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    Old 07-12-2005, 08:23 PM   #16
    Snails
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    You know LittleRose, these are PRECISELY the thoughts I was having today. I couldn't really sleep that well last night (ok, I got 2 hours, that's something), so my brain might not be functioning at its optimal level, but I just can't help but feel SO disappointed that he even has to think about this. I wish he would tell her to get lost without having to go away to clear his head. It's not like they broke up a month ago--it was more than half a year ago, so I would think he should be able to decide quicker than this. The fact he pulled away to such an extent that he did and is now needing to think about this shows me that he is at least considering the possibility of going back with her. I don't care how much logical sense it makes to me, I still don't like it one bit.

    Believe it or not, I WAS actually thinking about telling him tonight that I cannot date him at this time, when he's obviously still emotionally attached to his ex. I'm torn between waiting till he comes back and just telling him now that I'm not interested in dating anyone who's not emotionally ready for it. I mean, let's say he comes back and says he's choosing me, am I supposed to jump up and down for joy and wag my tail like a puppy who just got his favorite biscuit? I really, really resent having to compete with some ex girlfriend over a guy. See, this is what I'm most afraid of is that even if he comes back and wants to be with me, I will not be as enthusiastic about him anymore simply because I just don't feel like he's crazy about me. Nobody who's absolutely smitten with me would need to think about getting back with an ex who supposedly wasn't treating him so well. I just can't be happy about this situation either way
    Hi there Sophia,

    I'm so outraged and upset for you that NG would pull something like this just when you were opening up to him and starting to feel attached. I can't imagine how he let things get to this point rather than being honest with both you and his ex all along, and I'm bordering on no longer being much of a fan of his . I wish I could have posted sooner in response to some very kind comments like Goody's last night, but today was very busy and my internet access has been flaky. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to write sooner--how are you doing, Sophia? Please remember that we are all here for you whenever you want to vent, ask questions, etc.--it's okay to wallow now and try to come to some sense of resolution regarding NG. Have you come to any conclusions about how you want to respond to him from now on, or if you're going to wait until after his trip or talk to him before he leaves? For what it's worth, I agree with Little Rose's advice and some of the other posters who agreed with you that you deserve better treatment--no woman should ever have to lower her dignity by competing for a man's interest! In fact, I don't think there is much that is a bigger turnoff to men than seeing women size each other up jealously, hearing them compare themselves to other women and beg for reassurance (do you think she's pretty? prettier than ME?), or otherwise feeling even the tiniest bit threatened by other women, who she doesn't even consider competition. Truly confident women with high self-esteem believe deep down that they are an excellent catch and that many men would love to have them, and this is one important component of inner beauty and confidence that everyone finds attractive and appealing.

    My point here is that first of all, you deserve a guy who would never pull a mean and immature stunt like this regarding an ex (or any other woman, for that matter). Come on, he's been broken up with her for twice as long as I've been split from Patrick, and so I really don't think the whole rebound thing is any excuse. Either he never took the time and bothered to use his energy to move on, or he never cared about her all that much but now that she knows he has you, he's all of a sudden interested in her for the simple reason that she seems to be throwing herself at him. He’d have to be really blind not to see why she’s putting such an effort into rekindling their relationship now of all times, and so suddenly after seeing you guys together. I don’t know…to me there seem like a few different possible scenarios could be occurring with NG, and I’m not happy about any of them. So while I definitely think you deserve some answers, I also think you’re probably better off telling NG that he can call you if and only if he gets his head straight and wants to be with you exclusively again. If you are still single, you’ll consider giving him a second chance…that is definitely as nice as I would possibly be to NG if I was in your shoes.

    That is both because he doesn’t deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect by you now after dangling a lot of promises in front of you then letting you down big time and because the first possible reason why he might be doing this that comes to mind is as a test of sorts. The way he’s been acting lately reminds me of a man who is uncertain about whether the woman he is dating is right for him—he seems kind of concerned that you will demand more of his time and energy than he is willing to give up, or infringe on his freedom and ability to travel light in life more than he wants. I don’t think you are—it seems more like he’s the one with the issues here …but still, he may have told you about his ex to see if you would react by acting clingy and jealous towards him or if you were the confident and independent woman he wanted and would therefore respond by telling him that you can do better and to get lost. He could also be seeing how threatened you get by other women, whether exes or platonic friends or coworkers, to see how much latitude he’ll have to be around other women without you being jealous, or see if you have the self-esteem not to lower yourself by comparing yourself, or competing, against any other women—you are better than that, and the right man for you will continually act like you are the only woman in the room. That’s the bottom line here, and I am really happy that you see how much better you deserve from the man in your life.

    Anyway, whatever his reasons, NG’s behavior was really rude and slimy in my book, though I do grudgingly agree with whoever praised him for at least being honest. Still, none of us should ever waste another minute on a man whose only reaction to his ex resuming contact is to tell her politely that he is involved and happy with someone else now. If he has to think about it at all…well, I don’t think any of us like the implications of that! In your case, Sophia, I might consider giving him another chance if he decides for sure that he wants to be with you and make it up to you, but I’m not sure I see him having the confidence and astuteness to do so…maybe he’s just happier never leaving his little bubble world where he’s already dated all the female inhabitants? I am sorry if this came across as a little blunt; I’m not the best at being sympathetic but I do feel for you big time, Sophia. Unfortunately, as you said, neither of your options are all that great when it comes to NG, but I know one thing you should definitely do: go back to online dating and being willing to consider other date proposals from those cute guys on the street who can’t take their eyes off of you!

     
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    Old 07-12-2005, 08:24 PM   #17
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia ~ This is just one of those times that Goody would like to hold your hand. I know that you are far more deserving of somebody who has his life in order and not full of confusion. I have been here with you for sometime now and you have been through the ringer with guys who are unsure and giving you mixed signals, ex's calling you out of the blue wanting to see you again andthen walking away.....enough is enough. Leave my friend, Sophia, alone!!!!

    I don't have any magic answers except that this sucks and NG is a fool for allowing an ex to steer him away from somebody as caring and wonderful as YOU. All I can say is that you are right in the sense that if he were as crazy about you as you would like, he wouldn't be such a smuck and leave you tormented wondering which way he is going to go. Unless he returns with a way of telling you and showing you that he was a complete idiot for not seeing this ex's motives and that he is going to make it up to you....I think that there is little else he can do to restore your faith in him. I think you basically know that he has lost major points with you and most likely he will be unable to earn them back unless he does something outstanding to win your heart back. I know that you put alot into this in terms of hope but it could have been much worse. And you are right....I didn't leave Tom hanging and feeling confused as NG has done to you.

    I wish I could help more, Sophia. Realguy may be right in the sense that NG has too many issues and I would hate to believe that he might be going away with the ex. Do you think that is a possibility from your phone conversations??? And I think it is best that you don't answer his calls. You really don't know what to say and you are giving him time to "clear his head". You are in no condition to talk.

    The more I think about it the more I feel that you deserve a guy without the emotional baggage. He may be great looking and a nice guy, but he is not making you feel like #1. And you deserve to be a guys #1.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 07-12-2005, 08:51 PM   #18
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Stacy, are you saying that he might have MADE UP the whole story of his ex chasing him like a madwoman for the purpose of some sort of "test"??? That would be totally mind-boggling to me. Why spend so much energy on something so silly? Either way, I didn't show him I was threatened by her in any way, so at least I'm happy about that. I feel all the problems started on Monday, July 4th. He probably saw her somewhere when he went to see the fireworks with a bunch of people. He's been acting different since then.

    I don't know what I want to do just yet. I am kind of inclined to just not speak to him again before his trip at all and see how he acts. I don't think he was "slimy" because at least he didn't try to play either me or the ex and he didn't try to take advantage of me by sleeping with me and then dumping me, so I think that's too harsh to call him that, but he definitely doesn't seem to know what he wants. I mean, if I could tell my ex to get lost (and didn't even bother to inform NG about his phonecall because why bother him with it), then he could have told his ex gf the same thing in so many words. Obviously he must have been encouraging her by having conversations with her; otherwise she wouldn't be calling. And why would someone who truly thinks I'm so "amazing" and "awesome" be willing to take a chance of losing me for someone who's already proved to be not good for him?

    Goody, we are on the same wavelength again It also crossed my mind that, how do I know if he's not taking the ex on this business trip with him??? How do I even know it IS indeed a business trip? I have no way of finding out, of course. He told me he hasn't gone out with her at all, but as much as I want to believe him, it doesn't make sense that he wasn't available in such a long time and now needs this additional time to clear his head. Grrr, the more I think about it, the more irritated I get. Who the heck does he think he is? She wiggles her little finger and he runs to her like an obedient puppy? I am getting turned off as we speak. Maybe he doesn't really deserve any explanations from me and silence would be the best thing to do...

    Last edited by SophiaM; 07-12-2005 at 08:52 PM.

     
    Old 07-12-2005, 09:08 PM   #19
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Where exactly is this business trip??? And when exactly does he leave and when does he get back???

    I don't think that Stacy meant any harm in her use of the word "slimy". Your friends here are just very protective of you and any guy who plays with your feelings and hurts you has to deal with us.

    I think we're all second guessing oursleves here. I would like to know that you are going to get a good night's sleep tonite and not allow NG to cause you any more distress....I know, easier said than done, but there's really nothing you can do until he "clears is head". Except leave your options open to meeting somebody who will make it easier to make up your mind on what to do about NG.

    BTW...Goody may be heading out to NYC this weekend to celebrate a good friend's 40th birthday. We may stay at the Marriot Marquis after going to a comedy club. Any recommendations???? The plans are not yet finalized....her husband is making the arrangements and I should know more tomorrow. I think we both could use a good laugh.

    Hang in there, my friend. As many of your friends have already said....confidence is a must and don't allow NG to make you feel any other way. Hope you get some better sleep tonight. (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-12-2005 at 09:09 PM.

     
    Old 07-12-2005, 11:32 PM   #20
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Hey Sophia,

    I may be way off here, but do you think that it really was a "coincidence" when you and NG ran into the ex on your date. She might have somehow found out that you guys were going to be there and then purposely showed up (deciding that since NG was suddenly unavailable that she wanted him back) or maybe NG was secretly not over her and knew that she would be at the beach and he wanted to make her jealous by being seen there with you. I don't want to give you any new worries and I may be totally off, but I just thought that either of the above scenarios could be a possibility. It just seems weird that the first time you visit the area where NG lives, that you guys run into his ex of all people! It just makes me SO mad that NG even has to THINK about possibly returning to his ex and that he hasn't wanted to spend as much time with you lately!!


    *I just wanted to add that I hope my post doesn't come accross too mean--I am kind of in a man-hating mood right now--yet I still desperately want one--the right one anyway. I know there are still some good guys out there and hopefully NG really is one of them.

    Last edited by glamourgal; 07-13-2005 at 12:41 AM.

     
    Old 07-12-2005, 11:56 PM   #21
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Wow, yet another wonderful post full of insightful advice from Goody--I hope it helps you Sophia, and I'm sorry some of the things I said weren't worded that clearly. I didn't meant to suggest that NG would have made the whole ex situation up just to test you--we've seen no reason to think he was that kind of person anyway--but I think his bringing it up was definitely orchestrated to gauge your reaction, and by proxy, you when it comes to your feelings about other women, exes, etc. And I didn't call NG slimy as a person--I don't believe that is the case overall, but I stand by my comment that what he's done to you by bringing his ex into a situation that he had assured you was moving along and developing into something serious is slimy in a big way. I really think it's insulting for him to tell you that because you would never have the done the same thing if your positions were reversed, out of courtesy and concern for him and because you want to reassure him that you really like him (and him exclusively). The fact that he mentioned the ex specifically in the way he did makes me wonder if maybe something more sinister could be going on--I'd say at the very least, he's trying to make you jealous, upset, and/or angry to see how you react to "competition," and hopefully you'll show him that you are way too good to even consider other women competition. After all, it's not a ton of men out there wouldn't love the opportunity to be your boyfriend, date exclusively, and have you all to themselves . If NG is trying to provoke a reaction from you, which is probably to assuage his own insecurities, I don't think you should give him the satisfaction of lowering yourself to his ex's level in any way.

    You are 100% right that a wonderful woman like you deserves a man who is completely devoted to her and would never consider an offer of infidelity from another woman out of love and respect for you. But unfortunately, the only way to obtain this fidelity is if your man voluntarily grants it and follows through on his loyalty to you. The more any women chase men around demanding that they do exactly what we want, the more they run away, but if we use reverse psychology and tell them, fine, go right ahead, then they come running right back to us like scared little boys on the first day of school needing more affection before he can leave our sides. Being independent and not needing him to be happy will make anyone see you as much more desirable and attractive...there really is something to that "if you love something, let it go" saying. I think NG may be using his ex and this extended trip as a test to determine if you have the self-assuredness, self-sufficiency, and self-respect not to put up for one minute with having to compete in any way for a guy. Regardless of whether you still want to be with NG, telling him he MIGHT still have a chance if he calls you once he's made a final decision is the outcome that makes you seem the most confident, dignified, and independent. He'll either come crawling back respecting you more than ever and begging for forgiveness after realizing how rare and amazing a woman he found but didn't recognize at first, or else he'll leave you alone (which he would have done anyway, but at least this way you'll have your dignity intact and have put him in his place).

    I hope it's some consolation that you didn't sleep for NG before this happened, though I'm sure it still really hurts and makes you angry. I'm really sorry, Sophia--it never ceases to amaze me how seemingly great people can do mean and insensitive things right out of the blue, so I guess we should all be prepared for the worst in the dating jungle and hope to be pleasantly surprised? All in all, I guess people's dramatic turnarounds and inconsistencies make it so we're better off going slow when it comes to physical intimacy--at least until you really feel like you know and trust your partner. Then again, even that feeling can't always be trusted, so in some ways I wonder why we should ever bother waiting at all? I guess all we can really do is try to be true to ourselves and what makes us happy and comfortable, and once we set such boundaries, then don't be afraid to stick up for them and ourselves if our wishes are disrespected or violated. But in the end, unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any way to care about others and indulge our feelings and instincts but at the same time have a guarantee that we won't make ourselves vulnerable to getting hurt .

    Wow, well guys, sorry to write such a bummer post--it's been hitting me hard lately to see how relationships with great potential can have a dramatic turnaround or even end all in a very short space of time. It's surreal and very nerve-wrecking to get that feeling in the pit of your stomach like, uh oh, this isn't going to work--I've had a little taste of that with Justin two weekends ago, when his obnoxious drunk friend and his own beer buzz made me question whether he was really the guy for me, and then again last weekend when I got angry at him for essentially no reason whatsoever, and he respondeds with some of the same points and questions I'd raised the weekend before. OK, well I think I should post an update on my other thread about how I'm feeling about all this stuff because I don't want to impose any further on your thread, Sophia. I am really feeling bad for you and wish I was in your neck of the woods so we could go out for some drinks, gossip, and guy-watching a la Sex and the City ...by the way, please let me be Samantha? I don't have anything in common with the other characters except for being nerdy like Miranda …so who are you if you have to pick characters, my cyber relatives and buddies, and what have you been up to lately when it comes to guys? Sophia, please hang in there and don't make any impulsive decisions you may regret before you have a chance to weigh a varety of different alternatives that may be better choices. And always remember that you have lots of good friends here wishing you all the best, Sophia, and I personally have no doubt that you will make it through this wiser than ever, with more insight into men than before. Anyway, have a great week everyone!

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 03:18 AM   #22
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    This really is confusing. I don't understand we he keeps calling, yet doesn't make plans to see you. The fact that he does keep calling tells me he doesn't want you to lose interest. Also, the fact that he was honest about his ex and told you what was going on was a very mature thing to do. I really don't think he is trying to make you jealous, that is, if he really is the good guy you think he is. Mature and intelligent men don't do ridiculous things like this.

    Also, the fact that he didn't try to sleep with you tells me he has a certain amount of respect for you. It could be that he really is being truthful with you. If I were you, I wouldn't write him off completely just yet.

    Don't answer a few more of his calls for awhile and see what happens. I still think that maybe he is trying to find closure with this ex, but likes you at the same time.

    If I were you, I would go on other dates and ignore him for awhile. If he doesn't make plans to see you soon, then I would write him off.

    However, I would wait it out for awhile, I think, to see what he does. I know it's hard and you are very upset, but on the other hand, if you can steer correctly during this bend in the road, it might be worthwhile. Good luck!

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 04:24 AM   #23
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Where exactly is this business trip??? And when exactly does he leave and when does he get back???

    I don't think that Stacy meant any harm in her use of the word "slimy". Your friends here are just very protective of you and any guy who plays with your feelings and hurts you has to deal with us.

    I think we're all second guessing oursleves here. I would like to know that you are going to get a good night's sleep tonite and not allow NG to cause you any more distress....I know, easier said than done, but there's really nothing you can do until he "clears is head". Except leave your options open to meeting somebody who will make it easier to make up your mind on what to do about NG.

    BTW...Goody may be heading out to NYC this weekend to celebrate a good friend's 40th birthday. We may stay at the Marriot Marquis after going to a comedy club. Any recommendations???? The plans are not yet finalized....her husband is making the arrangements and I should know more tomorrow. I think we both could use a good laugh.

    Hang in there, my friend. As many of your friends have already said....confidence is a must and don't allow NG to make you feel any other way. Hope you get some better sleep tonight. (((HUGS))) ~ Goody
    Goody, he's leaving on Friday and coming back on July 24th or 25, I believe. The conference ends on the 21st, but he's taking a couple of extra days to just enjoy the beaches there, since it's all paid for by his company.

    I so much appreciate that you and other great friends on the board are so wonderfully supportive and trying to lift my spirits up. I think Stacy also made a good point that he just "wants to live in his bubble." The sentence really stood out to me, and I think it is partially because of our different backgrounds that NG might be having his doubts about this. I think his ex grew up in the same kind of privileged neighborhood and belongs to the same social class as NG does. I, on the other hand, come from a poor family and own nothing. My only assett is my education, which I am still completing. NG's friends own boats and houses, and take trips to Martha's Vineyard in their spare time. Do you see the discrepancy? I just don't belong in his perfect "bubble." I would be embarrassed to introduce him to my family, especially my mom who lives in a not so nice area and basically struggles to make ends meet, and is not in the least bit a sophisticated woman. My sister is married to a guy with two pittbulls who's covered in tattoos. You get the picture. I think this is the main problem with me: I often attract men who are "out of my class" because I can speak, act, and dress a certain way, and they probably have the wrong impression about my background. I would actually prefer to meet a guy who, like myself, comes from modest means and everything he accomplished is due to his own efforts and intelligence. I think he would be able to understand and relate to me more. But, so far, I haven't met such a man. Although, my last ex-boyfriend sort of fit that bill. His parents were working-class immigrants who worked very hard for years to offer their kids a decent standard of living and education. My ex-bf was very brilliant and is now a successful lawyer, but I don't feel intimidated by him or his friends. I just really can't see how it would ever work between myself and NG (sigh), so it's probably best if I end it now and save myself the heartache. I do think he's overall a good guy; I just don't belong in his circle.

    Goody, as far as comedy clubs, I would recommend Dangerfield's. What kind of food do you like? There are soo many choices in NYC as far as restaurants go. But I think you just have to have Sunday brunch at this place called Alice Tea Cup on 73rd and Columbus (it's decorated in the theme of Alice from Wonderland). They have a huge selection of all kinds of exotic teas and their food is delicious (chicken curry sandwich is yummy!). I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time in the city!

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 05:42 AM   #24
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Good Morning, Sophia First things first.....((((HUGS)))) I think you could use them big time. Okay, now that we have that out of the way I just want to say that you ought to lay off the worries of social classes and all. You are who you are and it's time to stop worrying about how it's going to be when a guy meets your parents. If you start adding that to your list you are just going to drive yourself & us crazy Let me tell you something....my family lived pretty much hand to mouth when I was growing up. I had to pay for my own education and came out with student loans and all. We didn't have any extras just the bare necessities but my parents were proud of me and when I finally got through those teenage years and saw how much they pushed me and supported me to achieve more than they did, I was proud of them too. Tom's family came from the nice neighborhood and were well off. But they had worked for that having grown up in the Bronx. I must say I was quite nervous when it came for our parents to meet.....it was sorta like the hillbillies meeting the Rockerfellers However, the one thing I loved about Tom's family was that they were not the showey offey people who had money. They were more down to earth type of people sorta like Oprah, who knew that it wasn't always this way and made their children work like everyone else & didn't just go handing things to them. I guess that earned alot of respect from me until they tried moving in with me

    Anyway....what I am trying to say is that you need to pick the things to worry about and disregard the things that you shouldn't. Any guy who falls in love with you won't care about your parents other than the fact that they brought you into the world and gave him the wonderful opportunity of meeting YOU. I know you worry about your mom being divorced as well.....when you have 50% of marriages ending that's a very good statistic of meeting somebody with divorced parents. You need to try to relax and look at the person that you are and see that she's made something wonderful of herself and should be proud of that person. And when the time comes that your Mr. Right meets your family he won't give a hoot because it is you that he loves and automatically your family will be loved by him too because they are part of you.

    I must agree with Greeneyes in the sense that NG must still care about you, otherwise he would stop the calls. He told you his conflict and trusted you enough with it. It would be so easy for him to just walk away after telling you since he gave you a reason but for some reason he isn't. I don't want to give you false hopes but I still think that he has some integrity...he opened up with you and trusted you with his conflict. He didn't sleep with you either which is honorable to mention. And he is calling you which he really doesn't have to do. Put that together and we have a confused guy who still cares for you. Perhaps he couldn't be the guy showing his feelings until he resolves this issue. I am guessing here but I don't think he has closure with his ex. Seeing someone and seeing that the relationship is no longer viable is important before we can move on to another. NG needs this and do not be surprised if he sees his ex one more time when he returns....he will need to in order to make it clear that he no longer sees her as part of his future. This meeting will be a must and will require understanding on your part. You say that I didn't do what NG is doing to ou with Tom. We are all different in the way we handle things. I am guessing that NG was really wanting to marry this girl and she said no. Now all of a sudden she is interested in him......that is major confusion for a man and double for an engineer

    Okay....now what I really need to say is that you need to realize that you really have very little control over this situation other than how you react to it. If you alow it to shake your confidence it leaves nothing shining for NG or for the next guy that apporaches you in the streets of NYC. Okay....you got thrown a curve ball happens alot in life.....do your best to catch it and follow through. That's all you can do...the rest is just out of your hands. You have had a few days to react to this now you can do one of two things....allow it to knock you to the ground or rise up above it with confidence knowing that you are still the wonderful Sophia that we love and care for. I'm voting for the latter.

    Thanks for the info regarding the city...we already have plans to eat at a classy italian restaurant that the birthday girl's son is a waiter at. He is going to be our personal waiter and my friend is going to be surprised. The restaurant is in Roslyn (where Goody was born BTW) but our plans of going into the city may be switched to a "Big Chill" night at Goody's summerhouse. The plans in the city, may be a bit much for everyone financially....but we are still trying to make a final decision on that. Bottom line being together is what matters most. I will definitely mention Dangerfields.....do you have to eat there or can you just go for the show???

    I hope my post and those before me allow you to see things a little better. I still think that you shouldn't talk to NG until you are able to do so with confidence. A few missed phone calls may be just what he needs in order for him to see things a little more clearly.

    ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-13-2005 at 05:48 AM.

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 06:54 AM   #25
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Great post Goody! I really think Goody nailed the situation on the head, Sophia. Don't let this situation errode your confidence! Taking an easygoing approach with NG, while at the same time not being quite so available, might just do the trick.

    And like Goody says, if a man truly loves you, it doesn't matter what your background may be. I hear stories of movie stars marrying secretaries and and similar stories all the time. Look at Prince Charles who married Diana, who was a school teacher at the time.

    I heard a saying one time, that stated something to the effect "never try to guide the course of love, for if it finds you, it will guide your course". To me this is saying, go with your gut feelings. Of course, this does not mean allowing yourself to be mistreated in any way. You have to teach people how you want to be treated; otherwise, they have no way of knowing. You can do this either by telling them, or you can do it by showing them with your actions. I prefer the latter. It seems to have more effect.

    I think it takes an incredible amount of intuition, emotional intelligence, and courage to build a budding romance when it's in the early stages. You can't love someone unless you make yourself vulnerable, and thus you open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. It's just a chance you have to take.

    My heart has been wounded a couple of times pretty badly, but I always bounced back and was able to fall in love again. I always learned a lot from the experience and from the mistakes I made. I never regretted having loved the men who could not return my love. We are not really victims here unless we makes ourselves. I just looked at these failed relationships as one of life's learning experiences and a way for me to grow. I hope this makes some sense to you.

    Have a good day. My boss is on vacation so I can get on the boards a little more.

    Last edited by greeneyes100; 07-13-2005 at 06:55 AM.

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 07:11 AM   #26
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Okay, Sophia....I just had to come back with something that I hope doesn't give you any false hopes but if my memory serves me right I believe that you are a Cancer. If you are then today's horoscope is quite interesting I suggest you sit down, it sorta knocked me over so here goes....


    CANCER (June 22 - July 22)

    Ever hear how oysters make pearls? Well, that loved one who's been anything but cooperative lately is your prospective pearl. Don't give up on them, even if they're going out of their way to make life difficult for you.



    Are you okay???? Did it blow you away like it did me??? BTW....your birthday must be coming up or has just passed....did you allow that to slip by....oh no, I think as I recall we did celebrate and you are not a Cancer I remember you turning 33....you're Capricorn but I still like this horoscope and want to keep it but will post Capricorns just in case This one applies to you as well so I don't think it was a bad thing on my part but since I originally saw you as a Cancer I wanna go with that one...At least this may keep your mind off of things for a while. Which isn't a bad thing As you can see I am ad libbing it!!


    CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

    If anyone knows that dreams can come true, it's your realistic sign. And being realistic doesn't mean you don't dream -- only that when you do, you only invest your emotions into the most worthwhile dreams.


    So, I'll allow you to get a good laugh out of Goody's good and yet confusing intentions.

    Auntie Greeneyes offers some insightful words in reminding us that in loving someone we leave our open hearts vulnerable to hurt. But when we do finally find the one....it'll all be worth it.

    Live & laugh and if somehow you fall flat on your face do it all over again!!! (like Goody does )

    ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-13-2005 at 07:14 AM.

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 07:45 AM   #27
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia, I got up early this morning and after catching up on the posts for you I was quite overwhelmed with all that was presented to you. As I was driving back, I knew you needed to have things simplified so the stress doesn’t overwhelm you. I’m not a bit surprised that Goody felt the same way and beat me to it. She even managed to get a poke in on engineers so I’m typing this with a patch over my eye. Sorry about the bad joke but I’m not a morning person.

    I agree with Goody’s general assessment of NG. At this point, I think you must view NG as a confused and “innocent until proven guilty” guy who has baggage and is not in a position to be in an exclusive relationship. I think that last part is very important because both he and you are confused now and definitely should not be in an exclusive relationship. No one can be sure what NG will decide and for that reason alone, you two must consider your relationship over. While this leaves you with a feeling of loss, it relieves you of the stress of being bound in an open-ended exclusive relationship. For now, moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself.

    What if NG comes back and tells you that he has cleared his head and wants you? He is still a guy with baggage. Maybe you like him enough that you might consider seeing him again nonexclusively assuming you haven’t caught someone else’s eye in the meantime. If so, he must treat you absolutely like gold to demonstrate he is over the ex. He must never give you the slightest doubt about him being crazy about you. He’s actions would have to be so extreme that they wouldn’t seem natural. So by the time he clears his head, you may decide you don’t want to deal with that type of relationship. The point is he has clearly broken the relationship and you must focus on yourself now rather than that relationship.

    Sophia, you are very wrong about one thing. Your background is one of your best assets. Look where you are now. Your background, intelligence and hard work have led you to be educated and kind-hearted. You are not self absorbed or high maintenance. We can tell these things by the way you describe your life. Your background was the foundation for all these fine qualities. I suspect many guys have a difficult time believing that such a smart and attractive girl as you can also be such a wonderful person. I seriously had that problem when I first met my wife and it took several dates for me to realize she had such substance. I think this problem is highly underrated.

    There is one good thing that has come from meeting NG. You have learned what a good guy acts like and how they treat someone they see as special. Now that you know that is no dream or myth, you should accept nothing less and I believe you will be more perceptive of those qualities in a guy and be better able to sense good guys quickly. In that sense these last few months have been a period of growth for you and that always leads to good things. Just don’t believe all the bad things that Goody tells you about engineers.

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 07-13-2005 at 08:01 AM.

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 07:54 AM   #28
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia I really don't think that your bf's openness about his uncertainties has got anything to do with honesty!!! Well I can sleep with another man, flirt with him, etc, and I wouldn't call it honest if I go to my BF and tell him the truth! Honesty, I think, is trying not to let down people who love us and devote themselves generously to us. Unfortuanately Sophia your BF should have been honest EARLIER. I had this problem with S's Ex, who treated him in the meanest ways possible when he with her abroad, prevented him from seeing his 2-year-old son for years, when she knew he had a new GF!!!! Just now, she planned to visit his mum and stay at her's, guess why? for him to see his son for a couple of hours!!!! I mean it's obvious. I posted her last message to me, which is one in many. For some reason, men seem to look nicer in the eyes of their ex-s when they are with someone new. I bet you she would treat him the same way she treated him before they broke up, if he would ever decide to allow her more room in his life. But this only says something about her: women who behave like this are pathetic and you should feel sorry for her because she obviously could not yet attract another man.

    I hope that things turn out the way yu want them to be
    D

    Last edited by Dido_H; 07-13-2005 at 07:59 AM.

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 08:16 AM   #29
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by greeneyes100
    I heard a saying one time, that stated something to the effect "never try to guide the course of love, for if it finds you, it will guide your course". To me this is saying, go with your gut feelings. Of course, this does not mean allowing yourself to be mistreated in any way. You have to teach people how you want to be treated; otherwise, they have no way of knowing. You can do this either by telling them, or you can do it by showing them with your actions. I prefer the latter. It seems to have more effect.
    Thanks auntie Greeneyes! I really love the above quote. You're right, it's not possible to control the course of love or a relationship, for that matter.

    And thank you guys for reassuring me that my modest upbringing and dysfunctional family shouldn't be an obstacle to a guy who's truly in love with me. I needed to hear it, because I often feel very insecure about this issue. I don't really fit in with my family, to be honest, and have always had a distinct feeling of being very different. You will laugh, but when I was a child, I was convinced that I was adopted! I am not, though. Being around my mother irritates the heck out of me because she represents everything I don't want to be. I usually get depressed when I'm in her company. Sorry if this sounds horrible, but that's how I feel. Sometimes I think that perhaps if I moved to another country where I have no family and started my life over, I might have a chance to turn my luck around.

    Heartland, you make so much sense. I really do consider my "relationship" with NG pretty much over. I am just not making any anouncements to him yet because I simply don't feel confident enough to be speaking to him just yet. Maybe if he calls me tonight I will say something, but I'm not sure if I'll be in the mood to talk to him even. Perhaps I should just let him go on his trip without any contact up to that point. If he is that confused and needing to think, I don't think we should be communicating in any form. As for the possibility of nonexclusive relationship after he comes back--it just doesn't sound appealing to me. I don't think it's a good thing to go backwards instead of forward in a relationship. I cannot develop the feelings of trust or closeness in a nonexclusive relationship, so there's no point in trying that option, in my view. Basically, the only way I would still give NG a chance is if he went out of his way to show me that he is very scared of losing me, and told me he is no longer confused and would be thrilled to be with me, and wants nothing to do with the ex. That's really the only way he could possibly redeem himself at this point.

    Anyway, thank you so much, my friends, for your wonderful advice and support. I will let you know if anything new develops. Oh, and Goody, when I read the horoscope (thank you for that, btw) I wish I were a Cancer or even a Capricorn, but I'm neither one of these signs. I'm a 100% Aries girl

     
    Old 07-13-2005, 08:23 AM   #30
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dido_H
    Sophia I really don't think that your bf's openness about his uncertainties has got anything to do with honesty!!! Well I can sleep with another man, flirt with him, etc, and I wouldn't call it honest if I go to my BF and tell him the truth! Honesty, I think, is trying not to let down people who love us and devote themselves generously to us. Unfortuanately Sophia your BF should have been honest EARLIER. I had this problem with S's Ex, who treated him in the meanest ways possible when he with her abroad, prevented him from seeing his 2-year-old son for years, when she knew he had a new GF!!!! Just now, she planned to visit his mum and stay at her's, guess why? for him to see his son for a couple of hours!!!! I mean it's obvious. I posted her last message to me, which is one in many. For some reason, men seem to look nicer in the eyes of their ex-s when they are with someone new. I bet you she would treat him the same way she treated him before they broke up, if he would ever decide to allow her more room in his life. But this only says something about her: women who behave like this are pathetic and you should feel sorry for her because she obviously could not yet attract another man.

    I hope that things turn out the way yu want them to be
    D
    Dido, so what do you think his motivation for telling me about it is?

    And you have a point--I definitely think his ex is pathetic for throwing herself at him like this. He would be a fool to go back to her after she treated him in a way that would justify him saying that in the end he left her because "he's had enough of her." It is very obvious she is so desperate to win him back mainly because he has someone new now. But, like you said, I am not going to concern myself with his pathetic ex or her conniving ways. If he goes back to her, then he really deserves her, in my opinion.

     
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