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  • What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

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    Old 10-11-2005, 05:28 AM   #31
    goody2shuz
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    I wholeheartedly agree. Would causing a scene or making snide remarks make Nini feel any better? I doubt it. And it wouldn't look too good to the ex either. It would present her as a bitter woman who still holds a grudge. That's not a position of power or dignity by any means. However, I would still respond to a greeting by returning the greeting. Then I would move on and mingle with other people.
    While I would normally agree in other situations, when it comes to one in which there was abuse, which I know Nini experienced in her relationship with her ex, there is almost a necessity to let the abuser know that you are no longer his victim....in that split second of telling him what you never were able to you reclaim all that he ever took from you when he abused you. It doesn't need to be done in a way in which a scene is made....just in a way in which the victim can look her abuser in the eye and let him know that it was not okay to do what he did to her. That doesn't make her look bitter but strong and finally free of his abuse. And it shouldn't be said in front of a huge crowd....just for him to hear and for her to have said.

    I am surprised that my cybertwin does not share in this thinking But I love her just the same ~ Goody

     
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    Old 10-11-2005, 06:54 AM   #32
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Forgive me for jumping in late here!
    Hiya... This is an opportunity being presented to you to put the pain from this relationship in the past and move on for good. You're going to come face to face with someone who has hurt you so badly and for whom you've carried around resentment and anger for so long. I certainly agree that under many circumstances, it would be best to show indifference and just not speak to him... but in your case I do agree with Goody. This is not about him. It's about YOU. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you, whether he gets jealous or starts wishing he had done things differently. It may superficially feel like that's the reaction you want from him. But in fact, what you NEED is to do this for yourself. It matters that you make peace with yourself, with him, and with the painful past you two shared. You don't have to make a scene to accomplish this. In fact, most certainly don't make a scene! But rather, use your line that you came up with. If that sums up your feelings, use it. Or add to it if you need to. But mentally make your peace with the situation before you walk in there. Then put it into words and make him understand it. After you've said what you needed to say, then display indifference.
    Crash dieting isn't going to win you this war. I completely understand you wanting to look your best, but once again you have to remember that this is not about HIM. While it would be wonderful to make him jealous and make him want you, be sure you've mastered the real point of the encounter. THEN go ahead and let him swoon over you!

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 08:32 AM   #33
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    While I would normally agree in other situations, when it comes to one in which there was abuse, which I know Nini experienced in her relationship with her ex, there is almost a necessity to let the abuser know that you are no longer his victim....in that split second of telling him what you never were able to you reclaim all that he ever took from you when he abused you. It doesn't need to be done in a way in which a scene is made....just in a way in which the victim can look her abuser in the eye and let him know that it was not okay to do what he did to her. That doesn't make her look bitter but strong and finally free of his abuse. And it shouldn't be said in front of a huge crowd....just for him to hear and for her to have said.

    I am surprised that my cybertwin does not share in this thinking But I love her just the same ~ Goody
    Thanks guys. No, I certainly don't want to create any kind of scene at all, I would only embarrass myself. This is a time for grace and dignity, all that I can muster. But at the same time, I also know I'll never have peace or balance in my head or heart if I never get to let him know somehow that it wasn't ok for him to snap at me when I was only trying to be nice, to call me names, to lay down such strict rules and regulations for me to follow that he never honestly cared about, he just used them to manipulate me in and then out of his bed, and everything else. He was so cold when he left me, so sure and indifferent, like loving me would ruin his life. That still haunts me, like maybe I was such a horrible person that he was justified in just wanting to get away from me. It just affected how I see and feel about myself so much. I don't know. It's so frustrating. I've been rejected in pretty much every way a person can be, but nothing altered my consciousness like this one relationship did. I hope I can work it all out soon. I also should talk to the FFWB beforehand and tell him to please let it unfold as it will. He means well but he can be incredibly meddlesome, and he is so pushy about what he thinks needs to happen. I think if I try to say anything other than "oh, hi ex, good to see you, hello, TTE, nice to meet you" he will cut me off. He's all about not dealing with the past at all, forgetting all about it and only looking to the future, because that's what his church teaches. He doesn't understand the concept of closure. Plus, he's been in court, He punched out the windshield of this girl he was seeing because she was kissing another guy and she filed a restraining order against him and he accidentally turned up at the same place she was and the courts don't care about closure or the past, so he thinks it shouldn't be dealt with in any way, in any venue. I just hope for once he can keep his thoughts to himself for just a minute.

    Last edited by Hiya; 10-11-2005 at 08:44 AM.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 09:48 AM   #34
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    By all means go. If she gets in your face maybe you can all do the Baby Elephant walk!

    Last edited by susieq0726; 10-11-2005 at 09:49 AM.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 09:58 AM   #35
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Hiya, I want to give my opinion here and I hope you know I do so respectfully.

    Other people at this party might not know what is going on, so if they hear this exchange that you came up with or that has been suggested, then they may look down at you. If it were me, and I have had plenty of practice having to be at social events with an ex and his new GF, I just put on my party grin and have a good time. I even had friends try to stir the pot, but I always just said "oh they are having fun and so am I, that's what we all are here for." The GF would be shooting me deathrays and I would be smiling away. I always came off looking more mature and feeling better about myself. My ex even stomped across the room once and loudly told me to leave, everyone around suggested THEY do so instead.

    So, I suggest the more adult you conduct yourself, the better you will look and feel. If he does choose to say hi and maybe even wave the Elephant Girl in your face, then just say Hello back and gracefully move to a different part of the house/room.

    By just giving a simple hello or nod you are showing him and all who might be looking on that he holds nor has not held any signifigance in your life any longer. If you give him that longer reply, then you are showing him he has been holding on to you for all these years.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 10:24 AM   #36
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    Hiya, I want to give my opinion here and I hope you know I do so respectfully.

    Other people at this party might not know what is going on, so if they hear this exchange that you came up with or that has been suggested, then they may look down at you. If it were me, and I have had plenty of practice having to be at social events with an ex and his new GF, I just put on my party grin and have a good time. I even had friends try to stir the pot, but I always just said "oh they are having fun and so am I, that's what we all are here for." The GF would be shooting me deathrays and I would be smiling away. I always came off looking more mature and feeling better about myself. My ex even stomped across the room once and loudly told me to leave, everyone around suggested THEY do so instead.

    So, I suggest the more adult you conduct yourself, the better you will look and feel. If he does choose to say hi and maybe even wave the Elephant Girl in your face, then just say Hello back and gracefully move to a different part of the house/room.

    By just giving a simple hello or nod you are showing him and all who might be looking on that he holds nor has not held any signifigance in your life any longer. If you give him that longer reply, then you are showing him he has been holding on to you for all these years.

    That's just the thing. He HAS been holding onto me for all these years, or rather, what he did to me. I've thought about just nodding and going on my way, and the FFWB always tells be about "how it looks." But the simple truth is, when you hurt this bad, you don't really care about how it looks other people. My goal is not only to have a good time, to celebrate my friend's birthday, but also to put the past behind me and find a way to get some closure, deal with all this, and move one. I just don't think a simple nod and going on my way will do it. This has been driving me crazy for 8 years. My first concern has to be to take care of myself, not worry about how mature and cool I look to other people.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 10:46 AM   #37
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Hi Nini,

    I'm a little worried about you...I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but have you thought about the possibility that seeing your ex again may have a negative impact on you? I'm concerned that you have ambitious hopes about seeing him and may be setting yourself up to be even more hurt and frustrated if it doesn't live up to your expectations, say if he doesn't show up or you don't get to actually talk with him or he totally blows you off in a dismissive and rude manner, which I wouldn't put past him. While I agree with the other advice you've received, I can't help but be a little worried that this has the potential to impact you in a way other than what you hope, given how fragile you still are about your ex. I know that the FFWB has let him know that you're still having a tough time letting go, but I'm concerned that he might blow you off, taking the view that your relationship is ancient history. It also sounds like you have a very vivid, painful memory of seeing him all snuggly with his smug elephant which was years ago if I recall correctly...have you considered the possibility that they might be affectionate and make you feel worse than ever about the situation? While I'd like to think I'm above acting this way, I've always made sure to be extra flirty and look extra sexy whenever there's a possibility of confronting one of my exes or one of my boyfriends' exes, even though there wasn't nearly as much emotion there as you feel toward your ex. I don't know, I definitely don't want to make you worry, but I am scared that you might end up either hurt even worse or very disappointed by the encounter, or the fact that you might not see him at all. Are you absolutely sure this is something that will have an overall positive effect on your life? Obviously you're the only one who can answer that, but I can't help but be worried for you and am desperately hoping things go well one way or another. I'd definitely suggest taking a date if you do go, but I'd also consider that going might not be in your best interest. It sounds like past encounters with him, even hearing about him or seeing his picture, have been pretty traumatic for you, and I'd hate to see that happen again. I know it's a tough situation, having had the choice myself whether or not to take advantage of an opportunity to meet a BF's ex and having been let down when she wasn't there and upset at being at the place where their relationship had started. So I don't know, I hope this isn't counter productive, but I do think it's important to prepare yourself for the possibility that the meeting might not be as satisfying as you hope and could end up inhibiting your quest to find closure...what do you think about that? The other thing I'd suggest is if you do go, I wouldn't give your ex the satisfaction of knowing that you're still hurt and bitter over him by confronting him about your feelings...personally, I think it'd be better for your pride to rise above it and politely ignore him, thus showing him and the elephant that you're no longer stuck on someone who doesn't deserve you. Just some thoughts...I do think that overall this presents an opportunity that might well be worth seizing, assuming that you've considered the potential downsides and concluded that the potential benefits of seeing your ex again outweigh them. I just can't help being worried about you and desperately wanting to save you any additional pain.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 11:01 AM   #38
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Thanks Stacy. I have htought about all the possible scenarios and how they may impact me. I don't think I really have any way of knowin gfor sure how it will affect me until I'm actually in the situation. It is very possible he'll be ther with his wife and be all smoochie lovey dovey and affectionate. I know that will hurt, but how much? I don't know. Is it worth it just to show up? I guess i'm still thinking this through. But I know that if I don't go, I could very well spend another 8 years frustrated and hurting, wishing I could say the things I want to say to him. I know for him it's ancient history, at least three or four lifetimes ago. From his point of view, he dated cute chippie for a while, but it got old, so he dumped her and went on to find a really great woman he could love for real and married her. I'm just one tiny little dot on his timeline, and to me, I feel like i was born when I met him, and I died when he left me, which sounds awful, I know. I saw Dr. Phil yesterday and he was saying what a crock that Jerry Maguire line is, "You complete me." Easy for him to say, with his beautiful wife of 20 some years by his side every minute. I don't know. I'm going back and forth a bit, but I feel like something has to change. If I'm ever going to stop crying myself to sleep every night and if this pain in my chest is ever going to go away, I've got to do something. I've already tried shrinks, pills, classes, church, everything else. Maybe this is what I need, maybe not, I don't know.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 12:02 PM   #39
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Yep, maybe the actual sight of him kissing on said elephant will help you get over him, you're right, you won't know until you get there. You can try on different scenarios and think up all kinds of retorts, but the thing is, since you have been so frustrated for 8 years, who knows what may happen once you walk thru that door.

    After rereading your posts, I see now that you do need to go and let things happen as they may.

    Good luck Hiya. I'll be sending you good thoughts!

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 10:08 PM   #40
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Yeah, I definatley think you should go! and let him know exactly what it is you want to tell him that you think willl lessen the hurt and gain that closure you need -but do it in a manner in which you present yourself as confident and in control, not vice versa... which I am sure you can pull off.... I dont know that not saying anything will be of any use in terms of not letting Hiya come across as a bitter women who has held onto her ex for all these years since her FFWB guy has already made it known to the ex that she hasn'tt been able to let him go for all these years I believe, so I think this is actually a good way of redeeming herself and unscrewing what the FFWB already screwed up- even if it was done with the best of intentions.

     
    Old 10-12-2005, 07:53 AM   #41
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Thanks Stacy. I have thought about all the possible scenarios and how they may impact me. I don't think I really have any way of knowing for sure how it will affect me until I'm actually in the situation. It is very possible he'll be there with his wife and be all smoochie lovey dovey and affectionate. I know that will hurt, but how much? I don't know. Is it worth it just to show up? I guess i'm still thinking this through. But I know that if I don't go, I could very well spend another 8 years frustrated and hurting, wishing I could say the things I want to say to him. I know for him it's ancient history, at least three or four lifetimes ago. From his point of view, he dated cute chippie for a while, but it got old, so he dumped her and went on to find a really great woman he could love for real and married her. I'm just one tiny little dot on his timeline, and to me, I feel like i was born when I met him, and I died when he left me, which sounds awful, I know. I saw Dr. Phil yesterday and he was saying what a crock that Jerry Maguire line is, "You complete me." Easy for him to say, with his beautiful wife of 20 some years by his side every minute. I don't know. I'm going back and forth a bit, but I feel like something has to change. If I'm ever going to stop crying myself to sleep every night and if this pain in my chest is ever going to go away, I've got to do something. I've already tried shrinks, pills, classes, church, everything else. Maybe this is what I need, maybe not, I don't know.
    Nini....I am amazed at the transformation I see in you over this past week...it only convinces me all the more that you DO need to do this and that you are ready to. I remember feeling the same way....in my mind I always imagined what I would do or say if I ever ran into my ex....I am sure those thoughts have monopolized your mind many a time as well. It was a fluke thing that happened in my case, it wasn't even planned, I ran right into him at the hospital I was working at.....I mean literally I banged into his chest. I don't know what it was...call it fate or a godsend, but there he was and I had a split second to do my thing!!! I looked at a poster advertising an inservice on domestic abuse that was taking place at the hospital that day. And I looked him in the eye and pointing to the poster said...."Oh....you must be here for the inservice on abuse. Glad to see that you're finally getting some help for that!!!" I gave him my biggest smile and a coworker who was with me and a great friend took me by the arm and said, "Goody, I think we have to get over there to have lunch with John & Paul"....she waved and two good looking docs waved back. (And we didn't even know them!!!) I cannot tell you how perfectly it all worked out and the release and freedom that I felt at that moment was all that I had hoped for and all that I had imagined doing or saying didn't even measure up!!! I was finally free

    Your ticket to freedom is near. I say do & say what comes naturally to you, Nini. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do or say just go with the moment and opportunity. I know whatever you do & say will be absolutely perfect. I am with you all the way....when your moment comes you just remember that there are a dozen angels surrounding you and all of your HB friends and do your thing. I know it'll be perfect and that you too will finally feel free. You say, "If I'm ever going to stop crying myself to sleep every night and if this pain in my chest is ever going to go away, I've got to do something." And you are absolutely right....I am proud of you, Nini, and I have a tear in my eye just thinking about how far you have come and how much strength and courage you have to know that this is your opportunity to turn your life around. Go for it!!

    And BTW, when is the party???

    Love & (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 10-12-2005, 08:04 AM   #42
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Nini....I am amazed at the transformation I see in you over this past week...it only convinces me all the more that you DO need to do this and that you are ready to. I remember feeling the same way....in my mind I always imagined what I would do or say if I ever ran into my ex....I am sure those thoughts have monopolized your mind many a time as well. It was a fluke thing that happened in my case, it wasn't even planned, I ran right into him at the hospital I was working at.....I mean literally I banged into his chest. I don't know what it was...call it fate or a godsend, but there he was and I had a split second to do my thing!!! I looked at a poster advertising an inservice on domestic abuse that was taking place at the hospital that day. And I looked him in the eye and pointing to the poster said...."Oh....you must be here for the inservice on abuse. Glad to see that you're finally getting some help for that!!!" I gave him my biggest smile and a coworker who was with me and a great friend took me by the arm and said, "Goody, I think we have to get over there to have lunch with John & Paul"....she waved and two good looking docs waved back. (And we didn't even know them!!!) I cannot tell you how perfectly it all worked out and the release and freedom that I felt at that moment was all that I had hoped for and all that I had imagined doing or saying didn't even measure up!!! I was finally free

    Your ticket to freedom is near. I say do & say what comes naturally to you, Nini. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do or say just go with the moment and opportunity. I know whatever you do & say will be absolutely perfect. I am with you all the way....when your moment comes you just remember that there are a dozen angels surrounding you and all of your HB friends and do your thing. I know it'll be perfect and that you too will finally feel free. You say, "If I'm ever going to stop crying myself to sleep every night and if this pain in my chest is ever going to go away, I've got to do something." And you are absolutely right....I am proud of you, Nini, and I have a tear in my eye just thinking about how far you have come and how much strength and courage you have to know that this is your opportunity to turn your life around. Go for it!!

    And BTW, when is the party???

    Love & (((HUGS))) ~ Goody
    Thank you Goody. I hope your faith in me isn't misguided. I think I can do it, sometimes I feel so strong and ready, but other moments I start to crumble and feel myself slipping back into that meek, "oww! oh, why is everyone so mean to me?? why won't anyone love me??" stupid schtick. But I know the bottom line is, I deserved better. I have no reason to hang my head or be ashamed, scared or embarrassed. Yes, I made my mistakes too, I was hypercritical, nagging, a bit of a control monger, very "Monica," but I never lied, or betrayed, belittled, or intentionally inflicted physical or emotional pain. I deserved better. I'm so glad you got the chance you got, even if you only had a second or two to gather yourself together and do it.

    The party's Saturday night, if it's still taking place. My friend was still in the planning stages last we talked, but he said he was shooting for Saturday. I've already lost two pounds, just by cutting out soda pop and desserts and riding that exercise bike every day, and I'm pretty sure I can lose at least another 2 or three before Saturday by eating sensibly and stepping up exercise. I'd love to instantly lose 30 pounds, but hey, wouldn't we all??!

    Well, if I am ready to deal with this, and I do get the chance to and it comes off, it'll be because of the support I've gotten from all you guys. Thanks heaps!

    Last edited by Hiya; 10-12-2005 at 08:07 AM.

     
    Old 10-12-2005, 01:41 PM   #43
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    But I'm willing to forge ahead and confront my ghosts. This weekend, if this thing comes off, I'm going to see my ex again and do my best to finally put it all behind me, and see if I can feel like myself, proud, strong, playing my guitar unafraid and singing clearly, loudly in great voice, in his presence, with his wife at his side, my knowing it's long over, but also knowing that his loving someone else and not me doesn't have to change who I am, and it doesn't have to mean I can't ever be anything good. You can do it, you MUST do it, too. Please don't wait 8 years. Trust me, that's a mighty long time to sit on your duff and wait around and cry and pine for some guy who didn't even know what he had when he had you in the first place.
    Nini......you ARE spectacular!!!! And I know that this weekend you will have a new life!!! I am soooooo proud of you and I'll be there with you all the way in heart, soul and spirit!!!!

    Love ~ Goody

     
    Old 10-12-2005, 04:53 PM   #44
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Nini......you ARE spectacular!!!! And I know that this weekend you will have a new life!!! I am soooooo proud of you and I'll be there with you all the way in heart, soul and spirit!!!!

    Love ~ Goody
    Oh, bless you Goody, you're so sweet! But don't get too excited just yet! I'm just taking it one baby step at a time. I mean, the truth is, the fact that the only man I ever loved, and if all my tomorrows are just like my today and yesterday, and I have no real reason to believe they won't be, the only man I'll ever love, thought so little of me, that he'd rather share raising another man's children than have his own with me, that he chose the things he chose, has forever altered the way I see myself, and the feeling of being so coldly and forever shut out of the only real acceptance and belonging and happiness I've ever known because of the beliefs and ideals that make me me, has changed and damaged me profoundly. I just don't know to what degree yet. I guess that's what I'll find out if I see him again this weekend.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 08:10 AM   #45
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    Re: What do you suggest - a little feeback, please

    Hiya, you got me thinking about some things I needed to say to someone in my not so distant past. Although I am married and the things I need to say are not bad, they are private. I feel I can't say them, as most would find it emotional cheating.

    Is the party still on for Saturday night?

     
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