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  • Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

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    Old 06-15-2005, 09:40 AM   #1
    osiris2491
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    Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    I'll keep this short before I start crying again.

    Been together for 4 months, all going great. She remembered how much she used to enjoy clubbing, so wants to go out alot and, in the process, be independent/discover who she really is. So, as of now, our relationship is over. However, she still says she loves me, and is still in love with me, and I am still the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with and start a family with. She said this will only last 2 months and she has sworn on her family's life that she will come back to me.

    But, it feels like we've broken up, which we have I guess, even though she claims she'll come back.

    I'm really sad, have cried 3 times today and it's only been 3 hours or so since the split. What makes it worse is that I have 4 exams over the next 2 days, which pretty much decide whether I get into university in september. I'm meant to be studying now but I just cannot concentrate on it and just feel like crying. I don't even know if I can face going in for these exams just in case something sparks up and reminds me of her and I start crying in front of all my friends or something.

    Help. I don't even know what kind of help I need......just help

    I've never seen a woman go back with a guy after pulling the "independence" line, so do you think she'll be an exception to the rule?

    Thanks in advance - I really do appreciate any help given

    Last edited by osiris2491; 06-15-2005 at 09:47 AM.

     
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    Old 06-15-2005, 10:17 AM   #2
    MissChicopea
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    I've never understood that line. What do people think happens when you get married? That you can just take breaks here and there when you get overwhelmed? That is when affairs begin to happen.

    Personally I think it's a cop out. It is possible be independent AND be in a relationship. It's all about the maturity level of the person seeking the independence. My DH and I have our lives together yet still have our own independence. He has interests that are specific to him and I have interests that are specific to me. We enjoy our different hobbies and friends and we enjoy the fact that the other has them as well because that is who we fell in love with. We fell in love with each other as independent people, not as potential leeches who would suck the life out of each other.

    Her meaning of "independence" is being with other men. Otherwise she would have no reason to say "see ya" to you. Particularly if her idea of "growing" is to go clubbing. If she was saaaay working on her masters and was afraid of the distraction I would have a bit more sympathy. But even if that were the case you can't keep putting off life until all your ducks are lined up in a row. There will always be SOMETHING. The purpose of having a partner is so that you have someone to lean on and support (and vice versa ). There is more to love and comittment than getting your jollies and I don't think she realizes this.

    So what will happen when she comes back? If she comes back? Will you want to know of her exploits? Will you ever be able to trust again that she won't try to take off? What if she did "meet" other men? You deserve better than that. Cut your losses ( especially since it's been 4 months ) and find someone more worth your effort and love.

    Last edited by MissChicopea; 06-15-2005 at 10:20 AM.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 10:25 AM   #3
    nikmurph
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    I'm sorry about your situation. Exams suck, I can't imagine doing it under your circumstances. Please try anyways though... I'm sure it will be in your best interests.

    This break is probably a good time to determine what you want out of a relationship, and if she can provide this in the long run. In general, I've heard that a good one has both partners being the 'rock' for the other..e.g. support.
    Also try to put yourself in her shoes. If you really were committed to someone, and never wanted to give them up, would you pull an 'independence' break? I wouldn't think so. The dedication would have to be luke warm for someone to do that.
    Another issue is going clubbing. Yeah, you could argue they're there to 'hang out,' but is this realisitc? Generally you go to clubs with other girlfriends to hook up with others or expose yourself to other singles to 'see what happens.' What usually happens 'was an accident' or 'just for fun.' Either way, you may not know about it, and it won't be in your interests. If it weren't for this purpose, you would be allowed to come, or she would go to a restaurant with friends or something while you two were STILL together. It really doesn't add up..

    At this point I can tell you want her still.. though I would caution that you really are worth more than a 'maybe you're good enough for me' girl.

    If this is the case absolutely, then don't be avaliable for her everytime she calls and wants to hang out. Be mysterious about what you're up to and who you're hanging out with. Don't act like you miss her. If she gets weepy like she misses you, find out the extent of her commitment this time, and mention that you're cool with being with someone who wants you ONLY. --Again..this is ONLY if you want her still, though I agree no one should HAVE to play games or be with someone who is luke warm.

    I know this sounds harsh, but chasing someone who's running away will just make them run faster. It's weird, it's wrong, and definately not politically correct, but that's the way it goes sometimes. Of course if she starts being committed again and being exclusive you can act the same.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 10:50 AM   #4
    kitkat77
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    You know it IS possible she just wants to be carefree for a while and will return to the relationship. People do strange things..... however, it sounds a little weird that she has put a 2 month time frame on it. It almost indicates that she plans on having a summer romance and then returning to you.

    What exactly is the status of your relationship now? Are you both free to see other people? If your gf was serious about needing the time to "discover" herself, you should both be single and she should admittedly understand the risks she's taking. It doesn't sound like she does by promising something that she has no control over, such as the future of your relationship after a 2 month absence. She's banking on you waiting in the wings -- be wary.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 11:09 AM   #5
    osiris2491
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    Wow, ok, thanks for the replies everyone. Some truthful and rather painful stuff there that is very difficult to swallow I know it was only 4 months, but it felt like a life time We had EVERYTHING in common, were always on the same wavelength etc etc.

    Anyway, enough wallowing in self-pity, onto the matter at hand:

    Apparently she got stuck in a 2 year relationship from 17 years - 19 years, then she finished and almost immediately hooked up with another guy, he finished her and then 5 days later she fell for me (and vice versa) - she's 20 now, by the way. She said she thinks everything has gone too fast (not specifically me, but her relationships in general), and she needs time to be the person she was <17 i.e clubbing with the girls and letting her hair down. She didn't say it was definitely going to be 2 months, she just said a month or two. Then she would come back and be full on for the commitment thing with kids, marriage etc.

    Keep the replies coming please The exams are gonna go soo bad tomorrow and friday

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 11:21 AM   #6
    CyberNick
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    I know people like to think it's a cop-out, but sometimes it's genuinely not. Although in this case, it does sound like she just wants to be free for the Summer to do what she wants, and then go back to you when it's convenient. Putting a time limit to find your "independence" definitely sounds ridiculous, and I wouldn't believe it for a second.

    I've left a long relationship (about 2.5 years) because honestly, I just felt stagnant and tied down. I didn't want to worry about phonecalls, obligations and responsibilities tied to a long term relationship anymore. I knew it was selfish, but I needed my space so I broke it off. I was only 20 which probably played a part in it as well (not sure how old you are, guessing 17-18). But I never told the girl I was coming back, nor put a time limit on my "independence". I also was no longer in love with her.

    My advice, as some others said is to just let it go and do what you want without worrying about her. After all, that's what she's doing. If she was really that "in love" with you, how could she just leave you hanging for two months? I want to leave for two months to go "clubbing" isn't really how you tell someone you love them

    She wants to have her cake and eat it too, meaning she wants to screw around with other guys while also knowing she can come back to you if she feels like it. Don't give her that chance. It's only been four months anyways; why are you so torn up about it? Is it your first relationship?

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 11:25 AM   #7
    osiris2491
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CyberNick
    It's only been four months anyways; why are you so torn up about it? Is it your first relationship?
    No it isn't my first, but it just felt so right......I can't explain it.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 01:27 PM   #8
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    Hi there im going through a similar situation with my boyfriend of 2 years. I found out i was pregnant a month ago and he turned round about 2 weeks ago and said he needed 'time to think about how he feels about me' he moved out back to his mums and has barely contacted me since. I am devestated, he's bailed out on me when I needed him most and told me he doesnt think he loves me anymore but he might realise after a couple of weeks away! Ive seen all sorts of advice for people like us in this situation; get on with your life and forget about them, concentrate on yourself, keep busy etc I know they're right but its just soooooo hard when all you can think about is your ex enjoying themselves and not giving you a second thought. I feel the same, constantly holding back the tears hoping he'l come to his senses, checking my phone psychotically! i just wish i could get on with my life like he is. Probably hav'nt been much help but I do know of many situations like this when the 'i need space' person realises how much they do feel for their partner when they think they may have lost them, hope thats the case for us x

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 02:58 PM   #9
    osiris2491
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    Ummm, we're back together lol. Just had a chat, sorted out some stuff relating to her going out, and it's all good. I can take my exams tomorrow in peace now *sigh of relief*

    On a side note:
    I will never, not in a million years, not even remotely comprehend the workings of a woman's mind

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 04:33 PM   #10
    MissChicopea
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    Osiris, it really has nothing to do with "women" it has to do with your woman. Just as I don't think all men are pigs. Each man is different. I know you meant that in a light hearted way, but there are way too many people out there who believe that sentiment to be 100% true.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 06:39 PM   #11
    joekerr30
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    dude, your living in a dream world. even if she does come back, she's clearly showing you that she's prone to flights of fancy. who is to say at 30 she won't feel like being "free" again also, except this time sticking you with a mortgage and kids to look after and asking for 1500 bucks a month alimony.

    it sounds to me like she knows that she has you in the bag. im sure she will come back, but this really doesnt sound like a healthy relationship. it sounds more like she knows she can call whatever shots she wants and you'll go along with things.

    It also sounds like she sees life as stages. So theres the have fun stage, then the get married stage, then the kids stage, etc. be weary of people who see life this way, because they generally lack the ability to stay committed. Look for women who aren't looking at life as stages, but rather are looking to create a continuous life full of growth. these women don't get hte urge to say 'ok, enough with this stage, im moving on." instead they work together with their partner to evolve and grow the relationship.

    my feeling from your posts though is that you're bagged and if she wants you back you'll come running. many people get into relationships like this and unfortuantely they just put off that day when it all falls apart. trust me on this, its much easier to move on at 20 somethign than 40 something.

    bottom line: when someone tell you they want time apart, you simply can't get any clearer than that, that they don't feel the relationship is critical to their life. in fact they are telling you the opposite.

    oh, and by the way, just because someone says they love you doesnt mean they know what love is. all they know is that people love to be told that someone loves them. its the easiest way to keep someone hanging on.

    good luck man,
    J

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 12:19 AM   #12
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    sorry to sound bad or anything... i just went through this.

    kick her to the curb. spit at the thought of her, scream to the nights sky and move on

    if she "needs the independance" how does she know that 2 months of it will do

    teach her a lesson on "independance" and show her you don't need her, and you can live without her, and can make a happy life...

    in 5 years who knows, two very different and mature "you's" might hook up and start that family... but for now, i'd slam the door in her face. more likely than not she's after something "more" or "different" and stringing you along for backup... your better than backup, trust me... i learnt this the hard way.

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 01:02 AM   #13
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    aww..I've just made a thread about wanting to be independent too..but not in the same way that ur gurl or ur ex wants to be.well 4 months...its not very long nd maybe its infatuation...I dont know how u could know u want to spend ur life with someone u've been with for only 4 months.I think thats a really unreasonable excuse to want to be independent...but hey, if u are really meant to be then take it as a test...love tests u on all levels..maybe destiny wants to see how u guys would handle situations such as this, but I still think it's unreasonable.If she wanted to go out why cant she go clubbing with you?So keep ur head up nd u'll be okay!

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 04:58 AM   #14
    osiris2491
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MissChicopea
    Osiris, it really has nothing to do with "women" it has to do with your woman. Just as I don't think all men are pigs. Each man is different. I know you meant that in a light hearted way, but there are way too many people out there who believe that sentiment to be 100% true.
    Yeah, it was just meant to be a joke - no harm intended

    We are back together, but if anyone has any advice and stuff then I am still willing to listen because I'm still really hurt that she decided to end it and go back on everything she'd said for a month getting ******........I thought I meant so much more to her I mean I never said she couldn't go out and get drunk with her friends...*sigh*. I don't know why I'm sighing - I should be happy that we're back together, right?

    Thanks all.

    BTW: That exam today was solid

    Last edited by osiris2491; 06-16-2005 at 05:02 AM.

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 05:19 AM   #15
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    Re: Girlfriend wants to be independent? *cry*

    My take on the whole thing... she just needs to get her life sorted out some. She hasn't felt what it's like to be 'free' while she is an adult. If you read my thread, I talk about jumping from one relationship right into the next.. and then deciding that I needed some time for myself, and to "find" who I really was, because for so many years I defined myself by the man (boy) that I was with.

    And I know four months doesn't seem like a long time, but it can be. I knew after the first day with my ex that I was in love with him. Perhaps you should give her some time to be free.. and also exert your freedom as well. 20 years old is kind of young (and scray in my opinion) to know you're going to be with the person for the rest of your life.


    PS-good luck w/exams

     
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