to many boys, they all made fun of me and I went home crying somedays or just feeling really bad. Still now... apart from my boyfriend, no boys fancy me, or look at me much, some make fun of me still! its horride I hate them, i feel soooo ugly! I wish I could just start over! The thing is, my friends that boys fancy are really out going and can talk to anyone and are really pretty.
    But im just.......ugly!
    I can go around on my own, e.g walk down the corridor or go down to the town on my own and it doesn't bother me! But some people stick to each other so much and dont go out inless they are in a big crowd, and so they get noticed more! I might as well b invisable!
    and my 'friends' never call me. I always end up calling them. It sounds like im such a loner! such a wierdo without anyfriends! They would prefer to do things without me! I feel so alone!

    How you doing today lv?
    Hope ya ok!
    Reply
    Love Hannie xxx

     
    Old 06-13-2005, 08:59 PM   #28
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hey gurl,
    You still around. Just wondering how you're doing. Talk to you later.

     
    Old 06-17-2005, 08:53 AM   #29
    troubled_teen12
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hey guys,
    Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply. As I said before, my family was coming down to visit, and they took me and my sister on vacation, so we were gone for a few days, and then I have been so busy trying to occupy them ya know, and make sure they aren't bored. But they're gone now, but I'm about to go with my friends to the beach for the weekend, so I'll be gone again.

    Anyways, I take back what I said before about it being easier to control what I was eating with my family around, it makes it worse. When I was with my grandparents they kept forcing me to eat, and making me eat every meal and stuff, and they were constantly saying I was starving myself and that I was too thin or whatever. It was really weird, something I didn't expect. I thought I would be happy that people noticed I lost weight, but now I am not so sure. It was really awkward having them force me to eat, and when I didn't eat a lot saying how bad it was and stuff. it was so aggravating! And I was so mad that they kept making me eat stuff. I still ate less than 600 calories (before exercising) but... I dunno.. its so complicating! I've probably gained like 5lbs from eating....ugh.

    But, I'm going with my friends this weekend, so.. maybe it'll be easier for me not to eat. Cause usually in front of them, well, I don't like eating ya know? And.. I dunno.. Or, it could turn out bad and they could like go out and get ice cream and eat a lot of stuff in front of me, and then I'd feel wierd. But I guess I could say no. But I don't want them to think that i have a problem, because only one of the friends going with me knows about my eating stuff. So I don't know what I'm going to do... hmm. I started thinking about how bad I've been with my eating lately, and I was trying to gradually eat a little bit more everyday, but then I just end up feeling bad about it and exercising a ton or not eating a lot the next day. It's so weird. Yesterday I had 725 calories not including calories burned during my 1 hr. 20 min. exercise. I felt terrible! *sighs* the reason is because my dad took me out to eat dinner and I had to get something because he thinks I'm starving myself.. oooooh goodness...it seems like with my family around, they kind of control my eating more than when I'm by myself, because they always, well.. they used to just encourage me to eat, but now they are like forcing me.. its so wierd.

    Well, I have to go finish packing for my trip, but Ill post again when I get back. I hope that things are going well for you guys. Keep me posted!

    -Troubled

     
    Old 06-17-2005, 10:58 AM   #30
    Hannie
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    Re: What actually is Anorexia?

    Hey guys,

    ohhhh gosh I know exactly watcha mean about not being able to control eating around family. If I was around my grandparents they wood force me to eat as well, or ask me soooo many questions about why I am not eating.

    But.....do you think that this experience made you think that maybe starving yourself is really not right thing to do? I mean you said that you thought that u would be happy if people noticed that you had lost weightl....but now your not so sure.
    Could this be a good thing? that your realising starving really isn't all that good and is has far worse problems that come along with it then loosing weight or gaining weight?
    I think for me personally I know its stupid and I can tell myself over and over that im silly for starving myself but I cant stop.....do you feel the same?
    I dont know! Maybe you should just take this as a learning experience, and gradually start to build yourself back up and eat a little bit more..... though yes, i know, its easier said then done *sighs*! what do you think?

    i WISH I could wake up and have at least 1 whole day of not thinking about food!!!! but its stuck in my brain and thats all I can think about.

    Today I went shopping with my friends, and didnt eat breakfast or lunch. They brought these pretzel things.... that are like pretzels but are made with
    dough and you get cheese and stuff on them. (not so common in england, probably more common in america??!!??) but however tempted I was (becoz they did look LUSH) I said no. and my friend was also there who is struggling with a simalar eating problem (though i dont know much about it) didnt eat either so it was easy for me to say no. Now I have just eaten Quinoa and roasted veg, that mum made for tea, and I had a choc milkshake earlier......URGH im sooooo annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!! but i have exercised today but not for long and it was before I drank the milkshake!
    No more food today and I should live lol! Im back to 94lbs again (becasue I ate loads yesterday) im so $£$^%$ off!!!!!!!! I just have to take deep breaths and relax, and since I didnt eat much today I guess ill weigh a little less tomorrow!

    Wow your going away with your mates, to the beach, sounds well kool! how long for? Im going camping over night at a festival with some mates tomorrow should be FAB! I cant wait! though there is a river there and apparently their all taking their bikinis, im a lil sacared to, coz I dont look v.skinny! and i soooo want to be!

    I was eating tea with my mum today and I was talking about these pretzel things that 'i said I had eaten' or she would shout and get cross, and she said 'im glad your being a bit more happy with food now.' I didnt know really what to say, because the truth is im not, im worse then I was when she was worrid! hmmm...... i want to see someone about it and she was going to make me go, which is a good thing, so I dont want her to be totally happy with me so that she doesnt make me go, but I dont want her to be cross with me and force me to eat all the time and stuff! So im a lil confused!

    I hope your doing ok! Post back when ur back and tell me how the trip went
    Love hannie x

     
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