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  • I'm very sad and it hurts a lot...i need your advices.

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    Old 10-09-2005, 02:55 PM   #1
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    I'm very sad and it hurts a lot...i need your advices.

    I just broke up with my boyfriend who's living abroad...Actually,the story is that we met here (Asia) last year at work and started to like each other as in everyday we were always together at work or during our private times.We were very sweet and everything always seemed to be perfect but of course we would have petty quarrels .Our relationship was really a serious thing eventhough he's only 21 and me 29,I'm an Asian and him a white guy.We didn't care about our age gaps and other issues or conflicts.And then it was time for him to go home to his country last February of this year coz his visa was finished already.We can't do anything about it but he promised that he would come to visit me...then,almost everyday we would talk to each other through internet chatting and calling each other through phone.It's like we were still together coz most of our free times were spent talking on the phone and chatting online.He also started working so he could save money to see me and to send me gifts or packages occasionally.

    And then after 7 months of waiting he came to visit me then we went some place for our long lost times.He stayed up to 18 days and he really doesnt want to go home but of course he cant stay coz hes living there and he has a job waiting for him...Before that,when I picked him at the airport we felt a lil bit weird coz it was 7 months not seeing each other but after that its like back to our old times.we were happy and enjoyed our vacations.But of course we would still fight coz nobodys compatible i think and its like that when u are in a rel. Our fights is not that so big deal for me i guess.

    Anyway,he went back home and this is the time that i felt he changed.Although he called me when he arrived at his house but after that he got so busy at work coz he said his driving schedule changed to earlier time and hes so tired that he has to go to sleep earlier or else he wont make it or he wont be able to get up in the morning.And hes stressed at his job lately coz he has to get a Class 3 for his truck driving so he would receive a better salary coz his salary is only like 9dollars something per hour and he wants to pass the Class 3 for 13 dollars salary.I was thinking hes so hardworking and I'm thinking hes doin it coz he wants to see me again and we were also looking for some cheap condominiums or flats for investment when he came here in my place.He talked to me about the flats when he returned back to his place that he was lookin at the houses through internet and that hes asking for his moms advice about it. Then his mom said that its a good investment and that at his age and at his salary he can already afford to get a loan for it.
    I was happy to hear that he sounds so interested but I felt he changed a lil bit coz he was always busy and we were not doin what we were doin b4 like talking everyday on the computer or calling each other since he went back.Hes always tired and he comes home late.The last time we talked he said he passed the Class 3 and he received a raise already.But I confronted him about the change of his attitude to me like he doesnt have the time to talk and he will just email me during late time that he went home late and hes tired and has to go to sleep coz hes early the next day.Hes always like this from the time he went back(Sept.22 until Oct.)I told him I want to break up with him coz I felt he changed and that its like this is what he wants me to do to break up with him.He said No and hes laughing and not taking me seriously coz I am always breaking up with him whenever I am angry with something.And then I said..well..just wait and see coz I am serious. And then after that I sent him an email telling him my thoughts and that i felt he changed coz we dont talk anymore and its like he doesnt care anymore with what Ive been doin lately or whats happening to me here.That Im sad for his different behaviour.I felt he changed coz b4 even if his busy he would still find time to talk to me but now its not like that anymore.
    So there,I said break up and he didnt say anything coz maybe he thought I wasnt serious.But after I sent my email he never made a response with my letter.I was waiting for his email or call coz i sent it Oct.4 and i still dont get anything.Unlike b4 ,itll only be like 2 days then he would call or send me email.So I called him tis morning and asked whats hisdoin and hows he lately?
    He answered that hes putting all his attention to his job and that he would sleep early .I told him that he seemed alright with us breaking up and he said everythings not that seemed to be ok.And then I said just be honest with your feelings to me then he said oh my god dont manipulate me with your smart talkings.He said hes happy that i called and that he appreciates it.He asked me what i do everyday..And after that I said I have to go hang up now and then he said I have to go to bed too.
    Oh and before that I asked him about why he didnt reply to my email or say any comments to what i said he said after reading it he doesnt know what to say to me coz maybe ill just get mad or itll just get worse.Then we finished talking.
    I was dissapointed coz I was waiting for him to win me back again or to forget our break up but he didnt say anything so I guess we split for real already.I told him that I love him in my email so he knows that but why is is that hes not talking about Us to be OK again.???
    Do you think he already wants to break up with me coz he realized something when he went back home?thats why he changed...I dont know whats on his mind and I love him and I miss talking to him.Do u think hes going to call me after some time?that hes going to win me back again?
    Please help me.I am always thinking of him and crying at times.I cant believe it that after long time of not seeing each other he came to see me and had a nice vacation then when he returned back home its over already.Eventhough I was the one who said lets just break up he can say he doesnt want it coz hes just busy and that he loves me and dont want break ups.I am waiting for those words.Hes a quiet type of guy and only 21 but hes not stupid. I dont know what he wants ..pls.pls. help me.Its not normal in our relationship that we dont talk for 3 days or for a week.It never happened b4 so its like this is really getting bad.

    I am very sorry for the long story and for my wrong grammars..

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    Old 10-09-2005, 06:43 PM   #2
    Join Date: Jan 2005
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    greeneyes100 HB User
    Re: I'm very sad and it hurts a lot...i need your advices.

    It's hard to see something we don't want to see. I believe your boyfriend is trying to let you down gently. Men hate to be the one to call it quits, so they usually do things to make us do the breaking up instead. That way they don't have to be the bad guy.

    I know you must be hurting terribly and I'm really sorry, but don't let yourself hang on to false hope. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is just leave him alone. Don't keep emailing him or phoning him. Save your pride! If he really does want to continue your relationship, he will get in touch with you again. However, you really should think hard and long about getting back together with him if he does want to. He's terribly young and probably not really ready to get serious with anyone right now.

    Try and stay really busy and pamper yourself right now. You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try.

    Just let go for now. You will eventually get over this man and meet someone who wants and needs the love you have to give. Take care.

    Old 10-09-2005, 08:21 PM   #3
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    Re: I'm very sad and it hurts a lot...i need your advices.

    thankyou very much Greeneyes for your reply.Although it was late coz I cant help it this morning and so I called him.I told him i really want to straight all of this already,i said i want to clear things out and find out why he suddenly changed.I asked him to be very honest and then he said after I broke up with him he was thinking that he still cant do marriage and have children.
    It was also one of our topic whenever we were together about him marrying me and havin a child coz i said Im not getting any younger and I want to be with him.He was thinking about it,listening to what I would say and seemed like planning about what to do.I know hes trying hard at his job to see me or to plan things for himself and for the future.
    It's like coz I broke up with him last week and we didnt talk for a lil period it came to his mind that maybe its better for us to really break up.I asked him if he was already thinking of breaking up with me when he came to visit me last month and he said No.Its only lately that I broke up with him and he realized that maybe its better this way coz hes not yet ready for marriage and child.So when I heard it I didnt know what to say. I know his young and I know Ive pressured him sometimes although I dont want to force him from marrying me.I understand it and it really hurts.He seemed cold to me already over the phone like he doesnt want to prolongued our talkings.I dont know but this is what I felt.I told him you seemed cold to me and he said you always say that to me so it doesnt count.I told him thankyou for all the good times and bad...And that I want him to be happy on everything.I also said that so ,iguess I am alone again then he said well its not only you just think of me too coz its the same here.I said you know how much I love you and he said i know..I was already crying and controlling it coz I dont want him to pity me.I said bye then he said bye.
    I met him when he was only 19 just a few months from his birthday..Hes young but he doesnt think and sometimes he doesnt act like 19 but of course you would still notice that hes still young.I asked him if he hates me and he said No.I also said sorry if I would talk bad at him or if I hurt him sometimes and he said you dont have to say sorry.
    I know that its over coz I could tell that hes decided too.I just want to know if he still loves me or hes already trying not to think about me coz hes not yet ready for what Iwant.I cant believe that after all the good times and special times that we had in our 1 year and 3 months and the most recent vacation we spent we will end to breaking up.
    I know he would easily forget me coz we are so far away with each other. I love him very much and I really misss him a lot.It This relatonship is his first serious relationship too.I cant stop thinking of Us before always together almost everyday.Its like we were 24 hours together b4 for 7 months then we had our vacation b4 he went back home then after that talking on the phone/internet chatting almost everyday too for 7 months while I am here and him to his country then he visited me here then when he went home its over so soon...Its very hard and so painful...
    What do I need to do to move on ??How can I forget him easily even if I dont want to?Its my first time to have a relationship with a white guy and to a young guy like him and its precious to me.He was my baby,my life,my bestfriend,my everything...
    Now I dont have anybody....I devoted my life to him too.I dont want to be with my friends when he was still living here coz I enjoy his company and I just love being with him.
    I am so depress and I dont know what to do.I still need your advices and encouragement and I want honesty.
    Thankyou for the help...

    Old 10-09-2005, 08:33 PM   #4
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    Re: I'm very sad and it hurts a lot...i need your advices.

    Hi Sexyeyes, I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I think your bf really cares for you and probably still loves you, but there are two significant obstacles in the way: 1)the distance and 2)his age. In a long distance relationship like that where people are in different countries, possibly different continents, for it to work out there has to be some consensus on the future. THere has to be some kind of a rough plan who will move where and when. Otherwise, it's just not very practical. People face different distractions, get preoccupied with their life locally, and, usually sooner or later, they meet someone who lives closer to them. That's just how things are, unless there are concrete plans for the future. Have you discussed anything like that with your boyfriend?

    Unfortunately, Greeneyes has a point in that a 21-year-old man is very rarely ready for a long-term commitment. I'm sure he has genuine feelings for you, but he doesn't seem to be established in his job yet and he might just be too young at this point to be able to have you move over to his country and marry you in the near future. It is understandable that you would want more at 29 and are looking for a more substantial relationship. However, you don't want to live on false hopes, either. I think the best thing would be to openly bring up the issue with him. Tell him you never really wanted to break up but that you needed to know if there's any future for the two of you, realistically speaking and if it's plausible either for you to move to where he is or for him to move to your country within a specific time frame, let's say within a year. If not, there's really no point to prolong the suffering and continue the long distance relationship. It will hurt temporarily, but eventually you will be able to come to terms with it and look for someone closer to you. If he says it is realistic for you to be together and outlines a specific plan, then you can see if it makes sense and if you're willing to take a risk and wait. The first step is to have everything out in the open and discuss things honestly with your boyfriend. I hope this helps a little. Hang in there and don't lose hope that things will work themselves out for the best!

    Old 10-10-2005, 01:19 PM   #5
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    Re: I'm very sad and it hurts a lot...i need your advices.

    I don't know if its good to call him again coz Ive been losing my pride already.From the time that we broke up I sent two emails and he never answered about why I decided to let go of our relationship and why he has no guts to explain his side,about why hes attitude towards me changed.I was waiting for his reply and I didnt received anything so I called him to know if everythings fine wtih him,like for Us to be breaking up and he said well...its your decision and you are always the one who decides.Its like he has no effort.I was just waiting for him to explain his side why he changed but he said he doesnt know what to say with my letter coz maybe itll just get worse or id get mad. So i feel,its alright with him for us to split,he can forget his pride and just say " I dont want break ups like the way he would say b4 when I would confront him about it.But now,after not talking to each other for nearly 1 week I asked him why he wont say any of his side he replied that He s thinking that hes not yet ready for marriage and children kinda stuff..And then I said why all of sudden youd say those words???And he said,I was thinking that i can already make it but I guess i still cant (not this exact words though)...I already got the message and it really broke my heart.

    I wasnt expecting breaking up with him this soon coz we just finished seeing each other and stayed together for 18days during our vacation. Although in the back of my mind I always ask myself if we would survive our rel. coz we are too far away w/each other.I know hes not yet financially stable and I guess hes still confused in some things coz of his age.
    Before we were like planning but not that seriously talking about it that he'll marry me and Ill be the one to go to his country coz he wont be able to get a job here.But he has problems on where we would live coz hes still living with his parents and he cant afford it yet with his job right now.He just started last April this year and hes salary is only 13 dollars per hour.He told me b4 that he doesnt want to destroy my life coz he might not able to afford things and he might not give me a happy life coz we will be living poor,that maybe he cannot support my needs.And that we wouldnt be able to afford a child until maybe when he turn mid 20s or late 20s coz maybe by then hes salary is already big.Hes also worried that I wont be able to get a job in his country coz they have a rule in his country that once you married a foreigner he/she wont be able to work for 2 yrs. until he/she is already legal citizen to that country.And hes worried that I wont be able to get work and I wont be able to support my family in my country coz I am also the bread winner.Its really very complicated.

    I wasnt really pressuring him or pushing him to marry me so soon but maybe he realized a lot of things and maybe hes love for me is not that strong anymore.Bcoz if he loves me very much he would call me after our break up or even send emails about how sad he is or he doesnt want to say goodbye to me something like that.
    I wa thinking even we are not yet married we could still continue what we were doin like talking on the phone,chatting online and then if we saved money already from working we could meet again like what we did b4.But I guess,he realized a lot of things.
    I think I want to stop thinking of him coz I want to move on as soon as I can coz if not i have the tendency to call or email him again and again and he would get annoy already coz i think he really want to end it,though I was the one who said it and challenge him with breaking up.
    I dont know what to do on how to forget him,on how to stop thinking about him.I still think do I have to email him friendly when occasions would arrive like HAppy thanksgiving,Happy Halloween and Merry Xmas????Do u think he would still like it,me calling or sending him emails.I asked if he hates me and he said NO but why do I feel like I dont mean anything to him anymore.
    I really miss my baby...Help me what to do...

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