It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • letter to a borderline boyfriend

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 09-21-2005, 02:39 PM   #46
    Nakita
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Nakita's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Fairmont, WV
    Posts: 208
    Nakita HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    My nieces are the daughters of my husband's sister. They live next door.

    Mary, my sister in law, IS agoraphobic, nuerotic, and scared of most everything. I believe I answered this about her somewhere and I'm just waiting for the board to catch up... if it doesn't or if I answered this somewhere else,,, maybe I'm too tired and I answered this question on the diabetes board! LOL wouldn't that be confusing!!! LOL

    you're right of course Rose. I do recognize the value I have in my husband. and I love him dearly. Of course you already know that....
    __________________
    Nakita


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 09-21-2005, 02:53 PM   #47
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hey Nakita
    I was wondering if your hubby is agoraphobic, since he doesn't want to go out much. Yes I know you love your hubby
    He is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him!
    well I'm getting ready to close up shop here at work, will try to get on line a little later tonite! Talk to you ladies soon, and keep your chins up!
    Nakita, I know you're tired and are fighting it......why don't you go take a quick nap?

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 03:25 PM   #48
    Nakita
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Nakita's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Fairmont, WV
    Posts: 208
    Nakita HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Yep! I was right. I posted it elsewhere! Guess it'll turn up eventually..


    About Mary...my sister in law... she's the mother of my two nieces I keep talking about.. she also has a ten year old son. All three children are spoiled rotten, and not in a good way. Mary is agoraphobic, can't make the simplest phone call to the cable company about her bill, can't go to the store alone, can't call the school about a problem with one of the kids... We do most of this for her. I take the kids to the doctor, my hubby drives her to the store on the 1st. She gets SSI and when asked her disability is 'fears'. She gets disability for being afraid of EVERYTHING.

    Rose, I think my mother doesn't want to acknowledge my BPD because SHE diagnosed me as hystrionic. NOT Bi polar or borderline. and Borderline is so AWFUL. The research at the time, when I was in my teens and twenties, was the borderline was caused by major trauma during childhood. When my mother was in school, borderline was in between neurotic and psychotic. My mother knows of NO major trauma during my childhood. It certainly wasn't that my father emotionally abused me by being over protective. It wasn't because they got divorced when all my friends still had two parents at home. It wasn't because she was too busy being a single mom with a job in the 70's, to be a mom. She had her 9-5 director of a social services agency, she had her parents without partners, her PA group - like AA or NA, but for parents who are abusive. Then she had her teaching job. She taught "Creative Divorce" at the local college, one night a week. I realize now that she needed the money, but there was no time for me or my sister. At a most cruicial time in my life- teenager...There was my dad who asked too many personal questions and didn't like the answers, they angered him... till I said "If you don't like the answer and don't really want to know the answer, then don't ask the question". He follows this advise still today with me.

    I've TRIED and TRIED to discuss it with my mother. Afterall, it was HER bestfriend, MY Godmother, who diagnosed ME. Granted, as a licensed therapist, my godmother could not disclose my info to my mom, BUT after age 30, I told my godmother it was OK to discuss it with my mom. She never did, since my mom never brought it up. My mom says "You're not borderline, I've never seen any borderline behavior" Yeah, right

    What about all those times when I was ranting and raving and RAGING when I was teen? What about the time when I told one of HER friends that she was ruining my life? What about all those destructive behaviors, running away, hanging with the wrong crowd, having sex with more boys than I care to admit? What about having so many ruined marriages? What about always (until now) choosing men who would abuse me? What about always wasting my money? What about the fact that I NEVER had a female friend that I could trust. What about the fact that I wanted a female friend so badly that the one I trusted is now married to my last ex husband? What about the emptiness I told her about? What about the void? the nothingness? the lack of feeling? the sudden mood swings... up.....down....up.....even....down...etc ... My sister did none of this... this is not normal behavior. She KNOWS this and if it had been ANYONE else except HER DAUGHTER, her oldest, her smartest ( I have an IQ over 140 ), she would have believed it.

    No, I'm just the screw up. I went against her advice and married Mike, the alcoholic wife raper. I married T, the man 4 years my junior, who loved to party and dance, but also loved to cheat, especially with barmaids. What about my 3rd husband, who ADORED me (my parents told HIM that I wasn't good enough for him), who left me when the first young, thin, blonde came around? But I'm 'Crazy" to be with L, my present husband....

    Obviously I have a lot of rage with my mother....too many issues to get into


    O, I forgot, you all were talking about TV shows.... I love LOST... it's great...and Judging Amy, the Pretender, King of the Hill, and the discovery channel, the learning channel, the history channel, etc... LOL
    __________________
    Nakita


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 07:11 PM   #49
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Yikes Nakita - you REALLY answered my question! I hope I didn't open up a wound. Your mom sounds like she's in denial, big time. She doesn't want to be wrong about her diagnosis and she looks at it as a blemish on her record as a mom if she admits you have BPD. I'm sorry your mom hasn't been much of a support system at all to you. It's too bad (and ironic) that being a successful, intelligent woman, (who I'm sure has helped a lot of people), she is blind to the troubles of her own daughter. Maybe she is just too close to the situation to view it objectively. At least she did one thing right, she recognized you needed help and hooked you up with your Godmother, who sounds like an absolute ANGEL! Theres a good book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Maybe you've read it already. I guess you just have to look at your mom as human, as we all are, with faults and accept her. What else can you do? I know you have rage, but don't let the rage poisen you in the process. You've come too far! And as far as marriages go, for you, 4th times a charm! LOL Be happy and do what's right for you, you've earned that right!

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 07:46 PM   #50
    Scared Wife
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Scared Wife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 238
    Scared Wife HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Girls!

    So much to catch up on between you two tonight! LOL Well, what I don't get to tonight, I will do on my break from work tomorrow. LOL Tonight I ran a bit late at work and rushed through dinner and mowing the front yard. Tomorrow's another day when it comes to the backyard.

    Rose, yes - I believe my inlaws have enabled Frank through the years. I think they've always bailed him out, rarely (if ever) questioned his stories, etc. I understand they do it because they love him, but they need to quit so their little boy can become a real man, not a pretend one. They are financially successful, so that makes it even easier for them. Maybe they're starting to open their eyes and see what's really going on...that not only are they supporting their grown son, but his friend as well - inadvertently.

    Nakita, thanks so much for acknowledging our efforts. I'm sure I speak for both of us when I tell you how much it means. Regardless of what happens to my marriage, I will possess more knowledge than I did in the past. Maybe one day I can volunteer somewhere to help others with BPD, etc. I do try so very hard to learn, learn and learn and, of course, understand. I wish my husband would see me through your eyes. Your husband is an absolute angel, and I'm sorry that your parents fail to see how good he is TO YOU and FOR YOU. Beauty is only skin deep - and the only thing that matters is how he makes you feel. My husband could be a model with his blue eyes, long brown hair and slim, sexy build - but how beautiful is he in my eyes anymore with the way he treats me? Know what I mean? You just hug that big teddy bear every night - he's a keeper! And, since he sounds bigger than my husband, maybe he could come here to surprise my husband and whallop him a good one in the head! JUST KIDDING!!

    Well, it's getting late so I'd better call it a night. I'm hanging in there but still depressed over the lack of response to my letter. I love him and miss him. I feel hated and written off and have no idea why. I'll read through these latest posts in the morning while I'm having coffee at work and will talk further. Hope you both are having a nice, relaxing night.

    Lori

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 08:09 PM   #51
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Lori,
    I know we've been on a roll today huh? I had to LOL when you said maybe Nakita's hubby could come whallop him in the head! Now that was funny!
    I'm sorry he didn't respond to your letter, it's no excuse, but maybe he doesn't know how to respond.....listen to me now, it's bad enough I make excuses for Tim, and now I'm making excuses for your husband.....LOL
    Maybe Nakita's husband could whallop me in the head while he's at it.....
    Oh well it's been a long day. I guess we just don't want to give up hope on them. I don't know if I'm thinking clearly when I say this, but the way you said you love him and miss him, I'm thinking maybe you should make the first move "one more time". I'm not doing it in my situation because I have less invested than you and aren't sure I want to, but maybe for you it may be the right thing.....don't do anything until Nakita advises if I'm talking out my rear end here....
    I'm going to bed, I'm tired and I'm not sure I'm giving good advice.....LOL take it with a grain of salt!!
    Talk to you ladies soon!

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 07:43 AM   #52
    Scared Wife
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Scared Wife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 238
    Scared Wife HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Rose,

    I know where you're coming from about me possibly making the first move one more time. Yet, I keep thinking of all the first moves I've made all this time and how little they seem to have done. For some reason, I just cannot bring myself to make any further moves. He went from being loving & affectionate to icy cold as though someone just flipped a switch. The last time I saw him, he looked like he was ready to jump out of his skin. He seemed EXTREMELY angry and mostly frustrated...tripping/walking into things, etc. That's why I'm wondering if there IS a drug problem...and maybe now that his father seems to be monitoring things such as his paychecks a little closer, it has become harder for him to indulge the habit since he would have to explain where the money went? Purely a guess on my part...but SOMETHING happened. In the past, he has never had a problem telling me when I've said or done something that was wrong in his eyes. He hasn't done that...nor has he made any contact to either apologize & smooth things over again OR ask me to get the dissolution/divorce thing finalized (which, by the way, he holds the final documents for, not me). I also wonder if his father is making the same statements that I've been making for quite some time because, if he is, then in my husband's paranoid mind he will think that his parents & I have been talking behind his back...which we really have not done other than a few isolated times and my comments were not accusing or anything.

    For example, his mom and I had a face to face conversation one day when I waited in the truck. She came outside, gave me a big hug & a kiss through the window, asked me how I was doing, said they missed me & asked when we were getting back together. Not the reaction I expected AT ALL, considering he'd been telling me for over a year now how much his parents 'hate' me. I skipped over the question by saying that he was having a lot of financial difficulties & I was letting him focus on those problems. She then said, "He's never been good with money and he never will be. I just told my husband last night that one of these days we're going to find out that he's living under a bridge somewhere." I was shocked at this comment from her - as it told me they weren't as 'in the dark' as I'd thought. I mentioned that I'd offered to help him with banking/financial things and only said that it seemed to make him angry towards me. I also told her that I couldn't understand why he would want to support a friend at a time when he isn't paying his bills and stated, "That makes absolutely no sense to me at all." I also made her aware that it was MY inquiries at the bank that made the discovery as to what the electronic funds transfers were for (he thought the bank was ripping him off - it turned out to be the monthly fee for his business insurance that he CLAIMED to have cancelled late last year) and that even after I informed him that this was still being deducted from his account, he dragged his feet for MONTHS with getting it resolved. So there was no 'slamming' or anything towards him...just kindly worded statements. If nothing else, she walked away knowing that I HAVE tried to be helpful and I've been pretty patient with regard to these matters. So maybe that alerted his parents to start observing his paychecks a little closer - but I can't be sure.

    Not too long ago, I'd surprised him by spending a Saturday afternoon making his favorite macaroni salad the way his mom makes it and showed up at the hotel with it that evening. He was tickled and really enjoyed eating it. I guess it doesn't occur to him that I could have opted to spend the time it took to make it visiting a friend, taking my dog to a park or just plain doing something for me. I keep thinking about how I wanted him to be happy with that surprise and keep wondering why the concept didn't 'stick'. There've just been oh-so many things I've done - renting movies that he told me he wanted to see and showing up with them. Picking up coffee creamer & sugar when I'd find a bargain since his friend goes through the stuff like water and all too often they'd be out of the stuff when he went to make a cup of coffee for himself. All sorts of 'little' things that would mean a lot to me if I were in that situation. I don't know...maybe I handled that all wrong, too.

    Well, have a great day today with whatever you're doing. I'm chasing down all sorts of loose ends here at work today since tomorrow I'll be busy with payroll. Sure hope Nakita's feeling better today, too. She sure has a lot on her shoulders, doesn't she? She must be the pillar in that family!

    Lori

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 07:47 AM   #53
    Nakita
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Nakita's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Fairmont, WV
    Posts: 208
    Nakita HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Good Morning Ladies!

    Got up bright and early today with my husband telling me that DHHR called about my state disability and needed to talk to me. I'm thinking, O NO, what now?
    I called my worker and she said she's sending me papers so I can make appts with a neurologist and a psychiatrist to be evaluated for disability and they are going to pay!!! This is wonderful, because it means my case is moving forward!!! I can choose the doctors I want, which is also great since my neuro has been working with me for over 10 years now for the migraines, and the last shrink I saw was the one who diagnosed me bipolar in addition to bpd.

    Maybe I will get it. This is just for a medicaid card, but that will help soooo much. I dont' know if you know or not, but when an adult over age 18 has medicaid, their prescriptions only cost $3 each. I could get that MRI I need, go to the dentist, to the eyedoctor, get better scripts!!! AND I've found out that there IS, FINALLY, a psychologist who SPECIALIZES in BPD at WVU hospital, which is only about 1/2 hour from me! Wouldn't that be great?

    Rose: no you didn't open up any old wounds. One of the reasons I came to this board and others is that venting my rage this way is much healthier than holding it in. Helping others helps me. I've had mother issues all my life. Most people wonder why I still associate with her, but she's my mom, I love her. She tries. I haven't had any raging problems that are out of control in two years. BUT I do take xanax when needed.

    One more interesting thing that has happened, and very disappointing to me. My son, he'll be 21 in January, was arrested on Aug 7th for underage drinking, drunk and disorderly, destruction of property, and obstruction. The obstruction was because he refused to provide any info about himself, and he had a fake ID on him that could not be verified. The police did NOT charge him with possession of a fake ID, although they could have easily, but since he finally gave them his correct SSN, they didn't charge him with that. So, when he sees the judge on Aug 8th, he is given a $1500 bond, and sent to the regional jail. We don't have local jails anymore in WV. No one will bond him out. No me, even if I had the money, not my parents. AND his so-called friends didn't either. Three friends for $50 each or five friends with $30 each, and no one did it. I didn't bond him out or call my landlord, who is a bail bondsman, because this is the 5th time he's been arrested for underage drinking. I wanted him to learn a lesson. So did my parents. They've given him soooo many chances and he keeps screwing up.

    Anyway, his hearing was Tuesday morning. I'm at the courthouse in the town he was arrested in, with my daughter because she wanted to see her brother, and my son comes in with his orange jumpsuit on, shackled and handcuffed. He barely acknowledges my presence. Now, I've accepted about 10 collect phone calls from him, talked with him, wrote him letters in jail, BUT I would NOT bail him out. He's basically expressionless. Doesn't talk much. THEN his roommate comes in, and my son is excited: "Hey Ray!" all happy to see him.
    Ray brought my son clothes to wear and shoes in case he is released.

    My son's sentence was 90 days in jail, 45 already served, the other 45 suspended and given a year probation. Plus restitution for the damage done to a car $500, plus court costs of $160 per charge, and a probation fee of $360. He also has to pay mileage for the transport from jail and for the witnesses time and mileage. He has six months to pay. So he goes and changes out of the orange jumpsuit, puts on his clothes and walks over to my car where me and my daughter are waiting for him. No hug, no hi MOM, nothing but "can I have a cigarette?" My daughter gives him a smoke, then he takes off with Ray.

    My husband AND my mother ask why I would expect anything different. Why did I expect him to be happy to see me? I didn't bail him out, I didn't offer to give him money, I didn't even have a pack of smokes for him, so why be happy to see me?

    J, my son, is so much like his father, who is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I left his father so J wouldn't be influenced to follow in his footsteps, but it's happening anyway. J's stolen from us, broken into our home, stole prescriptions and sold them, so I won't let him spend the night. I have to be tough. I won't pay his bills, I won't give him money. I'm pretty sure that he sells pot. But I would feed him if he needed fed. I've given him food from my pantry and freezer, but I won't give him money to buy food, cause I know he'd rather buy beer.

    I know that I've talked about Rock Bottom before. J has not reached his yet. I had hoped that he would, sitting in jail for over 45 days. But obviously not. I just hope and pray that the next time I see him, it won't be in a hospital because he DOES drive and drink and smoke pot. But what can I do? He's an "adult" in the eyes of the law.

    Lori: If a good head thumping would help your husband, I'd be happy to send my husband up there, (of course I would come too just to meet you

    I'll be on later tonite,
    __________________
    Nakita


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 12:57 PM   #54
    Scared Wife
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Scared Wife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 238
    Scared Wife HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Nakita,

    That is WONDERFUL news about your approvals to go ahead with your medical appointments! That had to absolutely make your day. I'm very happy to hear that you'll be able to continue getting the care you're needing and through the doctors that YOU choose.

    With regard to your note to Rose, I often wonder if I'm opening up any wounds with you as well and certainly hope you realize that is never, ever my intent. It has been so helpful and COMFORTING to talk to you. Your answers are always so honest and clear - sure helps me sort a lot out that spins around in my head 24/7. You and Rose have become my life-line's without a doubt. A week into this 'silence' period with my husband, I quit picking up the workbook. I hate not finishing things so I will probably put my nose inside of it tonight after I mow the backyard.

    I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble your son has gotten into but agree with you on how you handled it by not getting him out of jail. I know that had to be a VERY hard decision for you as his mother. I feel so bad at the lousy 'reception' you had from him, too. You deserved better than that. While it's true that you didn't coddle him through the problem, you were nonetheless THERE and that deserves acknowledgement. Isn't it funny how friends can be treated better than family?! Oooohhh, is that ever a sore spot with me, Nakita. It certainly does hurt, doesn't it? He'll learn one day...when the friends are no longer there because they've got other commitments, etc. It's crystal clear to me that you are the ROCK in your family. One day those who fail to see it right now will come to realize the sacrifices you have made in order to help them. Just seems like that takes forever sometimes, huh? I'm like you - I don't expect anyone to grovel at my feet whenever I do something for them, just common courtesy and the respect of acknowledgement are enough of a thank you for me.

    You mentioned that you like to crochet. Sure wish I could see you because I've got a TON of yarn that needs a good home. LOL My husband used to tease me about doing things like that or how I did it, so I sort of put it all off to the side. Then I got into this primitive rug hooking thing with his friend's girlfriend and just love it because it's even easier than crocheting. LOL It's not an inexpensive hobby, but I just by my materials as I need them and that seems to work out OK for my wallet. LOL

    I hope you saw my other post about your thrush issue and my mom's suggested remedy. If not, take a look at it.

    So far, I've been coping as well as can be expected in spite of no response to my letter. I'm not sure exactly what to make of it. I'd expected the raging phone call & so far it hasn't come, which is a relief...yet I'm still a bundle of nerves thinking it's bound to come sooner or later. Either way, he would need to contact me to either tell me to get lost & proceed with the dissolution or to just accuse me of attacking him unfairly, etc. I'm getting nothing at all...and I don't know what to make of it. It hurts yet it's a relief, know what I mean? I did close my letter to him with the following, which I hope reassured him as I know BPD's need:

    "I'm serious when I tell you that you have very wonderful qualities & Iím serious when I tell you that I love you with all my heart and care about you! Yet you do not seem to recognize it, appreciate it or place any value on it. Thatís the perception I have. I wish you would nurture those wonderful qualities instead of drowning them in your anger. Do not think for one minute that I have abandoned you. Nor am I just sitting here holding a grudge as you may also be thinking. I simply do not feel as though you want me there. I am hurt, and I am bewildered. I donít feel that you want me around; that is the message I received the last time I saw you. You said you just wanted some time to yourself, and you have not contacted me since.

    I've put a lot of time, thought and, above all else, my heart into this letter. Itís to tell you that you are loved and cared for. I hope you get something out of it. It's not meant to make you angry, it's meant to make you think."

    So I'm hoping my final 2 paragraphs were OK and didn't push him the other way. Do you think I did OK here?

    Well, I'll jump online later tonight. I still need to mow the backyard and maybe I'll take my chubby Stu for a much-needed brisk walk around the block. Hope you're having a terrific day with that great news this morning! I will talk to you later.

    Lori

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 06:53 PM   #55
    Scared Wife
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Scared Wife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 238
    Scared Wife HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Well, here's an update...my husband's online at the moment & has been for about 20 minutes now. He's not IM'ing me nor has he written any email to me either. Not looking good at all. Guess I shouldn't be all that surprised, but it cuts like a knife nonetheless. Guess he doesn't care about us or me anymore. Well, I'm off to bed now - depressed as all heck. Hope you both are having a nice night. I mowed the backyard and played with my dog afterwards. So maybe I'll try to get a good night's sleep.

    Lori

     
    Old 09-23-2005, 03:16 PM   #56
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi to my BBB's (borderline board buddies)
    Nakita - Thats fantastic news about your disability insurance. It's terrible to have health issues and then have to worry about finances regarding it, then you care suffers, etc. Well I guess we all have to take the good with the bad. Sorry to hear about your son, but I have to agree with you and Lori, you did the right thing. Sometimes you really need to practice tough love. It's hard, hence the word "tough"....LOL You know, I have a friend that says the same thing about her son. She left his father and he never met his father, never even saw his father, yet he is following in his fathers footsteps with the same bad behavior and the same bad character and personality traits. It's really something to make you think. How much of who we are comes from our environment and how much comes from genetics? Maybe there ARE bad seeds out there. I'm sorry again, and I hope the boy changes his ways and realizes that he needs to. At least you got some good news to balance out the bad news.
    Lori - I know you're feeling disappointed because of all the effort you put into your letter and you still haven't heard any feed back. Please don't say that he doesn't care about you anymore. Thats one of the things I read in the walking on eggshells book. We aren't suppossed to take borderline behavior personally.....*rolls eyes* They give an example in the book.....if you were going to be married next week and the church burns down tomorrow, you will be upset (understandably), but you will not take it personally. The church didn't burn down intentionally just so YOU wouldn't be able to have your wedding there. I guess what it's saying is yes we can be upset, but we have to realize that the things that are happenning are not directed AT us...(sometimes hard to believe).
    Well Tim called and left me a message yesterday to wish me good luck because I had a mammo and an Ultrasound today because the mammo I had 3 weeks ago showed a 9mm nodule. He told me to call him back so we could talk. Sucked me back in. So I called and at first he was all sweet and nice...."Hi How are You, I miss you, thanks for calling?" with real concern in his voice. I said fine. Thanks for remembering about my test, he says, yeah I worry about you, I miss you, I love you. I asked him if he's still going to counseling and he said no, I told you I wasn't going, if you weren't going to see me. I said, I don't like that you're using that as a bargaining chip, blah blah blah. He said, I want to see you, why should I go if I can't see you, blah blah blah. Then he starts telling me that I need counselling. He's told me that before and I turned it right back around on him the last time....LOL I told him, yeah I probably do need counselling to find out why I'm still dealing with you when anyone else would have been done with you a long time ago. That stops him in his tracks. He doesn't know how to respond. I told him that what he's doing is splitting. He either see's things all bad or all good. People are either all bad or all good. He was real nice to in the beginning of the conversation and then not so nice. He says "ok Doctor rose"..... I told him I'm learning a lot by reading and wish he would read "I hate you don't leave me". I told him I'm educating myself to try to be supportive and learn as much as I can. He says (sarcastically), ok well you just keep reading then....
    I told him I needed time to myself, he said how much another month, 2 months? I said I don't know. That is the truth, right now, I just want to be by myself, and do things I need to do and not be bothered explaining myself every time I turn around, having to entertain him, or even having a conversation. I enjoy my own company! He does not enjoy his own company and can't even comprehend what that may be like. It he's alone, he's bored and lonely. Then he says, what am I suppossed to do, sit in this house by myself for the next 2 months? Like I'm responsible for his boredom. Well it ended up that my doorbell rang because I had food delivered and we hung up. I thought I would find a nasty IM but there was none. He called this morning before I left for my test to wish me good luck and tell me he loves me and ask will I be around tonite? I hesitated and said, yeah probably, he said is it ok if I call, i said ok. I was braced for him saying, can I come over? I hate to keep saying no to him, but I feel like I have to set my own boundries. Thats another thing the books talk about. It's ok to say no.
    Another thing I read about is projection. I'd heard it before, but this book really defines it in a way you can understand. Projection is when someone tries to get you to feel their feelings for them. I wonder if he is projecting his sadness and lonliness on me sometimes. I wonder if your husband is projecting his depression on you? Well I'm not looking forward to his call tonite, it will be more going round and round about him not going to counselling because I'm not seeing him and me not seeing him becaused he's not going to counselling.
    We have to keep doing what's right for us and setting our boundries of what we will and will not put up with. I try to get stuff done, I have a lot that I should be doing and sometimes I just sit and vegitate.
    Nakita - try to enjoy the good news, how's the puppy with the iron stomach?
    Lori - try not to focus on hearing from him. Can you go out with your friends or something? Take stu for a nice walk? It's nice and cool here, I took Junior out and we will go again later. He doesn't walk too far or too fast anymore, but he likes to sniff....
    Have a nice night ladies, and maybe I will be on later tonite!

     
    Old 09-23-2005, 11:39 PM   #57
    Nakita
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Nakita's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Fairmont, WV
    Posts: 208
    Nakita HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hello Girls:

    I certainly enjoy all the praise I get from you both, THANK YOU Wish you both lived near enough to me that we could get together. I've never had supportive female friends before and really appreciate it.

    Lori: I'd be taking that yarn off your hands if I had the chance. I need to start working on Christmas projects.

    Your last two paragraphs, had they been written to ME by my last ex, would have not seemed threatening, nor would they anger me. They would have opened my eyes to what I was doing to him. But, my ex didn't care enough or wasn't strong enough, and even admitted that he strayed because HE couldn't handle my BPD. (Isn't that a strange way of stating it was MY fault he had to sleep with MY friend, in MY bed?)

    You also let him know that you are open to contact from him. He knows how to reach you, yet he has not. I would take that as he needs more time, OR he's holding back (which would be impossible for me) to see if you will break with your NEED to see him. ME? I used to take a hold of ANY lifeline that is thrown to me, from almost anyone. Sometimes got me in bad situations, but I used to prefer ANY attention, even BAD attention, to NO attention at all.

    Since I can't speak for ALL borderlines, only myself, I can only go on how I would feel in that situation or how other borderlines that I know would feel.

    But YOU DID GREAT

    I made my appointment today with the PDoc that I saw when my last marriage broke up. I told them, of course, that my name had changed since I got married again, and they set my appt for Oct 13. That's pretty good timing. I figured since this is the doctor that diagnosed me as bi-polar, and agreed with my previous diagnosis of BPD, he would be a good one to see for diability.

    Seeing the neurologist I used to see is another matter. She now only specialized in people with MD/MS. I did leave her a message since I was her patient for over 8 years, that I would be very comfortable seeing her for this evaluation. I hope that she will see me, if not, recommend someone who will.

    Well, my life today was kinda interesting. I called the middle school where my younger niece goes and spoke to her English teacher. He was very nice and helpful. I explained that I am the family "mouth", and her mother has confrontation issues, even when they are pleasant, like this one was. He and I worked on a plan for her, such as a smaller group, around 10, in a setting to enable my niece to receive more attention from a teacher. She's not quite special ed or learning disabled, as they qualify it, but there are several other kids who are in between like she is. I hope this works for her. Her mother was very happy.

    Then, my niece's puppy got into some anti-freez sometime last night, and after some horrible pain and suffering, he died this afternoon. School at let out early here, so she was there when the pup died. It's brother and sister are find. They are only 8 weeks old. O did I forget to mention that I am the family Vet Tech? I have a stethoscope, and have had many pets, know lots of home remedies, but mostly look stuff up on line. So EVERYONE calls for me when they have a problem with a pet... I don't do snakes!

    That's about it for now.

    Have a good weekend...
    __________________
    Nakita


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 12:14 AM   #58
    Nakita
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Nakita's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Fairmont, WV
    Posts: 208
    Nakita HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Rose,,

    You told Lori: things I read in the walking on eggshells book. We aren't suppossed to take borderline behavior personally.....*rolls eyes* They give an example in the book.....if you were going to be married next week and the church burns down tomorrow, you will be upset (understandably), but you will not take it personally. The church didn't burn down intentionally just so YOU wouldn't be able to have your wedding there. I guess what it's saying is yes we can be upset, but we have to realize that the things that are happenning are not directed AT us...(sometimes hard to believe). I would have been upset at the church!! How dare it burn down?!!, AND I would have been mad at my fiance', my mother, my friends, the pastor, even the people who lived NEAR the church.. borderlines take EVERYTHING personally, untreated, we don't know any better...

    It's ok to say no I totally agree with that. It's hard to say NO though. And from the other side, it's hard to hear it. Before I was in recovery, I could not be alone. I didn't enjoy my own company, because I didn't know that person, when I was with other people, I was 'on stage'. I didn't really get to KNOW me, until after my last ex left. Now, I LIKE me. I think it's wonderful, Rose, that you can be alone and not feel lonely or bored. I can too now. Sounds like Lori's doing ok with that too, she has her dog, her gardening, her rug class. I don't have time to be bored, but I DO look forward to being alone. Like now, it's 3 am, I can't sleep, but I'm alone, because Larry is sleeping. I could be reading, watching TV, whatever, and I'm ok to be alone. When Larry's gone now, that's a little different.... I can be alone for about four hours, then anxiety starts to seep it's ugly way in,,, I'm working on that one.

    Please let us know how your tests have come out. I had a small tumor removed from my left breast right before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter...long long time ago...I was scared stupid!!! It was calcium deposits! So now I have an ugly scar, no big deal to me. I hope it's something similar with you.

    Setting limits actually DOES work. I have set my own for myself too. Larry has his limits. If I start to revert to borderline behaviors, trying to manipulate him or start to rage or split, then he ignores me. He lets me know that he loves me, but he's not going to respond to me while I'm behaving that way. It does work. After I come back to a rational person again, he never mentions the episode. It's kinda like a time out.


    Talk to you soon
    __________________
    Nakita


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 09:43 AM   #59
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Nakita
    Thank you for your support! It's really nice to talk to someone who understands. I am so so sorry about your nieces puppy. Antifreeze is terrible stuff for dogs. They say as little as a tablespoon can kill them, and they are attracted to the sweet smell/taste. Antifreeze is one of my biggest fears. When I walk my dog, I go thru a gas station on the corner and I'm always looking at the ground to make sure he doesn't step in anything wet. I'm worried if he licks his paws it may be too much. It only takes a tiny tiny bit. How did he get into it? I hope it's put away, or cleaned up so none of the other ones suffer the same fate. How did your niece take it? I hope she's ok. I'm really sad about that. I'm a real dog lover. I love dogs more than people.....some people think that's wrong, but the truth is, a dog will never mistreat you, disrespect you, or any of the other mean stuff that people do. Dogs give unconditional love! How's your pooch? Give him a big hug and let him give you a big smooch! That makes things a little better when you feel down. I love my little Junior so much. He's going to the chiropracter today. It really helps his back.
    I will let you guys know what the tests show, I may need some more moral support for that.... Hopefully I'll know something next week.
    Tim called last night, as he said he would. He asked if we could go out to dinner tomorrow (today). He said I should bring the book, I love you, don't leave me. I think it's another manipulation to suck me back in. He doesnt read much, or like to read. I hemmed and hawed. I said, are you really going to read it? He said yeah, I think it's important. I think it's another ploy, and then he will revert back into a raving maniac. I feel trapped when he comes over because I worry about when (not IF) he loses his temper, then what, I'll have to ask him to leave or he will rant and rave and storm out. It's a lot of pressure. And then if he's over he will expect to spend the night and I don't even feel comfortable falling asleep with him here now. I wonder if he will do something to hurt Junior. The anti freeze thing......I worry that what if he comes over with a little bit on his fingers and lets Junior lick them? I know that may sound paranoid, but I have also recently discovered that I have OCD and that worrying could be due to that, but it's also a real possibility! I don't want to take a chance with Junior. I love him TOO much!
    Plus if he comes over he will want to fool around and I'm just not up for that. He doesn't understand how his behavior affects me. I can't just turn my feelings on and off. Right now they're off, and I don't want the pressure of worrying about sex or how to get out of it. If I do it, it will be against my better judgement. If I don't, I will be punishing him.
    So I said to him, we can go out to dinner, I'll meet you somewhere, I'll bring the book, you can take it home and read it, but I don't want to spend the night. He got real quiet. I know that wasn't what he wanted to hear. I told him I had to set boundries, for now and that's what I'm willing to do. He asked me OUT to dinner, I said, ok, I will meet you. I think that's a compromise. But his plan was.....once I said yes, then he would say, how bout if I pick up some steaks and bring them over and cook for you? Then he's in the door. I know how he operates. I had to stop him in his tracks. He's not happy, but he says ok. I know he will try to change my mind when he calls today. Oh well I feel better knowing that I will see him and then be able to get away from him. I basically told him (not in those words) that's the deal, take it or leave it.
    It's good that Larry has limits and they work with you guys. I guess thats kinda what we do now without trying. When he acts up, he leaves, or I ask him to leave. Then when we see each other again, he wants to forget it like nothing happenned (I like you analogy of a time out ).....but it's hard for me to just accept his abuse, and then act like nothing happenned the next time......I'm still mad about being disrespected! I don't know.....I'll have to see what happens, one day at a time......
    Thanks again for all your support!
    You guys really are angels!!

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 06:20 PM   #60
    Scared Wife
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Scared Wife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 238
    Scared Wife HB User
    Re: letter to a borderline boyfriend

    Hi Nakita & Rose,

    Sorry I haven't been on much through the weekend. I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing my husband online and not IM'ing me or sending an email. He's online now but has an away message. There's been no email from him at all either. Quite disappointing to say the least...still no explanation and certainly no apology for the way I've been treated. That hurts.

    I've been trying not to focus on any response from him. This weekend I kept busy reading my book, working around the yard and went to a sidewalk sale just to browse around and get out with a girlfriend. So I've been trying not to sit idle if I can help it.

    Nakita, I'm sorry to hear about that pup, too. That had to be a heartbreaking experience for your niece. You're so much like me...the family vet tech. LOL Most of my background is with horses. I got my own dog a few months after an old relationship ended. Stu's been a great companion since. He's SNORING on the couch right this moment with a full belly.
    Thanks for enlightening Rose and me a little bit more, too. You guys are really helping me to plug along here. Some days I just feel like being alone to have a good cry; other days I can't stand being without a girlfriend to yak with. I really appreciate your positive feedback on the way I closed my letter. Guess I'm still just struggling to understand the lack of response...you'd think by now he'd either send me a nasty email telling me to get lost or shove it or some form of explanation or apology. I don't get this.

    Rose, good luck with your tests. I know how scary that stuff is. I had a precancerous condition in the mid-90's and it was terrifying for me. The problem was caught early and I endured some pretty painful procedures, but the end result has been good. This was another disappointment with regard to my husband. The day before the appt (early in the week that he flipped on me), I mentioned that I had an appt the next day. He just said, "OK - talk to you tomorrow" and gave me my 4 kisses and I left. I remember feeling pretty disappointed that he had no interest in where/when the appt was and offer to go with me for moral support since I always dread the exams and any tests they decide to do on me right then and there.

    I like the way you are sticking to your boundaries that you're establishing. It sure is hard, isn't it? I hope he reads the book and recognizes some things about himself. It still seems unfair that he just wants to use the counseliing as a bargaining tool. That's not what it's supposed to be all about, you know?

    Well, I'll try to check back in later with you guys tonight. Or, tomorrow morning from work. My company wants to send me for some kind of training in Albany, NY the following week and I'm trying to weasel out of it. I'm already overwhelmed with my current responsibilities and right now my head just wouldn't be into it.

    Hope you're both doing well and had a nice weekend! I look forward to hearing from you!

    Lori

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Should I send this "closure" letter to my Bipolar boyfriend? It's been 4 weeks. bigshooter Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 10 05-19-2009 05:54 PM
    Going to send letter about BPD; need advice SisterofBPD Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 6 08-02-2006 12:46 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:38 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!