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    Old 10-30-2005, 05:34 AM   #226
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    I have to agree with Evy. I saw the party as a chance to have Hiya shine - maybe meet some guy there with friends. Instead, it seems to have stirred up alot of the feelings of rejection and loss.
    And, to be honest we are assuming that her ex WOULD even apologize. He may feel he has nothing to apologize for. In guy terms, "It didn't work out".

    I carried two people in my heart for years and years until I finally met my husband. And they are still there - just definitely waaaaay back there!
    That is what I continue to hope and pray for here. That someday, having made the best out of a bad situation by coming here and helping other's like she does, Hiya will turn up with a thread titled:

    "I've Finally Met Him!!!"


     
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    Old 10-30-2005, 05:59 AM   #227
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    I don't know. An apology might make Nini feel better momentarily, but it wouldn't last long. I think the event would ultimately make her feel humilated, weak for contacting him and unable to believe anything he said anyway. I think her best move is to take 2 steps forward without taking 1 step back.
    I agree, an apology is essentially useless if it's not from the heart. I don't believe the ex feels like he has to apologize, and therefore insisting on an apology from him does not make sense. Even if he apologizes just to make peace, what is the value of an apology that has to be extracted out of someone by sheer persistance?

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 07:25 AM   #228
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    forget the apology. first of all, he's not going to do it. second of all, it doesn't matter if he does. right now it's just a crutch- you can remain in the same state that you're in by saying that you can't go on until you get an apology.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 10:15 AM   #229
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Poor choice of words? You need to realize what you have done with your life since he left you. Years later, You still hope to be around him for some type of closure.
    Nobody feels you should run and hide. Just don"t look for him anymore. You"ve become a little obcessed with him.
    Maybe he didn"t want to come to the party because he knows you haven"t moved on yet (eight years and him marrying later). As for his wife, He should respect her. Geez hon, "You want to go to a party for my old friend, the one who"s having a ffwb with my old girlfriend who hasn"t let go yet". No you say.
    Wonder why?

    Last edited by realguy; 10-30-2005 at 10:16 AM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 04:59 PM   #230
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by realguy
    Poor choice of words? You need to realize what you have done with your life since he left you. Years later, You still hope to be around him for some type of closure.
    Nobody feels you should run and hide. Just don"t look for him anymore. You"ve become a little obcessed with him.
    Maybe he didn"t want to come to the party because he knows you haven"t moved on yet (eight years and him marrying later). As for his wife, He should respect her. Geez hon, "You want to go to a party for my old friend, the one who"s having a ffwb with my old girlfriend who hasn"t let go yet". No you say.
    Wonder why?
    Yes, it was an incredibly poor choice of words.If you were really fully aware of this situation, you could see how just a portion of this is about an ex boyfriend. But I've already explained all that ad nauseum. If it wasn't interesting enough for you the first time, Im' not going to bother again. But I think any crisis worker worth their salt would tell you that it's not the brightest thing to do to tell someone who feels like I do that they should "go away." I'm not hoping to "be around him." I haven't even contacted him in any way, shape or form. I haven't tried to "extract" an apology from him. I only told the mutual friend once that I thought I deserved one, once again not for him breaking up with me. but for slamming the church kneeler down on my leg and other physically and verbally abusive behavior. I realize I cannot make him be sorry for treating me that way if he isn't. I don't know why anyone with a conscience wouldn't be sorry for treating a fellow human being that way, but whatever.

    As far as what i've done with my life, you need to realize I've also discussed here ad nauseum about my career change, music, and experiences with online and other forms of dating, and like I've already said I don't know how many times, it would have been great if one of the dozens of men I've met had worked out, which had nothing at all to do with the ex, but again, you obviously had better things to do.

    As far as going looking for him, I have done no such thing. If I had really wanted to hunt him down, I could have long before now. My first instinct when the mutual friend said he would be there was that there was no way I would go. I didn't want to face him. But then I realized it was childish, because it was all so long ago, and if the opportunity presented itself to get some closure, then so be it. It was also an opportunity to see other friends and acquaintances that have nothing to do with the ex. I don't see where that's so evil and wrong, but I'm sure you will enlighten me. You're also just assuming the mutual friend, whom you have also never met, but who I have know for ten years, told the ex about the few times we fooled around. That's a huge assumption, and an incorrect one to boot.

    Evy was right on the money, thanks Evy. It would have been nice, after all I've been through all my life, if just one person who hurt me was sorry that they hurt me. I wish I could see what other people see. I wish I knew what it was about me that makes people hate me before I've even opened my mouth, or why there's always someone in the crowd who feels threatened or thinks I'm wicked, bad, out to cause trouble or hurt someone. I'm sick of this being the story of my life, that's all. Mainly because, there's no point in moving on with anything as long as this is going to be the story of my life. It doesn't make sense to invite more people into my life if this is just going to happen again and again, like it did all through my childhood, with the band I played in, like the art student I worked with, etc etc. I felt that it looked for a minute I might be able to put a happy ending on one of these stories, but yet again, someone thought it would be bad to be around me, which still seems stupid to me, because I am no threat.

    Is slamming things into one's leg, or other body part, typical "guy" behavior? Is this what I should expect from men when they feel the relationship is going sour? Is hitting a woman with things what every guy does to tell her it's time for her to "go away?" If it is, then how come it's considered bad when it happens to other women, but it's just typical "relationship winding down" behavior when it happens to me? And if this is what I can expect from anyone I ever get close to, why should I move on or even try to make friends or meet anyone else? Anyway, this is all moot now. I haven't heard from the mutual friend in two weeks, and I haven't even felt moved to call him. It's pretty clear to me now that after 40 years, if I've never been in a situation where I'm welcomed and respected, and I can't turn any situation I'm in into one, I never will.

    Last edited by Hiya; 10-30-2005 at 05:49 PM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 06:11 PM   #231
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    You complain about a guy who left you eight years ago. Then you complain about how he treated you. Oh what a horrible life you have. What do you want from him? From men in general? At some point,you need to realize how you come across. Maybe the friend doesn"t know what to say to you anymore. When a poster says something you don"t agree with, You respond with the fact of the poster not even knowing you or the people you talk about. Well, That"s true for everyone on this board. Your own actions are the reason these potential relationships to end.
    It"s time to stop the negativity.

    Last edited by realguy; 10-30-2005 at 06:19 PM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 07:07 PM   #232
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by realguy
    You complain about a guy who left you eight years ago. Then you complain about how he treated you. Oh what a horrible life you have. What do you want from him? From men in general? At some point,you need to realize how you come across. Maybe the friend doesn"t know what to say to you anymore. When a poster says something you don"t agree with, You respond with the fact of the poster not even knowing you or the people you talk about. Well, That"s true for everyone on this board. Your own actions are the reason these potential relationships to end.
    It"s time to stop the negativity.
    I'd rather talk about what I want from you now as long as you want to be here. Go back to my last post and tell me what you think the answers to my specific questions are.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 07:19 PM   #233
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Nini, I don't think what your ex did is by any means a "typical guy behavior," and I'm sure you know it. The way he treated you was clearly very wrong, no doubt about that. The thing is, men who can behave in an abusive way like he did, are very unlikely to apologize to you and acknowledge what they did wrong. There are women on this board who were severely abused by former husbands or boyfriends, but I don't think many of them got an apology. Because these men don't want to blame themselves, they always blame 'the victim,' to make themselves feel better and not so guilty. It's not good for you to be stuck in this vicious cycle of wanting a closure or apology from someone who is incapable of it, and then feeling bad about yourself for the way he treated you. It was HIS problem and that's it. You did not cause it or deserve it. You have to free yourself of this man, Nini, because he is impacting your present life in a negative way. You have to tell yourself that YOU did NOT cause his cruel behavior and that you indeed deserve and WILL FIND a man who will treat you differently. Oh, and that you will not tolerate similar behavior from any man again. You need to regain your power, Nini. Little by little. By dissociating your own worth and whatever you believe you deserve out of life from that man and how he treated you when you were in a relationship with him. And, no, not all men are like him. Of course not.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 07:36 PM   #234
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Nini, I don't think what your ex did is by any means a "typical guy behavior," and I'm sure you know it. The way he treated you was clearly very wrong, no doubt about that. The thing is, men who can behave in an abusive way like he did, are very unlikely to apologize to you and acknowledge what they did wrong. There are women on this board who were severely abused by former husbands or boyfriends, but I don't think many of them got an apology. Because these men don't want to blame themselves, they always blame 'the victim,' to make themselves feel better and not so guilty. It's not good for you to be stuck in this vicious cycle of wanting a closure or apology from someone who is incapable of it, and then feeling bad about yourself for the way he treated you. It was HIS problem and that's it. You did not cause it or deserve it. You have to free yourself of this man, Nini, because he is impacting your present life in a negative way. You have to tell yourself that YOU did NOT cause his cruel behavior and that you indeed deserve and WILL FIND a man who will treat you differently. Oh, and that you will not tolerate similar behavior from any man again. You need to regain your power, Nini. Little by little. By dissociating your own worth and whatever you believe you deserve out of life from that man and how he treated you when you were in a relationship with him. And, no, not all men are like him. Of course not.

    Thanks Sophia, but I guess that's what makes this so confusing. He wasn't ragingly abusive, and not to everyone. And, in his last post, Realguy says it fact IS my fault that people treat me the way they do and leave, so I must have caused it to some degree, for some reason. The same way I caused the boys to beat me up when I was a kid, the same way I caused the other kids to tell me I was dirty and I stunk in preschool, even though I as clean as anyone else, and every other negative experience I've ever had, it was somehow my fault and my doing. It's exactly his point of view that makes it impossible for me to fully trust that I didn't bring it all on myself somehow. What I consider to be self respect and protecting myself or my point of view, he says is negativity and aggression and etc etc. I just don't know what to make out of this.

    What do I want out of men in general? I want them to not hit me with their fists, big, hard pieces of steel or anything else, no matter what I may have said that made them mad, especially when they misunderstood my intentions, I want them to not call me dirty names, I want them to not make fun of or criticize everything from my taste in tv shows to the way I wear my hair or drive, when I say something like "no thanks, I don't drink" and I say it in a nice, polite, positive way, I want them to respect that and not bulldoze over my feelings or opinions. I'm not complaining, I'm not trying to get everyone to feel sorry for my poor, miserable life. I am simply stating the fact that I have never known anything except men who have done these things. Now Realguy says I deserved all this. I don't know how that is helping, but I just don't know anymore.

    Last edited by Hiya; 10-30-2005 at 07:58 PM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 08:42 PM   #235
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Thanks Sophia, but I guess that's what makes this so confusing. He wasn't ragingly abusive, and not to everyone. And, in his last post, Realguy says it fact IS my fault that people treat me the way they do and leave, so I must have caused it to some degree, for some reason. The same way I caused the boys to beat me up when I was a kid, the same way I caused the other kids to tell me I was dirty and I stunk in preschool, even though I as clean as anyone else, and every other negative experience I've ever had, it was somehow my fault and my doing. It's exactly his point of view that makes it impossible for me to fully trust that I didn't bring it all on myself somehow. What I consider to be self respect and protecting myself or my point of view, he says is negativity and aggression and etc etc. I just don't know what to make out of this.

    What do I want out of men in general? I want them to not hit me with their fists, big, hard pieces of steel or anything else, no matter what I may have said that made them mad, especially when they misunderstood my intentions, I want them to not call me dirty names, I want them to not make fun of or criticize everything from my taste in tv shows to the way I wear my hair or drive, when I say something like "no thanks, I don't drink" and I say it in a nice, polite, positive way, I want them to respect that and not bulldoze over my feelings or opinions. I'm not complaining, I'm not trying to get everyone to feel sorry for my poor, miserable life. I am simply stating the fact that I have never known anything except men who have done these things. Now Realguy says I deserved all this. I don't know how that is helping, but I just don't know anymore.
    Okay Nini, you know I was beat up by 2 guys when I was young, ridiculed like crazy by guys in school and never asked out by a guy till I was 24- and that too by a guy who at the end of it all didnt want a relationship with me... am I a loser.... heck no!... so why do you think you are?????????? You have way too much negativity in you and I really dont know how we can help you to see the positives in your life and to be truly appreciative with what you have and not wallow in what you dont??? The experience you had with the guy at work who liked you seems like it has now become a negative experience for you simply because of one small episode in which he tried to persuade you to have a drink with him after you refused! Why is he now filed away in all the unfair things that have happened to me category because of this one small incident when he has shown you time and time again nothing but positive feedback and lavished you with compliments and flirtation??? I think you need to take a different approach to looking at life altogether or it really will consume you alive.

    Last edited by soulster; 10-30-2005 at 08:49 PM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 08:43 PM   #236
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Hi, my dear Nini...oh my dear friend, Realguy IS NOT saying that you deserve this....if any thing he is saying that enough is enough!!!! You cannot blame the entire world for the disrespect that you have gotten from other people, my friend!!! And Sophia is sooo right....you will never get an apology from somebody who isn't even capable of acknowledging their wrong. BUT...you CAN forgive them and move on. Forgiving releases you from needing an apology and makes you the better person. It enpowers you to move on. Forgive the past, Nini, and all the bad things that have happened and move forward from the negative thoughts that invade your mind day after day after day. They are corrupting your life, they are keeping you from your happiness. STOP IT.....enough is enough......40 years in the desert is long enough.....time to change, time to live, time to let it go!!!

    No more negative thoughts.....okay????

    You were so heavy on my mind this weekend.....and I would like you to do one more thing for me!!! I was thinking...you are in the music industry and listen to love songs about broken hearts and all that stuff day in and day out. It's time to change what you listen to. I tell my daughters that you are what you listen to and what you watch!!! If you listen to heartache you feel heartache.....when you listen to love songs and do not feel love you are angered and hurt. It is time to listen to what I would refer to as motivational songs...songs that talk about living and going after the good things in life, about rising above the heartache & pain and being strong and believing in yourself & in life and all the good things in the future. Like Kelly Clarkson's "Break Away" or another one I love, "I Hope You Dance", and the one that makes me think about you all the time..."She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. It's time to do the Goody Goody Gumdrops and listen to inspirational/motivational tunes. No sad songs, no negative songs....only uplifting and positive songs. Okay????

    I want you to know that nobody on this board means you any harm but Nini, it's the same vicious cycle over & over again, you know it. The same thoughts the same stories the same hurts that invade your mind. You will not get an apology....I didn't nor did I ever expect one from somebody that was incapable of giving one. All of the people who have said cruel things to you or have done cruel things to you are not worth the amount of time that you have given them in thought. As a matter of fact....they probably don't even remember doing or saying those things because they are still doing it to others. Be thankful that they are not a part of your life. The are negative & cruel.

    I must tell you something as somebody who has been in your shoes and has learned to move on. It took some time and work for me to over come my past....and still to this day it is sometimes difficult for me to take criticism even when done constructively. Even when somebodys kids and the comment was only said in jest....I sometimes find myself taking it much more personally than I should. I often have to keep myself in check remembering that the ones who really love us will kid around and say things to us that aren't meant to inflict pain but only to be constructive. And I see that you are yet to be able to do this. I remember when Len said something and you got so hurt.....and now with Realguy.....well he has a way about him here to not coddle a situation and to say things like he sees them not having too much empathy....that's his way. Not wrong.....just different. And sometimes we need different in order to shake us up. Nothing wrong with that

    Anyway.....you need to change Nini.....to change your thinking. As many have said here, you think so negative....you must stop that. It is working against you....think negative, live negative. You want positive then expose yourself to only positive. Do not allow the negative to penetrate your being....repell it!!! You have the power to do so. Start doing it!!!

    Come here and post only positive.....there is enough negative floating in the archives of HB by Nini....start filling it with positive.

    Please, Nini, it's time for a change. Try what I said for a while....listen to positive music, watch positive shows & movies. I made myself a CD of all poistive music and you wouldn't believe what a difference it makes on a negative day.

    Love & (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-30-2005 at 08:49 PM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 09:40 PM   #237
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Hi, my dear Nini...oh my dear friend, Realguy IS NOT saying that you deserve this....i
    "Your own actions are the reason these potential relationships to end."

    I guess I'm misinterpreting this. Not sure how, but I guess I am.

    Well, regarding the songs you suggested, I get to hear those as well, but don't really have a choice in what I have to listen to at work, so I guess I can just tune out the really sad ones. In fact, I've started just either really turning down the volume on the ones that really get me or just leaving the room if I can.

    Soulster, no, I haven't filed the work guy away as someone else who's "hurt me" or whatever. I just unfortunately can't really see him as a serious romantic prospect, but would still gladly hang out with him in a group setting. He's nice enough for that, and yes, for the most part he is very nice, and never said he wasn't, just in the context of what I'm looking for in a romantic, closely intimate relationship, I just don't want a man who glares at me when I don't want to do something he's trying force me to do. I don't get it, is that not ok?

    I totally understand calling it like one sees it, I do the same as well, and don't really coddle if I feel the situation calls for it. I don't, however say things like "oh, what a horrible life you have" to someone who's in pain, even if I can't fully understand where their pain is coming from or why. because that strikes me as snotty. If I misjudged this, then I've got real trouble in being able to trust my own judgment and perception in people's intent and tone. Now I'm more confused than ever about how to read people or who to trust or not trust, or when I should bite my tongue or when I should defend myself. I already have a reputation of being pretty mousy, people are always telling me I have to learn to stand up for myself more and learn how to say "no" and how to defend myself and smart back more, and that I'm "too nice," I get that one a lot. Maybe when I come on here, I try to be more like people say I should be in real life. Now, if I'm understanding everyone correctly, I'm not nice enough. I'm too fast to assume someone's being rude or sarcastic or snotty with me, too fast to say "hey, that was uncalled for," and the people in my "real life" all say I'm not nearly fast enough. Now I have no idea which one is right or which way to go.

    Last edited by Hiya; 10-30-2005 at 09:52 PM.

     
    Old 10-30-2005, 10:16 PM   #238
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    (After reading my post, it sounded stupid so I deleted it.)

    Hiya, I hope that you have a wonderful, happy day today !!! Maybe you will meet someone woderful!

    Last edited by glamourgal; 10-30-2005 at 11:17 PM.

     
    Old 10-31-2005, 06:01 AM   #239
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    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    I already have a reputation of being pretty mousy, people are always telling me I have to learn to stand up for myself more and learn how to say "no" and how to defend myself and smart back more, and that I'm "too nice," I get that one a lot. Maybe when I come on here, I try to be more like people say I should be in real life. Now, if I'm understanding everyone correctly, I'm not nice enough. I'm too fast to assume someone's being rude or sarcastic or snotty with me, too fast to say "hey, that was uncalled for," and the people in my "real life" all say I'm not nearly fast enough. Now I have no idea which one is right or which way to go.
    Nini ~ I think that after we have been taken advantage of, manipulated, or mistreated in anyway in our past our first defense is to be leary of the same happening again, to mistrust our own judgement and to do our very best in preventing that from happening ever again. Sometimes, which I believe has happened in your case, we tend to overcompensate in these areas.....not finding ourselves trusting of other's intentions such as when somebody doing something nice for us interpreting it as a way to get close to us so that they will be able to hurt us, yet again.

    Like when you were out with a guy and you didn't know the teams that were playing and he laughed and you interpreting him as thinking you were stupid because he didn't ask you out again.....perhaps it wasn't even that at all!!! Perhaps it may have been how you got very quiet after he laughed and barely contributed to the conversation and he took that as a sign of disinterest on your part. In other words, you may have misinterpreted his laughter at finding something funny as an insult and reacted in that way which took the rest of the evening into a whole different direction. If you hadn't taken that to heart and in a negative way and instead turned it around into something positive such as saying, "Wow....NE and I go thinking it's Nebraska....just goes to show that while I was being taught geography my mind was on Johnny P. who was the cute guy who played the drums in our school band!!! Boy....and to think I gave up geography for a drummer!!!" the outcome could have been much different. Right??? There could have been numerous ways of handling the situation rather than coming down on yourself for not knowing everything....who does??? Do you see what I mean, how we can be our own worst enemies??? Don't you think that if you had allowed the mistake to blow over and not internalized it so much that things may have turned out a little bit differently??? He may have been charmed by your comeback and seen your strong sense of acceptance of yourself and self worth & he would have been turned on by that.....many men are turned on by a woman's confidence and I see you needing to work on this part of yourself. People can tell if you are confident or lacking in it. They home in on it like a shark to the smell of blood!!! And that makes a big first impression. If you do not accept yourself & your imperfections you can come across extremely weak and lacking in confidence and self love. And people are generally not attracted to that. Doesn't mean that you have to be completely full of yourself.....just somebody who likes who they are and knows that they are special.

    Another thing we tend to do after being taken advantage of is becoming automatically defensive of anything that seems to be directed as something that points out a weakness within ourselves that can be improved upon, that we know we have and which with a little work can be changed, but are unwilling to admit. It's called constructive criticism. Somebody who genuinely has our best interests at heart will take a risk and tell you what you need to do in order to get better or do better. Because we see it as a protective mechanism we will get defensive when somebody points this out or perhaps touches the vulnerable part of ourselves. I still have to make sure that I don't fall prey to this to this day even after all that I have worked on to regain my self esteem after the abuse I went through in the past. Realguy has a way of bringing that out in me too like when he started that thread in regard to people holding ex's in such a high regard. When I responded he made a comment about how he could think of many other ways that somebody could develop strength than to go through an abusive situation. And although he was right from the perspective of not truly understanding abusive relationships, I felt a strong need to defend myself and others who had been exposed to abuse to point out that it wasn't by choice that we entered an abusive relationship....and that it took courage & strength to leave one. Not only that but to also turn it around & not allow it to further weaken you but to strengthen you by using it to help others who found themselves in the same situation. I know now that Realguy's comment was only as constructive criticism and yet I jumped in defense when perhaps I should have left it alone. I think he is doing the same here....can you see that he is only saying what I described above???? But in a more direct way....a cutting to the chase sort of way??? Some of us respond to that (personally I do not ) at least not until I know the person and have grown to trust them as a friend. Then I know their intentions and find it much easier to trust them. I think that when you share here, you obviously trust that people will offer you good advice & support. I guess like for me it is easier to come to you after you have developed some type of trust.....because that is important to you. If Goody had said the words that Realguy had.....I have a feeling that you wouldn't have reacted so badly. And perhaps that is how it is in the real world with you.....that you do react badly because you are unable to trust the person that you are with. You automatically feel that they have the potential to hurt you. Just like all the others.....right???

    So, Nini, perhaps it all IS a matter of trust. Trusting your instincts again, and trusting that there are people in this world that can like you, that is, after you show them a person who likes and trusts herself!!! I hope this all makes a little more sense.....the fact is, there is work to be done in you, my friend. And the only one who can do it is YOU. We can guide you and offer suggestions but in the end it is totally up to YOU to trust us enough to make the changes in yourself that will make your future brighter. Be open to hearing what others who care about you have to say. It is quite obvious that what you have done on your own is not exactly working. You need to trust yourself, Nini, and those around you. And to be confident enough to know that you are loveable and that there are people out there willing to be your friend and your lover.....you only have to learn to how to let them in.


    ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-31-2005 at 06:14 AM.

     
    Old 10-31-2005, 08:21 AM   #240
    Hiya
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    Join Date: Jun 2005
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    Hiya HB User
    Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Like when you were out with a guy and you didn't know the teams that were playing and he laughed and you interpreting him as thinking you were stupid because he didn't ask you out again.....perhaps it wasn't even that at all!!! Perhaps it may have been how you got very quiet after he laughed and barely contributed to the conversation and he took that as a sign of disinterest on your part.
    Well, he didn't laugh, I don't think I ever said he laughed, I just felt just a tad, you know, like "oops!" for a second. And like I said, I only brought it up because as far as I could tell, looking back, that was the only faux pas or misstep that I made on that date. Everything else, I felt pretty good about. I didn't get quiet after that. I kept the conversation going upbeat and smiling pretty well, until about an hour and a half into the date when we started running out of things to say. I have no idea why he didn't call back, you're right, it could have been any number of a million reasons, many of which probably had little to do with me, or at least anything that I have any control over. And that was my point. I was the one who was on the date, and I trust my own judgment enough to feel confident that I did pretty well. He still didn't call back. Why? Who cares? The point is, he didn't. That's all. Finding people who are willing to be my friend or lover, and who I would want as a friend or lover, I think if we're honest, is more than just a function of my being open to it. It's a function of being in the right place at the right time, the other person being amenable, and a little it of luck, fortune, or as Sophia says, serendipity. I really agree with her on that point. You can be open to it, but you also have to have a little luck on your side as well. There is a certain little piece of the puzzle that really is just out of your control. How big a piece, is another matter open for discussion I suppose....

    As far as other posters and how we may interpret them, I think you have good instincts too, and you should trust your initial ones. No one's perfect, and while I think most people here have a sincere desire to help, we are all human, and not perfect, and can make mistakes in how we interpret a situation or how we word things.

    But I think you're also right about my own intuition. Driving home last night, I got to thinking about how much my head was spinning around with what everyone was saying, and I thought how stupid it is to be so confused. Because I still have me. I've always had pretty sharp, good intuition. My main challenge in life has always been to have the courage to listen to what that little voice is trying to tell me. The biggest mistakes I've made in my life, the things that turned out to be the biggest disasters, were the times when I listened too much to what other people were telling me and not enough to that little voice in my own head. The times I've focused and followed that voice were the times things turned out much better. So I think that's what I need to do. I'm so appreciative of everyone's advice and help and support, and I think some adivce has been very useful, and I intend to just take some time to quiet and calm my head, listen very carefully to what that little voice is trying to tell me, apply the advice that works with it, and proceed from there. After all, no one knows me better than me, no one has walked in my shoes except me, and like the saying goes, I'm the only one who knows what I want out of life, and I'm the only one who will be unhappy if I don't get it. Thanks again, and I'll let you know how things develop.

    Last edited by Hiya; 10-31-2005 at 08:24 AM.

     
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