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    Old 09-25-2005, 04:30 PM   #1
    orion_81
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    Last night I snapped

    Some of you may remember my previous thread asking about long term relationships and the effects on lust.

    Well I have been regularlly bringing up the subject with my girlfriend. I have been bringing up physical attention, pulblic displays of affection, passionite kisses, intiatining sex, and the effort put in to sex in general. Before it was us just not coming to some sort of understand or clicking. Last night I believe it turned into manipulative crap and that is when I snapped.

    Yesterday I bought myself a hat that I had been searching for years for. I think it offended my gilfriend that I spent $20 on myself. Which over the past month I have bought a cd and this hat. Meanwhile I have bought her flowers, nail polish, pretty smelling lotion, took her to play pool, and bought her a cheap $6.00 movie from wal-mart. Also I have spent around $100 the past month on gas picking her up.

    Yesterday night when I came to get her. She stated that she had a movie for "us" that she bought from the cheap $6.00 bin at wal-mart. She bought "Teen Witch". I watch ALOT of chick flicks with her. I seriously don't mind if they have a decent story. She notified me that I would probably hate this one. Which left me really in question of why do I want to watch it with this discloser. I got up at 4:30 am and I was falling asleep for the last half an hour because had had been up for 20+ hours.

    We went to bed. I woke up a little because my eyes were not infront of that horriable corny movie. I was testing the waters and she seemed to be in the mood. She had been eating chips and even got up to brush her teeth. We hugged and kissed a bit and it seemed to be going in that direction. I almost believe she got me going a little just to purposely fall asleep. She did fall asleep.

    While taking her home I stated that I think I will just pretend I am a virgin. I will just masterbate once a day like when I was a virgin. It is not worth getting shot down 4 or 5 times a week. It is not worth the pain. She rolled her eyes. Shortly after she responded with well everyone gets their feelings hurt. You feel asleep in my movie. I said you bought it knowing I didn't want to watch it. She than shut the conversation down like she alwas does. I drove her the rest of the way home. We said our goodbyes and I love yous.

    On the phone. She called me to say goodnight like she always does. We talked normall for a few minuets and I played along with the ignoring plan. I than wanted to just bring up the movie subject. Just that subject isolated. I said to her you know I don't mind watching chick flicks/ girly movies with you if they are half way decent. You knew I would not like that one yet you bought it for us anyway. I don't make you sit through corny action movies. That was selfish of you to buy that and call it for "us". She than mentioned the hat and my cd. I said the differance their is I didn't buy it with the expectation that we were going to share it. I bought it for myself not for us. You stated the movie was for us.

    Some how the sex thing got brought up. I don't remeber exactly by who.

    Here is where I snapped. I stated yeah this sexual relationship sucks. If a year ago it was a "10" it is now a "2". She than made the trheat keep going and see if I have sex with you again. At that point I really felt like I had anything to lose. I stated all I do is get shot down all week. I said she doesn't do any foreplay. It is always me kissing and rubbing her body all over. I put in all of the effort (for her climaxing too) I said during sex you are like a dead body you just lay their and let me do all the work. Her favorite position is where we are on the side because it hurts her less. Unless she is super excited I also only get about 1/3 of myself in. Which for me doesn't feel the greatist . She also has her back to me which is unintimate. She hardly reachs over and touchs me. You know what she does? She massages her clitiours while I am doing the rest of the work. I told her again that the sexual relationship sucks. We hung up and have not spoke since.

    Is it all about sex? No, it isn't I am not that shallow. It does count for something. I gave this girl my virginity and a little over a year later my sexual relationship has burnt out. I asked her along time ago what percentage of the relationship does she think sex is.... she answered 50%/50%!!!!!!!! I answered something like 25% sex and 75% other stuff. So in her eyes what happened to 50% of our relationship. I am 24 years old and this relationship is far to short and I am far to young to be living the married lifestyle when it comes to sex. You know the kind where they guy has to intiate all the time. The woman is too tired or has a headache. The only time we do it is at late a night. We don't have kids... I really wonder why always before we fall asleep? Is it that much of a burden?

    The thing that made me really snap is the mess and manipulation. Like how my hat was related to the movie and the movie was related to sex. Come on, she needs to grow up. Lets not let everything be the same subject. I bought my hat because I rarely treat myself. She bought a movie that she knew I didn't want to watch for whatever reason?? I fell asleep in the last part of the movie because I was bored out of my mind and tired. She doesn't want to have sex lately because.... ????? All diffearant subjects here. Yet to her than are all the same.

    I am serching deep here. A huge subject was her moving in. She stated she would last july and than changed her mind. She also had given me a handfull of other times. But July was a promise to move in and she never did. Than in August I demanded that she at least give me a time frame of when this will happen. I was tired of living in this complete black box of not knowing when. I was not giving her an ultimatium to move in right than or there. I firgured since she promised she was going to move and and broke that promise she at least owed me a new time frame. We came up with the end of November of this year when she turns 22 years old. The moving in subject has been a great deal of conflict for the past year. She knows that if she changed her mind again it would be over between us. She has jerked me around for a year.

    I am wondering if she is having her second thoughts or something. Maybe in attempt to some how make it so she doesn't have to move in she will desrtoy our sexual relationship. Maybe she is insecure that I only want her for sex. From your point of view it is a valid insecurity from my point of view it is crazy. So to try and finally iron out this inscurity she is going to put on this little test? No matter what it is not healthy to make such drastic changes and not give a person a reason why. Not counting the past month. The past 6 months of our relationship we had sex 3 to 5 times a week. Than it suddenly changed into 1 to 2 times a week. I have asked her countless times what is going on.

    What really got me upset is her tying in my hat, to the movie and than the movie being tied into sex. Also what got me upset was me the tought of her manipulation. If manipulation was the case I shut that down by me saying I will just masturbate from now on. We are adults here for crying out loud. Unforunatlly her communication and emoiontal coping skills are not quite there.

    I guess I don't really have any questions. Except from what I wrote does it seem like she has ill hearted motives? That she is purposely shutting off our sexual relationship in hopes of acomplishing something?

     
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    Old 09-25-2005, 04:59 PM   #2
    orion_81
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    I hope my quick reply doesn't stop other people from posting. That is what I have been trying to do. Over the past year we both have been extremly broke. I got ahold of an extra $200 so I have took her out to play pool. The whole time she was rather aprude. A few weeks ago I drew her a picture of roses on a ktchen tabel (took about 4 hours). She really didn't respond. A few weeks ago I came to her work and suprised her with a bouque of flowers. A week ago I bought her a movie I thought she would (which she did). Yesterday I thought I would just get her a two little things. I bought her some pretty smellling lotion and some nail hardening polish.

    I can try not intiating sex and I just end up "excited" next to her when we lay in bed.

    I can try brining up the subject to discuss and I just hit a giant brick wall. I know their is something going on. Like I said in my orginal post I am senseing some manipulation and not for the good either.

    She gets off work in four and a half hours. I am curious if she will even call me. I have tried being nice and have tried discussing the subject in a delcate way many many times. Last night I couldn't stand being nice anymore and I said it how it is.

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 06:17 PM   #3
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    yes, a lot of us do remember your previous threads.

    Almost all of us respond to each and every thread you make, and tell you the same thing. That this constantly-troubled relationship is not worth your effort.

    What exactly are you getting out of this relationship that makes you even consider staying in it?

    Sometimes I wonder why you continue to post and ask for advice, when you never seem to take any of it...?

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 07:16 PM   #4
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    I agree with Redsox that it seems like you consistently put almost all the effort into the relationship while she does very little in return. I would be totally turned off having a partner who just lies there during sex and makes no effort to ever touch or please me, let alone a partner who almost always turned me down when I initiated any physical affection. I think the people who think this is all about sex should look through your past threads, because from what I remember, there have always been a lot of other issues at play as well. Does she still expect you to wait around until she calls and allows you to come pick her up each night, then take her home very late even though she has her own car, but just doesn't want to make the effort to ever drive over to see you? It sounds like you do everything you can to please her and she rarely lifts a finger in return except when she needs to apologize for hurtful or out of line behavior. As many people have told you all along, you deserve a lot better than this. I know this is your first relationship, so please believe and trust us when we tell you that there is a lot more to a relationship than giving, giving, giving and having a partner who doesn't even begin to pull her weight as far as effort and affection are concerned. Not to mention her history of physically abusing you, lying to your family and the cops that you abused her, and repeatedly reneging on her promises to move in with you.

    In response to what you said about her possibly testing you or trying to avoid moving in, I don't think it's a question of her having second thoughts about living with you, but rather that she just doesn't really want to do so, as she has shown by resisting the idea all along. From what you've said, it sounds like she's kept putting it off every time you pressed her to follow through on her pledge to move in with you throughout most of the time you've been together. I'm sorry to say, but her behavior seems very consistent, and I doubt that she will actually come through on her promise to move on this time when she has procrastinated over and over all along. You will probably be really disappointed if you wait around hoping or thinking she will change...if you aren't happy with her as she is, things are much more likely to get worse than to improve. I truly think you deserve a woman who will reciprocate your attention, affection, effort, and unselfish, thoughtful efforts to please her and meet her needs. I have yet to hear that she is doing nearly as much to make you happy as you are to make her happy, and since that's an established pattern, I don't think you can realistically expect it to change. There are lots of women out there who would love to find a partner who would make sacrifices and compromises to please her, and would be more than happy to take on her share of the effort required to keep a relationship equal and satisfying for both partners. You don't need to settle for someone who does nearly all the taking while you do nearly all the giving when there are so many women out there who would love to find a relationship where the man made as much effort as you do. If you'd applied all that determination and hard work to a relationship with a woman who reciprocated your effort, you would likely be much much happier now, and I truly hope you find the happy, balanced, and fulfilling relationship that you seek.

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 07:38 PM   #5
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    @stacykgb20- Thank you for that reply. I apprciate your honesty even though it makes me very very sad. I wish what I describe wasn't the truth and I was just writting this stuff down to get people to reply with what I want to hear. I don't want to hear what you wrote because it hurts. I desperatly wish I was the one with the problem. If it was my problem than I would fix it. I guess it is not my problem and that means I can fix it.

    About two months ago I started saying to my girlfriend "I hate two things about you" "These two things I find very unattractive and make me not want to be around you" "These two things are you are LAZY and SELFISH". I really wish I could understand why she decides to be so lazy and selfish in this relationship.

    Edit: Thing is from a previous arguement we had she thinks their is no chance of me breaking up with her because of her moving in date. This whole time before her moving in is really making me think. If she is really slowing down and becoming this lazy and selfish now. I can't imagine what it would be like in the future.

    One night when we were talking on the phone she gave me a very very small glimps of the truth in this relationship and that she knows it. She was telling me all the reasons why she loves me. She than almost confessed that she knows I give so much. That it is just human nature for people to take as much as they can get.

    ...well now she gets off of work in about two hours. I hope she comes through but I have learned to expect the least from her.

    Last edited by orion_81; 09-25-2005 at 07:48 PM.

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 07:47 PM   #6
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    I am very sorry, I know how sad it can be when you give everything you have to a relationship and it just doesn't seem right no matter how hard you try. Some people just aren't capable of being unselfish, giving, and loving because of their natures or, more often, because of their upbringings. If you have never experienced that kind of healthy, unselfish love or seen it in action, it's difficult to have a happy and balanced relationship between equals no matter how hard your partner tries to make you happy and make things work out. Anyway, I really feel badly for everything you've gone through, and I hope you find the happiness you want and need very soon. Take care and let us know how you are doing OK?

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 11:04 PM   #7
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    It has been well over an hour from when she got home from work and she hasn't called. I am sure she is going to try and make me feel guilty for how and what I said last night on the phone about our sex life. I tried bring it up to her plenty of times over the past months. I had also consisantly brought it up over the past month. I have also asked if she could do certain things that she used to do in bed for months. She doesn't have a fear of these sexual things she is just damn lazy.

    People are probably thinking damn this guy is shallow. It is not just about sex. It is not like that. Sex is a mirror of our relationship. The way she acts in bed is the way she acts in the rest of the relationship. So sex is just a tool to more easily address the problem of her being selfish and lazy. It is really obvious to identify that she is lazy and selfish in bed. It is harder to address that in our emotional relationship.

    If I had not been lightly but directly bringing up the subject for the past month I would say definitly say last night was uncalled for. But I have brought this up a handfull of times. She either ignores it or hardly addresses it. She never understands that their are reprocutions for ignoring someones feelings over a long term period.

    Also I just feel like I am way to young to be feeling so OLD. We work differant schdedules. I get off work at around 5 pm. She gets off work at 9pm and isn't ready to see me until usually 10pm. I go to bed at around 12:00am to 1:00am. On her days off do I get to come see her at an earlier time? Say like when I get off work? No, on her days off I come get her around 9pm. On my days off does she come visit me on her way to work since she doesn't have to be their until 12:00pm..... Nope!

    I gave this girl my virginity 1 year and three months ago. I was 22 years old a virgin and I had never been in a relationship before. Looking back I would have done it differantly if I would have know that this was going to happen in such a short period of time. When I gave her my virginity I didn't have any expectations, except one. That I would probably be living a healthy sexual lifestyle for years to come with her. So at the age of 24 it is like I am married, in my 40's and with kids. I am the pathetic husband who is practically grobbeling for sex before we go to bed? It should have not turned out like this.

    .... I really don't need SELFISH and LAZY

    Like so many have stated so many times I am starting to realize she will probably never change. That just breaks me heart to pieces.


    edit: Something I forgot to mention. On a regular basis she has been having nightmirrors of me sleeping with other people. Nightmirrors where she catches me in the act and such.

    What does this mean? She is insescure? Other than that I really don't know and I don't know why she is insecure? All I do know is their obviously is a problem. Knowing her their is little hope for getting to the bottom of this probelm and working our way past it.

    Last edited by orion_81; 09-25-2005 at 11:23 PM.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 01:23 AM   #8
    stacykgb20
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    Hi Orion, I personally couldn't think you're less shallow, and I doubt anyone who took the time to research your entire story would reach that conclusion either. You might be a little stubborn in only wanting to see the best in the woman you love and your relationship, but that's very common and admirable (as long as it doesn't get to the point where you start compromising yourself and ignoring the fact that you aren't being treated with the love, respect, and consideration you deserve, at which point it can backfire and sabotage your happiness). In fact I think you've been much more understanding, forgiving, and accepting than almost anyone else I know has ever been in their relationships. Since your recent threads have focused primarily on your physical relationship, I can understand why some posters might assume that your main concerns are sexual, but in the context of all your past threads, I'd definitely agree that your physical complaints are not the only or even the major problem but instead her attitude towards sex is representative of her attitude toward many other aspects of your relationship. If I may, I'd like to quote a few of your other complaints and point out that there are a variety of your concerns which are serious and demonstrative of a pattern that your GF isn't (and generally hasn't been) putting in as much effort and care to sustaining your relationship and making you happy as you do. Your compaints are quite rightly not only centered around sexual problems, despite the fact that people who only read your last few threads might not realize there are other important issues that have come up repeatedly as well. Anyway, I hope it's okay with you if I mention what I see those issues as being, because I would really like to hear your perspective on some of her behavior which you've detailed in the past.

    OK, the first thing bothers me is that she always expects you to come pick her up, entertain and drive her around all night, then bring her home in the middle of the night just so she can technically avoid staying over or living at your house. As you have said, "Except for a day here and there when we are argueing we spend every single day together...I have picked her up from her house either right when I get off work or ealier in the afternoon. Than we spend the whole day together. We eat dinner together. Watch some movies, hang out, watch tv ect and than we go to bed. At 3am to 4am we wake up and I drive her home. After I drive her home we talk on the phone for awhile until we fall asleep. We do this process every single day...She owes her mom like a thousand dollars. Today it hurt me because she will not borrow $10 for gas to come see me for the next week. I have drove her for 7 months straight. When I live on my own and usually have between $100 and $200 of extra money I would spend like $60 of it a month picking her up and dropping it off. When she lives at home, has food and has any where from $400 to $600 of extra money per month. I have be saying for a few months now that I want her to drive her self over for awhile. She threatens with "than you just might not see me very often." She is an 21 year adult." To me it seems like she is expecting you to not only be willing to drop everything according to her schedule but also wants you to put in all the effort as far as driving and cover all the expenses involved in you picking her up and taking her home each and every day. That doesn't seem very fair or equal to me, though I know that post was a few months old--have things improved any in this area?

    While you go out of your way to make her feel special, adored, and cherished, she doesn't seem to reciprocate those efforts and celebrate any holidays or relationship milestones by honoring you, giving you a gift, spending extra time with you, or even just trying to make you feel extra special and loved. As you said when she failed to celebrate your anniversary or birthday, "She has let me down so many times. A week ago was our 1 year anniversary. We both got of work at 6:30 pm. It seemed like she avoided me until 9:30pm. I got upset because of her wasting the night away and our anniversary was ruined. She did nothing to make it up to me. She has also said she was going to do something on our anniversary because she basically neglected my birthday, valentines day, and christmas...After our aniversery I broke up with her for a few days. Than she called me crying histerically upset to come get her. Than a week later I catch her sending a sexy picture of her to some other man. Does this girl not have a concious. I am tired of it. I have no respect in this relationship."

    Yet no matter how little money you have, you seem to make a consistent effort to show you how much you cherish and appreciate her, as you've explained: "The problem with my relationship in a nut shell is I feel like I do most of the giving and she does most of the taking. Even with this feeling she complains about the amount and what I do. I guess I will provide some examples. A few months after meeting her for the first time in my life I had and still am fiancially unstable. I still try to make lots of efforts in giving and letting her know I love her. When we used instant messenger pretty often I would write her paragraphs on how much I love her. I have wrote her a few poems. I have left nice and sweet notes on her car. I have drawn her picutres saying I love you that take hours. For her birthday I spent hours thinking of something in my budget and romantic. I even spent extra time on a romantic way to present it. For the past 6 months I have picked her up and dropped her off at her house every single day and drove us every where we go. In the beggining of the relationship I took her to the drive in, offered to take her to dinner around 5 or 6 times but she declined, I drove us to lake tahoe to go hiking, I have taken her to a movie, I have rented dozens of movies. A few times I have bought her a rose and once I bought her a nice flower plant to just say I love you. For christmas I spent every hour of my lunch from work writting her soft poetic romatic things in a book. It kinda was a daily diary on how much I love her. I spent a month+ and probably 20 hours on that diary. For valentines day even though I was seriously broke I bought her a rose, a cheescake she commented on the day before, and I spent around an hour drawing on a car being romantic. She on the other hand has not done much at all. She never bought me a birthday, xmas, or valentines day presant. I can't think of anything romantic that she has done. She has wrote a few quick quick notes saying I love you but that is all I can remember. She has never taken me out once. I made LOTS of effort to bring my parents and her together.... I have never met her parents"

    On top of that, her family seems to treat you with blatant disrespect and even unwarranted contempt, and I have a hard time advocating that anyone stay with a partner whose family seems unlikely to accept them...here's what you've said about the way her family treats you that sticks out in my mind: "Something else that is really on my mind is her family. We have been together for 1 year and 1 month. I have been in her house like 2 or 3 times for like a few minuets max. I pick her up every day at her house and have been doing so for 8 months. I sit out in my truck and wait for her like a dog in the rain. Her parents never invite me in. They have never invite me to dinner... nothing. When I call they ask in a rude way "who is this?". Yesterday I got her dad on the phone and I stated my name and he didn't even know who I was. I had to say "karen's boyfriend". Her brother is a little snot. I call to speak to her and he will tell me she isn't home when she is. Her sister is a lair. I have spoke to her shortly about our relationship and than she makes up a bunch of lies about what I said. It seems every time I am on the phone with my girlfriend I have to compete with her mother. Her mother is always interupting my conversation with complete pointless crap."

    You've also mentioned that whenever you have any concerns or that you want to discuss, she tends to be completely unwilling to even really listen, much less have a mature conversation about the issues that need to be addressed. You mentioned this with particular reference to your sexual dissatisfaction but it seems to hold true in other aspects of your relationship as well: "Another subject I need to put in the relationship health section is her inhabillity to address any of my problems. She has mentioned many times that her mom is not emotionally their for her. Today I told her she is exactly like her mom. Anytime I have a problem she just turns her head and walks away from it. I am so frustrated on so many levels." Do you still feel the same way about these relatively recent quotes and issues? If you haven't seen much or any progress to date on her part in terms on being unselfish and attentive to your needs, I think you might need to realize that you need to look elsewhere to receive that kind of love and care that you so freely give out. Take good care, Orion...

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 08:10 PM   #9
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    You can't demand the she move in with you! That will never work! If she loves and respects you, she would be ready to move in all on her own.

    Maybe that is part of the problem, you are very demanding and she sounds very immature. If you found a girl who was more mature, I bet you would settle down a bit and learn that one doesn't have to be having sex constantly in order to prove ones feelings.

    I don't understand where you get the idea about marriage and no sex, but it does show your lack of knowledge in that department.

    Oh and one other thing, if you are only able to "get it in only so far" it is probably because she isn't wanting you there in the first place. Really, it is time to find a more willing and loving partner.

    Why would you ever find "SELFISH" and "LAZY" attractive qualities in a partner?!

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 08:29 PM   #10
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    You can't demand the she move in with you! That will never work! If she loves and respects you, she would be ready to move in all on her own.

    Maybe that is part of the problem, you are very demanding and she sounds very immature. If you found a girl who was more mature, I bet you would settle down a bit and learn that one doesn't have to be having sex constantly in order to prove ones feelings.

    I don't understand where you get the idea about marriage and no sex, but it does show your lack of knowledge in that department.

    Oh and one other thing, if you are only able to "get it in only so far" it is probably because she isn't wanting you there in the first place. Really, it is time to find a more willing and loving partner.

    Why would you ever find "SELFISH" and "LAZY" attractive qualities in a partner?!
    I didn't demand she move in with me. About two months into our relationship she and I started discussing it. We got together in spring. She said probably by fall that year. Than fall came and she said by winter. Than winter came and she said definitly by spring. Than spring came and she learned to quit giving me dates. Than summer came and something tragic happend and it left me the 100% victim. She said she would do anything to be with me including moving in. A few days later after things setteled down she took it back.

    SOOOOOOOOOOOOO I decided since she was jerking me around for so long she at least owed me a date/time period so I could decide what I wanted to do with the relationship.

    No trust me it isn't about me her not wanting it there in the first place. Maybe it does now but not in the past. She has been plenty "excited" in the past and it still only goes in so far. It is just the way the position works. I think it has to do with more that I am about 7'' inches in length and about 6" inches in girth.

    Thanks!

    Last edited by orion_81; 09-26-2005 at 08:30 PM.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 04:54 AM   #11
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by orion_81
    I desperatly wish I was the one with the problem. If it was my problem than I would fix it. I guess it is not my problem and that means I can fix it.

    About two months ago I started saying to my girlfriend "I hate two things about you" "These two things I find very unattractive and make me not want to be around you" "These two things are you are LAZY and SELFISH". I really wish I could understand why she decides to be so lazy and selfish in this relationship.

    Edit: Thing is from a previous arguement we had she thinks their is no chance of me breaking up with her because of her moving in date. This whole time before her moving in is really making me think. If she is really slowing down and becoming this lazy and selfish now. I can't imagine what it would be like in the future.

    One night when we were talking on the phone she gave me a very very small glimps of the truth in this relationship and that she knows it. That it is just human nature for people to take as much as they can get.

    I gave this girl my virginity 1 year and three months ago. I was 22 years old a virgin and I had never been in a relationship before. Looking back I would have done it differantly if I would have know that this was going to happen in such a short period of time. When I gave her my virginity I didn't have any expectations, except one. That I would probably be living a healthy sexual lifestyle for years to come with her.
    Hi, Orion I see your problem being twofold here. First....this is your first sexual relationship, a big milestone in your life and something that you WILL remember for the rest of your life. You waited for somebody special to be your first and somehow now that things are not working out you are feeling that you MUST ride it out because you have invested just about EVERYTHING into this relationship, including something that you held back on giving to anybody else. Second....you get what you see....you see a girl who is lazy in the sense of being able to give and even admits to doing this. She IS selfish in the sense of taking and taking and not being able to do the same. You say, "I desperatly wish I was the one with the problem. If it was my problem than I would fix it., "....the thing is....it is NOT your problem and you CANNOT fix it!!!!

    Too many people in relationships think that they can change another person and waste soooooo much time trying to do so. The thing is....the only person that you are able to change is yourself, as you so wisely pointed out!!!

    Orion.....you gave a part of your self to this girl that you never gave to another....an emotional investment on your part. She makes you feel bad, puts you down and is chiseling away at your inner core, the part of you that makes up your self worth. She is not protecting your investment.....she is taking it all for granted and it is depreciating. No one would just throw away something and invest it into something that isn't going to appreciate it or increase it's worth!!! If you took all your savings and saw after you had invested it into a fund that it was suddenly taking a plummet, what would you do???? You would find another fund to invest it in....one that would appreciate and increase it's value 100 fold and make you a "wealthy" man....right???

    Walk away from this girl....and take your self worth with you. There is somebody else who will appreciate you and make you feel whole again. Why take only 50% when you can have 100%!!!!

    ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-27-2005 at 05:43 AM.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 12:13 PM   #12
    Silver Lining
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    hi orion...hopefully this might give you some insight to your situation. when i was at this age and looking back on my sexual experiences with men in relationships...the times i was selfish and didn’t give back was with a man that i didn't love and care about. I was young, and inexperienced sexually and it didn't take until I was in more relationships to get to the point I am now (in my 30's) to realize and appreciate sex with someone I love. She may not be lazy as much as not care and love you like you do her. I know that's harsh to hear but the way you describe her she sounds a lot like I was in my early twenties….selfish and immature who has not developed the capability to love and care for someone. Sometimes people do not learn this unless they lose someone. Sometimes they never learn it. You however, have learned this and are so far advanced in knowing how to give in a relationship than she is. You deserve that in return. You cannot make her give that to you and by staying with her you are enabling her and yourself to ever have a happy relationship. You need to move on. You need to leave her and start dating other woman. You're so young to put all your eggs into this basket. This basket is NOT stable or a safe place to remain. It’s not nurturing you. YOU have so much to give to someone and you're going to be soooo extremely happy with someone else that can give you even half of what your current girlfriend gives you. Once you get into a relationship that is nurturing you are going to look back and say WHY THE HELL did I waste SO many days/years with this person?????? SOOO many people live with this type of regret. You need to tell your girlfriend that you need some space and some time apart. You need to tell her that you want to start dating other people that she is not fulfilling your needs sexually and you cannot commit to a person that is selfish. Unless you are addicted to this drama and are staying for some weird co-dependency reason then you really need to start developing a plan to leave her? Get out! Everyone on these boards are giving you the “same” advise and everyone is saying YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 12:22 PM   #13
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    I had an unhealthy disrupting dream last night. I called her this morning at 8:00am. As I knew she was upset. As I also could have bet anything on she is undre the mindframe that it is all just about sex. I tried to tell her it is not. I told her that sex is a good mirror for this relationship. You are lazy and selfish.

    After that it really didn't get anywhere. Other than I did state that I am 24 years old. I am too young to be living this type of sexual lifestyle when I just lost my virginity to her a year and a few months ago. She also stated that it does not have to do with her moving in.

    She basically didn't want to talk about it and was still upset. Big suprise there (sarcastic). I would have liked to tell her that if she thinks this is just about sex than she is the increadiblly shallow one. It is about ....

    a.) I have asked here what is going on for the past month. She has told me nothing. I have wondered if she is sexually interested in someone else. If she has second thoughts on moving in. If she has second thoughts on the relationship.

    b.) Honesty, today she admited to something being wrong but hasn't wanted to talk about it. That is dishonest and unfair to me because I could senese it all along

    c.) Trust and Secuirty, when I think something is wrong and she tells me their isn't something wrong how am I going to believe her.

    d.) Her ignoring things for weeks until they blow up in her face. Her first mechanism is always to ingnore it at all costs. She did that and she eneded up with a big plate of untactful upfront honesty about our sexual relationship. I have been hinting around for a long time.

    e.) A person should not make changes like this in a relationship with out giving the person some sort of reason. Suddenly having close to zero sexual interest towards someone is a HUGE change.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 04:45 AM   #14
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    It has been three days now since we have seen each other and we have barely talked on the phone. All of the talking is from my calling. It was blanetly truthfull what I said about our sex life that night. I had been saying it nicely for ages but she doesn't respond to nicely. I doni't see her as having grounds for being so upset. I don't really see how she could have thought she was mrs.wonderfull in bed. She is blind to alot of things but it would be suprising to see she was blind about this. In bed I would say I do about 80% to 90% of the work and energy.

    It is 4:30am in the morning and I can't sleep. I really can't stop asking myself why I want to be with someone so selfish and lazy. It is like she aims to do the absoulte miniumn she can in this relationship. I think to myself the miniumn is not love. I keep thinking it is never going to change. If 16 months into the relationship it hasn't changed I should believe it never will. I have tried to show her by example. I have tried to show her what it means to comunicate but she has fought me on it every iinch of the way. I have tried to show her what it is like to put everything into a relationship and she has just taken vaction and enjoyed it. I don't think their could be a more selfish or lazy person. Other than of course someone with a drug addiction problem pt other things like that.

    I think if either one of us could just end this relationship with the metaphorical push of a button it would have been over long ago.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 04:55 AM   #15
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Last night I snapped

    Orion ~ I am soooo sorry that you are going through such pain. It is quite obvious that you are a giving person who deserves somebody who is equally equipped to give in a relationship. why take 50% when you are deserving of 100%???

    I think it's time to face the music....that this relationship is everything you DO NOT want. True, you have invested lots into it, but if this is the way things are BEFORE you move in together, imagine how they would be after you moved in together.

    I think you should focus your time on YOU....you've been knocked down, it's time to pick yourself back up, dust off your butt, and walk away with some dignity while you still have some.

    Yes....somebody should call this all off....and it should be YOU. Call her up and tell her it's over and that you have decided to move on and find someone that you are deserving of. And Orion, DON'T look back

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-28-2005 at 01:09 PM.

     
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