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    Old 11-19-2005, 10:22 PM   #1
    DocsGirl
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    I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Hi Everyone;

    I haven't been on the board for quite some time. I used to read this board everyday. I only posted a couple of times though, but I felt as if I knew everyone here. Most of the people that were here when I used to come are gone and new ones replaced. It really doesn't matter, screen names, we are all people with the same problem...we are all addicts, right? We wouldn't be here if we weren't. So, I wanted to share my bottom.

    I have been abusing drugs since I could remember, in one shape or form. But, the last couple of years, it became very, very bad. I was addicted to oxycontin. And in big ways. I have a neck problem...herniated disks, nerve damage, etc. and all that good stuff that goes along with it.

    My boyfriend was a doctor, so i was getting vicodin, xanax, valium, diet pills, and pretty much anything I wanted. It would take a fight to get the pills, but I always won...he would give in. He new my neck was very bad..he was the Dr. that diagnosed me.

    Along with getting the pills from my boyfriend, I was also seeing a pain management Dr. that was prescribing oxycontin 40mg. every 12hrs with percocet 10mg every 8 hrs for breakthrough pain and xanax for anxiety.

    So, you could say, without doubt, I was pretty messed up. I went on this way for 2yrs. Lets recap...my boyfriend was a Dr. that prescribed vicodin es, xanax, and diet pills, then I was seeing a pain management Dr. that was prescribing oxycontin 40mg every 12 hrs with percocet for breakthrough and xanax for anxiety. I am a small girl, I am only 5'2" 110-115 lbs. So, it is definately safe to say I was a definate drug addict and in a bad way.

    About 1 1/2 months ago, I was very sick. It started out as nasal infection, then went into strep, then to bronchitis, the to pnemonia. My lungs were filling with fluid. My boyfriend told me either he gives me a steriod shot or admits me into the hospital. I am a single mother of twins, worked full time(I have a very good job), my mother is sick and I really have no family, there was no way I was going into the hospital. So there he went with the steriod shot, and a big one at that. At this point in our relationship, we were also hitting rock bottom, fighting constantly, not getting along at all. Everytime we were together we were fighting.

    I let him give me a steriod shot knowing I was taking levaquin (a mind altering antibiotic) I never new there were mind altering antibiotics until after. I was on levaquin for at least a month trying to stop the pnemonia. So, now i was on oxycontin, percocet, vicodin es, xanax, valium, and diet pills....just add some steriods into that mix, oh, and I forgot the tramadol and wine and it's beyond deadly. I really dont know how I am here now telling my story. It literally sent me into another universe and I'm not exagerating. I started hallucinating and I didn't stop for 10 days straight. I didn't sleep for 3 straight days, I mean i never pulled my covers down on the bed. I don't remember most of that week and a half, but i do have people around me to tell me what i did. I thought I saw dead people, not only did i see them, but i would talk to them. i thought i was places i wasn't, i would see water alot...ponds with fish in it. i would snap out of it only for seconds, just enough time to think i had really lost my mind and than bang, I was right back into the 10 day halluciantion. (We joke about it now, especially at work, my boss is young, we are pretty good friends, so he definately new something was wrong....when people would ask him what was wrong with me, he told everyone to leave me along...she's just sick right now. It was the scariest feeling knowing you are hallucinating, but not be able to distinguish between reality and fiction. During that time, i had a major blowout with my boyfriend...i suspected him of cheating, and he was. We went out to dinner and i was hallucinating, on all kinds of drugs, uppers, downer, opiates, anphetamines,pot, steriods, liquor and God only knows what else. I don't remember much of that night, except at the end of it i was lying in my drive way, the firetrucks, ambulances etc were there. Sometime during this fight in my driveway, my boyfriend must have got into his truck and hit me with it. I passed out. He left me there. This is a man that bought me a house, a new truck, loved my children as if they were his. ( He has been with them since they were one) He was my everything....and my everything was cheating on me. So, he hit me with his truck and left me there unconscious. How confused was I...Did he just stop loving me??? I guess so, who could love someone for 4 yrs, then hit them with a truck and never stop to see if they are even still breathing. I'll never understand. Sometimes, I think he was trying to kill me....Everyone wanted to kill me...i mean we all know us addicts are the hardest people to be around. we are misreable and we want everyone else to be too So back to my lifetime movie; to make a long story short, i was taken to the hospital (myneighbor saw the whole thing, she called 911 and gave a written statement. I was so out of it when i got to the hospital, I was hallucinating, I got in a big fight with the nurse and was eventually kick out of the hospital. That was after about 6 hrs later. They had already done a cat scan nothing was broke..just my finger. Which is my ring finger, that I have a big fat diamond on that he gave me that I can't get off because my finger is permanently swollen. Just my luck..a constant reminder of him. ( I am so unlucky..if i don't have bad luck, i have no luck at all.) While I was in the hospital, they drug tested me...i guess because i was so pleasant. I tested positive for 5 out of 7 things not including alcohol which when they did test me, I was drunk too. The only thing i didn't test positive for was cocaine ( and thats just because I couldn't get any, i am sure if i had it that would have tested positive too. the other thing i did not test positive for was PCP which i was almost sure i would the way i was hallucinating. I never hallucinated before, never wanted to, i actually thought my boyfriend drugged me and i'm still not so sure he didn't. I don't know how i didn't kill myself, my children, someone else or someone elses' child. thats a very scary thought. i almost lost my best friends son..i was supposed to take him to school and instead i took him to the pet store that was closed. The scariest part of that is that i don't remember. my daughter asked me 2 weeks ago.."Mommy, remember when you thought Grandma was here, but she really wasn't and you thought you were at aunt lisa's but you were really here, because you can't be in 2 places at once, right Mommy?" Well, what do you say to your 5 yr old when she asks you a question like that, especially when you don't even remember. I do remember one thing, I woke up my 5 yr old twins at 4am made them get out of bed, get dressed and eat breakfast....i thought it was time for school, thank God, i didn't take them there. The only reason was because they kept telling me, "Mommy, it's the middle of the night"...i guess someting hit my brain, because i let them go back to sleep.

    Since the night i was taken to the hospital, i have not taken anything. 10 days of my life are gone and the worst part of it all is ....i will never know what i did or didn't do to my poor, innocent children, my friends and my family.

    It's hard, I struggle each and everyday.. some days worst than others. but i do now know..i am afraid of drugs. If drugs could take 10 days away from me without any memory of them, Ithan I guess that was enough for me. I thank God every day that he watched over me or sent a guardian angel to protect me, my children and everyone around me.

    I still have extremely bad pain, but the pain is definately better than the withdrawls, the constant running out of med's before the next prescription and most of all I never have to worry about losing days off my life. I never thought i could or would stop taking the oxycontin. it's just ashame i had to figure it out this way. I lost alot because of drugs..i lost friends, i lost time and most of all i lost a great guy. At least i still have my children. I never want to let them down like that again. As young as there are, they knew something was wrong with "Mommy"

    Well, I tried to make this as short as possible, i left alot out, but i am sure you all can fill in the blanks.

    I hope my story at least makes some of you think....i was very fortunate, next time i may not be......

    Good luck in your battles...i will hanging around for a while. i'd like to know what the rest of you think of my "bottom"

     
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    Old 11-19-2005, 10:46 PM   #2
    Arememom
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Hey Docsgirl,

    OMG, Your bottom scares me!!! To hallucinate and have no memory of many things that happened over a ten day period must be absolute hell. My drug of choice was crack. I'd hallucinate and not remember exact events, but for much, much shorter periods of time.

    Did you detox at home or inpatient somewhere? You had so many drugs in your system, it was very dangerous if you did detox at home. Do you have any type support system for you and your beautiful children? Are you involved in rehab or NA/AA/CA?

    I'm a nurse and never heard of mind altering antibiotics. Only if you had an adverse reaction should it make you confused. But with the mix of drugs including the steroid I assume that's what did it. Right??

    I'll keep you and your children in my prayers.

     
    Old 11-19-2005, 11:21 PM   #3
    sk777
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    DocsGirl!! OMG is right!

    I'm glad you're clean now, and safe, and that your children are safe.

    As for your fiance, I don't think you lost a great guy. It may seem that way but he fed you meds w/o regard to your wellbeing and then, seriously? Hit you with a car??? I can't even fathom, mouth is still gaping from your story. Don't blame yourself for losing a great guy. We addicts do a lot of bad stuff and are to blame for things, but he was your #1 enabler and is just as much to blame. Even more so because he is a doctor.

    Sorry if I sound harsh, but really, you are better off. Addicts and non-addicts alike do crazy messed-up ****** but there's never any kind of excuse whatsoever for how he treated you.

    Okay, climbing down from soapbox, thank you for posting your story, I'm sure you will touch many people who come here who have hit bottom, myself included. And again, I'm so happy you are safe now. And we all know about lost days that we'll never get back. I have lots of them, too.

    Stay strong!

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 04:52 AM   #4
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Hi Doc's girl. First....get rid of that name girl. You didn't "loose a great guy". Anyone who would enable you the way he did, cheat on you, give you drugs, run over you with a truck. Good lord...that is not a "great" guy.

    You are standing on your own two feet now and it's nothing short of a miracle. I am with everyone else here with my mouth hanging open, but nothing really surprises me anymore with the hell of addiction.

    Tell me. Are you involved in rehab, 12 step meetings or any outside support? I hope the answer is yes - so much support and stregnth there. Please consider it.

    I hope you will keep coming back here & please share your experience stregnth and hope. You will be on our minds. God bless and congratulations on getting your life back. God bless your sweet children.

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 06:24 AM   #5
    DocsGirl
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Thanks for your reply's everyone!!

    To answer some of your questions, no I am not in any programs...to be totally honest with you guys..i am a single mother, I work full time, i travel almost an hour to work daily, i am up at 5:30 getting myself ready for work and my kids off to school, by the time i get home, its 7pm, i still have to feed the kids, bath them, do homework, etc., so i have no time to do much of anything.

    I feel strong!!, believe me i know the hold that those kinds of drugs have over us, but this time its almost as if i know somewhere way deep down inside myself, that this time was the last time. Everyday it gets a little easier, day by day the cravings become less and less. I guess, i started to bury myself into my work, my kids, and my house. That's hard enough. throw some oxycontin into the mix and i know, i will lose it all. God did give me a second chance. Believe me...i do have my days, my lonely days, my depressed days...those are very hard, somehow, someway i get through it. As for family...my mother has alzhiemers, my father is not in our life..he was very abusive and i chose to not include him now, i do have some close friends that helped me through this...and i have a nanny. 3 people got me through this terrible time.

    as for my ex...ii am definately not trying to defend him, yes, he was absolutely 100% wrong!!!! but looking back now, being straight, i drove him nuts...everyone one here knows us addicts can do that with ease. He was there for me way back when, when noone else was. But that is history. I can never be with him again...I closed that chapter in my life.

    I have to run...birthday party for my Godson today, still have to take a shower, get my kids and get there by 12pm....oh, i am going to be so late.

    take care everyone, thanks for the reply's...i will be checking in later. Have a great Sunday. Try to stay strong, take it minute by minute if need be.

    DGirl

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 06:37 AM   #6
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Docsgirl

    I haven't posted in a while but your bottom made me want to reach out to you. You are very courageous! And I don't care how crazy you drove your psyco boyfriend...hitting you with a car is criminal. Your children will realize that Mommy is now OK and you will be! Stay strong.

    Vicky

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 07:21 AM   #7
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Oh my gosh Docsgirl I thought my bottom was bad.I am so sorry, you have been through so much pain.I commend you for being so strong and getting off all the pills.Did you experiance bad wds?That was a hefty dose, I am tiny too(I am just five feet tall and 115 pounds lol).You and your children are in my prayers. I am here if you ever need to talk.
    Your friend,
    Kelley.

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 05:14 PM   #8
    DocsGirl
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Arememon & Kelley and everyone els;

    Arememom;

    Yes; there are mind altering antibiotics...I didn't know this either..I only know one though and that is levequin..when you are on it for long periods, studies show it can alter mind function, we probably never even realized...it's probably very slight, BUT when mixed with certain injectable steriods, opiates, amphetamines, sedatives, and everything else...it will cause major hallucinations...the only thing i really do not understand and if anyone knows the answer, please let me know...how long does steriods stay in someones' system...10 days seems like an awful long time. I wonder..was he giving me shots every night??? or could only one shot last 10 days..i forgot to mention, after the 10 days of hallucinations, i was put into a massive state of confusion for the next two weeks. I am never confused.. i was so confused, i would stutter...i never stutter.

    Kelley;

    the withdrawls were so bad, i really can't begin to describe the pain. It felt as if my whole body was on fire. anything that touched me hurt. if the wind blew too hard, it hurt, the sheets in my bed hurt my skin when they touched me...i had high fevers, sweats, chills, vomiting, confusion...on the fifth day of withdrawling, i almost caved. i said to myself is tomorrow is anything like today, i will call my pain mang. Dr. and get a presciption. by the fifth day, i was so exhausted, in pain, sick, i just wanted to die. and i mean really die. i have had many surgeries, i broke both my hips and my pelvis and i never, never felt pain like the pain of withdrawling from oxycontin and the rest of the mess i was on. but, on the sixth day, i woke up from about an hour of sleep, maybe two hours and for the first time, i actually felt the pain subside. not alot, but enough to realize that the worst was over, and it wasn't soon enough..this gave me hope, inspiration and most of all determination. I was very determined to stop. and on the sixth day the withdrawls started to ease. it took a good 2 weeks to feel ok..by the 3rd week i actually started feeling good. it was a long haul...I took it day by day, really minute by minute and sometimes it was so bad i had to take it second by second. but i did it and it was hard, but it makes me feel good....i actually accomplished somethng very hard. i accomplished the withdrawls, but i fight like h--l to everyday to stay clean. lets see if i can accomplish that. Thats the major accomplishment. I feel good though, i know if it gets too hard for me alone, i can come here and i have friends...people that understand, people like me...

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 06:50 PM   #9
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Welcome back. You have a heck of a story and staying clean and posting here will no doubt give many others the courage, strength and conviction to stop the madness.

    There is no doubt in my mind, God gave you grace, there is no earthly reason for you to be alive with what was in your system.

    Are you going to any recovery meetings? What are you doing for yourself to stay clean for the long haul?

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 08:47 PM   #10
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Hey Docsgirl,

    Hope you're having a good day. Man, you do have long days with your drive, job and kids. Be sure that you take care of yourself though. In my recovery program they have a saying.

    HALT - Never get too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired. When you do these things you can set yourself up to go back out again. Do whatever it takes to stay clean. Your recovery must be foremost in your mind at all times. That's easy if you are like me - unemployed for the moment and spend all day on my self/recovery. But for those of you out there who must go on with life, I know it's hard. Hopefully soon I'll be among you working folks.

    Have a good night and day tomorrow. I'll keep you in my prayers.

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 09:10 PM   #11
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    I know how you've done it this time. The Lord left you on the Earth for a reason and he took that horrible habit away so you could stay here and accomplish what he has in store for you. What a blessing. there's no other explanation. Please use the time he has given you to make a difference in someone else's life...maybe your children's.........God Bless you!!

     
    Old 11-20-2005, 09:50 PM   #12
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    Re: I hit my bottom almost 2 months ago

    Thank you everyone for the warm "welcome back"...it's always nice to know you have a place to go where people understand. This site has taught me so much about being an addict, a mother, a person, a daughter, a friend and a human being..

    I hope my story will touch someone. I know that out of all the bad things that has happened to me that something good will come shining through. I hope that my story will hit home to someone out there. Maybe it won't be enough to make someone stop abusing, but maybe it will be enough to slow someone down even if its just a little bit.

    I can remember sitting in full blown w/d's reading other people's stories....feeling horrible, but knowing i wasn't the only addict out there....knowing other people knew what i was feeling...was almost a comforting feeling. (Not that i wanted anyone to feel like i did, but knowing i wasn't alone in my own h--l, made it just a little easier

    God Bless eveyone out here feeling so bad you actually feel hopeless. I will be here on and off..checking in on my new friends...

    I just want to give back to these boards what was given to me when i needed it most.....strength, perserverence, determination and support.

    God is watching over all of us and at our worst point, our "Bottom", it is then that he will be there to carry us through....

     
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