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    Old 09-19-2005, 11:05 AM   #31
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose & Nakita,

    Rose, it sounds like you and Junior had a nice 'date' with your mom. My Saturday wasn't even that exciting. lol Just took my mom grocery shopping, moped around the house for awhile and then when out to buy myself a couple pair of desperately needed pants for work. Later, I hung out with a girlfriend for a couple of hours. It sounds like your guy is doing the 'dance' again with the IM. Sooner or later, mine will most likely do something similar. So far there's been no contact at all. The letter should definitely arrive at his parents' today if it didn't get there on Saturday. So now I am bracing myself for his reaction to it, which will probably be anger. That's why I was on pins & needles all afternoon/evening Saturday night.

    Nakita,

    That's too cute about your puppy liking the water bottles. Hope she's content to just play with them rather than eat them. My dog loves playing with them, too - because they're hard for him to get a good grip on right away. He's such a clown. You mentioned that it's sort of difficult for you to get her out in the yard to tie her. I know what you mean because mine's a rambunctious 80 pounder, too. Maybe you could get one of those long tie-outs so that you can put the hook on her caller right inside the door? Just looking out for you because I know how easily these lovable pooches get excited and forget how easily they can send up toppling over!

    I'm so sorry to hear about your migraines and depression. Your husband sure sounds like a sweetie with his loving gestures. If you need to vent about anything or just simply talk, feel free to dump on me. Lord knows you've listened to me enough. I certainly hope you are feeling better soon and get that MRI quickly. Try to hang in there and I'll try to sign on again later tonight.

    Lori

     
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    Old 09-19-2005, 11:37 AM   #32
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose & Nakita,

    Rose, it sounds like you and Junior had a nice 'date' with your mom. My Saturday wasn't even that exciting. lol Just took my mom grocery shopping, moped around the house for awhile and then when out to buy myself a couple pair of desperately needed pants for work. Later, I hung out with a girlfriend for a couple of hours. It sounds like your guy is doing the 'dance' again with the IM. Sooner or later, mine will most likely do something similar. So far there's been no contact at all. The letter should definitely arrive at his parents' today if it didn't get there on Saturday. So now I am bracing myself for his reaction to it, which will probably be anger. That's why I was on pins & needles all afternoon/evening Saturday night.

    Nakita,

    That's too cute about your puppy liking the water bottles. Hope she's content to just play with them rather than eat them. My dog loves playing with them, too - because they're hard for him to get a good grip on right away. He's such a clown. You mentioned that it's sort of difficult for you to get her out in the yard to tie her. I know what you mean because mine's a rambunctious 80 pounder, too. Maybe you could get one of those long tie-outs so that you can put the hook on her caller right inside the door? Just looking out for you because I know how easily these lovable pooches get excited and forget how easily they can send up toppling over!

    I'm so sorry to hear about your migraines and depression. Your husband sure sounds like a sweetie with his loving gestures. If you need to vent about anything or just simply talk, feel free to dump on me. Lord knows you've listened to me enough. I certainly hope you are feeling better soon and get that MRI quickly. Try to hang in there and I'll try to sign on again later tonight.

    Lori

     
    Old 09-19-2005, 07:21 PM   #33
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose & Nakita,

    Sorry about that duplication before...my pc locked up at work so somehow I posted twice.

    Nakita, I hope you had a good day today free of the headaches. I thought my mom and I were the last of a dying breed hanging clothes out on the line. I love the smell of sheets that are dried outside especially. Why pay the electric company when the sunshine and breeze is free?

    Rose, I researched and printed out the warning signs of emotional abuse and related to most of them as well. My husband has never become physical, yet I feared it COULD have eventually become possible. His rages can be extremely intimidating. So exercise caution...I always try to go with my gut feeling on things like that. Dear Abby often prints a list of warning signs of a potential abuser, too. I scanned a copy to my pc at work and will share some of them with you tomorrow. Our psychologist put a copy on his lobby wall, too.

    Well, I'd better get myself to bed and through another day of worry and wonder with regard to my husband. I'm beginning to get angry because of this 'silence'. He'd gone to the ER back in May and swore up & down he didn't use my insurance because of our situation. Well, 3 weeks later I got the good old explanation of benefits in the mail stating that he did (how this happened was a total 'mystery' to him). I found a copy of the statement from back in June and kept it because I highly suspected he wouldn't pay his out of pocket portion of $377. I called today to see if any payments had been made and was told no. So I went to the bank and got a $77 money order & put it in the mail. It angers me to no end that he will neglect something like this that has the potential to affect me, but will make sure his buddy has plenty of cigarettes! On the other hand, I feel a little less stress in spite of bracing myself for his reaction to the letter.

    You two have a great evening. Nakita - get a good night's sleep for yourself if you can. There's a really nice breeze here today - I hope you have it there, too. If so, keep those windows open so that hopefully the cool night air and sounds will help you fall asleep. Give that silly pup a biscuit from me, too!

    Lori

     
    Old 09-20-2005, 06:49 AM   #34
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Ladies
    How are you today?
    Lori - have you heard any word about your letter being received? Maybe it's taking a day or 2 for him to digest it. Hopefully he will respond in some way to at least acknowledge that he got it.
    I told you that mine sent me a broken heart smiley and I didn't respond. Last night he sent me a folded arm smiley, and I didn't respond either. I just don't know what to do. If I respond, I'm starting it up again, if I don't, I'm ignoring him and I feel guilty.
    Tonite I'm going to be watching TV all night, so I won't have time to think!

     
    Old 09-20-2005, 07:59 AM   #35
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose,

    You sound so much like me! I've been burying myself in my job, a book that I keep picking up to read and then putting down, my SWOE workbook and my primitive rug hooking. My class is tonight so I'm sort of anxious to be around others. The women who attend are super nice people, most of them older than me so they sort of take me under their wing. They don't 'pry' either, which I appreciate because quite honestly I feel my situation with my husband is very embarrassing - for both of us.

    Sounds like your guy's putting the squeeze on you with the smiley's he's sending your way. Have you noticed how they've gone from the simple smiley to the broken heart and now to the folded arms smiley? He's trying to put a little more pressure on you from what I can see. It must have been extremely hard for you not to respond. You must be stronger than I am because I'd have probably responded in some fashion, even though I know I probably shouldn't.

    There has been no response of any sort to my letter, which may have arrived Saturday or yesterday at the latest. Depending on what's going on between him and his parents, he may not have received it until later last evening or it could still be sitting in the pile of mail he always collects at his parents'. I do know that occasionally his dad would bring his mail to the hotel though. I've really been bracing myself for his reaction - regardless of what it is. Isn't that sad? Part of me is nervous and fearful and the other part of me almost wants to DARE him to get mouthy...especially after I found out that he has made no payments towards that hospital bill since the first billing in early June. I guess buying cigarettes for a friend takes precedence over paying bills. Ooooh, that frosts me!

    Last night I again did not see him or his friend online so I'm guessing there is still no phone line at the trailer. I know it's possible that they have me blocked so that I can't see when they're on, but that's not my husband's style. He would want me to see that he's online and ignoring me. I also checked to see if he'd read an email I'd sent just before this recent incident, but it shows up as unread. Again, this tells me no online access due to the phone issue. Maybe his parents even forced his hand to give up that monthly internet bill so that he can focus on his bills for a change(?).

    Well, enjoy your evening in front of the tv. If Junior is anything like my dog, he's a great cuddle-bug. Sure hope it works to keep you from thinking about things for the night. We so need that break every now and then. Have a great day and evening and I'll try to sign on after my class.

    Lori

     
    Old 09-20-2005, 08:41 AM   #36
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Lori,
    It's good that you have your rug class tonight, it sounds like you enjoy it, and the company, so that takes your mind off more stressful things.
    Yeah he is putting the pressure on, with those smileys. I don't know about being strong, I just didn't know what to respond with, so I signed off. He didn't know I was on, because I signed in as invisible. I'm not sure how long I can go on ignoring him. It makes me feel bad.
    on a seperate note, why can't your husbands friend buy his own cigarettes?
    Maybe you will hear back from him tomorrow regarding the letter.
    Yes I'm really looking forward to my shows tonite, Gilmore Girls is new and Rock Star INXS, it's the last show tonite, when we find out who will be the new singer. Not sure if you watch those shows or not, but they're a couple of my favorites.
    Yeah I need to escape from reality for a couple hours with the TV.....
    Enjoy your rug class tonite!

     
    Old 09-20-2005, 10:27 AM   #37
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose,

    Working on my rug is relaxing - it's not a very 'complicated' craft so for me it's kind of mindless for the most part. Something I really need once in awhile.

    My husband's friend, Steve, is/has been unemployed and basically homeless since I first learned of him returning to OH in March, 2003. My husband felt sorry for him and felt 'obligated' to help him since he'd helped my husband out when he was kicked out by his parents as a teenager. The thing my husband fails to see though is that this guy has NO AMBITION to work. He's out for that free ride and seems to keep getting it...so why should he get a job as long as someone's going to feed him steaks and ribs every day and hand him packs of cigarettes? You can't tell me that in all this time, this guy wasn't able to land a job SOMEWHERE with all the gas stations, fast food joints and other stores that were within walking distance (he has no car either). Even when they were in the hotel, I told my husband to get an application for him from the front office and force him to apply for a housekeeping position or something. No can do! Don't ask me why. Someone like that is hardly trying to better himself or his situation. That's how I look at it anyways. That's why I was irritated to no end the night the guy came back to the hotel from an outing....with a bottle of liquor and his hair highlighted. Where on earth did he get the money for those things?! You'd think he'd want to take that few bucks and buy my husband a sandwich for dinner for a change.

    I felt bad writing that letter just like you feel bad for not responding to the IM's. You might want to do what I do when I feel myself starting to soften too much...I think about something like the above or that hospital bill to keep myself ticked off enough to stay firm. Isn't that an awful way to have to live though? That's not me at all.

    Just hang in there and be strong. Unfortunately, you and I are in positions where we just cannot follow our hearts anymore. We have to go more with what our heads are telling us. Lucky us, huh?! Have yourself a great stress-free evening with your favorite shows. I haven't caught either of those at all. One of my favorites are the Law & Order shows. Guess I could probably use a good sitcom these days for a laugh so I'll have to do some channel surfing one of these days. My husband and I used to watch Everybody Loves Raymond reruns. I avoid those lately because it brings back too many memories of snuggling on the couch with him and laughing with him.

    Talk to you later on tonight or tomorrow. Enjoy yourself!

    Lori

     
    Old 09-20-2005, 02:56 PM   #38
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Lori,
    Yeah sometimes it's good to do something that you don't have to think real hard at......but you can still see results, so you feel like you accomplished something! So for 2 years your husband has been helping his unemployed friend? Does the guy have any family to stay with or anything? I'm sure that's not helping your marriage......you have enough to worry about without him hanging around. You could use him as an example for your husband. Ask him, does he want to be like Steve? Tell him, he's got a good wife, a home, etc, if he doesn't get his act together he can end up like Steve. Not sure if that will motivate him or not. How does this Steve guy survive? Just flops from friend to friend? Bumming cigarettes, etc.....doesn't he have any self respect to go out and get himself a job? I know, you've probably said the same things. It's just hard to believe that some people get away with that stuff! And yeah, you think he would take your husband out for a meal once in a while. Doesn't your husband see that the guy is a user? Does he ever say anything to him about it? Maybe you will get a call tonite, if he read the letter and is ready to respond. I hope so, so you can at least move forward with things. The not knowing is really hard.
    Yeah we should follow our heads but not our hearts, and it is so hard sometimes. I still feel bad about hurting his feelings.
    Talk to you soon!

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 06:17 AM   #39
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose,

    Yes, the occasional 'mindless' project does help. It also keeps my hands busy so I don't end up smoking as much, especially during times such as now when I'm totally stressed out.

    My husband's friend has family in the area but supposedly nobody is willing to take him in. When my husband mentioned this, I told him that should be his first clue...when your own family is done with you like that, there's usually a darn good reason. I have used him as an example to my husband in subtle ways. Maybe that was my mistake...being 'subtle' about what I said. I guess my husband can't figure out the fact that he should be focusing on his finances and marriage first and foremost, not supporting a friend who really has made his own bed. Know what I mean? Before my husband took this guy in, he'd been sleeping on the floor of some barber shop on an air mattress. Prior to that he'd stayed with some other guy who eventually sent him on his way. The way I see it, my husband is presently not much better off than his friend. Granted, my husband works (at least last I knew, he did), but the only reason he's got a roof over his head is because of his father's efforts, not his own.

    My husband may be a little depressed if he's realizing where HIS life is going. When we married, we were renting a nice 2-bdrm condo in a decent area. It had a garage and basement, which we needed because of his construction tools, etc. It also had central air and a dishwasher. He's not much for washing dishes...and the trailer his dad bought him has none of these things. It's over 20 yrs old, the rooms aren't very big and it needs quite a bit of elbow grease and TLC. I'm wondering if he's maybe eating his words from when he used to complain endlessly about living at that condo. I have nothing against living in a mobile home...don't get me wrong at all there. My sister & her husband started out in one, too. But for $2,500, I'm sure you can imagine the difference between this trailer and a better well-kept one.

    His friend does not seem to have any self-respect - or respect for my husband's situation. He sat there many nights listening to us review the debt problems...and the unpaid bills on my husband's end total about $10,000 just based on the ones I'm aware of. Had I been this friend, I'd have been applying at each of the 4 hotels right in that area for any kind of job. There are also restaurants and gas stations within walking distance, too. He would spend his days sitting on the computer all day and into the wee hours of the morning. He was never 'shy' about asking my husband for cigarette money either and made no effort to try to cut back on the smoking.

    For some reason, people such as Steve seem to get more respect from my husband than I do. Beats the heck out of me. I'm wondering if his father's putting his foot down since I heard him tell Steve Friday of Labor Day weekend to get a job, ANY job. He told him, "Anything's better than nothing."

    Well, I'd better get my butt working here. Lots to do and not enough hours to do it in. Hope you had a nice evening with Junior last night. My class was nice and I got a lot done on my project. Still no call from my husband. Has your guy tried to make any further contact?

    Lori

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 07:28 AM   #40
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    so your father in law told Steve to get a job, any job?
    oh brother what a situation
    he's probably getting sick of the situation also. I didn't realize that Steve was in a way sponging off of your husbands parents too. Geez Louise, doesn't the guy have ANY self respect at all?
    You're absolutely right about, if his own family won't help him, they know him better than anybody, there must be a reason.
    Hey I just thought of why your husbands may like him around......cuz Steve is such a loser, your husband feels better about himself. He figures he's a step above Steve, so he's ok. Kinda sad.
    It's good that your husband is having time to think about his situation, maybe it will sink in that he's pushing away a good thing. Let him live in his run-down trailer, and think about that nice condo with the garage and the dishwasher. I don't want to sound mean, but sometimes you just wish they realized what they're doing! It's very frustrating.
    I watched TV mostly all nite last night, and talked to a couple friends on the phone and didn't go on line until later, just before bed.
    Well I didn't respond to the folded arm smiley face. I logged on yesterday and saw that he sent me a couple more neutral faces, so I sent one back, just kinda a neutral one. Not a broken heart, not a smile either. Maybe that makes him feel better, like there is still some contact, but without the conversation. Maybe it makes me feel better, I don't know.
    Well I got to go do some work, I'll check back later. Have a good day!

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 10:10 AM   #41
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Yep, that was my father-in-law who said that directly to Steve in front of me and my husband. It was long overdue, too. He sure is sponging of of my inlaws as well as my husband. If I were them and I was making my adult employed son's truck payment and housing only to watch HIM spend his money on this guy, I'd be totally livid by now. I completely agree with you about this guy's lack of self-respect. I also cannot understand my husband's lack of self-respect and respect towards his parents in doing something like this. It's just wrong in my eyes - almost like stealing, too.

    I also agree with your theory as to why my husband wants to have this guy (and others like him) around him - to make him feel better about himself. Maybe you're right though - maybe he is starting to see that he's not all that far above Steve anymore. He's hanging on by a thread from what I can tell and just barely. Hopefully, his parents are asking him how he can be in the state that he's in when he works a $20/hour job and they're paying his largest bill - the truck payment. Maybe Nakita was right as well when she mentioned that maybe he's starting to realize that there's something not quite right about himself - or maybe his parents are conveying that message.

    I understand you sending back the neutral smiley face. It probably does make you feel better because if you're anything like me (& it sounds like you are), you can't help but feel sorry for him. At least you aren't getting pulled into any of those draining conversations for the moment. Have you been enjoying the rest? I'm sure you're sleeping a little bit better than you would during one of those rage periods. Your evenings are so identical to mine...I get home, do yardwork or something, chat with a friend or two and then it's off to bed after I go online for a little while. What a life we've got these days, eh?! LOL Look forward to chatting with you later on if you have the time.

    Lori

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 01:05 PM   #42
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Rose:

    You wrote:
    "Since you are aware of yourself being borderline, does it help you control the borderline behavior? I'm wondering if he would become aware, if it would help. You know your husband is great and all, does it make you feel more secure? "

    The answer to both is yes! Understanding that I am borderline DOES help. I learned in therapy (that I did myself with workbooks), that I CAN control most situations, even if that means walking away from something that annoys me, angers me, or upsets me. Example: I was soo upset by my 13 y/o niece getting lunch detension because she defended herself against a girl that hit her, that I wanted to go to the school, give them the devil, and pull my niece out of school. BUT,,, somewhere in me, I knew this was NOT rational. I didn't go. I didn't call. I know the school rules... even if I don't agree... Fighting is fighting...she essentially was supposed to stand there and take it, NOT defend herself... I've been thru this with MY kids...(btw we are filing assault/battery charges with the police and juvinille authorities, and skipping dealing with the school). I vented my rage on the message board I use for emotionally challenged teens. I felt better. I waited until the next day, when I was calm, called the school, and got the details. I was correct that fighting is fighting, so she shouldn't have defended herself. That RULE burns me up, but she's NOT my kid, and the school isn't going to change that rule.

    So YES, acknowledgement of being borderline, KNOWLEDGE in itself, has helped tremendously. Having a husband who is supportive, loving, caring AND knowledgable about my condition is a major PLUS!!!

    BUT my husband is NO more supportive of ME, than you and Lori of your men. Remember that.... You are doing something! You are gaining knowledge about BPD.
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    Old 09-21-2005, 02:07 PM   #43
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hello Ladies,

    How are you both this afternoon? This is a very interesting conversation we have been having. You both have so much in commom, both love men who are borderline, but they haven't acknowledged it yet. Both of you do about the same things after work. Both of you are intelligent, loving ,caring, and interested in knowing more about the emotional health of your loved ones. You are both walking on eggshells. Caught up in this nightmare of borderline personality disorder. You didn't ask for it, but you still love them in spite of it, you want to help, but you've come to realize, that RIGHT NOW, involvement cannot help either of you or your men.

    I, on the otherhand, am a recovering borderline AND walking on eggshells. My niece, the 18 y/o one, is borderline, recoginized by her, but not enough to seek professional help AND my 13 y/o niece is pre-borderline. Their mother is agoraphobic, uneducated ( she left school in the 7th grade), and is a door mat when it comes to her children. She also has a 10 y/o son.

    I applaud your strength , your willpower , and your determination.

    I also applaud your desire to gain more knowledge about this problem.

    Lori:

    You are doing so great! Taking a rug class! That's wonderful. I crochet, it's mindless also. Resisting the temptation to see your husband right now.

    Rose:

    You are also doing great! Not responding to the IM's, except to remain neutral. Your Junior is a great joy to you and a comfort. I understand.
    I'd be a basket case if I didn't have my babies (dogs and cats).

    My husband is no saint. He has his flaws. For example: he does not work, has not worked in 5 years. hasn't looked for work. Anything is just good enough. He hates this town so much... eventhough he grew up here... he won't/can't work here. Of course, the only jobs here are gas stations, fast food, dollar store, etc... where they wouldn't hire him anyway. He DOES computer work freelance, so he's not completely financially deadbeat. He does NOT spend money haphazardly. He is NOT social. he doesn't like to go out, unless we're going to the park alone or to the store. He doesn't go to the free concerts and karaoke events in town. He wouldn't go to our town's annual harvest fest type event. He doesn't want to run into anyone he grew up with. I don't know if he is embarrassed because he has gained so much weight since high school, or because he just doesn't like these people anymore. but we have NO social life. He doesn't participate in family activities. I take care of Joe, HIS brother. he does drive his sister to the store or doctor when she needs to go, but he prefers to stay in car. I am the one going next door to visit.

    I miss being social. I take my nieces and daughter when she's in to the music and karaoke events. I love karaoke! I like people. I need people. I don't care if they are strangers, I'm not shy. I'm extremely outgoing.

    He doesn't like crowds, he hates the mall, unless it's one of those times when its practically vacated. He likes walmart in the middle of the night. We don't go out. We didn't go out much when we had income. I mean out to places where there would be PEOPLE. I really miss people. He doesn't go to my parents with me, he doesn't go to events at the college where my daughter attends. He doesn't mind MY going to these things. He doesn't say I can't go, or even hint that he doesn't want me to. He's ok if I go. But sometimes, ok, most of the time, I want to enjoy these things TOGETHER.

    He has serious carpal tunnel in both hands. He has severe nerve damage in his arms and legs due to a back injury from years ago. He can't really work, not a "regular" job. He can't hold a coffee cup for more than a minute.

    My parents don't like him because of the jobless situation AND because he's FAT! and he is...He's my teddy bear. He weighs around 320 lbs. He's only 5'8". He was a star football player in highschool and all the bulk used to be muscle. He was injured playing football. He is extremely intelligent, but didn't/couldn't go to college because he was the only one of 11 children that would stay home and take care of his dying mother. He lost a college football scholarship due to the injury. We can't afford for him to go now, but we are looking for grants/scholarships/work study programs.

    He has almost NO temper. His fuse must be really long, because I have only seen him angry twice in five years. Never at me, no matter what kind of crap I put him thru. His anger amounted in a raised voice, and a fist slammed into a wall. The wall wasn't anywhere near the person he was mad at. I live with NO violence, finally. The only times he has ever raised his voice to me, was just to be heard over my ranting and raging. He would rather talk out a problem than sulk about it, like most men I know. He can see both sides of a situation.

    He is not religious, doesn't want to go to church. I want to, but with him. He pretends to dislike our cats and dogs, then snuggle up to them when he thinks I'm not looking. He says he's frustrated with my daughter, who is schzophrenic, a freshman in college, a contant story-teller, who blows everything out of proportion, but he hugs her and helps her with her computer. He plays basketball with her. He puts his arm around her while watching a movie together.

    He's never been controlling about the money. Never buys anything without discussing it first, and I mean anything, like motor oil or gas. He doesn't get stuff for himself at the grocery store. I can't have cookies, ice cream, etc unless they are low carb or sugar free. I am the one that throws the stuff he likes in the buggy for him.

    He takes out the trash without being asked. He does dishes, except the glass ones that he may drop. He cooks, he cleans, he feeds the cats and dogs. He takes care of the car and the computers. He finds me my favorite movies and tv shows.

    and HE LOVES ME...HE LOVES ME... no matter what I do, and I've done it...no matter what I say, and I've said some pretty bad stuff... HE LOVES ME. No mater how I look....and I don't care for make up or hair care products when I'm not going anywhere....how I dress... mostly shorts and T's now....HE LOVES ME... I don't EVER have to worry about him leaving, he makes me feel like I'm the one that's holding HIM together. I don't ever feel panic or paranoid with him. I can tell him ANYTHING. I even told him that I was attracked to someone else..made him leave...dated this other guy....this was a before we got married.....and he didn't get jealous ( didn't let me know he was jealous) or upset or angry.... HE JUST LOVED ME....and waited....for three months....I came to my senses..... He's never brought it up, never asked questions about it.... JUST LOVED ME. HE WAS HERE....LOVING ME...and that is all that should matter.

    My parents don't see it, but they've never acknowledged that I am borderline. All they see is that he doesn't work and that he is fat. His family sees it though. None of their husbands or ex husbands hug them for no reason. Or hold their hands... or kiss them out of nowhere....After five years he is still affectionate. He is still attracted to me Still grabs my... well you fill in the blank... when I walk by him....He never disrespects me, in private or in public.

    As you can see, I could write all day about my husband, but I won't. I guess my point is, that you two seem the same way about your men. Always concerned about how THEY feel....

    that's all for now..
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    Old 09-21-2005, 02:25 PM   #44
    rosequartz
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Nakia,
    Your husband loves you unconditionally! Thats what everyone hopes to find! You're one of the lucky ones! I'm so happy for you, that you can find security and comfort in your relationship.
    One thing that struck me funny is that you said your parents have never acknowledged your BPD....even in your moms field? Even after knowing you had something wrong and she sent you for counselling? You've never discussed it with her? So who is your nieces mother? Your sister? or your husbands or ex-husbands sister? I hope you don't think I'm being nosy, I'm just trying to understand. Thank you so much for being honest and sharing your experiences. It does help! It also makes me feel good that you say that just acknowledging and understanding your BPD, makes it easier for you to deal with. The only thing is, I'm not sure my ex is evolved enough to look inside himself to try to understand. I think he goes thru life blindly lashing out at the world around him, never accepting any of the blame. Yes I'm trying to stay neutral, but I'm wondering if I'm stringing him along and should just not respond AT ALL.
    Sorry to hear that your husband isn't very social. Do you think he has agoraphobia? It's good that he doesn't mind if you socialize, althought I know you would be happier if he went with.....at least he's not trying to control you or limit your socializing.
    You say your husband is no more supportive of you than Lori and I are or our guys, but the difference is that you SEE it.....you FEEL his support. I don't think our men realize that they're being supported.......I don't think they realize that we're on their side.

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 02:35 PM   #45
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    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Lori,
    Yes that is hard to understand if he makes $20/hr and he can't pay his bills. What on earth is he spending his money on? Do you think he has a drug problem? Maybe he is starting to realize something isn't right, but I'm not sure if he realizes what. Maybe he just feels like he's too old to live with his parents, sponge off his parents, etc. Maybe they feel that way too, but don't understand why? Maybe they're just starting to think that their son is a bum. In a way, I hold them partially responsible. They're allowing him to act that way, they're enabling him. Yeah I don't lead a very exciting life sometimes. I like to relax and be by myself. I tell myself, when I'm alone, I'm at peace.....LOL I like to be at peace, and when you're walking on eggshells, it's damn near impossible. I have a lot to do, I should be walking on my treadmill and doing my workouts, but I'm always coming up with excuses...(shame on me). It's not like I'm bored, I'm tired and sometimes I'll admit, I get lazy. Plus I think stress drains you. Even though he's not around, my mind is still filled with thoughts of him, etc. It still drains me, but not as much as actually being around him.....LOL
    On a seperate note, has he acknowledged receiving the letter? Any more phone calls on your cell phone for him?

     
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