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  • What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

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    Old 07-03-2005, 04:48 PM   #1
    Jess75
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    What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Hi,
    I have 2 friends that I'm very close to. One just had a baby on Friday, and the other friend had a miscarriage, IRONICALLY, the same day.(Friday). We are all friends and have known each other since elementary school, I'm 29 btw. I found out today while going to visit my friend who just had her baby and was initially told by HER. When I talk to the friend who had the miscarriage, what do I say. She was SO happy to find out that she was pregnant, because she's been trying to conceive for like 4 months. Could anyone give me some advice about the appropriate way to approach her, or respond? I don't know what to say except that i'm sorry, I feel so bad.

    Last edited by Jess75; 07-03-2005 at 04:49 PM.

     
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    Old 07-03-2005, 07:06 PM   #2
    missingEthan
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Hello,

    first of all im so sorry that your friend is going through this awful pain nobody should feel this, A miscarriage feel like the nd of the world, unfornatly your friend is going to have to feel this for awhile, its the only way to grieve and for her to move on with life. You cant force her to talk, move on etc.

    The best thing not to say is " I know how you feel" unless you really do, it actually offends a woman who thinks her pain couldnt match anyone else's.

    The best thing to say to her is I dont know what you are feeling right now, but I want you to know that I am here for you day and night and that I love and care about you very much." let her come the rest of the way, and dont be upset if she doesnt, I know I shut alot of people I loved out and didnt want talk about anything!

    Goodluck
    and may god bless you friend and her family

    Michele

     
    Old 07-03-2005, 07:14 PM   #3
    wrin
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    The list will be more about what not to say than what to say.

    Do not say 'I know how you feel', even if you do. Her pain is important and personal.

    Do not say 'You can always have another', since babies are not replaceable.

    Do not say 'At least you know you can get pregnant' since that hardly takes away the heaviness of being unable to carry it to term.

    Do say "I'm sorry" in the same way you would after you hear someone close to them has died, since this is exactly what has happened.

    Do ask if there's anything you can do to make her life easier -- she might be feeling very sick; can you cook meals for her? Help her clean house? Be there while she cries?

    Do say sorry to her partner as well, since he/she is experiencing a grievous loss as well.

     
    Old 07-03-2005, 09:36 PM   #4
    Jess75
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Thanks alot guys! I will make sure that I DON'T say, I'm sure you could have another. No, I have never been through such a thing, so I could not sympathize with her on such a level. I like the idea by saying(like ALL the ideas) that I'll be here when ever she needs me. I just feel like I can't even call her or talk to her...I could just imagine how difficult it could probably be just to talk about it, so early in the grieving process. Thanks, you guys were a great help.
    God bless
    Jess

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 03:05 PM   #5
    kristinlee
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    i had a miscarriage 10+ days ago, and i have to say it's somewhat lonely how a lot of close friends become scared of you, worrying they'll say the wrong thing, not wanting to push themselves on you, etc. i would've appreciated a bit more "how are you feeling?" questions, i think that one is pretty safe in that i can answer it as in depth as i feel comfortable with OR i can just say "ok" and change the subject.

    things people have said that have gotten on my nerves a bit....

    -"well, at least it was early on" (it was 7 weeks)
    -"don't worry, you'll have children someday"
    - "it's really common"
    - "well, it was probably for the best as it's often nature's way of stopping an unhealthy pregnancy"

    or variations of these.... i guess a lot of things people say are in attempt to comfort me, but they often come off in a way that i feel denies me the right to grieve. so i'd say, allow your friend to grieve, be there for her, ask how she is, be a shoulder to lean on, but don't try to make it better through comments such as the above. some things just aren't meant to be rationalized.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 03:11 PM   #6
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    I know you got your response - but I have one more don't to add - in case others read this as well. I had so many people say (probably because they know I'm very spiritual)
    - "God has plan & it wasn't meant to be" - It made me feel so insulted that they would tell me of this plan as if that makes it all better. In fact all it did was make me angry & hurt. It wouldn't be so bad, but I must've heard the "plan" at least 20 times - literally. And also - let her laugh or talk about other things & don't assume that it means she's done grieving. It's a process & rollercoaster, not only of emotions, but hormones, so moods can change quite quickly & just try to keep up with where she's at in the moment, laugh with her if that's what she needs & cry with her if that's what she needs. Good luck.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 07:43 PM   #7
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    See, I was thinking about saying that it's really common because I've been reading about it and I was thinking of saying that, thanks, I won't.

    And about the one "It was God's plan", I couldn't even imagine saying that because I don't belive that, but I do know that others do. Thanks!

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 12:16 PM   #8
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    i think the only thing about "it's common" that made me feel okay was when people who had miscarriages said something along these lines, and in these cases it was kind of done in a "a lot of us go through this, here's how i can support you" kind of way. but yeah, i even have to stop my husband from the "it's common" line of rationality, b/c it makes me feel sad sometimes... like i should just be able to pick up my life and move on.

    god's plan, that's a good no-no too! i have had some people say things like "god shuts one door and opens another" or "the universe is taking care of you" which i suppose is somewhat similar.

    huh, given all the things that do bug me, maybe i shouldn't be so sad that a lot of friends are avoiding me. or maybe i just need to tell them what i need: a good listener. you're a good friend to ask about this jessica.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 03:41 PM   #9
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    I think the 'it's common' thing is meant more to make you feel less isolated, like you're not the only one this happens to and that frequently it doesn't mean anything serious so aside from your grief there's no need to be worried about the future.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 04:16 PM   #10
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    worst things to say:
    1 everything happens for a reason/ it was fate
    2 it will be ok (it never will be)
    3 there must have been something wrong with the baby (not a nice thought when you see your baby as perfect)
    4 well it isn't a baby until you are 3 months (said by mil)
    5 lots of people have a m/c (like that means it is ok to happen to you ***)
    6 put it to the back of your mind/ forget about it
    7 it could have happened later in your pg and that would have been worse (NO,No)
    8 you can always have other children
    9 At least you know you can conceive

    I had better stop here there are so many but the thing is; the wrong thing said with the best intentions is better than someone not saying anything at all like it is no big deal. tell your friend you are there for her and tell her you are there if she does or does not want to talk about it, ask her everyone is different.
    Of course the worst is when people show they don't care the people who are like this are often a surprise to you i know my mil shocked me.
    Your friend is lucky to have someone who cares so much

    Last edited by weepyone; 07-05-2005 at 04:16 PM.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 08:56 PM   #11
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Thanks guys. I haven't even talked to her YET, but I will be sure with no doubt to read this one more time.
    I will admit, I was close to saying that it IS common, since I read that it is. I made up my mind, all i'm gonna say is, "I'm here for you if you need to talk, and i'm sorry this happened to you."
    Jess

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 01:56 PM   #12
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Hi,
    I talked to my friend yesterday for the first time and she said,(couldn't believe it cause you guys said not to say it)"Well, at least I know not that I could get pregnant." AND she also said, "It's very common so I'm not too concerned about it."
    So, I guess everyone is different, but anyhow, thanks again!

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 02:10 PM   #13
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Yep - not shocking to me. THE KEY DIFFERENCE - she said it, and that's ok. Kind of like you can talk some serious garbage about your momma - but no one else better say it. When you're in a difficult place, you may be feeling very different things at different times, I was really good for a few days, then I'd be all wound up again and angry, then just deflated & sad...then ok again. The important things is that you allow her to be whatever way she is at the moment & not expect that just because she said she's ok, that she is over it. - Just be aware that you should still try to be open in case she has some down times too! - you really have been a great friend & she's lucky to have ya!

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 05:22 PM   #14
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    Re: What to say to a good friend who just had a miscarriage?

    Awww, thanks becky.
    My reply to her when I talked to her was, "Yes, I do know that it's very common, and DO NOT blame yourself."
    She also said something about the 2nd being stronger, so she does have some positive thinking about the potential future if a child. Oh, and I also told her that she's in my prayers and i'm here whenever.
    Thanks again

    Last edited by Jess75; 07-10-2005 at 05:24 PM.

     
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