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    Old 07-26-2005, 12:58 PM   #136
    greeneyes100
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Yes, Goody, that does mean we are cyber sisters! And you are a very nice one. Gosh, your advice is almost as good as mine.

    That song is so true and very good advice...you can't hurry love!

     
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    Old 07-26-2005, 03:09 PM   #137
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Grrr, I'm feeling very self-destructive right now. I saw my ex's number on my caller id again, so now I think if NG is still talking to his ex, maybe I should too. Why should I put all my eggs in one basket when he's not? I'm very tempted to call my ex back just to have a feeling like I'm still desirable and wanted, and like I have a CHOICE. Is that a bad idea? My ex (he's actually an ex-ex) and I have always had a lot of chemistry together, so I don't know if I can control myself around him.

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 03:41 PM   #138
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Grrr, I'm feeling very self-destructive right now. I saw my ex's number on my caller id again, so now I think if NG is still talking to his ex, maybe I should too. Why should I put all my eggs in one basket when he's not? I'm very tempted to call my ex back just to have a feeling like I'm still desirable and wanted, and like I have a CHOICE. Is that a bad idea? My ex (he's actually an ex-ex) and I have always had a lot of chemistry together, so I don't know if I can control myself around him.
    You guys are the sweetest people ever! I do think Goody and GE are cyber sisters--does that make Sophia my cyber sister (I hope so! I'd love to have a cyber sibling being an only child). Regardless, I feel truly blessed to have gotten to know all of you and I love you all...we are one big cyber family, no? You've all certainly been there for me with unconditional support and encouragement like only the best relatives are there for each other. I really don't know how I muddled through relationships in real life without your insight and guidance--well, obviously I didn't do very well before I found you all, but here's hoping my luck has changed with you guys on my side .

    Sophia, sweetie, I also hate to see you down on yourself. You are such a wonderful woman who loves with all your heart--you should not blame yourself for past relationships not working out! If that meant you screwed up and were doomed to be perenially unlucky in love, 99.9% of the world with unsuccessful relationships in their past would be in the same boat. I know how discouraging and depressing it can be to think back on relationships that seemed so promising once but just didn't work out, but you should not blame yourself!! It sounds to me like if anyone is at fault (and in many cases where relationships end, no one is at fault so much as the timing or compatibility just being off), it's the guys you pick, who seem to have major issues with commitment if they've managed to screw things up with an amazing woman like yourself. As far as NG goes, I completely agree with the advice GE has given you except I think you should seriously consider whether you even want NG back. It sounds like all your thinking is geared towards how you can do everything exactly right to make him want you again--but do you want him? Is he really good enough for you after what he put you through? How would you feel in the future about being with a guy who was seriously tempted by another woman after getting to know you, or do you want a man for whom other women all blend in the background once he encounters you? It made me sad when you said we (I?) probably wouldn't approve of you being so nice to NG, because I have absolutely NO right to ever judge you or do anything but support you 100% no matter what choices you make. You are an extremely intelligent, mature young woman who is uniquely qualified to know what are the best decisions for you, and your cyber family and friends will always respect your choices and do our best to help you see all possible sides of each situation you face.

    That said, remember that your exes are your exes for a reason, and you deserve a lot more than they were able to give you. I think you might want to give some serious thought to why you blame yourself for unsuccessful past relationships and are willing to allow your exes to continue to throw a wrench, metaphorically speaking, into your current love life. Just because a man you find attractive is interested in you does NOT mean he's a good match for you or that he's even remotely good enough for you. I think you underestimate your own worth and don't always demand the kind of respectful, considerate, and caring treatment you deserve...if you are going to take any lesson about yourself from your past relationships, I think it should be that you need to be more assertive about demanding only the best treatment. You should feel free to be yourself, to express yourself, and do and say whatever comes naturally to you without putting pressure on yourself to do everything right in order to please a man and avoid messing up your relationships. Honey, you are such an incredible woman that it's your men, NOT you, who should be bending over backwards to make sure they treat you like the goddess you are. I can't help but wonder if the reason men have treated you less than respectfully on occasion, including NG, is that they sense that you're willing to accept this behavior for the sake of harmony and a successful relationship...it really is so true that people will only treat you as well as you allow them to treat you. I think you need to set your standards for what you'll tolerate and expect from men A LOT higher and view your past, present, and future relationships through that lens, rather than the perspective that you did something wrong, consider the possibility that you just haven't yet met the man who will treat you as great as you deserve to be treated. So yes, I think letting your ex back into your life is a very bad idea, and I'm not so sure that letting NG back into your life is the best idea for you either. At the very least, you shouldn't have to be sitting around again wondering when and if he'll call like before when he was leaving you hanging and thinking about how you can do everything right in order to keep him interested...he's the one who should be plotting how to make all this up to you and kissing your butt BIG TIME rather than acting like nothing even happened!!

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 04:02 PM   #139
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Stacy, you're so sweet, and I absolutely LOVE and appreciate your advice! Yes, I would love you to be my cyber sister! In a way, I am the only child too, because my sister is really my half-sister and we have very little in common other than just being related to each other.

    I admit, I AM quite insecure, despite what I feel objectively that I deserve. It must stem from how my mom was extremely critical and demanding of me growing up. The only positive thing that came from that is that I am more ambitious than a lot of people I know, and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist (it could be a bad thing, too). Sadly, I'm also my own worst critic and I often feel guilty for something, even if I intellectually know I didn't do anything wrong. For example, now I feel a vague feeling of guilt for yelling at my ex and calling him names the last time he called me a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, I feel bad and want to make up, even though I know he didn't deserve a better treatment from me.

    As for NG...I don't know. I am so torn...It was so promising and I really liked him on so many levels. Would you not ever consider working things out with him if you were in my shoes? Perhaps I really do have very low demands, and I'm not even aware of it. See, I still feel like he's such a great guy for not trying to take advantage of me and then dump me heartlessly, that I feel like he's worth to at least to be given more time. I honestly don't think I'm mature or that I know enough about relationships to make good decisions for myself. It's a lot easier to advise other people, but I myself am truly blind to what's best for me. I just cannot be objective in my own case I might be terribly wrong again, but I just thought he was so different from the other guys I dated...Maybe I'm idealizing again...(sigh).

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 04:24 PM   #140
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Stacy, you're so sweet, and I absolutely LOVE and appreciate your advice! Yes, I would love you to be my cyber sister! In a way, I am the only child too, because my sister is really my half-sister and we have very little in common other than just being related to each other.

    I admit, I AM quite insecure, despite what I feel objectively that I deserve. It must stem from how my mom was extremely critical and demanding of me growing up. The only positive thing that came from that is that I am more ambitious than a lot of people I know, and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist (it could be a bad thing, too). Sadly, I'm also my own worst critic and I often feel guilty for something, even if I intellectually know I didn't do anything wrong. For example, now I feel a vague feeling of guilt for yelling at my ex and calling him names the last time he called me a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, I feel bad and want to make up, even though I know he didn't deserve a better treatment from me.

    As for NG...I don't know. I am so torn...It was so promising and I really liked him on so many levels. Would you not ever consider working things out with him if you were in my shoes? Perhaps I really do have very low demands, and I'm not even aware of it. See, I still feel like he's such a great guy for not trying to take advantage of me and then dump me heartlessly, that I feel like he's worth to at least to be given more time. I honestly don't think I'm mature or that I know enough about relationships to make good decisions for myself. It's a lot easier to advise other people, but I myself am truly blind to what's best for me. I just cannot be objective in my own case I might be terribly wrong again, but I just thought he was so different from the other guys I dated...Maybe I'm idealizing again...(sigh).
    Hi big cyber sis!

    I'm sorry to hear your mom was so tough on you growing up...I can't imagine how difficult it must be when the one person who is supposed to love and support you unconditionally fails at that responsibility. I'm really impressed and surprised at how well you've coped and thrived despite your mom's opposition...you really need to give yourself a lot more credit for all you've achieved and for the wonderful woman you've become, all on your own! I was actually thinking when I wrote my last post that you strike me as a perfectionist, at least to some degree, which helps explain why you expect so much of yourself in relationships. Yet you need to start holding the men you date to the same standards you hold yourself--you're an amazing, intelligent, talented, and beautiful woman who any man would be very lucky to date. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist to work on boosting your self-esteem and raising your standards in terms of what you require and demand from men? They really are only going to give you as much as you expect, and so far it doesn't sound like you've valued yourself nearly as highly (and perhaps that is why you've had lower standards as far as what kind of treatment is acceptable within your relationships?) than you should have.

    I'm probably not the right person to ask about giving NG another chance, as I tend to go too far toward the other end of the spectrum in terms of demanding only the best treatment from men. That makes for more drama than it should from time to time, yet it has definitely worked for me in terms of never having to deal with a boyfriend disrespecting me or failing to treat me with love and consideration. The idea of a man getting my hopes up, telling me he wanted to see me exclusively, then pulling away, not telling me what's up until finally confessing that he's not sure if he wouldn't rather be with an ex makes my blood boil. Lots of people, like GE and Dido, have made good points in favor of giving NG another chance, but I'm not sure it's worth your time and emotional energy to get involved again with a man who could put you through such turmoil in such a short time. It bothers me a lot that he has ignored your email and is acting like he did nothing wrong and that nothing out of the ordinary has happened when the whole ex situation has caused you so much stress, confusion, and unhappiness. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'd never give him another chance, but I highly doubt that I wouldn't have told him to drop dead and leave me alone permanently when he first mentioned that he was debating whether to date me or go back to his ex. I just think we're both way too wonderful and highly desired to ever tolerate, even for a minute, being put in a position where we're competing with some other woman and not without a doubt the one and only woman in our men's lives. I don't think the fact that NG compares favorably to your exes should count in his favor--one thing my brilliant cyber-family has taught me today is that it's never good to compare one relationship to another rather than measuring it against itself for the unique entity it is. The only standard you should judge NG by is how he treats you, how he makes you feel about yourself, and how secure and cared for you feel around him. I don't happen to think he's shown you the respect and devotion tons of guys would kill for the opportunity to show you, but only you can decide what you will and won't stand for, and it's not my place to tell you what to do. I do think you should definitely raise your standards as far as how well you expect to be treated (and especially increase how kindly and generously you judge and treat yourself)!! You're awesome, and I think you deserve nothing but the best in every way...only you know if NG has the potential to treat you as wonderfully as you deserve to be treated. So far, he has a lot to make up for, and if he doesn't start worshipping the ground you walk on and constantly professing what a fool he was to ever question whether he'd rather be with another woman, I'd strongly suggest you cut him loose and find a man who will never doubt whether you're the woman he wants.

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 04:56 PM   #141
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Oh Stacy, your post has almost brought tears to my eyes! Thank you so much for being so kind and supportive of me. Yes, unforutanately, my mom has never taught me that I should value myself or that I'm in any way special. I know, mostly from the feedback from other people, that I am attractive, intelligent, and that, in theory, I deserve so much more than I ever got in life, and yet, I don't know why I'm not getting it! It's hard to see yourself from a completely objective perspective, but yes, I realize that I'm better looking than average, I'm in good shape, I speak three languages fluently and two others at a passable level, and I'm a graduate student who got all A's and only one B+ in the last year of school. I'd like to think I'm also a decent and compassionate person. Despite all that, I've had terrible luck in relationships, and I truly don't think I've ever been treated as well as I should have. At the same time, I want SO MUCH to be in a harmonious relationship with no undue drama or turmoil (due to an overwhelming amount of turmoil in my childhood) that I am probably too understanding and complacant, for the sake of peace and quiet. I don't know how to change, honestly. I tried counselling once, but the therapist had a crush on me! He was willing to treat me practically for free, but it just didn't feel right. At the moment I reallly don't have a good insurance since I'm in school, and because of my previous experience, I realize therapists are not so "perfect" either. I pretty much cannot have a male therapist because, for some reason, older men are always attracted to me. I had a female therapist a while back, but she just made me talk for hours when she only listened and made no practical suggestions, so I got bored of that rather quickly.

    Ok, at least for now I know that I should be a bit more demanding than I am. That's a start. I am not going to make any moves towards NG and promise to try and be more tough on him from now on. Maybe that's what's ruining my relationships--the fact that I'm so "understanding" and willing to tolerate too much...

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 05:43 PM   #142
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Hey Sophia!
    You're getting such wonderful advice from everyone, I don't know what else I can add! Except this. The decision to give him another chance is a big one that you're really going to have to look into your heart to make. There are risks involved either way, and there's a lot to consider. The way he acted like nothing happened was odd and could mean many different things. Don't overburden your already confused mind trying to figure out why he acted that way. You will just make yourself exhausted of the situation and unable to think clearly about the main decision you need to make.
    You need to decide just how much faith you have in this guy and just how much you're willing to go through. Everyone has a breaking point where enough is enough. You'll know when you get there. I was unhappy in a relationship for an entire year before I got to my breaking point and it just "felt right" to break up. Does it feel right to you to walk away from this guy? Or can you honestly handle waiting a little longer and giving him another shot?
    Spend some time alone with your thoughts and try to determine just where your "breaking point" is. When is enough enough? How long are you going to give him to make up his mind before it's time to grab your remaining pride and hit the road? The choice is up to you. While you don't want to get hurt by giving him another chance, you also don't want to miss out if you back away before you're emotionally "spent". Does that make any sense? I guess I'm trying to say to hang in there as long as you possibly can until you know in your heart that you've had enough and the decision comes a little easier. If nothing else comes of it, you will have strengthened your heart that much more and learned that much more about yourself.
    Relationships are not easy at all. In fact, sometimes I wonder why we even bother! Even when we are so completely consumed with happiness, there's always something negative that creeps in, whether it be doubt, jealousy, insecurity, or whatever. The most important thing is to know the chances you are comfortable taking. Just how much are you willing to risk?

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 06:01 PM   #143
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Great advice, Little Rose!

    I think you make an excellent point--there's such a tricky line to straddle between giving a relationship every chance so you can look back, no matter what, with no regrets, and not compromising your pride and dignity by tolerating disrespectful, inconsiderate treatment. Every situation is unique, and everyone has different standards, so there are no easy, clearcut rules we can generalize. Even though I know how I would handle the NG situation, that doesn't mean it's the best way for you to handle it...ultimately, only you know what choice is right for you. That said, I am very happy to see that you agree that you have so much to offer that you can and most definitely should significantly raise your standards when it comes to the treatment you demand and respect from any man who wants to be part of your life. Sweetie, you are such a fantastic woman with so many amazing qualities that any man lucky enough to get you should worship you and never let you doubt how crazy he is about you. I honestly believe you deserve that, at minimum, and I will have my fingers and toes crossed in anticipation of the day when you finally meet a man who will realize his incredibly good fortune in landing you and worship you each and every day so that you increasingly understand just how special (and worthy of unconditional love and support) you are. I'm so sorry to hear that I made you cry, but at the same time I'm absolutely thrilled to hear you acknowledge some of your remarkable qualities and achievements and admit that you deserve a lot better treatment than you've settled for in the past. It's great to be understanding and forgiving, but again, there's a fine line between being kind and letting people take advantage of your good nature. You do need to demand better treatment and refuse to tolerate anything less than the loving, respectful treatment you so deserve...you're absolutely amazing and though I might be overprotective of my cool big sis , I think I'm completely right to believe you should never settle for anything less than being worshipped by a wonderful, devoted man.

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 07:06 PM   #144
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Sophia, I really like Rose’s and Stacy’s last posts. Let me add that most relationships don’t start out with two people who are crazy about each other… so until they do become crazy about each other, Stacy’s rule about being treated like gold really doesn’t apply yet. We must remember that Stacy and Rose got to that point in their current relationships extremely quick so they could apply Stacy’s rule quickly, too.

    I applaud your realization that one can “tolerate too much” and, as Stacy says, it frequently encourages bad treatment as partners test each other’s boundaries. Like another thread said today, we tend to get what we accept... so it is important to be clear and consistent on what is and isn't acceptable. I like your change in attitude; it will serve you well.

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 07-26-2005 at 07:49 PM.

     
    Old 07-26-2005, 07:52 PM   #145
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    I dont think you are doing anything so out of the ordinary or something you should feel ashamed or degraded about or have to question your self esteem over - it is something that given the circumstances - mainly the length of this relationship or lack there of- can go in either direction and you are just giving the time needed to see where the scales will tip ... so this weekend will probably be a big indicator for you as well as the next few days after that. If he falls into his routine again, I am sure you will know what to do and if he changes for the better, then I am sure you will know what to do and hopefully he will too

    Last edited by soulster; 07-26-2005 at 08:05 PM.

     
    Old 07-27-2005, 07:28 PM   #146
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Hi, Sophia I was thinking about you alot today & wondering how you are doing. I know that the weekend is almost here and that you must be thinking about when you see NG.

    Has he contacted you via email or phone yet??? I think Heartland is right that you will be hearing from him only when he wants to reconfirm your meeting face to face. How are you doing otherwise???

    I am hoping to get to see the "Must Like Dogs" this weekend....perhaps that might be something you can do with NG to lighten things up. Hmmmm......I wonder what he brought back for you from his vacation. Hopefully a very clear head

    Lots of ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 07-28-2005, 11:17 AM   #147
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Hi Goody Thanks for thinking of me. Yes, he left me a message the other day asking to see me on Friday, and I left him a message saying Friday is fine (don't you just love phone tags! ). So yes, Heartland was absolutely right that he'll contact me only to confirm our next...hmm, what should we call it..."meeting." We'll see how he acts and what he says. I wonder if I should wear my highest heels with a moderately short skirt (but not too short) just to assert my feminine power...only problem is I will then tower over him (which might be good for my self-esteem, after all)

    Last edited by SophiaM; 07-28-2005 at 11:19 AM.

     
    Old 07-28-2005, 11:23 AM   #148
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Hi Goody Thanks for thinking of me. Yes, he left me a message the other day asking to see me on Friday, and I left him a message saying Friday is fine (don't you just love phone tags! ). So yes, Heartland was absolutely right that he'll contact me only to confirm our next...hmm, what should we call it..."meeting." We'll see how he acts and what he says. I wonder if I should wear my highest heels with a moderately short skirt (but not too short) just to assert my feminie power...only problem is I will then tower over him (which might be good for my self-esteem, after all)
    Sophia, I think you should wear whatever makes you feel the most feminine.

    You have got to read VEnus and Mars for Dating. I can't believe how much truth there is in this book! It explains a lot about why men don't call for awhile and why they pull away, EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTED!

    I just started reading it, and I can't put it down. Anyway, good luck with weekend.

    Love, GE

     
    Old 07-28-2005, 11:26 AM   #149
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Hey Sophia! So you're getting together with him tomorrow then! Do you plan on bringing up "the discussion", or just letting things flow naturally? If it were me, I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy my time with him until my mind were at ease with regards to his ex. But that's also because I have a bit of an obsessive mind! Hopefully he will bring things up fairly early and tell you that he's had time to think about it and he definitely wants to pursue things with you!
    Make sure you keep us posted, okay?

     
    Old 07-28-2005, 11:34 AM   #150
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
    Hey Sophia! So you're getting together with him tomorrow then! Do you plan on bringing up "the discussion", or just letting things flow naturally? If it were me, I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy my time with him until my mind were at ease with regards to his ex. But that's also because I have a bit of an obsessive mind! Hopefully he will bring things up fairly early and tell you that he's had time to think about it and he definitely wants to pursue things with you!
    Make sure you keep us posted, okay?
    Hey Rose! I'm not sure actually what I am going to do. I would prefer if he brought it up, but if he doesn't, I don't know I think I'll be able to assess the situation better in person, see if he's warm towards me, if he gives me a kiss or just a kiss on the cheek, you know, little things. Yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. I'm curious myself.

     
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