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  • Playing Hard To Get

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    Old 11-14-2005, 11:47 AM   #1
    DonutsNCoffee
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    Playing Hard To Get

    You'll have to pardon me. This is more of a rant than a question about the whole "playing hard to get" theory of dating.

    There was another thread on here about whether women should pursue men and a lot of women replied they shouldn't, that it's the man's role to pursue, and that a man loves a challenge so if you take away that challenge, he'll be less interested in you. But I and a lot of guys I know don't think like that at all. There are certain areas in life where we thrive on a challenge. Sports is a good example. If we're good at golf or tennis, then naturally we're going to seek out an opponent who can challenge us. But dating isn't one of those areas where men necessarily like a challange. Now I'm not saying we like it when it's easy and there's no work at all. If it were easy, we'd probably wonder about the girl and how many other guys she's been with. But the whole "hard to get" crowd makes it sound like the more you resist a guy, the more he'll want you. Give me a break. If I want a job with a certain company and the company turns me down, that doesn't make me want the job even more. If there's a person I want to be friends with but he doesn't want to be friends with me, his dismissal of me doesn't make me want to be his friend even more. That's why the whole "hard to get" game is silly. A lot of men may have a high opinion of themselves and think they can eventually convince a woman to like them, but most men will just move on. Why? Cause they know you're not the only woman out there. And they also have some amount of pride. There's a fine line between being persistant and being desperate. And no guy wants to look desperate.

    And let's think about the kind of guys you'll attract if you do play this game. Some will just give up and conclude you're not interested and who knows? Maybe the perfect guy for you was one of those guys who gave up on you. The others will keep on pursuing you. And what type of guys do you think those men will be? Well, more often than not, they will be the guys who have a very high opinion of themselves or they're just desperate. And if the "hard to get" theory is true and a guy truly does love a challenge, what's going to happen when he finally does "catch" you? Well, you're no longer a challenge. The "thrill of the hunt" is gone. So if he thrives on challenge, what's to stop him from looking for another challenge i.e. another woman? One of the problems I have with the whole "hard to get" school of thought is that it basically reduces women to trophies. He's chasing after you like you're a prize, the way a hunter chases after an animal. What happens when the hunter catches his prey? He kills it, stuffs it, mounts it on the wall, cracks open a beer and sits down to watch football. It's a very antiquated way of thinking and you'd think in the 21st century, women would want to be looked at as more than a trophy. Oh well. End of rant.

     
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    Old 11-14-2005, 12:22 PM   #2
    daria74
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    I always felt the same way about any dating "tactics" - or anything that turned dating into a "game". If your goal is to just score and rack up as many conquests as possible, than go ahead and decieve to your hearts content. But most people who play 'hard to get', etc, really do want serious relationships - and anyone who thinks a long term healthy relationship can be based on anything besides honesty & openess is saddly mistaken in my oppionion...anything you fake will most certainly come back & bite you on the *** further along in the relationship.
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    Old 11-14-2005, 12:41 PM   #3
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    I would never play hard to get with someone I was interested in because there's so much competition out there. For instance, if I used online dating, if I don't return a guy's calls, think of how many other women he has to choose from. I wouldn't expect a guy to keep chasing after me if he thinks I'm ignoring him. Guys that have pride would chalk me up and go on to the next one. Then I've only hurt myself.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 12:50 PM   #4
    greeneyes100
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    I don't really play hard to get; it's just that I prefer not to put all my cards on the table right away. I think there is a difference. I usually let a man know right away if I am interested in him. Then, it's up to him to show an interest in me. If I feel like I am doing most of the giving and not getting any feedback, then I usually move on. I think it all boils down to give and take. I think love flounders in an atmosphere where it is slightly out of reach, yet still available.

    In other words, you should always give of yourself in tiny bits or "increments", see how the other person reacts, and then give a little more. I would not keep giving and giving if the other person was doing all the taking and not giving anything back.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 12:57 PM   #5
    DonutsNCoffee
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    greeneyes100,

    I'm not saying you have to put all your cards on the table, but I think some of the dating games people play are downright silly. Like not returning someone's call cause you want them to call again and prove that they really are interested. Or expecting them to ask you out a second time after you said no the first time. It's stuff like that, which falls under the heading of "Playing Hard To Get" that is childish. If you show interest in a guy and if he's interested, then he should act on it. But if you're one of those women who pretends to not be interested just to get him to try harder, sorry but you need to grow up. I don't mean you personally, just you in general.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 01:03 PM   #6
    greeneyes100
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DonutsNCoffee
    greeneyes100,

    I'm not saying you have to put all your cards on the table, but I think some of the dating games people play are downright silly. Like not returning someone's call cause you want them to call again and prove that they really are interested. Or expecting them to ask you out a second time after you said no the first time. It's stuff like that, which falls under the heading of "Playing Hard To Get" that is childish. If you show interest in a guy and if he's interested, then he should act on it. But if you're one of those women who pretends to not be interested just to get him to try harder, sorry but you need to grow up. I don't mean you personally, just you in general.
    I know what you mean and I totally agree. But I don't think you should call them back right away the minute or so after they call. Because that does look a little desperate!

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 01:05 PM   #7
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    DonutsNCoffee, thank you for this! Finally someone has said it! May god bless you

    Here's the deal, there is a fine line between pursuing a challenge and acting out of desperation. Women HATE desperation...so why do they so often push men this far? Well, I think that many women who never have any intention of ever being serious with a guy just like the attention! Another thing may be the some women want to 'test' their man. Yet another thing is that some women have deep seated hatred for men in general and just like to torture men...as funny as that sounds, its very true! I've run into many a man-hater in my time and they all want to play games.

    Whatever the reason is, all of us, man or woman, should avoid people that want to play games and playing 'hard to get' is just another game people play. If you sense someone is doing this, you should get away. Most men know this and that is why most men give up VERY quickly when trying to pick up women that give them the cold shoulder.

    In my time, the guys I have known to be the best with women were always the ones that knew how to cut their loses quickly and move on to the next one without ever taking things personally. I know from personal experience that when you find someone of sound mind and maturity they won't play games...simple as that.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 01:25 PM   #8
    LostMyHeart
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    From a woman's point of view, I Absolutely agree with you, Donuts!!

    I find it interesting how many men respond just as you have, yet, still women insist on believing that is what a guy wants.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 01:45 PM   #9
    Hiya
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    I totally agree that game playing is not really the way to find a spouse or whatever. I think maybe there are some women who just like to play "hard to get" but there is a line between playing games and protecting yourself. I had just started dating a man who, I think it was maybe our second or third date, we had arranged to go out on a triple date with two of my friends and two of his friends, and we women gathered at one friend's house, and half an hour passed, then an hour, and an hour and a half, finally we got hold of them and found out they had decided to pick up a table for their dining room before picking us up. About two and a half hours after they were supposed to pick us up, they called expecting us to still go out. I went home and went to bed, one of my friends went out, and the other stayed home. I did end up dating the guy off and on for a while, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. If I had applied the "He's Just Not That Into You" philosophy, and not wasted my time on a guy who didn't value me enough to show up when he said he was going to and had blown him off then and there, I wouldn't have gotten broken hearted, I wouldn't have wasted the last years of my youth on this guy, and I might be happily married ot someone else by now. There's game playing, and then there's just being smart and self protective and just not letting a man waste your time and mess you over.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 03:25 PM   #10
    evy38
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    There is a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE between not pursuing a man and playing games. If you can not see that you will constantly be confused be many womens behavior.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 03:35 PM   #11
    Hiya
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    There is a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE between not pursuing a man and playing games. If you can not see that you will constantly be confused be many womens behavior.
    Exactly what I was trying to say. If you tell a girl you'll call her tomorrow, but then don't call until three or four days later, or you don't do what you say you're going to do when you say you'll do it, and then she blows you off, you may interpret that as playing games or playing hard to get, but it isn't. She's just not wasting her time on a man who clearly doesn't value her.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 03:38 PM   #12
    evy38
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Exactly what I was trying to say. If you tell a girl you'll call her tomorrow, but then don't call until three or four days later, or you don't do what you say you're going to do when you say you'll do it, and then she blows you off, you may interpret that as playing games or playing hard to get, but it isn't. She's just not wasting her time on a man who clearly doesn't value her.
    I'd even go so far as to say, YOU were the one playing games by waiting to call a woman, you like, 3 or 4 days later.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 05:02 PM   #13
    CyberNick
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    In my experience, most women that are looking for something more serious don't play games. It's usually a lack of consideration on the guy's part which drives the woman away, just like with Hiya's example of the guy saying he'll call but then waiting 2 or 3 extra days. I know it seems odd that I am a man dissing on men lol, but I have been guilty of this myself. It usually falls under the category of "he's just not that into you".

    Most women that I've met and dated have shown interest by the end of the first date, and will express it by saying that they had a really good time, or that they hope to see you again soon, or etc.. I've never had a woman play games with me or lead me on when she was actually interested in a relationship with me. Many oblivious guys who think a woman is "playing hard to get" usually are dealing with a woman who is trying to let you down easily by gradually rather than abruptly ending communication.

    I do agree though that most guys I know don't like to mess around with a flaky, non-commital woman; unless they are looking for a hook-up type deal. I personally would like to know that a woman is interested in me before I pursue something more serious with her, rather than her playing mind games and acting like she has many options besides me.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 05:14 PM   #14
    SophiaM
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    Well, I don't play games. If I'm interested in a man, he will know it. The most ironic part is that some of the men I turned down, not to play games but out of lack of genuine interest, ended up pursuing me the most. So, how do you interpret that? The men who I clearly showed that I was also interested in them usually fizzled out in time. However, some of the men I blatantly told I'm not interested in a relationship with them, or worse yet, gave them the "let's be friends" line out of politeness, are still hanging on and calling or emaling me! So, how is that possible? I don't like to play "games" and hate to play them, but somehow it looks to me that a lot of men DO like a woman who's flaky with them

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 05:23 PM   #15
    greeneyes100
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    Re: Playing Hard To Get

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Well, I don't play games. If I'm interested in a man, he will know it. The most ironic part is that some of the men I turned down, not to play games but out of lack of genuine interest, ended up pursuing me the most. So, how do you interpret that? The men who I clearly showed that I was also interested in them usually fizzled out in time. However, some of the men I blatantly told I'm not interested in a relationship with them, or worse yet, gave them the "let's be friends" line out of politeness, are still hanging on and calling or emaling me! So, how is that possible? I don't like to play "games" and hate to play them, but somehow it looks to me that a lot of men DO like a woman who's flaky with them
    It's human nature, Sophia...to want what we think we can't have. That's why the women that act the least interested in a man ALWAYS GET THEM.

     
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