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    Old 02-27-2006, 08:09 AM   #1
    Murray67980
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    Emotional Relapse

    My boyfriend of 4 years (the man who told me he wanted to marry me) dumped me about a month and a half ago. I won't get into the whole story here because it has already been posted... Basically, he doesn't want to marry me...

    I had a very difficult 2 to 3 weeks after it happened but then I started to feel better. I still had a broken heart and I still missed him, but I didn't feel like my life was over and I was able to see that I do deserve better than him. I was focussing on school, work, exercise, friends, family... I felt good about myself and although I missed him, I was feeling better every day. This lasted for 3 weeks. I even made it through V-day without having a breakdown.

    Ok, now...all of a sudden its like it just happened again. I had a nice weekend. I don't know what sparked this depression that I feel now...
    Here is what I did, maybe you guys can tell me what may have sparked it....

    I live in my own apartment in the city and my little sister turned 12 on Saturday. So, I had her and 7 of her friends come have a sleepover party at my place. It was great! We did hair, make-up, truth or dare, ate pizza, stayed up all night... I felt like a 12 year old again and my sister was so happy. I felt good about being able to make her feel special for her B-day with all her school friends...
    Then yesterday, my best friend who has lived in NYC moved to Chicago (where I live). I have been really excited about him coming here especially since my boyfriend and I broke up. The more friends the better! He's single too, and I don't have many single friends so I was really happy that he was moving here. (and no, there is absolutly NOTHING romantic about our relationship...) We are only friends and always will be only friends.

    Anyway... here's my problem. I had a great weekend, and there is no reason I should feel more sad today than I did a week ago. But I do!
    When my sister and her friends were picked up from my place yesterday, as soon as the door closed behind them I started balling (I mean really crying!). I felt so alone.
    When it came time to pick my friend up from the airport, I could barely bring myself to do it. I didn't even think I could possibly put a smile on my face and act like I was ok... I did drag myself out (considering he's staying with me until his furniture arrives I kind of had to)... Thank God he was tired and went to bed early, because I was in no mood to talk. I cried myself to sleep and I actually prayed to God and asked him to not let me call my ex.
    I wanted to call him and beg him to give our relationship a 2nd chance. I miss him so much it physically hurts... I want to feel his arms around me. I want to feel loved by him again. He made me feel so loved and cherished I can't believe it wasn't real... I feel like I would do anything to have him back. I don't need marriage, or a house, or kids... I just want him.

    I cried all night and I feel only a little better today...
    I don't want to be at work, I don't want to go to school, I can't even imagine having fun and catching up with my friend tonight... I don't feel like I really care about anything.

    I do not like feeling this way. It's not like me. I know I am better than this but why are my emotions taking over like this?!?! I feel like a hostage in my own body...

    What is going on? I feel like I took one step forward and 10 steps back all in one night! I can understand feeling this way if I just found out that he's seeing someone else, or anything like that. But nothing even happened this weekend that was remotely related to my ex, or our relationship....


    Please, someone tell me that its normal to have emotional relapses like this after a break-up, and it will pass....
    I was feeling strong. Maybe not totally happy, but at least strong. Now I feel like I have nothing...
    God, I hope this is just a bad case of PMS or something.... He doesn't deserve for me to miss him like this!

    If you have made it this far, thank you for reading.... It probably doesn't make much sense. I'm not even thinking straight.

     
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    Old 02-27-2006, 08:24 AM   #2
    raaaaaaaaaar
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    Hey hun

    Dont worry at all, it happens to me too. I went through about a week of feeling loads better, happier, more confident and then just broke down one day. We all know that there are so many different and conflicting emotions at this time and there are so many different stages that we can go through at different times. I wouldn't worry about your "relapse", I think it is a positive sign actually because it shows you are grieving and letting the hurt out. Just remember, that your heart is healing, and you will have downs as well as ups, but every time you cry or scream or throw something (!) then you let a bit of grief out and you can feel strong again afterwards. I too have been frightened of letting myself cry sometimes because I am afraid I won't be able to stop, but I KNOW from experience that I can "break down" and then pick myself up afterwards and be strong again (even stronger than before I think). Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're doing really well, and allowing yourself to grieve is an important step. And don't worry about wanting to contact him - believe me I've felt like doing that soooo many times over the past couple of weeks, but the main thing is YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. You conquered the urge and that can only make you stronger. Try and listen to your head. Your heart's telling you that you want him back and you miss him etc but if you ask for your own advice then your head will tell you that contact is a bad idea and you will only regret it later. Congratulate yourself on being strong and not contacting him, and try to focus more on his bad points and precisely why YOU don't want HIM back rather than an idealised view of him.

    Chin up
    Ra
    xx

     
    Old 02-27-2006, 09:04 AM   #3
    Murray67980
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    Thank you raaaar,
    I feel better knowing that it's normal to have relapses like this. The weird part is how much I want him (and only him). Usually, when I have a "down" day, it's because I miss him and I miss having someone... But I can usually rationalize my feelings and tell myself that I deserve better. This time, I feel like I would actually give up my dreams just to have him back. I'll be a life long girlfriend. I won't have kids. I'll live wherever he wants to live. Anything, just to have him back.

    I am trying really hard to listen to my head and not my heart. I just hope these feelings pass soon. I'm ashamed of how I feel, but I am proud for keeping my dignity (at least to the outside world)...

    Thank you for your response! How have you been? Is it getting better for you?

     
    Old 02-27-2006, 09:14 AM   #4
    raaaaaaaaaar
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    Aww don't be ashamed of how you feel, we all go through these stages. I have been feeling a lot better thanks. I still have my down days, like on Saturday when I actually cried for like the whole day! I don't even know why! I sometimes feel the same as you - like I would get back with him in a second cos I still love him so much, but then a lot of the time I am looking back to how things really were with him and that I was actually unhappy quite a lot over the last few months of our relationship and I'm happy with the way my life is going at the moment - without him in it. It is very hard tho as I still feel as if I would love to share so much with him as I really thought that we would get settle down one day together, but I can also see (now that I have distanced myself from the situation for nearly 2 months now (wow!) ) that he is a different person to what I made him out to me and what I wanted him to me. He used to be kind, caring and generous but he's actually turned into an empty person who seems to act like a child most of the time. So it's kind of easier for me now to think about him and say to myself "hey... you can do so much better, you are WAY too good for this idiot of a man who couldn't appreciate the wonderful woman you are". But - I still do miss him and get upset, and it's hard to know when the sadness will fade away. I don't feel I am anywhere near over him, but I am learning to deal with the feelings better and I feel myself getting stronger

     
    Old 02-27-2006, 09:20 AM   #5
    charlatans
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    relapse- cycles- totally normal wish there was something to stop them but they do get better and you do feel more stable after a while hang in there chick xxx

     
    Old 02-27-2006, 05:34 PM   #6
    LostMyHeart
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    Yeah, it's sooo normal to have these relapses.
    And truthfully, for me it was always worse after having a "good day". Usually it'd be when I'd go visit my relatives, and we'd go out and have a good time for the night. Things would be fine, then the night'd start wearing on, and I'd feel worse and worse.
    I think it was because I only have those good times every so often, and they're pretty much a big fat reminder how empty I was really feeling, thinking "why can't I always feel like this?"

    I hope you will be feeling better again by the time you find this post. My best to ya!
    You are doing just fine!

     
    Old 02-27-2006, 08:36 PM   #7
    lady346
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    Murray-
    Hi there- its been a while. Im sorry to hear you're relapsing...trust me, ive been there, its all through these threads. Lately, Ive been doing really well though, and I owe it to my therapist that Ive been seeing, and to this new mini-crush that I have (its distracting and fun...dont know if it will amount to anything though, he is out-of-state til May). Have you thought about seeing a counselor? It has really helped me. It helps you sort through your thoughts surrounding your cycles of self-blame (at least, for me), and depression and anger and so forth. It really makes you rationalize stuff out and see the logical side of things, instead of just the emotional feelings. I really recommend it.

    I cried a week and a half ago over him, 1st time in 3 or so weeks, and I think it stemmed from my anger toward him and feeling of loneliness and rejection. after being out and missing what I used to have with him...but lately, I am feeling a lot of 'nothing' toward him. I am feeling that I might even be happier without him! My life is a lot less frustrating, a lot less sacrificial, and a lot more freeing for me now. When I hear new stuff about him here and there, it makes me feel physically ill for about, oh, 2.5 seconds, and then I say "I dont want to know" and it goes away. Overall, I try not to think about it, but if I do, I let myself feel the way I feel. Just ride with your feelings. Mine still come here and there, especially when I think about the possiility of my ex being happy forever and never feeling an ounce of what I felt. That makes me really mad and depressed (hence, my 'karma' thread).
    So, your feelings are normal. They are horrible and painful to experience, but I promise you that it does subside if you can do everything in your power to build yourself up and make your life enjoyable, as hard as it is sometimes. I still go through cycles of self-blame, but again, the therapy REALLY helps with that. It makes me realize that it wasn't my fault AT ALL, because I can really talk things out and realize that my self-blame makes no sense. I also learned through therapy that I will never find any answers to my questions, so I just have to accept that. Again, I had to talk that one out.
    And you know what? Dont be ashamed, even if you have to show it to the outside world (which I freely do!). Its how you feel. Yes, maybe you should be a little worried if this is continuing 7 months from now, but its still relatively early. I just hit the 3.5 month mark and Im feeling pretty good...so it will come. It is when you stop focusing on him and start focusing on NOT him that it gets easier (I hope that makes sense). Take the images of him and what you thougth would happen out of your mind. Put other thoughts in, or better yet, don't think about the future at all. Enjoy today. The hardest part for me is the idea of never getting any justice from this. The fact that he hurt me beyond belief, lied and betrayed me, and ruined my life for a few months and is happy with someone else through all of this. That is the thing that hurts the most- I'm over HIM. Just not what he did.
    All in all, you have to accept how you don't want this person and you are better than that, and then just enjoy yourself, your friends, and new guys on a low-level for fun (don't get too serious anytime soon), and I think it will come in time. I hope this helps!

     
    Old 02-28-2006, 06:02 AM   #8
    vintagegirl
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    We all relapse, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like the realization of things has just caught up with you for the first time since the breakup. You might have been in a little bit of shock when the whole thing went down initially. I generally relapse after seeing my ex at his place of work--a retail establishment I'd like to go to more often, but don't because of his stupid mug. If I do not have to be reminded of his mannerisms or hear his voice, I am fine. Well, I'm probably not really "fine" way deep down otherwise seeing/hearing him wouldn't bother me at all. But these are the things that do it for me. It is made 100x worse by his heartless flirting when he knows full well that he's never going to get back with me. He is the devil.

    Hormones can also be wicked things. When those pass, so does a lot of my sadness. I try to stay busy with my friends, work, hobbies, the bf I've had for almost a year now. Hang in there and post whenever you need to talk~!

     
    Old 02-28-2006, 08:03 AM   #9
    Murray67980
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    Re: Emotional Relapse

    Thanks guys!
    I am feeling a little bit better now. I think a lot of it had to do with pms actually... I get it bad sometimes. But I do know that the feelings are real, they are just more difficult to ignore at certain times.
    What makes it very difficult is, as I've mentioned, I work with my ex. I still see him every day and there are days that I can tell he's been crying himself. He looks at me with such sadness sometimes and still acts all concerned about me. I absolutly know that I cannot take him back even if I had the chance. This is the 2nd time he's dumped me!
    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! There will not be a 3rd time!
    But....I would be lying if I said it didn't make me feel better on those days that he does seem sad. I'm not sure if it is because I want him back, or I just want him to feel the pain I do. All I know is that it is very hard to move on and block him out of my mind when I still have to see him and act professional around him. The worst is when I see him and he's fine, laughing and acting like nothing has changed. There are even times that he jokes and flirts with me like he used to when we were together. I keep telling myself that I have to tell him to back off and only speak to me about work related issues. But then I think, it would even be more difficult to have him ignore me and act like he doesn't care...
    I'm so confused. I cannot quit my job until September. Its not an option.
    What would you guys do in this situation?

     
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