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    Old 12-30-2005, 02:58 PM   #31
    Nina000
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Thank you Summer!!!! Do you really think that I am rushing??? You might be right but I just fear his for-ever loss sooo much that I am trying to convince myself? maybe that things will be better. Well, he's right next to me now so I have to be quick....but thank you ....I am addicted to these boards

    Last edited by Nina000; 12-30-2005 at 03:00 PM.

     
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    Old 12-30-2005, 06:38 PM   #32
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    Thank you Summer!!!! Do you really think that I am rushing??? You might be right but I just fear his for-ever loss sooo much that I am trying to convince myself? maybe that things will be better. Well, he's right next to me now so I have to be quick....but thank you ....I am addicted to these boards
    Haha--you're not the only one with the addiction

    Ok, what do you feel deep in your heart? Do you feel he's "the one"? I don't have much experience in this area, but my sister ,who's married, said she just "knew it." I've heard that from other people too. On the other hand, my good friend said she wasn't entirely head over heels with the guy she married, and that she was actually terrified, but once they got married, she fell completely in love wiht him. Ok, that was supposed to clarify things, not confuse you, so I'm shutting up NOW!

     
    Old 01-01-2006, 04:58 PM   #33
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Hi Sophia and everyone,

    First I hope that you all have a fantastic New Year. I myself had a terrible start and I am SO hurt. I just feel like my relatonship with him is swinging high and low. Maybe I should have second thoughts on this marriage issue....

    Yesterday started so perfectly, in the morning I received my grant cheque of 1000 pounds so I went to the centre and bought a very nice coat, and shoes. I am not that into money but it makes me feel good having it, esp that I was invited to my Bf's local pub to celebrate New Year with his family and I wanted to look nice. They have this tradition of meeting up at their local pub, then going back home at 11:30 for a meal...

    The evening started off so wonderfully, I met his brother and his brother's GF for the first time..He's his only and younger brother...He's so sweet and lovely..(so attractive ) he's got a PhD in Chemistry and he's going to America soon..Otherwise I would have swapped brothers I also met his sister for the first time...I was pleasantly surprised with how nice these people are, his sister's friends, his old school\mates.They told him that I was gorgeous hahaa..I don't mean to me mean but I think I was..His 70-year-old neighbour came up to us and he told him that he wantedto chat me up Everyone was absolutely great to me and I had so much fun.

    We couldn't stay in a hotel because there was literally no vacancy within ten miles from where we were. So his sister offered us her house...which was fabulous, in the afternoon we went to his mum's and had a coffee. His dad was kissing me and hugging me all the time and he showed me all the decorations that he had put up...he was GREAT and he drove us back....I mean it's the first time in 4 years I felt that I had a family here..I was overwhelmed

    Well, the problem started when we returned. We were in a restaurant and he started drinking very irresponsibly. I didn't want to spoil it for him (I thought it's New Year day), but he did because he just got bladdered that he couldn't stand on his feet!!!!!! I think that he was feeling very guilty for not ringing his son, don't know why he didn't...so I offered him my mobile, and he refused...suddenly got up , and just left me alone in the restaurant. (even before the meals arrived...I came back to the flat really REALLY hurt and tearful, just didn't want to argue...He came back an hour later to tell me that he rang his ex (he didn't speak to his son?), and that she was nice?????? and he asked her when was she coming over here??????

    I felt sick and so disappointed then, absolutely sick...I guess that he was feeling guilty but why should I feel guilty and pay for every moment of happiness that I live with him?

    BTW, in his sister's and in his mum's there were photos of his son everywhere, even in the bedroom in which we slept.

    He tried to kiss me and apologise but I can't forgive him for spoiling it!!!!!!!!!he is asleep now and I can't sleep!!!!!!! I think his behaviour was out of order towards the end, don't you guys think so?
    Sorry for the long post....Just needed to vent

    Last edited by Nina000; 01-02-2006 at 11:03 AM.

     
    Old 01-02-2006, 10:48 AM   #34
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    I loved someone who was my metaphysical soulmate - not just a romantic one.
    He was also alcoholic - with other issues.
    He promised to change but never could, and things got slowly but steadily worse.

    I could love him - but I could no longer be with him.
    He died last year at age 48 of the results of alcoholism & drugs.
    No one can say that I don't love him, but I had the choice to live a better life and I took that chance. I've been married for 16 yrs now to a really really great guy who I love very much.

    Love is fine. But think about the days, and weeks, and months, and years ahead of you also...

     
    Old 01-02-2006, 11:28 AM   #35
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Nina, I think the drinking problem is due to the fact the HE can't let go of his past. We all blamed the ex, but the true blame lies with your man. Why else would his family all of the sudden adore you, when before you thought they didn't want you around?

    I thought it odd that they sent such nice gifts to you and it sounded as if some of them were sorry you weren't there. I think he is the one who makes it sound as if his family would rather you stay home and the ex be there for holidays. When in fact it is HE and maybe his mom that wants the ex there. He then comes home to you and feels guilt so he is extra loving and kind.

    I am sorry to be saying such harsh things, but I just feel you are stuck on a horrible emotional roller coaster and I think you are smart enough to see you need to exit this ride. Any man who walks out on a woman he claims to love enough to marry, during a meal or any other time, to call an ex and tell her to "come down" is got serious issues.

    Being drunk is not an excuse either, as he was in control enough to get up and leave the resturaunt and to dial the phone..............

     
    Old 01-02-2006, 11:32 AM   #36
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    His behaviors were as out of order as you will allow yourself to endure. He will likely not change so it is likely you that will have to either accept him as he is and all that he does or not. Hard as these decisions are, they rarely are more complicated than that. They only get complicated when we insist on staying with a person that does not show loving behaviors such as respect, dedication, committment, support, caring, character, etc. If all these are not now shown, don't marry hoping they will be later.

     
    Old 01-02-2006, 11:56 AM   #37
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Nina, I am so sorry that your fiance ruined your New Year. My heart goes out to you being in such a tough situation and feeling that you are at a crossroads and facing such a large amount of uncertainty at this point in your life. However, if there is anyway that you can put off marriage for the time being, I would strongly suggest that you do so. To be honest, I think you deserve a lot better treatment than your fiance has shown you, and I also think you deserve a partner who never makes you question whether or not you want to be with him and one who has a lot less baggage. If I recall correctly, it wasn't too long ago that you were debating whether or not to stay with him at all, let alone get married, because of how he'd been acting so irresponsible with money, how his mother seemed desperate to break you guys up and get him back together with his ex, how he drinks too much and then acts like a jerk to you, how he seems unable to let go of and come to terms with his past, especially his ex, how he is mooching off you financially while splurging extravagantly on gifts for other people, and on and on and on.

    I know it might sound weird to say that you might be rushing this decision about marriage considering how long you have been together, but I still think you should hold off and spend some more time seriously considering whether he is a man you want to be permanently enjoined to for the rest of your life. Marriage is very difficult as it is without having to deal with the obstacles of a meddling, would be sabotaging mother in law, major issues with his kid and ex who wants to get back with him and has his mother working with her to achieve this goal on top of dealing with a man who drinks too much and isn't at all responsible when it comes to spending and saving money. My advice would be to read through all your past posts and give yourself a good chunk of time to think through everything without having a marriage date looming and forcing you to make a decision before you are 100% certain that this is the man with whom you want to spend your life. Is there any way that you can postpone the wedding indefinitely without incurring any financial penalties or being barred from living in the UK? If so, I hope you seriously consider doing so and that you rethink whether your fiance is truly the right husband for you. I personally think you deserve better and know that sometimes it can be really tough to see that our current loves aren't the best permanent partners, but you are obviously in a much better position to determine that and only your opinion on the issue really matters in the end. Still, if you are having the kind of doubts you've expressed lately, it seems to me that it can't hurt to wait when it comes to marriage...usually getting married only magnifies existent problems in a relationship, so if you have any concerns about him whatsoever, it would probably be smart to wait and see how those issues get resolved before making a lifelong legal commitment (not to mention assuming his present and future debts and any financial obligations he may have to his ex and child). It is a lot easier to wait and get married sometime in the future should you decide that is what is truly best for you in the long run (not just what your heart and emotions are telling you is best right now) than it is to get divorced and separate yourself from him legally, financially, and emotionally should you get married and later change your mind.

    Anyway, Nina, I am sorry to be negative about this, and I really hope that everything works out for the best for you. I also apologize if my own experiences with guys' scheming families have influenced my opinions about your relationship, and I really hope that I have not been overly pessimistic about your situation. I have a tendency to be overprotective and overcautious when it comes to people who I care about and who I want the best for making decisions that they might end up regretting...anyway, I only want the best for you and for you to be happy, whatever that entails, and I know that only you can know what that is. No matter what you decide, I wish you all the contentment and satisfaction in the world, and I will keep my fingers crossed that everything works out really well for you no matter how you choose to proceed with your fiance. Good luck and take care, sweetie!

     
    Old 01-02-2006, 02:52 PM   #38
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Thank you SO much Music4All, Shelly, and Stacy....Guys, I feel like you are my great cyber family, and your opinions are as important to me as my mum's and dad's are!!!!

    Stacy, I can't thank you enough for all your great support and wisdom. Despite you being younger than me, I feel that I learn from each and every post you write, and no Stacy, you are not pessimistic, you are just realistic. I am absolutely amased by the attitude of your ex's family. I know that they did him the biggest disservice imaginable by not embracing you as a member of their family, but Stacy he doesn't deserve you girl I hope that in 2006 you will have the man who appreciates fully what treasure you are.

    You are all right....I have got to think about this issue more, there are dates set, but there are no considerable consequences of changing them..I have my student visa till the end of the year, so I am not greatly worried about having to leave immediately, and I probably have enough time to re-evaluate everything. I was in tears the whole day and under a lot of stress. I don't know why. He was in work for 10 hours, and the server was down so he couldn't contact me by email. I had stomachache due to anxiety problems and I felt that I was unhappy. I have relaxed now and I am just trying to postpone thinking at least till the weekend. I feel overloaded with negative feelings...suddenly...and I have hardly had any sleep last night. I still feel hurt and without having to re-read any of my posts, I can just replay evrything in my mind right now. I was even thinking of my experience with my ex the whole day, that's how bad I felt...

    Thank you again everyone, you are all great
    ((((((all)))))))))))))))))))

    Last edited by Nina000; 01-02-2006 at 02:54 PM.

     
    Old 01-02-2006, 10:52 PM   #39
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    ((((((((Nina)))))))), you are such a sweetheart! I hope you know how much I (and I'm positive that I am not alone in feeling this way) care about you and want only the best for you, along with all the happiness you can possibly find. It breaks my heart to think of you going through such a stressful and uncertain time while essentially all alone, except for your fiance and people you know through him, studying in a foreign country. It's incredibly brave of you, not to mention very impressive in terms of what it demonstrates about your intelligence, determination, work ethic, and drive to succeed, to attain your Phd halfway across the world and already have a job lined up for when you graduate! Thatís extraordinarily impressive for anyone to have achieved, but it is far more amazing when one considers that you are doing this entirely on your own in a foreign nation where you knew next to no one and that you have succeeded in reaching not only your academic and career goals but also have achieved your romantic and social goals. You have SOOO much to be proud of, Nina, and I hope you are giving yourself all the credit you deserve for everything you have accomplished while up against daunting and significant obstacles.

    Maybe instead of looking back, it might help you (and us) to think more clearly about what choices make the best sense for your future if you wouldnít mind elaborating a bit further on when you plan to graduate, when you plan to leave the UK and for how long, when and if you plan to come back, where youíd like to be and what youíd like to be doing in the long run, and your fianceís answers to these same questions if he has reached any conclusions about them, even tentative decisions that he has yet to finalize or decide on for sure. It really sounds like you have a well thought out plan for your future, your career, and your life in general, at least for the next few years, and I admire that immensely (and must admit that Iím a bit jealous, as I bet most people fresh out of school or quickly approaching their graduation dates are as well). So many ex-students donít have a clear idea of what they want to do and when and where they want to go it once they graduate, and while it isnít necessarily better to have a plan like yours, it certainly doesnít hurt in your quest to achieve your goals promptly . Itís probably worth giving considerable thought to whether or not your fiancť is approaching his future agenda and goals in the same focused, organized, and determined manner as you and to what extent you and he fit neatly and smoothly into the otherís life plans, particularly where geography is concerned.

    The one situation in which Iíd advise you to go ahead and get married without taking more time to reflect and see how things progress within your relationship is if you need to marry your fiancť ASAP in order to be able to stay in England and not be sent back to your home country permanently if thatís not where you plan on settling in the long run. But if you donít have any pressing and immediate logistical reason why you HAVE to get married soon, I still think that it makes a lot more sense to hold off on tying the knot until you are completely sure that is what you want, as it is so much easier to get married sometime in the future than to extract yourself from a marriage if you later decide you have made a mistake in choosing your husband. My main concern is that you are such an extraordinary and amazing woman that you deserve a man who enriches your life and inspires you rather than causing you any anxiety, concerns, or discomfort. You have your life organized and directed to such an advanced and impressive extent that it would be a shame for you to settle for a man who doesnít compliment you in this rather than drag you down in the slightest emotionally, financially, or professionally.

    Again, only you know how well you and your fiancť mesh and compliment each other, but from your previous posts, I canít help but worry that his overall influence on your life may be more negative than positive, which when it really comes down to it, in my view at least, is what determines whether or not a relationship is worth seriously pursuing in the long run. If someone brings a lot more happiness, encouragement, inspiration, and optimism than negativity, sadness, fear, doubt, or worry to your life, then itís a pretty good bet that such a person will make an excellent partner and a wonderfully enriching and fulfilling permanent addition to your life. If the converse is true, however, and a particular relationship seems to bring more negative effects than positive effects to your life, then thatís a pretty strong indication that the other person isnít the right partner for you in the long term.

    Anyway, Nina, I am just so sorry and heartbroken for you having to go through such a challenging and painful period in your life trying to figure out what to do in your relationship along with facing a major turning point in terms of graduating, starting your career, contemplating a potential move, etc. You poor thingóyou are such a sweet, caring woman who doesnít remotely deserve to be going through such stress and emotional turmoil as you are feeling now, and my heart totally goes out to you. I can completely understand why you are feeling confused, unsure, and strained, and I want to sincerely apologize for any part my post may have played in exacerbating these incredibly difficult emotions when that is the absolute last thing you need right now. As I said earlier today on Sophiaís thread, Iím starting to realize that sometimes the most helpful loving response to someone we care about who is struggling through personal challenges and obstacles is just to provide unconditional love, concern, and support without telling that person how to proceed or even offering an opinion on what future course of action would be best. Itís hard for me not to do so, but I do want to let you know that I think youíre amazing, that you deserve nothing less than the very best husband and partner available and should never settle for anything less, and that I will be here to wish you well and support you unconditionally no matter what choices you make and regardless of what steps you take in your relationships and in your life otherwise.

    And just one more opinion I canít resist reiterating : your fianceís family is at least every bit asóand in my view, far moreóstupid, stubborn, completely short-sighted and selfish when it comes to protecting and advancing your exís best interests by failing to enthusiastically and wholeheartedly embrace you into their family, make you feel completely welcomed, and encourage him forcefully to close the door for good on any past attachments (like the one his mother idiotically keeps alive and is actually cruel and mean-spirited enough to repeatedly try and rekindle using any manipulative tactics she can scheme up). The fact your fianceís family canít see just how incredibly fortunate and blessed he is to have found such an amazing woman who loves him with a degree of devotion, commitment, and passion that few men are EVER lucky enough to experience. No matter what you ultimately decide to do regarding your current relationship, please trust me when I say that any man would be incredibly fortunate to enjoy your love and if he was wise and intelligent enough to be worthy of you, heíd realize what an unusual and impressive partner you are. I have a very strong feeling that you are one of a few very lucky women out there (I have yet to meet more than a few others who click this way with men as I do in my real life) with a combination of qualities that make men love you and fall very hard very quickly if they manage to capture your interest. So please keep in mind that for you, there is ABSOLUTELY no need to settle and no doubt that if a certain boyfriend doesnít truly make you happy and possess the qualities youíre searching for, another one will soon come along who will be thrilled for the chance to prove how much he loves you. You deserve nothing less than the very best, Nina, and I promise that Iím not just saying that because youíve always been so sweet and complimentary towards me! I really think that you are an extraordinary woman who deserves a man who is no less impressive, which I believe also holds true for the vast majority of the other women here, whether or not they are currently in relationships and regardless of what their present relationships are like. You ladies are the best, and I love you lots!

     
    Old 01-03-2006, 04:36 AM   #40
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    There are issues to do with him having a child to a very nasty ex,
    and a mum who loses sight of everything for the sake of her grandson.
    He also sometimes drinks excessively.
    his attitude to spending money leaves him always skint.
    This is what I keep going back to in your original post.
    And why delaying a marriage would be to your benefit. A LIFETIME of this?
    Accepting that NONE of this will change?
    Take time to think with your head and with any future children you will have.
    I wish you the best.

     
    Old 01-03-2006, 08:00 AM   #41
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    I loved someone who was my metaphysical soulmate - not just a romantic one.
    He was also alcoholic - with other issues.
    He promised to change but never could, and things got slowly but steadily worse.

    I could love him - but I could no longer be with him.
    He died last year at age 48 of the results of alcoholism & drugs.
    No one can say that I don't love him, but I had the choice to live a better life and I took that chance. I've been married for 16 yrs now to a really really great guy who I love very much.

    Love is fine. But think about the days, and weeks, and months, and years ahead of you also...
    Ruth, thank you for your replies, and I am deeply sorry that you had to suffer at the hands of someone you were very much in love with!! Unfortunately, I too know this feeling, especially so with my ex.
    It's true that he is still alive but he actually lost his life.He lost his job, his house, and was about to lose his freedom if I had pressed charges against him. What a waste of life!!! He was such an intelligent smart person, but he was a slave to his drinking..
    The difference is I was FORCED by extreme and nasty circumstances into breaking up with him, unlike you who took the most difficult but rewarding decision. It took me countless nights of aching pain and physical distance to come to terms with what happened.
    That is why Ruth I freak out when Dave drinks...I was left psychologically and mentally damaged by my previous relationship...That is why the fear and anxiety heighten in my blood when I entertain breaking up with him, although I might have to accept that too sometime in the near future! I am hoping with all my heart that Dave is not going to reveal a similar pattern of alcoholism....Otherwise, it will be self-destruction to stay with him...

     
    Old 01-03-2006, 08:33 AM   #42
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Stacy, what a thoughtful thing of you to share your extraordinarily and pleasantly strong opinions with everyone on these boards!!! I print off your replies and read them because I really don't want to miss a word...
    Stacy, you really put my feelings in words better than I can do myself. Thank you also for believing that I can achieve something that is worth all the turbulence of emotions that I am going through. I am supposed to graduate this coming December, and I am actually in the period of writing up but I still have a lot to do. It will take me at least 10-hour work a day to achieve something that I will be proud of! I am doing research about the adoption of online education, and once I pass my VIVA, I will be given a month to fly back Home and teach in the university that sponsored my research. Of course, I can find a job in England and get better paid, but this means paying back 10s of thousands of pounds to my university which I simply can't afford. So if Dave marries me, then he will have to stay there 6 years. The thing that makes it bad is that, unless he works for a British Organisation or establishes his private business , his material situation is going to be worse. I have ruled out the second possibilty because it is just not in his nature to save money. This would also mean for him giving up a decent job for a top IT company. His PhD won't be affected because he's doing it from distance anyway. He's is analysing Lord of the Rings from a Marxist perspective. He is a great writer (but not as great as you are )

    I am not sure how determined he is (he's quite determined in terms of his PhD), he is kind of passive..I always tell him that he is sometimes frustratingly indecisive..Last night I was so upset, and he kept on asking me what do I think will happen to us. I don't know, I mean I know for sure that he loves me but he can't stand up for his decisions, and emotions, and he can't protect my feelings at all. I am willing to discuss things but I don't know as much as he does, and he sometimes asks me things like "do you think we should buy a house in England?" or something like that!

    As for his family, it is true that they were extremely kind to me, and I am grateful to them all for the greatest time on New Years Eve. However, I thought that I had to gain this, and to put great effort to be accepted. This shouldn't be the norm. I should not feel that they are doing me a favour by respecting my feelings. His mum put the phone down my face once during the first year I met him because I was in tears as she was urging her son to contact his ex (for no obvious reason)...I never will forget that. But I don't have any grudges for her. Like other posts suggested, he might have intentionally or not played a part in her attitude to me.

    Sorry about the long post and again Stacy, thank you for your words of encouragement and support, it means the world to me to have you guys around...
    lots of love

    Last edited by Nina000; 01-03-2006 at 08:43 AM.

     
    Old 01-05-2006, 03:19 PM   #43
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Nina, I just found your post because I wanted to update myself on what was going on. I am SO sorry that things have been so hard on you, sweetie. Having come from a broken and unstable home, I am usually a fan of marriage and staying together, but after reading so many of your posts, I am no longer sure this man is right for you. I am sorry to say Why would anyone who loves you and wants to marry you be ringing his ex in the middle of the night on New Years, just to talk to her?? Seems like he's still hung up on her, sorry to say. Obviously he couldn't have possibly thought his son would still be up at that hour. I now tend to think he allowed his mother and his ex to have such an influence on him because he wanted to. It looks like his sister, father, and other family members love you. So it's not even that he does not have the support of the majority of his family. It's only his ex and his mother that want to keep him in their clutches. And, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be putting enough effort to stay out of the ex's clutches. It looks like he is seeking her out willingly. As much as I HATE to say it. Nina, you are such a wonderful, smart, and I"m sure absolutely gorgeous, woman. You have to ask yourself if this is the situation you want to endure for the rest of your life, or if you want better. I will tell you first hand, it is NOT easy to be with a man who has an ex wife and children from the previous marriage. I tried it, gave it my best, it didn't work. Men seem to get so attached to their ex wives, no matter who left whom. they make it impossible to move forward. My ex divorced guy never introduced me to his child and would leave early on Sat. morning because he had to pick him up and did not want the ex to know that he was in a relationship with someone else. THis went on for a year, despite that fact that he was the one who left her and apparently, according to him, had no feelings left for her. Honestly, I would not date a divorced guy with children again unless he could prove that he is 100% serious about me and having a future with me. Did you ever discuss having your own kids together?

     
    Old 01-05-2006, 04:04 PM   #44
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    But Nina, I DO understand.
    Since he was an alcoholic when John would drink he would black out - not pass out. He would be walking & talking but would remember nothing the next day. He would also not remember the sexual violence forcing me to do whatever pornography tape was playing in his head.
    So, yes. 20 years later alcohol still makes me cringe.
    I would leave any man who was or became alcoholic because of the scars I bear.
    I didn't get out soon enough.
    But I can raise a red flag when my instinct tells me that someone they are posting about is alcoholic...
    And wish on everything that means anything that just one women won't say "but I love him" without adding "but I cannot be with him"...
    Ruth

    (angel flying too close to the ground)

     
    Old 01-05-2006, 04:17 PM   #45
    SophiaM
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    Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    But Nina, I DO understand.
    Since he was an alcoholic when John would drink he would black out - not pass out. He would be walking & talking but would remember nothing the next day. He would also not remember the sexual violence forcing me to do whatever pornography tape was playing in his head.
    So, yes. 20 years later alcohol still makes me cringe.
    I would leave any man who was or became alcoholic because of the scars I bear.
    I didn't get out soon enough.
    But I can raise a red flag when my instinct tells me that someone they are posting about is alcoholic...
    And wish on everything that means anything that just one women won't say "but I love him" without adding "but I cannot be with him"...
    Ruth

    (angel flying too close to the ground)
    Ok, I understand all of it, but IS he an alcoholic? Or does he just enjoy drinking from time to time? It might be a fine line, but there's a difference, I believe. In Europe, especially, people tend to drink a lot more than would be considered normal for an American. And it does not make them an alcoholic.

    To me, the major issue is his relationship with his ex. That doesn't seem completely resolved.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 01-05-2006 at 04:19 PM.

     
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