What actually is Anorexia?

Hannie,
Yea, its so hard with the eating thing around my family. ugh.. they always force me to eat, or give me these weird looks when I don't and they are always encouraging me or questioning why I'm not eating, or how many calories I've had for the day, or what I've ate all day long. My grandmother actually told my dad that I was starving myself, maybe not completely but in some sense I was. But I talked my way out of it with my parents. And I felt so bad because my mom was like "I'm glad that you stood up for yourself to your grandmother." And she kept saying how she believed me and that she knew I would never do stuff like that. I felt so bad... if only she really knew.

My camping trip was lots of fun with my friends. But I felt so fat! My one friend, she's very VERY skinny. She's also my best friend, the one I was talking about in some previous posts. She has been trying to encourage me to eat more lately and get over this problem, but she says no matter what she supports me all the way. I think yesterday she was trying to tell me that I'm starting to look more like I have a problem, because I was wearing this low cut shirt and she touched the bone that is like in your neck/chest and she said "Gosh your bone is sticking out a lot" and "your really boney there". And then she was saying how my legs were really small. I think she's lost her mind! My legs are not small! it's so wierd with people telling me I'm skinny or that I don't need to worry about calories or that I do'nt need to lose weight or whatever.. because I know that I do and that I'm not skinny. It's so confusing. when I look in the mirror I DO NOT see a skinny person. What if they are just saying I'm skinny so they think i will eat more?

Well, at the camping trip there were so many temptations! But I never exceeded 600 calories (before exercising) so that's good. But I had to practically eat every Meal thrown at me, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner> But I avoided the chips, nachos, fudge, ice cream, etc. that my friends had. Since we were at the beach we did a lot of walking throughout the campground to the campstore, the pool, the beach, and all over the place, and we even ran on the beach for exercise and stuff, so i know that I probably burned off most of what I ate, which is good. When I came home I weighed 110.4 lbs. That really freaked me out, because when I left I was like 114. But that was earlier today, and now I'm back up in the 113-114 lbs. See, I don't even look like I weigh how much I really do.. its so confusing.. why do I have to be fat?

I'm like you, I just wish that I could go one day without thinking about food and calories and fat grams and everything... I just wish that I could eat and not feel bad about it.. I wish I could feel good about myself! I wish this all would just end and I could be healthy, look good, and be happy! That's all I want but.. I just don't know.

I honestly don't feel thin enough, so.. maybe a couple of more pounds wont hurt. But its getting harder and harder to lower my portions of food when my family keeps coming to visit and stuff. But, when I go away to camp (this saturday) I will be gone for 1 month and hopefully I will be really busy and preoccupied so that I wont have time to think about food, or eat. Then maybe i'll look better and feel better. Hopefully they'll have computers at this camp I'm going to, so I can keep you guys updated.

My family and some friends think I'm obsessed with calories. I have this hand held palm pilot that has a calorie calculator and nutrition facts database on it. I take it everwhere I go so that I always know how much calories I burn and consume. And usually I consult the calculator before I eat something.. its running my life, and I know this, but I just can't stop. No matter how hard I try, and how much I tell myself that "Oh today I wont worry about calories and I'll try to eat at least 1000 calores today" or something like that, it always backfires. I either feel really guilty and try to make myself throw up, I cut, or I exercise for a really relaly long time to compensate for the calories I did have.

Why can't I just be happy? My best friend says that every since I started dieting that I haven't been happy.. but .... how could losing weight make me unhappy? I think its more than that.. no.. I know that its more than that. I just dont konw what's wrong with me. I am so sensitive, and I try to take car eof everyone, and sometimes its too much... so many bad things have happened to me over the past few years, and I couldn't control them, or stop them or make them go away.. but this.. I can control this, and no one can stop me! it's something that I have on my own, that no one really knows about.. and I control it....

You know, it kind of sounds like you really do want help, and I think that that is definitly a good thing, and definitly a big step in hopefully a recovery to this. You know? Maybe your mom will let you go see someone, and you can talk to them about it and get better. I just hope that everything works out for you.

Keep me updated, and let me know how you're doing! Hope everythings okay!

Much love,
troubled

PS- While we were shopping, my best friend (the really skinny one) wanted to try on some clothes, and she told me to try them on with her, so i did. And she told me to get a small like her, because I'd probably fit in it, and I was like, uh no.. i can't fit into a small. So, she gave me the small anyways, but I took the medium with me. Well, I tried on the small, and it was a little bit around my stomach area.... how wierd is that.. I fit into a small...how? How is it that I was wearing the same size shirt as my skinny skinny friend but I am so much fatter than her! How? this is confusing.... I am trying to make sense of it.

Hey Troubled,

I've got one week to completly starve myself ! Then im going to have to go to the doctor!!!!!! URGH ARGH URGH!!!!!! Then im going on 'band tour' to Italy with all my friends. There (like you on camp) im going to try and keep myself so occupied that I wont have to eat, tho its going to be sooo hot! But my mum is now threatening that she will tell my teacher that im not eating so that she will make sure I eat when im away! Thats NOT good! Im going to go to the doctor just to make sure she doesnt do that!

I was camping with my friends at a festival on saturday, and one of my friends is struggling abit with food, I dont really know much about it because I havent really talked to her much about it! Im alot smaller then most of my friends....being short at 5ft3 ! I realise this and im not going to lie to myself and say, im fatter then alot of my friends! because im not really tha much bigger then them. My friends are NOT fat tho! There really skinny, but more importantly they're happy with their bodies. We were putting up the tent, and where we are in England at the moment is 32'C Which is v.v.hot for England, and we were all sweating and stuff.....anyways two of my friends wore just their bikinis. I really wanted too as well, but I kept my top on! Then later all my friends were sunbathing in their bikini's except for me and the girl hoo has a promblem too. It made it easier for me not too wear the bikini since she wasnt....but she sed 'u have a lovly body...wear your bikini.' But i dont know if she was lieing, its SO hard to know.

If your friends are telling you that you really are getting skinny......do you think that mayb they are right? or do you think they are lying. See I think I look no different then I did back in feb! I dont know how im ever going to look skinner. But mayb u do? U just cant see it! Maybe u shud go see a doctor aswell just to see if your friends are really right! WHatcha think?

Wow that calculator sounds really fab! Where do you get them from? I am forever looking at back of packets to see how many calories are in what, but when mum makes tea some things I aint gotta clue have how many calories it contains.

When I was camping, aswell, there were soooo many temptations, but I only ate some bread before I went and some snacky things like a few sweets and crisps and an ice lollie, But i didnt exercise, URGH!

Ive gotta another exam today at 1.00pm which is about 6.30am in america, so im going to go and exercise till then, because I got up early and mum forced a bowl of special K down my throat....WITH MILK, which is like 171 cals!
Ive got 3 more exams to go now, french, physics and r.e! Then ive got like 10 weeks off YEH But its gunna b hard to starve, because my mum is a teacher so she is going to b at home all the time on hol as well, and will make me eat. But mayb if im going to the docotor she will lay off a little.

I know exactly what u mean, about not feeling skinny enough, im smaller then my friends, shorter and a lil skinner then some, but i just dont feel skinny enough, and I dont want to eat!

It sounds like you have been having some trouble over the past years with other issues? Do you wanna talk about them? mayb they cood have triggered this disorder. Dont worry if ya dont tho, i understand. Control is a big thing for me. You cant control what people think, or how tall you are, or what your born into, or where your born, or which group of people are in your year at school. It happens and if something goes wrong then you cant really change it! But weight, well, you can change weight, so much easier then any other thing! thats y im obessed with it. No one knows about it, its mine, and no one can take it away except for me. it makes me feel safe, without it i dont know who i would b. DO you feel the same? .... i think you do, as you talked about it in your previous post, exactly the same way as I wood have put it.

Yeh I honestly, do want to help you. Helping you makes me feel better aswell! I dunno, wierd, but I can relate to what your saying and its good to have someone that I can tell my problems to. I really hope your okey, and that you write back b4 u go away!

Love ya

X Hannie X

Hey Gals - Well, I just went through all of these posts. I wish I could tell you everything -- I wish I could make you understand. I have had an eating disorder and I have recovered. It is not impossible, but everything you guys have written, I have felt, and basically everyone else with an eating disorder has too. Eating disordered people develop incredibly alike habits, thoughts, ideas, etc. No joke when I say everyone else knows exactly what you're saying. I know how much you hate yourself, but I also know how much you find yourself looking in the mirror. I know how guilty you feel and how you try to make up for it. I know how you lie. I know how much you hate people ragging on you to eat (they need to know that it only makes it worse).

But here's the bottom line. Telling your best friend or a couple of friends is a great start. It's a start...but it's not enough. You have to get help from a professional. Please believe me - several years of my life were completely ruined because of anorexia. In the short time I dropped weight (and the long time I held it there), I did some serious, serious damage to my body that are causing me so much trouble now. And I know what you're thinking - "It's worth it to be thin/to look like this/to feel like this."

I know saying this is...just saying it. Everyone has to learn for themselves, and whatnot. But that doesn't mean you can't take advice along the way. I've spent months in the hospital and in therapy. Forget the nutritionist for now - I hate going there, too (besides, I'm sure you've already spent hours memorizing food calories and fat and thinking up "meal plans"). But it's so important for you to go to a psychologist, particularly one that specializes in eating disorders, if it is at all possible. I don't know what state you are from, or if you live in a really rural area, but I just can't stress how important it is to get help...soon. You're not crazy, you're not a freak, you DON'T deserve this, and you're certainly not alone.

I don't know if I want help though.. sometimes I think I do, but other times I justify why I am doing this. I mean, its not like I'm completely starving myself or anything. I just limit my calories down really low, and exercise a lot to burn them off. I dunno.. Is it really that bad? Or am I just like... I dunno.. so into what I'm doing that I can't see how harmful this really is?

Originally Posted by troubled_teen12

I don't know if I want help though.. sometimes I think I do, but other times I justify why I am doing this. I mean, its not like I'm completely starving myself or anything. I just limit my calories down really low, and exercise a lot to burn them off. I dunno.. Is it really that bad? Or am I just like... I dunno.. so into what I'm doing that I can't see how harmful this really is?

I do the same thing. Lately, I'm only eating enough to keep myself from passing out or so I can have the energy to exercise.

Originally Posted by troubled_teen12

I just limit my calories down really low, and exercise a lot to burn them off. I dunno.. Is it really that bad? Or am I just like... I dunno.. so into what I'm doing that I can't see how harmful this really is?

Hun, listen to yourself... You're not rational. An eating disorder is mental disorder -- it has NOTHING to do with food. There are chemicals in your brain that are being slowed down or not delivered to their proper place at all - they're causing you to lose sight of reality. The way you see yourself is totally distorted. Your brain creates a narrow mindset through which you see things in black and white: bad or good. There is no grey area.The things your body is going through now are very dangerous, and the damage it quickly created and much of it is not reversible. The damage is not minor either.

I know you may not want to let go, you may want to "hide" yourself and your problems from everyone and be left alone with your "friend." But the longer you do that, the worse life gets. You may be telling yourself life is great because you're thin, or life will be great when you get thin, but you're never happy. The scale number is never low enough. Your bones cause alarm to people, not warmth and welcoming and popularity. People get really worried and they treat you like a sick little bird with a broken wing; plus, you don't have then energy to go out and do the things you want to do. If you think this sounds appealing, let that be an indication of how distorted your mind really has become. Ask someone you trust (who does not have an ED) if they think any of that sounds like fun, and they will look at you like you're crazy.

I'm not suggesting you drop everything and jump into the arms of a treatment facility or anything. It's not like that. No one can make you do anything, and no one tries to make you just give up an eating disorder. Things are always done gradually, so the detachment is easier. I started by just talking to a psychologist (not a psychiatrist). They don't judge, they just listen - they don't make you do anything. And obviously I can't make you do anything either, but if a perfect stranger is worried enough to try to convince you to seek out a helping hand, that in itself says a lot. Please just keep it in mind?

I'm always available to listen or do what I can.

Troubled,

I hope I haven't missed you before you go to camp, because I havent posted.
I hope everything is going well for you at the moment!
It's thundering and lightning outside at the moment (So much for the 2 weeks of 30'C sun we had ) Hopefully it will stop by tonight because I have a party in the local common.

Yesterday, It was very very very hot here in England, apparently ment to be a heat wave soon, tho the thunder doesnt help, lol, anyway, I had loads of friends round to my house and we sunbathed in the garden and got out a huge plastic mat and poured fairy liquid and water on it and skidded down it. It was great fun the only problem was, I had to wear my bikini, I was sooooo scared, I looked a little thinner then some of my friends but I was so self consious! I found myself having to breathe in all the time.

AND SIN OF ALL SINS YESTERDAY NIGHT>>>ARGH! I went to a party at my friends house because we have now officially finished all our exams, and well, I got a little bit 'how do you say' hyper and happy, and ended up telling this boy who is really really really nice, (like to talk to and chat to and muck about with) that I had an eating disorder, anyway, if that wasnt bad enough, there were these two other boys there, one who is fab aswell and I dont think would tell anyone, and the other I hardly know! Why did I do such a stupid thing like that!!!!!!!!! The thing is I dont even think I have an eating disorder, do I? I dont know, i know I have a problem with food, and its tearing me up and Im unhappy, but (leading back to your thread title) what attually is annorexia? am I annorexic, i dont look it, tho I know it doesnt have anything to do with if you look stick thin or not, but ARGH, i dont know, i just dont know anymore. I dont know what I am, I dont know who I am, I am
having such a mental breakdown, I just dont know what to do anymore, Im sooo stupid that I let myself get out of control at that party and tell those boys. Im sure it will be fine and they wont remember in the morning anyways that I told them, and two of them im pretty sure wont say anything, but ya know!?! I just hope nothing gets out.
I wonder why I even said that, why why why why? Because I dont really know if I have an eating disorder so why did I even say I have. I dont even remember how I brought it up in the convi! URGH! HELP!
Im soooo annoyed.

.............

Whats a dermatologist?

I think maybe a doctor, could be a good step for you, im attually warming to the idea of it myself, I might even ask him while im there if I should go into therapy or something I dont know. I dont think you would look suspicious if you went to a doctor, he/she would listen to you, and even if their not specialised in eating disorders im sure they might send you to someone who is if you really need it, or try themselves to regain something that you want to happen, like jutifing what your doing.

Thats really messed up about your friend, who just left you. I really hate people that are your friend one minute and not the next, or are friends with you when it suits them, I think its perfetic I know many friends like that, sometimes I just give up, but its hard when you want to be friends with somone, but you keep questioning if its worth it, at the moment I just dont have any energy for people like that.

hmmm, yeh I find it easier when im doing something to not eat. Tho when im on my own, I can just about stop myself. I find it sooo difficult mostly not to eat when my family is around me, I hate lying to my mum about what I have and haven't eaten but I just have to otherwise it would turn out even worse then it already is.

like you, I really want to be back at school properly, just so that I dont have to eat lunch. But then it gets so stressful at school and so when I am there I just want to be at home again. This hol is going to be so hard, I just have to stick my head up high, and do as much exercise as poss. I think my mum and I are going to join the local gym which will be fab.

Its great that you have a really good best friend who you can trust and who will stick by you no matter what. I also have really bad trust issues with friends. I have only just really made a closer group of friends consisting of about 4 that I could tell about the eating disorder. I havent been great friends with them for very long but I feel our relationships is growing stronger everyday. I just dont want to loose them. I dont have a bestfriend anymore it soudns really sad when I type it out but I dont. My best friend in primary school..(age 5-12) was fab but then she moved into a different class in secondary school (age 12-16) and now we have split apart. I still go shopping and things with her, but I dont feel that I can really talk to her that much. My other best friend since the start of secondary school, is still an amazing friend, but once again we have drifted apart, we still go out and I go round to her house, but I have a boyfriend and so does she and I think that split us up a little, which isnt nice. and so I dont feel I could tell her as I would think she would judge me.

I look in the mirror and see me, see a girl fairly skinny, not majorly fat, but not stick thin, and just see me, no different each time I look, there's me, me again, and again and again no difference...ever. and it frustrates me. It first started off with looking at what I eat and telling myslef if I dont stop then I will become fat, maybe not now but when im slightly older, or maybe in a few weeks time. I put off not eating for ages until one day I just said, enough, no more eating. It developed slowly when I broke up with my boyfriend and he went out with someone else, I love him sooooo much, i was soooooo depressed without him, i didnt go out, i cried all the time and lost some of my friends because I was so upset. We got back together after him and his x broke up, but the eating problem still remained.


I used to get bullied in primary school a lot, by one friend in particular, but now we are not friends any more. But it still hurts looking back at it. Then in secondary school my "best friend" was really really nice, but all the boys loved her and I was ugly so they didnt talk to me. I felt she was always getting the attention and the boyfriends and no one wanted me, I felt so alone. since about 1 month ago, I only really had my boyfriend as my best friend. I had no one else. I found myself always calling other people up and asking them to come out or wateva. They would never ask me, and just go out without me, it really hurt, but my boyfriend stuck by me.
But its hard sometimes when you dont have any other friends and all your boyfriend can tell you is........am I not good enough? why do you need other friends when you have me? etc etc

That is really sad about your music teacher. I dont really have a teacher that im really close to like you were with him, so I can only try and understand how you feel. I hate it when people ignore you when you are upset. Its not that we want attention its just that we want some comfort and someone to listen. and its hard when no one is a good enough friend even to do that. I say anyone who wont listen and judges or ******* behind my back is not worth it, i think its cruel and perfetic.

Right now im feeling really down, about what I said at the party last nite, and also i feel really sick. I think maybe if I just went to the loo and was sick I would feel so much better, ill probably try in a minute.
Why do I feel like this? how have I got to stage where I can and make myself physically sick and feel better for it? ive only made myself sick twice, but both times i feel so happy afterwards.

Yesterday I was having a good time with my friends, and they all made pasta salad in my kitchen, I only had a very little bit, but I really just wanted to eat the lot and say....i have no problem with food! But i do and I couldnt! ITS HARD, i just want it to go away

sorry for the rant today,
hope your having a better day then me!
looking forward to here how ya doin.

Lv
Hannie