It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • He didn't choose me...

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-14-2006, 03:04 PM   #1
    justkeeppraying
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    justkeeppraying's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 122
    justkeeppraying HB User
    He didn't choose me...

    I just feel so awful right now. My story is this: My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 3.2 years. He's in my miliatary for a year of that time. I didn't want to be unfair to him so twice I've given him the option of having an "open relationship". He refused both times. Then in August, one month after he declined my proposal, he dumped me, said things weren't working, and that we were too far apart (He's stationed in Virginia). Then 4 days later he called and begged me to take him back. I did. Things were going good for a few months. I even went to visit him in October. Everything was good, we had a good time. Then at the end of November, he started acting different. He wouldn't tell me alot about his life, he acted distant, he didn't contribute much to our conversations, it was like "small talk". So I brought this up numerous times and he said he we tired of me always complaing. We broke up after a month of this, in December. I was heartbroken. I flew up there to surprise him for his 21st birthday, even though we weren't together, hoping we could get back together. Turns out a girl was living in his apartmen. He said he met her 2 months ago and loved her. He said he loved her to my face. I was crushed. I told him how I felt and he was cold, wouldn't sit next to me didn't want to answer my questions, then he dropped me off at the airport at the dropoff , he didn't even park his car and walk me in. He said I needed to move on, he gave me a "sincere" apology, and that it's time for us to move on. This was in January. I held onto hope until now that his relationship would fail and he would realize what he was missing and come back. I learned a few days ago that my ex and this girl got married after dating for six months which means that he was cheating. I feel so awful and betrayed and he even admitted to his best friend's mom that he was talking to us both at the same time. How could he do this? I'm down here faithful and waiting for him to come home from the military and the whole time he's lying and cheating on me. A couple times I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. Now that he's married, (to an illegal immigrant I might add) he no longer wants to talk to me or be friends. He even made it sound like it's all my fault for the breakup, because I "complained" too much about his behavior. It's hard to deal with because we hung out every single day for over two years and talked every day for over three years. And now we don't anymore. He married her and all this time he's been saying to me," when are you gonna come up here and live with me, I want to marry you, blah blah". He chose her, not me. He begged me to take him back and he was cheating when he did this. I feel mad at myself for the breakup. Maybe I shouldn't have complained so much about his different behavior and sucked it up. Does it sound like it was really my fault? Does it sound like I did anything wrong? Has this happened to anyone? It's just so weird... 3 months ago he said he was mine... now he's married... it hurts bad....ouch

    He was also my first boyfriend, kiss and everyting else that goes with that. So this is so disappointing.

    Thank you for any feedback that can be offered.

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 03-14-2006 at 03:13 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-14-2006, 03:27 PM   #2
    Hiya
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 1,566
    Hiya HB User
    Re: He didn't chose me...

    JKP, yes, I know it hurts very badly. I was very much in love with a man who I truly believed was my soul mate, he awas my first kiss, my first date, first holding hands, hugging, cuddling, my first everything, in fact my only real anything. I thought my future would be full of happiness, holidays, a nice home, love, companionships, children, laughter, etc all that good stuff. Then one day, poof. He just didn't "want to do this anymore." i could feel him pulling away from me for three, maybe four months before he left me, but the only thing I blame myself for is not leaving first. PLEASE do NOT blame yourself for talking to him about his distant, cold behavior. Trust me honey, that's NOT what drove him away. He was already gone, that's WHY he was behaving distant. I don't have words to tell you how angry it makes me when men turn off, start sleeping with someone else, them blame the woman they walked out on for him just not having the guts to deal with the situation directly. My ex swore he didn't cheat on me, but I guess I'll never really know for sure. Toward the end of the relationship he arranged it so that I wasn't around when he was playing gigs (he played guitar in a local rock band) and he had become very verbally and one time physically abusive, I think in a feeble attempt to run me off because he had dumped me twice, then came back asking me to take him back, and didn't have the guts to dump me again, and in fact insisted he wasn't dumping me, that it was mutual, even though he was calm and stoic and I was crying my head off. And the woman he married got her divorce finalized right around the same time he left me, and they moved in together less than a year later, so it does sound a little fishy to me, but you know what, that doesn't even matter. yes, it still hurts, and to be honest, I took it particularly hard, because of my sensibilities and just the way my mind and heart work, I never got over it. It left a pretty big scar that never healed.

    But the bottom line is, men and women just love differently. I strongly recommend the book "He's Just Not That Into You." It may feel a bit uncomfortable, but it tells the truth about men flat out in no uncertain terms and makes sense out of the crappy way they behave sometimes. Right here on these boards, a lady once told the story of when she and her boyfriend were out with their buddies riding bikes, and one of the guy's girlfriends called, and he lied to her over the phone right in front of them, told her he was working or something. They asked him why and he said "I just didn't feel like being around her today. I don't really love her, but I'm not ready to get rid of her." Men usually just don't see women as fellow human beings deserving of honesty and respect simply because they are human. They don't treat the wome they sleep with the same as they treat male buddies. It's sad, but something we women have to learn to live with. I also highly recommend the book "Why Men Love Bi***es." I tell you, if I had read these two books ten years ago, they would have saved my life. really important stuff.

    Anyway, even if you did make mistakes, were a little too naggy or clingy or whatever, you did the very best you could with what you knew and what you had to work with at the time. You were being the best that you knew how to be, and there's nothing wrong with that. If someone can't forgive your mistakes and love you for who you are anyway, then they weren't the one for you in the first place. The woman he married surely isn't perfect, either. But she's probably just better suited for him. Which means there must be someone better suited for you, too. I hope it won't take you very long before you smile at the thought of him leaving you, and you can tell your real love the lines from that Patty Loveless song, "I would have never found you if he had wanted to stay, oh he hurt me bad in a real good way!" The only real tragedy in this break up would be if you didn't learn something and grow as a person from it. Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon!

    Last edited by Hiya; 03-14-2006 at 03:28 PM.

     
    Old 03-14-2006, 03:50 PM   #3
    cookiepls
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Location: Los Angeles, CA
    Posts: 1,410
    cookiepls HB User
    Re: He didn't chose me...

    Aw JK, I'm so sorry you had to go through that heartbreak. In answer to your question, yes, this has happened to a lot of people, especially women. It's so sad but almost every time a guy starts distancing himself emotionally, there's another woman. I hope you'll take what knowledge you can from that past relationship but not dwell too much on what went wrong or what you could've done differently.

     
    Old 03-14-2006, 05:01 PM   #4
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: He didn't chose me...

    I am sooo soory to hear about this....I followed your other post regarding prayer and wanted so much to respond but somehow got swept away with my own agenda. Yes prayers are answered when He knows what really is in our hearts and is best for us. Like a loving parent who wants whats best for us, He closes the door but will always lead us to one that is open....the one that will bring us the most happiness.

    Its time for you to move forward towards that brand new open door He has waiting for you. Follow the stepping stones along the way!!! You are going to be alright.

    Special (((HUGS))) & prayers to carry you along the way. ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-14-2006 at 05:04 PM.

     
    Old 03-14-2006, 05:27 PM   #5
    lady346
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    lady346's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 678
    lady346 HB User
    Re: He didn't chose me...

    Wow, your story is all too similar to mine, except my ex is not married yet (at least, as I know of right now). He was not my first boyfriend either, but he was my first real, mature, true-love relationship. Ive never loved anyone like him, I knew he was the one, he said it back, and we talked of marriage a lot. We were together almost 2 years, long-distance for a year of it, and it was excruciating missing him, waiting until we could be together, etc. Im 23 and he WAS 22 at the time. So we're young, but still, it hurts more than anything.
    Finally, he got into dental school in the city, and...guess what? 2.5 months into it, the distance started from him. He 'never had the time' to see me due to studying, etc etc. Just acted like he wanted me to go away a lot, or leave him alone. Well, I started having gut feelings about this girl in his program, who lived downstairs. She was in his new close circle of friends, and he had always had lots of female friends. Im not the jealous type, and I had always trusted him, so I tried not to think anything of it and chalked it up to him just making new friends. Well, they were always together, this girl and him, in a group, but still, he seemed to always want to go down there, to her room, even when I was there in HIS room, and when with his friends he just acted SO DIFFERENT. More immature, more stupid, more...just, weird and unlike him. I started complaining a lot too, because, I mean- he was treating me differently! Of course I was going to vocalize it. He was just, not himself. Well, a week or two later, he just stopped calling over a stupid fight in which I checked his email (the password he had GIVEN to me) because I was worried about him- he had disappeared for the entire day/night without contacting me! I wanted to see if he was stil alive, and frankly, at this point, I DIDNT trust him. He yelled and acted like an a** and then just didnt call me. We had takled every single day multiple times for almost 2 years, so I lost it. When I went down to his place a few days later to ask him why he hadnt called, he broke up with me. HE cried hysterically, told me he needed to be alone, didnt know who he was anymore, needed to 'soul search', blah blah blah. The saddest thing is, I believed all of it. Never saw it coming- thought we'd always be together. Turns out, after dragging me along for a month (yet telling his friends he was done with me), he ends up jumping into a relationship with that same girl. I had asked him if there was another girl at LEAST 4 times, even used her specific NAME! And he said no no no, I will only think of you. If I had the time I would give it to you...all the bs. Seemed sincere. Cried some more.
    It makes me sick, still, to this day, that I actually fell for it all. I didnt eat, didnt sleep, saw a therapist, was physically ill. I thought he was god's gift as far as males are concerned. He was sensitive, caring, etc...but it turns out that his true colors came out. He was selfish, immature, etc. as well, and it overrode his good qualities when it came to me. I still havnet gotten over it, but Im getting over HIM (if that makes sense?) Its been 4 months, and very recently Ive started going out and meeting all kinds of guys casually, throwing away my morals temporarily and just having a good time!
    We had a lot of differences, as far as religion, moral values, etc., which I think factored in a lot with my relationship. He was Muslim and just judged me a lot and had all of these 'practices' that I tried to live up to. I gave up sex for him too. Over time, it got so frustrating. I sacrificed everything to be with him, while he did nothing but date me and reap the benefits. Must have een nice. As they say- love is blind. I didnt realize the whole time that I was resenting him for not feeling like an equal in the relationship. So when he did this to me, that was it.
    Sounds like our exes just took us for granted. Especially with you suggesting an open relationship. Its like they knew they could have their cake and eat it too. So they took that route.
    I know I can find someone better for me out there, and you can too. This will, of course, have to happen once I can get past his hurtful words, disrespect, and just the shock of it all. He actually said to me, when I cried- "I dont deserve this". UGH, the nerve! So, the whole shock of someone changing so much is hard to get past.
    I dont think that you want someone that can (in theory) cheat on you, look at you in the face and tell you they dont love you, and jump RIGHT in with another woman. I dont want my ex anymore, at all, because he is not the same person I fell in love with and trusted. Ive concluded that mine 'emotionally cheated', which in my opinion is almost worse! It is almost like the death of the one I loved, because he no longer exists, so there is a long mourning process involved. Allow yourself to have that. Try not to think of it as "he didnt CHOOSE me", think of it as "he hurt me and betrayed me and I will mourn for awhile but I know I deserve better". It is nothing you did. I blamed myself for a long time for the break-up, but very recently I realized that I have SO much going for me, and all I did was love him, maybe even a little too much! I can't blame myself for any of that. Now, all I blame myself for is falling for his stupid empty words when he broke up with me, allowing him to drag me on while I tried to get answers, and for putting up with so much of his crap at the end.
    A lot of us here have gone through/are going through the same thing. Please keep posting. I have lots of thoughts on this, as it is still very recent to me, so Im always here to share my story and to listen If I ever hear that my ex is going to marry this girl, I will probly have a nervous reak-down. I thought Id be the one that he would lose his virginity to, and all of that, so it would pain me so much to find that out. I cant imagine what youre feeling. Sorry this is so long, but please see that I truly understand and am here for you

     
    Old 03-14-2006, 05:36 PM   #6
    justkeeppraying
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    justkeeppraying's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 122
    justkeeppraying HB User
    Re: He didn't chose me...

    Thanks you guys. It just hurts that he can say his "I do" to someone else so soon after the breakup. I keep thinking to myself, that was suppossed to be me. He didn't even have the decency to give me time to get over him and heal, he just married her right away, two months later, like I was nothing just a piece of trash and a waste of his time. I just don't understand if he wanted to be with her, why didn't he get rid of me sooner? Why did he wait so long? They were dating 6 months before they got married. She knew about me. But she dated him anyway. I DID NOT know about her. He told her he had this girl back home who he still was seeing (me) and that he wasn't quite ready to dump her yet (me). It was like even though he knew me WWWAAAYYYY longer, I was the one on the side. He was going out with her places, saying he loved her and when the date was over, he'd go home and call me and tell me the same stuff he told her( I love you, I want to be with you...) It's all so sick and disgusting. I can't believe a human being is capable of doing this. It's like he has no heart or regret or remorse. He feels like he is in the right even though he is wrong. How could you lie to someone after over three years of building trust and honesty and love... and he still thinks he is a good person.... i told him I was going to throw away the ring he gave me but he said no and he insisted I keep it and wanted me to still wear the jewelry he gave me. But then I asked him if he would also keep the stuff I gave him, and he said maybe. What a HYPOCRITE!
    Maybe I was naive about long distance relationships. I just figured we'd been together a long time and he loved me alot, so I thought there would be no problem and it'd be ok.
    I know its stupid and totally wrong, and i don't know why, but in my heart I still want him back even though he married her. If he divorced her in a couple months and came back, I might take him back, its so awful i know, i should never do that, but i feel so awful and miss him and have all the feelings I've had the whole relationship, my feelings for him haven't changed. I still love him and would do anything for him, and he knows this all and has taken my loyalty for granted. When he dumped me the first time and came back and I took him back, I told him that I didn't have to, he told me that he knew I'd take him back. It seems like he was taking advantage of me. The girl he is married to just turned 19 and he just turned 21 and they married 6 months after they met. It seems too soon and his friend and parents told him this too but he doesn't care what anyone says. They said she's only marrying him probably so she can get her papers because shes illegal but he says it's not true and that she isn't pregnant or anything, and that he just wants to, but he could be lying, since he lied about alot of things, I don't know... there are so many possiblities and reasons for my questions... I just wish I knew everything, why he married her, if she wanted to, if she paid him so she could become legal, if it's true love, if it's infactuation, if its lust, if it will all last... I already know alot but I just want to know everything.

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 03-14-2006 at 05:43 PM.

     
    Old 03-14-2006, 06:44 PM   #7
    Ruth6:11
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Ruth6:11's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 3,339
    Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
    Re: He didn't chose me...

    Oh yeah....
    I dated a guy for 2 and 1/2 years. (Knew him for 3 1/2 yrs) We were talking places for the honeymoon.
    Then, out of the blue he starts acting squirrelly. Doesn't call as much. Cancels plans.
    Shows up with a sunburn on just one half of his body. (No guy sits around long enough for that unless he's laying on the beach with someone)
    So, I tracked him down at a softball game and dragged it out of him.
    The girl who had dumped HIM 3 yrs before had called & left a message at his folks.
    He chose to call her back.
    The upshot of it was that he told me he "loved her more".

    Oh my God. Talk about a major self-esteem clobber. I cried for 2 wks straight. When I got up, on the way to work, at lunch, going home, all evening, all night...
    I felt totally awful. I didn't understand why this had happened to me.
    He married her six months after he dumped me.
    I found out years later that he never ever told HER that he had been seeing ME when they met.

    But you know what? I met Mr. Ruth out of the blue the next winter.
    It finally made perfect sense why things had ended between Beep and me - if I'd been with him I would have never met the man I have been married to for 17 years so far.

    You never know what's around that next corner, or why things happen the way they do. Maybe it's so we're ready when we do turn that corner...

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 12:51 PM   #8
    justkeeppraying
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    justkeeppraying's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 122
    justkeeppraying HB User
    Re: He didn't choose me...

    OMG, it just seems like when you are really down like me, and people say things like "Oh don't worry, just think, it could have been alot worse". And you always think to yourself that it could not be any worse. Well now i know it could, and why do you always have to find out the hard way? I feel like I am being given NO mercy or sympathy. Sorry, I guess I just need to vent and get this out of me. I just found out that it was his "perfect wife's" birthday yesterday and my ex's friend told me all the wonderful stuff they did and what he bought her and it all makes me so sick. I feel like that homewrecker is getting what was supposed to be mine. I put in all the effort to encourage him, be good to him and helped motivate him to get a good job and do something with himself..... and she's reaping all the benefits!

    It's all so unfair.

     
    Old 03-18-2006, 08:38 AM   #9
    Celestial_Kel
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Zebulon NC USA
    Posts: 170
    Celestial_Kel HB User
    Re: He didn't choose me...

    This was not the man you were meant to be with....plain and simple! It hurts I know, but you need to get on with your life now! You have one major advantage here....you live far away from him so you don't have to see him and her everyday. That will make it a lot easier to move on. You didn't marry this guy for one simple reason....God has another man picked out and waiting for you. You will find him exactly when you are supposed to, so in the meantime, keep busy and try not to worry about what he's doing. He has moved on to something else....now you have to! It will get easier everyday you just have to believe in yourself! We're all here for you

     
    Old 03-18-2006, 08:45 AM   #10
    Celestial_Kel
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Zebulon NC USA
    Posts: 170
    Celestial_Kel HB User
    Re: He didn't choose me...

    And one more thing....she 's not reaping the benefits of anything! They are still in "la la" land right now. Once the new wears off (and inevitably it will), they will face daily marital problems just like everyone else! So don't be jealous of what they seem to have. I know it sucks and it's unfair. But life is not fair, for any of us! Cry and get things off your chest, but then wipe your eyes and move forward. You will get over him, and when you do you'll probably be real glad you didn't marry him! Like I said, we're all here for you to vent when you need to. I don't know you personally, but I do feel bad for what you are going through because I've been there too many times myself! But you know what? I'm still here and I made it through and you will too!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    She didn't tell me till after the wedding Ifeeldeceived Herpes 10 02-12-2008 03:29 PM
    Friend wanted to "set me up", I didn't like her pic, friend is upset... EDC_Light Relationship Health 33 11-27-2007 11:06 AM
    Doctor gave me the phone call I didn't want to hear Greg Candido Thyroid Disorders 5 07-17-2006 08:41 AM
    Why do so many people choose to go to a midwife? myloathe Pregnancy 30 11-10-2005 09:39 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:21 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!