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    Old 10-30-2005, 01:38 PM   #16
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Hello again stacy Thanks for replying again. I still believe that telling her was the correct thing to do. I was kind of regretting it (not due to embarrassment but in case it mucked up our friendship) but then I rationalised that I would have ended up telling her sooner rather than later and that it was best to do in a private situation with no alcohol involved. I'm still a bit confused about things but I think I know what's going on in her head... kind of! She sent me a text message after she left the other night saying: "Hey! I just want you to know what you said hasn't changed anything i'm glad you can b honest with me! i hope u still want to be mates! sweet dreams!xxx" [By the way, three kisses in a text message are not a clever idea if you don't want a guy to get the wrong idea!].

    So at work the next day I sent her an e-mail explaining my feelings because I didn't really get them across very well the night before. I told her that basically I had interpreted her friendship as more than just that. She agreed that she had probably been a bit too friendly but defended herself by saying that she likes to feel close to people. That's all good and well for her, but that kind of casual closeness might just represent friendship to her but it meant more to me I was naive to believe that it meant anything more to her, but on the same token she was naive not to realise that she was encouraging me. And she's still been doing it for these last few days I've got to do the sensible thing and pull away from her a little bit.

    I don't mean to criticise, but I think any women reading this should take note: don't flirt with a guy (for a prolonged period) unless you intend to take things further. We have feelings too

    EDIT: I would never tell her that, by the way. But maybe I should? Maybe I should stop idealising her and be a little bit angry with her. I don't know... I think it's just best to see less of her. It's just so annoying that she's so addictive
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    Old 11-27-2005, 12:50 PM   #17
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Wow, I can't believe it's nearly a month since I last posted on this thread. Well, a bit has happened since then and I could do with a bit more advice please! On Friday night I got my wish and we kissed. But I doubt it means anything to her

    After I'd told her how I felt about her she seemed to distance herself from me, even though she said nothing had changed. And I had accepted that. I'd basically given up on her in a romantic way. I was just glad that we could still be friends. But I hadn't seen her outside of work for three weeks which was upsetting, and she had been avoiding coming to the pub with us at lunch time. But then, out of the blue, she invited me out with her on Friday night. I didn't have any expectations, though.

    I was correct not to raise my hopes. I got to her house to be greeted by this guy who she has been involved with on and off. I don't particularly like him. She has told me before that she likes him as a friend but she doesn't like it that he tends to pester her (sexually) whenever they go out together. But she never really does much to discourage him beyond pushing him away when he gets too much. But it doesn't help that she's generally off her face during an evening out

    Anyway, at the club I didn't show her much attention. Like I say, I'd given up on her and I just wanted to have a good time without fretting about her all evening. I saw that she was being pestered by that guy as usual. I stayed well out of it because it upsets me to see her with him (mostly because I know she can do better, even if it's not with me). When she could get free of him she gave me some attention, which was nice, but it felt like she was just being sympathetic towards me.

    The club was open 'til 4 am but the pest got himself chucked out early. He got himself wasted and the bouncers could sense trouble. So she had to go suddenly to make sure he was okay. In keeping with my new attitude towards her I decided to stay but when I told my mate about it he suggested it was best that we followed them. So we left but they had already got a taxi home. So we got ourselves a taxi too.

    I went back to her house to check out she was okay and I planned to leave after that. Sure enough, she was looking after that guy but he was only fit for bed, which is where he went. And then we had a chat and we hugged, which is when we kissed. She instigated it (as far as I can remember). She asked me to stay while she had a smoke to help her get to sleep and we kissed some more and then I left somewhat confused.

    I haven't seen her since then. She sent me a message to apologise about her mate's behaviour but she didn't mention us. I'm not really looking forward to seeing her tomorrow because I suppose she will have an embarrassed look on her face like she regrets kissing me. At the time she was full of MDMA and coke so she wasn't exactly in the most clear state of mind. I think if it weren't for that she wouldn't have kissed me.

    To be honest I feel like I took advantage of her to an extent (although, I too was fairly mashed). I don't think she will think of it like that. But I do think she will regret it. I just wish I knew what she really thought of me instead of giving mixed messages. We're supposed to be moving in together (with other friends) after Christmas but that won't be a good idea until we know where we stand with each other.
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    Old 11-27-2005, 05:59 PM   #18
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Hi there Erimus,

    While I'm not too proud to admit this, I can totally understand where this girl is coming from, and I'm afraid it doesn't bode too well for the outcome you desire. You say that you guys need to figure out where you stand with each other, but it sounds like you have already explained on several occasions how you feel and she's let you know both directly and indirectly that she doesn't want to be anything more than friends. And I do think you're probably right that it was the MDMA that made her kiss you--that makes people want to be affectionate and get physical with anyone they like who is available and in close proximity. From what I remember from my days of going out and partying heavily (I didn't do X but loved coke for awhile there as well as drinking and smoking weed), there were plenty of nights when I was happy to cuddle up at the end with any of my guy friends. Like this girl, I always had a lot of different guy friends, some of whom were purely platonic, some of whom were lovers who I knew very intimately and cared for, and most of whom were somewhere in between friends and lovers, who I was flirty and affectionate with sometimes but never dated or got serious about. Some girls are just naturally inclined to have a lot of different guys around as friends and to give themselves a variety of options when they want to get physical without taking risks with strangers who we can't necessarily trust.

    Anyway, I am sorry to say this, because you are such a sweet and sensitive guy who deserves a whole lot more, but this girl is quite obviously not interested in a relationship with you. Like a lot of women, she's shyed away from stating that bluntly, but her reactions make it pretty clear, especially now that she is well aware that you would like to take your friendship to the next level. I have had several really close male friends who let me know that they felt the same way though I didn't reciprocate their feelings, and I always had a tough time trying to let them down gently while preserving our friendship and still being able to be close and affectionate. Looking back this wasn't particularly sensitive or mature of me, but I can definitely recognize the signs, and this is what is unfortunately going on between you and your crush. One guy in particular who was my best friend for years wanted very much to get romantically involved, but I wasn’t attracted to him in that way and was careful to avoid anything more than casual affection…he got increasingly dissatisfied with our platonic friendship and with me dating other guys and eventually couldn’t handle being friends anymore. I think that same decision might be the best move for you in this situation as well because you seem to still have hope that something more than a friendship might develop with the girl you like. And I would hate to see you do what several guys I have known have done and waited around hoping in vain that their female friends who they liked as more than friends would change their minds about taking their relationships to a romantic level, which led to them being very hurt, disappointed, mistrustful of women, and missing out on untold genuine romantic opportunities during the time they wasted hoping their crushes would come around and have changes of heart.

    I know you feel strongly for this girl and can’t help caring deeply for her, but you can’t do anything about her not wanting a relationship or not being the type to confine her flirting and hooking up to just one guy…you can only change yourself, and you will be continually frustrated and disappointed if you instead wait around hoping she will change her mind about getting romantically involved with you. While if I was her I would be upset about having my friendship with you cool down considerably, I think that’s what you need to do in order to get over her, move on, and open your eyes and your heart to all the other great women out there who might reciprocate your feelings and be thrilled to develop the kind of relationship you want with you. The more time you spend around your current crush, the more pain and frustration you will experience as she continues to flirt and play around with you but avoids anything more serious or committed. I’m sorry I don’t have more upbeat and optimistic advice for you, but having considerable experience on her side of this kind of situation, I can say with certainty that for the sake of your emotional well-being and overall happiness, you are going to need to get over her, and I highly doubt that can be accomplished by being as close and spending as much time with her (and especially not living together!!) as you have been. Please don’t forget that you are a great guy with a lot to offer and that you deserve nothing less than a girl who enthusiastically and happily agrees to be your girlfriend, rather than one who always keeps you unsatisfied and hanging around on the back burner. Take good care of yourself, and good luck!

     
    Old 11-28-2005, 10:36 AM   #19
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Once again, Stacy, many thanks for your frankness and honesty You've basically highlighted what I fear to be true, but what my heart doesn't want to believe. This girl likes me as a friend, first and foremost, and she finds me attractive enough to the extent that when she's under the influence she shows affection towards me. But I do agree that it doesn't look like there's much chance of anything beyond that. And, yes, you are correct: I am hurting myself by clinging on to the hope that things might develop further. Since Friday night I have been in a very ambivalent state of mind to say the least.

    I can't understand the viewpoint that you suspect she has towards sex and relationships, but I do accept it. Like I said before, I can't think of much worse than having a one night stand; I need to feel comfortable that I am in a committed relationship before sex gets involved. What worries me, though, is that it seems like I am severely in the minority in this respect (particularly in my age group) And I haven't got a clue how to find the kind of girls that share my values. So I have been vainly clinging on to the hope that this girl might decide it's time to settle down, at least for a little while.

    She did in fact say something to that effect to me a while back but I very much doubt it was said in favour of me and I don't think she really meant it. I do think a small part of her at least thinks I would make a good boyfriend but it's obviously insignificant in comparison to the other options available to her. And that's what I've got to accept. The only problem is, I did accept this a month ago but then we ended up kissing! So, like you say, I shall have to distance myself from her. But it is very difficult; I said before - she is a drug to me.

    Anyway, real-time edit: I just got a cryptic e-mail from her: I want more!!!!! More!!!! More!!!! I tell you!!! Interesting... So of course I enquired, "More of what?" (in a roundabout way), and she playfully said I would have to find out. Right, so now she's got me hooked again, just like that Oh well, for the time being it's the best I've got so I'm going to go with it and see what happens. This morning we already had an e-mail discussion about what happened and she asked me who made the first move to which I replied that we both did, which she said she was happy about because she didn't want to feel like she'd forced herself on me. As if I would feel like that!
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    Last edited by ErimusValidus; 11-28-2005 at 02:56 PM.

     
    Old 12-07-2005, 04:26 PM   #20
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Right, stuff's happened again and I need to put my feelings down to get them clear in my own head, if nothing else!

    Firstly, I don't feel too good about things Since I last updated she got her way and had "more", which turned out to be more kissing with me. As it transpired, however, we only stole five minutes in my car after work last Friday (after a week of heavy flirting) and then she told me she felt guilty about her boyfriend. Yes, she is back with her boyfriend. I did not know this when we first kissed. And I swear, a few weeks ago I would not have considered kissing her again if I thought she wasn't single. But she's got this hold over me now and it's making me act against my usual instincts.

    I justified the situation with my belief that her boyfriend has treated her badly in the past and probably will again. They have an on and off relationship and he initiates the "off" periods with his recreational drug overdoses, neglect to take his medication, and the resultant mood swings. But I know that's no excuse for encouraging her to cheat on him. So when she told me that I couldn't see her at the weekend, as we had arranged, I felt somewhat relieved because I too had been feeling guilty. But that didn't mean I wasn't gutted.

    She put it as "I have led you astray". What I think she should have realised was she had lead me on to believe something that wasn't true. Only two evenings previous she told me that she was having doubts about being with her boyfriend; that she had feelings for me and didn't know what to do. I was floating on air for three evenings last week. I had all these crazy ideas that she would leave him and start something with me and that I wouldn't be single at Christmas... again! Well, what a fool I am! I was just a bit of fun during otherwise tedious week at work and when it got too real I was ditched.

    Last Friday night after she told me we couldn't see each other, I was suddenly emotionally drained. I came home from the pub after work and slept for twelve hours straight and didn't feel much better on Saturday morning. I wandered around town completely numb. More than anything I wanted to know how she was. I finally gave in on Saturday evening and sent her a message to say that I wasn't mad with her (that was a lie) and that what mattered the most is that we remain friends (that is the truth). I genuinely worried when she didn't reply because she usually replies right away. She eventually replied twenty four hours later, claiming she didn't reply at first because she was too wasted to do so on Saturday night and then asleep all of Sunday. I wasn't very happy with that excuse and it said a lot to me that she didn't realise how important a reply was to me

    On Monday morning at work I resolved not to fall into the trap of flirting with her. I was well prepared because I had no confidence in my appearance after being battered playing football the day before (rough league) But she still wormed her way in and convinced me to accompany her to town at lunch time. Things felt okay. It wasn't weird and we were acting like friends. I was happy with the situation. But then we bumped into her boyfriend. Of course, they kissed. I felt sick and just wanted to bash my head into a wall until I passed out. The numbness was back. She didn't even seem to notice.

    I overheard that they'd made arrangements to meet up in the evening. But after work I sent her a message, joking about something we had talked about in the day, and she made a passing remark that she didn't have anything to do with her evening. So I suggested that I keep her company. She asked if I fancied a pint and a game of pool. So I cancelled plans to play football again and got round to her place like the dutiful puppy I am But I had the best evening I have had with a girl in a long time. We played and chatted for a good two hours and the conversation didn't dry up. In the back of my mind I was wondering if she expected us to kiss good night. I would have gone with whatever she initiated. But I drove her back home and we had a tender kiss on the cheek and nothing more. Although, it did seem like she wanted more as she got out and said good night.

    These last two days at work have been good again. We have been flirting but not too intensely. She has invited me out next Thursday; although, her boyfriend will be there, even though she says she didn't really want him there because he will probably get high and act like an idiot. She actually said she will dump him if he does muck up next week. But she didn't elude to whether that meant I would have a chance with her or not. She says she just wants to see me out because she enjoys hanging out with me because I actually like clubbing instead of just getting wasted.

    Today we went to the pub alone at lunch time and had another great time. I can make her laugh with the stupidest humour and I catch her checking me out. Also, she was visibly jealous (I think) when I was chatting to the bar maid. I just wish I knew what she was really thinking I know she likes me as a friend and now I know she would like to have sex with me, but I wish I could work out if she would like to have the two together because there's no other way for me.

    A part of me wants to tell her straight how I feel: that I would like us to take things further if she becomes single again, but that there's no way she could cheat on me without crushing me. I think she knows those feelings already, though. I know that she is worried that she would hurt me if we were together. So this other side of me wants to pretend to be something I am not. I want to pretend not to be sensitive and make myself available to be the bit on the side. But even that senseless idea is based in the vain hope that it would lead to something more serious.

    I think I really need to take my own advice to another dude, cybertron, who is also in this situation and distance myself from her. But it would be like cutting off my right arm. This girl has single-handedly revitalised my self-confidence from zero to the point where I can look girls in the eye again.

    Anyway, she's got the day off tomorrow so I will have a day to think about things. But I know that I will be craving her entrance to the office on Friday morning. She will smile at me the way she does that makes me remember why I got out of bed and I will be under her spell again...
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    Last edited by ErimusValidus; 12-07-2005 at 04:36 PM.

     
    Old 12-07-2005, 05:49 PM   #21
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Erimus, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but... you actually have control over yourself!!
    You have the ability and the will power to say No - at least until this girl is unattached.
    At this point she has the best of two worlds.
    A man she loves who is worthless, and a man of worth who loves her.

    Until she breaks it off with this other guy emotionally she will never really be any part of your world...

    And she'd have to be broken up for at least 6 months before I'd risk having my heart broken when she goes back to him again.

    You are a man of worth - I would be proud to have you date my daughter (ok, if I had one!) please don't spend so much time with a girl who cheats on her boyfriend that you end up with a girl who cheats on You...

     
    Old 12-07-2005, 05:52 PM   #22
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    wow, I just read this whole thread...took a little while! The outcome doesn't look too good for you though mate, you definitely need to cut off that right arm.

     
    Old 12-08-2005, 03:54 AM   #23
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Hi Ruth6:11 and gemma16 I am grateful for your frank replies. There's little point skirting round the issues in matters of the heart. But that doesn't mean to say that your thoughts aren't painful for me to read The situation really is rubbish!

    Ruth6:11, you're absolutely correct that I have control of myself. It's me that has developed this attraction to her and I should be capable of opening my eyes and realising that it is based in idealism as opposed to something genuine and good. I can see that she is trouble, as she openly admits, yet it does little to put me off her The problem is I got to know her as a friend first and judging from her integrity as a friend, one would expect her to make a lovely girlfriend. She is kind to everyone, always bouyant and happy-go-lucky, and generally a lot of fun to be around.

    I have this belief that she will be faithful to the right guy. In fact, I have seen her be 100% faithful to one guy since I've known her; although, he let her down very badly and I think that affected her attitude towards men, at least in the short term. And you are right that I would have to see that she wouldn't return to her boyfriend again if they split up again before allowing myself to get any further attached to her. I don't deal well at all with infidelity. In fact, it's making sick just to think that I played a part in her cheating on her boyfriend.
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    Old 12-18-2005, 10:25 AM   #24
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Hey everyone

    Yet again I find myself replying to my own post but again I feel the need to put my thoughts down in words, so I don't even care if I get a reply!

    On Wednesday we went to the cinema together with friends and when I left her place afterwards I didn't even try to kiss her; I only hugged her goodbye. The whole evening felt really good. We sat together and I she was turning to me throughout the film and smiling at me. The next day she sent me a message to say thank you for a lovely evening. Reading between the lines I think she meant thank you for not expecting too much and for being patient.

    On Friday we went to our work's Christmas party together. Several people kept pestering us both about when we would ever get together and how good we looked together. After the meal and formalities we stayed up all night chatting to our boss in her hotel room. I went out for fresh air at one point and, as I hoped, she followed me. Then we did kiss. And she told me that the only reason she goes to work is to see me and that she'd been interested in me from the start. She said it was frustrating to hear everyone telling us what we already know and we agreed that it was a shame that we have to work together but neither of us wrote off the idea of something happening between us. It felt good to hear such things but I knew that things were not going to be simple.

    After the boss dropped us off at her place we laid down on her sofa together and kissed and chatted for about an hour and a half. She seemed to be very contented and reassured me that it wasn't the alcohol or the coke talking (we hadn't had any for hours by this point) when she told me that she didn't know why she was with her boyfriend and not me. She said that she wouldn't mind being together even with the work issue but that I would have to be patient because of the delicate nature of her current relationship. She doesn't want to leave him at the moment because he is otherwise practically alone at Christmas and New Year.

    At this point I started to feel terrible about the whole situation. Say she does leave him for me. Well, he will know that she didn't want to be with him over Christmas and that she was just being sensitive, which I know from experience is worse than just being dumped. And of course I feel guilty myself. This guy is a waste of space but I've still walked in and stolen his girlfriend. Worse still, I'm beginning to wonder if that's even what I want...

    I was having a chat with another colleague on Friday and she was telling me how all the girls think I am a great guy and that I deserve a loving, faithful girl. She is correct. I've always wanted to meet just one girl and be with her forever. It's naive and idealistic but it's what I want. I don't want someone who has given themself away cheaply in the past. I would never do it so why should I settle for someone who has? This girl has clearly slept with a lot of blokes and cheated on her boyfriends. I beginning to think it's not worth risking my heart for someone like that.

    Last night I went into town to meet up with her and our mates. She was a bit standoffish mainly because she knew her boyfriend was around. He did indeed turn up and promptly ignored her and went away again. Genius. We all went into a different bar and were happily chatting, dancing etc. until her serious ex boyfriend came up and cornered her for a "Christmas chat". Before I knew what was happening she said she was leaving and darted out of the door, obviously upset. I gave her five and then called her. She was crying. I've never known her to cry before. I offered to give her space but she said she would like me to come and be with her.

    She was sat outside in the cold still crying. Her ex had told her he still loves her. They split up about a year ago after she cheated on him. She says she still loved him at the time but that she was fed up of his lazy attitude (no job, spending all day smoking weed, typical loser). When he told her he still loved her she told him that she still liked him but that nothing could happen between them unless he changed. He didn't like hearing that so he stormed off. She was crying because she felt like she looked like the guilty party all over again just for criticising his attitude.

    I drove her home and did my best to make her feel better. I ended up crying myself because I realised how rubbish the whole situation was. I have got myself so deeply besotted with this girl and she is more entangled with the many men in her life than I could ever conceive. I was basically crying because this episode further eroded my faith in the whole "one partner for life" ideal of mine. It makes me sick to think of all the guys she knows who only befriend her for one thing. At this point I knew that I was going to back off big time. She doesn't need more complication in her life and I don't need someone who is the complete opposite of what I want.

    I don't think any of the above makes much sense and I doubt it flows but it reflects the complex nature of the last couple of days for me. I think I need to forget about girls for a bit.
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    Old 12-18-2005, 11:04 AM   #25
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ErimusValidus
    At this point I started to feel terrible about the whole situation. Say she does leave him for me. This guy is a waste of space but I've still walked in and stolen his girlfriend. Worse still, I'm beginning to wonder if that's even what I want...I don't want someone who has given themself away cheaply in the past. I would never do it so why should I settle for someone who has? This girl has clearly slept with a lot of blokes and cheated on her boyfriends. I beginning to think it's not worth risking my heart for someone like that.

    She sat outside in the cold crying. Her ex.......she cheated on him. She was fed up of his lazy attitude (no job, spending all day smoking weed, typical loser). I ended up crying myself because I realised how rubbish the whole situation was. I have got myself so deeply besotted with this girl and she is more entangled with the many men in her life than I could ever conceive. I was basically crying because this episode further eroded my faith in the whole "one partner for life" ideal of mine. It makes me sick to think of all the guys she knows who only befriend her for one thing.


    Hi ErimusValidus I have been following your posts for a while and this last post is almost so prophetic in the sense that it shows how you have fallen into the same exact situation as all the other guys in her past have. What exactly do you see that is attractive about this woman that leads you to believe that she is the type of woman who will be good for you, who will be giving, attentive, trustworthy, loving, sensitive, compassionate, and most of all faithful??? I think that you have fallen into her spell like all the other guys. It's so transparent and right before you how this girl has nothing good to offer you in terms of a relationship and only takes away any hope you may have of finding someone special that you deserve so long as you hold onto the emotional tie you have to her. It's time to end this if there is any chance at your finding happiness and I think you already know it.

    I think that you know that it is time to let go of seeing this girl as anything more than a coworker who has issues to work through. Unless you can become emotionally detached from her I see no way that you can even remain friends with her without her taking away from you.

    I know that you find her attractive and perhaps see yourself as saving her from the problems she is facing (which by the way are of her own doing)....but I do not see you being able to help her without losing yourself in the process of doing so. Think about it.....you are taking away any chance of meeting the girl that you deserve so long as you are wrapped up emotionally with her.

    You sound like a really nice guy who many women would love to have as their BF, however, that is not going to happen so long as you are emotionally involved with this girl. Walk away so you can find your own happiness. You shouldn't be crying, I know you care, but it's time for you to look out for yourself & your own heart.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 12-18-2005 at 11:10 AM.

     
    Old 12-27-2005, 04:46 PM   #26
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Hey goody2shuz Sorry for not responding to your reply in the first place. To answer this question:

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    What exactly do you see that is attractive about this woman that leads you to believe that she is the type of woman who will be good for you, who will be giving, attentive, trustworthy, loving, sensitive, compassionate, and most of all faithful???
    What I see isn't tangible; it is simply idealised in my imagination. I am becoming increasingly cynical but I am a born romantic and I believe that everyone is capable of falling in love, no matter what their previous attitude towards relationships might have been. I nurture the hope that Sara is slowly falling in love with me and that one day soon she's going to realise it and realise how important it is to hold on to that by showing me some commitment and intending to honour it for the foreseeable future. That's what I hope. And this hope is based, to a certain extent, in a realistic perception of Sara.

    She is a giving person; she is not selfish as far as her friends and family are concerned. She could be more attentive (I'll go on to that) where I am concerned but I am sure that if we were officially an item then she would be more attentive to me. Trustworthyness is a sticking point. I know that she has cheated on previous boyfriends, and hasn't come clean. Yep, that doesn't bode well, I know. And she has told me that the main reason she couldn't go out with me is because she wouldn't like to risk hurting me by cheating on me, because she realises how much pain it would cause me. But she has also told me that she really would like to remain faithful if the right guy came along.

    I haven't fully allowed myself to discover how loving and commpassionate she can be because I am afraid that I won't want to let go when I find out; I don't doubt she could make me feel incredibly special and, over time, very loved. Her sensitivity, however, is another sticking point, which takes me back to her attentiveness. Sometimes I wonder how she can be so insensitive. The reason why I came to post here was because she is being incredibly insensitive right now I last saw her on the 23rd when we finished work early and went to the pub for a Christmas drink. We agreed that we would exchange Christmas presents in the next few days but we didn't make firm plans.

    Well, guess what - I've barely heard from her! She invited me for a drink on Christmas Eve but I was busy so I made my excuses. On Christmas Day I sent her a message to wish her Merry Christmas and she replied and asked me what presents I had recieved. So I told her and asked her the same question but she didn't get back to me. No biggy. But on Boxing Day I sent her a message to suggest that we meet up the next day (today) to exchange presents. And I still haven't heard from her. It's been more than a day since I sent the message and she hasn't even acknowledged it. That's where her sensitivity bothers me. I find it extremely rude that she hasn't considered how this must be making me feel!

    But the thing is, it's out of character for her. And I know that there's a lot going on in her head, as you may recall from my last post. Last week (after her ex-boyfriend had confessed that he still loves her) she was quiet and guarded. At first I thought I had upset her but she reassured me that we were cool and that she would be alright in due course. Now I am beginning to think that she is not alright and it upsets me that she won't come to me for support and advice. She can trust me to lend an impartial ear, as a friend - nothing more. I hate to think that she feels she can't confide in me because we are now romantically entangled. I'd much rather keep her as a friend and lose her as a potential girlfriend than lose her all together.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    I know that you find her attractive and perhaps see yourself as saving her from the problems she is facing (which by the way are of her own doing)....
    Lastly, to respond to the above, I am beginning to realise that she is the maker of most of her problems (something which she had blinded me to in the past). And I don't deny that I do harbour a sense of wanting to be the one to save her. And if we're getting really psychological about this, then I think that notion might stem from my only previous serious relationship. I was deeply in love with a girl with whom I had gone through school and half way through university she left me, claiming she had fallen out of love with me. I gradually found out that she had practically slept with a new guy every month since leaving me, and that she took pride in telling people that she had had sixteen sexual partners (it'll be twenty-plus now).

    This nearly destroyed me because (although I knew she wasn't a virgin when we first slept together), she always told me that she wished she had been, and that we would always be together. I only slept with her because I believed that to be true, and now I wish I was still a virgin so I could have back my chance to be a one-woman guy, which is all I ever wanted. So maybe I see Sara as a chance to convert a wayward girl to monogamy and redeem that terrible farce. Or maybe I am just attracted to her because she has cared for me so much over the last year. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that it's 12.45 am and I can't sleep because I have been waiting 27 hours for a reply to a freaking text message!
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    Old 12-27-2005, 04:57 PM   #27
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    I just thought - she could be keeping quiet because she hasn't got me a Christmas present! I know she hadn't managed to track down what she wanted to get me by last Friday. Well, if that's the reason then she's got to get to know me better 'cos I don't care if all she gives me is a half-chewed chocolate santa! I've still got the first present she ever gave me and that was a paperclip bracelet
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    Old 12-28-2005, 05:42 PM   #28
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    Re: Falling for my Colleague

    Well, I got to the bottom of things today. This morning I recieved a call from my boss at work asking me for some advice (so much for the holidays ) and I took the opportunity to ask if Sara was at work. It turned out she was, and my boss asked if I wanted him to get her to call me (he knows we are good friends). I told him I just wanted to say "Hi". But I was hoping for a call or at least a message all day. It didn't come I resolved I would call her by 19.30 to see if she was okay, bearing in mind I sent her that message days ago.

    But at 17.35 she called and asked if she could come over to give me my Christmas present. I was in the middle of eating dinner but that didn't matter. I told her I would love to see her and she was here twenty minutes later, wearing her usual nervous smile at the door. I didn't greet her with a kiss, especially in view of that look on her face which conveys a sense that she feels bad for seeing me behind her boyfriend's back (but, more promisingly, a sense that she is very happy to see me). I invited her up to my room where I had her presents.

    I was annoyed with myself that I didn't manage to think of anything particularly original to get her (toiletries...) because she bought me a glowing clubbing whistle (great idea for me ) and a water rocket! She seems to like buying me toys (it was Lego and Top Trumps for my birthday)! I'm 22 but I think she recognises my desire to hang on to my childhood for as long as possible. That she pays attention to these things is really encouraging to me. Anyway, I half expected her to leave after we swapped presents but she seemed content to stay for a bit.

    I made her a cup of tea and we returned to my room and chatted for two hours. She told me some worrying stuff, though I learned that she hadn't replied to my message because she had been helplessly high at the time. She thought she had only taken speed on Boxing Day night but she suspects she had also taken a handful of pills because she had been noshing on the inside of her mouth. Her drug use is my biggest concern. When I'm with her I can look after her and she tends to take it a bit easier. But when I'm not there she has a habbit of overdoing it and having large black spots in her memory.

    However, she did tell me that she doesn't want to get so wasted again for a long while. Not I believe she will stick to that resolution; she is too easily swayed by her "friends", some of whom I believe are good, yet scatty, people but others who I distrust. I think it's time I organised a few things for us to do at weekends to keep her out of trouble for a while. I intend to enlist us on a rock climbing course which I know she will love, and no narcotics will be involved! But I will also suggest some clubbing nights because I think if I have organised it she will feel a responsibility not to get off her face. I hope so anyway.

    But back to my bed. I got the sense that she didn't really want to go. She did that thing of saying she had to go and then staying for a further fifteen minutes, and then again so that it was half an hour before she actually got ready to go. We were talking about anything and everything and even played with pipe cleaners (don't ask) for a bit, but I didn't have the guts to discuss us. I so badly want to know where I stand but at the same time I am afraid to ask her in case it puts too much pressure on the situation. That's why I didn't fully tell her how it made me feel that she had basically ignored my message. It's the wrong footing to get off on, I know.

    Oh well, all that mattered to me was that she came to see me and seemed to enjoy my company as usual. When she did eventually leave I decided that I would take my chance and give her a thank you kiss for my presents. My brother almost ruined the moment by coming downstairs at precisecly the wrong time but I think he realised his faux pas and retreated So on the cold doorstep as I was saying goodbye I pulled her towards me and kissed her and she turned an intended cheek kiss into a kiss on the lips. And then we hugged like we always do where it feels like neither of us ever want to let go, and we both wish we had done that instead of sitting side my side for two hours

    Later on she sent me a message about pipe cleaners and I made a joke in response. And then after eleven I sent her a goodnight message and I am a bit worried that it might have been a bit too serious. I thanked her for the presents again and I told her that I hope she knows that I like her a lot, and I called her "cherub" which was a daft choice of word! But it was tempered by calling her "Spock" (in reference to her Mr. Spock ear which I was studying earlier). I hope that she hasn't been put off by the message. I will be able to gauge it tomorrow because she said she will e-mail me from work. I told her I will send her a photo of my rocket in flight! So it's time for this boy to tuck himself up in bed for another day of tiring excitement
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