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  • PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

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    Old 06-15-2005, 03:37 AM   #181
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    sorry, wrong thread! not sure how that happened

    Last edited by Snails; 06-16-2005 at 01:57 AM.

     
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    Old 06-15-2005, 03:55 AM   #182
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    wrong thread

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    Old 06-15-2005, 09:52 AM   #183
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Snails.. I think these responses were not for me..

    Anyway, I haven't had any response from him! He is gone!!!

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 11:50 AM   #184
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Snails.. I think these responses were not for me..

    Anyway, I haven't had any response from him! He is gone!!!
    Lovingyou, I know you're stressing, but take a breath, take a beat, and try to focus on something: When a man really loves you, there are certain things he simply does not do. He does not break up with you. He does not tell you to "lower your love" for him. He does not tell you he doesn't want to see you until August. I know it's really hard to see now, but I really think you're not losing much with this guy. Love isn't supposed to be this hard. When it's real and right, it just happens, it doesn't leave you feeling like this. It lifts you up, you are stronger, more confident, more elevated because of it, not forced to battle to keep your self esteem in spite of it. Real love doesn't turn you into a weepy, insecure mess. The longer you pine for this guy, the harder it will be to learn how to be happy without him. You don't want to go down that road, because if you go down it long enough, you might not be able to turn around and come back. If you're lucky enough to have good friends and family members you are close to, lean on them now. Involve yourself with them, and with your own life. Hang in there.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 01:09 PM   #185
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Anyway, I haven't had any response from him! He is gone!!!
    That would be the best thing that could happen. Unfortunately, I highly doubt he's gone, just letting the panic and desperation eat at you a little while..he'll be back.

    It took me awhile to get through this thread...LV, all the advice just goes right over you. You're not getting what's going on. This isn't love...it's total control.

    You do realize he's trolling and dating other women don't you? Yes, right now, along with you.

    He's got you intimidated and he knows it, and you live in different countries...now THAT is weilding some power. He's sick and he's making YOU sick, your an emotional wreck! Don't you see the pattern? You haven't done anything wrong, HE WANTS TO KEEP YOU IN FEAR OF LOSING HIM. So he blames you for (whatever), leaves (punishment), your panicked--he knows it, he comes back, pours on the charm, you're happy/sighing with relief, he tells you how the relationship can only continue under HIS terms, you say it's unfair, he gets mad, blames you for everything...and here we go again.

    How much longer can you go on like this? He doesn't want you to be with anyone else and as long as he's got you running in circles, preoccupied with his mind games--you won't be with anyone else, that's what he ultimately wants--to keep you around, for him only, when he feels like it.

    He doesn't love you, he's using you, and no amount of love or compromise from you is going to change that. He's not going anywhere...he's just going to get more and more cruel.
    If this keeps going, he'll eventually wear you down until you ARE willing to go along with whatever he wants. Your well on your way, you can't take a stand without caving in. He's got you all figured out.

    I hope some of this sinks in. You seem so sweet. I'm concerned for you. You may need some help getting out of this, I don't see him leaving you alone or going away quietly. I wish I could see a good outcome, but this thing is going from bad to worse.

    Last edited by Kay33; 06-15-2005 at 01:53 PM.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 03:16 PM   #186
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kay33
    That would be the best thing that could happen. Unfortunately, I highly doubt he's gone, just letting the panic and desperation eat at you a little while..he'll be back.

    It took me awhile to get through this thread...LV, all the advice just goes right over you. You're not getting what's going on. This isn't love...it's total control.

    You do realize he's trolling and dating other women don't you? Yes, right now, along with you.

    He's got you intimidated and he knows it, and you live in different countries...now THAT is weilding some power. He's sick and he's making YOU sick, your an emotional wreck! Don't you see the pattern? You haven't done anything wrong, HE WANTS TO KEEP YOU IN FEAR OF LOSING HIM. So he blames you for (whatever), leaves (punishment), your panicked--he knows it, he comes back, pours on the charm, you're happy/sighing with relief, he tells you how the relationship can only continue under HIS terms, you say it's unfair, he gets mad, blames you for everything...and here we go again.

    How much longer can you go on like this? He doesn't want you to be with anyone else and as long as he's got you running in circles, preoccupied with his mind games--you won't be with anyone else, that's what he ultimately wants--to keep you around, for him only, when he feels like it.

    He doesn't love you, he's using you, and no amount of love or compromise from you is going to change that. He's not going anywhere...he's just going to get more and more cruel.
    If this keeps going, he'll eventually wear you down until you ARE willing to go along with whatever he wants. Your well on your way, you can't take a stand without caving in. He's got you all figured out.

    I hope some of this sinks in. You seem so sweet. I'm concerned for you. You may need some help getting out of this, I don't see him leaving you alone or going away quietly. I wish I could see a good outcome, but this thing is going from bad to worse.
    I agree. I'm sorry to say this, but if you keep this up you are going to become one of those pathetic women we all feel sorry for and give other women a bad name. Find you pride, this guy is treating you like a doormat. I know there must be some pride there to find, we all have it. He's just trampled on it for so long. That is your fault though, you let him. The only person, who is going to get you out of this and happy again, is you. We can't help you get him back, he ISN'T GOING TO COME BACK! He doesn't want you, he wants to BREAK you, LIKE A HORSE! I'm sorry if I seem cruel, but nice doesn't seem to get through to you. Why is that, do you suppose?

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 03:49 PM   #187
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Thank you all for your responses.. you know I really do read the replies from you all! I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if I couldn't come here and vent to you guys! When I compare myself to 6 months ago how I was chasing him and I wouldn't do anything then sitting at home waiting for a message? Now I feel much much stronger! It's just really hard because I loved him with all my heart! I am 26 and I think I have loved him the most... and now it's hard to get rid off the real love feelings inside me! It's hard when he really tells you so many things and is convincing you and unfortunately I trust a lot and I purely and innocently believe what he tells me.. I guess that's what makes i harder! Also I don't have the heart to tell him to **** off or whatever.. I think I am like my dad because he has let my mum treat him badly a lot of times.. I have tried to be stronger even for the sake of my dad and try to learn not to let anyone treat me badly but it's hard when you are kind of pure, innocent and honest and then you meet people and you don't know that they might not be like that.. but because you always so honest and pure to them, you don't even realise that he would do something like that...Of course I am not stupid and I know that he has been treating me badly a lot of times and that's why now I don't let myself go so far with him but it's true that I have a hard time with this one because I truly loved him and I gave this relationship a lot of energy and time and trust! But I have to say I am proud of myself at least a little because since yesterday when I sent him that email I haven't contacted him once. I wanted to send him an email today but I resisted and I thought NO! Tonight I met a very good friend of mine I haven't seen for a long time and I tried to concentrate on myself.. I refused to sit in my room being upset.. I have just come home and there is an email from him! I am not really sure how to react to it or whether he expects any kind of reaction from me?

    Hi E.,
    I am not irritated with you, of course not! Yes i wanted to give us a chance and to take things slowly but I cannot see any improvements between us so far since we talk to each other again. We are still not able to enjoy talking together without fighting, arguing or being aggressive and not nice to each other. It is not like i could imagine. We are not starting again and try again, we are more worried and concerned by talking about the past, about what is behind us than about something nice. It is not leading us anywhere like that and it is not enjoyable.

    I'm not pushing you away at all, but we are not going closer to each other
    neither. I think we both stay at the same point. When i propose to meet in
    august, instead of being upset that we cant meet before and seeing in it a lackof enthousiasm from me, you could just have been motivated by this proposition.But you were upset. I dont think it is a way of going slowly...

    good night xxx


    What do you think he is saying? And what does it mean? I think I have a trouble to know sometimes.. What would you respond back to him?

    Last edited by lovingyou; 06-15-2005 at 03:53 PM.

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 04:37 PM   #188
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Thank you all for your responses.. you know I really do read the replies from you all! I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if I couldn't come here and vent to you guys! When I compare myself to 6 months ago how I was chasing him and I wouldn't do anything then sitting at home waiting for a message? Now I feel much much stronger! It's just really hard because I loved him with all my heart! I am 26 and I think I have loved him the most... and now it's hard to get rid off the real love feelings inside me! It's hard when he really tells you so many things and is convincing you and unfortunately I trust a lot and I purely and innocently believe what he tells me.. I guess that's what makes i harder! Also I don't have the heart to tell him to **** off or whatever.. I think I am like my dad because he has let my mum treat him badly a lot of times.. I have tried to be stronger even for the sake of my dad and try to learn not to let anyone treat me badly but it's hard when you are kind of pure, innocent and honest and then you meet people and you don't know that they might not be like that.. but because you always so honest and pure to them, you don't even realise that he would do something like that...Of course I am not stupid and I know that he has been treating me badly a lot of times and that's why now I don't let myself go so far with him but it's true that I have a hard time with this one because I truly loved him and I gave this relationship a lot of energy and time and trust! But I have to say I am proud of myself at least a little because since yesterday when I sent him that email I haven't contacted him once. I wanted to send him an email today but I resisted and I thought NO! Tonight I met a very good friend of mine I haven't seen for a long time and I tried to concentrate on myself.. I refused to sit in my room being upset.. I have just come home and there is an email from him! I am not really sure how to react to it or whether he expects any kind of reaction from me?

    Hi E.,
    I am not irritated with you, of course not! Yes i wanted to give us a chance and to take things slowly but I cannot see any improvements between us so far since we talk to each other again. We are still not able to enjoy talking together without fighting, arguing or being aggressive and not nice to each other. It is not like i could imagine. We are not starting again and try again, we are more worried and concerned by talking about the past, about what is behind us than about something nice. It is not leading us anywhere like that and it is not enjoyable.

    I'm not pushing you away at all, but we are not going closer to each other
    neither. I think we both stay at the same point. When i propose to meet in
    august, instead of being upset that we cant meet before and seeing in it a lackof enthousiasm from me, you could just have been motivated by this proposition.But you were upset. I dont think it is a way of going slowly...

    good night xxx


    What do you think he is saying? And what does it mean? I think I have a trouble to know sometimes.. What would you respond back to him?

    OKAY JUST DONT LISTEN TO HIM NO MORE GO OUT DISTRACT YOURSELF DO SOMETHING GO TO BARS, MEET PEOPLE GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS IS NOT LIKE IF YOU ARE GOING TO BUMP INTO HIM SO YOU WONT THINK ABOUT HIM, STOP WRITTING ABOUT HIM.. YOU REALLY NEED TO LET GO WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF AND ITS ALREADY BEING 6 MONTHS HALF OF THE TIME THAT YOU WERE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP DONT YOU THINK THAT IS TIME TO FORGET ABOUT HIM AND SAY "NEXT" I DO .. AND I AM SURE OF OF THE OTHER PEOPLE THINK THE SAME WAY

     
    Old 06-15-2005, 05:57 PM   #189
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Hi E.,
    I am not irritated with you, of course not! Yes i wanted to give us a chance and to take things slowly but I cannot see any improvements between us so far since we talk to each other again. We are still not able to enjoy talking together without fighting, arguing or being aggressive and not nice to each other. It is not like i could imagine. We are not starting again and try again, we are more worried and concerned by talking about the past, about what is behind us than about something nice. It is not leading us anywhere like that and it is not enjoyable.

    I'm not pushing you away at all, but we are not going closer to each other
    neither. I think we both stay at the same point. When i propose to meet in
    august, instead of being upset that we cant meet before and seeing in it a lackof enthousiasm from me, you could just have been motivated by this proposition.But you were upset. I dont think it is a way of going slowly...

    good night xxx


    What do you think he is saying? And what does it mean? I think I have a trouble to know sometimes.. What would you respond back to him?
    I think it's pretty clear that he's saying he still needs you to "lower your love" for him. He's saying he doesn't like it when you talk about the past and analyse where you went wrong and when you carry on about the relationship. He wants to keep it nice and light and easy. He's saying he was disappointed that you were upset that you wouldn't get to see him until August. He's saying you should have been happy that he was willing to see you at all, even if it wasn't until August, you should have been happy.

    It sounds to me like he still wants to keep you on his string. He wants to be with you on his terms and on his terms alone. His main message is clear: he's not making any promises to you at all. He just wants to have a nice time for now. He's not commiting to anything at all.

    You ask what would i respond back to him? Well, first, I'd ask myself what I really wanted out of this situation. I think that's what you should do. What do you want from this guy? Can you spell it out for us? When you get upset about him not seeing you until August, when you rehash the past, what are you trying to get from him? What do you really want from him?

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 08:32 AM   #190
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I think your in trouble and you can't see it. He's really got you so deeply hooked and short of getting rid of your computer, I don't see how your going to pull yourself out of this.

    As far as his email....he's reeling you back in. Go back and read what he wrote to you about all that trying again and not to bring up the past since all you do is fight and lets start over. What he's (sweetly) saying is..when we were together before, you had a voice in this relationship...well, now things are going to be the way I want them and no whining or disagreement from you..okay? When you disagree it means you are picking a fight, not trying to make this work and above all else..it makes me mad So, I have no choice but to punish you by scolding and ignoring you for a bit. Once I've allowed just enough time for you to think I'm really gone this time, and you've made a terrible mistake....I come back (ta'da!) and your more willing to see things my way.
    LV, he gave you a perfect example in his email: When I say I'm coming in August...be happy and thrilled. Don't complain that I'm not coming sooner...got it? Or else, I'll get mad and you'll be punished. Oh and trust me, he's planning on having sex...all that BS about 'I'll try, but I may not be able to resist you!' is just a cute way of saying that's a major reason I'm coming.

    This is pretty much what your up against. It's classic control ..and it's working! I know you don't want to believe it, because he says some very meaningful things and that we don't know him the way you do. Well, he can't be too blunt, that's why you can't figure out what he's saying in his email, it sounds good, but what he's doing is coaxing you in to believing if you'd just do what he wants, everything will be great.
    I can't draw a clearer picture for you. You are not stupid...In fact, I think you realize what is happening. It's hard to give this up since it has consumed your thoughts and energy and left the rest of your (real) life lacking. The best thing you can do is start spending time with your friends. Tell them, honestly, how things are going with your boyfriend. They will tell you how unhealthy this is. Your going to need help and support in pulling away from him.
    I can't tell you what to write in your email. I'm guessing you'll tiptoe around, trying to assert yourself without upsetting him....since you know what happens when he gets upset

    If you want this to work...agree with everything he says and wants and don't complain. Soon, he'll be talking about YOU moving to where he is. Heaven help you if it ever gets to that.

    He's never going to leave you alone...no matter what he says about leaving or needing time...it's designed to scare you.
    The time you'll need to be scared is when you are serious about walking away from this nightmare. He'll go ballistic with emails, phone calls..even coming in person to get you back under his thumb.
    He's got you so intimidated (scared!)..and he knows it...that's NOT love..okay?

    Take care and good luck to you.

    Last edited by Kay33; 06-16-2005 at 08:36 AM.

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 09:49 AM   #191
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Yeah, everything Kay said and then some. Worst case scenario, is if you let this guy make you so crazy and off-center that you end up obsessing about him to the point where you drive all your friends away. Then they'll be gone, he'll be gone, and you'll be in a place very dark and very lonely, and very very difficult to get out of. Please don't let yourself get to that point. I'd still like to hear from you, lovingyou, about what you're hoping to get from him and from this relationship. I could better tell you how to answer his email if I knew exactly what YOUR intentions are.

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 01:46 PM   #192
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Well, to be honest with you at the moment I am not sure what my intentions are?? I am torn! One part of me is saying that he has put me through enough pain and I want to forget about him and move on and hopefully I will be able to do that! On the other hand, I really wanted to do what he suggested to take things slowly and to start again?? But I obvioulsy messed it up! I don't really know what his last email to me means? He sent it last night but I haven't responded as I don't really know whether he expects any reply or he told me that he is leaving for good? I mean when I read the email it seems like he has made up his mind now that we are not able to enjoy together... so i guess I am not doing anything as I am afraid of his reaction? Of course I am thinking of him a lot but I see myself being much stronger about this.. I just don't know what he meant when he said in the email that we are both staying in the same position

    I am just not sure what to do next or what to expect next or whether to expect nothing from him anymore? Do you think the email sounds like a final one?? I am really not sure??

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 01:59 PM   #193
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Kay and Nini are trying to save you from a very bad situation here...don't you see how serious this is? Why isn't what everyone tells you over and over sinking in? This guy belongs in a mental hospital. I bet he has girls all over the world who he does this same twisted evil stuff to...he probably spends all his time flying around to visit different "girlfriends" and sending them the same stalker crazy messages while he's not with them so that they become obsessed with him, so that their lives depend on every little insane, warped thing that he does. I really think that he's a pathological liar and a sociopath, and he's taken over your entire life. Think about it...people are telling you over and over, HE'S CRAZY! RUN AWAY NOW! without exception since the very beginning of this thread. And yet you remain focused on the tiny details of his day to day lunacy and all your responses are essentially the same, as in "Thanks everyone for your advice, it's really helping. Okay well today we talked, and I said about "us," and he flipped out and berated me for doing that and told me all of our problems were our fault. He was so mean to me and now he's not talking to me. I am so scared, what am I going to do, do you think this is it? I can't believe I drove him away again, please help me figure out a way to get him psychologically abusing me again." You have got to break this cycle of denial and get away from this guy before his hold on you gets even more unhealthy and destructive. It's so obvious what's going on here, so please think about it objectively, reread old posts etc. until that finally sinks in!! Stop obsessing about him and run!

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 02:00 PM   #194
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I guess I would like to write a reply to him.. some sort of reaction to his email but at this point I have no idea what to say so it's not too cold but at the same time not desparate.. im not sure when he mentioned about meeting in august whether it's still his intention or he has completely given up...? Maybe if I could say something about that and maybe nothing too heavy so it's kind of inviting to make him react?

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 02:00 PM   #195
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Well, to be honest with you at the moment I am not sure what my intentions are?? I am torn! One part of me is saying that he has put me through enough pain and I want to forget about him and move on and hopefully I will be able to do that! On the other hand, I really wanted to do what he suggested to take things slowly and to start again?? But I obvioulsy messed it up! I don't really know what his last email to me means? He sent it last night but I haven't responded as I don't really know whether he expects any reply or he told me that he is leaving for good? I mean when I read the email it seems like he has made up his mind now that we are not able to enjoy together... so i guess I am not doing anything as I am afraid of his reaction? Of course I am thinking of him a lot but I see myself being much stronger about this.. I just don't know what he meant when he said in the email that we are both staying in the same position

    I am just not sure what to do next or what to expect next or whether to expect nothing from him anymore? Do you think the email sounds like a final one?? I am really not sure??
    Lovingyou, if you re-read my last two posts to you, I told you what I think he is saying in that last email. Actually, I don't think he's ending things. I think he wanted you to do exactly what you're doing. He intended for the email to freak you out and worry you and make you think "Oh God, have I lost him for good now?? How can I fix it?? How can I make him want me again??" I'd say you've already given him exactly what he wanted in response to his email. But I think the first thing you have to do is figure out what you want from him. And then you have to look at the situation logically and objectively and honestly and figure out if you are ever really going to get what you want out of him. Personally, I don't think so. When a man really loves you, he doesn't have to think about it that hard. My ex put me through a lot of the same stuff. I spent a lot of time worrying about what I was doing wrong and could I fix it, and was I good enough for him, and etc. For two whole years he kept me on pins and needles, insecure and weepy, wondering how I could be so inadequate. He left me anyway, and then within just a few months of dating her, he moved in with the exact kind of woman he said he never wanted. The kind of woman I tried so hard not to be like in so many ways. He ended up marrying her. I know now that there probably wasn't anything I could have done to make him stay. He just didn't want me. He did the same thing your guy is doing, make me hope just enough to keep me there to use until he was done using me all up. Take it from one of those pathetic, pitiable women Envy was talking about a few posts back: if you hang around and wait and wait for him to finally decide he's done using you, you might not ever recover from it. It will change who you are, and how you see and feel about yourself. If you're smart, you won't let that happen. I say forget about whether or not he WANTS you to respond to his email. You still care way too much about what he wants and what will please him! Search your mind and do what's best for YOU for once. Tell him have a nice time, good luck, and you'll see him in August. Then like I said before, spend June and July building a life you can be proud of, with or without him. If he really loves you, by August, he'll be begging you to come back to him, and he'll be willing to do whatever it takes to make YOU Happy. If he doesn't, if he's still luke warm, "let's take it slow, you're still too clingy, lower your love," then you must be prepared to face the fact that he's simply not the one for you. Just because we love someone doesn't mean they have to love us back. The longer you put off accepting that, the longer it will take for your heart and spirit to heal. Pleast listen to me. Take care of yourself, because this guy certainly isn't.

     
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