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  • She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

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    Old 09-30-2005, 08:53 AM   #31
    susieq0726
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Music4All
    Yes, it is a piece of paper. But then, who needs money as it too is just a piece of paper. Who needs contracts with service providers, as those are just pieces of paper?

    Even if you take the emotional aspect of what the paper represents out of it, one cannot diminish the significant importance and value that the piece of paper provides in legal protection and remedy. The piece of paper in a marriage protects and covers considerations of children as well.

    It is really not just a piece of paper, however much that idea fits one's particular philosophy.

    Right on Music4all. Sorry - I believe in the piece of paper and ALL it represents - Legally & emotionally.

    Guy,

    Where are you???? I was wondering how things were going at home.

     
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    Old 09-30-2005, 08:55 AM   #32
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    The first 10 days I don't see him and rarely hear from him as he is with a large group of his friends, they are camping and hunting.
    Don't you call him on his cell phone and ask him if there are any cute girls where he is?

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 08:59 AM   #33
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    2) I just don't understand why in the world you moved in with her when you view her as so pathetic and only waiting for you to come home?? Was she always like that or did she have her own interests and some friends before moving in?
    I think she has gotten worse since moving in. Also, since I see her every day now, I have to deal with it every day, instead of 4 or 5 times a week. I thought moving in together would help her with this, knowing that I will be coming home to her every night. Knowing that even if I am just downstairs working on the computer, I am not far away. Instead, she gets upset if I go and work on the computer.

    Quote:
    Gosh, I really think living together is not the way to go and it can ruin an otherwise good relationship, but then again, every situation is different.
    Wouldn't it be better to find out these things about her now, then after we get married?

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 09:03 AM   #34
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    The other wives I spoke of are PATHETIC because they never allow the men to go hunting in the first place, due to their insecurities! My hubby doesn't call much because he is out of cel range, but I don't need him to call to know he loves me. Why? Because I am a secure woman. I didn't have to pout and throw a fit for him to marry me.

    Guy, I was simply pointing out that some of us have healthy lifestyles.
    There's no way in hell my girlfriend would let me go away for 6 weeks without her. She probably wouldn't even allow one week. We'd have to break up.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 09:04 AM   #35
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    The other wives I spoke of are PATHETIC because they never allow the men to go hunting in the first place, due to their insecurities! My hubby doesn't call much because he is out of cel range, but I don't need him to call to know he loves me. Why? Because I am a secure woman. I didn't have to pout and throw a fit for him to marry me.

    Guy, I was simply pointing out that some of us have healthy lifestyles.
    My parents are like this. Sometimes my dad goes on trips with the guys for a week without my mom. Sometimes she goes. From my perspective, they seem to be perfectly happy in this arrangement.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 09:06 AM   #36
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    Guy,

    Where are you???? I was wondering how things were going at home.
    Well, I had no arguments at home last night, so that was nice.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 09:53 AM   #37
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Music4All
    Yes, it is a piece of paper. But then, who needs money as it too is just a piece of paper. Who needs contracts with service providers, as those are just pieces of paper?
    Big difference. Money is a necessity for living. A marriage certificate is not. A couple can live together unmarried and still be in love and happy the way things are.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Music4All
    Even if you take the emotional aspect of what the paper represents out of it, one cannot diminish the significant importance and value that the piece of paper provides in legal protection and remedy. The piece of paper in a marriage protects and covers considerations of children as well.
    Living Common Law has the same legal protection and remedy. Many couples don't have children and will never have children. Also, there is always divorce, so it really doesn't have much importance and value at times, does it?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Music4All
    It is really not just a piece of paper, however much that idea fits one's particular philosophy.
    In many ways it is just that, a piece of paper. Many marriages fail and end in divorce. More and more women are backing away from marriage now a days. It's usually the very young women that still want the marriage and the certificate that comes with it. Many women just don't need it to live in a happy relationship.

    I've been in a common law relationship for 3 years and it's great. I have everything a married woman has and my own name as well. But I can also legally change my name to his if I want to.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:05 AM   #38
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Guy133
    There's no way in hell my girlfriend would let me go away for 6 weeks without her. She probably wouldn't even allow one week. We'd have to break up.
    My man went away for two weeks to Holland and I was home alone. I was just happy he had the chance to make the trip and it gave me some quiet alone time. He called me twice to let me know how things were going, which I didn't even expect him to do. But it was nice of him to do.

    I think it's a good idea to do the living together thing for a while. This way you can both see if this is truly the person you would want to be married to. I've seen so many marriages fall apart because the couples weren't really compatible enough to hold them together.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:15 AM   #39
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Hi Sophia, I agree that there's nothing wrong with wanting your husband to check in if he goes on vacation, but it sounds like Shelly was saying those wives didn't let their husbands go on trips without them at all. That really is pathetic in my opinion, as are all people who don't have any life outside their relationships and are so clingy and insecure they refuse to allow their partners to do anything without them. The only reason I can see why a wife wouldn't let her husband go away with her friends is because she has nothing going on in her own life, and it sounds like Guy's GF is well on her way to becoming this kind of wife. I agree with the other posters who said you should probably end this relationship, as it doesn't sound like you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and I don't blame you whatsoever.

    Someone with no life other than you, with nothing better to do than sit around and wait for you to come home, who is so insecure that she can't stand to be away from you, who won't let you go away without her and gets upset when you want to be in a different part of the house, is someone who is way too clingy and needy to make you happy in the long run. Revolving your entire life around your relationship and having no interests, friends, hobbies, etc. of your own will inevitably make for either a miserable relationship or eventually destroy it. I lived with my ex and in retrospect, I made a mistake by not maintaining a more independent life and having more going on outside of him and what we did together. But if your GF is getting more and more insecure and demanding of your time and attention, she's only going to get worse over time.

    It'd be nice to think you could change her by talking to her and explaining how her clinginess turns you off and makes you unsure about whether you want to be with her permanently, but I don't think it would work. You can't just talk someone into having a fulfilling, independent life of her own if she's not inclined to be content and keep busy on her own. It sounds like she just doesn't have much of a life and is therefore way too dependent on you to provide her with one, and I think you should run far away from a woman like that (or any woman who would want to marry a man who wasn't completely ready and sure about committing to her). Imagine how boring the rest of your life would be if you married this woman and all she had going on her life was you. A relationship just can't be healthy and satisfying for both partners unless they each have their own independent interests and activities to keep them occupied, give them a variety of topics to talk about, and make sure they don't become too clingy and dependent on each other. Your GF sounds like she can't be happy when you're apart, like she revolves her whole world around you...since she gets upset whenever you're not paying attention to her, it also sounds like she depends completely on you to make her happy, and marriage is just another thing she expects from you in order to make her happy. But in order for YOU to be happy, you need to find a partner who is happy and content on her own, for whom you add to and enrich her life rather than become her entire life and completely responsible for her happiness.

    Your instincts are preventing you from wanting to marry your current GF for a reason: you intuitively sense that a needy and dependent woman will make a smothering and boring wife, which is exactly the opposite of what would make you (and just about every other man or woman) happy in a marriage or long term relationship. Remember, people don't change as they settle down and as they grow older and more comfortable in their relationship; instead, they become more like they already are. People who depend on others in order to be happy are never very interesting or independent people, and they tend to be impossible to keep happy in the long run as they keep demanding more and more from their partners in order to fill the deep voids in their lives. In my opinion, you won't be content in the long run with this woman, she'll only keep sucking more and more life out of you because she doesn't have a life of her own. Please don't be lured into marrying someone who you know isn't the kind of woman who will provide you with a continually, fulfilling, interesting, and evolving relationship in the long run. If she was the right woman for you, you'd already be sure you couldn't live without her, and you'd be certain that you wanted to marry her...listen to your instincts and remember that while you can probably still marry her if you change your mind, it's a lot harder to get divorced if you later realize she's not the right woman for you.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:23 AM   #40
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by soulster
    Why are you not sure when you would want to get married? ?? I could understand a guy that was maybe in his early 20's saying that, but you are fast approaching mid 30's and still not sure when you would want to get married? Are you a possible commitmentphobe/ confused guy? or are you still in the process of getting your life together, carreer/finance wise? It seems your gf has a valid point... she is in her mid 30's and most people by then are married and you two have been together for 2 years already... What your gf is asking from you is not something that should be considered inappropriate/ desperate/ stalker- like... it is a process that has for her culminated in wanting to go to the next step and nothing more... get over yourself I say... sorry if that sounds harsh but I really dislike it when guys get full of themselves in these situations...
    What about his feelings? Why shouldn't his girlfriend 'get over herself' and stop pressuring him into a marriage that may end in divorce because he wasn't sure about it in the first place? This is one of the issues when it comes to marriage that makes me say NO to marriage period.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:28 AM   #41
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    Guy, I am married to a independent man and I am the same. We have our loving relationship, but we have our healthy seperate hobbies too. He is an advid hunter and every year he is not around for 6ish weeks. The first 10 days I don't see him and rarely hear from him as he is with a large group of his friends, they are camping and hunting. He then hunts with our boys from home during the next few and is gone agin the last 10 days with his buddies. But he has more then a few friends who are NOT ALLOWED to do this, due to controlling women, and I find their wives pathetic!!!

    I myself go out with friends on occasion. I scrapbook regularly, shop with my friends, and am really social. I walk every night with a group and our dogs. It would drive me insane to sit home and wait for him or sit home and stare at him constantly!

    This is not about you needing to "get over yourself" or being a "commitmentphobe" it's about whether you have the right partner or not. You sound pretty levelheaded and I'm thinking that if she were to have more interests outside of the home, you would be putting that ring on her finger.

    Insecurity sure has a way of ruining relationships. I think Susie is right.
    I totally agree with you.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:33 AM   #42
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    All I can say is that marrying this girl will only make her think she has the "right" to tell Guy133 what he can and cannot do, and where to can and cannot go. Yuck.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:38 AM   #43
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    All I can say is that marrying this girl will only make her think she has the "right" to tell Guy133 what he can and cannot do, and where to can and cannot go. Yuck.
    Exactly, I totally agree

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:43 AM   #44
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Well, it just seems to me like they're probably just not right for each other, that's all. Guy needs a woman who is a bit more unpredictable, independent, perhaps a little 'wild,' and who doesn't care about getting married. His gf needs a traditional guy who would like a "domestic" type of woman. I don't think she's such a horrible and pathetic person as everyone seems to think. Ok, so she's too clingy, but there are women out there who cheat, have affairs, get drunk, go to clubs to party wild and leave their guy at home, etc. and if they "deserve" to have boyfriends and husbands, then so does this woman. She just needs a different kind of guy. I personally am not the 'domesticated' type, but I have a friend who is: she loves to stay home, cook dinner for her husband, and decorate the house. What's wrong with that? THese kind of women are born to be mothers and wives and are not truly fulfilled otherwise. In the past that would have been a desirable characteristic in a woman, but not so anymore.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:45 AM   #45
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Another example of what it's like for me. (This is the first long term relationship I've ever been in, so sometimes I just wonder if I don't really understand what it's like to be in one.)

    Last week I had a chance to go to dinner with 4 other guys. The dinner was a meeting about a hobby of mine that could possibly turn into a small business opportunity. But mostly the meeting was for fun, to meet 3 men I had never met before. She was OK with the dinner. I thought I might be home by about 9:30. The dinner ran long, and she freaked. I came out to my car at about 10:45. There were 7 missed calls on my phone (in the span of about 45 minutes). 3 messages. She was crying in 2 of the messages. (It didn't help that she called the restaurant to see if I was in there, and the bartender said I wasn't there - I really was there, but not in the bar.) When I finally talked to her, she was upset and asking if I was talking to cute girls.

     
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