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    Old 07-14-2005, 12:36 PM   #46
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    That's true, Vintagegirl. You are making a very good point. I just have to let it go and realize that whatever happened or happens is not really in my control. He hasn't replied to that email btw, so I am not sure he saw it yet or not. Maybe he won't reply at all.
    Just let go and let God, Sophia. You stood up for yourself, and you weren't afraid to say "this is what I want, and I won't settle for less." I know it's hard and scary, and lonely, but I'm glad to see you taking such good care of yourself, and I thank you for setting such a good, strong, positive precedent for other younger girls here. I wish I had taken such good care of myself in my last romantic encounter. I think you saved yourself a good deal of heartache, and someone else some heartache as well. Hang tough.

     
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    Old 07-14-2005, 03:08 PM   #47
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia,
    I am so sorry you were hurt and I know the right person will come along at the right time. Please do not give up hope. I think you absolutely did the right thing by telling NG you could not see him and I think what you said in your e-mail was perfect. He will respect you more for having the dignity to stand up for yourself.
    I do have a few comments that I would like to make about the situation.
    Please do not drive yourself crazy with, "what if's." Even if you had not gone to the beach the day that he saw his ex, I guarantee you he would have bumped into her somewhere else since they live in the same town. It was only a matter of time and obviously in his head there is unfinished business or he would not need time to clear his head. So, either way, I don't think he is emotionally ready to love someone else again.
    Didn't you tell us when you first started dating him that he basically told you that he was not interested in getting married? If I am correct, I think you would have been hurt later on. Guys don't make statements like that if they don't mean them. What if you had continued to date him, fell head over heals in love with him and then he told you that although he cared or perhaps even loved you he was not ready for marriage and said something to you like, "I told you from the beginning I was not ready to settle down." You would have been crushed.
    Also, I was wondering if NG was planning to stay in FLorida for a few extra days when he orignially planned the trip? If not, my gut instinct tells me that his ex is with him and he is "clearing his head" by seeing her again to see if they will work out. He knows you are special and wonderful, and did not want to lose communication with you if things do not pan out with her.
    I have noticed that you have picked guys that have been emotionally unavailable in some way or another. You have so much to offer and need someone that is ready to give back to you as much as you can give to them. If a guy you begin dating in the future makes comments about not wanting a serious relationship or never wants to get married, I think you need to take that as a sign to run the other way. I think what you are looking for is someone that wants to find the love of his life just as much as you do. Am I correct? If so, a guy that is looking for the right woman to settle down with, does not make comments like I stated above.
    I hope you do not take offense in anything that I am saying, but I have learned the hard way that we often subconsciously recreate situations that we grew up with in an attempt to try and fix them. Also when we have not had our parents model what a good relationship should look like, we often without realizing it settle for less than what we deserve because we did not realize there were signs that something was wrong that we just did not pick up on at the time.
    From what you have shared with us, you have gone through alot of difficult things in your childhood, as many of us had that post on this board. I believe that we really need to have healing from our past before we can have true happiness in our future. Please think about what I am saying to determine if you think there are things that are still hurting you and causing you pain. The way to determine true healing I believe, is when we can think about something painful in our childhood or past and not feel that sharp stab of pain with the memory. Somethimes we have to rehash things of the past to move on to a brighter future. (Please forgive me if I am offending you in any way.) I just want to make sure there are no obstacles of any kind hindering you from finding true love.
    Also, I want to tell you that I think you are amazing to have studied and worked so hard to overcome the obstacles from your past. You are an intelligent, caring, stylish, and beautiful woman that WILL capture the heart of the RIGHT man no matter how much money he may have or what wonderful lifestyle he may be accustomed to. You deserve the best. Never sell yourself short and never settle for less than you deserve. Personally, I much more admire the men and women that have accompished alot by their own efforts, not because it was handed down to them. Any decent man will admire and appreciate that about you as well.
    Keep your chin up Sophia and keep on dreaming, because dreams can come true.
    Love,
    Blue Eyed Lady

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 07-14-2005 at 03:14 PM.

     
    Old 07-14-2005, 03:52 PM   #48
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Just let go and let God, Sophia. You stood up for yourself, and you weren't afraid to say "this is what I want, and I won't settle for less." I know it's hard and scary, and lonely, but I'm glad to see you taking such good care of yourself, and I thank you for setting such a good, strong, positive precedent for other younger girls here. I wish I had taken such good care of myself in my last romantic encounter. I think you saved yourself a good deal of heartache, and someone else some heartache as well. Hang tough.
    I think this is excellent advice, and I am happy to see you getting such great support and guidance here, Sophia. However, I'm also really sorry and sad to see you hurting and feeling down, though of course it's completely natural and unavoidable to feel that way at this point. Still, as so many others including you have noted, you ultimately saved yourself more heartache in the future. I admire you for standing your ground and refusing to settle for so much less than you deserve--I would hate to see you with a man who even had to question whether he wanted to be with you over ANY other woman! You have so much going for you, and so many men who would love to be with you, that you absolutely did the right thing. I am disappointed and sorry for you, because NG does have a lot of good qualities, but so do millions of other men out there. I think you met NG for a reason and will soon look back and be so happy that you dated (and broke up with) him because he showed you that it was possible to find not only a wonderful guy who had everything you were looking for, like NG, but also one, unlike NG who would be completely crazy about you and have absolutely no doubts whether or not he wanted to love you forever...I will be waiting anxiously for the day you tell us that everything with NG was worthwhile because refusing to settle for him led you to a man who had everything NG possessed that you liked AND everything you need and want that NG lacks. Hang in there honey!

     
    Old 07-14-2005, 07:58 PM   #49
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Thanks so much again, guys! You have NO idea just how much your support and caring means to me. I just got back from a nice evening out with friends and sure enough, there's a message from NG sounding as if he's completely oblivious to everything, just saying he wanted to call before he leaves for his trip tomorrow and asking me to call him back. Nothing in the tone of his voice or the content of the phone message indicates that he has received my email, and yet, how could he not? No response from him in my email account, either I sent it last night to his personal account, not his work account, and I am pretty sure he checks his emails quite regularly because in the past, he would respond to them in a matter of an hour or two. I don't know what to make of this, but I figured if he had time to call in the evening, he could have had time to go out with me before he leaves also. So I don't think I'm going to call him back at all. Although, a part of me is curious if he's just going to pretend as if he never got my email from last night.

    BlueEyedLady, he's not going to Florida; he's going to one of the U.S. Virgin Islands, if that makes any difference. I only found out about this trip last week, so I don't think there were any "original" plans that were changed or not. But I also find it somewhat hard to believe that this is indeed a business-related trip. She might be going with him or not; I have no idea. Who the hell cares. Let him have her if that's what he wants. I am not going to drive myself crazy thinking about this anymore. Oh, and btw, yes, he was making some comments about not ever getting married, but minutes later he would make completely contradictory comments about how it will be when he is married with a family. So, I think he just doesn't know what he wants, really.

    Soulster, you're right, I find it quite bizarre that he won't make plans to go out with me and is telling me about all his "confusion," and yet he keeps calling every day. I don't know why he's doing this either. He did say he wanted to go out with me and take me to the U.S. Open once he's back from the trip, but that's not for another month or so.

    Stacy, you're so right: I agree that I deserve a guy who has all the good characteristics that NG possessed but is also totally crazy about me. That would be the ideal, and thank you for reminding me that this is what I should be striving for in a relationship and not settling for anything inferior.

    I'm off to bed now; I'm simply exhausted. Thank you again and have a good night everyone

    Last edited by SophiaM; 07-14-2005 at 08:04 PM.

     
    Old 07-14-2005, 08:34 PM   #50
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia sista hang in there girl!

    Today i was having a long chat with my coworker and we talking about relationships which is always a good topic. We were talking of the advantages of being single long term. Interestingly he was saying the best thing of being single is the way we have learned to cope with our emotions ourselves alone without relying on anyone. We have learned how to live happy being alone, which is one of the hardest thing in life. We know exactly what we want and because we have clear what makes us happy and what not and we control which emotions we let in and out we don't tolerate crap from no one. I'm sure Sophia feels this way and that's why if she sees she needs to dump a guy she will do so with no regretts. YOu are doing the right thing Sophia and don't worry mr right can just well be around the corner.

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 03:26 AM   #51
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    About the phone calls, Sophia, I think he may be doing that to keep stringing you on along, or giving you false hope about the relationship. He's confused about whether he wants to pursue one with you, so he keeps calling to keep you "on the hook" so to speak.

    I think you are right about not returning his calls. The more I learn about NG's actions from your post, the more he sounds like a player to me. Either a player, or a man who is extremely confused and doesn't know exactly what he wants. Either way, like you said, if he can make time to call you all the time, he surely can cut out a few hours of his "busy" schedule to see you before he leaves.

    I'm you glad you had a nice evening with friends and hope you have a great weekend. Take good care of yourself and indulge yourself with things you love to do.

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 04:37 AM   #52
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia,
    I don't think you should call him back. Not only will it make him wonder what the heck is going on, it will also give you the shot of self-confidence and pride that you need and deserve. And don't feel the least bit guilty about it either! Think about it... if it was the other way around and you told NG you were talking to your ex again and didn't know what you wanted, do you really think he'd hang around? Men can do this to us without explanation, but we seem to always feel guilty doing it back to them. He has given you a huge reason to head for the hills, while at the same time hoping that you'll hang around in limbo until he makes up his mind. Hello, doormat!! You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing, my dear, so don't you dare second guess yourself. If you do decide to return his phone call, just inform him that he has a detailed e-mail waiting for him that explains everything and that you're very busy right now and can't talk. But I don't even think you should call him back. By the way, I totally agree about being better at getting things out in writing. I'm much better through the e-mail than in person. And I'm AWFUL on the phone. That's my worst method of communication.
    I stopped at the bookstore the other day and was flipping through that book "Why Men Love B****s". The situation that has presented itself to you gives you the opportunity to do as that book suggests! I think it was you who mentioned that you had read it... If not, it basically says that the girl who doesn't get her heart trampled on is the one who doesn't tolerate behavior like this. She KNOWS she's an excellent catch and she's confident enough to turn her nose up to a guy who acts the way NG is acting. Be that girl, Sophia! I know you're a strong, confident, intelligent woman and you are only getting stronger by the day.
    I hope you had a fun night out with your friends, and that you have a wonderful weekend lined up!!

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 06:34 AM   #53
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    I try to stay away from terminology like "steal" in situations like these. It implies his will is not involved. I really don't think anyone can "steal" someone who doesn't want to be stolen. But since your relationship is still so new, I guess he has a right to "clear his head" so to speak and think about it, though I tend to feel that if he has to think at all, it's not really over between him and his ex, so how can he really start anything new? I don't think he's choosing between two women so much as deciding if the past is really in the past. Does he still want to hang onto the life he had, or is he ready to start fresh with something new? I think it's ok if you want to see what he says when he comes back, but if he decides he wants to pursue things with you to see where it goes, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying if it were me, the ex would have to be removed from his life altogether, at least for a few months, so he could focus on us and so he could prove to me that he is commited to moving forward in his life. If he couldn't give that to me, I'd seriously reconsider getting in any deeper with this guy.
    I really liked this post. It kinda helped me because I am in a similar situation. I had started seeing someone else and for the last couple of months we were dating, I couldn't let go of the guy I had been with for 2 years before him. I guess I couldn't put the past in the past, even though that's exactly where it needed to stay. I was honest with the guy that I started seeing in that I was messed up, wasn't good for him right now, and couldn't be serious. Even though those things were said feelings still got involved and he cares about me and I care about him. Needless to say I was trying to talk to ex that I hadn't let go of, but never did. Then I talked to him one day, he went and found the guy I had started dating and set me up so he would hear everything I said to the ex. I don't know what is going to happen now. I now know for sure that I don't want my ex, and I think it was hard for me to let it go because I had been through so much with him, and I didn't want to fail at something that I had put my whole heart into. But the relationship was never healthy, and I hate that it took what happened to make me realize that I had the best thing that has ever happened to me and I hurt him. I don't know if we will ever be able to work it out. Good luck. I hope your boyfriend makes the right decision.

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 07:30 AM   #54
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BLUE EYED LADY
    From what you have shared with us, you have gone through alot of difficult things in your childhood, as many of us had that post on this board. I believe that we really need to have healing from our past before we can have true happiness in our future. Please think about what I am saying to determine if you think there are things that are still hurting you and causing you pain. The way to determine true healing I believe, is when we can think about something painful in our childhood or past and not feel that sharp stab of pain with the memory. Somethimes we have to rehash things of the past to move on to a brighter future. (Please forgive me if I am offending you in any way.) I just want to make sure there are no obstacles of any kind hindering you from finding true love.
    Also, I want to tell you that I think you are amazing to have studied and worked so hard to overcome the obstacles from your past. You are an intelligent, caring, stylish, and beautiful woman that WILL capture the heart of the RIGHT man no matter how much money he may have or what wonderful lifestyle he may be accustomed to. You deserve the best. Never sell yourself short and never settle for less than you deserve. Personally, I much more admire the men and women that have accompished alot by their own efforts, not because it was handed down to them. Any decent man will admire and appreciate that about you as well.
    Keep your chin up Sophia and keep on dreaming, because dreams can come true.
    Love,
    Blue Eyed Lady
    Sophia ~ I think that with everything going on you may have overlooked some of the great things that Blue had to say above. Now, Goody has known you for a long time and I have often heard you say yourself that it seems that you always go for the wrong type of guy....one that in your very own words is going to abandon you like your dad and stepfather did. We are your friends here who hold what you share with us here in the utmost of confidence. That is why I brought what Blue had to say back for you to read because perhaps there is some validity in the fact that there are issues and hurts in your past that need some addressing before you go into the next relationship.

    I had to do this before going into my relationship with Tom and it was the best thing that I ever did for myself and for him as well. Fixing myself and making myself whole again was the best that I could give him. We need to give the best in a relationship. When we are less than our best our relationship is as well. Just some food for thought

    As far as calling NG....I wouldn't. It would just put you in a compromising position. Your not calling him and his reading his email in due time will get the message across and also allow you time to work this all out in your head and in your heart.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-15-2005 at 07:32 AM.

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 07:37 AM   #55
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Good morning my friends You'll be all happy to hear that I didn't call him back. So, this morning, I found an email from him in my mailbox. He said he understands how I must feel and that what recently happened with the ex is something completely unplanned and quite surprising to him. He said it's very difficult to understand or have faith in her intentions, and considering his current mindset, it's possibly irrelevant at this point. He then said he has feelings for me and is looking forward to seeing my "beautiful smile" when he returns, but that he had to be open with me, etc. He said even if I choose to not reply to his email or speak to him, he will continue to reach out to me unless I tell him not to, and that this is more difficult for him than I could ever imagine.

    That was basically what he wrote. I don't know how to interpret all this. Does it mean he might care about me, after all? I was thinking to reply to him and say "Let's discuss everything when you come back" and not go into back and forth emails about this anymore. Does that sound reasonable, or do you think it would be better to ignore him for a little while longer? Btw, Rose, the phone is also my worst method of communication

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 08:05 AM   #56
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Well it certainly sounds like he wants to keep you around, but it's likely to be for selfish reasons. He wants one of you, can't decide which one, so he wants you both hanging around so one of you can be "back up", so to speak. That's what it sounds like to me. Of course, I could be wrong. But if he really wanted to be with you the way you want to be with him, the decision would be easy for him. He wouldn't be considering a relationship with her. It's one thing if he has loose ends to tie up in regards to the relationship and needs to seek out a sense of closure from her. But it sounds like he is really considering going back to her.
    For that reason, I really think you shouldn't write him back. Don't necessarily ignore all his calls. When he gets back, if he calls, answer the phone. Let him talk. But don't take back the things you said in the e-mail. Don't falter just because he's trying to hang on a bit. Stay strong and prove to him that you don't need him. You'll be more desirable in his eyes if he thinks you're even the slightest bit out of reach.

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 08:55 AM   #57
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Good morning my friends You'll be all happy to hear that I didn't call him back. So, this morning, I found an email from him in my mailbox. He said he understands how I must feel and that what recently happened with the ex is something completely unplanned and quite surprising to him. He said it's very difficult to understand or have faith in her intentions, and considering his current mindset, it's possibly irrelevant at this point. He then said he has feelings for me and is looking forward to seeing my "beautiful smile" when he returns, but that he had to be open with me, etc. He said even if I choose to not reply to his email or speak to him, he will continue to reach out to me unless I tell him not to, and that this is more difficult for him than I could ever imagine.

    That was basically what he wrote. I don't know how to interpret all this. Does it mean he might care about me, after all? I was thinking to reply to him and say "Let's discuss everything when you come back" and not go into back and forth emails about this anymore. Does that sound reasonable, or do you think it would be better to ignore him for a little while longer? Btw, Rose, the phone is also my worst method of communication
    Well, Sophia, this certainly changes everything a bit, doesn't it? It seems as if the ball is in your court now!

    If you say the phone is your worst method of communication, then I would send him an email, a very light and breezy email. Make it pretty short and concise. Also, I would continue not to answer ALL of his calls. That way, he will be inclined to think you are going out a lot and busy doing other things. LET HIM SWEAT, for a change.

    I definitely think, from what he said in his email, he does have some interest in you. But you still need to proceed with caution.

    Now that you have pulled back some, do you see how he is showing more interest? You are taking your power back and not giving so much of it to him. Good for you! Keep us posted.

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 09:18 AM   #58
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by greeneyes100
    Well, Sophia, this certainly changes everything a bit, doesn't it? It seems as if the ball is in your court now!

    If you say the phone is your worst method of communication, then I would send him an email, a very light and breezy email. Make it pretty short and concise. Also, I would continue not to answer ALL of his calls. That way, he will be inclined to think you are going out a lot and busy doing other things. LET HIM SWEAT, for a change.

    I definitely think, from what he said in his email, he does have some interest in you. But you still need to proceed with caution.

    Now that you have pulled back some, do you see how he is showing more interest? You are taking your power back and not giving so much of it to him. Good for you! Keep us posted.
    Yes, Greeneys, I can see that he's changed his tune a little bit already. Now he's saying he "does have feelings for me" and that what happened with the ex-gf is "possibly irrelevant." Sounds a bit better than before when he said she "messed with his head" again and that he needs to clear his mind. He was supposed to leave for his trip early this morning, so I wouldn't be able to speak to him on the phone until he comes back anyway, which is good. Maybe I'll send him an email tonight and tell him let's just do whatever each of us wants for now and speak again when you return. And yes, I will proceed with caution.

    It's funny cause I saw "Bewitched" with my friend yesterday, and even though the movie isn't anything to rave about, there was once scene in it that I especially enjoyed. It's when Jack's (Will Farrell) evil ex-wife comes into the studio and wants him back after he already went out with and started falling for Isabelle (Nicole Kidman). She makes some smarta** remark that's meant to sting Isabelle, and as she's walking over to Jack's chair, Isabelle (who's a witch) makes some heavy metal lighting fixture fall from the ceiling on the ex-wife and crush her. I couldn't help but find it irresistably hilarious. I wonder why

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 11:26 AM   #59
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
    Well it certainly sounds like he wants to keep you around, but it's likely to be for selfish reasons. He wants one of you, can't decide which one, so he wants you both hanging around so one of you can be "back up", so to speak. That's what it sounds like to me. Of course, I could be wrong. But if he really wanted to be with you the way you want to be with him, the decision would be easy for him. He wouldn't be considering a relationship with her. It's one thing if he has loose ends to tie up in regards to the relationship and needs to seek out a sense of closure from her. But it sounds like he is really considering going back to her.
    For that reason, I really think you shouldn't write him back. Don't necessarily ignore all his calls. When he gets back, if he calls, answer the phone. Let him talk. But don't take back the things you said in the e-mail. Don't falter just because he's trying to hang on a bit. Stay strong and prove to him that you don't need him. You'll be more desirable in his eyes if he thinks you're even the slightest bit out of reach.
    I think this is fantastic advice...you're already starting to see just how true it is that people only treat us as well as we demand to be treated. I think NG was starting to take you for granted, as many men do once they sense that they have a 100% hold on a woman and there's no longer much mystery or challenge. Thinking back, I think this is an important reason why many relationships that get too intense too quickly eventually fade out or burn out...it's just very difficult to sustain those feelings of newness and excitement 24/7. Anyway, the reason that NG is still pursuing you is, in my view, because you've pleasantly surprised him by taking a firm stand and refusing to put up with anything other than the caring, devoted treatment you deserve from a boyfriend. I'd like to think it's because of what he said, but if it was, then why wouldn't he have been making this kind of effort to reach out to you all along rather than pulling away and keeping his distance UNTIL you made it clear that you weren't going to put up with having to compete with a loser ex-girlfriend. If he was as smitten with you as he's claiming now, I don't see how he could have restrained himself from making such an effort all along. Sounds to me like he's one of those confused guys who doesn't really know what he wants from women or relationships, so he runs hot and cold...when a woman seems genuinely interested in him, he backs way off, and the only way that it seems possible to rekindle his interest and enthusiasm is to back way off yourself and make him realize he could lose you if he doesn't get his act together. Do you really want to have a man in your life who plays these kind of immature, manipulative games with you as opposed to one who never wavers in his feelings and commitment toward you? Especially one with the gall to believe you'd still have any interest in seeing him, despite what you said in your email, just because he's being nice when he is still stringing you and probably his ex along...did he say anything at all about being a complete idiot to question whether he's rather be with his ex than with you, and being 100% sure that you are the one he wants from now on? If not, then he hasn't demonstrated the basic respect and devotion you should merit from anyone you date. Honestly, I think expecting a man to want you and only you, without having to keep his distance from you and need time and space to consider whether he'd rather be with another woman, is the bare minimum that ANYONE should demand from a significant other.

    I know you like NG, Sophia, but this whole situation still really worries me...I don't see any real evidence that anything has changed here. Would NG have even bothered to contact you before leaving if you hadn't stopped contacting him? Is it you he wants, or just the thrill of the chase and the challenge of pursuing you? It did seem like he lost interest until you told him to get lost...I have a hard time imagining that his need for a continual challenge and desire for a woman who is not quite within his grasp will change anytime soon. As LR says, this rather dramatic turnaround in his behavior is almost definitely due to the fact that you stood up for yourself and now seem out of reach, once again presenting a goal for him to pursue. Whether you want to be with him or not, I think contacting him and being nice and understanding is the absolute worst possible move you could make at this point. I'd be willing to bet money that NG would back way off again, if not disappear completely, should you give in and let this go so easily. There's nothing desirable about someone who doesn't believe they deserve only the best treatment and act accordingly, and/or someone who is willing to settle for someone who doesn't meet their standards. So while I almost always agree with GE's wise insights, in this case, I'd urge you to be much more cautious and less forgiving than she suggested. Yes, NG has finally demonstrated that he is somewhat attached to you, but it took you breaking up with him for him to come around. What has really changed here? I can't see that he's giving you what you want and deserve now anymore than he was a few days ago...the only way I would say that you should go ahead and be nice and friendly with him again is if he apologizes profusely for putting you through such stress and uncertainty and swears that you are the only woman he has any interest in.

    It actually really makes me mad on your behalf that he has the arrogance to write to you, essentially ignoring what you've said, and STILL won't give you any indication that he's made a firm decision to keep his ex out of his life from now on. Please don't let this half-hearted effort placate you to the point where you let him off the hook for what in my opinion was an unacceptable way to treat you. If I was in your shoes, I would tell NG thanks but no thanks--you certainly don't need to wait around for some guy who even had to consider whether or not he wanted to be with an ex rather than you, and who continues to fail to apologize, tell you he was an idiot to even have to think about his ex's desperate attempt to crawl back to him, and do anything and everything to make it up to you and show you how sorry he is and how much he truly cares about you. If you still have feelings for him and don't want to be quite so definite in what you tell him, I think you should nonetheless tell him that what he's put you through is completely unacceptable to you and that you deserve a man who has no doubts whatsoever about whether he wants to be with you and only you. Then tell him you'll consider letting him make it up to you, assuming he shows sufficient remorse and devotion from now on, but only if he is firmly committed to never having anything to do with his ex again. That's really the least he can do, and the fact that he's still hanging around as if he deserves a chance WITHOUT swearing off his ex and begging your forgiveness demonstrates either an alarming amount of arrogance or cluelessness, neither of which make me nearly as big a fan of him as your man as I was before he started with all this nonsense. As someone who wants the best for you and most of all wants you to avoid being hurt again, I just can't be that enthusiastic about any guy who would put you through such painful turmoil just as you were starting to get attached and vulnerable to him. Whether or not he really is a player and this is all just an ego trip to him, or whether he's genuinely confused, you are still an amazing woman and a fantastic catch who should only be with a man who is completely crazy about you and 100% committed to you and you alone. I strongly suggest that you read LittleRose and Hiya's posts over again and try to think through this situation as objectively as possible. What would you advise Greeneyes or I to do if we posted our concerns about the exact situation you're going through with NG? Under what circumstances or conditions would you tell us that it would be acceptable to take him back, if any? What standards of behavior and commitment would you advise us to demand if we did decide to give our NGs another chance? Somehow I don't think you'd suggest that we let him off as easily and be as nice and generous as you proposed being in your most recent post...but only you can determine what the best course of action is for you. All we want is to see you treated like the wonderful woman you are and the only way to achieve this is to demand it and refuse to settle for anything less. Well Sophia, I'm sorry for being so blunt here, I just feel protective toward you and don't want you to settle for anything less than what you deserve from someone you are supposed to love and trust completely. I guess this was one of those not so concise emails you were referring to? Hopefully you made it all the way through my ramblings and have found some comfort and strength in all the support you have here .

     
    Old 07-15-2005, 11:44 AM   #60
    LittleRose1982
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    I agree Stacy! That's exactly why he seems to be changing his tune now... because she backed off. Now that he doesn't feel like he has that 100% hold over her, he's making an effort to gain it back. But for whose benefit? He's being selfish, and she would be wise to keep her distance from him.

    Sophia, we're not necessarily saying NG is a bad guy. Sometimes I wish dating wasn't so much like a game, but it can be. He doesn't know what he wants right now, and perhaps he's not ready for a relationship on the level that you're looking for. YOu, on the other hand, have matured beyond his level (as so many women do), which is why having a relationship with this man right now would probably be unstable, stressful, and confusing. I think you should get back online and talk to more people. Go out, have fun, try to put him behind you. I know it's not easy to do, but you will be glad you did it.
    As for me, I am having a very stressful miserable day and I can't wait for it to end. I decided that too much of a good thing isn't always a good thing, and Nick and I are going to spend the evening with our individual friends. I was supposed to go with him to his friend's house just to hang out and have pizza and wings, but it's going to be ALL GUYS and I simply need a girls night just as much as he needs a guy's night! When I mentioned wanting to go out with a girlfriend of mine, he completely agreed that it was best since it would be all guys tonight anyway. So the stress has lessened a bit. But I learned an important lesson!

    And Stacy, by the way... one thing you said in your last post really stood out! You mentioned that starting off a relationship really fast can cause it to burn out and fade away because you can't keep up the "newness" feeling 24/7. Am I doomed? I think I experienced a bit of a burn out today. Hopefully my girls night and his guy's night will be helpful to us both.

     
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