It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • My past is lerking...

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 07-10-2005, 04:26 PM   #16
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: My past is lerking...

    thank you again snails. I have already been thinking of what I need to mention to him if I see him tonight. The fact about marriage is the top of the list and if he wants it to happen this is how it's going to have to be. I've already told myself I cannot marry him unless this is being paid of promply, I dont want us to get married and have his mom and step dad look as us and say ....they can pay it they are doing much better then we are....

    I dont want to make him "choose'' I'd like to see him come flat out and tell me its done no more money to them I swear. Now they owe the check and cash thing (not them my boyfriend really) for the electric. You know? Whats next? What bill/s cant they pay for next??? I've told him I just dont understand how any family member can do this to their child, i still dont see it actually. Neither does my boyfriend.

    Here's my list so far, 1.Money situation, needs to end they shouldnt be dependent on him. 2. This debt needs to start moving otherwise I wont get married for some time. 3. (unsure of this idea let me know what you think) Making his parents sign something saying that they WILL pay the whole debt off, this way if they stop then we can take them to court? 4. family usage of his vehical, if we move out, this ends, they have no respect for it anyway and rarely put gas it! 5. The most recent check and cash that he made should be the last for them!

    I feel like there should be a lot more on this list? Am I missing something because im sure I am!

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 07-10-2005, 06:51 PM   #17
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: My past is lerking...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65
    The fact about marriage is the top of the list and if he wants it to happen this is how it's going to have to be. I've already told myself I cannot marry him unless this is being paid of promply, I dont want us to get married and have his mom and step dad look as us and say ....they can pay it they are doing much better then we are....
    I think this is a very wise decision, Piranna. But from what you describe I don't think that the debts that you are speaking about will be paid off promptly. I'm a little confused....they took out a credit card in your BF's name. Are they paying it off??? Or are you & your BF intending on doing so....who needs to pay the debt off promptly, his parents??? Because if this is so I don't see anything prompt about it These people have been in debt forever, what makes you think that they are going to do anything promptly now???

    Also...you need to be so careful that you don't come across as controlling and as a dictator. You need to be understanding in the sense that this is his family flaws & all but make it clear that you need to come first and that you cannot take on his family's financial difficulty. The two of you already have your own.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Pirannna65
    I dont want to make him "choose'' I'd like to see him come flat out and tell me its done no more money to them I swear. Now they owe the check and cash thing (not them my boyfriend really) for the electric. You know? Whats next? What bill/s cant they pay for next??? I've told him I just dont understand how any family member can do this to their child, i still dont see it actually. Neither does my boyfriend.
    They will do it until he says NO and sticks to it no matter what. So long as they see that he can be broken down with guilt they will continue doing so. You must convince him that people that love one another will not treat each other this way using them and taking advantage of them. They need to know where the boundaries are and that is that you are not a bank.....they need to go to work and do whatever it takes to make the money they need in order to pay their bills just like everyone else does.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Pirannna65
    Here's my list so far, 1.Money situation, needs to end they shouldnt be dependent on him. 2. This debt needs to start moving otherwise I wont get married for some time. 3. (unsure of this idea let me know what you think) Making his parents sign something saying that they WILL pay the whole debt off, this way if they stop then we can take them to court? 4. family usage of his vehical, if we move out, this ends, they have no respect for it anyway and rarely put gas it! 5. The most recent check and cash that he made should be the last for them!
    You need to make it clear & simple.....you will not give them anymore money no matter what!!! The hard part is standing united and not allowing the guilt to pull you down like a ball & chain aroung your neck They shouldn't use his vehicle at all...he makes the payments and maintains it and pays for the insurance. Let them walk or get a cab or bike it to where they need to go. A ride once in a while somewhere on the way to where he is going is okay but he shouldn't become their personal chauffer

    Signing a note might be good in the sense of keeping track of their payments and making it more real in the sense of seeing it on paper. Each time they pay an installment a signature from you should serve as a receipt and documentation and be sure to note the balance. Should they miss any payments it won't become an issue of your word against theirs. So I think this would be a good idea.

    I can't tell you how important it is that you see in action that your BF doesn't cave in whenever his family needs money or take from him/you in anyway before you consider marrying him. I know that this may be difficult but your BF needs to know that this must be done before you will consider a future with him or set a date. That should be a definite on your list.

    Please keep us posted as to how things go.....Goody

     
    Old 07-11-2005, 07:25 PM   #18
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: My past is lerking...

    thanks again goody.

    As of right now his parents are paying the credit card debt, as they rightfully should be! My boyfriend hasnt made any payments towards the credit debt itself and if he does I will be furious because he knows how I feel about all of this.

    I didnt get a chance to talk to him last night. We ended up at a BBQ and had a few drinks. i didnt want to bring things up once we had a few in us like I have the past couple of times.

    Your probably right when it comes to the fact that things wont be paid for promply with them. And that drives me insane because I think they should be giving it they're all since it wasnt their credit cards to max out! I would love to see my boyfriend tell them "no more money for you guys" and I'd love for him to tell them "you guys are the reason we arent getting married as planned" I know that may seen harsh, but I think they need to know that they have ruined plans for our future! That it is they're fault that Im not going to get married to him until things are paid, and I think they should have that guilt on their shoulders! (not that they will feel all that guilty, they dont seem to be depressed or upset about getting him in this pickle!)

    I dont want this to be taken out on my boyfriend because its not like its his fault this happened, but I feel like he could be doing more to get this debt taken care of, by talking to them and telling them they NEED to start paying more then 80 or so dollars a month!

    I know he's going to be upset with when I tell him some of the things we have discussed in this, but I have it in my mind that if he gets upset Im going to remind him why it happened. Then he can take it up with them, and it will be more motivation I think too.

     
    Old 07-12-2005, 06:59 AM   #19
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: My past is lerking...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65
    Your probably right when it comes to the fact that things wont be paid for promply with them. And that drives me insane because I think they should be giving it they're all since it wasnt their credit cards to max out! I would love to see my boyfriend tell them "no more money for you guys" and I'd love for him to tell them "you guys are the reason we arent getting married as planned" I know that may seen harsh, but I think they need to know that they have ruined plans for our future! That it is they're fault that Im not going to get married to him until things are paid, and I think they should have that guilt on their shoulders! (not that they will feel all that guilty, they dont seem to be depressed or upset about getting him in this pickle!)

    I dont want this to be taken out on my boyfriend because its not like its his fault this happened, but I feel like he could be doing more to get this debt taken care of, by talking to them and telling them they NEED to start paying more then 80 or so dollars a month!

    I know he's going to be upset with when I tell him some of the things we have discussed in this, but I have it in my mind that if he gets upset Im going to remind him why it happened. Then he can take it up with them, and it will be more motivation I think too.
    Piranna ~ Please be very careful how you go about this. You must remember that this is his family and through good & bad he will always see them as so. We can't choose our family and so our love for them usually is the unconditional kind. Now as far as their behavior goes, both you & your BF CAN choose what is acceptable & what is not. You BOTH know that they manage money poorly, they do not pay off their debts and that they are deceitful. You & your BF may have no control over what's happened in the past but you certainly have control over what happens in the future. Let the past be the past....look at the worst case scenario & go with that. That would be that they will not pay off the debt. Can you live with that??? If not then you may need to reevaluate your future with your BF. He hadvery little control over what his family did but he needs to prove to you that he will do everything in his power to prevent this from ever happening again. Now you need to work from that and decide whether or not you can go on from there and insure that this never happens again.

    This is where you need to sit down with your BF. You need to tell him that under no circiumstances will the two of you allow this to ever happen again. Make a list of how you can protect your credit. If they have opened credit cards in your BF's name there is a good chance that they will try to do so again. My brother runs the credit card fraud division of a major credit card company....I am going to ask him what is the best thing you can do to protect yourself from allowing this to happen again. I will get back to you on that. Meanwhile, you need to tell your BF that you understand he loves his family but that in order for the two of you to have any future together that you need his promise that he will put you first and stand unitied with you NO MATTER WHAT in making sure his family does not take advantage of you ever again. PERIOD. Make it clear that this is the only way you see a future with him and if he cannot promise you this then you need to walk away. See what his reaction to this is and then together formulate a plan. Tell him that because he loves his family that you may see things more clearly and to not take it badly in anyway.

    You do need to talk about this. To ignore it is only leaving it to stare you in the face throughout your entire future. Taking care of this now will preserve your future in which you will not suffer the manipulation and abuse of his family towards yours. They need to hear in no uncertain terms that enough is enough.

    I will get back to you later with some info about how to best protect your credit. ~ Goody

     
    Old 07-12-2005, 05:50 PM   #20
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: My past is lerking...

    thanks again goody, any adivice I can get is extremely useful.

    I know I need to be careful how I approach him, I expect he will get upset anyway I go about doing this. Even if I am a little more conservative. I talked to him last night for a bit when he got off of work. All he has is his cell phone, his parents never did get their landline hooked back up, no surprise there. And he doesnt get service insdie his house so it was limited. I did tell him i'd like to talk about marriage plans, living arrangments and postponing our marriage.

    He does work again tonight so if he gets off at a decent hour we will be sitting down to discuss things.

    I know this is his family and there is that unconditional love thing. I've told him I can understand why he'd get mad at me for voicing my concern, i've also told him it'd be a lot easier for him to see my point of view if he was on the outside looking in like myself. I know that isnt a possible thing for him to do, but I can make my point.

    I will go as gentle as I can with him. But will be stern at the same time. He's too good hearted sometimes, his dad even says so. Im going to tell him I dont want either of us to pay this debt. (i'll leave out that I think his parents wont keep it up). I will run it by him about having them sign something. i know that may seem Extreme to him, but if he was in my shoes he should see why I want them to sign something. I can see his mother flipping a nut if he were to ask her to actually sign a piece of paper that says "you will pay this yada yada yada" Then the guilt trip will happen all over again!

    I hope I do get my chance to talk to him tonight. Im feeling better about getting this stuff off of my chest and trying to get things rolling. I have already prepared myself for an upset boyfriend, but im in a difficult situation too. Im torn between sticking with my boyfriend whose parents were irresponsible and racked up a nasty debt, or not dealing with this at all. And the only way that will happen is if we call off any form of marriage. I know people have heard marriage is planned, i'll feel a bit stupid, but at least I wont have to worry about the day his parents dont make a payment!

     
    Old 07-14-2005, 04:20 PM   #21
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: My past is lerking...

    Okay, Piranna, I just spoke to my brother and got some info. for you . He said that in order to prevent further problems with your BF's parents your BF would have to go do a search under the FTC (Federal Trade Commission) and go under Identity theft. From there he would have to file a victims statement with the credit bureau (sp?) for each credit card. This will then alert all credit card companies that he has had a problem and if a credit card application is filed they will have to call him and get permission from him to issue the card. This is what you need to make sure that your future in laws and anyone else never steals your credit again.

    Now...he also told me that your BF can make it so that he is not responsible for the charges that your BF's parents ran up by not making any payments on the card and notifying the credt card company that he did not make the charges. Your BF will then have to sign an affadavit and disclose to them who it is that he thinks/knows ran up the disputed charges and then file a police report. I know that this may be difficult but it is the only way that you will not be held liable for the charges. That's coming from the president of a large credit card company/bank in charge of the fraud department. My mother once called to check into something with her credit card & the person on the other end knew my brother and told my mother so As you can see...Goody is quite proud of him. A West Point grad to boot!!!

    I hope this helps you & your BF out...BTW how are things going???

    You are in my thoughts & prayers....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-14-2005 at 04:46 PM.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Overcoming jealousy of gf's past OTbass Relationship Health 12 12-31-2008 09:39 AM
    Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships ladyjustice Relationship Health 14 10-29-2008 11:46 AM
    Bothered by girlfriend's past holdfasthop Relationship Health 25 01-08-2008 04:31 AM
    obsessing over past events purplegirl1 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 15 04-23-2007 08:34 PM
    GirlsFriends "past" Encounters kill me. (us) ShadowShinobi Mental Health 3 04-02-2007 04:47 PM
    My girlfriends past... newyorkny36 Relationship Health 19 02-04-2006 12:32 PM
    Is the past always the past Salinas1 Relationship Health 56 06-21-2004 09:04 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:13 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!