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    Old 06-08-2005, 09:54 AM   #136
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    I think the pianist's last name was something like Vitalli.......

    Your yard sounds beautiful! Very lucky! Must be nice to "get away" in your own back yard and your husband sounds so talented! Nice to hear you appreciate your flowers and what you have in your yard...i know that's alot of work to keep it up!

    Well...hope all gets better with your husband's life.....the most important thing for him now, other than earning a regular salary, IS to get his degree. That will make him much more valuable in case this current job doesn't work out.

    Take care Blue!
    bg

     
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    Old 06-21-2005, 08:47 AM   #137
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Hi Blue...how's it going? Did you have a nice weekend? I went in to Harrisburg to visit my parents for Father's day....nice time and good food
    Off of work yesterday because my sister came down to Philly to look at bridesmaids dresses....don't know if i told you but she's getting married in October! Picked a really nice one out..first dress i tried on! All gowns will be black...strapless, form fitting and they have a bustle in the back with a bit of a train....will be very pretty and formal looking forward to seeing how it all comes together...hubby and i have been very good.....still..he doesn't plan but we'll see this weekend...i'm not going to make any plans....we'll see if he takes charge this time....but we've been getting along very well and he is much appreciated by me

    hope all is well with you and hubby as well! write when you can

    love,
    bg

     
    Old 06-21-2005, 03:06 PM   #138
    BLUE EYED LADY
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Hi BG,
    I was so happy to see you posted and that you and George are still going strong!!! Make sure you remind him it is his turn to plan this weekend and that you are sure he won't let you down!!!
    As far as myself, things are not going so good. Basically, my husband's new "dream job" was a nightmare. HIS second (weekly) paycheck bounced and there were insufficient funds to cash his third paycheck - SO HE HAS NO JOB AGAIN!! Please read the thread "What's a friend to do" to catch up and read the exact long story when you have a chance.
    I am heartbroken. Today I am feeling very sad about the situation again. Frankly, I am tired of having no money to do fun things and not to mention, not enough money to pay all the bills on my salary. My son is doing a one week business internship at a large College University this week. (He is going to be a senior in high school this year and we felt this would be a great experience for him plus look great on college applications.) Anyway, this is the first time my son has ever gone away more than 1-2 days and it would have been the perfect opportunity for us do go away or at the very least go out- and we have no money to do anything AGAIN!!!
    Also, our main TV in the den is now broken (it is 12 years old) and I have no money to buy another one. I am sorry this post is going to be a real downer!!!(At the end of this month, it will be 10 months since my husband lost his last regularly paying job.) I have to tell you I feel about as romantic towards him right now as an inatimate object! Old memories about someone else are surfacing again and I am having a battle with myself to not dwell on them.
    I almost did not even tell the above info, but I decided I need to share this with my cyber friend. I could use some extra prayers right about now!!
    Please keep me posted on you and George. It brings such pleasure to me to see what a long way you two have come.

     
    Old 06-22-2005, 07:02 AM   #139
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Oh blue.....I'm so sorry to hear this.......in times like these it's so easy to think What if...as you know that's what happened with me. Things weren't going well, so rather than trying to fix them i got caught up in what else is out there. I know you love your husband..you two have been thru so much...you have stuck by him and that means so much! You don't want to walk out on things now......hang in there some MORE.....make him get serious on getting a real job and getting the two of you back to where you want them to be financially. You know, i'm sure, once things are back on track....you'll feel better towards him...i'm sure you haven't fallen out of love with him.....however, if you feel that there is no where to go and you've given it your all...i would be here for you as well. i do know that one can only take so much. i'm not telling you at all to think that you should be thinking of leaving...just the contrary....but only you know what you can deal with...i hate hearing how depressed and frustrated you feel. can you apply for some type of assistance? I'm here for you and don't ever feel like you're being a downer......it's part of being a friend...we take in all kinds of thoughts and experiences and don't judge.

    get that husband of yours a job...things will look up..you will get to do the fun stuff.....has he looked into a temp agency? are you in a rural area or a city?

    talk soon. keep your head up...you're a strong woman! at least you have your health, love and each other.

    love,
    bg

     
    Old 06-22-2005, 07:27 AM   #140
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    THANKYOU MY FRIEND!!!
    You said EXACTLY THE right thing to make me feel better and to show you care. It made me so happy to get your post. Sometimes I feel bad when I post something that is not positive sounding. I really love to encourage others and then I feel guilty if I wind up posting something negative about my own situation. I almost erased all the negative info yesterday evening when I saw that you had not posted back, but then for some reason the edit button was missing. Now I am so thankful because I really need someone to be there for me to listen and to be empathetic. Thank you for showing me that you care, while being empathetic and uplifting at the same time.
    I don't know if you had a chance to read all my posts regarding the exact details of the situation. If you did and get a chance I would be curious to hear your input on the other thread.
    My husband called the company that he had spoken to several weeks ago before he took his "dream - nightmare job." (The one that I had previously mentioned they would like to combine 2 jobs into one and fire someone.They said they already hired the person that would be the trainer part of the job. They may still need someone to do the other job. He said he would talk to his partner and call back.( My husband told them the truth that the new company that he had just started working for is having financial problems and can not afford to pay him so he had to leave. ) I just hope this does not cast a negative impression on him. Several weeks ago, they were very interested in meeting with him for an interview. So, he is waiting to hear back. I just hope they call soon and tell him either way so we can move on.
    Also, he is going to a meeting this morning with some organization that the speaker runs a temp agency. (He knows the person very well.) He is also going to speak to her about a temp job.)
    Thanks again for being there for me. It means the world to me.
    Love,
    Blue

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-22-2005 at 07:34 AM.

     
    Old 06-22-2005, 08:22 AM   #141
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Good to hear that he's being proactive.....i think going with a temp to perm position might be the way to go for now. If this conference doesn't pan out or the meeting with the temp lady he knows...he needs to just go into every temp agency-whether he has contacts there or not- and just get his name out there....take a temp job until he has a real one, etc..

    no...haven't gotten the chance to read the other posts. will do that but i think i've gotten most of what you probably said in the other post in this one.

    blue...always know that i'm hear....will listen (or read) anything you want to share and will give you the best advice i can think of....i'm one to always put myself in other's shoes.....so i can relate to what you're going thru.

    Hang tough!

    Thinking of you
    BG

     
    Old 06-22-2005, 07:59 PM   #142
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Sorry to barge in on your thread, but your story has kinda been an inspiration to me. I'm 22 and have never been married, but have been in long-term relationships when I thought that I was falling out of love and feeling the need to explore other options to feel that excitement again. Reading posts on this board has helped me realize the there is so much more to love than the passion and lust that is first felt, and that it's normal to feel the lust fade away. The tricky thing is to figure out if something is worth saving. How do you know if your relationship is just moving on to the next stage or if you really don't love someone anymore? I guess what I'm trying to say is where is the line between mature love and no love? How did you like that Truth About Love book? I'm thinking about reading it sometime.
    Thanks

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 07:26 AM   #143
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Hi Tru521,
    I am so glad that you popped in on this thread. Although I am not the one that started it, I have had alot of input into it and have followed it since the predecessor thread, "A call from an ex.". I'm sure Boxgirl will be thrilled to see that she has helped you as well as join in.
    I personally think it is wonderful that you as a single person have been following this thread. I understand that you have been in a long term committed relationship and are wondering what is normal to expect. This is the IDEAL time for you to learn what is real love as well as making sure you pick the right person for you. If only everyone had gained this knowledge when they were single before they said I do.
    I have not finished reading the book, "Truth About Love" but I would recommend that you purchase it. You can order it used (looks like new prety much when it comes) over a famous internet book site that I am not allowed to mention on this site. I think you will be able to figure out which one it is. You can also buy it at a bookstore. I think the more wisdom you can gain before walking down the isle with someone, the better your chances are in having a successful marriage.
    I had a 6 year relationship with my high school/college sweetheart that ended about 6 months after I graduated from college. I never expereinced the feelings of passion fading for him, but I am sure that was due to the fact that after high school we both went away to different colleges. He wound up going to a college several states away and we only saw each other every few months for the most part. (Sometimes more often if he had the money to fly me in to see him or fly out to see me.) Plus, during our courtship, we broke up several times, so in some level it was new, fresh and exciting when we did get back together again.
    I have been married to someone else for 19 years but have gone through many struggles. Things are much better now, I just wish I had realized before I married all the things that can influence the success of a relationship.
    I think there are many different things you need to look at regarding your relationship with your boyfriend since you are single and contemplating marriage in the future:
    1) Do you feel that you have a healthy, give and take relationship?
    2) Does he strive to meet your needs and make you happy? (I'm assuming that you do this as well)
    3) Do you feel that he brings more joy and happiness by having him in your life than if you did not have hime there?
    4) Are you happy when you are with him?
    5) What things about the relationship or him bother you? (This is a very important thing to look at to ascertain the health of a relationship.)
    6) How do you settle disagreements?
    7) Do you both have similar goals in life?
    8) Is your upbringing similar? Do you come from similar backrounds including socio-economic backrounds?
    9) How do you both handle money?
    10) Are you both responsible as far as being steadily employed?
    11) Does your family like him?
    12) Do you still have outside interests and see your family and friends seperate from him?
    13) Do you both still go out to fun places regularly?
    14)Do you share a similar faith?
    15)Are his parents still together?
    16)Are your parents still together?
    17)If your parents and/0r his parents are together, do they have happy marriages?
    18)How were BOTH your childhoods? (This is a very important question as well.)
    19) Do you both want children? How many? How soon? Have you discussed whether you will go back to work after you have children, or are you both in agreement that one of you will stay home to care for them? Can you live on one salary???? (This is vital in being able to ascertain if it is your deisre to stay home when you have children if you realistically can.) Many, many couples wind up in very stressful, chaotic lives when they have children and both spouses are working. If that is what they want to do and can make it work without taking a serious toll on their relationship, that is fine. However what often happens is that people wind up buying a house based on two people's incomes, (A home much larger than they necessarily need), have car loans, debt,etc, and lifestyles that they can not afford on one person's income. Or, the other thing to think about is if the man that you marry makes a good salary so that if you have children and if you want to stay home to raise them, you can. It may seem ridiculous that I am beinging this up now, but I have personally known many couples that almost broke up from the stresses involved in a marriage when both spouses work and have children. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that it is very important to look at both your expectations regarding lifestyle and children/daycare issues before you get engaged and NOT to incur debt. (I just wish I had the wisdom in my 20's that I have now!!!)

    I always wanted to be a stay at home mother, My husband however, has never made a good salary. I have always made about twice as much as him. When I was single, and madly in love, I did not think that this would bother me. Well, when reality came, and I had NO CHOICE but to work, it really bothered me. I wanted more that anything to be home with my son full -time and I could not. AND it had nothing to do with living too high above our means. When my son was born, we lived in a neighborhood that my mother used to cringe at when she came to visit. Although it was not a dangerous neighborhood, it was not very nice and nothing like the neighborhood that I grew up in. I lived there because the rent was inexpensive and allowed me to be home with my son. As far as I was concerned, it was worth the sacrifice to be home with my baby. I made our apartment very nice and cozy and was only able to stay home for the first year and half after my son was born. I lived very frugally, drove an old car, prepared all meals from scratch, could not even buy things such as cold cuts because it was not in the budget. Instead, I made homemade chicken salad, potato salad, etc and even homemade baby food so that I could to cut down on our expenses because I wanted to be home with my son more than anything. Then my husband lost his job, and I was forced to go back to work. These are just issues that need to be looked at. My husband grew up poor and he did not see our finances as a problem. I however grew up in a typical miidle- class suburb. His family never saved, spent everything they had and never thought about tomorrow. They never owned a house and lived in an apt. So, my husband did not have the same goal as I did regarding buying a house. He did not see it as a priority like I did. As a result, I have had to be the responsible one, trying to think about the future. We eventually moved to another state and did buy a very cute house in a great neighborhood that we both love, but it was due to my planning, saving and dream. And, I have always had to work. My marriage has been very difficult and I am mentioning these things so that you can see the reality behind the words and know that there are many things need to be looked at when you are considering marrying someone.

    I commend you having the maturity to look at all of this now.
    If you are willing, anwering all of the above questions, will help you determine
    the health of your relationship as well as the liklihood that the person you are with now is the right one for you to marry. Loving someone is NOT always enough to ensure happiness. There must be love as well as looking at many other factors.
    I am looking foward to hearing your responses. I'm sure Boxgirl will have alot of interesting things to share with you!!!! I'm also sure some regular friends that have frequented this board as well will join in!!!

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-23-2005 at 08:58 AM.

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 07:26 AM   #144
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    I've come to the realization that yes...the spark (for the most part) is gone with my husband..he still has it but i just can't get it back....i love him and care for him, and when we're out in romantic situations I want him but never when i just see him sitting on the couch...my desire has just gone downhill (it has been 11 years...guess i should expect that). However, most importantly, he loves me, cares for me and does anything i want...makes me laugh on a daily basis...and allows me to be me. That's more important than antyhing i guess. I also try not to think about things too much anymore...if i dwell on all the issues that started this thread, i get depressed....if i don't think about it for a day or so...i'm happy again. i did realize also, that marriage or any long term relationship is something that you both need to work on and keep fresh....otherwise things get taken for granted....

    as far as that book...never did read it...went with the Dr. Phil book-Relationship Rescue.....we were both reading it but i felt half way thru that it wasn't what i was looking for....the book went more into self help than a couples help book. The truth about love book seems like the book i should have read but i think i'm doing ok now.....i've realized what a good guy i have and he does make me happy....i just had to realzie that happiness and love stems from all kinds of things in a relationship..love isn't just based on a spark between two people...it's much deeper.

    hope this helps and glad you found comfort in this thread.....it's nice to speak or write to people that are going thru the same thing..Blue has helped me tremendously with her experience!

    Take care.
    BG

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 07:50 AM   #145
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boxgirl73
    when we're out in romantic situations I want him but never when i just see him sitting on the couch.
    Would you please clarify this a bit? When I see my wife in her chair watching TV, I can relate to what you say. To me, her watching TV shows that don’t interest me epitomizes a relationship that has become comfortable… that much of her happiness doesn’t involve me. Is that what you are saying, too?

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 08:59 AM   #146
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    all i meant by that is that i've lost the desire to just jump on him at any point in the day...i need alot of wooing now. to be quite frank

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 09:46 AM   #147
    BLUE EYED LADY
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by boxgirl73
    I've come to the realization that yes...the spark (for the most part) is gone with my husband..he still has it but i just can't get it back....i love him and care for him, and when we're out in romantic situations I want him but never when i just see him sitting on the couch...my desire has just gone downhill (it has been 11 years...guess i should expect that). However, most importantly, he loves me, cares for me and does anything i want...makes me laugh on a daily basis...and allows me to be me. That's more important than antyhing i guess. I also try not to think about things too much anymore...if i dwell on all the issues that started this thread, i get depressed....if i don't think about it for a day or so...i'm happy again. i did realize also, that marriage or any long term relationship is something that you both need to work on and keep fresh....otherwise things get taken for granted....
    ...i've realized what a good guy i have and he does make me happy....i just had to realzie that happiness and love stems from all kinds of things in a relationship..love isn't just based on a spark between two people...it's much deeper.

    Take care.
    BG
    BG,
    Your post was very profound. I think you said ALOT in the above statements. Your marriage has the necessary ingredients to have a love that can last a lifetime.
    No matter who we marry and how sexy and gorgeous they may be, after a while the intensity of the attraction will diminsih. Just think of all the great looking movie stars whose spouse's left them for someone else. Love is so much more than the physical component. Without the foundational ingredients you have nothing.The sex is the icing on the cake!

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-23-2005 at 09:48 AM.

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 01:07 PM   #148
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    When I see my wife in her chair watching TV, I can relate to what you say. To me, her watching TV shows that don’t interest me epitomizes a relationship that has become comfortable… that much of her happiness doesn’t involve me.
    Heartland ~ I think alot of us that have been married for many years experience this. I know that Tom enjoys his share of TV and that use to be a sore point, that is, until I found a something that interests me as well. Alot of times when he is watching something that doesn't interest me, I will read a book or post here with my laptop next to him. I look at it as something I once learned about in psychology called "parallel play". Toddlers do this alot....they will be in the same room with one another doing something they enjoy doing the most alone and yet they are happy being with their friends and still feel fulfilled and grow in their friendships with the others despite doing so. I think of marriage in the same way....although Tom watches TV and I am doing something else, we are still growing as a couple by sharing in the joy our interests bring us and yet feeling connected in a very special way.

    Just wanted to share those thoughts with you to ease your mind that Mrs. H. does in fact still find you irresistible despite your thinking otherwise ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-23-2005 at 01:08 PM.

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 02:02 PM   #149
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Goody ~ I agree with you… except that Mrs. H. has her moments when she can resist me very easily. I mentioned the TV scenario since it is so common… and I knew you’d react to it.

    As I see long term relationships, they have a peak early in the relationship when the relationship almost becomes life itself. Feelings then are so intense that we maintain only our core needs and wants. While that feeling is intoxicating, the side effects are toxic… like in any addiction. If those feelings didn’t die down, how could we find the time to raise a family and develop new interests? When those feelings die down, we get our life back… which may be good or bad according to your point of view. This is the comfortable stage I referred to earlier.

    Since we have a good relationship, I see my wife’s TV habit as okay, even though it excludes me, unless it becomes excessive. As you mentioned, time like that gives me time to do things I like to do (or must do ), too. We check on each other every so often so we still feel fairly connected even though it no way resembles the way we did things at the peak. In spite of that, our nonsexual and sexual contact still remains very satisfying and that combination provides our relationship with lots of stability. Since my wife and I have lots of interests and good self-esteem, we find our relationship very liberating and satisfying. No, it’s not perfect… but it’s as good as we are.

     
    Old 06-23-2005, 02:37 PM   #150
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Heartland...I think that alot of people here will gain great insight from your post, I think it says exactly what is so wonderful & precious about marriage in a very realistic way. And it makes me cherish what I have with Tom all the more. I think alot of us do not see the beauty in working through marriages of 20, 30, 40 & 50 years. It's not easy but it is truly a gift when you are with the right person. I know that you & I happen to be one of the very few oldies but goodies around here in terms of marriage. It reminds me of the movie of "When Harry Met Sally" when they have clips of the couples describing how they met and they appear to perfectly compliment each other. That's how I see Tom & I....it may not take on the form of when we first met like you describe as "the peak" and yet it is strong and sure and forever in the knowledge that we are with the one we love. ~ Goody

     
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