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    Old 03-16-2006, 05:44 AM   #61
    mismax
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Sorry I haven't responded in a while. I needed to take time away. I spoke with my ex this past Monday. He was so cold and harsh with his words. He said the reasons were because of the distance, different personalities, it's me not you, you deserve better, and I don't like who I am. He also said he isn't emotionally involved or invested anymore. The thing is I have never heard him be this cold and harsh with his words. It was like he didn't even care I was hurting. You know how when you try to justify something to yourself you say it over and over until it is second nature. That is how it felt. I mean he never says things like emotionally invested or involved. He doesn't talk like that unless he is really trying to convince someone of something. He also said it was the wrong time and place and that he needs to be single for a while. I am having such a hard time letting him go. I am so afraid that if I let him go that means I have lost him forever and that I will never have him in my life again. I mean why would he come back to me after everything he said to me. He let me go I haven't let him go and if I do let him go that means he is gone forever. I don't want to close the door on us in the future but if feels like I don't have a choice about that anymore. I just can't get over how harsh and cold he was about it all. I'm just struggling with letting him go. My heart says to let him go freely and if he comes back then he is yours. I'm just so afraid he will never come back. I don't want the door to be closed forever. I know sometimes the pressures of life can cause one to think they have fallen out of love when really they haven't. I know excuses. I just can't imagine losing him forever. I'm just struggling to let him go that is all. It hurt to hear him so cold and act so distant as if how I felt didn't matter. Everything sounded so fake and forced from his mouth. He gave all the standard lines I love you, but I'm not in love with you, it's me not you, you deserve better. I don't know. I just don't want to lose him forever. I'm just having a hard time with all of this. Harder than I expected actually. I mean, I know this sounds corny, but I knew the very first time I saw him that I was going to be with him and marry him someday. Of course, I shrugged that all off as just a crush, but I really feel that way. Anyways, thanks all for listening. My heart is just broken and I don't feel whole anymore.

     
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    Old 03-16-2006, 06:15 AM   #62
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    aww babe...have you found closure at least? itll get better from now. itll be tough, but at least you know it is over. doesnt seem like a big deal, but now you can at least try to move on, you know the score
    kisses x x x

     
    Old 03-16-2006, 09:24 AM   #63
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    hi kerry. i know how that feels, and it sucks. can i at least give you the perspective from a year and a half later? my ex said similar stuff to me. i was actually offended that someone would try to give me the 'it's not you, it's me' speech. how stupid do i look, is what i thought. he also sat there and said that he wanted to comfort me, but he couldn't touch me. i knew then that what he was doing was trying to steel himself against me. for what reasons, i really don't know, even now. but what i did know then is this: he was very unhappy in his job, unhappy with who his close friends were, unhappy that he wasn't reaching certain goals that he had set for himself. he had consistently, up until this point, told me that i was the only good thing he had going on. and i think he felt like he was too dependent on me, as opposed to actually being in love with me. unfortunately, the only way for him to find out if that was the case was to end the relationship. obviously, i can't speak for how he feels now, but the only choice i had at that time was to let him go. because keeping myself around in some capacity (he had suggested we be friends) wasn't going to help. it wasn't going to be a reminder of how much he loved me. i felt the same fear you describe now, that if i let him go, he would forget and be gone forever. but the fact is, he was already gone. and i just had to count on the whole cliche of 'if you love someone, set them free'. there is truth to that. he wasn't willing to fight his own demons or anything else to be with me, so in my mind, that's not good enough.

    now that so much time has passed, i can look at the situation a lot more objectively and the hurt is almost 100% gone. i hear about his new girlfriend, and instead of having a meltdown like i thought i would, i automatically think how she is not me and he will not have the same relationship that he had with me, because at the risk of sounding conceited, i am a very unique person. i know that whomever i end up with it will be on my own terms and i am very proud of that. i'm glad i was able to end something when i realized the guy had one foot out the door. and i'm very glad i let him go by not calling or contacting him in any way. i salvaged my pride, and that was and is still important to me.

    i would guess that your ex sounded cold only because that is what he thought he had to do. let it rest for a while, and remember that you are capable of great things, with or without him.

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 07:44 AM   #64
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Thanks for the reply of Ophie. I'm having a hard day. Yesterday was the first day I made it through with out crying. I want to cry but my body just won't let me. Does that make sense? I sent my ex a final email on Monday after we talked. It just said I truly love him and miss him and that I will miss his friendship the most. That kind of stuff. I don't know why I even bothered. When I look back on that conversation with him he doesn't deserve to know the way I feel. The email was basically saying goodbye, but I haven't closed the door forever on us. My ex was so cold and harsh the other day. It was as if he had prepared himself over and over to have that conversation with me. I felt like he was lying to me. I know him better than he thinks. He had no emotions at all, like a robot. Things just rolled off his tongue. He didn't even care that I was hurting or in pain. I felt like he was talking to one of his clients when he is trying to sell them something. It almost felt like he was trying to convince himself. I don't know. I'm just so hurt by him. How could he be so mean and nasty and not care at all? Now, I'm faced with another dilemma. I am applying for jobs. I have been looking at this one site. They have a job I really want, but it's located back up north right by where my ex is. I want the job, not because of him, but because I really want it. I don't know. I'm still so confused over our last conversation. It just doesn't feel over to me. Why, if he really doesn't care and doesn't want me in his life, why would he say things like I need to be single for a while, it isn't the right time or place? Why would he keep emails and pictures of me? Why would he keep that last email I sent him? That had to be the most heartfelt thing I have said to him. Why keep it? I don't understand him anymore. I miss him so much it hurts. I don't know. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm just still realing from my last conversation with him and am very confused and hurt. Thanks again for listening.

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 08:32 AM   #65
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    oh my, you sound like me, how i was- my poor hun x x x
    i use to cry to the point of exhaustion...i would cry and cry...but trust me, it isnt worth it...people use to tell me all kinds of things, like its not worth it, youll get over it etc- i use to get so frustrated, i felt as tho they didnt understand me...i know you probably dont like hearing things like this, but things will get better...youre going through the worst phase at the mo...but it will get better, trust me hun x x x i really want to hug you and offer you comfort.dont worry chick, trust me, believe me, thinigs will be ok eventually and you will be ok
    pamper yourself, take care of yourself
    dont care about your ex anymore...think about you
    start to concentrate on your life
    youre free now to do whatever you want- take advantage of it- that is when youre ready and not so torn up like you are
    cry, keep crying, and there will come a point when you will just stop
    youll go through endless cycles of feelings and thoughts but itll stablise eventually and youll be so surprised at how youve been feeling- i have been- i look back to how i was- and trust me that is exactly how you are feeling now- and i cant believe it!
    ...its so scary, it hurts so bad, doesnt it? it seems like it wont end. that you wont be entirely happy again. that you cant love again. that you could never trust again. TRUST ME, itll get better from now hun
    just try to keep busy, do things to divert your attention, have a bath, paint your nails, eat your fav foods, call friends etc...it helps SO much altho you wot feel like doing anything
    please dont let this take over your life- these things happen but it doesnt mean its the end of world hun
    when my bf broke up with me i was in a state for two months- im feeling better only in this past week- two months! but it seems as tho i have snapped out of it...the grieving has stopped and thats what you are going through now but one day it will stop- unexpectedly- dont worry
    just try to relax
    dont contact your ex again...if its meant to be, he will call you, tihnk of it like that...but right now, things are over, and youve got to adjust to that, so concentrate on yourself and try to do the tihngs i suggested above
    and keep on posting here, we are here for you hun x x x

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 10:28 AM   #66
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    hey kerry. i know you are in a lot of pain. i am so sorry. at least now you can rest knowing that you were honest, and that you said all you needed to say. try not to dwell so much on how he was at the end. easier said than done, i know. i also know what a double-edged sword this stuff can be. you want to remember him as a good guy, but when you do it just makes you miss him. what i finally came to, after enough time to heal, was that my ex isn't the devil, nor is he the god-like figure i had made him out to be. he is just somewhere in between, as am i. i know that he never meant to hurt me and that some point in the relationship, he felt strongly about me. that's really all i (and you) need to take away from the whole experience. i have felt that feeling of something not being over with someone, that something more was supposed to have happened, but that feeling is not always based in reality. that's why there are so many debates about closure- the fact is, you could continue on with him, but you will never feel like things are right until you get the outcome that you wish for.

    nothing i can say here will make you miss him less, i know. just please try to keep busy and around people. as far as the job goes, if you can honestly say in your heart that this is a job that you want and think is worth moving for, then i say go for it. just don't make a move like that in order to be closer to him or bump into him, because that is a recipe for disaster.

    keep writing here.

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 11:20 AM   #67
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Thanks ophie for the advice. I have really thought hard about the job. It is something I miss so much. I miss working with kids and giving back to a community. I feel like I made the right decision by applying for it. I'm doing this for me. I miss that part of me and I want it back. It sounds like a great opportunity and it has some really good benefits. I just enjoy working with kids. I'm taking this break-up with my ex as a time to get back to the root of who I am. Granted I miss him like no tomorrow and the thought of him with someone else kills me. I know I shouldn't dwell on our last conversation, but he contradicted himself in it. How do you say I am no longer "emotionally invested", which means it is over completely to saying I need to be single for a while and it isn't the right time or place at the moment? Makes no sense. Anyways, I am focusing on me. I am joining a gym tonight and I am going to start tanning again. I also started a new volunteer position around here. It just masks the pain for now. Night is the worst for me. I have to have my dad let me sleep with the dog. Well, so far is day two of not crying. I know that won't last forever. I have lost enough people to know that. This is only a temporary feeling. Thanks again for listening.

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 12:01 PM   #68
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    honestly, i am not messing with you, but you sound a teeny bit better already. the fact that you know what you want for yourself and how you want to get it is amazing. and i can't think of a better thing than sleeping next to the dog at night. animals are good that way. i'm off to job#2 now (by-product of my breakup: i decided to keep as busy as possible, so i got a second job), but i hope you have a good afternoon/night and that you sleep well.

     
    Old 03-17-2006, 05:45 PM   #69
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    This is so hard!!! I was doing so well earlier today. Now I am feeling horrible. I am trying so hard not to think about what he is doing tonight. All I think of is him out partying and hitting on a bunch of girls. I am still so confused over our last conversation. Why would he say stuff that contradicts itself and why would he be so heartless and cruel? I just don't understand. He doesn't even seemed bothered by any of this. He is fine. He's the one who broke up with me so why should he hurt? I don't know. Just feeling really lost and confused. I hate this emotional roller coaster. What adds to my frustration is some people who I thought were my friends haven't been here at all for me. Very discouraging. I don't know. I want to talk to him so bad. I keep having these dreams that are so intense and feel so real. I wake up absolutely shocked and scared from them. They are dreams about us reuniting at some point. I don't know. I'm just lost. I sent him one last email that was so heartfelt and sincere in my words. Why would he keep it? I mean if he really doesn't love me or want me in his life why would he keep something that is so personal and heartfelt from me? I just don't understand what is going on with him and all. Guess I never will. Tomorrow is another day. Like I've said before the more time goes on the more I fear I have lost him forever. Some people at work tell me give him a couple of months and he will realize what he did. I don't know how much I believe that. I mean he was the one who broke up and was so emotionless about it. I do have some hope though, because on any relationship in my life I never close the door. I always keep it open. Plus, I have heard about a lot of people who get back together after some time apart. All I know is that I am moving forward with my life. That is why I really hope I get this job I applied for. It sounds so great and I am anxious to do something I enjoy so much. Time will tell. I'm just still a basket case. At least I made it through today with out crying again. My body just won't let me cry. I'm trying to focus on my health right now. It went downhill these past two weeks. Although I know all too well that the pain will come back and the tears will start again. I've lost enough people to know that. I know this is weird, but it is easier to be angry at him than to miss him. I don't want to be angry though. Anyways, I have rambled enough. Happy St. Patrick's day everyone! Thanks again. I truly appreciate all your kind words and support.

     
    Old 03-20-2006, 11:05 PM   #70
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Hi Kerry-
    Sorry to hear about the newest updates. Ive been gone for awhile but I wanted to comment and see how you were doing. I want to start with the pep talk, and say that I am truly impressed with the way you handled things. The reason I say this is that my break-up and the last conversations we had were, I swear, verbatim to what you wrote that you had with your ex. My ex was cold and robotic sounding, said the same, EXACT phrases (its not you its me-which offended me too, Opie!- and he also said he needed to be alone, he hated the person he'd become, I deserved better...all that stuff). I am so impressed with the way you handled it without flying off hte handle like I did . I couldn't help it, I am emotional and just way too genuine and I couldnt bite my tongue- I had to let my emotions out. Reading the way that you acted, I just feel that you are so strong and you need to realize that and know that you can get through it.
    Now, the not-so-peppy part. Please try not to hold on to any hope that he will realize what he did. Please try to just move on. As much as you can right now, and I know it is hard. My ex said all those things to me, swore there was no other girl, and there was, and they're still together now, and were immediately after he ditched me. I am by no means saying that this is your situation, just because it happened to me. My ex will not be coming back, I know this, and doesnt even think he did anything wrong, even though even his best friends think it was messed up what he did to me. Now, your ex may come back for all I know, and for your sake I hope he does, if that is what you want. Its just that if you hold on to that hope, and it doesnt happen, you will not heal as quickly, and I dont want to see you in agony for longer than you have to be. So I know you said that you don't close the door, and I can relate with you because I never quite do either, until Ive really had enough. I just think that in this situation, you really have to give it your all to close the door this time. Especially with how cold he was to you.
    I cant explain how much I relate to you...your situation is SO similar to mine, and my ex was so cold and so disrespectful and just horrible with his words to me when all I did was cry and ask questions. It still makes me sick when I think about how awful he was to someone he still 'cared about', as he put it. My heart goes out to you because I was there not too long ago. And I am OK! I dont cry anymore! I am still angry, yes, but I am ok and I am enjoying life and new guys (a little too much - I think I need to calm down!!) It doesnt seem possible now, and it wont for awhile, but all of this will subside in time. Keep taking it day by day, and you are being so strong already. Try to concentrate on the negatives, his faults, and how horrible he was to do this to you and how you did nothing wrong, and YOU are the one that is the good person here. Even if it seems cliche and naitve to say it, I still think the whole 'its his loss' mentality really is the best way to think of it. Think of all the things you have going for your (your strength, your honesty, your genuine character, your ability to love, etc.) and just put those to use elsewhere, in time. Obviously he doesnt deserve it, nor want it, and again, his loss. Put the energy toward someone else who wants it and wont want to let it go. Allow yourself as long as it takes to grieve, cry, etc., see a counselor even. I know what you mean when you said your body just didnt want to cry anymore- that was JUST how I worded it to my friend! I was just cried out. Eventually you will see that they are just aren't worth your tears anymore. Look forward to that phase It will come sooner than you think. Hang in there.

     
    Old 03-21-2006, 05:49 AM   #71
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Thanks citygirl for all those kind words. I am at the point where I just can't cry anymore. I mean I have my moments where a few tears will come, but nothing like before. All I do is think about how cruel he was and how I take pity on him. I know that sounds weird, but I do. What is he going to gain in life by being dishonest and cruel to people? Nothing. At some point I'm sure he will realize what he did. I am moving on with my life. I am taking it one day at a time. I have a good support group of friends who allow me to talk to them. Yesterday was hard. It took everything in me not to call or email him. At times I wonder why I even sent that last email to him. He really doesn't deserve someone who genuinely cares about him and wants the best for him. I never got a response to it and I know I won't. Life goes on and so will I. Right now I am just focusing on me. I am just so mad and hurt by him right now that missing him and loving him isn't even crossing my mind. I'm just still in shock from how he treated me. Thanks again though. I really do appreciate all your kind words. I will keep everyone updated if anything changes. It won't though. It is weird how with this break up I have gained clarity in terms of what I want to do with my life and who I am. It hasn't given me much clarity on love and all, but baby steps. Someday it will. Talk to you all soon.

     
    Old 03-21-2006, 06:13 AM   #72
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Hi all! I just wanted some opinions on the last email I sent my ex. This was the email I sent him after he was so harsh and cruel to me. I'm second guessing myself now for sending it. I know I shouldn't, but I had to send it for my peace of mind. Why he deserves it I don't know?

    Anyways, here it is:

    I will try not to make this long. All I can say is I had to try. I truly apologize if I said anything to offend you. I don't want things to end with any animosity towards one another. On some level I knew this was going to happen. Just know I truly love you and I truly miss you. I greatly appreciate your honesty even if I didn't want to hear it. I'm glad I did. I only wish you the best for the future and true happiness. When it was good it was great with us. I will miss all of our time together. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I truly hope someday in the future we will be able to be friends. I'm not just saying that I truly hope that. You were always such a great friend to me and that is what I will miss. Best of luck with the future. Maybe someday our paths will cross again. I love you and miss you.

    Thanks for any input. I don't know why I am second guessing myself on it now, but I have been the past couple of days. I mean my ex didn't even say goodbye, best of luck in the future or anything.

     
    Old 03-21-2006, 07:41 AM   #73
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    such a nice email you sent him...but i wish you hadnt...he doesnt deserve it...i think you sent it because you want to get a reaction, you want to hear him say he loves you back etc....
    its made me angry...some men are just scum...they dont deserve things like this...

     
    Old 03-21-2006, 07:51 AM   #74
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    hi kerry. don't second-guess yourself. it's okay that you sent that last e-mail. i would have sent something similar to my ex but i am too stubborn. what i did do was make sure that my last words to him were 'i love you'. and i don't regret it one bit. nobody can tell me how to feel. and it is certainly not my place to decide who deserves what, when. whether he is deserving of your kindness is irrelevant; it's easy to be kind to people that deserve it, a lot harder to be kind to those who have hurt us. you chose the high road, and regardless whether your motivation was to hear back from him or not, you still did something nice.

    you will survive, you're right. just let things lie for a while, and see what life brings.

     
    Old 03-21-2006, 07:58 AM   #75
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    Re: Dumped after six years...

    I don't want people to think I sent the email because I wanted a reaction from him. He made his feelings perfectly clear. I sent the email because I had to do it for me. Not for him. I had to send it in order to get some form of closure for myself. Trust me when I say he made it perfectly clear he does not want me in his life. If you all had heard what he said and more importantly how he said it you would understand. I needed to end things on my terms for my sake. If he responds great if not great. It doesn't bother me either way. I won't lie I am still hurting and shocked by how he treated me and yes I am still holding onto some hope. Hope not necessarily to reunite, but more for an apology from him. But, I know deep down I will never get that. I really do know that I won't. It will just take time for me to fully let him go. I am slowly doing this. I mean I am surprised by how I have been able not to contact him, except for that one last conversation. Life goes on and I will be fine. I just don't want you all to think I did that to get a rise out of him. I did it for me and me only.

     
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