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    Old 07-08-2005, 08:14 PM   #1
    Piranna65
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    Unhappy My past is lerking...

    Hey guys....

    Im dont even know why Im considering this. And I do expect some mixed responses for sure. My head is confused and I feel sick just typing this.

    Over a month or so ago I spoke to an ex of mine online (never by phone or in person). Usually it's a harmless convo. and it never lasts more then five minutes before one of us splits.

    The last time I spoke to him we were talking about our recent 'engagements' he said he's engaged to an ex and she will be moving to his state to live with him in a few months. I play 'okay' with it because I have no right to say no you shouldnt I'd hate that that ect... The truth is this is the girl he was with before me, and went back to after me. And is the same girl he's been on again off again with since then.
    ***Background***
    During the duration of time he was with her, he and I were still hooking up. I did it because I wanted to be w/him and prove he wasnt pefect. He 'claims' he thought i wouldnt take him back (even to this day when i told him he's had his chances w/me he says this).

    As most of you know I am un-offically engaged there is no ring, but there is dates set and stuff (though I am thinking of canceling things until we are back on track.)As is he...he said him and his ex are talking marriage, no ring but they have a date picked as well, no reservations made yet.

    During the convo he was talking about marrying me (this isnt the first time, he sorta asked me a couple years ago and I told him he'd have to prove how serious he was, nothing came of it)But he went on to say that if things dont work for him and his g/f and me with my guy once we are married, and we end up divorced that he and I should get back together since we were always so good together.

    He "jokenly" said things like "what if we called off our engagements and you and me got engaged and married!" I didnt agree with any of the comments, I more so thought he was crazy. He went on to talk about our past and how good we were together and he wouldnt even think twice about being w/me again if this girl cheated on him and all this other hocus pocus! This crazy talked lasted for about 2 hours. Him bringin up good times of our past and telling me how he screwed up and had a foot up his butt ect...

    I know things didnt work with us the first time, more so because of him, he left me to be a party boy and be able to meet girls and not be tied down. Thats how it ended, yet we still hooked up for the next year or so.

    You know things were going soooo good for me. Great guy (granted his family put us/him in a pit of debt) He moved home and their car was repozessed, now they are using him for everything. We have fought a few times over this the past week. My heart is breaking and I cant be happy and get married knowing this is happening.

    I love him and when I think of him not in my life I think no way jose! But how do I know? What do I do? Why am I even thinking??

     
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    Old 07-08-2005, 08:33 PM   #2
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Piranna ~ I am going to tell you like it is. If you were so sure about your future with your present BF you wouldn't even be here posting all of this and emailing with your ex and entertaining such thoughts & possibilities with him. I know from your past posts that you have alot of valid concerns about your future happiness with your BF and the effects that his family will have on you. Your future in laws are not going to change or go away and so long as your BF is manipulated and controlled by them it will continue to go on until you & your BF stop them from doing so. If you have the chance, jump onto my thread regarding in laws and you will see what a toll it will take on a marriage. Thankfully we have survived however, I see a worse situation for you.

    Please look clearly at what is going on here. If you were so sure of your future with your BF your ex would remain a part of your past & you wouldn't be questioning anything like you seem to be. Marriage is not a time to think about a cushion in case things don't work out but rather a time to know that there will be no one else other than the one that you are to marry.

    Also....I personally think your ex is a jerk....he is engaged to an ex and emailing another ex planning a future with her as well. He's no good for you and will only bring you an unhappy future. Lose him.....he is no friend and certainly somebody not worth having in your future.

    Sorry for being so blunt but that's just the way I see it. ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-08-2005 at 08:36 PM.

     
    Old 07-08-2005, 08:35 PM   #3
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    I'm a little confused. Are you thinking of getting back together with this jerk that's already to cheat on this girl that he's engaged to? Why? Did you like the attention he was giving you? I would stay far, far away from this trouble...unless you want upset in your life. From what I've just read I really don't think you are ready to marry the man you are engaged (unoffically) to either. If he has no money, had to move home and his car was repos'd what are you living on? You'll be fighting over lack of money and have problems. Sorry but I's wait if I were you. Wait until he gets on his feet and can support you and any future children. Good luck.

     
    Old 07-08-2005, 08:57 PM   #4
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    I think you're thinking about this because deep down, your gut is telling you that you are far too young to settle down and especially to marry anyone. Besides the major issues you're facing with your fiance's family and the fact that it bothers you that giving you a ring to make your engagement official isn't a priority for your boyfriend, it sounds like you're also starting to second guess whether your current guy is the only one you ever want to be with for the rest of your life. I'm in my early/mid twenties (which if I recall correctly is only a few years older than you?) and honestly, I know that I am nowhere near ready to pledge the rest of my life to just one man. Like you, I've discussed marriage with past boyfriends and legitimately thought at the time that I'd spend my life with them, but with the two guys I was most serious about, their families ultimately were much too annoying, manipulative, and meddling for me to ever be happy spending my life with their sons. Marriage seems so romantic and wonderful from afar, particularly when you're as young as we are, but as it becomes more and more of a looming reality, it can all of a sudden start to seem pretty scary and restrictive. My guess as to why you're thinking about your ex is because you a) have unresolved feelings for him and may wish you'd been together when you were both more mature and the timing was better and b) you're wondering whether you are really ready to marry your fiance, if he is mature (especially when it comes to money) enough for marriage, and if you want to legally become part of his family and assume all the debts they will likely continue to accrue under his name. I can't advise you strongly enough to put off this wedding...if it was truly the right thing to do right now, you would have no doubts whatsoever and certainly no lingering feelings for any of your exes. You can always choose to marry your fiance, but once you go through with it, getting divorced is an extremely aggravating, expensive process that would leave you responsible for thousands and thousands of dollars of debt his parents have illegally piled up under his name. And if you ask me, very few people are actually ready to get married in their early twenties...maybe with old people it's different, but for our generation, early twenties is still really young, when most people are either still in school or living with and/or being supported by their parents.

    Also, most early twenty-somethings are not mature or experienced enough when it comes to sex and relationships to be certain that they are selecting the right partner for them to commit to for the rest of their lives. I don't know about your own experiences and feelings when it comes to sex, and I know that many women on these boards, particularly significantly older women, don't think sex is all that important in a marriage and don't seem to have a very strong sex drive, but to me it's an incredibly big deal. It certainly is to a variety of men--are you sure your fiance is ready to settle down? It makes me wonder a bit considering how immature he's been acting lately in picking little fights with you and in insisting that his trips and sports events are more important uses for money than buying you an engagement ring. Maybe he's starting to wonder himself whether he's really ready to spend the rest of his life with one woman and never have sex with anyone else again? It's certainly something you should think over--are you both 100% sure that you will be happy together without ever dating or sleeping with anyone else? For me, I just can't imagine making that commitment now, but again, I know that not all women love and prioritize sex like I do. For as far back as I can remember, I've been dying to experience sex in a variety of ways with a variety of appealing men. I would never want to settle down until I was sure that I had satisfied my desire to experiment, out of fairness to my husband--I think far too many people, particularly women, romanticize only having one partner or having minimal sexual experience prior to marriage, only to find themselves very unsatisfied by their partners and yearning to experience what else is out there. I just don't think you can have a happy marriage without a good sex life, and let's be honest, the less sexual encounters and partners you have had, the less skillful you'll be in bed, and
    the less confidence and experience you will have when it comes to knowing (and telling your partner) how to please you. I think marrying as a virgin is a huge mistake and a very silly, detrimental idea to begin with, and that no marriage will have as good a sex life as it could unless both partners have satisfied their sexual curiousity before settling down and learning a great deal about how to please themselves and their partners. I'm not saying that you lack experience; I have no idea whether this is true and it's obviously a private matter which is your, and only your, business. But from what you say about your ex, it sounds like your desire for men other than your partner has not been fully satisfied, which is a recipe for unhappiness and cheating when it comes to marriage. Think about all the people here in unhappy marriages because they are not satisfied sexually and/or are longing for partners other than their spouse...so much of this unhappiness and frustration could be avoided if everyone waited until they were undoubtedly mature and experienced enough before settling down. Again, I know sex isn't everything, and that some people don't place much importance on it, but among young people who grew up in an age where it was OK for women to indulge their strong sexual desires, experiment, and have a variety of partners, it is a very significant part of relationships. I don't think anyone should get married until they can honestly say that they have no desire whatsoever for anyone other than their partner (other than harmless fantasies, of course). If there is anyone else in your life that appeals to you sexually or romantically, I think that's a very clear sign that you're not ready for marriage at this point. Not that you never will be, and not that your fiance isn't the guy for you, just that your instincts are telling you in no uncertain terms that this just isn't the right step for you at this point in time.

     
    Old 07-08-2005, 11:28 PM   #5
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Thank you for the responses.

    Njoylife, I think you mis-read and havent been following my battle. His mom and step dad maxed out a couple of his credit cards without his knowledge. THEIR only vechial was repo'd, not my boyfriends. My boyfriend pays his own bills on time and doesnt have a problem w/money.

    Goody, I do know my ex is a jerk and I shouldnt even have let a thought cross through my mind. I needed to hear just this, that he isnt worth it anyway.

    As of now things will be called off. And will not be made official until there is a ring. I want our relationship to last. I've never been so comfortable with anyone before. This is the first guy I have really grown too.

    Snails as you were saying about partners and what not. I actually have a low sex drive granted we dont go without im not one to be in a hurry to "get it on". His is much higher then mine, and that has caused small clashes in the past but nothing to cause a big stir, we have gotten around it. We have both had 2 other partners in our lives. Ive never really thought about having sexual relations with anyone else.

    I want our relationship back to how it use to be, but all I can see is a huge brick wall right now. I want to get a place with him (i know things were good when he didnt live at home for the past year and i think in my mind if i get him out of there it will be better for the both of us). His mom came to him just the other day, she needed money to pay the electric bill or it would be shut off today (friday), my boyfriend didnt have any money, we just got back from our trip so we did a "check and cash" like thing for her. I know those things are like the devil but she "told" him she'd have it "payed" on time (i think you get two weeks).

    It's never ending, I just want to break down and cry more and more lately. We were so happy together, we hardly every faught, things were great. Then he moves home, and his parents care is repo'd, easy solution for them because my guy has one, now he lives at home and they need money to keep the eletric on...no problem he lives here again. I just want this to end!

    Last edited by Piranna65; 07-08-2005 at 11:33 PM. Reason: added/fixed

     
    Old 07-08-2005, 11:50 PM   #6
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Oh Piranna, I'm so sorry to hear that problems with his parents are popping up again. It makes me furious--I can't imagine how he much feel!--that on top of maxing out credit cards in his name, that they're now getting him into even more trouble with those short term loans. He really should take them to court, because otherwise I'll doubt he'll see much money from his parents toward what they owe him, and they'll definitely keep hitting him up for more and more money. That's so unfair to your poor guy...anyway, I think you have made a smart decision regarding the marriage. I think it's great that you want to give the relationship a chance and see what happens over time...I wish you guys the best of luck and hope you somehow find a way to get that family out of your lives!!

     
    Old 07-09-2005, 12:01 AM   #7
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    thank you snails, your advice is always welcomed and good hearted.

    I think he is starting to see the toll this is taking on me. He said to me the other day he has noticed i've been "acting different" And I told him its this whole situation.

    Do you think im silly for thinking if I get him out of there that it would eliminate some of the problems? Because I think it would just because I know he didnt live at home for a whole year and they never came to him for money (i guess they didnt need to cuz they had his cards). But I just think if I get him out it will limit the amount of time they spend together... i know that sounds soooo harsh and wrong of me but they are using him and i cant just sit back and watch.

    He didnt even want to tell me about the electric bill thing. He knew it would upset me even more. He told me and me, him and his brother had a discussion about "where does the money go" apparently they owe two cell phone companies money. One of the companies is over a grand or two. They owed the electric company around 400 (yeah whats the deal w/that place?). They have old student loans, my guess is they are paying on their computer since its from a place called rentall or something, where you make small monthley payments until it's yours (interest kills you on this). And I heard they still have to pay on their vechical that was repo'd to make up for a "loss" thats what they told my boyfriend and his brother. Im sure there are other debts but he listed them off to me and I told him I just cant see this getting taken care of sooner then later...

     
    Old 07-09-2005, 01:08 AM   #8
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Oh wow, it sounds like they owe on just about everything possible! What a nightmare, and I agree that I wonder what they could be spending so much on assuming at least one of them is working. I also right that thinking it would help a little if you got him out of there, but I don't think it would take care of the problem now that they're used to either stealing from him or begging him to repay their debts. Even if they stopped spending now, how long is it going to take to repay all the money he owes that they spent on the cards they obtained via identity theft? They could go to federal jail for that, and yet your fiance is not only not going to court, he's actually repaying their debt! I can't imagine how that is going to affect things in the future, except that he's not going to stop spending and owing money for them until he finds a way to seriously put his foot down once and for all. I know it's not his fault, but his parents are so shady, and I hate to think of what's going to happen if things keep going on like this...which is a very good reason to wait and see what happens rather than getting yourself legally involved in their financial problems. Let us know how it goes and good luck, OK?

     
    Old 07-09-2005, 07:56 AM   #9
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Piranna ~ I know that you love your BF dearly, there is no doubt in my mind that you do. As you have already noticed on my in law thread, it has taken over 18 years for me and my husband to make any headway on the problems we have been having. And I am not sure that it is totally resolved although this is the furthest we have come.

    Because of having endured all of what I have....the best advice I can give you is to ask yourself that if things didn't change (which I can assure you they won't) with his family could you live the rest of your life that way??? And from what I see you are still trying to get your BF to stand united with you against his family's manipulations and abuse. My advice is do not marry him until you are convinced that he is able to do so. Moving away from them will not do it....they will always find another way to get to him/you. You must be certain that you BF is willing to put you first before his family.....for that is the way it shold be once you are married. My husband did put me first before we were married and then the snakes moved in. If I had seen any of this coming my way and he hadn't made me feel like number one in his life I probably wouldn't have married him. You have yet to do that.....if you are not convinced that you are number one in his life now then it is only going to get worse after you get married.

    Most importantly...you are not going to change your BF's family but the two of you can make a change within yourselves in order to make sure that your future is one in which your new familu comes first and NOTHING will be able to come up against it. You need a solid foundation to build upon otherwise the storm will destroy the house that you try to build. Please remember that when you make your final decision in regards to marrying your BF. At the very least you need to make sure of these things before you say "I DO."

    ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 07-09-2005, 04:22 PM   #10
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    well snails, both parents work fulltime. Wouldnt know by looking though. He isnt paying the debt of the credit cards (yet). I told myself i wont marry him until I know they have paid for most of it.

    I was talking to him a little while ago, and he doesnt even remember telling me "i'll do you a favor, dont marry me" the night we got in that big blow out. He doesnt remember saying any of that stuff. Nice huh?

    I know his dad asked me the last time he was here where does the money go and I told him im just as dumb founded as he is you know that. Im finding it hard to be close to him right now without feeling "ugh" I know he means well and wants us to work too, but his family is taking its toll on me. I dont want to get married while having any doubts.

    I told him the other night while we were discussing this stuff again that it wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine for our recent fighting, that it is his parents fault and they are the one he needs to be bickering with. He didnt get the chance to respond since his brother kinda burst in while we were. Didnt matter to me I thought he needed to hear it.

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 06:03 AM   #11
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65

    I want our relationship back to how it use to be, but all I can see is a huge brick wall right now. I want to get a place with him (i know things were good when he didnt live at home for the past year and i think in my mind if i get him out of there it will be better for the both of us). His mom came to him just the other day, she needed money to pay the electric bill or it would be shut off today (friday), my boyfriend didnt have any money, we just got back from our trip so we did a "check and cash" like thing for her. I know those things are like the devil but she "told" him she'd have it "payed" on time (i think you get two weeks).
    Piranna ~ The only way you can possibly rise above all of this is to get your BF out of there. Do not do it in a controlling way, but sit down with him and be totally honest with him. Tell him how this entire situation stresses you even to the point of questioning whether or not you will marry him. Then come up with a plan. Tell him you understand how much he loves his family....they are his family and that he should. Then tell him loving his family does not mean sucking the blood out of him when he has no more to give. He doesn't have money so he needs to say NO!!! Let him know that you will help him to do this. Also let him know that if he cannot do so then you are not sure that you can have a future with him.

    I understand what you are going through because my husband & I have gone through this until most recently when we decided together that enough is enough. We stuck to our guns and disregarded the guilt and it worked.....it took over a month of back & forth phone calls of them even saying, "We have to tell you how insulted we are that you will not allow us to stay in your home when we would never close the door to you." Tom told his sisters that they were told it was inconvenient and to pick another time that was more convenient for us. The last phone call to him she said that they would not be able to see us this summer. (Almost a way of driving the stake in as if saying "well if we don't have it our way then we won't see you at all.) This was Tom's biggest fear, his family abandoning him.

    Well....Tom is away now and has no idea how his persistence in taking a stand of not allowing them to walk all over us like they have in the past has finally paid off. My sister in law had not only offered me an apology & promise of not doing so in the future but also a promise of helping us get this through her Mom as well who is the worst perpertrator of them all!!!

    So.....I cannot express the importance of saying NO and standing your ground. In the most recent incident your BF had no money to give them which is the truth. He could have easily said no but they have no credit and are now relying on the only thing you & your BF have left. They are users and see you as prey, once they no longer see you as so they will move onto somebody else. A cyber best friend here had shared that with me and it is so very true.

    You and your BF can do this. Your plan should consist of his getting out of there, announcing that he will no longer be responsible for his family's debts, and move out. He will need your support....they will probably give him the cold shoulder for a while but they will come back on the terms and with the boundaries that you & your BF have set for your future. Unless you can set them now, you will have years of upsetment that will most definitely take it's toll on any marriage, even the strongest. The difference betwen you & I is that Tom's family all lived in NY when we first got married. Eventually they all moved to NC & FL and the trouble came when they visited and took over our household as if it were there own. Setting boundaries should have been done years ago....but there were too many other issues that had Tom fearing that he would be left abandoned by his family. But we see now that taking the risk in setting those boundaries was well worth it and something we should have done long ago. Tom has yet to see how it all paid off, and a happy day it will be when he returns.

    Piranna, you have to do this. You will not have peace until you do. And your BF won't either. Sit down, formualte a plan and stick to it NO MATTER WHAT!!! When they ask for money say NO!! His mom may pull a visit to the doctor....send her some flowers. No more money....you just don't have it!!! And even if you did....giving it to them is just enabling them the opportunity to take advantage of you!!!.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-10-2005 at 06:10 AM.

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 11:13 AM   #12
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Thanks so much for the support here goody. I think your plan is a great idea. I will come up with a way of talking to him about this possibly tonight. If he isnt willing to start telling them "NO" then I'm going to tell him I dont know where I stand, but I dont want to be dealing with this.

    He has other things to deal with. He moved back there to 'save' money, since he's been there he's been more broke then he was when he lived in his apartment paying rent! It drives me insane! I want us to be happy, but like you said and see there is no way this will be possibile until they quit mooching.

    You did state that they will probably give us the silent treatment for a while. Infact Im sure his mother would, she's a drama queen when it comes to this stuff, and is easily upset and turned off by the simpliest things. But what if getting him out of there and telling them no more money means she stops paying the credit card debt? It's all in his name. What if I get him out of there and it backfires on us where we have to pay their debt, I wouldnt want to just abandon him if this happens, but there is NO WAY I will put one cent towards there debt no way!

    His brother was telling us that they already claimed backrupcy once in the past and have to wait another 5 years or something before they can do it again (sad to think they already plan to). I will talk to him tonight and let him know what my plans are, getting him out of there and asking him to stop giving them money, I would like a ring eventually and this way he can start saving before we get our own place. I will start looking in todays paper actually haha.

    Oh yeah and on a lighter note my guy decided not to go to one of the sporting events that was coming up next week, he's going to stay! I dont think it was because he wanted I think it was because he wont have any cash. BLAH.

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 11:50 AM   #13
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65
    You did state that they will probably give us the silent treatment for a while. Infact Im sure his mother would, she's a drama queen when it comes to this stuff, and is easily upset and turned off by the simpliest things. But what if getting him out of there and telling them no more money means she stops paying the credit card debt? It's all in his name. What if I get him out of there and it backfires on us where we have to pay their debt, I wouldnt want to just abandon him if this happens, but there is NO WAY I will put one cent towards there debt no way!.
    The way I look at it, there is a pretty good chance that you may end up paying any debt that is in your BF's name anyway. I assume you are talking about the credit cards as well as the cash charge you just took out. You need to not allow them to leave you with the feeling of taking you hostage here. If need be you will have a plan B in which you take them to court to recup the money. I hate watching Judge Judy with families going through all of this but his family is wrong and needs to make ammends. I know that is not where you wish to be but part of plan B may be to take on the debt and do not allow yourselves to be placed in that position ever again.

    I know what you are going through more than you may think. Years ago my husband & I had to personally take on an IRS debt for the family business. It wasn't my husbands doing but his family left us holding the bag.
    We personally lost $100,000 after his pay had been garnished for over 5 years.....we lost all our savings and his family stood by and watched this all happen. We had liens on our home and for years our credit was bad. We survived and came out better people because of it. Unfortunately my husband lost most of his respect for his one sister who was half owner of the business and somewhat towards his dad who could have persuaded her to do the right thing. Most people would have allowed this to destroy their relationship, however, it wasn't my husbnd's fault and you can't squeeze blood out of stone. My husband & I didn't allow his families behavior to destroy us nor make us any lesser than we were. We are happy and survived through the good times and bad....for richer or poorer the way a marriage should.

    I don't know exactly how much of a debt you are talking about....but to be honest.....you are not married yet and you must decide together when you come up with a plan if you can manage the debt if they don't come through without holding grudges towards your BF. I was married, you are not. I must be honest & tell you that it wasn't easy not feeling disappointed in my husband for losing so much. But it wasn't his fault that his family was unable to do right by us....the way I saw it we could do one of two things, allow it to destroy what was most precious to us by getting angry and full of hate & vengence or step up to the plate and come out better and survivors of such tribulation. His family will have to live with their wrongdoing and we know that we did what was right in the end. The big difference for you will be if your BF can convince you that you will never go through this again. Right now so long as he is manipulated and unable to stand up against them, then there is a good chance that this type of behavior will continue and you will be unhappy.

    I do not want to misadvise you....to be honest with you if these things had happened to me before we were married as they are with you I might not be able to marry the guy. But in my case I have miraculously seen firsthand that love conquers all. You need to see if that pertains in your case as well. The important thing is to realize that this is a real part of your
    BF's life and if you love him enough and are strong enough to take him all....the good & the bad. But you don't need to make yourself a martyr in order to find love & happiness. That's the difference. ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-10-2005 at 12:24 PM.

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 12:21 PM   #14
    Piranna65
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    Well the cash loan thing was again done in my boyfriends name. And is parents are suppose to pay it off next friday. We shall see.

    It's great that you and your husband were able to get past this, im not even married to my guy yet and all I can think is what if his parents stiff us w/this debt. In my heart I dont think my boyfriend couldnt take them to court because they are family and he knows they are already suffering.

    I guess they will be paying off their student loans till they are like 70? Which means they didnt pay the darn things for a few years after they quit school for one, and two they must not be garnishing much out of the both of they're wages other wise this shouldnt take 30+ years to pay off! That is the biggest thing with my boyfriend he knows if he ever goes to college he wants to know what he's going to do because he doesnt want to end up like his parents now. His brother said the same thing (he will be moving to live with his dad in a month or so here) he says "All I know is I dont want to live like this when I get older'' How sad is it to watch their family take such a toll on my boyfriend and his brother, not to mention they have a younger sister who isnt even 14 yet who has yet to go through some of this.

     
    Old 07-10-2005, 01:22 PM   #15
    Snails
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    Re: My past is lerking...

    I think Goody gave you great advice, though I agree that whether or not a relationship can survive such difficult family issues depends on whether a) your BF is willing to take a firm stand against any more of his parents' begging, borrowing, and stealing from him and refuse to allow any of these behaviors to continue, and b) he has to be firmly committed to you as his main priority and closest ally in life--this means putting the best interests of you and him above those of him family and doing whatever is necessary, including moving out of his parents' house, to protect your marriage from their destructive and stressful influence. Is he willing to put his foot down and refuse to loan them anymore money, move out, let his family know that you are his family now and his new nuclear family must be his main concern? If he will stand beside you and take a stand, I think you guys have a good chance of making it through this together, but if he is unwilling to be firm about cutting his parents off and ensuring that they not only pay the debt they've accrued illegally in his name, but from here on out never steal or manipulate him into getting them more money. I feel so badly for you both that outside influences are causing such an understandably painful strain on your relationship, and family influences are some of the most powerful and the most frustrating, because they are so difficult to escape without guilt. I wish you guys all the best of luck and especially hope that your boyfriend is able to get out from under their manipulative influence and avoid any future mooching...however, only he can make that decision and only he can find the strength, hopefully with your support, to cut his family off and be aggressive and persistent about not repaying their debts for them. What is his attitude about all this? Do you think he is willing to put your marriage before his parents' interests and firmly refuse to let them take further advantage of him financially? Is he committed to making his parents repay the money they owe him by whatever means necessary, or would he rather have thousands of dollars of someone else's debt hanging over you as you start a new life together? Finally, what steps, if any, has he taken to ensure that his parents will not open more accounts or borrow more money in his name, considering that his parents have had no qualms about stealing from him in the past? These are just a few ideas I think you should think about before making any decisions about your future with your fiance...if I was you, I'd suggest working up a list of things you want to discuss and try to resolve while deciding how to proceed. It's best to be on the same page about important issues like money and family before you take a major step like marriage. I wish you all the best!

     
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